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Hanji opened the door to her new headquarters, but which was still in her mind Erwin's room. She looked around grimly at her surroundings, taking in the silence and emptiness, trying to memorize every detail of it before people would come to clean it bare. They hadn't had time to, with everything that had been going on. There had been more pressing matters to attend to, like reading and making sense of the three books they had found in Grisha Jaeger's basement. She had read them all in one go during their journey back, head bowed and giving snippets of it to Levi, who had ridden next to her the whole journey back. He'd stayed silent for most of it, but she knew it was from shock, not indifference. He probably had a million questions storming in his head just like she did. To be honest, she still couldn't believe half of it.
From the moment that Eren Jaeger had turned into a titan in Trost district, she had known that something was different. Her scientist instinct had nagged at her, telling her that there was more to this, and everything that had happened after that had confirmed it: from Annie Leonhart's own titan powers to the Ragako village incident. She'd known people were turning into titans, that she was missing a major piece of information that would make sense of it all. But never in her entire life could she have imagined this. They had been so sure that humanity was at its limits, that every life they lost would bring them closer to extinction. But they had been wrong. They weren't extinct. They were exiled. Sent to an island where they were kept prisoners with human eating creatures as their guards. Who could ever have predicted this?
She sighed and took off her coat before heading straight to the bathroom. She had cleaned it herself, removed every product that had been Erwin's to put them in a box set on the floor. She needed one place that did not make her think of him too much, of how badly she missed him, of how lost she was now without him to guide her. She undressed fully and slipped in the hot bath that had be drawn for her. It was too hot to her taste and she opened her mouth to call out to Moblit and ask him for some lukewarm water. She froze, the name stuck in her throat.
Ah yes, that's right. she thought, laying her head back on the cold bathtub.
She closed her right eye, the only one still functional and put two fingers on her left one. The last image she'd had with it was of Moblit's face, before he was blown to shreds. He had looked at her, eyes full of concern, without any for his own safety. She was the last face he had seen before dying. She felt a wave of nausea hit her but before she could fall deeper into her dark thoughts, there was a knock on the main door. She took a second to compose herself.
"Come in!" she ordered in a commanding voice.
She heard the door open and quick steps entering her room.
"Commander Hanji." she heard a female voice call, the title making her stomach roll. "I have your outfit for tonight's diner. Can I put it on your bed?"
It's not my bed.
"Yes, sure. Thank you cadet." she answered before closing her eyes again.
She still had to go through that diner, where people would both congratulate her and grieve for Erwin. What did they all think of this? Were they asking why on earth Erwin Smith had chosen his crazy titan-lover scientist as successor? Levi had told her about the incident of this morning between Floch and Armin. Floch had said that everyone was asking why Erwin hadn't been chosen, why a nobody like Armin, with no experience in leading, had been saved instead. She couldn't really blame them, she had asked herself that same question. At the time, Erwin had seemed to be the only choice to consider, being the Commander and of such importance. But Levi had seen something, understood something that they hadn't. And that's why Erwin had entrusted the syringe to him and no one else. In the end, she thought she got it. But the others wouldn't, and since they wouldn't be able to take it out on her given her new status, then they would all turn their confusion and anger at Levi, who had been the one making the decision.
She opened her eyes at that thought. She couldn't let that happen, not when she knew what it had cost the shorter man to let Erwin go. Even if a tiny part of her still felt some confusion towards the whole ordeal, she was certain of this: Levi was probably the one suffering the most from this loss. She wouldn't let anyone add to his pain with needless questions and inquiries.
She got up grunting, her various injuries still hurting, and draped a towel around her chest. She got out of the bathroom and took her glasses from the table near the window from which a soft light was filtering. She put them on and walked towards the bed to put on her official Commander outfit. However, what she found on her bed was not her outfit, but a package with an envelope on top of it. She frowned before bending to pick it up, noticing the royal stamp on the letter.
A letter from Historia?
She opened the letter began reading.
Dear Commander Hanji,
I took the liberty of changing your outfit for tonight. I hope you don't mind or see it as an indelicacy from me. It is so rare for female soldiers to be able to feel like women in our line of work, we tend to forget with all the fights and dirt.
So I thought you would like feeling just like that for tonight. I know I enjoy it sometimes. If you don't like it, please feel free to ask Olga so she can bring you something else.
Welcome back and thank you for giving your heart to your duty.
Sincerely yours,
Queen Historia Reiss.
She closed the letter and slowly turned to the package still sitting on her bed, heart pounding.
Levi was rushing through the corridors, almost running to Erwin's old room. He had bathed at top speed, which was something he hated because he needed to get rid of every bit of dirt and sweat before feeling really clean, and he had a very thorough cleaning ritual. But he didn't want to leave Hanji alone for too long, not when she was in Erwin's room. He had seen how she had been acting since they had been back, completely lost and scared. As per usual, she hid it well, once behind laughs and eccentricity, now behind a stern face and a commanding voice. She would still crack jokes with his remaining squad, but they were the only ones who got to see her like that now. He couldn't blame her, high ranking officers had been harassing her since they'd been back, demanding information and justifications on why only 9 people out of 200 had come back from the battle. Most of all, they had asked why the hell wasn't Erwin Smith one of them.
He had submitted his report to the headquarters and was expected to a hearing in two days to evaluate his decision. He hadn't told Hanji, because he knew she'd get involved and he didn't want to put this burden on her shoulders so early in her new role, not when he found it so hard to look at her in the eyes. By choosing to let Erwin go, he had pushed her to the front line, putting her in the same place he'd wanted to free his friend from. He felt so much guilt towards her that he had been following her non-stop, making sure she wasn't pushed too far, taking some blows for her in a weak attempt at redemption. From the moment that she'd appeared in front of him, protecting him and Floch from a despaired Mikasa, he'd been unable to keep away, sticking close to her like a shadow. They'd always been pretty close friends, mainly because she was one of the few people who treated him like a person, not like a weapon or a thug. But lately, in light of the events that had occurred this year, he'd found himself getting involved in a deeper and more confusing way. He'd look for her among the sea of people when they would get ready to leave the walls, choosing to stand next to her almost each time. He'd make sure she was okay during fights, like during the battle of Shinganshina, when he'd almost been shredded by rocks because he'd been so focused on going back to where her squad had been. Or when she'd been injured during their fight against Kenny and his group. Usually, when he was in battle mode, nothing could ever touch him. Emotions were for later and in private, if he was still alive. Closing up was the only way he could be efficient, that he could be Humanity's Strongest. So he always kept moving forward, not turning back, not even when his own men had been decimated by the Female Titan.
But both of those times, he had looked back. Why?
He frowned, unsettled by his own thoughts and decided to push them aside when he saw that he was nearing Erwin's door.
Hanji's door, not Erwin's. he thought bitterly.
Usually he'd go in without knocking, but he'd been acting strangely these days, being more formal with her. He'd even dropped her "Four-Eyes" nickname, not wanting to hurt her feelings. It made him feel on edge, because she was the only one, with Erwin, with whom he could be the rude asshole that he was.
In a way, he felt like he'd lost them both.
He knocked, waiting for her to let him in, but didn't hear anything. He knocked again, harder.
"Oi, Hanji, open up." he called.
Had she already gone down? He'd told her he'd come to pick her up, she wouldn't have left without him. Maybe she had fallen asleep? She couldn't be late to that dinner, not when everyone would be judging her as new Commander.
"Oi, I'm coming in." he said and opened the door. "Are you asleep or wha..."
He froze, hand still on the handle, mouth slightly open and felt his own eyes widen.
Hanji was standing in front of Erwin's full-length mirror that was pinned to the wall facing the window. He could only see her profile, as she seemed transfixed by what she was looking at. He couldn't blame her, he was transfixed as well. She was wearing a long creamy dress that pooled over her body and barely touched the floor. Her shoulders were bare, the delicate fabric embracing her upper arms instead and dipping right behind her collarbone to cover her chest. Her hair was undone and fell on her shoulders in wet waves, dripping on her exposed back. He'd never seen her look like this, like a woman. He sometimes forgot that Hanji was female, she was just Hanji and it had always been just fine. But now, she seemed like another person. His eyes snapped to the chair beside her, which was draped with a green cape with the Survey Corp emblem on it. But his gaze was back on her in a flash, mapping every detail of her new appearance, until he finally found his voice again.
"Hanji..." he called, and the strangled voice that came out of him made him flinch.
She jumped slightly when she heard her name but didn't turn, eyes still on her reflection. She hadn't realized that someone had come in, but she already knew who it was. Part of her was mortified that he'd found her like this. She felt exposed, naked, stupid.
"What do you think?" she asked in a small voice, still not looking at him.
She hated the sound of her voice, it was full of fear, of low self-esteem and weakness. If she didn't feel so bad she'd laugh at how easily a simple piece of fabric had shattered her. She'd already felt so tired and on edge, with everyone breathing down her neck, waiting for her to prove herself the right successor or Erwin. Now was not the time to look like a frail and battered old woman, which was exactly what she saw in the mirror.
When Levi didn't answer, she looked down at herself, a sad smile forming on her lips.
"Looks terrible, huh?" she said, smoothing the fabric with her hands. "What was she even thinking?" she laughed quietly.
It sounded broken.
"Hanji..." she heard, and it was the same broken voice he'd used when he'd seen her on that rooftop.
She couldn't bear to hear it now so she cut him off.
"I mean, it was a nice gesture, but this...this isn't for me, right?" she looked up at her reflection again. "Look at it, it's supposed to enhance women's attributes: sleeveless to show their delicate arms and shoulders, a dipping collar to show their bulging breasts. But on me it looks so comical..." she tried to laugh but it sounded like a sob. She wanted to slap herself.
"Hanji." he called again, but she still couldn't look at him. Was that pity in his voice?
She was starting to lose it, she could feel something get an icy hold on her insides and her heart was beating faster. Suddenly, she found it hard to breathe. She didn't feel right, not feminine enough for this dress, not strong enough to be a Commander, her skin felt so tight around her all of a sudden.
"Look!" she said, finally turning towards him and she saw him flinch. "It shows all of my scars!" she said, raising her arms so he could see. "It shows my flat chest!" she continued, pressing her palms on her chest. "And that eye! That stupid, useless eye!"
She raised her hand to it, to emphase her words, or maybe pluck it out, wouldn't it be better? But in a flash and before she could even touch her own face, he had pounced on her, grabbing her wrists and pushing them away.
"What the hell are you doing!" she yelled, trying to break free.
"Stop it, you'll hurt yourself!" he grunted while keeping a hold on her.
She could tell he was restraining himself, probably trying to immobilize her without hurting her. She wouldn't stand a chance if he used even half of his strength. For some reason, it seemed to unnerve her even more.
"Let me go!" she kept screaming, trying to break free.
"Hanji..."
"I SAID..."
"Hanji, please!"
This time she froze in his grip and she looked down to where he was, head bowed. From where she stood, she couldn't see his face, only the top of his head. Hearing him beg had snapped her out of her trance, because it was such a rare thing to witness. She didn't think she'd ever heard him use the word "please" in all the years she'd known him. Even when he was asking a favor, it was always in his own way. She'd always thought he was probably afraid of looking weak. So that he'd do it now, to her, was like a slap in the face.
"Please.." he said again. "...calm down." he whispered before loosening his grip on her until he was only holding her hands.
She was silent for a minute, unable to speak, and then her eye suddenly filled with tears. With a wail that shook her whole body, she fell to the floor, sobbing, hands still in his.
It wasn't the first time he saw her cry, she always did so when her experiments failed and especially when a titan was accidentally killed. Everyone found it crazy and in all honesty, so did he, but it also showed something important about the mad scientist: that she still had a heart. She had been the only one to feel sympathy for the titans, which was an enigma to all of them, but in the end, she had been the one in the right. Those titans had been humans all along, victims sent to their island to serve an eternity of punishment, until one of them sliced their neck open and put them out of their misery.
This time however, her cries were unbearable to him, because she wasn't crying for someone else, she was crying for herself. And he felt so useless, because he wasn't the one who would took care of her when she was like this, she'd always had Moblit for that. The younger man had always known how to deal with this side of her in a soft yet efficient way. Levi only knew to communicate through roughness and violence, but he didn't want to be that way with her. Not now. Not ever. Not when he had been the one who'd put her here in the first place. He had chosen this life for her without a thought, only thinking of giving Erwin some peace.
He knelt in front of her and held her hands to his chest.
"I'm sorry." he said softly. "I'm so sorry."
He had meant to calm her, but her cries became stronger and he cursed himself. Why couldn't he function like a human being for once in his fucking useless life? He'd lost everyone he'd ever cared for: family, friends, comrades, even his best friend and leader. Hanji was all he had left now and he was all she had. What a joke this was, that the only person left for her was him, a violent and cold man who couldn't even offer comfort when she needed it the most.
He let go of her hands, leaning away, but almost fell backwards when he felt her surge forwards and collide against him. He caught her awkwardly and avoided falling on his ass by leaning on his ankles. He felt her arms circle him as she held him tightly, her face buried in his shoulder. He put a hand on her bare back and the other on her wet hair. He could feel the bumps of her scars when he began stroking her back and it only made him hold her a bit tighter. He'd never seen so much of her, she always looked unscathed, untouched, but just like him, she bore the marks of a soldier, of a veteran.
When he heard her cries lessen, he broke away and smoothed the hair out of her face. She looked terrible, but he didn't want to say that to her now, not when she was self conscious about her appearance. There was something he wanted to say but it made his insides churn in advance. He wasn't good at using words that were not insults and he didn't want to make her cry again. But this was Hanji, with whom he'd always been able to be honest and true to himself, and just like she'd showed him her weakest side right now, he owed it to her to do the same.
"Hanji, this dress...it doesn't look bad on you..."
He heard her snort and he gripped her shoulders.
"I mean." he continued in a more insistent tone. "It doesn't make you look bad. It's just something you're not used to wear. And it doesn't represent you."
He sighed, searching for the right way to express himself without hurting her feelings.
"You're a strong and smart woman. You're the funniest person I know and you're going to be an excellent leader. You don't need a stupid dress to look amazing or...nice."
He gritted his teeth in embarrassment. He'd meant to say "beautiful", but it was too much for him already. He looked at her again as she raised her head to look at him with her reddened eye. She stared at him like he'd said something completely crazy and he opened his mouth to say something, probably apologize again, but then he felt her hands cup his face and froze. Slowly, she closed the distance between them and placed a soft and tender kiss on his lips. Both of them had their eyes open and he saw tears coming down her eye again, he didn't know if they were sad tears or something else. Hanji leaned away, her hands still on his face and, for the first time since he had entered her room, she smiled. It was a small one, but it was there.
"Levi..." she said, her voice soft and back to the tone he was used to. "I'm so glad that I still have you." she said, her voice breaking slightly at the end.
It was his turn to look at her with wide eyes. How could she say such a thing, wasn't she angry at him? As if she'd read his mind, she dropped her hands and wiped her face.
"Why are you apologizing anyway?" she asked.
"You know why." he answered automatically.
She stopped and looked at him, puzzled.
"I honestly don't. You've been acting weird since we've been back and I thought you needed your space, but you seemed especially on edge with me and I couldn't figure out why."
He was struck silent by her words. What was she talking about?
"Is it..." she continued. "Is it because of what I said back then? When Armin woke up. Is it because I said I thought Erwin was the right choice?"
"What." he replied in an icy tone.
"I said I trusted your judgement." she said, frowning slightly. "Of course I agree with your choice, and I will support you in front of everyone who asks..."
"Shut up." he said, getting to his feet.
"Levi?" she said, looking up at him.
"No no, shut up!" he said, turning to look down at her, still half sitting on the floor. "What the fuck are you talking about? Are you playing with me?"
"What? No!" she replied, getting up as well. "What are you talking about? I don't follow you at all and it's making me..."
"It's my fault!" he said, walking back to her to grip her arms again. "Don't you get it? I'm the one who put you in that position! When I chose to let Erwin go, I sealed your destiny as Commander of the Survey Corps, and I knew you didn't want it, but I didn't think about that at the time. I didn't even think about what it'd do to you. I was just selfish and let you to pay the price of my own choice."
He stopped talking because he was finding it hard to continue without breaking something. He was breathing hard and only raised his head when he felt a bit more in control of himself.
He didn't expect the fist that collided with his face, but barely moved despite the strength behind it. On any other day, he would have been able to dodge it easily, but his senses were all dimmed by his emotions. He looked at her with a stern face, ready to receive all of the anger she must have kept bottled for all this time. She did look angry, chest rising rapidly and her eye pinning him to the floor. This was it, the moment he had been expecting since the day they had been back. He was ready to hear whatever she was going to throw at him, even if it meant losing what they had. He tried to ignore the sharp pain in his chest at the thought.
"You...asshole..." she gritted.
She pushed at his chest and he took a step back, indulging her. She was the only person he had ever let lay a hand on him, and she would be the only one.
"You jackass!!" she yelled, pushing him again, until he felt his back hit the bathroom door.
She gripped his shirt instead and brought him closer. He could see a firestorm of emotions in her remaining eye.
"This is why you've been distant since we've been back?? Why I haven't been able to reach you?!"
He blinked twice before registering her words. What?
"I was worried!" she screamed at him. "I thought I was the one who had done something to you!"
"Why would you think that?" he asked, dumbfounded.
"I don't know!" she said, raising her hands before taking a step back. "You've been so withdrawn since we've been back and so weird with me, being all formal and shit. You've never been like that, not with Erwin so why with me? So I was scared you thought I didn't support you in your choice and that you were mad."
He wanted to slap some sense into her. Was this woman stupid? He was about to explain, in great details, why her reasoning was preposterous, but something else came out instead.
"Do you?"
"What?" she asked, turning her attention back on him.
"Support it." he said, back still to the door. He found some weird support to the touch of the hard wood.
"Of course I do." she answered, as if she didn't understand the reason behind his question.
"Don't lie to me, you said..."
"I know what I said." she cut him off. "I admit I didn't understand, at first. Erwin seemed like the only choice, the priority. He was the Commander, our leader, our friend. I know that Armin is exceptionally smart, but Erwin was something more."
Levi sighed, letting his head fall on the door behind him. But he heard her continue.
"But once I was able to think clearly again, I realized that you had done the right choice."
Levi huffed coldly.
"Oh, really?" he asked.
"Yes." she said in a steady voice that made him look back at her. "Because I realized I was looking at the whole situation from the wrong angle. You didn't chose to save Armin, you chose to let Erwin go, right?"
He felt a lump form in his throat but was unable to look away. He had wanted her to understand so fucking hard without being able to explain, to talk. And, deep down, a part of him had been afraid that this would sign the end of their relationship, his inability to talk, to share. But once again, she was blowing his mind with how insightful and acute to his feelings she was. How could she read him so clearly?
"He had gone through so much, and imagine what he'd had to do with everything we discovered." she carried on. "And you know he would never have stopped, would have sacrificed everything and everyone to find the answer to his question. You thought it was time for him to stop. To let go of his dream and finally rest."
He felt his hand begin to slightly shake, something that almost never happened to him. When she walked towards him again, he leaned back against the closed door, heart pounding in his chest. What was he afraid of? This was Hanji, she wouldn't hurt him. But the mere thought that she could, not physically, but in a deeper and more efficient way, made him want to open the door behind him and run. Instead, he let her take his right hand and bring it to her chest, pressing it to the cool skin exposed there. His hand twitched at the contact, but relaxed when he started to feel the steady beat of her heart beneath his fingers. He looked at her with a thousand questions in his eyes, but her gaze was steady and determined.
"Levi, you were right. I'm sorry that I doubted you, but you were. And I promise to stand by you during whatever trial they set up for us. You have my ultimate trust, you've always had."
He looked at her for a minute, from her messy hair to her closed dead eye. She looked tired, completely worn out and wild. If she were to go out like this, people would assume she was some crazy woman.
He wanted to talk to her, say something, but again, words failed him. So he chose to act rather than struggle uselessly. He let his hand glide towards her shoulder and gripped it before pulling her forward. When she got close enough, he lifted his head and kissed her. He had been surprised by her initial attempt and hadn't been able to respond. Now though, he kissed her fiercely, without any restrain this time. When she tried to pull away to get some breath, he forced her mouth open and slid his tongue inside. The sound that escaped her open lips made his whole body shudder. It was the first time he truly felt like she was letting her walls fall, that she was surrendering herself, her real self, to something. And that it was him, of all people, who got to see it and take this last piece of her, made him dizzy.
This woman will be the death of me. he thought, yet somehow, it only made him hold her tighter.
Because, for all the hideous things he'd done in his life, he could never have dreamed of having this, someone to hold, to cherish, to protect. He'd had Erwin, his friend and leader, whom he'd followed through everything and every battle. He'd tried his best to protect him, to the point of threatening him with physical harm to keep him away from the battle, his last one. But Hanji was different, she had started a new fire inside him, one that had turned into ashes a long time ago, among the dirt and grief. For once in a long time, he wanted to belong to someone, to be theirs. And it scared him senseless.
He broke the kiss to try and regain some kind of control over himself and he felt the shoulders he was holding shake slightly. He looked up in a flash, worried that he'd screwed up somehow and Hanji had started crying again. Her eye looked like it was almost closed, mostly because it was indeed full of tears, but she was laughing quietly.
"You really are an asshole." she whispered before breaking free from his hold.
"Yeah, I know." he said automatically, his voice breaking slightly on the first word.
She raised her hand and brought it to his nape, where his hair was cut short, before stroking it. She often did that when they would spend countless hours creating strategies and battle plans with Erwin. He had always thought she did it without realizing it, because she would never look at him during those times. But now, she was gently caressing the buzz, smiling softly.
"I'm sorry I broke down like that." she said quietly.
"Don't apologize, moron." he said. "You're tired and emotionally drained, it was to be expected. Better here and now that tonight in the dinner room."
She looked at him with intensity now.
"You never break down." she said. "Even on that rooftop, I knew that you were heartbroken, but you didn't break."
He stared at her for a moment, looking for the right words.
"I don't know how anymore." he answered truthfully.
He didn't know how to feel about that. Was it a good thing? Surely it made him a better soldier, to rein his emotions in so they wouldn't cloud his judgment. But how could he be a good man if he couldn't feel properly?
"It's fine." he heard and his attention went back to her. "We all have different ways of coping I guess. If you need to break down sobbing, you know where my room is."
"Tch." he said and swatted her hand away.
"I'm joking!" she laughed, raising her hands up in surrender.
She went to stand in front of the mirror again. Levi let her, he could tell from her posture and face that she was not gonna break again.
"Is it okay if I never look like a real woman?" she asked him before pulling her hair up in a ponytail.
"I don't give a shit what you look like." he answered, walking towards her to help her undress. He saw her reflection smile softly.
"Good."
The dress dropped to the floor in a pool of silk and she stepped out of it. On cue, Levi gathered it and put it back in its package.
"I'll go fetch your uniform." he said, his back to her.
When she didn't answer, he turned around, just in time for him to see her bend down and kiss him again. He had his hands full and couldn't do much to stop her when she made him walk backwards until he gently hit the front door. This time it was her who gripped his face to deepen the kiss and he let her. He knew she needed this, to take back control, to recompose herself, and this was her way of asking for his help. He was happy to oblige. She broke away and pecked him several times on the lips before pulling away again.
"Thank you."
She cleaned herself again while Levi was out, to get rid of the anxiety and grief that was clinging to her. She combed her hair into her familiar hairdo just in time for him to come back. She almost wept again at the sight of the familiar Commander outfit. She put it on with reverence, smoothing it with her hands and with each piece, she felt like herself again. She could feel Levi's eyes on her, but her attention was on her reflection. There was something she needed to say, but didn't know how. When she finally felt brave enough, she turned to him.
"Levi..." she said.
"Bend down." he cut her off, holding her eye patch.
She obeyed and raised her hair for him to put it in place. He secured it under her right ear and took a step back to look at her.
"You look good, Commander."
That bastard. she thought.
Of course he would know what she was thinking before she could even open her mouth. She had meant to say that this, what they'd done, what they'd become, was to be kept a secret. She couldn't afford to have people speculate and investigate her personal life and have anyone downgrade her position or work because of her sentimental relationship with her Captain. She was already under scrutiny from people who, for some, would gladly see her gone before she'd even started. Whenever she was wearing the uniform, she was his Commander, nothing more. And Levi had thought the same thing and had wanted to spare her that kind of speech. She didn't know what she had done to deserve this man. He was so much better than he thought and she loved everything about him.
He went to the door and opened it.
"Let's go, you don't want to be late for this." he said, a small smirk playing on his lips.
She thought of what she was going to do to those lips once they would be back to her room, or his, and this made her smile widely.
"Of course not." she answered before exiting the room.
She started down the corridor, the sound of her boots like a soothing balm to her ears, and felt him walk beside her after a few seconds. His presence was a comfort and a blessing to her. She would do everything in her power to protect him from anyone who would try to attack him in the following days. Because he was all she had left.
And thank God for that.