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“I don’t want visitors.” Riz said. And he meant it.
The large grizzly bear was strangely well suited for juvie. None of the other kids there fucked with him. The Carnivore Wing was full of big bads, but none were bigger than Riz. And none went as far as he did.
“I love every part of you!” Riz bit his tongue in his cell. The groove on his bed was so severe, the guards had to change mattresses twice in his three month stay. They had to wait until he left for lunch. He rarely even laid down; the wall was more interesting than sleep. His eyes, while tired, wouldn’t falter.
It was month four when the door opened. Riz sniffed the air passively, then stood up. Honey. His eyes jolted from the wall to his door. The guard opened the door to the person Riz expected to see second to last.
Pina the Dall Sheep practically sauntered into the room like he was analyzing a new plot of property. Riz did his best to look away, but Pina was determined to be seen. He took up the whole room; it’s what he wanted. Riz waited for him to speak. He couldn’t bring himself to talk first.
“You’re wearing a muzzle, huh?” Pina said.
Riz’s ear twitched a bit. He looked up, a bit incredulous.
“That’s a shame. I was hoping I could see you smile.” Pina said. He sat his slim body down next to Riz.
“So, just a few updates, I’m co-starring in the play next season. I know you won’t see it, but I’ll see if I can get you some videos, just so you keep up with the club.”
“Pina.” Riz said. “W-What are you here for?”
Pina shrugged. “I figured it was my turn to visit you. Now, watch this video of rehearsal, Tao falls FLAT on his as-”
“Pina, you shouldn’t be here.” Riz said. “It’s not safe.”
Pina gave Riz a look, unimpressed, as if Riz was a displeasing piece of garbage that had fallen short of the trash can. Pina slowly raised a hand and flicked the muzzle on Riz’s face. Riz winced.
“Yeah, you’re no threat to me right now.” Pina pushed play on the video, and his attention focused back on screen. Riz hesitated, then his eyes peered down at the video. It was funny, it’s true. Riz gave a small chuckle. It felt… raspy.
Pina gave a small chuckle too. “I’m glad I got that on video, honestly. I figured it was something you’d like, you tended towards slapstick, right?”
“I… I guess.” Riz said. “I don’t do a lotta laughing these days.”
“Hmm.” Pina looked up at him. “Pity.”
Honey. Riz could smell it like it was in his nostrils. It was a perfume smell, not natural honey, but it made his stomach roll a bit anyway. He thought about apples, and honey, and cinnamon, and cider, and fall. Pina’s horns… he had perfumed them whenever he was going on a date, Riz remembered. Perhaps he was heading to a date after this.
“You, uhhh…” Riz wasn’t sure how to phrase this next part. He hardly deserved to even still be talking to Pina, after all he had done to him.
“You look real good.” Riz said. “Are you dressing up for something?”
Pina smiled. “Yeah, there’s this hot bongo girl I’m going out with tonight. Romantic dinner, and a walk down a bridge. It’s gonna be fun.”
“You, uhh. Always had a way with women.”
“Thank you, Riz.” Pina said. “I’ll letchya know how it goes. So, gimme your opinion.”
Pina stood up and gave a small spin. “How does this outfit look?”
It wasn’t anything too outlandish. It was a simple cotton shirt, an open-buttoned shirt, and a pair of black slacks. He was wearing tennis shoes, which seemed against his flair, but they were nice shoes. He had a small amount of concealer on, probably to cover up past hickies, but Riz could only tell from smell.
“You look fine. Great, you look… You look great.” Riz said. “I’m- I’m sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this.” Riz looked at his feet. “I didn’t expect you at all. I’ve done a lot to you and I can’t tell you how sorry I am, but I know it won’t… I know I can’t make up for it.”
Pina made a huge production of rolling his eyes. “Okay, apology accepted and all, look. You’re gonna get out of juvie one day, and I’m gonna exist outside of juvie, too. I’m just kissing up so you don’t eat me.”
“I… I don’t think I understand.”
“Just don’t question it right now.” Pina said frankly. “I’m here. Let's try to be friends about it, okay?”
Riz looked up, his eyes meeting up with Pina’s. For just a moment, he lingered there, looking into the honey coloured pools. If… If this is what Pina wanted, Riz could go along with it. He could bare the visit if Pina enjoyed them. Riz decided he owed him that much.
He smiled a bit.
“There’s that smile I wanted.” Pina mused. “So, you’ve gotta see this picture I took of Bill the other day, he almost cried asking me to delete it.”
So, twice a month, Pina visited Riz.
He never expected visitors. More than anything else, he didn’t expect to look forward to them. He started eating more; he had lost weight, but it was only because he wasn’t eating four or five meals a day. He started showering . It was a nice gesture, Riz thought, and it was about the best he could do in juvie.
Pina seemed to enjoy the visits. And that made Riz happy. They had only barely known each other before the whole Legosi investigation. And then, Riz was more focused on disliking Legosi that he was appreciating Pina. He did now. His horns smelled like honey, his smile made Riz share the expression, and he always had something funny to show Riz. Sometimes it was slapstick, sometimes they watched comedians. One time, Pina came in with a poem he had heard from one of the freshmen. It was... Hilariously horrible.
Winter turned into spring, and summer turned into Autumn. Pina looked best in orange and browns, and that made Riz feel… full of light. Twice a month, Pina lit up his eyes a little bit.
“That was kinda trashy.” Pina said with a nervous chuckle. He put down his phone, stowing away the bad comedian they just suffered through. “Sorry, I didn’t realize that comedian was gonna be that… just, I guess bigoted.”
“Yeah, I felt you tense up, like, twice.” Riz laughed. “There were some good jokes, but I could’ve done without the homophobic shit.”
“Yeah, I’ll vet this kinda thing better next time.” Pina shrugged. “So, that’s all I’ve got for today.”
“You’re only 50 minutes into your hour visit.” Riz said. “Is there anything you wanna talk about?”
“How about you, dude? You look like a skeleton compared to before.”
Riz felt a little self-conscious. He scratched the back of his neck, at least until Pina slapped his hand away. He’d been scratching his fur off back there.
“I guess only eating three meals a day will do that to such a big boy.”
“Are you not eating enough? Is that why you’re scratching yourself?”
“No, no, I promise. I’ve just been working off fat.” Riz said. “D-Does it look better?”
“You look fine either way, big bear.” Pina laid his head up against Riz’s shoulder. The bear’s heart jumped a bit. He hoped he was warm. He hoped he smelled good.
They passed a few minutes in complete silence, every second melting more into each other. Riz looked down at his shoes. The smell of autumn and honey made him feel sad. It was almost a year now since he’d been put in. The only thing that kept him going was resting on his shoulder now. His hands were cuffed, and if he raised his hands at Pina, the guard would intervene, but Riz wanted to… pet him? Hug him, probably. He sighed.
“Why did you come here?” Riz said.
“I know you like it when I’m over, Riz. You can’t fool me.”
“I know, but I just. I don’t get it. I tied you up. I was…” He sighed. “I was going to eat you.”
“I’m well aware.” Pina said. “Are you still gonna?”
“No! No.” Riz said.
Pina smiled. He leaned closer, making this cute… purring noise? Riz felt that light in his stomach again. He could suddenly feel the minutes sliding from underneath his chin, tightening. He didn’t want Pina to leave.
“I heard you and Legosi during the fight, you know.” Pina said. “I heard how you and… Tem were with each other.”
Riz sighed. “I don’t know if I wanna talk about this.”
“I know, but I’m gonna anyway. Riz, I know how close you felt to Tem. I know you lost control.”
“I, I can’t.”
“Yes you can, don’t pretend you’re weak.” Pina said. “Riz, I can’t pretend I know as much about loss as you do. And I also can’t say I’m the source of my own loss. You hold the title on both of those things.”
Riz shivered. “I-I always felt that… Tem was the closest I’d ever be to an herbivore. Now, I’m not even sure how I’m this close to you. I feel like, any second now, I’m just gonna…”
“Lose control again?”
“No.” Riz said. “I feel like I’m going to collapse. You’re not delicate, but you… You remind me of a sandcastle.”
“Mmmm, am I a pretty sandcastle?”
Riz caught on his words for a second, before laughing. A true laugh, a belly laugh that almost launched Pina’s head across the room.
“Sorry, sorry. You’re the prettiest sandcastle.” He caught his breath. “I feel like you’re gonna slip through my fingers again. Like Tem. Like Legosi, I feel like I’m gonna fail you, too.”
“Eh, I’ve got high standards and you’re still meeting them.” Pina said. “And since we’re saying dumb metaphorical shit, You feel like a sandcastle, too.”
“Hmm? How?”
“Yeah! I feel like I wanna rebuild you every time you get washed away. Wanna know why?”
Riz laid back. “Lay it on me.”
The guard clanked on the door to the cell, signalling the end of the visit. Pina stood up and stretched, making that damn purring noise again.
“Because a work of art is worth the effort. And I know all about art.” Pina said. “See ya next time, Riz.”
This time, Riz smiled even though Pina was gone.
Month by month, Pina visited at least twice. A lucky few times, Pina slipped in a third or even a fourth time before he went about his own business. Riz was worried he was neglecting his duties as the new play lead, but when he finally saw the videos of Pina, on that stage, powerfully presenting himself as the poor victim of a loving Reaper, Adler, Riz knew he hadn’t wasted a breath. Despite the lackadaisical appearance of his underclassman, Pina was a hard worker, and a wonderful actor.
Pina had taken strides to bring Riz gifts. Nothing ever extravagant. New soap, blankets, some candy that smelled just like him. It kept Riz warm. He only had one visitor, yet he got more than any of his fellow prisoners. He knew it was Pina’s way of showing affection.
Riz did his best to show affection back. Juvie had a little bit more than just nothing to do, and he took advantage of that. He read through a book series Tem loved, he made some gifts. The arts and crafts center was strangely well stocked, and Riz found he had a knack for knitting. The new scarves Pina wore were apparently so cute, some of the kids in the drama club asked who they were from. Pina kept it all a secret. It wasn’t time yet.
It was the second week of November when Pina came in, and for the first time ever, he looked like shit. It was late at night, late enough that he was genuinely surprised the guards had let him in. Riz was just about to lay down and sleep when he heard the door open. He almost kept on going. He couldn’t smell honey. But his doors opened, and there was Pina. Even when he looked like shit, he made it work.
“Are you good? You look like you just woke up.” Riz said.
“On the contrary, I haven’t slept. I’ve had a busy last few days.” Pina smiled. “I hope I’m not catching you at a bad time.”
“Nah, come on, sit down.”
“Good, because I’ve got some SHIT to tell you about.”
Pina launched into a story about how the playwrights this season were tripping over themselves trying to make an original deal, but with singing. The music club wasn’t up to snuff, so the school’s musicians were devoting their time and efforts to improve it, but the teachers weren’t seeing much of an improvement. On and on he went, about how Louis had visited briefly, how Legosi had dropped by (Riz was actually happy to hear that Legosi was doing alright. He was sure the same wasn’t true vice versa.)
Pina started showing him videos, but his hand was faltering. The videos kept playing and Pina laughed weakly here and there. Without much bravado, without any real warning, Pina was asleep on Riz’s lap.
Riz’s heart fluttered a bit. He didn’t reach his hands up, he didn’t dare. If he made any real advance towards Pina, he would trigger a reaction from the guards, and he didn’t want this moment to end. This moment of shared vulnerability. He’d never felt anything like it. Tem would give hugs, and truth be told, there was nothing anyone could ever do to stop Riz when his muscles and stature decided on a course of action. But in this moment, this lone second, Riz realized just how much Pina did trust him. Enough to lay down, to bare his neck to him. In only a few months, Riz had grown closer to this person, this victim of his past self, than he had ever been. And that’s when Riz knew he was going to be okay. Even emaciated, near death, starving, Riz knew he would never hurt this delicate sheep in his lap.
What a beautiful sandcastle.
No.
A log cabin.
The guard took a step forward, looking at Riz quizzically. Riz just shrugged, and shook his head. The message was received, and Riz was granted more time here. Watching Pina sleep, watching him snore, was more than Riz could’ve ever hoped for in his life. Herbivores didn’t often get this close. He doubted anyone else in Juvie, hell, even Legosi, had ever been this close to someone.
The hour practically dissolved, and then passed again. Pina finally woke up, way past his time to leave. The guard wasn’t back yet. They had some time together.
“Mmm… Did I fall asleep?” Pina croaked.
“Yeah.”
“Sorry. What a crummy way to spend time visiting your favourite bear.”
“I enjoyed it.” Riz said. “And honestly, you needed it. You look less like someone hit your face with a textbook.”
“Yikes. Hardcover or soft?”
“Definitely hardcover.”
“I knew I shoulda put on more eyeliner.” Pina half cursed.
Pina rested his head back on Riz’s lap. This time, Riz didn’t waste any time.
“Pina, thank you so much for visiting me all these times. You’ve been the only thing I ever look forward to these days.”
“Oh? I knew I was exciting, I didn’t know I was the MOST exciting.”
“You’re the world to me.” Riz said.
Pina looked at him, looked IN him. “God, I wish I could take that muzzle off.”
“Oh?”
“I… Believe it or not, I feel like I’m supposed to kiss you.”
“I’d like that.” Riz said. “I’d like that a lot.”
Pina stood up, and without a moment of hesitation, kissed Riz on the forehead. “Once you get outta here, I’m gonna make out with you so hard. You realize that, right?”
“I’d feel cheated otherwise.” Riz said. “But until then?”
“Until then, I’ll come twice a month. We’ll keep up. Riz, I promise you, you’re gonna make it out of here.”
“I doubt I’ll have much of a place to go.” Riz said.
“I’ll find us an apartment. Somewhere rustic. I hate the city, it makes my fur frizzy.”
“You’d still look amazing.”
“It’s official.” Pina chuckled, leaning forward to plant another kiss on Riz’s forehead. “You’ve worked yourself out of the doghouse once you’re outta here.”
“I feel like that comment is much more racist than you realize, dude. I’m in the Carnivore wing of a Juvenile Detention.”
“Oops.” Pina said. “Well, you get what I mean.”
“Yeah.” Riz said. The guard had materialized outside of the cell, yawning. He looked at Pina like he was the only thing between the guard and a nice nap. Pina got the message instantly.
“I’ll get out as soon as I can.” Riz said. “I promise you, we’ll come out the other end of this.”
Pina nodded. “Until then, twice a month.” He said. “I love you.”
Pina was out of Riz’s cell before Riz could even compose himself enough to reply, simply saying the words back. Words he never thought he’d say nearly a year ago. Words he, until now, hadn’t dared to embrace.
“I love you, too.”