Work Text:
Would anyone notice...
If tonight I disappeared?
Would anyone chase me...
And say the words that I need to hear?
That I'm no burden.
Not so worthless…
(Citizen Solider – would anyone care)
Mulder POV
Deep darkness lies heavy like lead on my soul - my body is cold like ice. With expressionless eyes I stare out of the window where the rain lashes. The night is as dark as my innermost being, there is no more light in me. No one knows what it looks like inside me, how I feel. I have no one, I am alone. There's no point in living anymore. No family, no friends, no one. I have no one worth living for.
Silently I turn on my heels, go to my apartment door, open it, step into the hallway and let the door slide into the lock behind me with a soft click. Slowly I go down the staircase and leave the building. I do not feel the rain; neither the cold. I don't wear shoes, I am barefoot and my jacket is still over the couch. Slowly I roam the lonely streets without orientation and stop at a corner under a lantern to lift my face into the sky.
The rain runs over my face, my hair sticks to my head wet. Surely they are deep black now, instead of the dark brown tone. Silently sighing, I look at the starry, cloudless sky for a short moment and imagine myself to be one of the shining stars in the firmament. People would take notice of me, on the contrary to now. Lowering my gaze again, I continue on my way and head for the city park at random. I don't want any more; I can't go on.
Bent so much that I just might break
All consuming, so confusing
The questions that keep me awake
Would anyone care...
Would anyone cry...
If I finally stepped off this ledge tonight?
The ground is muddy from the rain, my feet are almost sinking into the earth. Undeterred I continue my way and am lost in thought.
My last relationship broke up three years ago. I would have been too married to my work and would hardly have had time for it. Was that really the case? I love my work. I love what I am when I can be there. In my apartment, I'm a nobody. An insignificant nobody. I haven't been in a relationship since. Not even a one-night stand.
Two years ago, I was assigned a new partner. She is smart, pretty and an absolute skeptic, which is due to her profession - doctor and interested in science. Working at the FBI is a hard nut to crack for her, because we men clearly dominate that area. Dana Scully is discredited as Ice Queen at headquarters because she really only talks to the other agents as much as necessary. I don't know her very well either. Not that she could have any private interest in me whatsoever. Because I'm not worth it. I'm not worthy of love.
Anyone who gets close to me, sooner or later I'll make them miserable. I can't do that to anyone anymore.
Meanwhile I have arrived in a more remote part of the park and sink onto one of the benches, soaked by the rain, and let my gaze wander over my dimly lit surroundings. Not a soul is on the road at this time of day and in this weather. So at least I can't disturb anybody.
Would anything change?
Would you all be just fine?
'Cause I need a reason to not throw the fight
It just might save my life
Would anyone want me...
If they knew what was inside my head?
Would anyone see me...
For the person that I really am?
Worthless. Alone. Not capable of making anyone happy. No one would ever miss me, at least not really. They'd notice I stopped showing up for work. Scully might miss me. She's the one person on God's green earth that I trust. Who trusts me when it comes to the cases we work on together. Not even my own damn mother could love me for who I am. Now she's been dead for several years and I've lost the last member of my family as well. The last Mulder. If I die, there will be no one left in the family to carry on this bloodline. I suppose that's probably for the best...
In my job I have been good - even honoured. As the FBI's top profiler. I am also a recognized psychologist. But I can't help myself. I don't know what's wrong with me. What makes me this useless individual in a nonexistent personal life. Really: what the hell is wrong with me?
I won't lie so hard to hide
I've never felt worthy of love
I would give up everything I have just to feel good enough
'Cause I need a reason to now throw the fight
It just might save my life
I let my head hang, bent forward, my elbows supported on my knees, my arms hanging in the air between my legs, and breathe deeply in and out. The water drips from my hair and I start to shiver. Not because I'm cold, no. It is the inner emptiness; the darkness. It takes the air I breathe and I gasp softly. Helplessness is spreading inside me, eating away at my soul.
x- x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
Scully POV
Mulder doesn't answer his phone, only his answering machine answers the other end of the line. His cell phone is off. It's not like him at all. I've known him for two years now and his cell phone is never off unless we're on an important case and there is danger to life and limb. Something's wrong. Something is very, very wrong. Nervously I slip into my boots, put on my coat and grab my weapon, as well as my front door and car keys, only to fall out of my apartment.
Please let him be okay. Maybe he's asleep and his battery died. Let him be okay, dear God.
Breathless, because I ran to his apartment three blocks away, I bend forward and lean on my knees, panting heavily to gasp for breath. My heart is racing - I'm scared. I'm afraid for Fox Mulder, my partner. Why is that? I'm not sure I can explain it to myself. He's my partner at the FBI. I can depend on him blindly. There's no one else I would blindly put my life in the hands of. I trust him implicitly. He's also my friend. He's a very good friend. A feeling of anxiety creeps into my chest as I look up at his living room window. It's dark. Maybe he went out? No, he's a loner; a lone wolf. And it's still too early for him to sleep.
I press the bell and wait, while the anxiety inside me spreads further and further into my body. Rain runs into my eyes and I briefly wipe my forehead with the flat of my hand. Nothing moves on the intercom. I think feverishly. Maybe he is taking a walk because he is thinking about a potential new case. Then he is probably near the park, which he had at least mentioned once before. With a beating heart I jog in that direction and keep an eye out for him, still with a feeling of anxiety in my chest.
The ground is muddy and I am glad to have put on my boots as I make my way through the park. My breath has returned to normal, but I curse myself as I am not carrying a flashlight with me. It is not very bright here at this time of day, I notice and let my gaze wander searchingly. Mulder! I can see his collapsed figure on the park bench and I accelerate my stride a little to be with him faster. He doesn't look well, not wearing a jacket or shoes. His head is hanging low between his knees, his hands are buried in the dripping hair and he is shaking all over his body.
If you're dying inside
Sick of being alive
Let me in, let me share in your pain
From my lungs through the dark
Spoken straight from the heart
As I stand right next to him, I can hear him wheezing. His breath goes in puffs and his entire clothes are soaked. How long has he been sitting here like this? And why is he barefoot and without a jacket? Delicately I put my palm on his left shoulder and crouch down to draw his attention to me.
I feel him freeze and swallow hard.
"Mulder..." I whisper and wipe a strand of hair from my forehead.
He relaxes a little and sighs deeply. I can feel how bad he's feeling. His dark mood has virtually manifested itself around him and I feel like I can grab it if I would just try.
"What happened, Mulder? Why are you sitting here alone in the rain?"
After a few moments, he shakes his head slowly and I know he can't tell me; can't put it into words. I let my hand move gently from his shoulder to his left wrist and I grab it, feel his pulse racing. He seems to be having a panic attack.
Let me give you a reason to stay
If you're out there still lying awake
If you're out there still wondering
Would anyone care...
Would anyone cry...
If you finally gave up and turned out the light?
Without thinking about it I let myself fall on my knees into the mud, slide half around him and pull him wordlessly just into my arms. Mulder makes a surprised sound and then hesitantly puts his arms around my waist to pull me tight. I let it happen and whistle at the wetness that now soaks my jeans from shins to knees. The only thing that counts now is my partner. I cannot watch him suffer like this - it tears my own heart apart to see him like this. To know that he is suffering. For whatever reason.
Soothingly, I caress the wet, black shirt and feel his icy cold skin. He will catch his death, it runs through my head in terror and I lean back a little bit to gently lift my right hand to his left cheek and gently turn his face so that he has to look at me. His eyes are black as the night and expressionless. Without any hope - without their brilliance. My heart contracts painfully and I look sadly into his eyes.
"You'll catch your death if we sit here like this. Let us go to your house", I say in a slightly fragile voice and add: "Please, Mulder."
It takes a moment until he finally nods almost imperceptibly, stands up carefully and pulls me onto my feet. I look up at him, blink at the rain and notice that he looks at me with a look I can't interpret. I have never seen this look on him before. Giving him a smile, I gently grab his hand and we make our way back to his apartment, where he tremblingly tries to unlock the front door, which he does not succeed, so that I take the keys out of his hand and let us into the house. Apologetically he smiles at me and we take the elevator to the fourth floor.
Mulder leaves wet footprints behind him and I have to smile as I open his apartment door. Closing the door we now stand in his hallway and I get rid of my wet coat. Undecidedly I stand there with it in my hand and look questioningly at Mulder who finally takes it off me and with a movement of his head tells me to follow him into the bathroom. There he hangs my coat on a wall dryer and I raise my eyebrows in amazement. Not a bad idea, this idea in a small room.
"Jump in the shower or you'll catch a cold. I'll wait for you in the living room, okay?" I say and smile.
Lifting one eyebrow in amusement, he lets his gaze wander down to my legs and I follow his look irritated. I see my wet, dirty jeans and have to giggle. I had completely forgotten them for a moment!
"Oh...", I say and look at him embarrassed. "Can I throw them in the washing machine at your place?"
As he nods, I undo the button on my jeans, unzip the zipper and slide the fabric down my legs to get out of my trouser legs. As I stand up with my jeans in my left hand, I catch a glimpse of his face. His mouth is open in surprise, his eyes are widened. I grin briefly and throw the piece of cloth into the open top loader which is standing next to me.
"Scu-lleh... you are standing here only in your panties", he informs me irritated and my grin widens.
"Really? I didn't even notice that. Thanks, Sherlock."
"Uh-huh," he just goes and clears his throat briefly. "Get one of my sweatpants from the bedroom closet, I don't want to get it all wet."
"One more thing, Mulder," I say quietly, looking him straight in the eye.
"Huh?"
Slowly I walk towards him and his eyes widen again a little bit, while our eye contact doesn't break off. I stop right in front of him and look up at him. While I raise my right hand and place it in his neck, I can see that he can see in my eyes what I am telling him wordlessly. He can see the love, trust and longing in it. Tenderly pull his head down to my face with my hand in his neck and smile my most beautiful smile for him.
"I love you", I breathe and our lips meet while we both close our eyes.
The world would be changed if you left it behind
You can't be replaced no...
Tonight is the night you take back your life
Take back your life...
Take back your life...
Take back your life…
Mulder hesitantly wraps his arms around a hip while one of his hands moves up my back and gently embraces the back of my head. I release our kiss by leaning back a little and look him in the eyes again, which show the familiar glow I have so painfully missed.
"I love you too, Scully," he smiles and his eyes shine with his mouth.
Smiling, I release myself from his strong arms and wink at him.
"But now I'm really waiting for you in the living room."
I leave the bathroom and feel his look in my back as I gently close the door behind me.
Thoughtfully I stop, the doorknob still in my hand and look at the door leaf. Slowly I turn the knob and open the door a crack.
"Mulder?"
"Yes, l--"
"Need help washing your back?"
- END -