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Kyungsoo likes to think that he’s not that vulnerable to feelings. He tries his best to not show his best feelings to others. He endures a gut-wrenching hurt in his stomach when a person takes notice of him and his feelings for too long. He tries his best when it comes to having a conversation with someone but that’s his limit, he’d take a small talk between what happened between their day but he’d never say what he deeply feels inside. He’d rather keep it to himself and not show his feelings to others because he knew at the end of the day, he’s only got himself.
If something excites him, he’d smirk for about one second and that’s it. He’d tell it to his friend Baekhyun but he’d easily divert the topic to what Baekhyun is doing so that they won’t talk about him and what excites him anymore.
If some sad and depressing news were delivered to him, he’d shed a tear but he’d do it inside his room when no one can see him. He’d rather keep it to himself.
If someone comes and Kyungsoo sees that person as someone attractive, he’d crush his feelings quickly and hide it safely on the bottom of his heart where no one can know about his crush. He’d wish for the attraction to go away and it works everytime.
These norms for Kyungsoo had ended when he met Chanyeol, his college roommate.
He and Chanyeol met in freshman year and in one glance, Kyungsoo knew that this tall lanky guy was a giant puppy in a man suit. Chanyeol didn’t stop talking to him on the day they first met. Chanyeol blabbered to him about different facts about the university and how he was so lucky to have gotten to pass the entrance exam at their university.
“They said this university is haunted. I’m scared, Kyungsoo and since you will be my roommate, I demand you to protect me and should always stay by my side.” Chanyeol said with a fake shaking voice. Kyungsoo shaked his head in disbelief that this tall incoming freshman has these elementary jokes ready.
The jokes come running all throughout the day and some of them made Kyungsoo laugh. Even though Kyungsoo remained silent the whole time, Chanyeol made sure that there was no dull moment between them without making him uncomfortable and Kyungsoo had to admit that he didn’t feel uncomfortable with Chanyeol at all.
Kyungsoo thought that he’d get exhausted from all of Chanyeol’s talking and surprisingly, he didn’t feel the urge to stop Chanyeol from talking and he didn’t feel any tiredness at all.
They got along well. They had good days. They were the perfect dynamic. They both think that out of all the students in the university, they were the only ones who enjoyed their freshman year the most because they got each other. And at the end of the day, Chanyeol is still the talkative one and Kyungsoo is still struggling in showing and voicing out his feelings.
Kyungsoo didn’t anticipate that freshman year would be this stressful. Midterms exams were coming but the only thing he needed to pass for their exam was a sketch of a scenery that their professor gave them. There were papers scattered around his study table and lots of dried up pens lining up his pen holder. He had zero hours of sleep and the only thing that keeps him alive is the coffee running through his body.
Maybe it was the coffee or the tiredness but when Chanyeol slammed a pillow on his study table, Kyungsoo almost had a heart attack.
“If you have no plans on sleeping on your bed at least sleep on this table.” Chanyeol squinted his eyes at him and frowned.
“I have no plans on sleeping at all..” Kyungsoo shrugged and continued coloring the sun in his sketch.
“Do Kyungsoo, do not make me drag you..” Chanyeol warned and got the acrylic on his hand and put it back on its container.
“Chanyeol please I need to perfect this.” he mumbled as he rubbed his eyes from all the tiredness he’s feeling.
“You’ll perfect this if you can get enough sleep.”
“I’ll just finish this then I’ll go to sleep.” Kyungsoo lied and got his acrylic again to continue but was immediately stopped when he felt arms wrapping around his body as he felt himself being lifted from his seat.
“I warned you..” Chanyeol muttered as he manhandled Kyungsoo and kicked the door on the smaller’s room so he could place Kyungsoo on the bed. Kyungsoo tried his best to free himself from Chanyeol’s grasp but failed as he slowly felt the tiredness and sleepiness creeping in.
“Chanyeol, I need to..” Kyungsoo cutted off his own sentence as he yawned as he felt the warmth and softness of his comforter.
“You’ll finish it tomorrow, okay? For now, please sleep.” Chanyeol replied as he closed his eyes. For a moment, Kyungsoo felt like Chanyeol was staring at him. He slowly opened his eyes and he saw Chanyeol’s eyes widened as if he didn’t anticipate that Kyungsoo would re-open his eyes.
“Your eyes are so glassy now..” Chanyeol whispered as he ruffled Kyungsoo’s hair. Kyungsoo could feel the comfort of how Chanyeol ruffles his hair thus sleep slowly consumed him.
In that moment as he slept, he didn’t feel how Chanyeol deeply contemplated whether to kiss his forehead or not. At that moment because of his tiredness, Kyungsoo didn’t feel how Chanyeol’s soft lips touched his forehead. How Chanyeol’s lips were warm because of the reddening cheeks appearing on his cheeks.
It was a good sleep for him but he didn’t know how Chanyeol kept his eyes open up that night while he prayed to God how he could stop what he was feeling for Kyungsoo.
“Kyungsoo..” One day, he heard Chanyeol whine as the taller softly put his head on top of his head. Kyungsoo is doing his plates and he only gets approximately eight hours before the sun comes up and he has to submit his project first thing in the morning.
“What?” he sighed as he dropped his pen and turned his chair to look at his bouncy roommate but suddenly froze when he noticed how close they were.
“I’m happy today. Ask me why.” Chanyeol replied with a big smile on his face.
“Why are you happy today, Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes. He had seen Chanyeol with his lots of emotions and Chanyeol never ceased to announce what his emotions were and what were the causes of his emotion. He could admit to himself that he and Chanyeol were polar opposites.
“I got a date tonight.” Chanyeol blurted and held his arms like he won the lotto.
Kyungsoo froze and stared at Chanyeol with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. Chanyeol had been trying his best to find someone to love recently so Kyungsoo knew this was coming but he never thought it would be this soon.
To think that Kyungsoo had always had a hard time voicing out the littlest feelings, what more when he starts to realize that he likes Chanyeol. He’s scared to death how he can’t even mutter a single word to what he really feels to Chanyeol.
And then he remembers what he did to those attractions he had before, he’d keep it at the deepest spot of his heart and try to forget. He’d wish for the feelings to go away.
If he always struggles on speaking about his feelings, he’s sure that no one deserves a coward like him. A coward who tries to hide his true feelings because he didn’t want anybody’s attention. A coward who’d rather hurt himself by not telling what he truly feels than to show to anybody how vulnerable he is.
Chanyeol doesn’t deserve a coward like him. Chanyeol who speaks his mind all the time and who’s brave enough to tell a person how he doesn’t like their personality nor their attitude.
“Soo?” Chanyeol said and furrowed his brow. The voice snapped Kyungsoo out of his thinking so then he fixed his gaze at his roommate.
“Y-Yeah, wow uh, is she pretty?” Kyungsoo stuttered.
“Dude, why assume that my date is a girl?” Chanyeol frowned. Chanyeol had told him before that he’s bisexual while Kyungsoo confessed to Chanyeol that he’s gay ever since.
“O-Oh, yeah right, sorry..”
“But yeah, she is pretty..” Chanyeol chuckled and looked at the wall like he’s already daydreaming about his date. Kyungsoo couldn’t even move to slap Chanyeol across his head to stop him from daydreaming.
“I’m happy for you..” Kyungsoo whispered as he tightened his grip on the pencil on his hand and he faked a smile.
“You’re not gonna believe how we met, I have a drink on my hand and she was behind me..” Chanyeol began. As Kyungsoo looked at Chanyeol’s mouth as he told
the story, he couldn’t help but feel a little bit disappointed.
He knew Chanyeol would never see him as something more than a friend and Kyungsoo tries his best to accept that. But to actually see and hear from Chanyeol’s mouth that he likes another girl, he feels deeply regretful.
That very night, Chanyeol came home with a huge grin on his face while Kyungsoo was finishing his last touches to his project. He almost jumped out of his seat when he heard the door of their dorm open and revealed a joyful Chanyeol. Kyungsoo knew he had a good time and Chanyeol’s relationship with the girl will surely last long.
That night, Kyungsoo excused himself from Chanyeol by telling him that he felt tired from all the drawing he did and went straight to his room.
Three weeks later, Chanyeol went to Kyungsoo’s room in the morning and made his way to his bed. Kyungsoo had just gotten out of the bath and was surprised to see his friend looking so down. The taller let his body down on Kyungsoo’s bed and let out a big sigh.
“Good morning to you..” Kyungsoo tightened his grip on the towel on his waist and greeted his friend. He made his way to his closet and picked out a black jeans and a forgotten jacket that was too big for him.
“There’s nothing good in the morning Soo.” Chanyeol sighed as he got up to get into a sitting position on his bed.
“Hangover?” Kyungsoo tilted his head as he slipped the jacket over his head.
“No. She dumped me..” Chanyeol slumped his shoulders as he pouted.
“Oh no..” Kyungsoo awkwardly said. He was not good at comforting friends but he’s good at listening.
“You’ll find another.” Kyungsoo made his way to his bed and rubbed his friend’s shoulder to atleast let him know that he’s there and he’ll listen. Kyungsoo just wishes for Chanyeol to see him as that ‘another’. He’s getting uncomfortable because he didn’t know what to do especially when the friend that he’s comforting is the one who he likes.
“Thanks, Soo.” Chanyeol sadly said and pointedly made eye contact with him. Kyungsoo hates this because he knows Chanyeol could see that he’s getting uneasy with the conversation so Chanyeol would open up a new topic.
“That’s my jacket by the way..” Chanyeol chuckled. There he goes.
“Really?” Kyungsoo gasped as he looked at the oversized jacket. He should’ve known that he’ll never buy something this big and hideous to be honest.
“Yeah..”
“Why is it in my closet?”
“Y’know, you tend to forget a lot of things, I think it’s from all the stress you’re getting from your plates. Ironically, I gave you that jacket because you passed out on
the couch one night and you had no blanket. I grabbed that jacket from my closet but I was stupid not to think to get an actual blanket from your room. But that’s okay since you look cute with that jacket..” Chanyeol said amusingly.
“I’m not cute..” Kyungsoo defended.
“From my story, that’s the only thing that you could say?” Chanyeol raised his eyebrows but quickly melts the look on his face to something pleasant, maybe because he remembered how Kyungsoo is programmed.
“Nevermind.” Chanyeol shaked his head and then continued, “But my point stands, that jacket makes you extra cute..” he giggled.
“Shut up, I’m not cute..” Kyungsoo playfully slapped Chanyeol’s arm.
“Ask your friends and family, the one thing that they could describe you, other than deadly, is cute.” Chanyeol stuck his tongue out on him as he ran out of the room to get away from Kyungsoo’s slap.
“Chanyeol..” Kyungsoo growled as he went out of his room to run after him.
As they playfully teased each other that day, Kyungsoo happily looked at Chanyeol who kept on pinching his cheeks to show Kyungsoo how cute and fluffy his cheeks are, it all became slow motion for him; the way Chanyeol softly touched his cheeks and the way Chanyeol laughed and chuckled. But still, Kyungsoo couldn’t find himself telling Chanyeol what he truly felt.
It was almost the end of the semester when Kyungsoo finally got the courage.
Kyungsoo might always get people believing his lies but he knows he cannot lie to himself. After spending a whole year with Chanyeol, with the taller being so caring and gentle with him, he couldn’t help but fall in love with him.
Kyungsoo fell in love with the way Chanyeol reacts to every bare minimum he made, that even doing the most timid actions, Chanyeol knows how to handle him. He knows when Kyungsoo becomes uncomfortable on a topic and will immediately divert the topic to something else. Chanyeol also notices the little things. He’d know that Kyungsoo feels confined in a conversation when he starts to rub his eyelid and cheeks. Chanyeol knew that it was time to stop and start to talk about something else.
He fell in love with him for simply noticing him and his little-to-no actions.
Kyungsoo walked from their university to their dorm that night ready to tell Chanyeol the truth. He practiced how he’d tell Chanyeol in his head and he did overthink it but in the end, he knew he just needed to tell it to him simply.
This is the only thing that made him want to burst out what he feels because of the overwhelming emotion he feels everytime he looks at Chanyeol and his dumb smile.
He opened up the door to their room and he felt a thump on his chest when he saw Chanyeol smiling at something projected at their tv screen. Chanyeol must be watching Zootopia again, Kyungsoo thought. Kyungsoo was ready to step inside their room to grab Chanyeol and talk to him about his kept feelings but was cut off when he saw on the other side of the wide space, where the door of Chanyeol’s room is located, suddenly opened and revealed a shirtless guy.
“Oh.” Kyungsoo quietly said. Chanyeol immediately turned his head to him and jumped out of his seat.
Kyungsoo couldn’t do anything but slammed the door closed again to run away from the scene. He knew he’s not in the right place to react that way but his chest felt so heavy as he took each step away. He was about to run down the fire escape when he heard Chanyeol calling for him.
“Kyungsoo..” Chanyeol called out to him as the taller ran and quickly got into his pace. Kyungsoo kept his head down low and ignored the taller.
“Soo..”
“D-Don’t..” Kyungsoo’s voice croaked as he continued to walk down the stairs.
It was on the second floor when Chanyeol caught up to him, “Why did you run?”, Chanyeol grabbed his arm and looked at him earnestly
“I-I think you guys needed the space..” He looked away and fidget his way from Chanyeol’s grasp.
“I don’t believe you..” Chanyeol crossed his arms.
“Fine then don’t believe me.” Kyungsoo turned around and was about to take one step down when Chanyeol grabbed him by the arm again.
“Look at me..” Chanyeol pleaded, “Kyungsoo, please..”
“He’s just a friend, okay? His roommate asked him not to go to their room tonight, that's why he’s crashing in my room.” Chanyeol explained as he still couldn’t look him in the eye.
“That’s all there is. Now please tell me why did you run?” Chanyeol leaned his body forward to search for Kyungsoo’s eyes. Kyungsoo remained silent.
“Please, I know you’re too scared to voice out your feelings but I beg you, Kyungsoo.. Tell me..” Chanyeol whispered as he looked straight right into his eyes.
“I love you.” Kyungsoo muttered as he blinked back the tears that were forming in his eyes.
“I love you.. I love you that my heart can’t take it anymore. I can’t keep silent about it anymore because I’m afraid that I’ll regret it if I don’t say it to you sooner. I
never had the courage to say it but damn it, if I won’t tell it to you, I’m scared that this feeling will be here forever and I’ll most likely blame myself for not taking a risk. For not taking a chance.” he bursted out in front of Chanyeol.
“I love you that I tried slowly being vulnerable to my feelings and to you. I tried because I love you.” Kyungsoo had trouble maintaining eye contact and kept his head low.
“Kyungsoo..” he heard Chanyeol mumbles and felt hands cupping his cheeks. Chanyeol slowly lifted his head up and leaned forward to place a soft kiss on his forehead.
“I love you too..” the taller whispered.
“Thank you for trying and for what it’s worth, you tried and you succeeded. I was only waiting for you to say that for a long time now and then I tried dating others but I failed because I was finding you in them, I tried not to think that they can’t have the same gummy smile as you and how their cheeks won’t be the same as you. I’m so happy that you tried, Soo and I promise you, I’ll make this worth it..” Chanyeol whispered and kissed his nose, “You took a chance and you won completely. You have won me.” he added and Kyungsoo saw how earnest Chanyeol was with his eyes.
Kyungsoo never thought that trying would bring him so much happiness. He didn’t see the point in trying to show his feelings before but now, looking at Chanyeol and how he makes him so happy, it made sense like a hundred-piece puzzle. A puzzle that brings him frustrations but in the end, the satisfaction and happiness it gives him is worth all the hardship he went through.
From now on, he won’t stop trying. He’s not gonna ever stop trying to give Chanyeol all the love he deserves.
Slowly, Chanyeol leaned down and pressed his soft lips onto Kyungsoo’s lips. He gave him a short sweet kiss and went to kiss his forehead again.
“I might be addicted to your forehead, Soo.”