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The party is in full swing and I look at you, dancing surrounded by strangers, trying to erase the sweat and stuffiness of the room. You're so far away and I can’t do anything, just stand by. Nothing will be the same. I think about our life with you, it flashes before my eyes like an old frames of a filmstrip, flickers in the player like the light reflected in a disco ball. And I couldn`t recover from your splendor, I couldn`t run after you forever. You went out for fun again last night, but I won’t be the winner of your battle between reckless fun and myself. I can’t win because you don’t know how to fight and I`m not sure if you really want to fight for me. And I can’t do anything now, except to drink more beer at the bar, watching your silhouette in the dancing crowd. And who am I to stand in your way? And if you want to lose yourself in dance and have fun, then I'm leaving and won`t say a thing.
I am not your father, not your cure. You continue to beg me to forgive and save you, but in fact you don`t want salvation, you only want to hear that everything you do is right and absolutely normal and continue to have a useful and comfortable vest for tears with you, me. You are so committed to your trauma and pain that I have no place in you, even to lend a helping hand. I'm leaving. My skin is cracking under neon lights I hate it here. Emotional pain turns into physical, but still, I'm leaving. It`s all like ripped something from heart, but I feel nothing. And what will happen next? Another flat you won’t even appear in, just not to be too attached to me? It would be nice to leave our old one, where we spent so much time together. But the colors in it are not bright enough to linger, not enough to interest you. Wasn't I bright enough for you too? But if you turned your past into ashes, you missed a day at work with me, maybe we could have done something, you would have liked it. But again you slip away from home by night, breaking me from the inside. And I'm slither after you to this place. A place, where everything is bright: people, music and light. Did you need this from me? Be like everyone else? To be brighter? But I don’t want that anymore. I do not want to be your toy, your anchor. I'm letting you go. I'm letting go of you.
Another word between us and everything will only get worse, so I am silent. I am silent and leaving the club, where it is quiet, past the neon lights, past the bright signboards and street lamps. Where you could sober up and go home. I wanted to save you, but I have to think about myself. You are an unattainable star, and I wanted you to be my hand-held firefly. You wanted me to be your light beacon, but you didn’t understand that you yourself destroyed the entire foundation on which this lighthouse was erected. It is destroyed. I am silent. I'm leaving. I am leaving along the dark alleys, where the only light on the meters around will be only the one that I light in myself, as a hint of my own happy future. Deep in my soul, only occasionally recalling our days together when the ghostly light of my love for you remained on your skin.
And Seattle is still beautiful at this time of the year, you just have to rain wash off the dirt of the previous day.