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Hopper calls Billy’s mother that same night, Susan knows. He calls Susan back and tells her that she’s apparently planning on coming that very next day. She lives in New York, it turns out, and it’s a twelve hour drive from there to Hawkins, so Susan expects she’ll arrive late. It doesn’t feel like it’s giving her nearly enough time to talk to Billy about it. She doesn’t know what she’s supposed to say. She almost asks Hopper to tell her what his mother sounded like, if she was remorseful, but she manages to stop herself only because she realises that she can’t judge this woman. It’s not like Susan has been a particularly good replacement for her until this goddamn month. And she figures it must mean something, that she’s willing to drop everything and come here. For Billy’s sake, she hopes it means something.
Max doesn’t react the way Susan thought she might. She doesn’t get angry, doesn’t say that Billy’s mum doesn’t know him like they do, doesn’t say that she shouldn’t get to come a decade after she left him and take him back, take him away. No, Max goes quiet, her expression thoughtful and a little sad.
“He really misses her, you know?” She says instead. “I hope she’s good. I hope she gives him a reason for leaving. He’s been wondering for years why she left him.”
Susan considers not telling him. She’s eating breakfast with Joyce, and she tells her about her doubts.
Joyce smiles kindly at her. “It’s going to be worse for him if you don’t tell him. If he just wakes up and sees her. He should get a few hours to prepare himself. And you don’t know what she’s like.”
“She’s never attempted to contact him”, Susan says, perhaps a little more righteously than she has any right to.
“But you don’t know her reasons. Billy told you Neil would hurt her, didn’t he? Domestic shit, it’s... it’s complicated.”
“You’re right about that”, Susan says with a sigh and Joyce smiles at her again.
“Has Hopper told you when you can get back to your house? Not because I mind you being here! I just thought a little familiarity might help.”
Susan shakes her head. “And honestly, I don’t think I want to go back there. That house... it has too many bad memories. I would like to burn it, if I could.”
Joyce laughs a little, but it isn’t unkind, it’s understanding. “You know... there’s a cottage, rather big. In the woods, near Jim’s cabin, and it isn’t very far from here either. He was considering buying it, but he thought it was ‘too girly’ so he settled for the cabin instead. You could check it out, if you want?”
And so Susan makes plans with Joyce to call the current owner, and to check it out later that day, and Susan feels a little lighter. She decides that she’s going to give Billy’s mum a chance. And as she leaves with Max to go to the hospital at noon, she tries to prepare herself for the bomb she’s about to drop on Billy.
He’s reading one of the comics Max left here yesterday, that she got from Will because they’re still not allowed in their house, but as soon as they step in he puts it down and turns to look at them with a frown.
“What’s wrong?” he immediately asks.
“Nothing’s... wrong”, Susan says as she goes to sit down in the chair by his bed. “I talked to Hopper, about adopting you. And, well... he called me last night. You’re mum still has custody of you, Billy.”
He stares at her in silence, for a while minute. He looks like he can’t believe her, like he’s afraid she’s pulling some horrible prank on him. When he speaks, his voice is no more than a broken whisper. “... What?”
Susan shakes her head. “I don’t know. I guess she never signed away her rights, and Neil never brought it to court, so she’s kept them. She... She lives in New York. Hopper called her. She’s coming here, tonight.”
“She’s what? ”
“How are you feeling?” Max asks him and Billy lets out a breathe. He sinks back into the pillow and shakes his head.
“I don’t know. I think... I think I want to be alone for a little bit.”
Susan nods. “Okay. I’m going to go with Joyce and check out a cottage in the forest that I think we might move to.”
Billy nods, absentmindedly. Max has another of Will’s comics in hand, and follows Susan out of his room. She goes to sit on the bench in the corridor outside Billy’s room and tells her she’ll wait for Steve there. Susan kisses her hair, and leaves to go meet up with Joyce and the real estate agent.
—
The front door of the cottage opens up into a big room with a fireplace which Susan assumes is to be used as a living room. There’s a staircase leading to the upper floor, opposite the front door, and past it is a door to a kitchen that opens to a room just big enough for a dining table.
The second floor has four bedrooms and a bathroom. Susan understands what Hopper meant by it being ‘too girly’ for him. It’s an old, pretty building out of bricks and faded baby blue painted wood with white details. It’s in good condition, but Susan can tell nobody has been living there in many years, so it looks like it could need a little bit of love. There’s an overgrown rose bush next to the steps to the front door.
Susan buys it then and there. It’s not very expensive despite its size, probably because it is located in the middle of the woods, and Susan gets the feeling the real estate agent is just happy somebody’s buying it.
And while she still thinks the forests surrounding Hawkins feel weird, there’s nothing here that can be more scary than what hides in suburban neighbourhoods. Susan would rather deal with wild animals than what lies hidden behind closed doors and pleasant smiles. Abusive fathers and husbands and middle-aged women going after teenagers. Two-faced humans. The dangers in the woods are at least upright about what they are. And it’s less than a ten minute drive to Joyce, who’s becoming Susan’s first real friend in years.
—
It’s sometime between 8 and 9 pm, and Susan’s outside at the hospital parking lot, waiting for Billy’s mum. She’d talked to Hopper, earlier, and he’d told her when to expect her and that she would be driving a white car. He’d also let her know she could go back and start bringing their stuff to the cottage, when she’d told him she bought it. So she and Joyce spent a few hours moving clothes and books and such.
It doesn’t take long before a white convertible with the roof up pulls up and parks on the spot closest to where Susan is standing by the hospital wall. Susan is certain this is Billy’s mother, and she thinks that she now knows who Billy got his love for cars from, because while Neil drives a good one, it is not a nice one.
The first thing Susan sees of Anne Hargrove is a cigarette held delicately out through the window, between fingers with painted red nails. Then she steps out, and her hair is long and wavy and blonde and beautiful. She’s dressed in slick black slacks and a blouse, a glittering medallion around her neck, her lips red like her nails and her eyes blue like the California ocean. There is no doubt this is Billy’s mother. Susan’s only seen one picture of her, and it was quickly hidden by Billy when they were moving to Hawkins.
“Susan?” she says, and god, even her voice sounds like bells. Like a melody. A California girl like no other. She wonders if this is the woman Billy had called for, in his moment of pain, or if it had been Susan he’d meant.
But as she steps closer, Susan starts to notice small faults, small imperfections. Like how there’s a scar on her temple, and another one on her upper arm. Her lipstick isn’t even, there’s marks from her biting her lip, and a tiny red smudge on one tooth. Her eyes look a little red, and there’s dark circles underneath them, as though she’s been crying.
“Anne”, Susan says in greeting, and gets a weak smile in return.
“Billy... Can I see him?” The way she asks it. It tells Susan that she is not here to take him away from her. She does not want to upset Susan. It’s good to know, because it will hopefully make this whole ordeal easier for both of them.
Susan nods. “I’ll take you to him. But he might be asleep, and in that case... I don’t think you should wake him.”
“Of course.”
Anne follows her into the hospital, and Susan sees it’s almost twenty to nine. They get in the lift to Billy’s floor without speaking, and Susan checks if he’s awake before she lets Anne into the room. He’s not, so she moves to the side.
Anne collapses into the chair by his bedside the second she sees him, a trembling hand over her mouth.
“Visiting hours end in twenty minutes. I’ll wait for you outside”, Susan whispers gently and closes the door behind herself.
Anne comes out twenty minutes later, and she’s got tears in her eyes when she goes up to Susan and hugs her. It takes her aback, but she lets Anne do it when she hears her whisper “Thank you” before letting go.
Susan smiles at her. “I thought we could go to the diner and grab a bite and talk?”
Anne nods back at her. “That sounds great.”
And so they each get in their own cars and Susan drives to the diner, Anne following behind.
They find a booth a little bit away from the few other patrons and go to sit down opposite each other. A waitress comes by and Susan orders a milkshake while Anne gets an ice cream and coffee.
Susan looks at her cup of coffee with raised eyebrows when the waitress comes back with their orders, and Anne laughs a little.
“I’ve been awake since 4 am. And I’m used to drinking coffee late. I’m an author”, she says by way of explanation.
“Oh? What do you write?”
“I started with children’s books, and I would illustrate those, but then I turned to writing YA novels. But I write under a pen name. ‘Willa Chastain’.” She smiles, a little wistfully. “I liked the thought of Billy happening upon them. I knew Neil would never let him read something if he knew I’d written it.”
Susan nods, thoughtful. “‘Willa Chastain’? I think... Max, my daughter, I think I’ve bought your books for her.”
“What did she think of them?”
“I think she liked them. She did ask me to buy more.”
Anne beams and takes a sip of her coffee. Then a small frown appears between her eyebrows. “Who’s Steve? Billy, he was... he was mumbling his name in his sleep.”
“Oh... Steve, he’s...” Susan takes in a deep breath and sighs. “Listen, I know that I haven’t been the stepmum that Billy deserved or needed, but I am starting to get better at it. So I need you to know that if you don’t like what I’m going to say next, then you can just get up and leave.” The ‘again’ hangs between them, unsaid but still there. Anne nods at her and Susan lets out a breath she didn’t even realise she’d been holding. She lowers her voice, just to make sure no one except Anne hear what she’s about to say. “Steve is Billy’s boyfriend.”
Susan’s perhaps expecting quiet acceptance from Anne, or some questions, or the worst case, where she’d just get up and leave. What she’s not expecting is for Anne to start crying. It’s soundless, just tears starting to fall down her cheeks down towards her ice cream. Her expression looks close to crumbling.
“I’m sorry”, she says. “It’s just- You have to know, when I left them, I never thought Neil would turn on Billy. He was only hurting me. I never thought he’d hurt Billy. Not my sweet little William. He was only a child! I couldn’t think that I’d ever married such a monster in the first place.” She closes her eyes and sighs. When she looks back up at Susan her expression is earnest, begging not to be judged. “And there was a girl. Julie Chastain . She was from France but had moved to California. I fell for her. And I realised that I had never loved Neil. What I felt for her was love. And I didn’t think that the courts would let me keep him, anyway. Since I lived with a woman. But it was more than that. They wouldn’t think me suitable and I was different then. I had just realised that I was a lesbian. And part of me was afraid that they were right. That I wouldn’t be a suitable mother to Billy. That I would change him. But it turns out that he was just like me anyway.” She gives Susan a weak, broken smile.
Susan gently smiles back, thinks of Vivienne and what her life might’ve been like had she stayed with her and fought for herself earlier. She thinks she understands Anne’s reasons. “He’s a lot like you”, she tells Anne. “Except the anger. That’s all Neil’s fault. But he’s starting to get better. Neil’s gone, and Steve’s good for him. He has a support system now.”
“I’m glad”, Anne says, with a real smile.
“Is Julie waiting for you back home?”
Anne’s expression falls again. “No... She died. Cancer. Six years ago.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright. I have her with me. Always. In my heart. And here.” She reaches up and takes off her medallion, shaking out her long hair. “I have Billy here too.” Anne opens it up and lays it on the table between them. It has some kind of mechanism that makes it open up into three, rather than the usual two, spaces for photographs. The middle one is empty, but on the left Susan can see a black and white picture of a tiny sleeping baby. She thinks it may be the first time she’s seen a picture of Billy as a baby. On the right side is a beautiful brown haired woman. She’s got sunglasses on, her hair blowing in the wind, and her head thrown back in laughter.
Susan reaches out and puts her hand over Anne’s. She smiles up at her. “She was beautiful.”
Anne smiles back. “She was.” Then she looks down and sighs. “You know, as the years went by, the picture I had of him in my mind started to blur. I remembered him as he looked as a baby, of course I did, I kept a picture with me always, but the child I left... he wasn’t as clear anymore. It got to the point that I started to wonder if I’d even recognise him if we were to randomly meet. But then I went into that hospital room and I realised that there would never have been any confusion. God, it was like looking in a mirror. The same long, curled blonde hair, same long lashes, lips and cheekbones. The same Neil shaped bruises that I used to get covering his face. I... I should have been there . I should have protected him.”
Susan squeezes her hand. “I understand why you left. You didn’t think Neil would... you didn’t think he’d hurt him.”
Anne shakes her head. “No, but, as mothers, we have a duty to our children, and I failed.”
“Then I also failed. I only started protecting him this month. Before that I didn’t do anything when Neil went off. But do you know what Billy did, after I managed to get Neil to leave? He shouted at me that I shouldn’t have intervened. He wanted to keep Neil’s attention on him, and not on me, or Max, or my baby. He wanted to protect us . But I... ultimately, I think we both could have done better, but we did the best we knew how to do in the time it was. I think that Neil... he’s the one who failed. As a father, and as a husband. He messed us all up, and now we’re here feeling guilty, but I don’t think he has an ounce of remorse. All we can do is apologise, and forgive each other, and forgive ourselves, and be better.”
When she’s done, Anne’s crying again. Susan can feel tears in her own eyes, but they haven’t fallen yet. She places the one not over Anne’s on her belly and strokes it.
“I would write him letters”, Anne says. “Billy, I mean. He never replied, so I assumed Neil never gave them to him. Or that he was angry with me, which I understood. So, I... well, eventually I stopped sending letters. And instead I started writing little messages in my Author’s Dedications. I didn’t know if he read them, but I could hope, you know? Or maybe I’d bring some comfort to some other lonely child, at least. But I kept Neil’s surname. I wanted it to be easier for Billy to find me again, should he ever want to.”
Susan nods. She’s starting to hate Neil more and more. He really did manage to break them. She leans back, and drinks up the last of her milkshake. She looks thoughtfully at Anne.
“Are you any good at gardening?”
“I love it”, she answers, looking a little confused.
Susan nods again, although more to herself this time. “Why don’t you stay for a bit?” she says. “We’re moving out of the house. I can’t stand it anymore. There’s a cottage, two stories, near the Chief’s cabin. We’re moving there. It needs a little fixing, a new coat of paint. But the garden is a mess, and I’m not very good at it. So why don’t you stay and help me? I think it might be good for Billy to have you here. Don’t leave him again so soon. And we also need to discuss custody, but I think he should have a say in it. And you two need to get to know each other again. You’re both different people now. More mature.”
“I- Thank you, Susan. I would like that very much.”
—
Susan stops by the cottage, before going home to Joyce. She goes over to the box they’d put Max’ books in, and finds the Willa Chastain novels. She finds five novels, and gets to the page with the author’s dedication.
“For my son. Whom I love and lost.” It’s published the same year that Susan started dating Neil.
“For my son. I think you’ll like this one.” reads the one from the year Billy turned thirteen.
“For my son. You’re about to start high school! I hope you’ll have fun. But remember to be kind, and to study hard!”
Then there’s one when he’s fifteen. “For my son. I hope you still read.”
And lastly, one published last year. “For my son. Happy birthday, sunshine.” Susan checks the publication date. It was published on Billy’s sixteenth birthday.
Susan sits there, in her almost empty new home, surrounded by bags and boxes, and she holds her belly, curses Neil Hargrove for all he’s done to them, and cries.
—
When his mum first left, Neil made it Billy’s responsibility to do the laundry, and that first time he was to wash his parents sheets, Billy took the pillow his mum had slept on for as long as Billy could remember, and he hugged it tight because it still smelled like her, it still had the scent of her perfume clinging to it. He didn’t wash that pillow. He took it, and he hid it in his wardrobe, because Neil was throwing out everything of his mum that she hadn’t taken with her, and the first time Neil hit him Billy ran to his room and climbed into his closet and held that pillow tight to his chest and pretended it was his mum.
Neil found it, almost a year later, and he screamed at Billy about it and hit him worse than ever before, and then he made Billy wash it while he looked on. But the smell had gone out of the fabric, anyway.
Now it hits him, again. A decade since he smelt it last, and yet he recognises it instantly. His eyes haven’t even opened yet, but he knows she’s here. She hasn’t changed her perfume in ten years.
“Mum.” He opens his eyes and lets them dart around the room, looking for her.
Susan’s closest, in a chair by his bed, then there’s Steve leaning against the wall behind her, and then standing with her arms around herself in front of the window by the far wall is his mum. Billy recognises her instantly. She’s aged, but not much, and she still looks like his mother.
She’s dressed in a flowing sundress, and heels that he can hear clicking on the floor as she goes up to the bed and sits down on his other side. “Hi, sunshine”, she says, and she sounds exactly like she does in his memories. She smiles, an unsure small smile. “Your hair’s so much longer now. So much like mine.”
Billy did grow his hair out to match her. It’s been so long since they saw each other last, and yet Billy feels like she knows him better than anyone. Her hair’s longer than he remembers, and she looks... healthier. Her eyes are the same, but happier. There’s no half healed bruises on her skin. Those are all on Billy now.
And with that thought comes a sudden surge of heat, but it’s not really anger. It’s betrayal.
“ Why are you here? ”
Anne breaks eye contact and looks down at her hands in her lap. “I’m so sorry, Billy. I didn’t... I didn’t think he would hurt you.”
Billy believes her. He believes her, because neither did he. Neil never laid any hands on him while Anne was there.
“I... I was hoping I’d get to see you again. But I... I didn’t want it to be like this. I knew Neil hated me, but I didn’t think he...” She sighs. “When the Chief called me, I knew I had to come. I had to apologise.”
Billy can’t look at her. She’s like a ghost. Or a wish.
“You never tried to contact me.”
“I did.” Out of the corner of his eye, Billy can see her raise her head to look at him. “I sent you letters. But you never replied so I assumed you were angry with me, or that Neil never even gave them to you in the first place. I guess it must have been the second one.”
Billy remembers that while his dad started giving him more responsibilities when Anne left, he never let him get the mail. Once, when Billy got it after school, he even hit him for it. Now he thinks he knows the reason.
“Why... why did you leave me? Why didn’t you take me with you?” It’s something he’s been asking himself ever since that day when he realised she wasn’t coming back.
“I... I met someone. A woman. I fell in love with her, and I didn’t think I’d get to keep you if I tried to fight Neil over custody, and... I’m so ashamed to say it, but I thought I would change you, make you... make you like us... if I took you.” She looks at Steve then, who grimaces, and Billy realises he must already know all this. And his mum knows about the two of them. It’s fine that she does, because she is like them. For a second, a tiny part of Billy, a part that sounds too much like his father, tries to blame her, her genes, for the way he feels, but fuck, Billy knows it doesn’t work like that. He’d be queer no matter what his mum’s like.
But hell, if this isn’t the funniest shit Billy’s ever heard. He starts laughing, hysterically, and he can see Susan and Steve exchange glances, can tell they all think he’s acting fucking insane, and then the laughter turns into sobs, and he pulls his knees up and puts the arm not in a cast around them.
He feels a hand on his arm, above the cast, and looks up to meet his mum’s eyes. She doesn’t look at him like he’s crazy. She looks sad, and understanding. Her hand is warm, soft. Kind.
“Can I... can I hug you?”
Billy nods, quickly, because this is exactly what he’s been hoping for years for. He thinks of the pillow he’d hug, as Anne stands up and sits down beside him on the bed, putting her arms around him and pulling him to rest against her chest, as her perfume ends up everywhere around him, and thinks that this is much better than clutching that pillow.
He hears the door open, hears Susan stand up from the chair she’d been occupying, and he guesses it’s only him and his mum left in the room.
Anne reaches up with one hand and starts stroking his hair and Billy cries harder. It takes him back to when he was a little kid and would get hurt playing outside, and his mum would take him in and hold him close and stroke his hair.
Anne stops, for a second, and for some reason it makes him think of Susan.
“Don’t stop”, he whispers. “Please. Don’t... don’t leave me again. Don’t leave me, mum, please, don’t leave me.” Billy feels his cheeks heat up. He sounds like a child.
Anne only holds him tighter. Billy’s pretty sure she’s also crying. His hair is getting damp. “I won’t, sunshine. I promise, I will never leave you again, not unless you ask me to.”
—
Billy wakes up alone in bed.
“Mum?!” he starts and props himself up on one arm.
“Hey!” Steve says and reaches out to take his hand in his. “Relax. She had to go to the bathroom. She really didn’t want to, though, you could see it on her face.”
He relaxes back into the bed, his hand still held in Steve’s.
Steve smiles gently at him. “How you feeling?”
“Confused”, Billy says with a sigh. “Happy. Sad. Angry? Relieved.” He turns to look at Steve. “For so long, I’ve been wondering why she left me. I felt... abandoned. But she... she didn’t know. And dad, he... he kept her from me. I just... I don’t know how to feel. I still love her. You know I do. And she... she still loves me, Steve. She loves me.”
Steve nods, kisses Billy’s knuckles. “She does. I’m happy for you. But if... if it ever gets too much, then you can come over to me. Anytime.”
“Thank you.”
“Susan’s got you guys a new place. She’s asked your mum to help her fix it up, and she asked her to stay there with you, for a while. So you can decide what you want to do.”
It hits Billy that if he decides to stay with his mum, then that means moving in with her. Moving away from Steve. And Max.
He props himself up again. “Steve, I-“
Steve holds up his other hand. “It’s okay. I don’t want you to leave, but... we have phones. And maybe I can find some place that’ll accept me in New York. You can still be with me, Billy. Don’t worry about that.”
Billy lets out a breath. He hasn’t done anything to deserve Steve, and yet, he still has him. “I don’t want to leave”, he whispers.
“You won’t have to decide yet. Anne’s going to be staying with you, so you can see how you like living with her. But it’ll be okay, whatever you choose.”
He believes him. His mum is back, and right now, he’s still got both Steve, and Max, and Susan. He’ll be okay.