Work Text:
I remember when we used to sing
And go dance outside in the pouring rain
We lived like we would never wake up
From a dream that we shared, just the two of us
Ben was lost in thought when the stage manager knocked at his door: “We’re ready for you Sir, 5 minutes call until show time”.
“Thanks” Ben replied, shaking his head, as if that could help him focus on the few hours ahead of him and distract him from the grim train of thought he had been engaged in just now. The truth was, he was glad they would be done after this show; being on tour had been exhausting, adding to his already depleted energy from the last year.
He should have been happy: his band, the Knights of Ren, had released their new album, ‘Songs for my love’ a couple of months ago and had been touring the country for the last few weeks, selling out every night, getting raving reviews online and getting more interest than ever in their career. The guys were having fun on stage, and him too, to a certain extent he guessed, though some songs hit differently for him and made his heart sink lower every time he had to perform them. Processing life trauma through songwriting was all well and good until you had to rehash it on stage every time, what had he been thinking???
He sighed, looked himself over in the mirror quickly and got out of the room, going to meet his bandmates.
♬♪♫
But now we're tied up, bad luck,
Never gonna make our minds up
Worn out and restless
Oh, I wish that we could escape
Things had started going south with Rey a little over a year ago. Small fights at first, about random things, which had then grown into more serious arguments, and before he knew it he was spending the night in the recording studio more often than not. Still now, Ben couldn’t pinpoint the moment it had all gone wrong, oh so so wrong. They had been so in love, the first few years of their marriage the happiest he had ever been. How did they end up here?
So Ben had dealt with this the only way he knew how: by putting words on the paper and notes in the sheet. Apparently he had had a lot to process because he had made an entire album out of it. And it really spoke to people, if the reviews they were getting were any indication. The only opinion that mattered to him though had never come, Rey refusing to breach the subject with him, not that they had many occasions to talk anymore to be honest. More than her indifference, it hurt not to be able to discuss his music with her like they used to, and to feel like he was the only one to feel this pain. Rey had never been one to outwardly express her feelings but to not be the recipient of her small acts of love was excruciatingly worse than Ben could have ever imagined.
He had been glad to get the excuse of the tour to get away for a while, even if now he wasn’t sure it had really worked out for him. He was feeling more lost than ever, not sure what was going to happen when he came home the next day, not having heard from Rey since he had left. What did you do when your soulmate had drifted away from you? When you didn’t know how to mend the bridge between you anymore? Was it even fixable? Did he want to fix things?
The anguish had kept him up more nights than he cared to admit, slowly eating at him, leaving him feeling helpless and so sad. Fortunately, he found a way to channel these emotions into his music, letting it all out onto the stage, allowing him to pass for a semi-functional human being the rest of the day.
♬♪♫
We could escape
And I'd give anything to hear you tell me
It's not too late
From the outside, one could think that Ben was really getting into the song, his eyes closed as he swayed with the music. But he had actually retreated inside of himself, to the place where he had found shelter every time he had had to sing this song, trying to prevent the pain and sadness he felt from splitting him in two, finding a modicum of strength to get through the set, and through life really.
They were on the last chorus now, and soon he was going to have to resurface, to smile for the audience, and pretend to be having the time of his life. As he sang the last sentence, he forced himself to open his eyes and bring his head back up.
And suddenly she was there, in front of the stage, looking at him with her hazel eyes brimming with tears, looking close to unravelling. Was his mind playing tricks on him? He had poured his heart out into this song, in this performance; maybe he was imagining her, the pain still so fresh making him go mad. The fact that he was crying himself could factor into this, his vision not clear as usual. He blinked a couple of times, doing quick work of the tears falling on his cheeks but no, she was still there, standing in front of him, sorrow plain on her face, and something else that he could not quite place.
♬♪♫
Always said that we would make the most
Of what we had and keep it close
Summers come and summers go
The years fly by but the days go so slow, yeah
She had come. She had actually come. She must have been further in the crowd before, or maybe she had just got here, because this was the last song of their set and he hadn’t seen her until now. Oh who cared, she was here now! He almost pinched himself, the reality of the situation slowly settling in.
Thank the stars the song was done when he had come out of his trance, because he didn’t think he could have gone on anymore, his mind spiralling out of control, one word repeating again and again: Rey. Rey, Rey, Rey. His love Rey was here and that was all his brain could focus on.
He needed to get off this stage and talk to her soon or he would die. He needed to hold her close, to kiss her, the past few months quickly vanishing in his mind, what had they been fighting about again? He hoped she would let him hold her, if not he would pass away for sure.
Still, he reminded himself that he was still on stage and needed to go through the motions with the band, closing their last night on stage, bowing to thunderous applause. Later maybe, he would bask in the after show glow, but right now he wanted nothing more than to get out of here and back to his room, with her, god willing.
♬♪♫
Dreaming, scheming
Always believing
So right now this is my wish
That we could escape
The guys must have noticed Rey because he could feel their gaze on him as they were bowing to the crowd and exiting the stage, but they did not say a word, somehow feeling that Ben was walking on a tightrope at the moment and that the slightest push might send him careening into the abyss. In a daze, he made it back to his room backstage and there she was, having somehow managed to slip past security, sitting in the chair in front of the mirror.
His breath caught as he stopped in the doorway, not sure how to proceed. She looked up at him in the reflection and he was suddenly hyper aware of her perfume in the air, of her hot stare, and he felt at a loss for words once again.
How did you greet someone you hadn’t talked to in weeks? He should get in and close the door but he was rooted to the spot, conflicting emotions raging inside of him. She did not move either, her jaw set and eyes intense on him, still as a statue. Finally, he found the strength to move just as she was turning in the seat and opening her mouth to speak.
“What are you doing here?” he blurted out, cutting her short before she got a word out. God he was nervous, you’d think he was back in college trying to ask her out or something. Frowning at first, she replied “I’m not sure to be honest.” She paused, then continued “I heard your song on the radio this morning and, I don’t know, I felt like I had to be here tonight”.
She looked at him expectantly, worrying at her lip in that way that drove him absolutely crazy. At that, he froze because he couldn’t recall the last time he had even been in that state of mind, but now was not the time to ponder; he needed to say something, anything, and quickly.
♬♪♫
And I'd give anything to hear you tell me
It's not too late
He cleared his throat, taking one step closer, tentatively, like he was approaching a wild animal, which he supposed was not too far off from the truth after all. “I um… I’m glad you’re here.” He started. “I hadn’t realized until now how much I missed you, if I’m being honest…” he trailed, feeling like his world depended on what he would say next.
Reaching her chair, he made a decision and got the words out before he could think better of it. “Rey, what are we doing here? Why are we fighting? I’ve been racking my brain the last few weeks and I can’t for the life of me remember how this all started? I can’t believe I’ve let this get this far, I should have gone to you weeks ago, I just didn’t know how, you seemed so far from me and I was too much of a coward to take the first step back to you…” Oh dear, he could feel the tears coming back, what a mess.
Rey didn’t seem to be doing much better, her eyes filled with unshed tears once more, her face slowly crumbling in front of him. “Sweetheart, why are you crying? Talk to me, please.” Ben asked, lowering himself to the floor to be closer to her. He wanted to reach out and take her hand but didn’t want to scare her off, deciding instead to clench his fists in his lap.
“Ben, you know I’m not good with words, and maybe that’s part of the problem here, but… for you I want to try. For us.” She looked up to him and pressed on, “You know I think you are amazing right? And that I’m so proud of you, of what you’ve created? I should have told you long ago, I know I’m not good at expressing my love but I really do; love you that is.”
Ben was speechless for a moment. This was the most affectionate declaration she had ever made to him and he was temporarily mute, surprise evident on his face.
Rey scrambled to talk: “I know I should have told you sooner and I’m sorry, I’ll do better in the future” she caught her breath and pressed on. “That’s why I’m here actually, I heard your song on the radio this morning and realized that I had not told you all of this and I felt stupid for it. I had to come fix it…”
♬♪♫
Ten years go by and everything's changed
Oh, we're different people but we got the same names
So you call it out just like you did
All the time ago when we were just kids
singing
Oh (We could escape)
Oh (We could escape)
Oh, and I'd give anything to hear you tell me
At this, Ben rose and took her face into his hands, looking into her beautiful eyes while he took over: “Rey, you have no idea how much this means to me; that you are here, to hear you say these things… I felt you so withdrawn from me recently that I had no idea how to reach out again, I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore and it was killing me baby.”
Rey blushed, pressing her cheek into his palm before admitting: “I was so anxious Ben… While I was so happy for you and that you were getting the recognition that you deserve, I was scared you would not have time for me anymore, with all the shows and interviews and everything… It is no excuse but I guess my abandonment issues came back running, and instead of telling you about it like an adult I shut down…”
“Oh my god, and of course what did I do? Left you all alone and went on tour for weeks on end, without even discussing it with you first… I’m so sorry Rey, hadn’t realized, I’m such an idiot!” Ben said before straightening up, tearing at his hair in frustration. He had been throwing himself a pity party all this time, while never stopping to consider how it might have affected her, a fine husband he was!
“One thing hasn’t changed then…” Rey quipped. “What’s that?” He asked, turning back to face her, curious at her change of tone. “We still have one shared brain cell apparently” she giggled, and oh how he had missed that sweet sound. Music to his ears, and he made it for a living so he should know!
Her face had softened and he couldn’t resist anymore, going towards her and tilting her face to catch her lips in a soft kiss. It was like the sun had come out again after a big storm, blinding him, his chest ready to explode from the emotional rollercoaster of the last five minutes. Why they had stopped kissing each other he couldn’t remember, it all seemed so silly now…
“I guess we do.” He smiled against her lips, eyes closed to savour the moment. Pulling back, he opened his arms, hoping she would accept his peace offering. Turns out, she was more than willing to, almost jumping out of the chair to burrow into his chest, her head coming to rest in the crook of his shoulder, just below his chin. There was one thing he knew for sure, and that was that Rey belonged into his arms. There had never been anything more right in the world than what was happening right now. He released a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, pulling her closer, engulfing her into his embrace. “My love” he murmured into her hair, feeling her relax into his warmth, such a small and precious thing. “I’m so glad you came, I’ll never let you go again I promise, we can work on this, together.”
The look she gave him then made him forget all the heartbreak that had come before, leaving him only with pure love for his wife, and hope for what was coming next.
♬♪♫
And I'd give anything to hear you tell me
It's not too late
As they got into bed later that night, having gone back to the hotel room for some much needed make up sex, Ben marvelled at how different life could get in the span of a few hours. He had gotten up in the morning feeling hopeless and like his world was crumbling in, and look at him now, cuddling with his wife, emotionally exhausted but happy, oh so happy. He thanked his lucky stars and every god and goddess he could think of for this lucky break, for a second chance at building a better relationship with Rey. And to think he thought he had lost her forever… relief was not strong enough to express what he had felt when she had opened her heart to him.
He vowed he would not fail her again and strive every day to love her like she deserved to be loved, honouring her strength and bravery. If she could make the first step and risk being vulnerable with him like she had earlier, despite all the burdens and ghosts of the past on her shoulders, surely he could step up and offer her the same courtesy. He’ll be worthy of her if that was the last thing he ever did, he silently promised her, sealing it off with a tender kiss on her forehead.
Of course everything was not going to go back to normal overnight, if ‘normal’ was even a thing anymore, but he felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, and that he could breathe easier than he had in months. As he closed his eyes, drifting to sleep, he knew that all would be right, as long as they were together.