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Kaz no longer wore his gloves. He had no use for them. The gloves had been his prison, both physically and mentally, for the past years. But now, he had broken free. He was able to feel the softness of her skin without the thick leather between them. He was able to feel the texture of her thick hair without something holding him back. They had made so much progress, and for that, he was eternally grateful. Grateful whatever saint or god or whatever the hell allowed him to be beside her and be unafraid. It had all been worth it, even when he'd felt so hopeless. But Inej had pulled him through, had convinced him. She was his reason.
Now, as he laid beside her on his bed, he was reminded of a time when he wouldn't dare let anyone this close. He still struggled with anyone other than Inej, but he was more open. Jesper was welcome to put his arm around Kaz's shoulders or shake his hand, and Wylan had touched his bare hands as he taught Kaz a song on the piano. It filled his heart with pride. It was strange, feeling proud of something he'd felt shame in for so long. But now he knew the future was unpredictable, yet it was more promising than ever. He no longer shied away from the idea of touching Inej the way he'd always dreamt, he longed for it. He was hungry now, hungry for the love he'd been deprived all his life. And when she looked at him like that, with so much kindness and love in those gentle brown pools, he wanted nothing more than to have her in his arms, in his lap, underneath him. They had kissed several times. Mostly kisses on cheeks or noses or foreheads, but kisses on the lips, too. Those were his favorite. He'd never understood why people long to be kissed, but that was before he had met Inej. When her soft lips brushed his, he felt as though he were floating on air. She made him feel invincible. Whenever he desired the feeling, he'd simply look at her and tap his lips, a silent request. Sometimes she would comply, and sometimes she wouldn't. It was always her choice, and he understood whole heartedly.
Inej's ocean voyages were longly times for Kaz. As the years passed, they had grown shorter, but no matter how long she was away he would long for her. She would send letters when she was able to, as well as small trinkets. He'd frowned when she sent him a hat decorated in bright colored feathers. But he would always be waiting for her at the docks when she returned, and he waves good bye as she sailed back into the vast sea. He would hardly sleep those first few days, his minding racing to if Inej was safe, if she was hurt and he couldn't be there for her. But his fears were always soothed when she bounded off her ship after docking, a smile as bright as the sun plastered to her face. Every time she came back just a lovely as before, although she did have a few new scars. He'd grow worried as he ran gentle fingers over the scars, but she would simply smile and reassure him that everything was fine.
His eyes scanned the scar on her forearm. Inej laid on her stomach, book rested against her pillow, eyes scanning the page intently. He smiled, eyes turning back to his own book.
"Why are you smiling?" Inej said suddenly, her voice soft and teasing. He adored that voice.
He closed his book and laid it on his lap. "Nothing. Is that book interesting?"
Inej looked back at the book. "Yes. But why are you smiling?"
"Curiosity killed the cat, Wraith."
"Hm. Is that so?" She closed the book and sat up. Her eyes were like stars, and Kaz was captivated by them. She stared back, her lips curved into a gentle smile, and reached for his hand. He took her little hand in his, marveling every curve and callous. He was drawn to her, like a moth to a flame, and he never wanted to let go. Without pulling away, he placed his book on his nightstand and turned back to her. Slowly, he brought his forefinger to his lips and tapped. Inej squeezed his fingers with her own, leaned in, and placed her lips to his. A wildfire erupted in his heart. Her lips were petals of a rose, so soft and delicate. Her fingers lifted to his neck, curling into his hair. He cherished the little sigh that escaped her lips as his lips moved against hers. His hand began to drift onto her back, caressing her through the thin fabric of one of his shirts. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't peaked at the lovely bronze skin the shirt exposed. His hand cupped the small of her back, bringing her closer, as his other hand stroked her thigh. His actions brought goosebumps to her skin. He grew braver, dragging his hand up to rest on the curve of her hip. Her fingers tightened on his nightshirt, drawing him to her. He was more than happy to comply. Slowly, he tilted towards her, silently encouraging her to lay back. She did, her head resting against the pillow, yet their lips never separated. Before he could realize what he was doing, he was between her legs, his hands holding her waist as his tongue danced with hers.
"Kaz." Inej murmured suddenly. He drew back.
"Is this too--"
"No." She shook her head. "No. I just... I... Do you want to?"
His heart pounded. "What?"
She wouldn't look at him. "Try?"
He blinked. What she was suggesting... "Are you sure?"
"Yes. Are you?"
"Whatever you want, Inej."
She reached forward again, capturing his lips. He groaned, lowering himself closer to her body. It was everything he'd wanted. She was here, in his arms, and they loved each other. And he wasn't expecting their kiss to lead to that, but he wanted. And want could be stronger than need.
He caressed the skin of her thighs, loving the softness. She was gasping against his mouth, and he pressed into her, tasting her. She was grabbing his hair, pulling, demanding more, more. His hands slid up her thigh, touching the bottom of the shirt, lifting up. Her body began to tremble. Like a fool, he thought it was because of passion. The shirt lifted with his hands as he touched her hips. Her lips stopped against his. Her head twisted to the side, and she shoved with all her might. Kaz, limp with shock, landing on the bed beside her. He stared at the ceiling for a second, wondering how something so perfect went wrong. Then he turned to her, and his entire being broke.
She'd begun to cry. Silently, as if not to disturb the person in the bed with her. She was trembling, her eyes open and unseeing. Her lovely skin was shiny with sweat.
"Inej." Kaz pleaded. "Look at me, please. It's just Kaz. Your Kaz."
He leaned towards her, taking her face in his hands. For a moment, she flinched, but finally she could see who was before him. Her eyes softened and he brushed away her tears, not allowing them to stay. He was there to help her, no matter what. At times, he almost forgot the extend of her pain. It was difficult to think of her this way. The only way he wanted to imagine her was happy, smiling that beautiful smile and laughing that amazing laugh. But this was Inej, too; the pain, hidden beneath her skin and bones. Never again would she have to endure the pain alone. He gathered her into his arms, murmuring soft apologies and encouragements. His hands rubbed soft circles into her back, reminding her that it was only him. He'd never hurt her. He'd rather die. Then, as the night drew on, she managed to lull herself to sleep. He held her, never letting go. The monsters would not come for her. Never again. He would protect his girl from the demons of her own mind, although it might take time. Kaz didn't care. Inej had helped him for years, and he would do the same. He would do anything if it meant she'd be happy.