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The Toy Soldier was the first to find out Nastya would be leaving. It was kind of an accident, to be fair. Things had been tense between Nastya and the Aurora for a while, and while everyone had been advised to just "wait it out," this didn't seem like it was going to just blow over, as Ashes had suggested.
It started with Jonny heading out for the day. The Toy Soldier didn't really feel up to entertaining itself while it waited for Jonny to come back, so it headed down to the engine room to work with Nastya. Nastya was its second-favorite person to be around, and she always seemed to have something it could help with, so it had assumed spending the day with her would be a good idea. That changed when Nastya let slip she was planning on leaving soon.
"How long will you be gone for? Can I come?" The Toy Soldier asked cheerfully.
"It is not a trip you can come on. When I leave, I am not coming back," Nastya muttered bitterly.
The Toy Soldier couldn't quite wrap its mind around that. In all its days with the other Mechanisms, no one had ever left for good – excepting Carmilla, but that was because she was forced off.
"What do you mean? Is it a long trip? If you're going somewhere far off, wouldn't it be easier to travel with us? Aurora goes way faster than you could by yourself. I don't even think you could get anywhere without the ship..."
"I think I need some time away from the Aurora. We are... not as good with each other as we used to be."
"How much time? I know you two had a big row, but Ashes says if you wait it out, it'll blow right over!" The Toy Soldier gave a strained smile.
"This is not going to 'blow over.' I don't think we're going to get back on good terms with each other. And I also don't think we can be in the same place together anymore."
"You're not talking sense, old chap. Afraid you've got the wrong idea here! Nobody just leaves and doesn't come back. That won't fix anything."
"There is nothing to fix. Aurora and I have outgrown each other. Staying together will only make things harder on everyone. Besides, this crew needs Aurora more than you need me. If it is going to be between the two of us, it's clear who has to go."
"But– But everything can be fixed! We get fixed all the time after we kill each other!" The Toy Soldier felt like it was grasping at straws now, but the idea of Nastya leaving for good felt like quite a bit more than it knew how to handle. "You just can't fix a problem if you only run away from it."
"Is that what you think this is?" Nastya snapped. "You think I'm running away like– like some kind of coward?"
"N-No, Miss Nastya, that's not what I–"
"No, no! You think you can fix everything with tea and chipper platitudes! You're like a fucking five-year-old! You think everything will always go your way if you pester someone about it long enough. Maybe it's time you had a reality check, because I'm not really in the mood to baby you while I'm dealing with real people problems!"
The Toy Soldier wasn't sure at what point Nastya had started shouting, but it found itself matching her volume as it desperately tried to get a handle on the situation. "That isn't what I'm saying at all! I'm not a child, and you don't have to treat me like one! I just don't think abandoning everyone who cares about you is going to fix things for you and the Aurora!"
"I told you, there's nothing to fix! She is not the same ship I fell in love with, and the wedge that's driving between us is too big to just ignore it! The longer I stick around, the longer we keep fighting, the more problems that causes for the crew! Maybe you're not a child; I'm sure any real five-year-old would have no trouble understanding me right now!"
"I understand what you're saying just fine! It's just that everything you've said so far is, quite frankly, ridiculous!"
"You know what, it doesn't matter! You're not like the rest of us, of course you don't understand!"
"What's that supposed to mean?!" The Toy Soldier felt its heart hammering in its chest. It knew what was going to come next. That didn't make it any easier to hear.
"What does it matter, you're not even a real person! You are not like us! You don't feel like we do, you can't! Of course you don't understand why I have to leave, you're just the broken toy we never figured out how to get rid of." Every word drips with venom and the deadly edge in Nastya's tone leaves almost no room for argument.
"You– You don't mean that," the Toy Soldier said quietly, a tinge of desperation evident in its voice.
"I do."
Most fights between fellow Mechanisms end in one of them murdering the other to get some space. This one didn't, but as the Toy Soldier ran off to its room, it wished otherwise. Killing me for a bit would have hurt less, it thought.
The Toy Soldier had no idea how long it'd been back in its room, trying (and failing) to stop crying, but eventually Jonny came in to see it. He'd long since stopped knocking before coming in, and the Toy Soldier was startled to suddenly hear his voice from the door.
"What's going on? You weren't waiting for me today. Went around looking for you and ran into Nastya. Seemed bloody well pissed to me, but what's new." He paused a moment, then, sounding concerned, "Are you crying?"
The Toy Soldier scrubbed frantically at its face with its coat sleeves, trying to wipe all the tears away before Jonny could get up close. It had always hated crying in front of others, but it especially didn't want Jonny to see it like this. For not the first time today, it wished it weren't able to feel this depth of sadness, or at least that it wasn't able to cry about it.
Jonny sat down on the bed next to the Toy Soldier and slid an arm around its shoulders, pulling it against him. "Hey, what's wrong now? Who did this to you?" There was an edge to his voice, an unspoken if I find them, I'll kill them that normally would've made the Toy Soldier laugh. Right now, though, it wasn't much in the laughing mood. It continued its efforts to wipe all the tears away. Somehow, it had managed to start crying more now that Jonny was here, and that just wasn't going to do.
It didn't answer for a long time. At some point, Jonny had pulled the Toy Soldier into his lap, holding it against his chest. It cried into Jonny's shirt for some time, while Jonny just stroked its hair and held it. Eventually, the Toy Soldier felt like it had cried itself out. It took a deep breath to steady itself and, by way of answering Jonny's earlier question, posed one of its own.
"What do you think makes someone a real person?" it asked quietly. Jonny simply gave it a confused look, so it continued. "Is it what you're made of physically? Is it being flesh and blood and bones and all those kind of gross inside bits? Is it– Is it being capable of experiencing complex emotions? Being able to express them? Being able to see and understand them in others and knowing what to do and how to help fix things when they're broken and–"
Jonny cut in, "What's all this about? You know none of that matters. Hell, if we needed all of that, I don't think a single Mechanism on this ship would count as a 'real person,' whatever that even is anyway. What's gotten into you?" His tone at the end was gentle, it's one he only ever uses with the Toy Soldier (and occasionally with the octokittens, but that's to be expected). When Jonny talks to it like that, it's hard for the Toy Soldier to even want to keep secrets from him. Still, explaining the situation doesn't come easily.
"It feels like no matter what I do, I'm never going to be real. At least, not by any standard set by someone else. Angel fell in love with a girl who was real; she was flesh and blood and all the rest of it. I wasn't real enough for her because I wasn't made of the right bits and pieces. I'm not real to the others because they think I don't feel the same things they do. They think since I'm all wooden, I'm just as hollow in my head as in the rest of me. And Nastya–" The Toy Soldier stopped. It really didn't want to get Nastya in any more trouble than she's already going through, and surely the rest of that was enough to keep Jonny from pressing, right?
Jonny's eyes narrowed. "Nastya? What did she say to you?"
"I– It doesn't matter. It's nothing you need to worry about."
"It does matter to me. What did Nastya say?"
The Toy Soldier couldn't meet Jonny's gaze when it answered. "She said I wasn't a real person like the rest of you. That I can't feel the way you feel. That I, uh– That I'm just a broken toy you've not found a way to get rid of yet." It can feel Jonny tense up.
"I'm going to kill her." He said it simply, as if it's the only logical recourse in this situation. He continued just as matter-of-factly. "I'm going to kill her, and I'm going to wait until she comes back, and then when she does, I am going to kill her again."
The Toy Soldier just sighed. When it spoke next, it sounded tired, as if it'd resigned itself to the idea that no one would ever accept it the way it is. "Don't. It's not going to help. There's something else she said – that some things can't be fixed. I think she might be right. I think... I think this might be one of those things. Besides, she's having a rough enough time as it is. You know she and Aurora are having problems and–"
"That doesn't give her a right to be a wanker, though!" Jonny interrupted. "Just because she feels like shit, it doesn't mean she gets to make anyone else feel that way. Especially not you."
"Either way, killing her won't make things better. All it'll do is start a fight no one will be able to finish. She's leaving anyway, so it doesn't matter. Probably burning bridges before she goes, or whatever."
It's all an act, really. The Toy Soldier loves that Jonny is willing to jump to its defense. It loves that Jonny cares so much, especially when he devotes all that care to it instead of someone better suited for him. Someone real. When it comes down to it, the Toy Soldier feels a lot of things, and it feels them deeply. It sympathizes with Nastya, remembering its own feelings after what happened with the Angel. It understands Nastya's pain on a level Nastya can never know about. No one can. The only person in the entire universe the Toy Soldier feels comfortable sharing the true depths of its feelings with is Jonny. Right now, though, it just wanted everyone to be happy again, regardless of its own feelings. Deflect the questions; deflect anything that could drive a wedge further between the rest of the crew. Protect and serve, that's what toy soldiers are made for, after all.
Unfortunately in that regard, Jonny wasn't going to let his Toy Soldier go on feeling so awful. "You're spacing out on me, love," he said gently, bringing the Toy Soldier back to the present. "Look, I won't confront her if you'd prefer I didn't, and we'll deal with her leaving whenever she gets the balls to actually do it. Right now, let's just focus on you, okay?"
The Toy Soldier laughed nervously. "I'd rather we didn't."
Jonny's voice is soft again. "Hey, T? Look at me." The Toy Soldier slowly tilted its head up, meeting Jonny's gaze. "You're real to me, okay? Nastya – and the rest of the crew, too, for that matter – they don't know you like I do. They don't get to see you like this, open and honest and not busting your ass trying to make everyone else happy over yourself. And you know what? Maybe they don't deserve it. If they can't treat you like one of them the way they think you are now, maybe they haven't earned the right to see you as you really are." He paused a moment, as if what he's going to say next was difficult to get out – and in a lot of ways, it was difficult, for him at least. "Being vulnerable with others... It's a privilege. You trust someone a lot with the deepest and darkest parts of yourself and you hope to whatever god you may or may not even believe in that they won't use it against you."
"You trust me like that," the Toy Soldier interjected.
"Of course I do. I–" Jonny took another pause, flushed red, and the Toy Soldier knew what was coming. "I love you. You know that, though." It wasn't the first time Jonny's told the Toy Soldier he loved it. No matter how many times he says it, and no matter how many times the Toy Soldier says it back, Jonny still goes red every time.
"I know. And I love you, too." The Toy Soldier couldn't help the smile that lit its face when it said that, one of those rare, real smiles only Jonny ever seems to get it to do. It also couldn't help the light, giddy feeling in its chest. It's one the Toy Soldier can only describe as feeling like its heart has grown wings. Jonny tilted the Toy Soldier's face up then, capturing its lips in a kiss that it would later describe as sending its heart soaring.