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Taehyung had been shooting for a designer the whole day and he was fucking tired. All he could think about as he looked the sun go down from the window of the dressing room was that he wanted to go home. He had one last set of clothes he had to get his pictures clicked in and he would be free to go. He relaxed on his chair as the make-up artist touched up his make-up and made him look flawless for the camera waiting to shoot him up and close.
It was tough; being a part-time model who was in transition of making it a full-time commitment. He still visited the museum he used to work at earlier as the visual coordination advisor but the days of shifting around in museum till his heels ached seemed far away. It had only been a few months since his Grandmother had passed away. It had been a harsh winter for him. He was ready to quit his job altogether and just settle back in his hometown. He was sure he could’ve made a decent living and would’ve gladly settled down living with his grandfather.
But it had been his grandmother’s wish that he pursued what he wanted in his life. And when his grandfather told him how proud she was of him working in the museum and pursuing his passion, and that she would’ve wanted him to hold on, Taehyung couldn’t leave everything. Then there was Park Jimin who had been his rock. He knew the older would understand but he couldn’t leave his soulmate to fend off in the harsh city all by himself. So he had come back and resumed his job. Till one day, an opportunity landed in his hand.
He had been settling in his old life, living with Jimin and working his ass off. On one sunny day, he had been assigned to show some representatives from a big entertainment company, their atrium and hall. Apparently they wanted permission to use the place for shooting some stuff. And it was while he had been standing at the corner while others talked, that one of the representatives approached him. He complimented Taehyung’s looks and commented on how he looked so aesthetic and one with the art. Taehyung didn’t know if it was just his appearance or dedication towards art that made the man feel that way, but he graciously accepted the card.
Taehyung knew he was above average looks-wise. He had been called handsome a great number of times, and if it wasn’t for his reserved personality and lack of time, he could’ve been one of the famous faces on his campus. Jungkook had once commented on how many girls from his class had a crush on his mysterious friend. Taehyung had laughed it off along with Jungkook’s proposal of setting the older on blind dates. He was too busy. And stuff like modelling or acting or dating wouldn’t even occur in his priority list. But times had changed and so had Taehyung.
Jimin had supported him, going to the agency with him and hyping him up the whole time. He had been so grateful for the presence of his best friend because if not for him, he would’ve fallen in despair long ago. Taehyung was broken after all that he had to endure. But he refused to acknowledge it. He refused to break down and cry on even his best friend’s shoulders; something he would’ve never thought twice about before. He refused to show his weakness or vulnerabilities, bottling it up inside. He had vowed to be strong, for his family, his siblings, but more for his grandmother so she could be proud of him when she watched him down from heaven.
So he held out, got a short contract from the agency, decided to switch position at his job in the museum so he could manage to do both and earn money. It wasn’t for himself that he earned it for though. Half of his hefty paycheck went in his rent, expenses and to his siblings’ expenses. The rest he would’ve sent home if not for his grandfather’s stern advise on saving up for the future. So he did that. He wouldn’t spend much on himself still and this drove Park Jimin crazy. He was so frustrated seeing his friend going down.
Even if Taehyung acted normal or laughed and made jokes, Jimin knew he didn’t mean it. Those square smiles and shining eyes were replaced by harshness and forced smiles. The softness of Kim Taehyung was eroding rapidly and Jimin didn’t know who to blame more; the harsh world or the cruel fate. Watching his best friend transform in a mere image of what he used to be saddened Jimin so much he would cry at nights. He was very worried but tried to stay strong for Taehyung, waiting to be the shoulder Taehyung would choose to cry on when the time came.
And it wasn’t like Taehyung was clueless to his best friend’s concern. He wasn’t. Taehyung appreciated Jimin and his heart ached when he would find himself unable to open up to the older. He would hate himself for being a bad friend and bringing Jimin down with him. He would feel pathetic for not being able to let all this hurt go. He would’ve loved to be strong and just move on, but at heart, he knew to move on was a feat not easily achieved. And for some reason, Taehyung felt content feeling stuck like that. Somehow that pain had become his every day and though he knew, if he asked, help was just a few words away. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave the comfort the pain and darkness brought him now. They had just become something familiar and he was afraid to change that; afraid to heal.
‘Taehyung-ssi, the shot is ready!’ came a voice and he groaned internally. Time to put on an act and give the photographer what he wanted.
An hour later, Taehyung found himself hailing a cab back home. His hands were filled with bags carrying the clothes he had just modelled for. If there was a perk of being a model; other than good money, it was free goods. Usually, the clothes he would be modelling were altered to his measurements. So it was gifted to him by the company or designers as it would be useless for them otherwise. This was not always the case but happened very often. And he wasn’t complaining in the least. And that’s how he found himself in black jeans, white tee with graphic patchwork on the left side and a leather jacket, hailing a taxi.
Finally getting in the taxi, he felt his phone vibrate. He had forgotten to put it on ringer mode, a habit he had which always led him to hear an earful from Jimin. He pulled out the phone from his pocket and smiled when his eyes saw ‘Minie’ at the place of caller id name.
‘Hello!’ he replied in his deep voice.
‘Taehyung-ah!’ the high pitched voice on the other side sounded whiny and Taehyung smiled.
‘Onh, waegeurae?’ Taehyung asked.
‘Can you come to pick me up. I feel so lightheaded.’ Jimin muttered and Taehyung tensed up, sitting up straighter.
‘Where are you, Jiminah?’
‘At Kookie’s!’ came a feeble reply and Taehyung sighed.
‘I’ll be there in a few minutes. Just got off the job. Stay there, okay?’ Taehyung said telling the driver the new location.
‘Neh! Come soon!’ with that, the phone was cut off. And it was a good thing for Jimin because Taehyung couldn’t see the smirk on his face or the glint in his eyes as his eyes followed the movement of one specific person around the room.
Jimin got up from his seat a few minutes of observation later and headed towards the kitchen, to where Jeon Jungkook was sipping his beer and flirting with two girls. The older passive-aggressively shoved himself between them before dragging the younger male to a corner.
'Hyung!?' Jungkook exclaimed, confused by the abrupt actions of Jimin. Jimin narrowed his eyes at the younger and the latter shut up effectively.
'You still hang out with her?' Jimin said pointing to the one his eyes had been following around ever since his gaze fell on her.
'You are still hung up on her? That must be a big crush you have been harbouring if you are asking about her still.' Jungkook said in amusement and Jimin rolled his eyes. The younger was a brilliant person, a golden child really. Anything you name and Jungkook would be good at it. But it seemed Maths and common sense were still exceptions to that.
'Don't start with me Jungkook. Just tell me what I'm asking you.' Jimin slapped the younger's ass as the latter flinched.
'Ok ok… we've hung out a few times. Been paired up for an assignment or two. Yeah. What do you want? For me to set you up on a blind date with her?' Jungkook mocked and Jimin was sure he was capable of killing the younger. Because at times, a few times, the younger's cockiness crossed the limits of Jimin's patience and tolerance.
'JK.' he said sternly and Jungkook stood upright.
'Fine. I won't joke around. Gosh, you guys are no fun! What do you want from her?' The younger asked, his stance a little more serious than before.
'Is she single?' Jimin asked and Jungkook almost choked on his beer. The younger looked at Jimin incredulously before snorting.
'So you do want me to set you up with her.' he said but Jimin's narrowed eyes made him stop his mocking. 'Ok. I'll not kid you any more. Hyung, she has a boyfriend. I'm sorry.'
'Fuck!'
There were moments in our lives we would like to change, or rather wish hadn't happened. If those were extremely painful moments for oneself, it could be justified still. But more often than not, these moments are when things just go downhill, not necessarily affecting one but everything and everyone around them. And if Jimin were asked to recall these moments when he was old and wrinkly; something he couldn't imagine, he would've said it was this one.
It was this moment that shifted everything, or at the very least, put in motion a train of events that were not necessarily required according to Jimin. But that's life. Because at this moment, he witnessed the girl in question hugging a boy he had never seen before, with a smile on her face before she kissed him. And it was also this moment he saw his best friend who had entered the room earlier and witnessed the same scene like him.
Jimin could feel his own eyes widening at the scene unfolding as the people who did witness it gasped. The rest, well they were either wasted or in a stupor. Jimin saw Jungkook rushing over to the scene but couldn't make himself move. It felt like he was stuck to the ground, that is till his eyes met those of his best friend's.
'Taehyung-ah!' he muttered but it seemed to evaporate in the air as the person in question had disappeared.
Jimin hurried out the room and the apartment, trying to catch his best friend, who was very likely running away. Struggling down the stairs, he finally managed to spot his best friend walking away. Jimin could see the little hunch in Taehyung’s posture and cursed himself. He did not want to make it any worse for the younger but he might have just broken the strand keeping the younger together.
‘Tae! Taehyung-ah!’ he yelled but didn’t seem like his friend was going to stop. Jimin pulled up his strength and ran to catch up to the younger.
‘Taehyungie!’ he said panting as he reached beside the younger who kept walking. Cursing internally, Jimin walked alongside him.
‘Taehyung-ah, listen to me. Jebal!’ he attempted again.
‘I don’t want to talk right now Jimin. Let’s just get home.’ the younger said in a very calm and collected tone. If one would see him, they would not be worried or afraid because nothing of sorts would make sense. But Jimin was feeling both; worried and afraid. Worried for he was receiving the silent treatment and by the looks of it, he’ll be getting the same for a few days now. Worried, because he felt the younger had officially snapped.
Communication is a very integral part of any relationship. And Park Jimin was proud that over the years, the bond between him and Kim Taehyung had built to a point where communication came first and easily. Though things get patchy in between where they wouldn’t talk or be sensitive for some time. But never too long. And it’s not like they would always talk. There had been days where they would talk bare minimum or not at all for days. But it was always accompanied by comfortable silence; that was how they communicated at times.
But then there were times they would get mad at each other. Those times were the toughest;, especially for Jimin. For he couldn’t go without talking to the younger for more than 2-3 days. Though that wasn’t the case for Kim Taehyung and Jimin knew this. Taehyung was a very different person, to put it in simple words. Earlier, in their school days, Jimin could predict what Taehyung would do or react with almost 95% success rate. But that has changed over the years. Taehyung had changed far more than Jimin had, and though their bond has only strengthened, Jimin could no longer see through his best friend with absolute ease.
Taehyung had been uninhibited; a free spirit. So he would talk a lot, not making absolute sense at all times but you’ll know what meant what if you stayed with him as Jimin did. But over the years, as Taehyung had matured, his introverted part had taken over more naturally but substantially. Earlier they would talk for hours on end, but gradually, it was Jimin who talked more. It wasn’t that Taehyung didn’t share stuff with him anymore, he just had gotten a lot quieter after his grandmother’s death. Some would take it as him just becoming more mature, and maybe they could be half-way correct, but it wasn’t the whole thing.
The walk home was short and as soon as they walked in, Taehyung strode over to his room. Jimin sighed as he slumped down on the couch. He felt conflicted. He was angry at Jungkook for dodging around too long but at himself too. He was angry at the scene that had unfolded but more at the timing of it. He was angry at Taehyung because he wasn’t talking and bottling up stuff inside. In truth, Jimin was more sad than angry through. Sad that his plans didn’t work out, that his friend was hurt because of his short-sightedness and also because Taehyung wouldn’t share his pain. Not to mention his job that had been draining him, but that wasn’t the biggest of his concerns.
Taehyung walked out a few minutes later, dressed the same as he was. Jimin looked up at him and wanted to say something before he was interrupted by the younger.
‘Jimin-ah! I’m not angry at you or anything. I just need some time to think.’ he said and Jimin stood up, taking the younger’s hands in his.
‘Think about what?’
‘Nothing… Everything… I don’t know. I just feel overwhelmed and so messed up in my head. I’m sorry for worrying you.’ Taehyung said lowering his gaze. Jimin pulled the younger in a soft hug, holding him.
‘Gwenchanha… I’m always there you know. Don’t bottle it up inside, ok?’ Taehyung nodded at the older’s words.
And with that Taehyung took off. He didn’t really have a place in mind and just let his feet drag him around. After a while, he found himself in a park. It was dark now, but the park was lit with bright yellow and white light making it look beautiful. He kept walking, looking at the people, the scenery and the sky. There were many couples taking a walk around the park, and for some reason, he felt his eyes drifting to them. It’s ironical really, how you see couples when you feel single. Or maybe it’s just you are more aware of things that are lacking in your life.
He sighed internally, trying to calm down the whirlwind of emotion inside of him. He wasn’t even sure what he was even feeling. If someone asked him, he would say ‘I don’t know either’. He felt a dull ache in his heart and by moment, it was only growing. He didn’t know if it was all the hurt he had bottled up that was overflowing. Or was it that the cracks had finally started bleeding. He felt weird and unsure, not knowing what he felt inside. He knew he didn’t look or behave like he was a sorted and calculative person most of the times, but he actually was a deep thinker. He just had his own unique way of sorting things which many wouldn’t really understand.
He sat down on one of the benches and put his head in his hands. His head seemed to be spinning and wondering about the heartache only made it worse. He wondered only if he could numb the pain, maybe he’ll get some reprieve, something, even if just for a moment. He bitterly laughed at his own predicament, feeling pathetic at his own self for being so confused about his own feelings, feeling scattered and lost. And if his internal storm wasn’t enough to make him gloomy, the rain suddenly started pouring out. He briefly looked up at the sky, feeling the raindrops falling on his face. He laughed at the irony of it all.
His thoughts went back to his grandmother; how she used to scold him when he would run out to enjoy the rain in his childhood. She would keep muttering how Taehyung was going to get sick and what she’d do if that happened while patting him dry head to toe and making him some warm soup. He smiled as the memory washed over him along with the rain.
He also thought about Jimin, his best friend, soulmate and so much more. The days where they would go on the rooftop of their hostel when it started to rain and play around. They would play football while it poured, only to cuddle in thick blankets later in the night, downing a shot of soju to warm them up. How they would laugh talking of any to everything while watching a movie on Jimin’s laptop bent sideways so they could lie down and watch the movie simultaneously. Also the one time he had come back home to find Jimin huddled up waiting for him in their apartment. Apparently he had been scared shitless by the storm raging outside and worried sick because Taehyung wasn’t home yet.
He chuckled bitterly as tears prickled the corners of his eyes. And soon, he felt something warm rolling down his cheeks and mixing up with the cold droplets showering him. At least the rain had something which he could give it credit for, tears didn’t show in rain. So many memories attached to it and yet this is what amused Taehyung the most at the moment. Though as he looked straight, he felt the sarcastic smile on his lips disappear. Rain could hide tears, they couldn’t mute out the sobs. It could haze your vision, but not enough to not see the wrecking of a body.
It is ironical really, how when we want something desperately, it seems so out of reach. But when we are not even thinking about it, or wishing it wouldn’t come, it creeps up on you. Taehyung had thought going numb would help him with the pain. But as he saw the girl breaking down under the same tree he had seen her smile, he wished he could feel anything but numb. He wished he could move a muscle, could muster up enough courage and march up to her, hug her and take all her pain away. Yet he sat on the bench, as the rain poured, drenching his body, as the scene in front of his eyes wrecked him inside.
The day flashed out in his mind, so clear as if it was yesterday and not months back. She was sitting there reading a book as a smile played on her lips, as he looked at her from his camera lens. She didn’t feel real somehow but he knew he wasn’t dreaming. An intense feeling had erupted in his veins, overpowering his senses. If only he had moved forward, introduced himself and talked to her instead of staring. If only he had moved towards her then, it wouldn’t be difficult to do the same today. He wouldn’t be sitting paralysed seeing her cry out loud. He would be there comforting her, keeping her safe in her arms.
Of course one could blame the rainy day for hammering the last nail in his painful day. Though while we are at it, it wouldn’t be wrong to say the rain helped him realise what he had been losing on his life. He was being so warped up in his pain, in his memories, trying to be mature and dealing with it all alone, that it had rendered him motionless. He was stuck in a life he was just leading and not living, in a loop of pain and hurt; a dark place which had become too familiar and comfortable to leave. He was ignoring the people who have always been there, who were trying to help. He was losing out on the girl he fell in love with that sunny day. He was losing out on it all and it just struck him like a lightning.
Because his life, his happiness, he himself was there, out of this dark sad place he had confined himself in. All of it was just there, a touch away, and yet he wasn’t able to get ahold of it with him letting the darkness and numbness taking over. And it wasn’t even just the death of his grandmother that pushed him down the dearth; it had been the final push for him to lock himself away. As he thought of her, he remembered how she would smile at him and not just because he was her grandchild; it was because of the life vibrating in him, through him. It was because he was the embodiment of carefree and happy. It was because he had taught her how to live more than her years of experience in life did.
And as it all hit him, he felt the heaviness in his heart wash away, just like the remnants of tears on his face. The rain didn’t seem so harsh anymore. It wasn’t gloomy anymore. It was more like someone was washing his pain away somehow. The raindrop didn’t feel like thorns on his skin but rather the soft caress of his grandmother as she pulled his cheeks. It felt warm and relieving. He was shocked at how one’s view of something could change in a matter of seconds.
He took a deep breath closing his eyes and leaning his head back. Suddenly, the rain had stopped. He inhaled the smell of petrichor; one of his favourite. As he realised the rain had stopped, his eyes opened up. He stood up hastily looking towards the tree only to find it alone in the moonlight. He frowned before scanning the park for the presence of one his heart was aching for. He knew he had to take that step now, but he couldn’t even find a hint that she had been there. He rubbed his eyes as he pushed his hair out of his eyes, wondering if he had been dreaming or hallucinating even. But it had felt so real. He was convinced she was there; he had heard her, seen her. Realising she might have just left if she was in fact there hit sharply.
‘Fuck!’