Chapter Text
When you have supernatural powers, the impossible becomes the possible. My name is Saiki Kumiko and I have psychic superpowers.
Sixteen years ago an ordinary couple gave birth to a not so ordinary baby girl.
I started talking when I was only fourteen days old without using my voice.
Soon afterwards I started walking when I was one month old, in the air.
At one year old I ran my first errand.
Now you'd think that after a year of this weirdness my parents would take me to get tested, but my folks are kinda weird themselves.
So time rolled on and I became the person you see now a highschool student. I can still bend spoons without touching them like any good psychic. And I can win any corporate give away I want. My life is a dream come true.
That is what you're thinking right? Well let me drop some truth bombs. Bending spoons makes it harder to eat, and winning free popsicles just leads to stomach aches. She's the happiest girl alive, that girl can have anything and do anything! Well that's dead wrong! Telepathy, psychokinesis, X-ray vision, precognition, teleportation, clairvoyance, and so on.
Sure I can do all those things but having powers like that also means having something taken away. Sort of like when we feed our pets they lose the ability to hunt. Or how if parents spoil their child they lose the ability to become a functioning adult. In this way there are some key experiences I've missed out on. Hard work culminating in a sense of achievement, the thrill of being thrown a surprise party. They're both totally foreign to me.
My powers do let me keep things peaceful enough but I can’t even use them to avoid attention. You see I really hate being the center of attention but unfortunately it’s impossible for me to avoid it. Why may you ask? It’s because I’m really cute. I know that doesn’t sound like much but I’m talking way cuter than your average girl.
To give you an idea of how bad it is- Where the hell is she? Hm? “Ah! Kumiko welcome home my adorable little girl! You’re running kinda late today huh?” my dad said with a wink after jumping up from crouching on the ground. She better not have been going out on a date with some guy. Oh right ever since I started middle school my dad’s been really overprotective about guys. Though apparently that’s normal for most girls. It's getting hard to tell what's normal for others and what isn't.
“I got locked out again can you use your powers to let me in” he asked. I rolled my eyes used to his antics and used telekinesis to unlock the door. “Oh I love those psychic powers of yours they’re just so sneaky”. ‘Don’t call them sneaky you make it sound like I’m a burglar’. “We’ll talk later,” he said charging into the house. I huff but I’m actually pretty happy he dropped the topic of boys. I’m not really interested in that sort of thing and I doubt anyone will ever catch my eye but it would be an awkward conversation.
"I can't believe you changed the locks on me again!" my dad yelled at my mom who was finishing making dinner. "I hope you're hungry, Kumi! I'm making you breaded pork chops for dinner!" my mom said, ignoring my dad. "Hang on, now you're choosing to ignore me, besides I thought I told you I wanted to have steak tonight!" my dad yelled. "I'm sorry I forgot but I can boil you a leather shoe," my mom offered passive aggressively. "I don't want a shoe, leather or not!"
I wonder where it went wrong with those two, they used to be so passionate. They used to always tell each other loving but sometimes confusing things. “I hate you like a fish hates air!”. Well they're still passionate now but it's a little different.
"Gorge yourselves guys I made a lot!" my mom said placing a breaded pork in front of me and a burnt leather shoe in front of my dad. "Hey hey!" My dad shouted standing up and pointing at the shoe. "Oh honey would you like something else?" my mom asked sweetly. "No 'cause I bet it's just the other shoe!" he responded.
"Bon Appetit," mom said, putting a cooked sneaker in front of him. "That's not even from the same pair!" he shouted back.
They've been going at each other for about a year now. "Hey, Kumiko can you use your powers to make this shoe into a steak for me?" my dad asked, shoving the shoe in front of my face. The stench was so bad I almost gagged and immediately I shoved it away.
So in case you forgot this pathetic man is my dad, Kuniharu Saiki. He's lazy and irresponsible and asks for help with everything in his life but surprise surprise the more I help the more useless he gets so lately I've stopped doing him any favors.
“What?! Do you even know how many shoes I have to lick to afford the food you’re eating now?” he yelled, annoyed that I was ignoring him. “Alright I’ll eat it! It stings! What did you do to this shoe?! Are you trying to poison me?!” he yelled. I’m pretty sure that’s just how shoes taste.
"Hey Kumi remember what I've always said please don't use your powers for evil," my mom said smiling and gently held my hand. This is my mom Kurumi Saiki. "You must only use your powers to help those in need. Or those people you are certain are genuinely nice!" She's a big reason why I haven't let my gifts turn me to the dark side she's a caring soul, well to me. "But feel free to use your powers to hurt your daddy!" my mom said with a sick smile and an evil laugh going on in her head. She kinda has a dark side herself.
Mom and I turned around to see my dad devouring my food. "Stop eating Kumiko's dinner you thieving son of a bitch! That's it we're taking this outside!" she said going full demon mode complete with her voice getting deeper. Truth is I could break up this fight whenever I feel like it but this is something they're going to have to work out for themselves.
Hm, coffee flavored jelly? It doesn't taste bad. Earthy, with a citrus note finish. Don't let the name fool you this jelly is a mature dignified treat. Better still when you add just a splash of whole milk it becomes a whole entirely new flavor sensation. And that hint of decadence is everything I ask for in my desserts.
I was pulled back into reality when my mom threw my dad straight at me knocking me off the chair. Apparently they were fighting the whole time. I dropped my coffee jelly but luckily was able to catch it in my mouth right before it hit the floor.
"You wanted to eat jelly that bad!? Forget the jelly we've got bigger problems! Your mother has turned into a monster" my dad said pointing to my mom. He wasn’t exactly wrong though she looked exactly like an oni mask you’d buy at a festival. “Stop running you coward! You’re not leaving till I say so!” she shouted in a demonic voice and lifted the dinner table above her head.
She threw it at my screaming dad this time laughing out loud. Of course I levitated the table before it could actually do anything. I’ve got the weirdest parents. I don’t really care about stopping another pointless fight but sometimes I just can’t help myself.
“So now you’re on your dad’s side? But I even made you pork chops!” my mom said. Why is it pointless? Just wait. “I want nothing to do with either of you again” she yelled. That’s a lie. Truth is I love them! No matter how hard they try, the voices in their hearts always bubble up. In other words all these fights they have are just big lies.
“Alright I hate you both too, so there!” my dad retorted. Just kidding! You know I love you guys, I wanna snuggle! Another pointless fight. There is one person here who has a real reason to be upset, me! Those weirdos interrupted my dessert. I guess only a psychic can fix this.
Love you! They both thought at the same time. “Wait did you just say you love me?” my dad asked, visibly confused. What? Is it possible she loves me back? “What? No! It was you who said it!” my mom responded. Oh no! I thought I just thought that but did I say it out loud? And what does ‘she loves me back’ mean? He loves me?
“So you did say it. You just admitted to thinking it out loud” my dad pointed out. Is it possible I love her so much I’ve started hearing things?
He loves me so much?
Wait, you can hear me?
“Huh? Yeah” my mom whispered.
“Kumiko!” they shouted in unison, finally realizing what I did. ‘Forced shared telepathy’ I explained. I used my powers to link their brains at the neuron level. In other words, thanks to me they can now hear each other's thoughts.
“Turn it off I can’t let him know I still love him” my mom asked with a bright red face. “Her finding out I still love her is my worst nightmare!” my dad added, just as red. Within nanoseconds they were back in each other's arms saying I love you and apologizing. Cool the end.
I actually could have solved this problem a different way too. Remember what I said earlier about being cute? It may annoy me but it definitely has its perks. Had I simply pouted or pretended to cry mom and dad would have made up instantly. Of course it probably wouldn’t have been as permanent but you never know. During that momentary time of peace they may have made up on their own.
What a pain. Normal people are complicated. At least now I can finish my dessert in peace. I sat down and went to grab my dessert, but just as I grabbed it my mom ripped it straight out of my hands. I looked over and saw that she was now feeding it to the good-for-nothing man I call my father.
Everyone should know not to steal a psychic's desserts so you can blame me for breaking all the windows.