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“Song Lan, we need you back.”
And in his mind's eye, Song Lan sees Xiao XingChen’s silent, unmoving form on the medics cot, breath shallow and stubbornly refusing to regain consciousness.
“XingChen needs me more.”
Marshal Nie runs a haggard hand down his face. “Ranger Xiao’s injuries are a blow to us all, but he shows no sign of improving, and you are still one of my best rangers. Let us at least test compatibility for you.”
“No.” Song Lan says. His voice sounds small to his own ears, but firm.
“We are not giving up on XingChen -” Marshall Nie tries again, eyes beseeching, behind Song Lan, he can feel HuaiSang shifting uncomfortably. “But we really do need you. The science division is predicting double events and we- we need Frost manned and ready”.
Song Lan opens his mouth to speak, to give his emphatic ‘no’ once again, but the feeling of sudden, incredible wrong-ness hits him like a Kaiju’s punch, and he doubles over, gasping, retching emptily onto Marshall Nie’s carpet - “Don’t touch me!”
Distantly he hears HuaiSang’s panicked voice from behind “-lan? Song Lan? Are you alright? No one is touching you-”
Shakily, his limbs suddenly heavy, unsteady and weak, he pushes himself back onto his hands and knees, and a sob leaves his throat unwillingly. He looks up at the Nie brothers, both of whom are hovering beside him, but thankfully not touching him, and his expression causes HuaiSang to step back in alarm.
He only manages to rasp, “Xiao XingChen - someone is-” before he pushes himself back onto his wobbling legs and sets off on a dead run towards the medics wing.
The sound Song Lan made when he discovers Xue Yang with his hands on Xiao XingChen’s unconscious form will haunt HuaiSang’s nights, he's sure. Even half way down the hall, too winded to keep up with Song Lan and da-ge’s large steps, he heard the incomprehensible sounds of pure rage that he would have never associated with stoic, quiet Song Lan.
MingJue shoved Song Lan right into HuaiSang’s arms when he finally rounds the corner into Xiao XingChen’s sick room with a rough “Get him out of here.”
HuaiSang drags away Song Lan quickly, but not quickly enough to miss MingJue bellowing “Ranger Xue! My office! Now!” at Xue Yang who is cradling a broken arm and looking like he’s disembowelling Song Lan with his eyes.
“You’re ghost drifting, aren't you.” HuaiSang presses an ice water into Song Lan’s shaking hands. “Even when Xiao XingChen is none-responsive, you are still ghosting with him. That’s why you space out sometimes. That is why you are refusing to test compatibility - another drift will sever your current drift with Ranger Xiao.”
Song Lan doesn’t bother responding. HuaiSang isn’t stupid, and as unheard of as Song Lan’s bond with Xiao XingChen is, it’s the only plausible explanation for Song Lan to feel an unconscious Xiao XingChen’s distress from half way across the Shatterdome.
Drifting with Xiao XingChen was- is a profound experience. Song Lan had been brought up Buddhist, and when Xiao XingChen’s consciousness first caressed his, he had a moment of clarity unlike anything he’s experienced before. Nirvana is to know another like himself - better than he knows himself. The tribulations and joys and mundane titbits that make up Xiao XingChen being known to him had been so breathtaking in it’s beauty - and Song Lan finally understands what the temple masters meant when they instructed him to let go of worldly concerns and embrace impermanence. The material world had fallen away when Xiao XingChen welcomed him in the drift, and softly told him ‘we are known to each other now.’
Even now, when Xiao XingChen’s barely respond to the medical apparatus he’s hooked up to, Song Lan feels the warm brush of him in his soul. Ironically, now he fears impermanence, fears that their grip on each other’s souls is not enough to pull XingChen back.
HuaiSang pats the ground next to his hand, a gesture of comfort and consideration all in one. “I’ll talk to da-ge. If you’re ghost drifting even ...with everything, that’s a bond we don’t want to break, and it’s probably a good indication Ranger Xiao will wake up soon and the two of you will be back in tip top shape in no time. We’ll start testing other pair’s compatibility with Frost just in case, but we won’t force you to make a new bond.”
“Thank you. Technician Nie?”
HuaiSang pauses where he was rising to leave, “Yes?”
“Would you re-open the case on XianShan Frost’s malfunction for me?”
That gives Nie HuaiSang pause. Slowly, the young man slides himself down next to Song Lan again. “You suspect foul play. You suspect Xue Yang.”
It is sometimes startling to be reminded of how sharp Nie HuaiSang truly is, under all his tech babble and nervous exterior.
“Yes.”
“You think Xue Yang would willingly risk the end of the world just to mess with the Frost?”
“The malfunction originated from my helmet.” Song Lan reminds HuaiSang, temping down the rising guilt that has been his constant companion since he woke up under Doctor Lan’s care but Xiao XingChen hadn’t. “The kaiju was early that day, remember? Xiao XingChen and I were meant to do a drop sim that morning.”
HuaiSang sucks in a sharp breath. “Your helmet was meant to malfunction in the dr- I see. I’ll look into it.”
“Thank you.” Song Lan whispers again and closes his eyes against the sound of HuaiSang scampering away.
Song Lan feels Xiao XingChen’s rising consciousness for a full day - a full day he spends at XingChen’s bedside, waiting.
The faintest of smiles graces XingChen’s lips, and eyes still closed and voice hoarse from disuse, he says “I look so peaceful from your eyes.”
Even though Song Lan never had any doubt Xiao XingChen would come back to him, he cannot deny the rippling relief that engulfs him as he helps Xiao XingChen sit up, and into a clumsy embrace. He cannot deny the frayed breath he takes is more sob than gasp when he hides his face into the junction of XingChen’s neck, reminding himself of the shape and feel of his lover.
“ZiChen, wait, look at me.”
Song Lan opens his eyes again as he leans back, alarmed at the sudden rush of fear from XingChen washing into their drift. He meets Xiao XingChen’s gaze, but there’s something wrong - XingChen’s eyes, usually so sharp and clear, are unfocused, his brows are drawn together in something akin to panic.
“XingChen?” Song Lan whispers.
“I think I’m blind.”
Hours later, Song Lan helps Xiao XingChen into his own quarters.
“Why do you feel guilt, my love?” XingChen calls to him, his face turned towards Song Lan even though his eyes’ focus is slightly off.
They cannot hide from each other, not when they sworn themselves to each other so thoroughly their drift stays strong even now.
How can I not feel guilt - Song Lan wants to ask, wants to release the angry tears, wants to empty his mind of Doctor Lan’s soft voice filled with pity.
Ranger Song, you are aware of the Corp’s investigation into Xue Yang? Yes, good. He re-wired your helmet in an attempt to blind and deafen you, and indeed the amount of light exposure that occurred in the incident two weeks ago caused you temporary flash-blindness while you were engaging the kaiju. As you were drifting with Ranger Xiao at the time, both of you lost consciousness, but I believe the depth of your drift with each other means that Ranger Xiao has stopped receiving visual stimulation the same moment you did before losing consciousness, however, while you have since recovered your sight as you recovered from the flash blindness, Ranger Xiao’s brain does not appear to be have regained the ability to receive visual stimulation.
You are blind because of me. Song Lan wants to scream. If we were not drifting at the time, you would not have lost your sight.
Song Lan thought he knew fear and pain, but nothing had prepared him for his helmet flashing flood lights right into his eyes and blaring warning klaxons into his ears in the middle of a fight against a Category Two.
He felt pain clamp all around his head, but that had been nothing compared to feeling Xiao XingChen feeling his pain in the drift - Xiao XingChen’s ragged scream sounding in the space where they bared their souls to each other.
“Love, look at me.” XingChen’s voice calls to him now. And Song Lan does. He does not dare to close his eyes, does not dare let the tears that sting the back of his eyeballs blur his vision, not when he knows it’s the only way XingChen can still perceive the world, through the drift, sharing Song Lan’s vision.
Xiao XingChen smiles, hovers his hands over Song Lan’s and asks “May I?”
Song Lan lets himself be held, keeping his eyes open even as he hides his face into XingChen’s hair.
“Song Lan,” Xiao XingChen whispers to him as they clutch at each other, as sincerity blossoms into their shared consciousness. “This is not your guilt to carry, and you are a fool to think I would ever regret drifting with you.”
And Song Lan, as ever, can do nothing but believe in Xiao XingChen.
“What do we do now?” HuaiSang asks his brother. He came into the Marshal's office in the early hours to drop off some files, and cannot really claim to be surprised when he finds MingJue still at his desk. “They will not be able to fight, not when one one of them is blind. Do you think Song Lan would consider piloting again if we forcibly break his drift with Xiao XingChen?”
“I think that would break him.” MingJue answers. HuaiSang hates it. He hates how hollow his brother’s voice is, how his eyes become more and more empty as he considers the future of the shatterdome, of the world. He hates how MingJue is right.
“Da-ge,” HuaiSang tries again, tries to pull his brother off of the path that he knows in his heart of hearts, MingJue is doomed to walk. “Don’t.”
“Do I have a choice?” MingJue answers, for once letting HuaiSang see how fucking exhausted the man has become, “I have to do it. Jiang Cheng and MianMian are both retiring. Now Song Lan and Xiao XingChen. - I have to call back Meng Yao before the next event.”
HuaiSang laughs, bitter and slightly hysterical. “Meng Yao said he wouldn’t come back even if you begged him on your knees.”
“Then I’ll beg.” MingJue answers back, voice steady but oh so devoid of all the passion that HuaiSang has felt the burn of all his life, has learned to depend on when things grow dark. “For the world, I’ll beg him on my knees and with my forehead pressed to the ground.”
“You’re making a mistake.” HuaiSang tells him. MingJue doesn’t even look up from his hands when HuaiSang leaves, slamming the heavy doors behind him.