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¨Yoongi?¨ A fragile voice called out an unfamiliar name. ¨Please, Yoongi, look at me.¨
Yoongi laid on his back and stared up at the wall. It was painted a certain color, but its name was unfamiliar to him. He tried to remember, but even when he searched deep inside of his mind and memory he found no answer.
¨Baby, it's me. Do you remember me?¨
His eyes burned and his body felt heavy. He closed his eyes but opened them just as quickly. He looked to the side, and on a chair, there sat a man.
He must be about thirty, Yoongi estimated, but his eyes looked like they had seen much more than thirty years of life.
His eyes were red and swollen, his lips were cracked and his hair was greasy and blonde. Black roots had grown, though, and judging by its length a haircut was long due. The man looked like he hadn't closed an eye for days, but as their eyes crossed paths, it seemed as if a shimmer of hope came back in those hopeless eyes.
The man must have looked handsome once, but his unkempt state made him look more like a zombie than anything else.
¨Yoongi, it´s me. It´s Jimin.¨ It was only after what felt like hours that Yoongi realized this Jimin was addressing him, not someone else. After all, they were the only ones present in the room.
¨Oh,¨ he managed to get out. Even though Jimin had already turned himself away from him, when Yoongi replied, he looked at him with bright eyes filled with hope.
¨Do you remember me?¨ Yoongi wished he could just close his eyes and sleep. It took so much energy for him to focus on Jimin´s words.
He could barely even form proper sentences in his thoughts, let alone think of how to respond. He didn't want to hurt Jimin but it felt as if all his thoughts and actions were covered in an endless fog and rocks were tied to his feet while he was forced to cross an endless river. It was almost impossible to come up with a proper answer.
The most he could manage was shaking his head to give a polite ´no´, but he barely even moved. Jimin understood anyway, and Yoongi watched as the hope died in his eyes.
He attempted to remember who he may be to this Jimin if his failure to remember the man made him so sad, but even just the attempt of such a task was too much for him. He groaned and turned his head to the side, away from Jimin.
He didn't want to see how his shoulders hung down and his head sunk low. Still, Yoongi could feel Jimin´s eyes burning in his back.
Actually, burning wasn´t the right word. Rather, it felt like the stare a man gave their long lost lover they just met again after years of being apart, but could not greet, for whatever obstacles stood in their way. His stare felt sorrowful and tragic, and somehow, it made Yoongi feel the same.
¨You´re sick, do you remember that?¨ Jimin asked him in a soft and unstable voice. If it weren´t for the absolute silence in the room, besides the beeping of the machine attached to Yoongi´s body and their breathing that seemed just a little bit louder than it was supposed to be, Yoongi might not have heard him.
¨I´m dying,¨ Yoongi replied, in a weak voice, without beating around the bush. He didn't remember why and he didn't remember how, but soon, he would take his last breath and he would close his eyes once and for all.
Truth was, he hoped it would come soon. His body weighed too much for him to keep carrying it for much longer. His eyes were heavy but they would not close and every time he took a breath, it felt like the air was made of poison.
Vaguely, he remembered this all had something to do with sleeping. He remembered doctors telling him he would fall into a coma soon, as they gave him something in an IV, but it never worked. He stayed awake, day after day, no matter what they gave him or what they did.
He remembered, too, that the same thing had happened to someone else. A woman. He didn't know who anymore, but he remembered holding her hand with tears in his eyes and blurred vision as he begged her not to leave him, while her hands slowly grew colder and colder.
¨The doctor said you´re in the final stage now,¨ Jimin informed him. He sounded like he was holding back tears. ¨It´s affecting your memory. You´re suffering from dementia now.¨
Jimin´s words somehow felt distant. Yoongi felt as if he was underwater, and someone on the surface was attempting to speak to him. Everything felt muffled and he could barely make out a single word, but he tried as hard as he could.
It was as if he was in a state of unconsciousness, but his eyes were open and he was still aware of all the pain his body was going through. All that missed was his ability to understand not only Jimin´s words but his own thoughts as well.
He felt as his eyes teared up, but he refused to cry. It burned and his vision was even blurrier than before, but he didn´t let a single tear roll.
He rubbed his eyes, which proved to be more difficult than he thought. It was troublesome to raise his hand and the movement barely had an effect.
He felt frustration bubble up inside of himself as he let his arm drop. He had no strength anymore, no energy for even the slightest of tasks. He laid flat on the bed as all kinds of different emotions dwelled up inside of him. He balled his hands into fists, despite the pain and discomfort that caused, and slammed one hand down on the bed.
He felt anger rooted deep inside of his bone materializing in the form of violence, to no effect it didn't have. Nothing changed as he slammed his fist down, again and again, hoping for a different result like a madman.
¨I´m here,¨ Jimin whispered to him. He took his wrist inside of his hand and stopped his useless motions. Yoongi was lifted up and he let himself lean against Jimin. He hid his face in his shoulder and let his tears roll. ¨I´m always here.¨
Although Yoongi did not remember who Jimin really was, he found comfort in the fact that he wasn´t alone.
-
As of yesterday, Yoongi was put on dialysis. According to the doctors, his organs were now slowly failing, and one by one, they would shut down. The doctors gave him a week; two if he was lucky.
Yoongi himself expected not to last much longer than two days.
Theoretically, there were a few ways they could keep him alive just a little bit longer, but that wasn´t what Yoongi wanted. He had decided, that if one of his more important organs may fail, they should just let that be the end.
It was shortly after his mother´s death that he had made that decision. He didn't wish to suffer when there was no cure, because it would have no use. All it would cause was pain and despair to him and those that loved him, and that was the last thing he wished for.
Yoongi was at peace with his inevitable demise. Death came for all, he knew, and to finally get rid of this pain and the intolerable weight of his fatigue would not be the curse many thought it to be.
There was little on earth he would miss if he went to the beyond, he thought, as his eyes fell on the bed they put beside his. There was only one he could remember right now, anyway.
He would miss Jimin. He would miss the man he was supposed to be with until old age got rid of them. He would miss his husband more than he could ever miss anyone else.
He watched as Jimin slept, lightly snoring like he always had. His face was relaxed, and for the first time in a long time, Jimin looked as if he was at peace.
Every moment spent awake, Jimin looked as if he was about to collapse. He slept too little, barely ate, and cried more than Yoongi had ever seen anyone do, even if he did his best to put up a strong front.
Most days, Yoongi didn't remember who Jimin was. All he knew was that there was a man, sitting next to him, who never complained but always looked sad. Jimin comforted him without Yoongi even needing to ask for it, for he knew exactly what he needed with no words exchanged.
He did know, Yoongi thought. Jimin always knew him even better than he knew himself, and for that, he was grateful.
Yoongi wondered what it would have been like to be in this hospital without Jimin. It would be lonely, he thought. He would have to spend the final months of his life, by himself, suffering the consequences of his inherited disease. He was thankful that wasn´t the case.
He remembered how, when he first found out he might be ill as well, he had cursed his mother, grandfather and his entire family for not understanding their fate sooner, and how he had wished he was never born so he wouldn´t have to suffer this awful fate.
At the time, Jimin had told him he was grateful for them meeting anyway, even if he was taken from him before they grew old. ¨I´ll never regret being with you,¨ Jimin had told him in his toughest moments. Then, he raised his pink and made a promise.
¨I´ll never leave you, Yoongi. As long as you´re alive, I´ll be by your side.¨
It seemed he made that promise come true, Yoongi thought as he stared at his sleeping love.
He was jealous, in a way, that Jimin could still sleep. It had been so long since he last got to close his eyes, and he wished he could enjoy rest the same way Jimin did. He knew such feelings were worthless, though, and he quickly dismissed the feeling.
They were supposed to get married this fall. South-Korea had legalized gay marriage close to a year ago, and as soon as the news got out, they proposed. Both of them at the same time. Their friends had joked that they would have to hold two weddings.
Instead, Jimin and he had gotten married early this year with no wedding at all. Jimin had been against it and claimed he would be able to survive till the wedding day - now only six weeks away - but Yoongi knew better. Even if he were alive by then, the idea of holding a wedding was nothing but false hope. By then, he knew he would already be devoured by the countless nights of no sleep and lucky if he could even manage to remember who he was, let alone consent to marriage.
Jimin had understood, but Yoongi knew it was only then that the truth of their situation really hit him. Jimin had known for a long time what their fate was like, but it was only now that it hit him how soon that fate would rip them apart.
They weren´t going to grow old together, they weren´t going to adopt a child together, they wouldn´t get to fulfill any other dreams they had. In a year, Yoongi would be gone, and Jimin would be left without him by his side.
Maybe that was the worst thing: not his own pain, but that what the people around him went through. He wished he could protect Jimin from this, he wished he could go back and never meet him - but he knew that if he were given the chance, they never would live a life apart.
Jimin was his stars, his moon, and his sun, he was his muse and his inspiration. Jimin was his support, every single day, and in return, he was that of Jimin as well.
Together, they relied on one another, in a way that was perfectly balanced and always would be, if it weren´t for the fact that Yoongi was leaving him to survive on his own.
Yoongi was beyond praying and begging for a better fate. What he wished was not for him, but for Jimin. He prayed not only for his health but for his happiness and luck as well. He prayed for Jimin´s fate to be better than his. He prayed for this to be his only great pain in life, and for whatever cosmic force out there to spare him more pain.
He prayed Jimin´s life would be easy after this, even if he knew an easy life did not exist. He could hope, and no one could ever take that away from him.
Today had been a good day, but Yoongi could feel that his thoughts became less coherent and more difficult to form. Soon, he would be in a state of oblivion again. It wouldn´t take long till his eyes closed, once and for all, either.
He asked himself when it would be, but could not come to a conclusion.
He looked at the man next to him, whose expression was peaceful, but who looked like exhaustion was etched deep into his soul.
The man´s name was lost to Yoongi, but he could feel, deep inside of his heart, that he wasn´t just anyone.
¨I love you,¨ were the last words Min Yoongi got to whisper as he saw darkness for the first time in so long and for the last time ever, as he was, at last, finally laid to rest.