Chapter Text
You had known Dave since he was barely old enough to actually string together more than a sentence. You've done a lot for that douchebag over those years you'll admit and you knows that Dave's done a lot back surprisingly enough.
In fact you remembers the time Dave took you to see a romcom marathon that was happening at the local cinema and you knew that Dave fucking hated that genre, but no one else was willing to sit through hours of sappy romance and you shamelessly crying because oh god Adam Sandler fell in love with a girl who would forget about him every day and yet never fucking gave up.
Hell, you recalls when you bought Strider a pair of actual normal fucking glasses when he somehow broke the shitty pointy anime shades he used to don when he was just a kid although you're not sure if Bro ever forgave you for that because Dave never wore another pair of anime shades again thank fuck.
But that's not the point, the point is you'd probably jump in front a bullet for each other, you knows Dave would find some way to come back from the dead and make shitty obscure jokes of how much of a fucking heroic hot piece of ass he is though.
Except that you'd rather jump in front of a bullet than do what Dave just asked.
"You want me to pretend to be your fucking boyfriend? Why in the ever loving fuck would you want me to do that?" you almost yelled as you continued pacing in front of the sofa that Dave had gotten himself comfortable on.
Dave sighed, clearly getting slightly annoyed "Shit man, I already told you. Rose and Bro are comin' over in a week and they kinda maybe slightly think I'm dating someone."
"And why the fuck would you tell them such a blatant lie you idiot?" you were about to pull your hair out due to frustration,
"Because Rose wouldn't get off my back about refusing to be in a relationship, I can't exactly be like 'Oh hey sis, yeah sorry it was a huge lie because I'm a weak-ass who couldn't handle your complaining about my private life' can I?"
You give him a dead panned look "Yes, you can." you replied bluntly.
Dave rolled his head back and let out a loud and clearly exasperated groan to which you grimaced. Why did Dave come to him of all people? He could understand why he wouldn't ask his roommate, John, since he was practically the walking definition of 'no homo' but surely Dave had other idiotic friends to beg.
"Please, it wouldn't be an actual relationship like not for realsies man." Dave was literally on his knees now although if someone asked him about that he'd find a way to make it seem ironic,
"Ugh, god fine at least it'll be fucking entertaining and I'm gonna eat all of your goddamn food." you hissed and the Strider boy practically jumped straight up and pulled you into a hug.
"Thanks bro, I owe you. I was gonna go to Eridan if you said no, you know how desperate he is for a relationship even if it would be fake." he muttered as he let go "You should come down to my apartment so we can plan this shit out, y'know." and you nodded in defeat but not before Dave made you grab some random clothing scattered around the ever messy apartment to dump somewhere in Dave's.
-
"Hey Karkat!" John waved and came over to give you a hug much to your dislike,
"Hey Egbert." you mumbled in reply as you tried to get out of the way too cheery embrace.
After John retreated back into his room you shoved the assortment of clothes into Dave's room and was reassured that you would get them all back soon. Dave then dragged you over to the couch along with a bag of chips that Dave unashamedly chewed on as loud as he possible could, you was already regretting this stupid plan. Apparently Lalonde and Bro were here for two weeks and you had about a week to make this apartment look like his second home even though you barely came down here except to hoard all the food and watch shitty movies with John. You were going to have to get used to sleeping in Dave's bed and in response to hearing that nearly backed out, like you wanted to sleep in the same room let alone the same fucking bed as Strider but after all it was just two weeks.
"Wait, I should give you some of my clothes and shit to wear, Rose would be all over that." Dave looked so proud of that idiotic idea that had somehow made his way from his shitty think pan and out through his giant fucking mouth, he leaped off the couch and headed for his room. He soon returned holding an armful of various shirts and sweaters, you rested his head and your hand and sighed.
"Is that really fucking necessary? You're like 5 sizes bigger than me you fuckass." you growled and Dave simply dumped the clothes onto you in response, that only served to piss you off even more. "God, you're such a fucking asshole! How do you even have friends you incessant bulgelicker!" you yelled while trying to get the shirts off.
"You're my friend." Dave stated with a hint of a smirk to his otherwise poker face, jesus christ you found that kid to be the most irritating piece of shit in the world.
You rolled your eyes and stood up "Can we just talk about this tomorrow? It's late and unlike some douchebags I actually have a class tomorrow morning." Dave nodded and kept his mouth shut because as hilarious as it was to annoy Karkat he needed him on his good side for this plan.
You somehow managed to stuff the shirts into a backpack before grabbing some food from the kitchen and walking out the door without a goodbye, Dave flopped onto the sofa face first. This was gonna be the hardest shit he'd ever tried to pull off.
-
You groaned as the first few rays of light made their way through the blinds, you tried to grab a nearby pillow and plop it onto your face to block out the sun but suddenly the phone started ringing and 'Hollaback Girl' started sounding throughout the apartment. Dave must have changed the fucking alarm again, you hissed as you turned off the alarm and chucked it away from the proximity of the bed.
You knew you had to get up in a minute and start getting ready for class, you eventually rolled out of bed and while on the floor considered taking a nap but soon forced yourself up and dragged your half asleep body to the bathroom. You looked at the reflection, hair as messy as ever with clumps sticking up in the seemingly most impossible angles and eyes were underlined with heavy dark bags. Pretty much the usual, no wonder people thought you was a slob since you always looked like you'd just literally rolled out of bed and walked straight out the door.
After turning the the shower on, you slowly and groggily took your clothes off and stepped in. Letting the hot water soak your hair and sighed in relief as the water ran down your face, waking you up and warming your muscles.
You couldn't believe you were doing this for Dave, who the fuck agrees to fake dating their friend because they're too weak to tell their sibling to piss off? At least Dave and John's apartment had plenty of food and video games. You wondered how far you could push Dave with this fake dating thing and for the first time since you had been told about the plan yesterday you suddenly realised that you'd probably have to 'get your mack on' with Strider. You nearly yelled in frustration right there in the shower but instead hissed and grabbed your hair in anger, you could feel your cheeks starting to burn up at the thought. You really didn't think this through, dammit.
After the shower, in which you spent 10 minutes groaning and occasionally hitting your head on the tiled wall, you gathered up the things you would need for class and grabbed a slice of toast before heading towards the front door. Maybe if you caught the early train you coul- what the FUCK .
"Hello Karkat." Rose greeted as you opened the door before you proceeded to freak the fuck out and fall over in shock all while Lalonde watched on in bemusement.