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Derek hummed, warm and loose and trying really hard for relaxed. He sensed his approach before he was standing in front of him, lazily opening his eyes. Stiles was standing over him, his head right in the middle of the sun, with the rest of its edges circling around him, like a halo. It looked like Stiles was one of the stars burning hot and bright, to keep the sun from losing its light. Stiles smiled, and somehow, that shone even brighter, it could have been blinding, and Derek would have been okay with this being the last thing he’d ever get to see. Derek took the hand that was nearest to him, tugged until Stiles settled on his lap.
“ Didn’t mean to wake you.” Stiles whispered, resting his head against Derek’s bare chest.
“ I wasn’t sleeping.” Derek breathed in Stiles’ scent, let his eyes wander. Scott, Liam, Mason and Cory were playing some sort of pool ball game. Malia, Cora, and Kira were chatting mindlessly, their legs splashing water around. The sheriff and Melissa were reading a book – the same book, with Melissa’s back rested against the sheriff’s front and his arms holding out the book since they were longer than hers. Ethan, Jackson, and Lydia were racing to see who would reach the end of the pool first. Jackson won, mostly because Lydia counted down, then decided to tan instead. Isaac silently joined her. It was the first time they’d all been together since – well, ever. It was the first time he’d had this many people seeking out his company, wanting to be around him, to offer something he wasn’t quite willing to admit he needed yet. It was probably Stiles anyway. They’d do anything for him.
“ What are you thinking?” Stiles questioned, moving Derek’s head and forcing his eyes back on him.
“ That I wish we’d done this sooner. Or that we could just – stay here. Forever. I wish nothing had to happen after. I wish this could just be it.” Stiles smiled, and it was the saddest thing Derek had ever seen. And he’d seen a lot of sad.
“ I get it. But you probably won’t last a week living day-in and day-out with these people, let alone for the rest of your life.” Derek snorted at that.
“ You have a point, but if staying with them meant having you forever, then – I would have made it work. I would have done it, no doubt about it. I would do anything.” Stiles’ eyes moved between Derek’s, giving his mind a chance to absorb, to believe.
“ You know I would do the same for you.” Derek leaned in, pecking Stiles’ kiss quickly, simply. He nodded, for the first time since the fire feeling cared for, supported, loved.
“ Stiles! Cory is sabotaging the game to let his boyfriend win! Come here because we need a fair judge!” Scott called out, piercing the bubble that Stiles and Derek had found themselves in.
“ Go on, it’s okay, I’m not going anywhere.” Derek knew that Stiles didn’t need his permission to do anything, but he liked offering his assurance, his support. He wanted Stiles to know that he was okay with whatever. Although, deep down, there was something nagging at him, twisting a knot of resentment, of blame and regret. But that wasn’t on Stiles to carry.
“ Okay, I’ll be back.” Stiles promised, kissed Derek again, all loud and sloppy, earning himself a chuckle from Derek, as he stood from his lap, and jumped into the pool to swim towards his friends. Derek watched on, as he went to tug at Scott’s shorts, causing Scott to dive in to save himself from nudity, his legs and Stiles’ splashing water onto everyone else. When they came up, Stiles had Scott in a headlock, and they were having trouble catching their breaths from laughing so much.
Derek sighed, decided to go into the rented house to grab a drink, breathe a little easier without having to take in everything he’d have to lose in a matter of days. Or – he didn’t know for sure if he’d lose it all, it just.. felt like a loss. So, it was easier to prepare himself for it, so that it didn’t completely take him over, destroy him beyond repair. He stood in front of the fridge, trying to choose something to grab that the pack wouldn’t later miss. Cora and Lydia came into the house, Cora needing her tanning oil, and Lydia in search of her sunglasses. Derek buried his head further into the fridge, not really up for casual chats, but Cora’s voice faded out, while Lydia cleared her throat, suddenly right next to Derek, tapping her feet impatiently.
“ Oh, do you need something from the fridge?” Derek raised his head, stepped back to allow her a view into the fridge.
“ Come sit with me.” She said instead, moving towards the U-shaped couch. Derek followed because honestly, Lydia scared him a little.
“ Is.. everything okay?” Derek awkwardly questioned, after a few uncomfortable moments of silence where she just – stared at him, waiting for something to give.
“ You know it’s not.” Lydia’s heart gave a single thud, that sounded like it hurt, but other than that, her features barely changed at all. Derek thought of all they’d come from, all they’d left behind in Beacon Hills. They’d just beaten the nogitsune. It’d taken from then what it’d taken and they’d lost all they’d lost and – they were still losing. They were still on the verge of a loss that most of them wouldn’t be able to survive. When Stiles had collapsed right along with the fox wearing his face, they’d taken him to the hospital, to try to save him, after failing to do so for Allison. For Aiden. For a bunch of officers at the sheriff’s precinct and a bunch of doctors and nurses at Melissa’s hospital. They’d thought it was over, they’d thought the nogitsune had taken all it could from them, but then Melissa gave them the diagnosis. Frontotemporal dementia. Like his mother. The sheriff had immediately shaken his head, tried to stop the shake from traveling anywhere else, as he told Melissa that it had to have been another game, another trick, that they’d just gotten the all clear for Stiles, before everything had gone to absolute shit. Melissa had explained that there had been no medical explanation for its sudden appearance. But the nogitsune could have kept it away from them the first time they’d tested for it, could have actively hidden it, to break it out when it was needed, when there was nothing else he could hold against them, could break them with. And boy, did they break.
When Stiles had finally woken up, with circles so dark beneath his eyes, it’d looked like he hadn’t slept for a lifetime or two, the sheriff had cried out the news, had fallen on top of his son and hugged him like it would be the very last time. But then, Stiles had calmly asked them to ship in with any money they could, to book a trip to Hawaii, where they could all just – be actual persons again. Scott had resisted at first, had suggested that everyone would delve into any resources they might have had, to try to find answers. Solutions. Treatments. Anything. They had to find something. But then Stiles had kicked everyone out the room, and the werewolves had respected his privacy, had actively worked towards not listening in, and when Scott had opened the door, half an hour later, with bloodshot eyes and distressed features, he’d nodded his agreement, told everyone he’d call the traveling werewolves back home. And they’d all come back, for Stiles.
“ Then.. why are we having this conversation?”
“ Because we haven’t, since, everything happened. And I wanted to check up on you. See how you’re holding up.”
“ Check up on me? But – what?” Derek blinked, like she was speaking in a tongue he didn’t understand. Didn’t remember ever learning.
“ I know we all don’t talk unless it’s a life-or-death situation, but, we’re friends. We’re family, all of us, and we all love Stiles and – are scared shitless of losing him, but it’s different for you. It’s always been different with the two of you.”
“ You’ve known him longer.” Lydia rolled her eyes, getting comfortable on the couch.
“ This isn’t a competition on who would be more traumatized if something was to happen to Stiles. I’ve just lost someone who was – my significant other, but you – you’ve lost a pack member. And now – just tell me how you’re doing.”
“ I don’t – I am trying not to think about any of it. Because if I do – if I begin to consider what may happen when we leave here, I – I won’t be able to look at him without wailing out because – I didn’t have anything, right? Before – before Stiles, I had been stripped of everything I have ever cared about. I wasn’t even – a person anymore. But when I started falling for Stiles, everything changed. He gave me.. everything. He gave me a pack, a home, a family, a person to pour everything into. He made me feel things I didn’t think I deserved to feel anymore, things that were burned out of me, Lydia. And now, every time I look at him, at any of you, I can’t help but feel my grip loosening, like someone is taking my fingers and unclenching them one by one, until I’d have to let go. Be alone. And – I was starting to believe I wouldn’t have to, you know. I was – God – hoping again. I just, I feel like – “ A gasped out cry fell past Derek’s lips, and Lydia’s eyebrows furrowed, her bottom lip trembling like she was about to cry along with him.
“ I feel like I’m dying. Like I’m withering away, watching him do the same. It’s – nothing has changed about him yet, but knowing that it will, makes me want to just avoid him all together so that I don’t have to see it happening. I can – I can stomach a lot of things but – not this, Lydia. I can’t – I can’t.” He couldn’t love and have it be the piercing sword through his heart. He couldn’t helplessly watch as Stiles’ light dulled. He couldn’t not do anything to help. He couldn’t do anything because there was nothing to be done. He couldn’t lose. Not Stiles. Not him too. Lydia couldn’t hold herself back any longer, wrapping her arms around Derek, with his head against her chest, despite him having a much bigger frame than hers. She was swaying him kindly, sniffling occasionally to keep her own sobs at bay.
“ Stiles is what keeps us all together, in every single way, but that doesn’t mean that we’re not your pack. We are your people too. And – losing any part, no matter how significant, doesn’t mean losing the whole. Because you’re not losing us. And we’re not losing you, I hope.” Derek squeezed the forearm he had clung to, cried some more until he felt grounded, present, pulling his head away from Lydia’s chest, wiping at his face pathetically.
“ Yeah, I’ll do my best.” And he would. It was just a lot of running away that he had to unlearn, but he’d do it, because he cared for these people. God. He could care for people again.
“ Now look what you’ve done.” Derek was snotting everywhere, still trying to hold the flood back, reel it back in.
“ Gave you a healthy outlet for your pent-up emotions? Yeah, you’re welcome.” Lydia stood, smiled at him, only half-teasing.
“ I’ll distract them until you can come back out there.” Derek nodded gratefully. He went into the bathroom to wash away traces of his breakdown, pull himself together a little. He then went back to the fridge, decided on a water because he was too wired for anything else, before heading back to his seat by the pool. Stiles had gravitated towards his dad and Melissa, and they were playing a card game now. Stiles looked his way, not for the first time apparently, since his eyebrows shot up as if surprised to find Derek there again, his lips curving into a relieved grin, as he waved at Derek. Derek waved back, smiled because how could he not, when Stiles was looking like a kid on a Christmas day. Malia and Kira came up to Derek, interrupting his view of Stiles, each of them grabbing an arm and pulling until they pushed him into the pool and followed suit. Stiles immediately did the same with the sheriff and Melissa, and they all ended up in the water, laughing like the world wasn’t falling away around them. It was a good thing they’d rented a private pool with a house big enough for all of them.
That night, Stiles abruptly fell to sleep as if he hadn’t meant to, tired down by the exerted effort to keep up with everyone else. Derek moved his fingers across the moles on his face, followed his breathing, tried to take in all his sleeping mannerisms, wondering if those would change along with everything else. Wondering if Stiles would someday forget to stick his tongue out a little when he was feeling warm in his sleep, or to hum every time he turned in his sleep, or to seek out Derek when he was walking the line between sleepiness and awake-ness. He wondered if he’d forget Derek all at once, or slowly, every day forgetting another part of him, another thing he used to know by heart, used to love, until there would be no Derek in Stiles’ life. Derek shook his head, tried to jumble his thoughts, bring something else to the front that wouldn’t make him want to howl like an animal in pain. He kissed Stiles’ cheek, stayed there until there was a red splash on Stiles’ sensitive skin. Derek wished it could be permanent, wished Stiles could always touch it and think of him. Of loving him. Being with him. Talking about the rest of their lifetime together. About kids and homes and – life. So much promised life that was being drained out of them, stolen.
Derek had to leave the bed – the room – the house – because he didn’t want to wake anyone up with all the crying he felt himself losing against. He didn’t want anyone to take focus away from Stiles, or from their coping process, because they all needed their strength if they were going to make it through this thing. Derek just didn’t know if he was strong enough anymore. He felt so fucking weak. He couldn’t save Allison and spare Scott. Couldn’t save Aiden and spare Lydia. And now, he was losing Stiles, as if the universe was avenging Lydia and Scott, was raising its middle finger and telling Derek that he’d have to lose too, that he’d have to feel the way they felt, the way they would always feel for the rest of their lives. It was probably fair, he deserved it, but – Stiles didn’t deserve to go so soon, especially not like this. And no one else deserved to lose too.
“ Derek, hey, hey, Derek,” Derek twirled around, his senses on high alert. It was Stiles. A sound fell out of Derek’s mouth that he wasn’t sure he had a name for, his hands in his hair, pulling to try to feel something other than the paralyzing fear, the fucking uselessness.
“ What’s going on? Are you okay? Derek, it’s me, it’s Stiles.” When he heard his name, his eyes squeezed shut, the numbness in his body subsiding to allow more pain in. So much pain.
“ I – I think – I can’t – “
“ Are you having a panic attack?” Stiles questioned, although he’d known it all along. Had seen it in the tremble of Derek’s limbs, heard it in the ragged breathing. Derek nodded, confused, because he hadn’t had one of those before. Not after the fire, or the alpha pack, or Boyd and Erica. Not even –
“ I – I can’t breathe. Fuck. I – I’m going to die.”
“ No, no, you’re not going to die. You’re going to be okay.”
“ But you – you won’t be.” Derek had a hand against his heart like it was physically breaking in his chest.
“ Derek, just – listen in for my heartbeat. Follow it. Come on, breathe with me, take it slow.”
“ I don’t – I can’t. I can’t think, I don’t – I don’t know how to stop this.” Derek groaned, falling onto a single knee. Stiles immediately fell with him, sliding against the ground, until he was carrying the rest of Derek’s weight.
“ I am right here. See? I am with you.” Stiles took Derek’s hands away from his hair, put one of them over his heart, and willed it to settle into a somewhat normal beat.
“ You can’t die. You – you can’t leave me. Please, Stiles. I – I swear it’s – it’s going to kill me too. Please, just – not like this. I love you. You can’t – you have to remember that. You have to know that.”
“ I know. I know, babe. And I love you. So much. So, just breathe with me now, and we’ll figure this out together, okay? We will. I’ve got you, it’s okay.” Derek nodded, rested his forehead against Stiles’, taking his fast inhales as an opportunity to breathe more of Stiles’ scent in, layered with concern and love and a deep ache that hadn’t been there before. He slowly started opening his eyes – which he didn’t realize he’d closed – when he was able to take one full breath in.
“ I hate this.” He confessed, his voice sounding like he’d cried himself raw.
“ Why haven’t you talked about all of this with me before it manifested like.. this?”
“ I couldn’t put that on you. You – you’re already going through so much. You’re the one who got the diagnosis for fucks sake. You shouldn’t have to help us through it.”
“ But I love you. I love everyone here. And I can’t not help them when they’re struggling with something. I can’t not be there. Especially when that thing is related to me.”
“ Stiles, you’re not going to be there forever. At some point, they’ll – we’ll have to do it on our own. And it’s going to suck. Fuck, it’s going to be damn near impossible.” Derek could have slipped back into that panic attack, if Stiles’ grasp around him wasn’t so grounding, so soothing.
“ What do you want me to do about it?” Stiles sounded bitter, miserable.
“ You can take the bite. From Scott, or – me. You can let me give you the bite.” Stiles frowned, like he hadn’t considered this option before. But Derek knew better, knew Stiles was too smart for his own good sometimes, and had to have known about this and filed it away as rejected.
“ You know I don’t want the bite.”
“ But you want to die? Leave us?”
“ Of course, not. That’s not – I would do anything to be able to make this go away. Just – not the bite.”
“ Why not? Why are you so against it, Stiles?” Derek put a bit of distance between him and Stiles, as if trying to get a feel for it, try it before it became his constant. He hated it. He hated every thing about it. Stiles sighed, sat cross-legged, with his hands pulled out in front of him in case they were needed. Or in case Derek realized that Stiles needed him and decided to hold on again.
“ Because, Derek, I don’t – deserve it. You haven’t thought about the timing of this? How – this all blew up in our faces after the nogitsune? After I let this thing take over me and run around town destroying people’s lives and killing innocent people, killing – pack members. Scott’s anchor. The love of his fucking life. And – Ethan’s twin brother, who also happens to be Lydia’s boyfriend. I – I put a sword in Scott’s stomach, and I almost killed him too. Everyone I’ve ever cared about got hurt, Derek. Including you, my dad, Melissa, everyone. And then, I get the diagnosis that would lead to my eventual death. And you expect me to, what? Take the bite? Give myself a second chance at a perfectly healthy life, with super healing powers, and a lifetime that I get to spend with you? After – after all I’ve taken? All I’ve done? I can’t do that. That would – it’s not fair, that I get to reverse what happened to me, but not – everything else.”
“ Stiles,” Derek whined, hating the weight he could almost visualize, settling across Stiles’ shoulders.
“ Your solution to balance things out, is to, make these people lose some more? Lose again? And not just any losing, this is the type of losing that changes things, forever, Stiles. If you think – if you think anyone in this house will be the same if they lose you, then you are just – so stupidly wrong. And you’re many things, Stiles, but stupid isn’t one of them.” Stiles looked like his need for self-punishment, for an equilibrium that he wasn’t a part of, was thrown by something logical and desperate.
“ But, I just – I think that this will relief them from having to see my face and think of – of everything they lost. Everything I let be taken away from them. I can’t – I see it in their eyes, Derek. Even in yours and dad’s sometimes. Because he flinches sometimes, when I move too quickly. Scott has moments when he’s just – shut down, irritated and suspicious and so fucking angry and – Scott was never an angry person. Hell, when his dad left, I was practically urging him to lash out, but it has never been in his nature. And you – you look at me with all this love in your eyes, but check my forehead to see if I’m still running too cold for it to be normal. I – me being here is taking a toll on everyone, Derek. So, this feels right. Like I should have seen it coming, because of course after all that bad, something good would happen, something would have to give. And maybe that something is me being out of the way. Maybe that will give them time to – to heal, without that aching reminder that I’m wearing on my face. Maybe we shouldn’t be trying so hard to fix this. Fix me.”
“ Stiles, you can’t seriously – “ Derek’s hurt was morphing into something more aggressive, angrier, “ Maybe I was wrong, because this is the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard you say.” Derek moved towards Stiles, slowly pushing him until he was laying flat on his back, looking up at the stars and the moon that were slowly fading out, making room for the sunrise. Derek laid himself down next to Stiles, entangling their fingers together, and bringing their clutched hands to rest against his chest.
“ Any one of us can bear the weight of that and decide that we’re not worth saving. Lydia was the one who was responsible for bringing you back from that sacrifice. Maybe she did something wrong. Maybe she left you in the water too long. Scott was with you every day, and no matter how many times you told him that there was something wrong with you, he always brushed it off as normal post-dying-and-coming-back-to-life-again side-effects. Isaac bailed after Allison. Cora bailed after Boyd. And I just – I brought Jennifer into your life. I let her in. I trusted her, even after – fuck, I was so stupid, still, I learned nothing from Kate, I never learn. But I was the one who allowed her to take your dad, Stiles, which led you to that sacrifice, that eventually cracked open that door in your head. I did all of this. If we look further back, I bit Isaac, Erica, and Boyd. I threw them into that world. They were my claws in Boyd’s chest. It was also me who let a psychopath hunter kill my entire family, who didn’t look hard enough for my younger sister, who looked past the fact that my crazy uncle was punishing people for something I’d done. He even killed my sister over it. I did – everything wrong, Stiles. And you still chose to love me, to fight for me, to save my life and give me back so much from what I’d lost, sometimes, it slipped my mind completely, that I’d ever lost at all. So, do you think I should die for all of that? I should just – throw myself in front of a wolfsbane bullet, or do something that would put me back on the hunters’ radar? Do you think I should have stopped you from getting involved with me because I am unredeemable and I don’t deserve anything good?” Stiles’ head frantically shook, turning to his side in preparation of silencing all of Derek’s insecurities, but Derek pushed on, “ Do you think all of this never crossed my mind? Because it did, Stiles. It – it does. Every day. Every time I look at you and I can’t fucking believe you’re mine, I start thinking. Doubting. But you love me through it. You love me even when you don’t know I need it. You love me when I think I don’t deserve it. And if you think I don’t hold as much in me for you, then, I’ve failed at communicating it. And I need to do better.”
Stiles breathed out, his eyes overflowing with tears, letting some slide against his cheeks, others falling directly on the sleeve of Derek’s shirt. He lifted to rest his weight on his elbow, leaning down to touch against Derek’s lips, kissing at first, then simply resting. Staying.
“ You’re perfect. And I love you.” Stiles whispered between the folds on Derek’s lips. Derek smiled, his teeth bumping into Stiles’ now.
“ I love you too. But I am fucking exhausted, can we just lay here for a while?” Stiles left a final kiss, laying back down.
“ For as long as you want.” Stiles simply agreed. Derek’s eyes closed immediately, all energy wiped out of him after that panic attack. Stiles watched him for a while, waited till the sun started coming up, before he rested his head against Derek’s chest, listening in for his heartbeat, until he was lulled to sleep.
They woke up when the sheriff and Melissa started rummaging through the kitchen, starting on breakfast while simultaneously looking all loved up and joyful. Stiles shushed them, tenderly shook Derek until he was on his feet, eyes practically glued shut, as Stiles steered him to their bedroom, to catch up on all the sleep they needed. Stiles woke up first, took a shower, grabbed a sandwich from the kitchen, and when he got back to their room, Derek was stretching, yawning. By the time they made it to the living room, it was dinner time. Everyone was fighting over food, with Melissa, the sheriff, and Kira trying to discipline them a little. They were failing miserably. With a bite in almost every mouth on the table, Stiles cleared his throat, willing words to come to him, his voice to carry them out.
“ Guys, I, uh, wanted to get your input on something. And I – I can’t make this decision on my own.”
“ What is it? Are you okay?” The sheriff asked, and with a silent look from Stiles, he sighed, motioning with his hand for him to carry on.
“ Okay. So, everyone here is aware of what had happened to lead us to this. But – no one knows what will happen after. I mean. The end results are factual at this point, but we don’t know what will happen until then. If it will take a month. A year. Two years. Nobody knows.” The atmosphere was suddenly solemn, what was once filled with life and chatter and happiness, was now dull, diluted, faded. Derek took Stiles’ hand under the table, squeezed on it.
“ What are you trying to say, Stiles?” Liam asked, hating the suffocating sadness in the air.
“ I – okay, how would you feel if I considered getting the bite?”
“ You can do that? It would – help? With the diagnosis?” The sheriff asked, looking between all the faces on the table for answers.
“ It could make it go away completely. Like it was never there.” Scott replied, eyes still wide, not much else of an expression on his face.
“ Then why in the hell haven’t any of you mentioned it before?” The sheriff groaned, hitting Liam’s head slightly because he was the one closest to him other than Melissa. And Liam complained, started rubbing his head although it barely hurt at all.
“ There are a lot of factors that play into it, John. Let the kid speak.” Melissa advised, her eyes connecting with the sheriff for a few seconds, because all eyes were directed back to Stiles.
“ I knew it was an option. Even before the diagnosis. For years, since I’ve learned about werewolves, I’ve considered the possibility of the bite. Thought if I’d known about it back when mom was still sick, I – it would have changed things. It could have saved her. But. Yeah. I knew about it, I just didn’t want to consider it for myself.”
“ Why not?” Malia asked, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
“ Because he’s punishing himself.” It was Lydia who replied. All knowing and observant as ever. And then all hell broke loose. Everyone with an opinion or an objection was throwing it in, all at the same time, and Stiles was contemplating putting his fingers in his ears like a child.
“ Stop! Stop it!” Derek eventually yelled, hitting his fists against the table until everyone was settled again. Waiting with fraying patience. “ Let him speak, dammit.” Derek ordered, eyes on everyone except for the sheriff and Melissa. He was raised better than that.
“ I realize what I have done to everyone here. I know I’ve – I’ve contributed to so much loss and pain and – shit. I know that. And I know that some of the relationships I have had with people are tarnished for good. That there are some things that can’t be forgiven, and I – I accept that. I am coming to terms with it. Ever since my diagnosis, I have found the fairness in the situation. I understand that the universe is correcting itself, getting justice for those who weren’t actively seeking it out because it – it related to me. That’s probably why I haven’t fought much. Have barely reacted at all because I – I mean, I never should have made it out of that nogitsune fiasco at the first place. I was supposed to die with him and if – if I was given a few extra days or weeks or whatever, then okay, but another chance at life? I don’t deserve that. I know I don’t. So, the bite just feels like a copout. Like I’m cheating, taking things that aren’t mine, again. And I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to be this – stain in your lives forever.”
“ A stain? Stiles, no one here thinks of you like that. We’ve all – Jackson came from fucking England when you called. Ethan just went through arguably the most traumatic experience and he still showed up. We’re all here because we want to spend as much time as possible with you. And now you’re saying there’s a chance we’d have more of that? There’s a way we can not lose you and you think any of us would steer you away from it? Why in the hell would we even be here Stiles, if we didn’t want to be around you?” Cora spoke, offended and angry and accusatory, with fear carefully layered there somewhere. Because she knew loss. And she hated it. She hated how it’d carved her and her brother out. How it’d chewed them and spat them out like it was nothing.
“ I don’t know, guilt? Pity? I don’t know, Cora.” Stiles shook his head, sinking further into his seat.
“ Sweetheart, you know these people, you know they wouldn’t do anything their hearts weren’t a 100% in. And they’re all invested in you and your well-being. They’re all terrified of losing you, of losing anyone but – you have saved every single person on this table at least once. You, armored with nothing but your brains and your good, brave heart, kissed this one back to life,” Melissa pointed at Cora, “ Stopped this one from killing himself,” Then Ethan, “ Saved everyone from getting murdered by this one,” Jackson, “ Brought this one back to a civilized life and taught her how to be a person again,” Malia, “ Helped this one through multiple panic attacks and breakdowns,” Isaac, “ And don’t even get me started on what you did for Scott. For your dad. For me. And – Derek. You put more good into each and every single life here than any bad you could possibly do. And we’re all grown-ups here, we know that it wasn’t really you. We understand that you never would have intentionally done any of this. And we realize that without you, we never would have beaten that thing, we never would have gotten our lives back.” Melissa shrugged, like it was that simple. Derek looked at the sheriff, then Scott, willing any words of reassurance out of them, knowing that Stiles would need it the most from them. But Scott’s head was casted downwards, everything about him heavy and dim.
“ I don’t – I don’t care about any of this, Stiles. You can be the worst person in the world, and I still wouldn’t want you to die. I mean, you’ve seen what losing your mom did to me, fundamentally as a person. It was pretty much impossible to come back from that, but – you pulled me back. You taught me how to live again, how to want to, and now you’re just – bailing on me? I thought you said we take care of each other, Stiles. How are you going to take care of me if you’re not here? I’d be lost without you.” Stiles barely smiled, sad for his dad, for having to settle for so little, for having to lose so much.
“ I gotta – I’m going to get some air.” Scott clumsily got out of his chair, stopping it right before it fell, as he rushed out of the living room, outside the glass windows. Stiles looked to Derek, horrified, but Derek nodded, urged him to follow, assured him that Scott seemed to need him. So, Stiles excused himself, told everyone that they’d finish this conversation later. Scott showed no signs of acknowledgment when Stiles calmly approached him, stood right beside him, with enough distance between them to not make Scott feel cornered.
“ Are you okay?” Stiles eventually asked. Scott’s eyes that were on the stars, fell to his feet, things about him crumbling on top of each other.
“ I’m pissed.” Stiles nodded, like he deserved it.
“ Yeah, that makes sense. You have every right to be.”
“ Not because of the fucking nogitsune.” Scott groaned, his palms fisting like he was struggling to remain in control.
“ Then..”
“ The nogitsune killed Allison, Stiles. She – she died in my arms, and I didn’t even get to properly grieve her because of everything else that was happening. I barely – I wasn’t allowed the time to process any of it.” Stiles was silent, anticipating the accusation, the blame, the resentment.
“ But you were almost dying too. You looked like it, felt like it, and that was even before the diagnosis. Then – we were told what we were told, and you asked us to pack up and go on fucking vacation, and we did. I didn’t complain once, after the initial argument in your hospital room. I came here, and I did everything that was expected from me. I didn’t talk about anything sad or scary. I didn’t look at you differently. It was like it’d never happened, right?” Stiles didn’t know if Scott was expecting a response, but he gave it anyway, with another silent nod.
“ But for you to sit there and tell me that there’s a way out that you don’t want to take because you think we wouldn’t want you to? That’s fucking low, man. That’s just – I don’t have the words for it, honestly. It’s just wrong.”
“ Scott, I – I see you flinching, man, when I reach out to touch you. I can still feel the sword in my hands sometimes. I can feel it ripping through your skin, piercing through your organs, almost killing you. I – I feel myself trying to kill you.”
“ So fucking what? So what, Stiles? So, we’re a little traumatized. Isn’t it expected after everything? Don’t we get to be a little freaked out after everything that happened? Jesus Christ.” Scott ran his hands through his hair, then rubbed them against his face, frustration radiating off of him.
“ And I’m supposed to keep putting you through that? I’m – how am I expected to live with it, Scott?”
“ The same way we all are. If I – if I can sit here and function like a fucking human being after getting my heart torn to fucking shreds. If Ethan can live through losing the twin that was physically a part of him. If your dad, and Derek, and Cora can do it, then why the fuck can’t you?”
“ Because you all lost!” Stiles yelled, throwing his arms away, going a little crazy with the complete undermining of all the wrongs he’d done. “ You all lost. You didn’t – you didn’t take people away. You didn’t strip people from those who mattered most to them. You get to live with the grief, yes, with the pain, but not – not with this. Not with knowing that you tore your best friend’s heart to fucking shreds. Knowing that you caused Ethan to lose the twin that was physically a part of him. That you – you did everything wrong to the people you love the most.”
“ It wasn’t you!”
“ I know that! How many times have I fucking heard that? I know that it wasn’t me. I know that me – Stiles – would never do anything like this. But I also know that I let it in. That it was wearing my face when it watched Allison die, when it walked through the hospital and randomly killed people, when it stabbed your mom, and almost blew up my dad in the station. I know that everyone who died, saw my face last, knowing that this was why they were dying. Just like I know that if I step towards you now without any warning, you would flinch away.” And Stiles stepped towards Scott, like he was going to attack, but Scott didn’t move at all, didn’t even bat an eye. Stiles stood there, wide-eyed, feeling like every theory was falling apart, every assumption he’d taken as fact was getting denied.
“ Wrong again. We weren’t traumatized by you, we were traumatized by the nogitsune. The reason why I worry over you is because I’m scared for you, not of you, you asshole.”
“ So you would – you would be okay with me getting the bite?” Stiles’ lips started trembling, his eyes filling with tears again.
“ I wouldn’t be okay without it.” Scott wrapped around his best friend, both of them crying into each other.
“ I’m sorry for everything. Especially Allison.” Stiles choked out, burying it in Scott’s shoulder.
“ You don’t have to be.” Scott held on tighter.
The couple of days they had left at that house, were spent more easily, more comfortably. Like a weight had lifted off their collective shoulders, knowing that they had a plan now, that each of them would actively take part of. It gave them something to do, a way to be useful. Laughs came more frequently, and they were always louder, echoing long after they were meant to be over. Touches weren’t afraid anymore. Looks weren’t as long and sad. And Stiles started to realize all he was about to lose, all he could have left behind, if he’d let himself surrender.
When they made it back to Beacon Hills, they scattered for the first night, deciding to reunite at Deaton’s clinic the next day. Derek kissed Stiles long and hard, before letting him out of his car. Of course, Derek didn’t get much sleep that night, he spent it researching, looking through old books that his mother kept, shaking Cora awake every time he had a question about the wording of something. She groaned and whined, but he knew that she wanted to help. Scott came over at maybe 3 am, looking the way he did that night in the woods when he was bitten, like things were happening and he didn’t know how to keep up. He and Derek had a conversation about who would give the bite, how it was expected to go, and what they should be on the lookout for. Scott knew most of this information because he’d been bitten himself, and then he bit Liam, but this was Stiles, and he didn’t feel like he knew enough to stop something terrible from happening. Eventually, Derek guided him to the couch, told him to lay down until sleep came. And when it didn’t, he laid with him, as if teaching him how to let himself rest. Derek ended up asleep, cuddled up with Scott, until Cora woke them up for breakfast, after taking a few pictures and sending them to Stiles.
They had their breakfast, freshened up, then they went to pick Melissa and Isaac up. Malia and Kira would come together. Ethan, Jackson, and Lydia in a separate car. The sheriff and Stiles would be together of course. Liam, Mason, and Cory would be on standby, but really, they would probably be passed out still. When Derek parked in front of the clinic, all cars were there except for Malia’s. No surprise there, really. Derek, Cora, Scott, Melissa, and Isaac walked into the clinic, Derek immediately finding Stiles, and wrapping around him, like he’d missed him.
“ Good morning to you too.” Stiles smiled against Derek’s lips. “ So, I see you’re getting comfortable with Scott here, huh?” Stiles cocked his eyebrows towards Scott, referring to the pictures that Cora took. Scott raised his hands in a sign of surrender, but there was a comfortable grin on his face. Derek rolled his eyes, leaned in for another kiss.
“ Only you.”
“ Good answer.” Stiles hummed in contentment, letting his head rest against Derek’s shoulder, until everyone settled in, along with Malia and Kira.
“ So, everyone here understands what we are going to do. Mr. Stilinski will receive the bite from Mr. Hale, and then we will observe him for a few hours, before sending home if all goes well.” Deaton explained, calm and unbothered as ever.
“ Can it – what are some of the things that could go wrong?” The sheriff asked, feeling Melissa’s grounding presence beside him.
“ Well, the biggest one is that his body rejects the bite. There can be several reasons for that; if his body is too weak, or if he mentally rejects the bite so it manifests physically as well. In such cases, the bite is considered to be terminal. But, Mr. Stilinski is young and physically healthy, outside of his recent diagnosis, which hasn’t had the time to progress to the point of impairing his healing abilities. And he trusts Mr. Hale, and will verbally accept the bite before we proceed. So, the chances of the bite not taking, are very minimal.”
“ But they aren’t non-existent? Maybe we should wait, feed him better, more vegetables and green juices, strengthen his immune system before – I mean, he hasn’t been eating or sleeping well lately and – “
“ Dad,” Stiles pulled away from Derek, walked towards his father, and laid his hands against his shoulders, halting his obsessive rant. The sheriff looked at him, his eyes petrified, as if it’d suddenly registered, that he could lose his son, just like that.
“ Waiting will give the dementia more time to progress, and by the time we’re ready, it might be too late. You know how vicious this disease is, and – I don’t think we can afford to wait. But, if you’re uncomfortable with this decision, if you truly want me to wait, then, I – I will. I’m not doing this if you’re not 100% in it with me.” The sheriff breathed out, all shaky and restless, crashing against his son’s chest, and nodding against him.
“ I’m – I’m just scared, kid. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t.”
“ This is exactly why we’re doing this. I’m not going anywhere.” Stiles promised, closing his eyes and absorbing the feeling of his father against him. Just in case.
“ Yeah. I love you, Stiles. More than anything.”
“ I love you too, dad.” Stiles chuckled, and it came out wet, strangled.
“ Sorry, I’m sorry. This isn’t – it’s okay, we’re going to be okay.” The sheriff pulled away, wiped at his face, willing any further breakdown to wait until he was out of Stiles’ way. Stiles nodded, believing it.
“ Okay, I’m ready.” Stiles announced, to the room at large. Everyone – except for the parents and Derek - piled up around him, touching and holding and needing and comforting, all at the same time. When each of them started to let go, Scott was left, clinging, attaching.
“ You can’t start crying too, oh my God, I won’t be able to keep it together if you do.” Stiles warned, and Scott shook his head against him, knowing that he was just about to start, and if he did, then he wouldn’t be able to stop.
“ No, no crying. I just love you, man, and I need you back in one piece, okay?”
“ You got it.” Stiles grinned, hugged Scott for a bit longer, patted his back in encouragement before letting go.
“ We need one person here to anchor each of them. A person for Mr. Stilinski, another for Mr. Hale. The others can wait outside.” Cora stepped aside, standing next to her brother. Scott and the sheriff looked at one another, before the sheriff smiled at Scott, took Melissa’s hand in his and followed the others out.
“ You’ll be more useful to him. Take care of him.” The sheriff whispered, taking a final look at his son, before closing the door behind him.
Stiles breathed out, blinked the tears away. He took off his shirt, jumped to sit on the metal table in the middle of the room, and waited until Scott stood next to him, with a hand on his shoulder. Derek stood behind him, Cora next to him. Deaton stepped aside, giving instructions if and when needed.
“ Are you sure you want to do this?” Derek asked, one last time. Stiles nodded, then he remembered that he had to vocalize his approval, so he gave a confident yes out loud. Derek put a clawed hand to Stiles’ shoulder, angled his head away to have a clear view of his neck.
“ Scott, if – if something happens, don’t let my dad spiral again, okay? You have to promise me that you won’t let him be alone for the rest of his life. And – Derek too. Take care of him if – if I –“ Stiles was desperate, he looked it and sounded it and even smelled of it, as he took Scott’s hand and squeezed past the trembling.
“ Nothing is going to happen to you. But you know I will never just abandon your dad. Or Derek. We’re family.” Scott looked over Stiles’ shoulder, and directly at Derek, making sure he saw the sincerity in his eyes, in case he missed it in his heartbeat. Derek silently nodded.
Derek put a finger to Stiles’ neck, marking the area he would have to bite into, and then he just did. Cora was yelling out over Stiles’ screams, telling him when he needed to go deeper, and when he had to pull back. Stiles lost consciousness, and Scott eased him into a laying position. Derek went to wash away the blood from his mouth, feeling the taste somewhere in his throat. He felt like throwing up, leaning against the sink in Deaton’s back room. Nothing was coming out because he knew he hadn’t swallowed anything. The nausea still wasn’t subsiding, and every time he went to go check on Stiles, something crawled up his throat a bit higher, stuck somewhere by the end of his tongue, like if he opened his mouth, it would all pour out of him. Cora rubbed comforting hands around his back, assuring him that Stiles’ heart was steady, that nothing bad was happening, despite the pit of doom that had opened up in his stomach.
It took Deaton almost eight hours before he told the sheriff that he could take Stiles home, and alert him if anything unusual started happening. Cora, Derek, Scott, and Melissa decided to go with them, none of them able to detach, to let go. Cora drove because Derek was still reeling with anxiety, and Melissa was in the backseat. Scott laid Stiles down, with his head against his lap, and let the sheriff drive them home, giving him updates regarding Stiles’ heartbeat every couple of minutes. When they got home, Scott and Cora carried Stiles up to his room. Derek went into the kitchen with Melissa and the sheriff, where she made them some herbal tea to calm their nerves. The sheriff had a hand on Derek’s shoulder that didn’t release until their tea cups were empty. Cora, Scott and Melissa were on the couch in the living room, aimlessly changing channels. The sheriff went to lay down in his room, and Derek went to check up on Stiles. He ended up falling asleep, with his head in his hands, hunched over by Stiles’ bed, like he was praying.
He didn’t know how long it took him, before he was groaning, his neck aching with the uncomfortable position he was sleeping in, dried drool on the sheets where his open mouth rested. He stretched, eyes still tiredly closed, when he noticed a slight change in the sound that had coaxed him to sleep. He squinted a single eye opened, to find Stiles grinning at him, eyes as golden as the sun staring back.
“ Holy shit, you – you’re awake. Are you okay? Does anything feel off?” Derek stood, everything that was stiff and achy forgotten, as he took Stiles’ face in his palms.
“ I’m okay. I feel good. Great, even.”
“ Really?” Derek could have wailed out with relief, if Stiles wasn’t putting his hands over his, pulling him downwards until their lips connected.
“ Really. I think it worked.” Stiles assured. And everything that was tense and coiled so tight about Derek, loosened up, released all at the same time, that he was almost faint, dizzy with so many good things.
Derek announced that they would take Stiles to the hospital, re-do all the previous tests, just to be 100% sure that there would be no more ghosts in the closet, nothing that would pop out of nowhere when they were least expecting it and just take Stiles away after they’d gotten even more used to him. Melissa, Scott, and the sheriff tagged along, but Cora was done with her brother’s paranoid antics, decided to go home and sleep that horrid day off. Lydia and Malia were in the hospital’s waiting room by the time Stiles was exiting the MRI room. Melissa came out less than 15 minutes later, with the good news that there was absolutely nothing abnormal about Stiles’ tests. And Derek circled around him so tightly, he could have broken a few bones, if Stiles wasn’t a werewolf with super strength now. Not just any werewolf, he was Derek’s beta. His mate. The love of his life. And Derek was his. Something straight out of a wildest dream, if he really let himself think about it. But he wouldn’t. He was done thinking. He just wanted to live and to love.