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(Songhwa-ya,)
“I’m getting married.”
When Songhwa received a text from Ikjun asking to meet her for lunch, she never would have, in a million years, expect to hear that sentence coming out from his lips.
As she sits in front of him in this restaurant he’d reserved -- one of their favourite spots, she muses sorrowfully -- Songhwa is rendered speechless. Her smile falters, just a little though, and she finds herself directing her gaze at the wedding invitation card placed carefully in front of her. In that short pause which seems to stretch for an eternity, his words finally sinking in, Songhwa’s mind blanks out by itself.
(Can I tell you something?)
Three seconds.
It takes her only three seconds to recompose herself, to sit up straighter and to raise her head so that she is now looking at him again. She reminds herself to breathe, clasping her hands together tightly underneath the table so that they don't tremble.
It takes her only three seconds for the smile she’d had on before to grace her face again, one that she hopes would come off as sincere, because of course she is happy to hear that announcement from her best friend. Why wouldn’t she be?
“Wow, Lee Ikjun.” She chuckles, ignoring the irrationale way her heart is reacting to his statement. “Congratulations. I honestly didn’t see that coming.”
Ikjun flashes his signature schoolboy grin she is used to seeing, that grin that had once upon a time ignited fire within her youthful soul. That grin she had once upon a time spent nights thinking about before she fell asleep. It is happy news indeed, yet it feels like someone had just reached into her heart and squeezed it tightly. She almost couldn’t breathe.
“Yeah, I mean...can you believe it?” Ikjun says, “I’m actually settling down.”
(Even if these words may never reach you.
Even if I would never muster enough courage to tell you.)
Songhwa gathers her strength to push all disarrayed emotions to the back of her mind -- this isn’t the time to be sentimental, she chides herself. Instead, she nods. “Our resident playboy Lee Ikjun is finally going to be tied down, huh?”
Ikjun looks a little bashful to hear that, rubbing the nape of his neck. “You make it sound like I was some sort of casanova.”
“Weren’t you?” Songhwa teases, remembering all the girls Ikjun had dated in university. It was just an exaggerated recount, to be honest - Ikjun had always been sincere in each of his relationships; they just never seemed to last for a long time. By then, her heart is calm, and it no longer hurts that much recalling a distant memory. Ikjun pouts slightly, and Songhwa leans over the table to nudge his arm playfully. “I’m just kidding.”
The smile on his face returns, his gaze lingers on hers. Silence stretches on between them, neither knowing what to say next, the words caught in their throats.
(It’s a secret I’ve been keeping for many, many years now.)
There is this sort of melancholy smile that Songhwa gives Ikjun, one that he could easily read, being her best friend for more than a decade. She picks up the wedding invitation, fingers gently tracing the cursive words embossed on the card, as if she is deep in her thoughts. Ikjun wishes, for once, that he could read her mind. He holds his breath without realising, wishing she would say something, wishing that there is some indication from her that breaking this news to her individually, instead of together with the rest of the gang, wasn't a mistake.
Songhwa keeps her eyes trained on the wedding invitation, finding little to no strength to look at the man sitting opposite her. There are just too many emotions building up within her, feelings she had assumed had been lost forever, that it is starting to become really difficult for her to think straight. She hates this. She hates that her heart is still reacting like this even if it has been so many years. She truly hates this vulnerability she is displaying, this inability to act like she is truly and without any reservation, happy for him, her best friend. And she feels terrible .
The words eventually slip out of her mouth, her voice so soft that Ikjun nearly misses it. “Hyejeong...you love her, don’t you?”
He is a little taken aback to hear that question; Ikjun couldn’t decipher what Songhwa’s intention was when she asked him that. “Yeah,” His expression mirrors hers when he answers. “I do.”
(Perhaps it will be a secret I will carry with me for the rest of my life.)
Songhwa finally glances at his direction, meeting his gaze. If she looks hard enough, she could even see the swirls of mixed emotions in Ikjun’s eyes. In that moment, in the deepest recesses of her heart, Songhwa thinks that maybe she knows why he is looking at her like that.
Like there are unspoken words that neither dared to say, dared to thread the fine line cautiously drawn between them. Words that have maybe, if Songhwa indulges in her wishful thinking, existed within them since years and years ago. They are words that could change everything between them. Words they just couldn’t say to each other, words carved in their hearts perhaps forever, but buried deep within in the name of fear and friendship.
It is too late to find those words now, so Songhwa resorts to giving him another smile. That is all she could afford to do for him, because words are failing her at the moment. “Then, I’m glad. I’m really glad, Ikjun-ah.”
She waits, wondering if he would say something in reply to her. He doesn’t.
( Songhwa-ya,)
Ikjun’s wedding day arrives faster than she would have imagined.
Her heart is calm, her mind resolute. She takes a deep breath, stepping into the hall to marvel at the beautiful flowers adorning the platform, all the way to the altar. Songhwa doesn’t dare to think of anything else for now, her eyes settling on Jeongwon as he waves at her enthusiastically. Her smile is automatic when she reaches her friends, and they naturally fall into a conversation about the groom and his bride.
She’d seen him earlier at the entrance, greeting all the guests. Ikjun in a suit, one that is tailored for this special occasion -- he’d always looked good in suits, the thought flitted into her mind as quickly as it faded away. Those were exactly her words when she reached him, the way of her delivery playful and teasing. His response was to laugh, and before he could talk to her longer, more guests had arrived behind her. She took the opportunity to leave, assuring him that they would get the chance to talk after.
(This is my secret to you. Listen carefully, alright?)
Now, hearing her friends talk about Ikjun getting married; Songhwa’s smile begins to falter. She thinks it is almost selfish for her to feel this way, so Songhwa keeps mum throughout their conversation, occasionally only responding with a nod or a curt reply. It is an internal battle within her, of a conflict that she thought she’d kept at bay, thought she’d prepared enough for this day.
When the ceremony starts and the bride begins to walk in with her father, accompanied by the sound of the piano, it is when all those pent up feelings start to rise within her, the finality of the situation hitting her squarely in her chest. The light dims, focusing only on the bride and the groom, and Songhwa is extremely thankful for that. She puts on the bravest expression she could muster, even though her eyes are glassy with long suppressed tears.
(Before Hyejeong, there was you first.)
These aren’t tears of happiness, is what she concludes eventually. An awful admittance lurking in her mind since the day Ikjun had announced his engagement. These are salty dews of longing and regret spanning many years of innocent desire, tears that reflect how she truly feels for Lee Ikjun, her best friend, her first love. These are tears she feels angry to be shedding at the moment, because what right does she have to be feeling this way on what is supposed to be a joyous celebration? She should have known better. She is no longer the naive, wide-eyed girl she was back in university after all, the one who'd recognised Ikjun during Orientation as the boy who had given her a scrunchie during the interview for med school. How can she feel upset over something, over someone she has never had in the first place?
( Before Hyejeong, I loved you first.)
Today, as Songhwa looks at her best friend and his wife-to-be, she allows herself to imagine, for one last time, what it would be like if she’d confessed to him many years ago in their university days. For the last time, she closes her eyes and wonders how different their lives would have turned out to be had she said something then, had she mustered enough courage to speak with her heart rather than her mind. Songhwa wallows in all the what-ifs and all the could-have-beens , because after today, she would have lost all the rights to tinker with her imagination.
After today, she would have to really, and finally, let go.
(It’s quite difficult, you know, to let you go. It’s difficult because in my heart, it isn’t just the past that should be forgotten, but the future -- the future that I wished we could spend together)
By the time the hall is filled with light again, Songhwa would have brushed all her tears away. She would have acted normally, as if nothing had just happened. None of her friends would have realised there was something wrong with her, because Songhwa is already laughing and smiling with them. It is an act so pretentious that she could feel the growing frustration building within herself. All she could do is to swallow that annoyance, because it isn't something she can show to her friends.
When the ceremony ends, Junwan ushers them towards the stage to take pictures with the groom and the bride. As they approach the happy couple, there is already a quiet acceptance settling within her heart. A quiet acceptance that perhaps, this is for the best. Perhaps, this is how she could finally move on from this nostalgic yearning that had lasted way too long for her liking.
( Maybe in another lifetime. Maybe in another universe,
I would have enough courage to confess to you.)
Still, Songhwa struggles to put on a genuine smile, but she does it anyway because it is Ikjun standing in front of her. Ikjun who deserves all the happiness in the world, Ikjun who makes her heart stutter even till this day. Ikjun who isn’t hers and will never be. She smiles, even if it isn’t her standing beside him at the altar. She smiles, because it is only right that she does.
She meets his eyes and time seems to slow down between them. He holds her gaze and gives her this small smile -- as if to thank her for coming, and Songhwa feels her heart clenching because there it is again. That subtle look he is giving her. She pretends not to notice it but it is difficult not to when she could read Ikjun like an open book. He wears his heart on his sleeves after all.
She wants to think that maybe that is his way of telling her that he is sorry, maybe that is his way of conveying that even if the woman he is marrying today isn’t her, that in some ways or another, he still loves her. Not in the way he loves his wife, but maybe in a way that first loves do -- innocent and pure, scattered with a little bit of sorrow and heartache, etched forever in a special place in the deepest corners of their hearts. A first love that hurts, but a first love she is glad she’d had the privilege to experience -- because loving Lee Ikjun had indeed been a privilege to her. Even if he never is hers to begin with.
(Maybe we would have been together, you and I. Maybe then we could have made each other happier.)
Because despite all the internal feelings of conflict she is battling, Songhwa is sincerely, and wholeheartedly glad that he has found his happiness, that he has found someone he could share his forever with. She has known from the very beginning that Ikjun’s happiness does not lie with her -- and that, Songhwa thinks, is something she has long accepted as a fact.
Now that he is married, things would inevitably change between them. They would not be able to hang out with each other alone, so casually and nonchalant over everything else as they laugh over sujebi and nurungji . They would not be able to go for a late night drive when it is raining. Now that Ikjun has his own family, Songhwa knows that she would no longer be a priority to him. When she calls, he wouldn’t be able to answer right away. She may even have to think twice before dialling his number now, knowing his wife may not like it if she calls too often.
(We would be in a world where I was yours, and you were mine.)
But Songhwa knows one thing that wouldn’t change for sure -- Lee Ikjun will always be her best friend, and that should be enough. No, she mentally shakes her head, that is enough.
Songhwa takes a deep breath. When she exhales, she makes a promise to herself that she would never dwell on this feeling again. The next time she sees Ikjun again, she promises to be content with just being his best friend. She would love him in the same manner she loves the rest of her other best friends, unconditional and completely platonic. That is something she thinks she could live with.
She beams at Ikjun. “Congratulations once again.”
Ikjun beams back - another shared moment just between them. She wonders if this would be their last. “Thank you, Songhwa-ya.”
"Don't be a stranger after this." She jokes, but deep down she fears that there will be a partial truth in that statement.
"To you?" Ikjun's eyes crinkle into a smile. "Never."
(Maybe then, just...maybe then, I would have enough courage to tell you that I love you.
I will always love you.)