Archive of Our Own ^beta

Lee Felix was a mystery for Hwang Hyunjin.

Not in the “you’re appalling and astound the shit out of me, kindly stay away from me forever” way. That was reserved for Jisung and Jisung only.

No, Felix was a mystery in the softest sense of the mere concept. It was going from his pastel pink hair to the bold typo tattooed on the back of his neck spelling something Hyunjin (frustratingly) couldn’t read, the most comforting smile Hyunjin had ever experienced, to the coldest stare that put Antarctica to shame when this one guy kept asking questions about things their professor just told. At last, after long and invested researches, Hyunjin had concluded Felix didn’t have a lot of patience but had a heart as pure as the driven snow.

However, it didn’t stop him from making the Worst Decision Ever. And breaking Hyunjin’s heart in the process.

From the back of the auditorium, Hyunjin could see the mass of pastel hair move in response to their lecturer. He didn’t need to see his face to know that Felix was furrowing his eyebrow, pouting his lips, or nodding eagerly at each new piece of information that was given to them. It was cute. Felix was cute.

It was only when the person next to him coughed and gave him a tight smile that Hyunjin caught up that the lecture had ended and he was very much blocking the entire row. Apologizing profusely and quickly gathering his stuff, the humiliation was washed out as he noticed that Felix was talking to the lecturer.

Putting everything in his bag without bothering to tidy anything, Hyunjin hurtled down the stairs, bumping into the corner of a table. Pain started throbbing into his thigh. Someone out there must have been taken pity out of him because Felix stopped for a second, checking out his phone.

“Felix, wait!”

Hyunjin put his hand on Felix’s shoulder and immediately removed it as his friend’s body tensed up visibly and he spun around, hands defensively holding his arms. The spark of fear in Felix’s eyes vanished as he met Hyunjin’s and he chuckled nervously.

“Oh Hyunjin, it’s you.”

“Yes that’s- it’s me,” stuttered Hyunjin, putting his hands in his pockets, trying not to let his agitation be shown.

“How are you?” asked Felix after a few moments of silence, clutching his pink and white binder against his chest. It had stickers on it and Hyunjin tried to look away from it, knowing perfectly well who made half of it.

“I’m fine, I was just wondering is it still up for our photoshoot?”

“Oh yes about that… I can’t this weekend, I’m sorry. But I really want to do it, so let’s just reschedule if that’s fine with you?”

“No problem! As long as you’re still up for it it’s good,” said Hyunjin, too quickly for it to be natural and he cursed himself for his awkwardness. 

Thankfully, Felix was too nice to say anything and give him a toothy smile, his eyes crinkling into two little moons. “You’re too nice, thanks Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin didn’t have the heart to correct him that he was not nice, he was just very selfish. Officially, it was a project for Hyunjin’s portfolio and Felix was paid for that, informally. Hyunjin was desperate to get a good shot of Felix without being creepy. The last point was a mid-success in any case, but he could at least make the experience a bit more bearable for Felix by giving him some extra money he knew he needed anyway.

“Well I’m going to go now, Sung is waiting for me,” said Felix with a little laugh, and Hyunjin resisted the sudden wish to disappear once he realized he had let the silence drag on and was just blankly staring at the fake pink gems Felix had put under his eyes. “It was nice, let’s talk more soon, ok Jinnie?”

“O- of course, I need to go to anyway. Because I’m not going to stay here. In the classroom. Because someone probably has class after and- nevermind I’m sorry, bye Lix.” 

“You’re cute Hwang Hyunjin,” sighed Felix, leaving a last gentle pat on the cheek of a petrified Hyunjin before exiting the amphitheater.

An obnoxious cough snapped Hyunjin out of his frozen state. Even if his palm had the mark of the strap of the bag he had been holding too tightly, Hyunjin bowed deeply to his professor and before he could say anything, followed Felix’s steps, a new warmth in his stomach and cheekbones.

But his good mood found his end in what awaited him behind the door.

On his phone, in front of the exit, someone a bit too familiar was waiting. Blue hair and heavy makeup standing out in the crowd of faceless students, Jisung lifted his head as Felix’s called his name and threw himself at him.

The warmth morphed into a tight and uncomfortable grip, Hyunjin could only witness the enamored smile and kiss Jisung and Felix exchanged, oblivious to the world around them.

So excited Hyunjin could actually see the gums in his mouth, Jisung started talking frantically at a fond Felix who just nodded to something Hyunjin couldn’t hear. 

Forcing himself to look away when Felix whipped a stain of chocolate on Jisung’s cheeks, Hyunjin met the raised eyebrow of Seungmin, looking straight at him from next to the couple. A grimace was the only answer he could give and Hyunjin halfheartedly made his way into the crowd to get to his best friend.

“Please don’t say anything,” he whispered as soon as Seungmin was in an earshot.

“It’s nothing you don’t know already anyway,” said Seungmin, looking back at his phone. “Yeji is already home and she asks you to stop being a whiny bitch and bring her ice cream.”

“She doesn’t even know I’m whining, you’re making it up!”

“Women’s power, don’t question it.”

A cry next to them instinctively made Hyunjin turn his head and feel his heart drop when the scene of Felix laughing and gently framing Jisung’s face into his hands. 

“I can’t kiss you, stop it,” said Felix softly, squishing Jisung’s cheeks as the other pouted even more.

“It’s been one week it’s too long, why did you pierce your tongue, I want kisses...”

“And you will have to wait two more weeks,” it was as Jisung was announced the end of the world as his face fell, making Felix laugh harder. “Whiny baby.”

As if Seungmin felt Hyunjin’s physical pain, he coughed to caught his attention back. The lump in Hyunjin’s throat didn’t seem to want to go away, even as he smiled brightly at his friend.

“Don’t make this face Minnie, I’m fine.”

“I’ll believe you when you won’t look like you’re going to burst into tears in the next five seconds,” the tone was harsh but the hand rubbing the back of his neck was tender. “Let’s just go.”

It was useless to argue with Seungmin but it didn’t stop Hyunjin from glancing a last time in the direction of his heartbreak. Maybe it was the heavy makeup or the blue lenses that made Jisung’s eyes so piercing as he stared right through Hyunjin but he did not let himself linger.

Hyunjin pretended not to see the eyes of Jisung piercing through him as Felix pressed a kiss on his cheek.

Muscles straining as he straightened and caught up on Seungmin who was still texting, there was no doubt left. Hyunjin was fucked and knew it was too late to do anything about it.

☾✦☾

There was a noise in his apartment.

Hyunjin, under the mocking text of his sister and best friend, had logically first thought of a ghost. When Seungmin proposed to bring an ouija board, Hyunjin almost cried. If his binge-watching of BuzzFeed Unsolved has taught one thing, it is that willingly bringing an ouija board into one’s safe space was a fucking bad idea.

But it’s been now four hours and the noise hadn’t died down yet and Hyunjin was now alone with certainly a ghost. Needless to say, he wasn’t feeling good about that. To distract himself, Hyunjin had first tried doing the essay due a few days later. After the fifth time of accidentally writing “freckles” instead of “finances”, he had simply given up. Writing his next video would have the same results and despite his best effort, Hyunjin ended up on Netflix.

He could have almost forgotten why did he had tried to distract himself in the first place as he silently insulted Francisco (the man was purely stupid at this point, Alba was way too good for him if he should have a say in it) when a scream rang out behind him.

It was ignorable until now but the cry sounded too loud and sad for Hyunjin to just continue to watch his show anymore. He was starting to hate every man on it anyway. 

Being on the ground floor meant a lot of things, and weird noises were one of them. From flushing sound to the rumble of pipe at night, Hyunjin had his fair share of inconvenience and now knew mostly where they came from. Grabbing a baseball bat lying around and some rope, Hyunjin took a deep breath and went into the room next to his apartment.

Musty and damp was one way to put it, the room only truly used by plumbers and angry residents whose water had stopped running. The light flickered to finally come steady and letting Hyunjin get a good look at the situation. 

Almost disappointingly, everything was normal. Not willing to spend his afternoon here, a quick tour of the room was more than enough for Hyunjin. At least he could say he had tried.

It was only as he was locking the door that a new shriek was heard. Hyunjin froze and stared at the key already in the hole, ready to be close. This time he was sure, it was not a human cry, but more like a yowl. Even if he left now, someone else would probably take care of it, right?

“Fuck it, my god Yeji is going to kill me,” finally broke Hyunjin, twisting the key and opening the door wide open.

At his right, in the middle of the pipes and the dusty floor, a hole in the floor was suspiciously making some noise. How Hyunjin didn’t notice earlier was a mystery really.

The flashlight of his phone confirmed to him that the hole wasn’t that deep and a little form was moving at the end of it. The light must have caught the animal’s attention because it looked up for Hyunjin to meet two big eyes of a kitten. 

“How did you even get here, kitty…” whispered softly Hyunjin to his local kitty ghost who had been disturbing him all day.

Blinking slowly, the small cat just yawned and coughed. Now noticing how cold the room actually was and how soaked the kitten looked, Hyunjin felt the pressure of time on his back. He didn’t know for how much time he was there but it was probably already too much. 

So, as every good Gen Z would do, Hyunjin googled it. In the end, setting his heart in an article efficiently named How to Get Kittens Out of a Hole. True to its title, the step they described sounded simple enough that even Hyunjin could do it without panicking too bad.

It only half succeeded and Hyunjin had to make a detour to the “anxiety control your breath” app on his phone, resisting the urge to cry and call Seungmin. He could do things on his own, he was not a baby anymore nor a teen anymore. Everything was in the past, and there was a kitten who needed his help right now.

The steps the article gave didn’t look like much on paper - well, screen - but once Hyunjin found himself one hour later, fingers smelling of tuna and vegetable oil, an old shirt ripped next to him and a greasy kitten on his laps, he could confidently say it was the most exercise he did these past few months. Years. Since Seungmin thought hitting the gym would be a great bonding experience to share with Chan and Hyunjin had been a collateral damage of this decision.

One thing was sure, he will never get in a gym with Seungmin again, and- god the kitten stank. 

“You smell,” quietly said Hyunjin to the animal who only mewled at him in response.

Wrapping carefully the cat in the fluffy blanket he previously got from his house - and mourning it, this blanket was never going to find its original colors again - Hyunjin went straight to his bathroom, miraculously avoiding meeting any of his neighbors. He wasn’t sure how to explain how he got a dirty kitty to his landlord.

Under actual light and water, it was more clear the cat’s fur was pitch black and their eyes clear blue. It was also tiny. Fits-into-Hyunjin’s-hand tiny. And if Hyunjin knew one thing about himself is that he was a sucker for tiny things.

“I can’t let you stay like that, can I?”

It was concerning how quickly Hyunjin had been used to talk to the cat like that. He thought it only happened after maybe the fourth month of having an animal, at the stage you’re starting to go a bit crazy by how much you love them. Not four hours. But here was Hyunjin, talking to a small fluff black ball with already too much personality for him to handle properly.

Should he keep it? 

An apartment was only so much fun when alone and Hyunjin had been thinking about getting a roommate for a while now. Maybe a cat won’t pay rent but also would give him the emotional support he sought. Hyunjin shook his head. Nope. No. It was a bad idea, he was not going to take a cat.

First, Hyunjin didn’t even remember to eat every day, how could he remember to feed a cat? Second, someday Hyunjin couldn’t even get out of bed, what was the cat going to do? Thirdly, veterinarians were expensive and-

Hyunjin stopped immediately writing. The last word he marked on his note app mocking him obnoxiously. Veterinarians. How did he forget to bring the cat to the veterinarian as soon as he got the little thing out?

Desperate, Hyunjin looked at the time and the ‘11:00 pm’ confirmed him he spends way too much time saving the cat and it was also way too late to find a proper veterinarian now.

Usually, Hyunjin would simply call Seungmin and try to figure something out with him but he also knew about how tired he was these days and he could not bring himself to wake him up now.

Ugh, if only the vegetable oil didn’t make it so slippery, he could have saved at least one hour and veterinarians could have still been open…

It’s fine. He shouldn’t panic. It wasn’t like Hyunjin didn’t know a lot of people, surely one of them must have some experience with animals.

Looking at his reflection in the mirror, Hyunjin scoffed. His hair desperately needed a haircut and the dark circles seemed to grow darker every day. Thank god he didn’t meet anyone today, especially-

“Oh no-” Hyunjin gasped at the mirror, and the pure horror that appeared for a moment on his face made him pause and snicker. How dramatic can someone be really? Squatting to get down to the kitten level, Hyunjin whispered to it like a secret. “Kitty, should I do that? I can’t do that right?”

Rubbing his muzzle against the hand held toward him, the kitten seemed tiny. The tiniest thing Hyunjin has seen. This situation was so stupid, he wasn’t going to let this tiny tiny animal down just because he couldn’t pull himself together.

The dizziness of getting up suddenly didn’t stop Hyunjin from grabbing his phone and dialing the number quickly before he could chicken out. After a pensive look, Hyunjin decided to take the kitten and his fluffy blanket in his arm.

“You’re officially my emotional support cat now. No taking back.”

The big breath he took before pressing the “call” button almost made him dizzy but it was ringing soundly before he could decide to retreat.

“Hello? Hyunjin?” A deep voice answered, startling Hyunjin just a bit (he caught the kitten before he fell on the floor, everything was fine, the situation was totally in control).

“Yes, Lix, you’re working in an animal hospital, right?”

“Yes, why? I didn’t know you had a pet.”

“Well, it’s kind of an awkward situation and a bit weird to explain on the phone-”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sending you the address of the hospital and meet you there, ok?”

“You’re an angel.”

Hyunjin hanged up before Felix could say anything back. A small meowing from the kitten in his arm made him look down and meet a judgmental little thing. No living being should have eyes this sharp. Especially when Hyunjin just saved them and he was about to meet his crush.

“Oh it’s fine, don’t judge me like that, you look like Seungmin…” grumbled Hyunjin, carefully rewrapping the kitten into the fluffy blanket to make sure he was safe.

When Hyunjin saved the kitten, he admittedly didn’t think of any consequences this could have except well, an alive kitten. Not once he had thought oh what if it was actually the devil reincarnated and absolutely REFUSED TO GO IN HIS CAR.

Hands destroyed and hair messier than it’s been in a while, Hyunjin took the road with an angry kitten on his laps, said kitten crying like he was getting butchered. Little shit.

Street lights barely allowed him to see anything around him but fortunately, Felix was standing outside the small hospital and waved as Hyunjin approached with his precious cargo.

“Look at that, what a little thing,” cooed Felix, taking the blanket and kitten in his arms.

As if he knew he was in the arms of the best person on earth, the kitten meowled enthusiastically, making Felix laugh and Hyunjin glare at him. Why wasn’t he this nice in the car with him, uh? To be fair, he couldn’t blame him but his hands have enough scratches to be at least a bit resentful.

The interior of the hospital smelled like disinfectant but was unexpectedly a warm color that relaxed Hyunjin subconsciously. Pet hospitals were so much better than humans hospitals already. 

The lady at the front desk smiled at Felix as he passed in front of her, Hyunjin behind him who bowed at her quickly before following Felix and the noisy kitten.

It was evident Felix was experienced in what he did and as he asked some questions, he handled the kitten with all the care in the world. When the cat got annoyed at his tail being examined and tried to bite Felix, he only laughed and kissed his muzzle, whispering it was almost over.

If he wasn’t halfway in love already, Hyunjin surely would have been gone for.

It was only when Hyunjin had already silently conceptualized the plan of their future garden and house with at least ten pets that Felix returned to him, after going to another room with no cat but a large smile.

“This little guy is all good! You took really good care of him, I’m impressed, to be honest. I’m glad you called me to, good reflex!”

Hyunjin nodded with a tight smile. Admitting that he did in fact almost not come and completely forgot in the first place was nothing anyone needed to be informed about. Ignorance is bliss. The smile slipped off Felix’s face a brief second but while it returned in a blink of eyes, it didn’t have the same brightness.

“Everything’s good?” asked carefully Hyunjin, observing Felix fumbling with the papers on the table.

“Yes!” shouted Felix, but he deflated meeting Hyunjin’s worried expression. “Yes, it’s just… black cats are less likely to be adopted… You know superstition and stuff. And I- I just don’t want this little guy to stay here forever, he’s so tiny and deserves a family-”

“I’ll adopt him.”

“What?”

“I said, I’ll adopt him. I brought him to you, I might as well keep him. Plus, we have already kind of bonded and- Wait, no, don’t cry!”

“I’m sorry, it’s been a long day and you’re so nice and-” Felix sniffed loudly, and blew his nose on a random tissue that laid around the table. Hyunjin wasn’t sure it was very hygienic but felt also that going to ask for tissues at the front desk would end up in an awkward situation.

As Hyunjin was about to step out and do something stupid like hug Felix, the door slammed open.

“Hello, love of my life!” 

Ah.

“Hi, you!” Felix’s gasp as Jisung left a quick peck on his cheek made Hyunjin look away.

It was a cruel deja vu but this time there was no Seungmin to take his hand. Grabbing a random paper on the table, Hyunjin sat on it right after, pretending to let the couple have some privacy. The paper turned out to be full of numbers Hyunjin didn’t understand and didn’t wish to.

Morbid curiosity was too strong for Hyunjin to resist and not look at the couple out of the corner of his eye.

“Did…” Hyunjin didn’t miss the quick glance in his direction but Felix’s attention was taken back by a small whine of Jisung, making him smile and play further with the hair in his neck. “Did everything gone well?”

“Yes! She would like to see you next consultation if you’re ok with it, by the way.”

“Of course, if you’re fine with it and want me here, I would.”

The happy noise Jisung made threw Hyunjin off the loop for a second. Why did he find Han Jisung actually cute for a second? Hyunjin could deal with one unrequited crush, he done it before and apparently didn’t die but two? Two? What was wrong with him? 

It was more the perspective of getting his heart double-broken that Hyunjin feared more than to like two people at the same time. Watching Jisung stroke Felix’s cheeks and coo over his embarrassment, Hyunjin knew. It was probably too late.

“Wait were you crying?” Noticed Jisung ( Finally, thought Hyunjin), and immediately glared at the other person which unfortunately was Hyunjin. Taken aback, his only reaction was to throw his hand up, poor proof of his innocence. “Is it-”

“No! No, don’t worry, Hyunjin is actually doing me a big favor so be nice to him, ok?”

“I’m always nice…”

“You sure are,”

“I’m going to get the papers for the adoption now, don’t kill each other while I’m gone!”

“No promise!” cried Jisung as Felix gave him a flying kiss one more time before closing the door behind him.

After that, a long silence stretched out in the room which seemed a lot smaller than it was before. The curled cats on the poster did little to distract Hyunjin as his gaze ultimately came back to the slim figure of Jisung. 

Bored, the latter was loudly munching some gums he found in his pocket and was looking at his phone, his foot tapping a rhythm neither of them could hear. His face was bare of makeup today, making him look softer and his cheeks plumper. Hyunjin huffed, turning back his attention to a description of what the tail of a dog meant about their mood. His contemplation of the small cartoon puppy was broken by an obnoxious cough and by reflex or lack of survival instinct, Hyunjin turned back to Jisung who was already looking at him intensely.

“Hwang.”

“Han.”

This was probably the most awkward interaction Hyunjin ever had in his life and he had once had a subscriber jump on him in the street, yelling his name. After reflection, Hyunjin thought he would rather get jumped in the street every day instead of being stuck in a room with Jisung. Jisung sighed and Hyunjin unconsciously prepared himself for what was about to come.

“Listen, it makes Felix sad to see us fight, so I’m willing to do an effort for him,” Jisung paused, passing a hand in his hair, the bouncing of his legs intensifying. “Are you?”

“Yeah. Yes, of course,” Hyunjin answered carefully, trying to decipher something in Jisung’s face. Something that told him this whole conversation wasn’t recorded to frame me with Felix so he would never talk to him again and-

“How much?”

The words rang into the silent room for a beat, while Hyunjin pulled himself together enough to ask quietly. “Sorry?”

“How far are you willing to go for him?” 

The answer choked up in his throat as a door behind him opened. By Jisung’s sudden bright expression, Hyunjin knew he was saved by the cause of all of his problems.

“Oh, so you didn’t rip each other’s throat, nice,” Felix said enthusiastically, throwing a bunch of paper at the nearest table. “By the way, Sung, did you do your assignment?”

“Oh no don’t worry, I have plenty of time to do it!”

“Look at your google agenda, beloved.”

Jisung’s face visibly paled as he checked out his phone and Hyunjin couldn’t help but feel bad for him. “Oh fuck- We need to go!”

“Go ahead, I’ll get back to you later,” said Felix, leaving a last kiss on Jisung’s lips as he stuffed his phone in his bag. “You’ll do well, love you.” 

As Jisung brushed past him, Hyunjin felt a shiver running through his body at the whispered voice, too close, too much. “Lunch, tomorrow, 11 am, myeongdong station, exit 3. Don’t be late.”

☾✦☾

Hyunjin’s recent Google search history: how to take care of a kitten, what does poison looks like, is going out w ur nemesis a bad idea, why are kitten so noisy, pisces virgo compatibility

☾✦☾

“Hello everyone and welcome to juridically the worst channel on the internet, thank you for tuning in!”

Ignoring his sister scoffing next to him, Hyunjin smiled widely. The familiar set of his big camera and artificial light was comforting for him and he could feel the bubbly adrenaline that came with filming slowly rise in him.

“As you can see, today I’m with my twin sister Yeji,” at his side, Yeji waved at the camera and before he could continue, a small weight hopped on his lap. Laughing, Hyunjin took the kitten in his arm and raised him to showed him carefully to the camera. “And my new kitten, Nabi! Look at him he’s so cute!”

Being in front of the camera was ridiculously easy for Hyunjin now. He couldn’t rewatch his old video for the only reason he could literally feel the awkwardness leaking out for him and swamping the screen.

When Hyunjin started watching Youtube, he was still in LA, lonely, and homesick; so when he started his channel, it seemed natural to speak English. Also, the knowledge he was less likely to be recognized in the streets now that he was back in Korea was a reassuring one.

Five years later and two million subscribers later, Hyunjin still wasn’t sure if what he was doing neither if was going to last but he tried to not sweat it too much. If one person could have a bit of a better day because of him then he had nothing more to ask.

Convincing Yeji to appear on his video was no easy task, his sister preferred doing all the behind-the-stuff work and doing occasional dance cover on her personal channel by far.

“Today, I have decided to look more in deep into the world of Tiktok and more specifically LGBT tiktok! And I will ask you to be kind in the comments, we’re not here to completely drag down poor kids on tiktok that are just trying to find their identity,” Hyunjin’s comment section was mostly safe but better safe than sorry; he had learned at his expense that trashing literal children on the internet was indeed a thing. “I am, as you all know, bi-leaning men and she’s a lesbian so it should be fun! And yes, our parents hate us.”

“I thought you only told about your daddy issues on the third date?”

“It’s fine, I’m basically dating my subscribers.”

The look of pure disgust on Yeji’s face was worth it all. "You know that's why there are so many y/n fanfictions with you?"

“You're reading them?”

"Dear brother, bold of you to assume that I am only reading them when I'm also writing the most cursed content I can.” 

“I do not wish to pursue this conversation, let’s just watch the first TikTok.”

Banter on camera came easy for them now, their natural dynamic coming through the awkwardness of the first times; their inside jokes and differences making Yeji a really requested guest on his comments. Hyunjin’s overdramatic reaction contrasting with Yeji’s deadpan humor didn’t hold them back from looking at each other before bursting in laughter at a particularly weird furry tiktok.

Even with youtube being his main job, Hyunjin still took pretty seriously the quality of his videos while trying to have fun with it. 

They were ten minutes into the depth of the compilation a viewer had sent them when it all went wrong.

The moment the music started Hyunjin could hear Yeji whisper an ‘oh no’ at his side. And indeed, oh no. Electronic music and too-familiar blue hair invaded the screen and Hyunjin immediately felt something switch. In hindsight, it shouldn’t have been so dramatic -- he saw Jisung every day and although annoyed, he could live with it.

In retrospect, it was probably a build-up of things -- the already present stress about their meeting, the fact he did not expect it at all, his sister was there, and overall, the fact Hyunjin was finding it weirdly attractive. It was a stupid tiktok really, clearly not taken seriously but Hyunjin felt shameful for his heart skipping a beat as Felix appeared on the screen, encouraged by Jisung, to bust his best ahegao.

Giving Internet to Jisung was a mistake.

The caption read, in white cursive:

for white girls on tiktok asking me if i can do ahegao. yes i can. ft. my bf & every poor soul (friends) who happened to be near me #ahegao #lgbt #mybeautifulbf<3 #plsneveraskmetodothatagain

@urlocalemoboy

“He’s not even emo, this is false advertising,” finally said Hyunjin, but it felt as the voice getting out of him wasn’t his like he was in a bubble. “I don’t understand why people still do those kinds of stuff on the internet, it’s kind of gross. Like, keep those in the bedroom or put a trigger or something? Yeah, didn’t want to see that, but still did! Thanks for nothing, internet!”

It sounded as Yeji laughed but it could as well be the noise from the streets. Everything felt filtered, nothing going on could have lasted ten years or five seconds, he couldn’t tell.

The face of Yeji was the first thing he saw when coming back to reality, his body suddenly feeling heavy and a headache creeping in. Blinking slowly as Yeji gave him a glass of water, patting his head, Hyunjin absentmindedly took a sip and his eyes fell on the camera, the typical red light of recording off.

Oh, yes he had been recording something.

“Wow, sorry I dissociated for a sec!” Hyunjin laughed a bit too loudly to be genuine, taking the glass of water from Yeji’s hand and chugged it.

“Let’s just finish the video later, ok?” Yeji ruffled Hyunjin’s hair and pinched his cheeks to make him react. “Even tomorrow, I’ll say some bullshit like your camera died or something, don’t worry about clothing inconsistency or that type of stuff.”

Hyunjin nodded numbly and scrunched his nose at Yeji’s constant attack on his cheeks, slapping her hand away. If anyone knew how to deal with him, it was his sister and he simply let himself be taken care of.

“Should I leave your little rant at the editing?”

“No, keep it,” grumbled Hyunjin, keeping the toy out of Nabi’s reach. 

The words tasted like mistakes but Hyunjin ground his teeth, ignoring Yeji’s tired sigh.  There was no way it could come to their ears anyway.

☾

“So um, you do TikTok?”

“Oh god, why do you sound like my dad…” sighed Jisung, putting down his drink on the table to cross his arms and uncross it right away. Hyunjin felt restless just by looking at him. “Not a compliment by the way.”

The cafe they decided to meet up at was somewhere in Myeongdong, and surprisingly had few people for the quality of the caramel macchiato Hyunjin was drinking. Obviously, it wasn’t Jisung's first time here, judging by the small talk he had with the waiter and the wink they separated on. Hyunjin had the time to read the boy’s nametag. Jeongin.

He shook himself away from where his thoughts lead him. Even if it was unpleasant, Hyunjin had to admit Jisung and Felix seemed to be one of these couples grossly in love with each other and communicating like no other. How great.

“About Tiktok, yes it’s just fun and like, it distracts me and stuff,” Jisung took a sip from his grossly oversweet drink before smirking at Hyunjin’s disgusted expression. “ADHD is a bitch, you know.”

It was clear that even if said casually, Jisung’s eyes were sharp as they observed Hyunjin’s reaction. Hyunjin wasn’t quiet about his own personal issues, damn probably every one of his subscribers had heard him talking about his medications, but to deal with others in real life was another story.

“Oh, I didn’t know…” said Hyunjin, nervously tearing apart one of the napkins laying on the table.

“Dude, it’s fine, chills,” laughed Jisung. “I have ADHD, not terminal cancer; which believes me, would suck much more.”

As Hyunjin got back his attention on his drink, avoiding Jisung’s eyes which lighted up as a notifications sound echoed between them, he realized a few things. First, despite being a constant in each others' existence for a while, he didn’t truly know anything about Jisung - annoying constant but still. From being a bothersome high school classmate to college love rivals, they silently followed and witnessed the change in the other with a more or less watchful eye.

Secondly, Jisung was his own person. In his mind, unconsciously or not, Jisung was always this entity; too loud, too confident, too good. How easy it was to dislike someone who you didn’t think of as an individual.

Thirdly, Jisung was maybe not as annoying as he previously thought he was. This was probably the worst realization Hyunjin could have. It meant accepting defeat. It meant moving on. Hyunjin was never good at moving on.

To say he only had that realization now, an epiphany worthy to be written about for centuries would be kind of laughable. Hating each other had been this performative act they did during all those years, and it became like a second thought, not something they would think about.

In reality, Hyunjin didn’t know if he ever truly disliked Jisung. Surely, he didn’t like him as they set their sights on the same person and quickly realized it. Now, Jisung sitting in front of him and casually talking felt a bit off but not in the way he knew he was about to jump to choke him. Which would be very illegal and make Felix sad. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” His phone put face down on the table, Jisung had put his hands under his chin, a smirk painted on his face. Hyunjin didn’t notice before but he could now see that Jisung was barefaced, showing his small scar next to his mouth and the roundness of his cheeks. A drastic contrast from the very smoked eyes look Jisung was usually going for, but Hyunjin didn’t mind it.

“I’m just thinking of the fact your confession was the stupidest thing in the world,” said Hyunjin at last, pretending to mix his tea as an offended expression morphed Jisung’s features.

“What do you mean! It was awesome and Felix loved it,” pouted Jisung, his cheeks squished under his fist and Hyunjin resisted the urge to poke it.

“I was dying of embarrassment when you got up on the table. Did you think you were Zac Efron?”

Jisung’s confession was the most obnoxious thing Hyunjin had ever seen, probably. He could still remember the taste of the miso soup he was drinking when Felix entered the cafeteria that day. It had been weird all day, not seeing Jisung and Felix together, a common sight for the past few months. Hyunjin had not hoped but he had certainly wished.

The fleeting feeling was quickly crushed as Jisung got on a table, in the middle of a crowded lunchroom with a guitar and a nervous smile. Who knows what happened next? Certainly not Hyunjin who grabbed his tray and bolted out the room. Sometimes, admitting defeat was as painful as being actually stabbed.

“You have no sense of the dramatic and romanticism, Hwang Hyunjin,” huffed Jisung.“How would you have done it?”

“I don’t know, like… a room full of flowers after a park date or something like that…”

“That’s cute.”

“I guess… Better than a cheap rendition of High School Musical at least.”

Jisung stuck his tongue at him but didn't say anything more.

After, as Hyunjin was getting dragged around in the shops in Hongdae, he realized it really looked like a date. Not only had he caught the longing gaze of more than one person on them but the warm feeling in his chest couldn’t only be from annoyance. Okay, maybe a little, Hyunjin didn’t like window shopping and Jisung was particularly expressive when he found something he thought was pretty but it wasn’t that bad.

Between teasing at clothes choices and hide-and-seek between stores’ aisles, Hyunjin had never been so close to being kicked out of somewhere while having so much fun.

The sun had almost set down when Jisung decided he was tired and wanted to go home, arms full of five more bags than when they met earlier in the day. Behind Jisung’s smile, Hyunjin could see the hint of genuine fatigue. Silently, he took three bags out of his grasp and avoided his gaze for the rest of the journey.

Seoul’s subway, as white and clean as always, offered a sense of familiarity Hyunjin didn’t even know he needed. The feeling didn’t last long.

While Hyunjin was looking at the train timetable on his phone and Jisung was happily chattering next to him, a loud noise made him freeze. A man’s voice, standing out of the quiet atmosphere of the subway, that didn’t sound like an employee’s one from the words he could distinguish nor friendly.

Jisung didn’t make a sign he noticed this but Hyunjin, still frozen in place, looked around him to determine where this came from -- and found it in the sight of a girl waiting for her train while a guy, with a nasty smile, leaned a bit too close to her, to get her attention.

“Hyunjin? What are you doing, we’re going to miss the train?”

But Hyunjin had already crossed half of the crowded subway, his eyes not leaving the twisted silhouette of the man who now tried to pass his arm around the girl’s shoulder, despite her uncomfortable smile. 

“Hey, noona ! Sorry to be so late, you didn’t wait for me too long, right?” With what he knew was the best smile he could manage, Hyunjin beamed at the girl who blinked slowly at his sudden arrival. As if he was about to give her a hug, Hyunjin came near her, blocking the view of the other man. Hoping his smile was as comforting as he intended to, Hyunjin whispered calmly to the girl, whose breath only now started to calm down a bit. “Do you know this guy?”

“Um- I don’t…” whispered the girl, her eyes nervously coming back and forth between the man behind them and Hyunjin.

It was enough for Hyunjin to nod and turn back to the guy who had now crossed his arms, defensive and pissed off at having his prey stolen away before his eyes. Hyunjin knew too well what kind of mindset those people had.

“Do you want anything with my sister, sir?”

In the meantime, Jisung had joined them and looked at the scene from far away but Hyunjin was almost sure he saw him stepping out as the aggressor clenched his fist a bit too visibly.

With a huff and a deadly look, the guy shrugged and walked away, clearly not horny enough to have to cause an even bigger scene -- as some bystanders were already looking at the scene with mid-interest. Hyunjin did his best to not curse at them and their lack of action but limited himself to watch the guy climb the subway’s stairs, bumping carelessly into people in his way.

Assholes are assholes, no matter what.

When Hyunjin was sure he wouldn’t come back, he turned back to the girl who was already talking with Jisung and already looked a bit more relaxed than before. Jisung even succeeded in making her laugh.

Hyunjin almost felt bad to jump into the conversation but the thankful smile of the girl reassures him that it was ok. “Are you ok, miss? Do you want us to bring you home?”

“No, no, I’m fine, don’t worry! Thank you so much.”

“Don’t thank me, I’m really sorry this happened to you,” Hyunjin bowed one more time to the flustered girl who was trying to stop him. “Please go home safe.”

Waving at her one last time, they finally left the girl when her train came in and caught their own train.

Jisung had gone even quieter, the only thing that didn’t make Hyunjin completely worried was his hands still fumbling with the bags and his phone. Maybe he did a bit too much and now Jisung thought he was the biggest cretin than he originally conceived him to be.

The train put an excruciating amount of time to come and Hyunjin groaned seeing how full it was. By a little, Hyunjin avoided someone running into him while going out the train and unconsciously grabbed Jisung’s arm in the process, dragging him next to him.

There was no time to linger on the incredulous look Jisung gave him before they were pushed inside the train; hot air slapping them in the face and making it hard to breathe for a few seconds.

Miraculously, or by the sheer strength of Jisung’s tiny arms, they reached the door on the other side, leaving enough space for the both of them to fit, Jisung’s back against the door and their chest pressed against each other. At least Jisung had a bit of space to move, thought Hyunjin, feeling the movement of people against his back.

Stuck between the doors of the train and Hyunjin’s taller body, Jisung didn’t seem very affected by the situation, making Hyunjin relax. There was no need to make it awkward, protecting his friend (oh wow, it was weird to refer to Jisung as a friend) from getting crushed by the crowd. Still, the position only highlighted how tall Hyunjin was, compared to Jisung; something he didn’t truly notice until now. Under Jisung’s big mouth and boisterous attitude, there was a human, and, wow, he was a tiny one.

Jisung must have realized that too because he looked up to Hyunjin’s face with a pout, balancing for a moment on his tiptoes to erase the height difference, without great success. It was only when he noticed Hyunjin’s poorly repressed smile that he gave up and crossed his arms on his chest with a huff.

The silence felt a bit lighter than a few moments ago.

“That was…” started Jisung, a new and slight flush on his cheeks.

“I drink my respect women juice every morning.” The words immediately felt wrong as he said it and they just stared at each other in semi-horror for a few seconds before both bursting in laughter.

People on the train gave a funny look at those two boys giggling hysterically between themselves, Jisung a hand on his mouth to stop his loud hiccup while Hyunjin tried to keep his stance in the moving train without falling on Jisung.

The stress of the previous altercation and the overall fever dream that was today slowly washed out under their laughter.

“You’re just an idiot,” concluded Jisung, softly hitting Hyunjin’s chest with a smile. “Now, take me home, big guy.”

☾✦☾

A pat on the back was the only warning Hyunjin had before the door opened in front of them.

“Oh, you came!” Chan brightened, wobbling a bit on his feet but his smile as wide as ever.

Scientifically speaking, Hyunjin was almost sure they could power a few cities with Chan’s mere presence. And Seungmin too it seems. 

“How could we not!” hurried to say Seungmin next to Hyunjin, a flush that wasn’t there a second ago on his cheeks. It was weird to see his usually composed friend completely melt and giggle stupidly at a few words, from Bang Chan of all people.

Hyunjin liked Chan, even more since he learned his relationship with Felix was one of ‘pure brotherhood’ (Chan’s words, not his). It didn’t help him in any way to make Felix fall for him but at least Hyunjin could now safely encourage Seungmin in his pursuit of the blond Australian. If his love life was a mess, he could completely involve himself in his friends’ one.

With a not-so-subtle nudge, Hyunjin winked heavily at Seungmin when Chan got distracted for a second by someone yelling at him. The only answer he got was a sigh and rolled eyes, but he knew better. No matter what, Hyunjin would make sure this night would be successful for Seungmin.

A cloud of smoke and probably sweat had already made the room suffocating. Some people opened the windows, but it was only for them to smoke at them so Hyunjin didn’t even try to go for it. An overall look at the living room situation left Hyunjin feeling itchy. More than the smoke, the glassy eyes of half of the people in the room confirmed a state of inebriation Hyunjin wasn’t particularly willing to interact with.

“Will you be ok?”

Hyunjin jumped a bit too hard at Seungmin’s voice, having completely forgotten he was there, and his elbow hit the nearest wall with a loud noise. As if nothing happened, ignoring the tears of pain forming in his eyes, he nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, of course! Go get your man Minnie!”

Knowing better than insisting, Seungmin nodded slowly and turned his attention back to where Chan was now loudly calling people to play beer pong with him. Choking due to an excited gasp, Hyunjin spent no time dwelling on the girl laughing a bit too loud next to them and grabbed Seungmin’s hand to drag him across the crowd.

When Seungmin finally realized what was happening, it was too late and Hyunjin had already stopped in front of Chan with a bright smile. The once ping pong had been converted into a less dignified state with red cups and what Hyunjin hoped was spilled alcohol on it. He didn’t want to think about the alternative to the vaguely yellow liquid. Chan, who was talking to a guy that looked a bit too much like Hyunjin’s TA, looked at the new arrival with a polite smile that became more sincere as his eyes laid on Seungmin.

Oh, what a time to be alive and to see Seungmin’s well-put attitude slowly crumble under two dimples and fried hair.

“Seungmin wants to play! He’s a terrific shot,” Hyunjin leaned in to stage-whisper loudly, “He was a baseball player, you know those.”

“I don’t but now I want to! C’mon Seungmin, I want you in my team, buddy.”

Before Seungmin could do something stupid, like being objective and get himself out of this situation, Hyunjin pushed him toward Chan who dragged him into a side hug. With a satisfied smile, Hyunjin disappeared back into the crowd, knowing Seungmin was in good hands.

Better hands than Hyunjin anyway who clearly didn’t think this through and was now alone in a party he didn’t know anyone in while having trust issues with strangers. Fun time incoming. 

By chance, he found an unused cup and a soda that looked non-alcoholic and quickly made his way to a corner where he stood, observing absentmindedly everyone at the party. If Hyunjin didn’t have the chance to experience an awkward high school party, he certainly had the opportunity now. Wouldn’t go above 2 stars on Trivago.

“You look like a kicked puppy,” observed a chanting voice behind him.

Startled, Hyunjin almost spilled his drink - not a big loss to be honest - and watched dumbfounded as a head appeared at his side with a shit-eating smile.

“Minho!”

“That is I, darling,” laughed Minho, stepping up.

“What is this about?” asked Hyunjin, pointing at the deep red liquid Minho was swirling slowly in his tall wine glass, way too fancy for this type of evening.

“Oh, I don’t drink in anyone’s cup but mine,” said Minho, leaning on the wall next to Hyunjin, his cleanly painted nails clicking against the glass. “Also I look rich and classy.”

“Fair enough.”

In a simple white top with puffy sleeves cutting before his elbow and tight black high-waisted pants, Minho looked out of a victorian vampire book or a fashion show. Which was probably exactly the aesthetic he was going for, knowing Minho and the obscure book reference he always made in class at the grand despair of the professor and happiness of everyone else. Inflamed debate with the poor TA of the Myth, Folktale, and Legend that really just wanted to get paid.

Hyunjin kept a list of the books Minho recommended and once saw him cheekily wink at the TA at the end of one of the classes so he was fine.

“You lost your pup?”

“Seungmin? Nope, I just finally gave him a shot with his crush,” said Hyunjin, pointing at the table where Chan was now shooting the ball and missed completely only for Seungmin to rub his back comfortingly.

“Aw, Hyunjin, you little mastermind,” said Minho, a glint of mischief in his eyes as he turned back to look at him. “What about your own love life, though?”

“Ugh, I’d rather have you ranting about Wilkie Collins than talks about that.”

Not that there was anything to talk about; and with his chance, Minho had already caught on with his desperate crush. Not that he would describe himself as discreet about it but Hyunjin did try his best to not stare at Felix during classes, an attempt mostly unsuccessful.

“Don’t worry, you won’t have to, my dear,” said Minho before waving nonchalantly at someone behind Hyunjin. “Felix! How fun to see you there!”

The look of betrayal in Hyunjin’s face was enough to make Minho giggle in his drink while an excited Felix launched himself in his arms.

“Hyung! And Jinnie!” acknowledged Felix, his smile brightening at the sigh of Hyunjin, making his heart do a little backflip in his chest.

Cargo pants had never looked so good on someone in Hyunjin’s humble and completely unbiased opinion. A long belt tightened around his waist and a black crop top stopping high enough to get a glimpse of skin, Felix had opted for one of his simplest but deadliest outfits tonight.

Immediately engaging in small talk, the conversation was thankfully not awkward between them despite Hyunjin’s flustered heart. Everyone knowing each other from their course and shared class, it was not unusual for them to interact but this new context added a bit of freedom in their topics and words.

If Hyunjin thought Felix was interesting during the few times he heard him talk to him in class, he was head over heel for the side of him who listened attentively to Minho to refute his arguments in a calm but heated way. It didn't escape him that he was very clearly holding himself back, from the biting of his lips as he tried to not interrupt the others to his body language subtly closing off at something he didn't like but said nothing. And truly, Hyunjin yearned to once reach a level of closeness where Felix could be his shameless self. For now, he will do with Felix who gasped at Minho and looked at him to look for some backup.

He liked it.

Ten minutes into a heated discussion on the slow disappearance of libraries, Minho checked his phone and pouted slightly before putting it back into his pocket.

“Where are you going?”

“I have enemies to murder in cold blood and a man to swoon, see you later!” Minho waved a last time before disappearing back into the kitchen.

“I’m always semi-worried about Minho when he’s not in my field of vision,” said Felix, leaning on the wall Minho was previously standing against, and Hyunjin couldn’t help but notice the similarity in both their attitude; all cat-like and teasing smirk.

But where Minho felt too mysterious to dare ask, a gentle warmth emanated from Felix. In the beginning, Hyunjin was a bit ashamed to admit it was this feeling that made him interested in Felix. Like a moth attracted to flame, it didn’t really matter the person, but Hyunjin was just looking for something bright and shiny. Only, he just expected it to be a fleeting thing, not a 3 years old long crush.

“Ignorance is bliss.”

“That’s one way to put it,” laughed Felix.

“Jisung isn’t here?”

“Um? Yes he is,” said Felix, pointing at the couch in a corner of the living room.

Sprawled on the couch, manspreading as if no one would ever think of using the couch too, Jisung was the calmest Hyunjin has ever seen him; the blunt in his hand was probably not innocent in that matter. A cloud of smoke had formed above him and he kept himself amused by blowing it directly in it, exposing a white neck with a few purples marks on it. 

“I didn’t know Jisung smoked…”

“Ah, it’s kind of a medical thing for him? It really helps with the whole racing thoughts thing. And as it turns out, weed is so much cheaper in Korea than in Australia. Who would have thought, really? But it’s also a lot more illegal, so.” Felix shrugged while taking another chip.

Hyunjin didn’t answer. He had absolutely no idea how much or even where to buy that kind of stuff, but he nodded nonetheless. The alcohol-scented breath of his father had left more his mark in his mind than any of his words. Hyunjin smiled weakly, the soda in his cup suddenly tasting like childhood and mistakes.

“Well, I’m going to join him now,” said Felix, licking the remain of chips on his finger and Hyunjin tried not to think about the way his lipstick smudged a bit on his thumb. “Want to come?

“I’m not sure he wants me here…” Their little cafe outing considerably calmed things between them, but Hyunjin was still unsure of the boundaries of their newfound friendship. If that could even be qualified as friendship.

“Oh I’ll just ask!” said Felix, clapping his hands together, because of course, it was that easy when you were Lee Felix.

Trying to convince a determined Felix off of something was an impossible task Hyunjin wasn’t willing to try today so he just nodded; an action utterly useless in reality, as Felix was already bouncing toward the couch without a look back.

As always, watching Felix and Jisung interacting felt like a fever dream. It went like this. First, the change on Felix’s face as he leaned in to talk to Jisung. Then, as if he hasn’t seen him for years, the desperate way Jisung grabbed Felix’s waist to drag him with him on the couch. It was clear Felix was talking but it was not sure if Jisung was even listening at all, his face nuzzled into Felix’s neck as he played with his hair. Hyunjin couldn’t blame Jisung if he wasn’t. He malfunctioned at the bare minimum interaction with Felix, so he didn’t even want to think if he was in Jisung’s place.

Ah, maybe he did. Too much actually.

Finally, after what felt like 2 hours but was probably more than 5 minutes of head patting and sweet-talking, Felix brightened and turned to Hyunjin, enthusiastically waving at him. A bit hesitant, Hyunjin pointed at himself which made Felix roll his eyes and Hyunjin hurry up in his direction.

His steps wavered as the scent of weed was stronger as he approached and stopped at a reasonable distance from the couch, under Felix’s big grin and Jisung’s curious eyes. “Can I sit here? It’s ok if you don’t want, I’ll just find something else but-”

“Of course!” said Felix, not letting the time for Jisung to say anything before he had dragged Hyunjin next to him on the couch.

The grip he had on Hyunjin’s arm was unexpectedly strong and his lingering touch left a warmth he was not ready to let go of. 

If Hyunjin thought the smell was strong before, he clearly hasn’t sat right next to Jisung, who playfully blew a smoke circle on Felix’s face -- as to what the other scrunched his nose and pecked his mouth, as to shut him up. It partially worked because Jisung laughed and his expression was too joyful for Hyunjin to not suspect he hadn’t planned this.

Inevitably, the smoke engulfed Hyunjin and his throat and before he could think about it, he was taken by a fit of coughing. Ignoring his burning nose, Hyunjin tried to contain his choking with the back of his hand, waving with what he wanted to be a reassuring way at the couple.

How embarrassing. Twenty-one years old and unable to stand the smell of weed. His nose wasn’t the only thing burning on his face when he finally calmed down. The smile he tried to offer at Felix who had been gently rubbing his back felt fake even to his own mouth.

“Do you mind me smoking?”

The question didn’t feel judgmental but Hyunjin couldn’t help but feel even more flustered. After the little stunt he pulled, there was no way to lie around it. “Um… kinda? But it’s ok, I understand if you don’t want to-”

“You’re rambly tonight,” cut Jisung, giving the joint to Felix who stubbed it out in the ashtray on the table in front of them. “You seem the type to thrive on these types of evenings though, why aren’t you shining on the dancefloor right now, starlet?”

“Don’t want to blind everyone, it’s too early in the evening.”

“So nice of you,” said Jisung, with a too-sweet tone and a smirk that Hyunjin would have interpreted as mocking a few weeks ago but the relaxed atmosphere stopped him from getting offended. 

Unlearning some mechanics to their old dynamic would take a bit longer than a coffee together. It was reassuring even, Hyunjin wasn’t sure he could handle a Jisung he was completely unfamiliar with. The teasing was a part of them and who they were and if they took it too far sometimes, they still had a lot to learn together.

Probably thinking they were about to have another argument, Felix lightly slapped Jisung’s arm and turned back to Hyunjin, an apologetic smile on his face. 

“I’m excited for next week, by the way!”

“I am too,” said Hyunjin quietly, avoiding Felix and Jisung’s gaze.

Jisung made a little confused noise, his hand around Felix’s waist tightening briefly to get his attention.

“Hyunjin is doing the photo shoot I was telling you about!”

“You’re a photographer?”

Hyunjin would have been more vexed by the fact it surprised Jisung so much if he didn’t perceive a genuine interest in his voice. He swallowed his pride to answer with a smile. “In my spare time.”

“Oh, an art kid, how sexy of you.”

Hyunjin was about to comment on the fact that Jisung himself was the definition of an art kid but bitten his tongue at the last moment. No way he was going to apply Jisung was sexy in any way, shape, or form. Jisung must have noticed because he stuck his tongue at him, like a petulant child, and it was only Felix’s disapproving glare that stopped him.

He had to limit himself to a discreet kick in the knee and a poorly dissimulated groan of pain. Oblivious to the current feet war situation, Felix finished replying to a message before putting his phone down with a new glint on his eyes. Judging from Jisung’s expression, it didn’t particularly mean anything good for them.

“What if Sungie was there, it would be so cool,” beamed Felix, looking eagerly at Hyunjin, a small pout forming on his lips as he saw his wary position. “Hyunjin, would you mind? I know you’re not in… Excellent terms, it’s ok you can refuse.”

“No! No, it’s fine, don’t worry.”

Even Jisung looked surprised at his approval and Hyunjin couldn’t help but feel somewhat bitter about it. Since their go-out together he thought they agreed on the fact it wasn’t so bad to hang out together. But maybe it was a one-way feeling, Hyunjin was used to those.

“Actually, you know, maybe I can do a bit of smoking for tonight. Let’s figure it out later,” he finally mumbled, grabbing the previously poorly extinguished blunt on the table.

One of his last coherent thoughts of the night was that he had been right. It really did taste like shit.

(The white blinding light that woken up was paired with the teasing snicker of his best friend. Caught up in white sheets that didn’t smell like home nor Nabi, Hyunjin’s half-asleep mind was still able to recognize the familiar sigh that was Seungmin’s bedroom.

“Rise and shine, lightweight.”

“What happened…”

“Do you want to hear about the part you fell asleep on Felix’s lap, refused to let go when I came to pick you up and cried on Jisung’s chest and then told them ‘love ya’ when I finally convinced you to come with me?” With horror, Hyunjin looked at Seungmin in the hope he was going to burst out of laughter and tell him it was a prank. Unfortunately, his mildly disappointed gaze was confirmation enough; and groaning, Hyunjin buried his face on the white pillow he was so peacefully and innocently sleeping on. “Thought so.” )

☾✦☾

Instagram was a dark and dangerous place for Hyunjin’s easily swooning heart.

Felix’s Instagram was the bane of his existence. The other 700,000 people following him seemed to think the same as him and Hyunjin did not have the fear of accidentally liking a 4 years post as it was certainly lost in the mass of Felix’s notifications.

When he offered, months ago, for Felix to become - officially - his muse for a photoshoot the compensation had been pretty easy to find. He had been planning that for months, the set he would be shooting Felix in and he had agreed to whatever Felix would have wanted to do afterward for his feeds.

The original plan had been slightly disturbed with the new addition of Jisung but Hyunjin minded less than he thought he would. The group they had created for the occasion (greatly named ‘hyunjin’s fanclub’ by Felix weeks ago and unchanged since) had been blowing up his phone and Hyunjin was happy to find an actual friendship beside Seungmin and Minho. If what he had with Minho could be even called friendship.

And if friendship meant giving up on any hope and silently pining from afar, Hyunjin was already a master in that area.

Now, in front of the building he rented a studio in, Hyunjin felt his confidence slowly crumble. The sound of a notification made Hyunjin jump harder than he would like to admit. Verifying no one was in a street to witness him being his embarrassing self, he finally checked his phone to be faced with a message from Seungmin.

minnie 🐶💙

Call me if you need me to pick you up.

Hyunjin Who’s Not Your Cousin 

im not a baby i’ll be fine 😤

minnie 🐶💙

I know. Indulge me in making sure you know it’s ok to ask for help if you need it.

“Ah Kim Seungmin, you’re a sap,” Hyunjin smiled softly to his phone before locking it again. 

After a moment of hesitation, he opened his lock screen where the selca he took with a grumpy Seungmin and a happy Yeji was on display.  It was one of his favorite pictures of them and a rare one on top of that. Seungmin and him being more behind the camera than otherwise made it hard to actually have a shot with all of them in it. 

Finally gathering enough of the rest of the courage Hyunjin had when he asked Felix out for this photoshoot, he rang the doorbell. It didn’t take long before he saw a familiar silhouette appearing behind the glass door and as their eyes met, Minho smiled widely and hurried his steps to open him.

“Oooh look who’s here,” said Minho, side hugging Hyunjin quickly as he let him enter.

“Minho? What are you doing here?”

Seeing Minho in another context than a classroom or party, both spaces pretty distanced from reality in Hyunjin’s opinion, was weird. Not bad weird, there was just a bit of a dissonance between Minho and the real world. All things considered, if Minho told him one day he was a 700 years-old vampire, Hyunjin wasn’t sure he would have a moment of disbelief about that information.

Interlocking their arms together, Minho didn’t stop to answer as he already threw himself in the endless hallway of the building, a lightness, and pace in his steps Hyunjin was not able to follow completely.

“The usual, being the Victorian specialist called on set to verify the historic accuracy!” answered Minho, casually turning a corner.

Of course, he was. The vampire theory might have been more accurate than Hyunjin had previously thought.

“What are you doing there, darling?”

“I have a shoot with Felix and Jisung…”

“Ohhh a photoshoot date? Spicy! Please don’t dirty the studio too much, we still need it.”

“No! It’s not like that I swear!”

“Um? Really?” blinked Minho, looking genuinely confused for a moment.“But you want it to be like that, right?”

“I-”

“Oh look, I have arrived! I shall leave you behind with your hot dates. It was nice meeting you, see you around!”

Minho waved at Hyunjin, a smile making his eyes into half-moon still illuminating his face before entering the studio where Hyunjin caught a glimpse of a fancy set with what looked like a baldaquin bed and several people with clipboards.

Anxiety and consideration had thankfully made Hyunjin rent a studio he was already familiar with or the endless hallways and corner of the place would have made him lost his mind. Only a couple of minutes later, the familiar engraved 4419 on the door was facing him.

A message from Felix had previously informed him they were ahead of time and already prepared and it didn’t help at all knowing what was waiting for Hyunjin behind the door. 

Which, as he found out quickly, was nothing. The studio was empty, only some props he had brought a few days ago lying on the ground. With extreme carefulness, Hyunjin took the crystal bunch of grass that almost got crushed under his heels to put it in a higher place.

However, it didn’t take long before some noises confirmed Hyunjin wasn’t alone in the studio.

On the couch, at the end of the room, giggles erupted followed by some shushing and then more laughter. The bad feeling Hyunjin got earlier didn’t leave his chest and even migrated to his throat, where it formed a lump, making it hard to gulp. 

As he moved, Hyunjin got a better view of what was happening. Cuddled on Felix’s arms, with Felix's chin resting on his head, Jisung was happily smashing the button of his Switch, wiggling and crying intermittently out loud. Felix was laughing and Hyunjin could see him leaving small kisses on Jisung’s head when the latter said something to him. 

It was so domestic Hyunjin felt his chest ache from a couple of inhalations going wrong, like spasms. This whole photo shoot was a horrible idea and he just realized it.

Gathering his courage, Hyunjin came closer leaned on the couch behind them to look at the console’s screen. “What are you guys playing?”

“Zelda! Lix is more into Animal Crossing right now, but he’s my emotional support against Ganon!”

“Don’t listen to him, I’m the one who has to fight all the boss because he’s too scared,”

“Not true.”

“I don’t know why but I feel like I believe Felix more than you,” concluded Hyunjin.

“Et tu Brutus?”

“We have the studio until 5, let’s get started.”

Working with other people was something Hyunjin was afraid he did not look forward to. If most of his past group projects - in art or academically - went pretty well despite the considerable amount of work he put in compared to others, he was still terrified by discourse or misunderstanding and sabotaging their whole thing.

That’s why he usually did a little questionary for his models beforehand, to ask them about their likes and dislikes, but in the midst of his finals and heartbreak, he had completely forgotten to send it to Felix. Late was better than never. 

“Which level of nudity are you comfortable with?”

“Oh… This one?” the nervous side look Felix threw toward Jisung didn’t get unnoticed.

Unbothered, Jisung stepped up, unconsciously or not going in front of Felix so the other could hide behind him. It was absurd how much Jisung seemed to take just by his mere aura and smile but Hyunjin suddenly felt small. Too small. 

“I can help you if you need full nude shots,” shouted Jisung, ignoring the weird atmosphere who had settled in. 

“I don’t!” 

“Sure love, just know I’m an option. And don’t act so repulsed, I have a hot body!” Maybe to seek comfort or a testimony, Jisung looked at Felix, like he was waiting for an answer.

“Don’t look at me like that babe, you’re in this on your own.”

This was going to be a longer shoot than Hyunjin had planned.“If Jisung needs a break at some time, don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Aren’t you cute?” cooed Felix, to Hyunjin’s great embarrassment. “Isn’t he, Sung?”

“He’s decent at best.”

“He likes you,” whispered Felix to Hyunjin, with a smirk he did not know how to interpret.

“Let’s just take the photos, please,” said finally Hyunjin, hiding his fluster in the arrangement of the light set.

Photography was only a hobby for Hyunjin but inside he knew. If he got more invested, it might as well consume his life. Being a literature major, it was almost a given that Hyunjin had an affinity for art. Music was nice but shyness had always stopped him to fully perform it, a violin abandoned in his mom’s attic a witness of his endless tries. Drawing and painting intimidated him more than he’d like to admit.

But photography. His camera was a friend he met in his early teens years and would jokingly call his childhood crush. It was about the stolen moment that will never get away, making people see and be seen. The incredulous look and the whispered ‘this is how I look to you?’. To call it an intimate act would feel too much for some but Hyunjin thought it was probably the most he could share of himself. Being in front of the camera didn’t give him the same thrill but he liked it, to know that a couple of stupid jokes could make someone’s day just a little bit better.

Under the light placed with great care, Felix and Jisung draped in white sheets were reenacting one of these ambiguously gay-coded paintings from another time, their gaze showing more than words could say. As they were already together and not in need of real instructions on how to mimic attractions, Hyunjin kept his advice sparse but efficient; only telling them to change positions when necessary.

Nothing was explicit, he wasn’t here to do porn after all, but it was still painfully intimate. The touch of the tips of their fingers, the small laugh at something Hyunjin didn’t hear, the gentle way Jisung adjusted the sheet over Felix’s chest.

Before the last set, the one Hyunjin promised he would do for Felix’s Instagram (and probably Jisung’s), the adrenaline of feeling on top of the world started to go down a little and he knew he needed a break. Jisung was more than happy to comply with the sudden request and waved at him as Hyunjin went outside.

“Who do I need to kill?” The phone’s quality dulled Seungmin’s voice, but the tone was firm.

“No one, can’t I just talk to my best friend during my off time.” 

A huff was the only confirmation Seungmin wasn’t on his way to come to get him with an ax. Hyunjin loved his friends. Deeply. But sometimes, it felt like he was a fragile thing, one that shall not be bruised or shaken too much; and it was nice to feel taken care of, don’t get him wrong he just wondered. Was he more a child or a friend in the eyes of his close one? Did they stay with him because of pity or genuine liking?

People seeing you at your worst change their views of you and Hyunjin learned it the hard way. He hoped now they could bear him a little more.

The soft voice of Seungmin made his break flow by in no time and when he had to hang up, it was with a heavy heart.

“See you later, Jinnie, take care,” said Seungmin but didn’t hang up after a few seconds, letting Hyunjin wait on the other end of the phone. “I was serious about picking you up, if needed, by the way.”

“I know, bye Minnie, I love you!” fake sobbed Hyunjin and the light chuckle of Seungmin was the last thing he heard before hanging up.

The call didn’t last more than ten minutes but Hyunjin still felt immensely better than before. Maybe Seungmin rambling about the book he was currently reading had unknown healing factors, or the lull of a familiar voice was enough to make Hyunjin refocus.

Eerily silent, the atmosphere in the studio as Hyunjin entered made him want to immediately go back and call Seungmin back to accept his offer. An empty apartment was less creepy than this deserted studio where sheets and flowers were still laying around, like a crime scene of a questionable indie movie.

“Um, guys? I’m ready to go back to it, are you ready or-”

“Jinnie you’re back! Can you wait a sec, Jisung is having a technical wardrobe problem?”

“Oh,” Hyunjin stopped right on his track, his brain completely shutting down and only letting him say a choked-up, “you look good!”

A mere euphemism in fact. With a black graphic and tied shirt revealing only a slice of skin, Felix had put on a similarly themed skirt that started right above his belly button and stopped in the middle of his thighs.

Felix must have mistaken Hyunjin’s longing look on his legs for concern and hit softly his arms as he came closer. “Don’t worry I have a safety short beneath and backup stocking in case it gets too cold!”

“Great,” said Hyunjin but it sounded too weak, even to his ears.

It was not as Felix never wore skirts at school – even if it was rarer than now – but the thought of photographing him in it deserved its own kind of heart attack. Turning away from Felix’s bright smile, the preparation of the set suddenly had to take all of Hyunjin’s attention.

Having a twin sister and a sexuality crisis wasn’t particularly determining factors for Hyunjin to not be a stranger to skirts before but it did help. It has been a matter of emotional support at some points, ok?

“So hm, not to be offensive but why the skirts,” asked Hyunjin, pretending to adjust the light.

“Because gender is a lie!”

The boisterous voice startled Hyunjin enough for him to almost drop what he was holding.

“It certainly is,” nodded Felix. “But Hyunjin didn’t come for a gender discourse, just to immortalize your cute face so get your ass here please.”

Hyunjin snapped the first photo. Probably blurry and unfit for Instagram, it still looked like the best picture he had taken all day. They weren’t even aware he was watching them probably, the same tenderness he had captured earlier reeking off the screen, Felix whipping something off Jisung’s cheeks while the other was mouth open, obviously enthusiastically talking.

When he took the second photo, Jisung was looking straight into his lenses. Flustered, Hyunjin quickly put down his camera, forgetting for a second it was even the whole reason they were here in the first place.

Instead, he coughed awkwardly. “I can’t believe you guys have matching skirts…”

“Well, we can get you one too if you want!” said Felix, a spark in his eyes that didn’t foreshadow anything good for Hyunjin. 

“I think I’m good, I’m probably too tall anyway-”

“Oh please, you have legs for days and look like a model, stop with the fake modesty,” scoffed Jisung, as if the whole idea of Hyunjin not looking good in skirts was offensive to him.

Being complimented was not something Hyunjin was unfamiliar with. A youtube channel was the best way to be showered with praises and over-the-top appreciation and sometimes it was hard to remember you were never as great as your most positive comment and never as bad as the worst one. 

Han Jisung complimenting you was, however, more uncommon.

“Let’s just get into it, we are running out of time,” said Hyunjin, looking away, a new heat on his cheeks and stomach.

Everything went smoothly up to this point, except for Felix almost accidentally flashing him and getting saved last minute by Jisung who threw himself in front of the camera. The shot was at least funny, the blurry shocked face of Felix in the background while the panicked and much bigger but certainly as blurry Jisung was yelling at him. 

The other pictures were pretty great if you asked Hyunjin, the contrast between Jisung bold attitude (he might have to edit one middle finger or too) and Felix's gentle yet sharp features. 

Was it the feeling of finding the perfect subject matter that made Hyunjin all warm? Probably; he never wanted this moment to end. When the owner of the studio came for the third time to ask them to get out, they had to admit defeat.

“Oh, and I don’t mind gender discourse, by the way.”

“Well, let’s talk about that later, then,” said Felix, a loud call from Jisung in the dressing room making him wave a last time at Hyunjin as he disappeared in the room.

Hyunjin pretended the notion of an after didn’t make him as giddy as it actually did. Felix still wanted to talk to him and even Jisung didn’t mind him now.

Maybe life was nice to him in the end.

☾✦☾

Hyunjin’s recent Google search history: skirts for tall ppl, how to stop being clingy, nice coffee place in seoul, how to get over two people, my fucking god im fucked please someone help

☾✦☾

With his pink drink and pinker top, Felix was a whirlwind of a boy. Next to him, Hyunjin had personally started to regret the leather jacket he had picked for today -- both by the fact it was freaking hot and that he felt like he indirectly matched with Felix.

The giant platform boots Felix wore paired with a natural recklessness made Hyunjin almost have a heart attack several times. They finally settled for an arrangement after a particularly steep slope Felix had decided would be a good idea to run on; their now-linked arms were not really better for Hyunjin’s heart.

Also, Felix walked suspiciously well when they entered an umpteen store in Gangnam with purpose this time. If Hyunjin ever thought going shopping with Jisung was tiring, he had yet to deal with the literal storm that was Lee Felix. The only good thing was Felix’s refusal to buy anything because capitalism is a disease and I can totally make that at home; which, fair.

The whole thing had not been planned so when Hyunjin got a message from Felix reading ‘im going to be there in 10 min <33’, he rightfully panicked and called Seungmin. It took half of the time for him to be calmed down by a tired Seungmin and the other half was spend into trying to put together an outfit that was date-worthy but not too date-worthy because it was not a date and Hyunjin should not daydream too much about it and oh my god he’s already here-

Hyunjin would like to say he had not been calmed by the mere presence of Felix, but he tried to lie less to himself these days. After kissing Nabi enough for the kitty to go hide under the couch, they went out to what felt like a dream.

It was hard on a daily basis to not think of how cute Felix was but hanging out with him made it a hundred times worse. Hyunjin craved it. Every moment, every anecdote, every gesture, every smile, and laugh -- he craved it as he would die. Pining for someone for years and discovering the person and, indeed, amazing and even better made every feeling multiplied by ten.

Of course, Felix wasn’t perfect; he was easily frustrated, took jokes a bit too far sometimes, and was oblivious to what was going on around him but most importantly, he was Felix.

In the midst of his lovesick thoughts, the voice of Seungmin echoed in his mind like a promise. Don’t get too attached to what you know you can’t have.

Caught in looking at a long coat, Hyunjin was not prepared for what the gentle pat on his shoulder meant. With a shit-eating grin that reminded him a bit too much of Jisung, Felix shoved fabric on Hyunjin’s face and waited for him to take it and observe what was it. Hyunjin’s ear suddenly felt really hot.

“Should we just try and buy you a skirt?”

“Stop,” whined Hyunjin, trying to take the skirt back in the racks, despite Felix’s attempt to put it into his bag. At last, he grabbed it, blushed even harder at how short it looked, and put it back immediately amongst the other different shades of the plaid skirt.

“Sorry, you’re just too fun to tease,” Felix cooed at Hyunjin as he tried to run away from him and his terrible ideas. “Look at you! Cute!”

Since Felix found teasing Hyunjin was so fun, the rest of the shop tour was accompanied by comments going from subtly cute to downright almost scandalous in public. So far, only one teenage girl had caught them in this weird game of theirs' and had only nodded gravely at Hyunjin who was hiding his face into his hand.

In short, it was a good day.

The shift in the air wasn’t noticeable at first. Not for Hyunjin, at least.

When the hand on his forearm tightened painfully though, he could feel that something was wrong. 

“You’re ok?”

“Yes, just thought I saw an ugly rat for an instant.”

It hadn’t been that long since they got close, but Hyunjin could swear he has never seen this expression on Felix’s face. His eyes hardened and staring right in front of them and an obvious clench in his jaw, only idiots would try to talk to him. Fortunately, Hyunjin was a self-proclaimed mega idiot.

“You… you want me to tell the place to get an exterminator? Rats are a pretty concerning issue…”

“No, don’t worry about it,” Felix put his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder, suddenly feeling smaller than a couple of seconds ago. “I can deal with ugly rats if you’re with me.”

Despise the clear violation of health and safety implied here, it was said so gently Hyunjin could only nod and rub his hands against Felix’s back, pretending to look at the overpriced coat next to them to let him have the time to calm down a little.

They had almost fallen into the comfort of an atmosphere full of comfort and unsaid confession when someone yelled at the exterior of the shop, startling both of them.

“Sweetheart!”

Felix’s nails pierced the skin of Hyunjin’s forearms. The pain didn’t even register before what seemed to the same voice called Felix’s real name this time. Instinctively, Hyunjin turned around, to the contrary of Felix who looked suddenly captivated by the fabric of the coat.

“Felix! How great to see you now!”

It was almost painful the way Felix closed his eyes, took a big exhale of air, and faced the man who appeared out of thin air. Somehow, Hyunjin wished he disappeared with the same manner.

Something about this guy’s face was too unsettlingly familiar for Hyunjin’s liking. Also, Felix had never looked so dim than when the guy smiled brightly at him.

“I’m Chanwoo,” he declared, offering a hand to shake at Hyunjin. Disoriented by the unusual gesture, Hyunjin mechanically shook it and was displeased to find it sweaty and the grip painfully tight.

The bad vibe he first got from Chanwoo only got stronger as seconds passed by. Eager to just leave, Hyunjin looked at Felix, cuddled at his side, and currently looking down at the floor, avoiding the heavy glare of Chanwoo on him.

“Do you know him?”

“He’s merely an acquaintance actually,” whispered Felix, already backing away slowly.

Apparently, it was not the thing to say because the previously semi-friendly expression of Chanwoo twisted into a menacing scowl. And, oh, Hyunjin finally remembered why he looked so familiar and he did not like it. At all. But Felix looked uncomfortable enough for Hyunjin to tell him that his alleged acquaintance had been harassing girls in the subway.

Before Hyunjin could do anything to get them out of this conversation, Chanwoo spoke in a loud voice -- making Felix visibly flinch by his side.

“You’re still a little bitch I see, and you’ve been whoring yourself for everyone to see now. Not really surprised to be honest.”

“Hey, watch what you’re saying asshole.”

“‘Jin, c’mon, it’s ok… Let’s just leave…” It was not. It was everything but ok and most specifically it was wrong.

“You know he thinks the same, right?” The tone was cruel, his expression even more.

“What?”

“Don’t listen—”

“What, afraid of the truth? Regret much?”

“Hyunjin, what is he talking about?”

“He’s just spitting shit at this point, come on,” Hyunjin didn’t know where the conversation went so wrong, but Felix had now dropped his arms and without even looking at him, he knew he was frowning. Chanwoo had not let go of his smile.

“‘I don’t understand why people still do those kinds of stuff on the internet, it’s kind of gross. Like, keep those in the bedroom or put a trigger or something? Yeah, didn’t want to see that, but still did! Thanks for nothing internet!’” He stopped to see their reaction. “Ring a bell?”

Hyunjin felt sick. “Did you fucking learn it by heart? Do you even speak English?”

He could feel Felix’s gaze on him, maybe waiting for him to deny everything. The blood flooding in his face and something in his stomach clenching held him back from looking at his face – a million thoughts coming and going in his head and none of them was any useful.

“What is he talking about? Jinnie?”

“Do you want video proof? I can’t believe the video has already 1 million, you’re quite famous Hyunjin-ssi, I’m impressed.”

On the screen of Chanwoo’s phone, cruel and undeniable, Hyunjin’s scrunched face next to the tiktok he had been reacting to with Jisung and Felix laughing. It didn’t have to be played to know the cruel words that came out of Hyunjin’s mouth.

Everything went really quick after that. Hyunjin reached for the phone at the same time, Chanwoo backed down and Felix stepped out to give the latter a slap in the face that echoed in the whole store, making a few heads turns. Shocked and holding his red cheek, Chanwoo didn’t have the opportunity to say anything before he was thrown outside by both the security guard who had watched the interaction since the beginning and Hyunjin.

When he came back to Felix, who had not moved since the slap, Hyunjin felt like he was not far from getting the same treatment. Unfortunately, it was even worse. Felix looked up at him, looking paler than before yet his nose started to get red – a dangerous look on his face.

“Well that was nice while it lasted, must have been so fun hanging out with a clueless, stupid whore,” Felix wiped some anger tears from his face, smudging his eye makeup he had been so proud to show Hyunjin earlier. “I didn’t expect to get my heart broken two times today, but here we are, I guess. Thanks for nothing internet, uh.”

—                                         

☾✦☾

Seungmin took his time to drink his tea, watching Hyunjin squirm with a blank face. Finally, he put down his cup, sighing.

“You’re one stupid man Hwang Hyunjin.”

“Oh mighty Kim Seungmin, please tell me something I don’t know,” groaned Hyunjin, collapsing on the table and his arms.

“You should apologize.”

“Sorry?”

“Not to me, idiot.”

Hyunjin cheekily stuck his tongue at him, closely avoiding a whipped cream attack from Seungmin’s straw. “I don’t think he wants to talk to me, though.”

“Well, you won’t know unless you try.”

Seungmin was right. Hyunjin hated that Seungmin was right. But deep inside, he knew a simple apology wasn’t going to do it this time. He hadn’t even been able to see Felix for the past few days in class, and either Jisung had become really good at avoiding him or he hadn’t been in college too.

Somehow, the fact they were potentially skipping class to avoid him made him feel even worse about the situation. As much as he was conflicted about wanting to see them, he didn’t want for their education to be put in danger just because he was an idiot; and at this point, he needed only a glimpse of either of their faces to feel a tiny bit better.

This situation was such a mess, he had no idea how he was going to get out of it unscattered. His big mouth and too big of ego were the only responsible there. The muffin he took to show Seungmin he was kind of taking care of himself made him nauseous.

“I’m scared, Minnie,” admitted Hyunjin. “What does it feel like when you’re in love?”

Hyunjin had never really thought about love. Of course, he had said I love you, he had daydreamed about romantic dinners and cried over bad romcoms. But to experience anything over short dates and some make-out session with the cute boy in the back of his class had neither happen nor really crossed his mind. Until now, at least. But maybe that wasn’t love, just a more developed type of crush and admiration.

Hyunjin would just like to know why he was so heartbroken at the mere thought of never being able to talk to Felix and Jisung again.

“Oh, Jinnie…” Seungmin took time to put down his tea on the table and smoothed meticulously the napkin next to it. Knowing he was just organizing his thought, Hyunjin observed his little ritual with fondness, smiling softly when their eyes finally met. “I think you already know that there’s no answer to that question. Some might say it’s like being in a tragedy, having a Romeo and Juliet kind of love, consuming and ephemeral. Others will tell you that love is routine, habits you get, and passion that fade a bit as time pass by, but the affection remains and that’s love. 

“Love… It’s too personal to put a definition on it. I doubt anyone in the world loves the exact same, and to say one is more right than another would be misleading. But your love, Hyunjin, I think it’s beautiful. A bit clumsy sometimes but it’s pure, a bit like first love? So I think you might feel romantic love a bit like that, a first love that makes your heart gently flutter.”

“I’m in love with you then!” declared Hyunjin, loud enough some customers turned around to see who was confessing in this little café, way too late in the evening. “And Yeji, Minho, Felix, Jisung… This is love right?”

“I think you know you’re not in love with me the same you’re in love with Felix or Jisung. Nor you’re in love the exact same with Jisung nor Felix, and that’s fine. But if it makes you feel better, I’m in love with you too, idiot.”

“You can’t confess your undying love to me and then call me an idiot,” protests Hyunjin, ignoring the tears building up in his eyes and throat.

“I’m the one who paid for your muffin, I’m allowed to do anything.”

The moment Hyunjin knew something was wrong is when Seungmin’s eyes widened as he looked behind him. The next thing he felt was the sound preceded by a burn on his cheek, a tingling familiar to the aftermath of a smack.

Chaos did not wait for a moment of calm to explode, but the numbing shock stopped Hyunjin from doing anything but put his cold hand over the probably red area on his face. It was only when his brain registered that it was Seungmin shouting that Hyunjin snapped out of it enough to look up. Out of his chair and usually put together attitude, Seungmin was pointing alternatively between Hyunjin and his interlocutor, a stone-face Jisung with arms crossed against his chest and a snarl Hyunjin felt was moments away from being irreversibly mean to his best friend.

“Seungmin, it’s ok, please,” Hyunjin tried to get Seungmin’s attention by pulling the back of his jacket. “Minnie, please. ”

His tone must have been pathetic enough because Seungmin stopped for a few seconds, just to look at Hyunjin who pulled his sleeves one more time. He was not sure what he would do if they both started to fight and which side he would take. That was not something he wished to find out today.

“Be careful, Han,” concluded Seungmin, going back to his chair but his eyes never left them as Hyunjin made a little sign toward the door, asking silently Jisung to follow him.

Thankfully, his other cheek had gotten out of it untouched and the only biting sensation he had was from the cold wind. The outside was cold enough to make him in his thin long-sleeved shirt shudder, but he felt like if he went inside now, any chance of properly talking to Jisung would be lost forever.

“So… I don’t know what you heard from Felix but I guess-”

“Oh, believe me, I heard enough.”

“Listen, I’m sorry, I wasn’t in my right mind then and it’s my fault if it made the editing and I fucked up and, yes. I don’t know.”

It was hard to tell if it was the wind or Jisung's cold eyes that made him shudder. It was not going well, it was not going well and Hyunjin could almost see himself from outside slowly losing it as the knowledge he fucked up beyond repair was dawning on him.

“That’s all you have to say?”

“I guess? I don’t really have any excuses, I’m sorry…”

“I can’t believe I actually started to like you, oh my god.”

“Jisung...”

“Don’t. Don’t Jisung me and stop giving me this beaten puppy look. Fuck you, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin didn’t know what he expected from the conversation but if it was peace and reconciliation, he was about to get disappointed. For Jisung, it seemed like he was already over with it and had only uncrossed his arms to type on his phone what looked suspiciously like the uber application.

Nauseous was too weak to describe the moment Hyunjin understood it was too late. 

Fighting the lump in his throat, he tried to catch Jisung’s attention one last time. “Is Felix ok? Please just tell me if he’s fine and I’m so sor-”

“You can’t do that, Hyunjin. Please don’t come near Felix or me ever again.”

“I understand.”

“Good.”

And then, with a last look, almost as betrayed as the one Felix gave him back then, Jisung was gone. Hyunjin bowed his head, watching some tears fall on the concrete -- anything was better than the retreating silhouette of Jisung.

Going back into the café, under Seungmin and strangers’ sharp attention, felt almost as grueling as the conversation he just had.

“And now?” asked Hyunjin to Seungmin.

The look Seungmin gave him wasn’t one he wished to see on his friend ever again.

“Now, you wait.”

☾✦☾

Hyunjin’s recent Google search history:

☾✦☾

Seungmin once said: “not leaving the bed doesn’t make your problem disappear but it sure does feel good to pretend they don’t even exist.”

Seungmin was a wise man.

Windows had not been opened for days, and any external visitor coming into Hyunjin’s room could probably smell the musty air and sadness. Water bottles had made a small mountain over the days and if Hyunjin weren’t too busy being under his blanket, he would have probably stepped on one getting out of bed.

It’s been a while since Hyunjin had felt that bad and the fact he hadn’t touched his medication for the past week or so didn’t help either. He thought he was ok at first. Nothing about this situation was good whatsoever but he had functioned semi properly for two days after Jisung’s confrontation before he woke up one morning and realized he was simply unable to get out of bed.

Everything felt numb and even raising his hand to grab his phone became an impossible task. One day, he had tried to explain to his psychologist what it felt like, not being able to go out of bed.

A bed was an ocean, and his, in particular, seemed to have something others didn’t. Sometimes, he had explained, it seemed like there was a mermaid in the deepest abyss of his ocean that gripped his ankle and wanted to drag him forever into the darkest part of the ocean. Most of the time, he could fight the mermaid, he was pretty good at swimming and the mermaid became a bit weaker over the years. 

Other times, the ocean became quicksands. Hyunjin had never been truly in quicksands but he had read about it. He had read about how the more you move, the quicker you sink. You couldn’t do anything because not only did you sink faster and faster but also it hurt. The fluffy pillow under his cheeks, the weight of the quilt, his own inert body, everything was only made to make him suffer just a bit more.

Swimming in the ocean of his bed, Hyunjin felt like he was drowning deeper and deeper each day.

People have been going in and out of his room, with comforting words and familiar perfume, but Hyunjin had pretended to sleep each time the sound of the door opening echoed in the room. It wasn’t like he was awake a lot these days either.

The only time he was properly awake was when Seungmin had tried to open the window and he simply had burst into tears. Not his proudest moment but his dignity was pretty low on the list of his problems. He wasn’t sure Seungmin had come back since.

The worst was the guilt. 

Being in this situation was even more frustrating because he had been through that already and he came out of it thinking he will never have to experience that again. Maybe Hyunjin simply didn’t deserve a good life.

Surprisingly, Hyunjin was awake today. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t feel good. He was pretty sure it was the evening, judging from the sky he could see from the slight slit left in the top of his shutter, but it could as well be dawn from all he knows. A new bottle of water had been put on his bedside table but Hyunjin stared at it without really seeing it, the blanket over him like an impregnable fortress but there was no dragon guarding it. Not physically at least. 

The squealing of the door made him come back to reality but not move. It was probably Yeji anyways and Hyunjin wasn’t ready to deal with her pitying stare once again today.  

“Oh man, it smells in here…” The voice was male and definitely not Yeji. Nor Seungmin. Hyunjin tensed up, waiting silently for what would happen next.

“Jisung, please,” aggressively whispered another voice, deeper than the first, and it didn’t take a genius to deduce who it was.

Feeling his stomach turn unpleasantly, Hyunjin strengthened his grip on the sheets covering him.

The crunching sound of a plastic bottle under a foot broke the silence that extended for a bit afterward, and a giggle followed. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay in the living room for now…”

“Emotional support, babe, emotional support.”

A weight slumped the end of the bed and a hand went to reach for Hyunjin’s head, careful as if he was a scared animal. Too tired to fully flinch, Hyunjin only buried his head in his pillow followed by a sigh and a laugh from them.

“Would you mind if we opened the windows? As Jisung delicately pointed out, it doesn’t smell the best.”

“Whatever,” the voice that came out of him didn’t sound like his own, a subtle mix of dehydration and days of non-utilization transforming it in a caveman’s sound. 

The reaction was apparently enough for them because the light and a breeze of air immediately followed through, making Hyunjin groan at the light. Jisung must have made a joke (probably about vampires) because Felix chuckled while getting Hyunjin’s bangs out of his puffy eyes. Now, he was painfully aware of how gross and long his hair had become. A hole didn’t seem deep enough to be buried in.

“Hello you,” said Felix, softly smiling. “Seungmin told us you haven’t been taking your meds too.”

“Great. Perfect. What else has Seungmin told you? To come and throw a pity party for me?”

“Actually, I think he yelled at us more than he talked. You have great friends.”

“I do, don’t I?” The bitterness in his voice did not escape Jisung who glanced at Felix over his shoulder.

“We’re going in the living room, you can come if you want, I’m making dinner for you,” the mention of food made Hyunjin a bit sick but before he could say so, his stomach growled loud enough for Jisung to snicker and leave the room without further ado.

As Hyunjin burrowed his head in his pillow, he felt a hand run through his hair before disappearing. He immediately missed it.

The gentle rumble of a living house, the breeze ruffling his hair, and the pit of anger and guilt in his stomach made Hyunjin take the first step since days out of his bed.

In his living room, surprisingly clean - courtesy of Yeji and Seungmin -, Felix and Jisung were sitting on the floor at his table and whispered quietly to each other. Jisung was the first to notice him and he smiled with the heart-shaped smile of his, the one he only used when he was genuinely happy to see someone. Upon his feet and leaving the last kiss on a confused Felix’s cheeks, the vision of a determined Jisung coming at him shouldn’t have felt so scary.

“I’m leaving you two to discuss,” said Jisung, stopping right before entering the kitchen. “Sorry for last time.”

“It’s ok, I deserved it.”

“You kind of did. See you in a few.”

Nervewracking was too kind of a word to describe the situation. At least, it was pretty much confirmed that Jisung didn’t hate his guts – which was always appreciable. Now, another trial was in front of him; facing Felix.

The pillow was still warm from Jisung when Hyunjin sat on it.

“I got a restraining order on that guy, I don’t know why I waited this long really,” started Felix, his chin in his hand, looking straight into Hyunjin’s eyes; he looked way better than the last time he saw him but that didn’t mean much, to be honest. Something sad was still stuck in him, in the twist of his mouth, on the red of his nose, on the deep of his eyes.

“It’s not your fault, he’s the one being a fucked up human being and you shouldn’t have to deal with this shit,” finally snapped Hyunjin, grabbing Felix’s free hand into his. The movement was so sudden it left Felix speechless for a few seconds before he broke into a fond smile.

“Thank you, Jinnie. I’m going to be better; I have good people around me.”

Hyunjin frowned.

“I’m really sorry about last time. I don’t have good excuses, I just fucked up big time and I know I hurt you and I wish I could just undo it but I can’t. The fact you’re even here when I’m such a terrible person is-”

“Hyunjin, no one said that. You’re not a terrible person, you made a mistake, but it doesn’t mean you have to stop living because of it, ok? Everyone makes mistakes, the thing is to not dwell on it forever and work on being a better person.”

“Please don’t say that I feel even worse because I feel like I’m manipulating you into thinking I’m a good person and…”

“Hyunjin, I have seen bad people. I have lived and slept with one for longer than I should have had and from the bottom of my heart, I do not believe you are one, and I am a grown adult capable of making a judgment for myself so don’t cry to convince me otherwise or else I am going to get really angry.”

“I understand.”

Felix’s expression softened and he stroked the back of his hand with his thumb in silence, letting both of them proceed with the well-needed discussion. It wasn’t much but the weight that had been compressing Hyunjin’s chest had been lifted a little and the breath he took, as shaky as it was, filled his body with new strength.

He was going to be fine.

“Do you want a hug?”

He didn't need to think twice about the sudden proposition, and Hyunjin hadn’t finished his shy nod before a crash coming from the kitchen interrupted them.

“Sungie, are you ok?” yelled Felix as Jisung busted in the living room with a spatula in hand, held like a sword.

“Never been better! I made rice and didn’t burn it!” Jisung’s hair looked like he had been passing his fingers through it a lot, but his crooked smile assured them everything was ok. His eyes fell into their intertwined hands, making his mouth forming a small ‘o’, and Hyunjin removing quickly his hands to put them on his legs like a child caught something he wasn’t allowed to. That wasn’t too far from reality though. But didn’t Jisung didn’t looked either visibly upset nor even bothered. “Oh, I interrupted something?”

“No, you’re perfectly on time actually, come here,” Felix didn’t wait for Jisung to ask questions to drag him with them.

Before he knew what was happening, Hyunjin was engulfed in warmth.

For the first time in weeks, being touched didn’t make him want to rip his skin off. It was still a bit uncomfortable, Jisung’s grip was definitely too right while Felix’s one was softer but almost as firm, but it wasn’t unbearable.

The fruity and sandalwood aroma mixed into what he could confidently call his home.

The muffled voice of Jisung against his shoulder broke the comforting silence, huskier than normal but strong enough to be heard clearly.

“Guys, my rice is definitely burning now, can you let go?”

The rice was not burnt and too salty, but it may have just been the tears. For once, it didn’t taste bitter.

☾✦☾

“What if he doesn’t like me anymore?”

“Jinnie, I think you just have to enter to have the answer.”

The door of his sister's apartment has never been more terrifying. For all the time of his depressive episode, Yeji had decided to take in Nabi and logically, it was a wise decision, the best that could have been made in those circumstances. But now that Hyunjin was faced with the consequences, he wasn’t sure anymore.

“This corridor is nice but not that nice. If you’re not doing anything in the next five minutes I’m knocking myself.”

“Jisung,” said Felix with that fatally disappointed voice of his. “Let Hyunjin the time to-”

“No, don’t worry, he’s right.”

The ‘Of course I am’ from Jisung was muffled by either a kiss or a hand being put on his mouth but Hyunjin didn’t have the heart to check. The wood under his knuckles hurt a bit more than he planned and Jisung snickered when he made a small pained moan.

They decided to come with Hyunjin for ‘emotional support’ but he started to seriously doubt that. During the ride, Jisung had blasted his music, ignoring Hyunjin’s complaints and he had been useless to prevent an improvised karaoke to happen. As Hyunjin discovered today, Jisung had a nice singing voice. He wondered if it was anything he wasn’t good at, actually.

The Twice cover distracted him until now.

The door opened to a disheveled Yeji who sighed happily seeing him and dragged him into a hug. Physical affection was something Hyunjin craved but never really dared to do much with his sister. It just felt weird, a bit off but as he melted into the firm grip of Yeji’s arms, Hyunjin thought he had been an idiot.

“Glad to see you, little bro,” whispered Yeji in his shoulder, her hands still rubbing his back when she broke their embrace.

“Oh, so Hyunjin is the youngest!”

One thing with Jisung is that it was pretty much impossible to forget he was there. Yeji brightened at the voice and discreetly made an impressed face at Hyunjin before turning back to the couple. Suddenly, years of ranting about how great boys -- and especially Felix -- were felt like Hyunjin’s biggest mistake in life.

“I have no idea actually, but hello guys, nice to see you!”

“I love your eyeliner today,” said Felix softly, intertwining his arm with Jisung’s.

“You’re cute, but you don’t have to try to make a good first impression, I have heard enough praises about you, I think I could write a whole book about it,” laughed Yeji, entering the flat and leaving Felix and Hyunjin with a soft pink on their cheeks. Unbothered at the bomb she just dropped – Hyunjin should really stop telling her things – Yeji looked at them before going into her room. “Minho is here, but please don’t form the broken heart club while I go get Nabi and his things.” 

“No promise!”

Yeji’s pointed look made Hyunjin do the widest and fakest smile he could, and he avoided his sister’s punch by a narrow margin. It was good to be back home.

Lying on the couch like the prettiest yet saddest mermaid in the ocean, Minho was apparently watching a drama on television, but the sound was too low for it to be truly audible. Some pillows had been thrown on the ground, making Jisung almost fall as he tripped on one of them. The sound caught Minho’s attention and his pouts transformed into a surprised smile when he noticed Felix and Hyunjin.

“My favorite dongsaengs! Come and give a hug to the poor disposable hag that I am,” whined Minho, opening his arms and making grabby hands at him.

They both laughed nervously, looking at each other and silently asking what the hell had happened. Minho had never looked less than pristine in public -- even in Yeji’s flat, he would look out of a runway with a victorian era theme. 

Trying to not show his concern, Hyunjin sank into Minho’s open arms and was immediately crushed into a tight embrace. From the side, Jisung didn’t hide his full-on laugh at Hyunjin’s grimace and he looked away from Felix’s strange expression. His disillusion went too far sometimes.

Minho had buried his head into Hyunjin’s hair and if he hadn’t been concerned before, the sniffling sound definitely sold it to him. As best as he could, Hyunjin passed his arms behind Minho’s back and rubbed it in what he hoped to be a comforting fashion.

“Who broke your heart?”

“Who didn’t.”

“Oh wow, mood.”

“I understand Yeji’s warning better now,” muttered Jisung, less subtly than he thought he was. “I need a drink for this.”

“No, you don’t,” sighted Felix but a silent agreement must have been made during the time Hyunjin had been patting Minho’s head as both of them left the living room, leaving them alone. Having escaped Minho’s tight embrace, Hyunjin was still watching his friend’s pout with concern.

“Are you… are you ok?”

“No, I’m not,” whined Minho, putting his forehead on Hyunjin’s shoulder, fake sobbing. “Why do boys see my face and don’t immediately propose to me. I’m just… tired of feeling like a trophy or a dirty secret because I’m too much, you know.”

“You’re not too much! And I would propose to you!”

“Darling, don’t be too greedy, there are already two amazing boys waiting for you - admittedly not as wonderful as me but still.”

“Seriously, you deserve to be happy Minho, I’m sorry it happened to you… It’s the TA, is it? I know he looks buff, but I can totally take him down in a fight, he’s too tiny.”

“How do you kn- Doesn’t matter anyway, please focus on yourself, for now, darling, I’ll be fine. He just… He had these eyes while looking at me, I really thought he could be the one.”

“I know how you feel.”

Minho made an upset noise from the back of his throat before sinking back into Hyunjin’s chest. After weeks of feeling upset and useless, being able to comfort someone, even with something as small as a hug, strangely made Hyunjin a bit better. Of course, he wanted his friends happy but the fact only Minho was willing to share his heart with him was precious and important.

Also, Hyunjin badly needed to kick some ass back at university.

“Aww look who’s ther- FUCK.”

The cursing was quickly accompanied by a disgruntled meowing that made Hyunjin’s heart skip a beat – especially when a little ball of black fur speeded in the living room.

“My baby!” Minho had the life-saving reflex to get up before Hyunjin threw himself off the couch to the little cat, which was swept into his arms and showered with kisses. “Look at you, you’re so grown and beautiful and wonderful-”

“Just so you know he destroyed my couch and just bit my hand.”

“He’s perfect, how dare you.”

Yeji, arms full of boxes and cat biscuits, had only an eye-roll as defense, but Hyunjin was too busy cooing over his cat to mind. He missed the little monster more than he realized.

“Oh wow, he grew a lot,” gasped Felix, coming back from behind Yeji and immediately going to pet the kitten's head with little noise that would make Hyunjin's embarrassed for anyone who wasn't Felix.

But it was Felix and he was allowed to boop his kitty nose while calling him the cutest gremlin on earth. A wave of nostalgia crashed onto Hyunjin as he remembered the time he found Nabi and rushed to Felix. Their situation was so much different now, but he wouldn't go back for the life of him.

“Do you want to hold him?” Hyunjin finally asked, and the other brightened so hard he might have gone blind for a few seconds.

“If you don’t mind.”

“I think he likes you more than me,” laughed Hyunjin, as Felix carefully took the kitten in a safer position in his arms.

“Not that it’s hard.”

Jisung who has sneaked out to hug Felix from behind dramatically fell on the couch after being elbowed by his boyfriend.

Putting Nabi into the car did not stop the previous nostalgia, a deja vu from months before except he had an actual box to put him in and Jisung was yelling into his ear about slowing down, so the cat won’t get sick (the cat wouldn’t but Hyunjin still did because Jisung looked a bit pale).

Past-Hyunjin would be freaked out to find out Felix was even in his car, but he was proud to say he only was now a little bit freaked out. Enough to almost speed off at a red light but still get them home safely.

“It’s your turn to make dinner, Sungie,” declared Felix as soon as they took off their shoes at home, carefully moving Nabi’s box into the living room.

“Can’t we just order-”

Felix looked thoughtfully at the bag of the nearest chicken place that we're still laying in their kitchen when Jisung finally decided to give up and mumbled something about making the worst ramen in the world before starting to get out the pots.

He was more bark than bite and both Hyunjin and Felix knew how much he actually liked the results of his cooking and the praises ensured by it. It was a win-win situation because there was not, in fact, something they liked more than praising Jisung.

Hyunjin observed Nabi putting his nose out of his box, smelling the air, coming back into the box before sprinting out of it and going to hide under the couch. During this little ritual, Felix had back hugged him and put his head on his shoulder, their height difference making Hyunjin bend his knees a bit for the other’s comfort.

“I’m proud of you for today.”

“I didn’t do anything, really.”

“It’s ok if you don’t think you did, I’m still proud of you.”

Hyunjin believed him.

☾✦☾

“When you said ‘a calm afternoon with Jisung’, it’s not exactly what I pictured...”

“What do you mean painting an entire house isn’t the calmest activity you could do?”

Dressed in overalls and a headband on Jisung’s hair, the only thing that betrayed some activity on the couple was the stain of paints in their cheeks. When Hyunjin had been called that morning and got told to dress ‘cozy, like cozy you can fuck up and there would be no problem ” he should have known there was something weird about it. Or when the GPS started to guide him into Seoul’s countryside and straight to a forest.

Thankfully, this wannabe horror scenario turned out to be only an ambush of different sorts. Jisung’s grandma had suddenly judged the wallpaper of her secondary residence too old and had called her favorite grandson at the rescue. Turned out Jisung was an only child to his mom and Hyunjin wasn’t the only one tricked in this story.

A side covered by the vines and several wisterias shadowing the garden and the house, he found himself hard to be mad at all to be here. All morning he had been stuck trying to write something half decent for his new video and, with his vlogging camera in his bag, he might have found the perfect topic.

Patiently waiting as Hyunjin made some shots of the outside of the house, Felix and Jisung had been giggling about some stuff on Jisung’s phone and waved at the camera when it was directed at them – Felix’s bright smile almost overexposing the shot. Hyunjin was shushed away when told so but Jisung’s discreet high five was worth it.

Vlogging in front of people had always felt weird for Hyunjin, even with Seungmin or Yeji, but for some reasons, he couldn’t stop but film Felix and Jisung in every of their move, entranced by the smallest quirks of theirs; was it due to the scenery, the old house with green shutter and pale pink brick, or the fact they did not even seem bothered by the camera as they played around with him, being as cheesy and funny as they were normally.

Hyunjin was happy he brought his camera, but he wasn’t sure if he was going to post it anymore. Maybe he would let himself be selfish enough to keep those smiles for himself.

When Jisung started to whine about how they were never going to finish it before nightfall, Hyunjin put down his phone and threw on an old pair of overalls that smelled like they weren’t used in decades – and it probably wasn’t far from reality. And, as Felix pointed out, Jisung was dressing like that the rest of the year anyway.

A paint and civil war avoided later; they finally began to paint the wall with the worst shade of beige Hyunjin had ever seen. Two walls in, Jisung agreed it was, in fact, looking like someone pooped in the walls and they opted for a pastel green that looked way better in everyone’s opinion – mostly Hyunjin to be honest, Felix still thought it looked like they were in the middle of Little House on the Prairie but they were starting to be very late on their schedule.

Definitely not the promised calm afternoon promised and somehow, it was even better. The pace they had settled in worked well and feeling actually productive offered a sensation Hyunjin had lost for a while but was more than happy to find back. Jisung, on the other hand, was visibly getting more and more fidgety as time went by, getting constantly distracted, despite Felix’s constant attempt to keep him entertained.

It went a bit like this:

“You know that movie where they fuck in the paint?”

“That’s the least sexy way you told me you wanted to fuck so far.” 

Felix shook his brush full of paint in Jisung’s way, making him scream as a rain of pastel green covered his overall. From seeing Felix, Hyunjin snickered but shut up quickly at Felix’s cold stare. 

“Asshole, I’m not saying I want to fuck,” said Felix, crossing his arms across his chest, making paint drip down his shoes. “Just, they must have smelt so bad afterward? With the paint everywhere...”

“You’re not dedicated enough to your art babe, what is your health and comfort over a memory worthy to be written rhapsody about.”

“Hyunjin is the only sane one in this relationship, oh my god.”

The part of the wall Hyunjin was focusing on was probably going to be a darker color from the rest of the room, his brush going and coming on the same small part of the surface. Was it due to a particular attachment to good work or his fluttering heart?

A bit of both probably.

Felix has talked as if he was a part of their relationship. Like they had a relationship. A smooch-smooch relationship. A hold-hand-until-you-fall-asleep relationship. The paint was probably getting to his head.

“Babe, can you come to help me please,” called Felix, tiptoeing to reach out for a brush stuck in the top of a wardrobe. Hyunjin mindlessly thought that Jisung wasn’t going to be much help before Felix turned back to him, a too-cute pout on his lips. “Babe? Jinnie? Can you get this for me?”

It took a few seconds for Hyunjin to truly understand what was happening and a bit more to unfreeze and hurry to go help Felix – the nickname ringing in his head. Was this day made to trick him into losing it and confess right away? Because it did not sit right with him.

“Won’t it be great to take a break? It feels a bit hot in here.”

“Yes!” Jisung was out of the room before Felix had the time to react.

“I think we all need a break, indeed,” said Felix, putting down his previously acquired brush and looked at Hyunjin with a knowing look. “Thank you, darling.”

The intricately designed iron chairs were surprisingly comfortable, the wisteria Hyunjin had previously noticed casted shadows on their slumped forms. Felix took a sip of his lemonade, making the ice cubs clash into a clear sound while the cicada belted out their interminable melody. The late afternoon breeze felt hot on their skins, and their poor attempts at hiding in the house’s shadow were vain.

Even the camera in his bag could not capture the peace of the moment.

“How great would it be to live in a house like that,” Felix sighed dreamily while looking at the house – their work barely visible from outside but the smell of paint still in the air. “That would be nice, no?”

“You would cry about the lack of Wi-Fi two days in,” pointed out Jisung, mixing lazily his lemonade in his glass. Hyunjin made it and he was pretty sure it was way too lemony but Jisung had insisted to drink a full glass.

“Not true! I love nature and I need a social media break anyways. What's more refreshing than a house in the middle of a forest?"

"I mean you do look kind of looks like a flower fairy or something, so you fit right in," said Hyunjin, earning him an air kiss from Felix and a kick in the shin from Jisung. 

Jisung pouted at his lack of air kiss. "But Hyunjin does Youtube so you can't go here.”

“I’m sure we could just get a router or something, it’s not a problem,” dismissed Felix with a wave of a hand. “Jisung is just being mean and he will stay alone in his small downtown flat.”

“Thanks babe…”

“I’m joking, of course, I want you there, love youuuu.”

Felix reached for the hands of a disgruntled Jisung who threw himself into Hyunjin’s arms in response.

“Both of you are traitors. Now go water the flowers or something, I’ll be here looking pretty and watching my strong and manly partners do all the housework.”

“Isn’t this considered dictatorship?”

“If I didn’t do it, you wouldn’t have one clean boxer, Jisung.”

“I live to serve you.”

“Wow this is a dictatorship…” mumbled Hyunjin, pulling his hair into a ponytail and almost lost his balance when Jisung ran behind him to escape the glare of his boyfriend.

“Get out!”

Underneath Felix’s laughter, they both flew in the garden to get the hose and an old green watering can worn out by the years.

“Felix is on fire today.” Jisung hummed, focusing on the flowerbed he was currently watering, some orchids and lilacs who fought to survive in the scorching heat; beads of sweat making both of their faces gleam, the proof that the sun did not only affect the flowers. They had escaped it inside but now that the sun had made his way directly onto them, humans and plants were equals in pain. Apparently finishing with the brush he was on, Jisung looked at Hyunjin, an apparent redness on the bridge of his nose. Hyunjin wondered if flowers could get sunburn – at least one could. “It’s great to see him like this.”

“It really is,” Jisung touched gently the bud of a yet to bloom flower. “We’re also very glad you seem happy these days.”

“Aww, you care me.”

“Just a little.”

“Thank you,” it was maybe the most vulnerable Hyunjin had allowed himself to be with Jisung alone and the other must have felt that because he leaned near him slightly; a comfortable presence even if the too-hot air.

Their little bubble was pop soon enough by a deep voice coming from behind, a still sleepy from his nap Felix who cooed at their proximity.

“Hi my favorite humans, what are you talking about?” he asked, looking over their shoulder and putting his head on Jisung’s to observe their flowers. “God it’s so hot, why doesn’t your grandma have a pool already?”

The look Hyunjin and Jisung exchanged made Felix back down slowly.

“What are you doing- Jisung put that hose down right now-”

☾✦☾

Hyunjin’s recent Google search history: moving out for countryside, funny cat foods, good tripods, how to ask people out

☾✦☾

Jisung and Felix were late. Which wasn’t an extraordinary thing in itself, Hyunjin had learned through hardship and worried calls that neither of them was good at keeping track of the time and they weren't good judges of when taking naps was a good idea.

However, it didn’t make the waiting go faster and Hyunjin was starting to feel restless, alone at the bus stop they were supposed to meet at. No one was answering the phone and calling Seungmin to pick him up was too humiliating, even for them.

Usually, the wait was not so bad and Hyunjin had developed a mobile game addiction that made Jisung mad when it transferred not only in the wait time but also in the time they spent together. Hyunjin liked to point out it was actually his fault if it came down to this point, almost always followed by Felix’s boisterous laugh and Jisung’s whine.

But today, it was different. The little reminder on his phone woke him up this morning and formed a ball of anxiety in his stomach for the rest of the day. Two months today. Two months since he had cleared things up with the couple. Two months since they’ve pretty much seen each other every day, that they practically moved in with him, all their clothes scattered on his floor and their toothbrushes sat next to his in the bathroom.

Two months since Hyunjin fell more deeply in love than he had ever fathomed to be possible.

He was probably the only one remembering this, but it did not stop him from going overboard. A little box with too many promises in the bottom of his bag, Hyunjin had left the house with sweaty hands and a pounding heart.

Now, the embarrassment of waiting and letting buses go past him for 20 minutes straight calmed him down a bit.

Someone honked loudly in the street, startled him enough to almost drop his phone. Either it was a gross man catcalling girls in the street – likely, but Hyunjin was also completely alone in the street – or…

“Get in loser, we’re going to your boyfriends’ place!”

Grinning from his driver’s seat, Seungmin looked like the personification of trouble.

“Not my boyfriends,” grumbled Hyunjin as he got into the car and buckled his belt as Seungmin speeded on the empty road. “How did you know I needed a ride?”

“A little birdie told me.”

“They forgot, didn’t they?”

“I have the right to keep silent.”

Seungmin turned up the radio’s sound to drown Hyunjin’s complaints. Paul Kim got the better of Hyunjin and he settled for pouting and looking out the window. Despite that, the silence was comfortable, the familiar and grounding presence of Seungmin letting Hyunjin get rid of the last knot of insecurity in his stomach. Even if none of it worked out, he wouldn’t be alone.

Dropping him in front of the building, Seungmin left with an ominous ‘good luck’ that confirmed Hyunjin that he had not been the most discreet by asking what kind of jewelry he thought could be good for lovers.

Google had been useless at this point anyway and he had needed trusted opinions.

Felix opened the door and, as it happened often these days, Hyunjin felt his heart stop. Even in sweatpants and a big hoodie -- Felix’s usual at-home outfit -- he looked good but today, it was obvious he made some kind of effort in his appearance. Stopping at his mid-thigh, the pastel blue skirt looked as soft as the smile he was offering him; Hyunjin couldn’t help but remember Felix’s saying it was his ‘important milestone’ piece of clothes -- something about meeting Jisung with it.

There was a slight trace of makeup on his face, glitter on his cheeks that might as well be his freckles but Hyunjin didn’t let himself the time to wallow on it.

“It smells weird,” finally Hyunjin settled to said, drifting his attention from Felix’s legs to carefully putting his shoes parallel to each other. Jisung liked it better like that.

“What do you mean?”

“Jisung didn’t try a new recipe again?” 

“Be nice.”

Laughing while narrowly avoiding the shoe Felix tried to hit him with, Hyunjin didn't stop from feeling something was different in the apartment. And it must be seriously wrong for him to directly notice it as he came in; he did not even that one time he walked into Felix’s extra work -- a cage with an angry canary staring right back at him.

No one was hurt in this unfortunate encounter except Hyunjin’s pride as he cried a little in Jisung’s shirt.

The decoration didn’t change, usual fairy lights and very abstract -- kind of obscene if you looked at it closely -- paintings hanging on the walls as usual. Jisung hadn’t even come to welcome Hyunjin at the door but he only assumed it was because he was busy doing whatever Jisung did in his spare time. Last he knew, the additional paintings were his works.

“Aw, Jinnie, can you help carry this big thing please,” Felix suddenly asked, innocently beating his lashes at Hyunjin.

Before he could argue that Felix was way stronger than him and he would probably do it faster without him, Felix was already pushing him in a room he knew was the bedroom. Hyunjin really hoped it wasn’t the bed because, aside from his obvious lack of physical strength, he didn’t want to confess as a sweaty mess.

Or he could impress Felix, he needed to better his odds after all. With newfound determination, Hyunjin opened the door wide.

“Surprise!”

Startled by the shout and the confetti cannon, Hyunjin jumped and his back hit Felix’s who thankfully had anticipated his reaction and laughed while hugging his waist from behind. While Hyunjin got himself together from the sudden assault, Felix made his way to Jisung, for them to make a pose to proudly show what was around them. 

And, wow, that was something. Messily put on the wall, tied with each other, red roses hung and covered two walls and a half -- probably because they didn’t have the time to finish it. Still, those strings of flowers descending to the ground, as clumsy as they were, made Hyunjin’s heart flutter.

It couldn’t be…

“Is it for me?” Hyunjin felt dizzy, but it was only maybe caused by the overwhelming scent of the flowers. “Is it a date?”

The tone was meant to be teasing but his voice cracked in the middle of the sentence, betraying him and his insecurity. He wasn’t sure if he could handle all of this being just a joke. 

“It’s actually our fourth but thank you for noticing I guess.”

“I told you we should have been clear from the start,” mumbled Jisung, seemingly chill for an unexpert eye but Hyunjin could see the way his leg was bouncing quicker than usual and the rose he was fumbling with had half of his petals teared up.

“Well, you chickened out too, don’t put the blame on me!”

“I-” started Jisung, looking at Hyunjin for any kind of support but stopped immediately. “Wait, Hyunjin are you crying?”

“Am I?” Hyunjin touched his cheeks and was surprised to find it wet. “It’s not bad tears, at least I don’t think so?”

“Did we upset you? I’m sorry if you need, we-” 

Felix lifted his hand to caress Hyunjin’s face but stopped midway and slowly retreated his hand, as if he was afraid to touch him. Hyunjin didn’t want Felix to be afraid to touch him. He didn’t want to see the worry on Jisung’s face either.

“Were you serious?”

“Yes, we are! Look at Jisung, isn’t that the most serious he ever been?” 

As to prove his point, Felix pointed at Jisung, who clearly had no idea he was going to be included in the conversation and after obvious panic flashing on his face, he frowned his eyebrows and nodded.

This clumsy attempt at seriousness only helped to shatter the tensed atmosphere that had previously build-up. Hyunjin snorted, while Felix kissed Jisung’s cheeks -- who was confused at Hyunjin’s sudden change of behavior.

There was no need to make it complicated, Hyunjin realized. 

For the past few months, past the endless gay meltdown, the three of them had been fitting together like puzzle pieces. Knowing about their quirks, their habits, searching on google how the fuck to get paint stains out of a shirt, holding Felix when nights were too hard, and kissing Jisung’s cheeks when thoughts were too loud; it had all felt so familiar that it only dawned on Hyunjin now how domestic it all had been. Nothing big needed to shift, nothing more could be said or done to show how much Hyunjin loved his boys.

But seeing Jisung and Felix’s eager faces Hyunjin also realized there was one thing he could do.

“Can I kiss you?”

“I was waiting for you to ask.”

Putting his hand on Felix’s small waist, Hyunjin felt so close to bursting -- into anything really, tears or confetti – he was pretty sure Felix could feel him shaking because he put his hands on his cheeks and reached for his lips.

Their noses clashed clumsily against each other and Hyunjin was ready to cry but Felix giggled at their awkwardness, saving Hyunjin and his eagerness from complete embarrassment, and wrapped his arms around his neck before trying once again. This time, no noses were hurt on the process, the sweet taste of Felix’s chopstick being the only thing worth focusing on.

It was sweet; maybe the sweetest first kiss he ever had. It fitted Felix in every important way possible, gentle and soft and making Hyunjin want to drown and never came back from this moment.

Unsurprisingly, it was Felix that broke the kiss first, to Hyunjin’s great displeasure but his whine only got him another small peck on the lips.

“You’re a good kisser.”

“Is it cheesy to say I have trained all my life for this moment?”

“Yes, but I’m letting you go with this one purely because you’re cute.”

“How generous.”

“And me?” whined Jisung, his arms crossed against his chest, pouting. “I’m the one who organized all of this! I deserved two kisses!”

Hyunjin caught him by the back of the neck to pull him at him before he could complain more.

Where Felix was soft, Jisung was rough; their teeth clashing with each other with the eagerness and frustration of months of build-up. It was cathartic in a way, to have Jisung pull at his hair, to bite his lip in the heat of the moment, to just have Jisung against his body, hot and fiery – passionate even in his kisses.

“Oh, let me get a better shot, you are the cutest.”

They heard a loud thump in a ground, a swear and at last, a sigh of relief. Standing next to their bookcase and a few open books at his feet, Felix was holding tightly a camera he waved at them to confirm it was not broken. Hyunjin squinted his eyes at the camera and the little red dot blinking at the top of it – his suspicions confirming itself when Felix pointed the lens at them without touching anything else on the device.

“Wait did you film the whole thing?”

Probably feeling the misunderstanding coming, Jisung immediately wrapped his arms back around Hyunjin’s neck to catch his attention and steal him another small kiss. “Well, we thought it would be cute to be reminded of this moment, as you like to film everything! And also, good content for your channel, am I right?”

“I love you guys…”

“Oh no, don’t cry again please, I love you too, we love you so so much.”

It was a matter of seconds before Hyunjin was showered in kisses again, this time by both pairs of eager lips who made it their mission to not miss a spot.

“Now we need to get all those roses out of our apartment because it really smells.”

His complaints were buried under more embraces and promises but it was not for the world to see.

Only three boys.