Chapter Text
"Yo, what's up?" Soobin collapses on the soft cashmeres of the van's seat, wheezing from the run that he did just to avoid the swarming reporters and fans that were waiting for him in front of the hotel that they checked him in.
"What do you mean what's up?" his manager, Minhyun gives him a pointed look and hands him a bottled water from the front seat as he takes in Soobin's state, his hair disheveled, shirt crumpled, the bags under his eyes more prominent, he looks exhausted and Minhyun can't help but be worried. He knows Soobin has been up all night even though the management gave him time to rest after the scandal broke out, he doubts Soobin gets a blink of sleep anyway. "What happened to you?"
Soobin grumbles under his breathe and sinks further in his seat, "You know what happened."
"Yes, I do but that's not what I meant. I'm asking, what happened to you? You look like shit, man," Minhyun grins when Soobin threw him a glare, throwing his hands up in the air, surrendering.
"Just shut up, hyung. Anyway, how's my schedule today?" Soobin asks, turning his attention away from his manager.
"Tough," Minhyun answers, pulling away from the parking and driving away.
"Tough, huh," Soobin mumbles the word again, making a face. He gets his airpods from his pocket, plugging it in his ears, "I'm gonna rest, don't bother me."
Minhyun shakes his head, throwing one last glance to his artist. He's really worried. Soobin doesn't say much, he rarely expresses his feelings but Minhyun has always been able to see through him. The dating scandal probably took a toll to Soobin eventhough he never said it out loud. He's supposed to have his comeback two months from now but the management decides to withhold it for now, just until the scandal subsides, comeback date now tentative.
The scandal was so unexpected, Soobin have no idea how they were able to dispatch him. He didn't expect the media to tail him that night and concoct an article based on blurry images that they have taken. He should've seen it coming since media likes to plan exclusive news to released just as idols are preparing for a comeback.
(Soobin remembers the monsters that he used to fear under his bed and he wonders if they evolved to become what's known as the media today.)
So this is what really happened; He met this girl during a post-party after an award show, they flirted with each other blah blah, parted, met up again, okay so turned out it wasn't just a one time thing because they met again (Soobin kind of understands this, in his defense no one really stops at once when it's him), they went out for a while, they weren't really serious about each so they decided to fuck it up and Soobin guessed that was how they broke up. It all happened in that particular order.
Soobin was a simple guy, really. So when the scandal suddenly blew up, he was just okay and so what, not until his comeback promotions got affected.
Turns out, the scandal was a pretty much big mess to deal with. He was linked with a girl group member, big name, big personality at that. It wasn't even true, well, kind of, since they really dated. Only for a while. It wasn't even all that fun for Soobin to be frank, the girl was nice and all but she wasn't really that worthy of this mess in Soobin's humble opinion.
But Soobin, well, he may sound like an asshole half of the time but he truly believes he's got his heart in its right place and that he's a fully functional, matured, adult, thank you very much. So yeah, he's responsible for this. It was that thought, the only thing he got or realized or whatever from his supposed 'mediation' last night, with alcohol and cigarettes and all, you know. Because Soobin had become the kind of bastard who have parasitic dependency on bad things, because he's a bad guy who does bad things and what is it again he said earlier? Ah, turns out, his heart wasn't really in the right place.
Beneath his chest, there's no heart. Just black, ugly fog with thorns and claws and all that. Huh. That's a strange way to put it, but that's the truth, he thinks. He wasn't even a person anymore, he's just a Problem. A big fuck Problem with capital P.
You see, Soobin, he's a man of his words, his passion, determination. He doesn't waver, doesn't know how and when to give up. He used to think that's his asset, the good thing about him until it wasn't anymore.
He wanted to be an idol since he was a child, it was his biggest dream so he pursued it until he bled. There came a time when he felt like giving up, but being an idol, it wasn't just his biggest dream, it was his dream for the longest time. At that point, it feels wrong to stop, so he didn't.
He trained for 4 years, started at such a young age, just a skinny teenager who had something to prove. He watched himself lose baby fats and gain muscles, when he lost innocence and gain what.
What did you really gain, Soobin?
Many things, he thinks. Like, his rookie awards, his best male solo artist awards, the titles, the fame, the image, the money.
I don't know, a voice in his head answers anyway.
Soobin doesn't waver. He's got this fiery feeling inside him so he continued. Despite having the critics' eyes on him, feeling naked with clothes on, because six years in the industry, he still have something to prove. To someone. Soobin wanted to show off how rich he was, how awesome life could be after losing himself and giving everything up.
People said big ass parties with champagne towers and chocolate fountains make a person happy, so Soobin rinsed and repeated in all of those, and people said that he was happy. He was god fucking happy.
There was a fiery feeling within him and it burns him harder than any flame can.
What do you wish you had said?
"We have to head back to the company to sort things out, meeting and all and then maybe meet the new choreographer," Minhyun explains, when it has become more apparent that Soobin wasn't really resting at all. He's just. Thinking. Minhyun can see that.
"Fuck," he complains and shuts his eyes to nuzzle his head against the neck pillow with a sigh.
"This is your second scandal already, in this year alone," Minhyun shrugs, "The management doesn't seem surprise anymore really, and the people too, I don't get why they even bother at this point. I mean, it's nothing they haven't handled before so they figured while waiting for the scandal to subside you should work on your next album already, although there's no clear date yet."
Soobin smirks, oddly finding what the older said kinda funny. Ah, it's really fun messing with people like that. "Right," he nods.
"Anyway, I'm really going to rest now. For real. Don't bother me or I'll shut your mouth myself next time," Soobin warns, winking at his manager through the rareview mirror.
Minhyun laughs, loud and boisterous, "Oh, feisty."
Soobin smiles. The first real one after so many days. It's never been so easy to be with Minhyun.
"You're sober, right?" Minhyun asks before they enter the building. He scoffed when he saw Soobin rolling his eyes at him.
"That's the third time you asked and this is the third time I'll answer yes. And no, Minhyun, don't fucking smirk, it's not funny. It's annoying," Soobin walks ahead of his manager. His head held up high when people start to look at him, scrutinizing gazes fell on him the moment he entered Bighit's main building.
Ah, Minhyun's words. Right. Why do people even bother at this point. What are they surprise for.
Soobin only shakes his head and whistles, he even puts a show of whistling while walking. Laughing to himself when some of the staffs shake their heads seeing him. Ha, they're always fun to mess with. Soobin wonders what he should do to annoy them more.
Minhyun nudges him from the side but when Soobin looks at him, he doesn't really look annoyed, he just looked amused.
"You have to attend the meeting first by the way," Minhyun informs him.
Soobin pouts, a whine ready at the tip of his tongue when Minhyun beats him to it, "It's necessary, your presence is needed there, c'mon, don't be a baby."
"What, fuck you, no," Soobin laughs, playfully punching Minhyun on the arm, "It's boring there, don't wanna."
"Minhyun," Soobin whispers, leaning heavily on Minhyun, though his voice isn't really hushed, "It's fucking boring."
Minhyun shoots him a glare when the staff addressing the scandal suddenly stopped speaking, looking wide-eyed at Soobin. Actually, it's not just him. Everyone looked at Soobin, with all their suits and ties glory.
Okay, fine, that wasn't really a whisper. And it wasn't really so professional of him. But Soobin, unlike what he's been saying to Minhyun since earlier, wasn't really all that sober. He's petty right now, that's what he is.
"Mr. Choi, you've caused a big problem to the company, a scandal! For the second time, this year, just this year. We are swarmed with calls and we're trying hard to keep all your endorsements for the next month liable, the least you can do is actually listen--"
Soobin closes his eyes and massages his temples. He doesn't want to listen to this right now, he's so fucking annoyed. When he was just about to retort something, because, well, he's petty like that, someone walked in that caused all the staffs to stand up and bow their heads. When Soobin turned to look, it was Bang Sihyuk, ah, of course, the chairman's here.
"Let's dismiss this meeting for now, I'd like to talk to Mr. Choi alone," the man addresses kindly.
Before leaving, Minhyun gives him a look that screams 'be in your best behavior or else.'
Soobin sighs. It's gonna be a long day.
And a long talk.
When it's just the two of them, Soobin stands up and bows. He respects Sihyuk Pd-nim like his father, of course he will be at his best behavior.
When he was a trainee, BigHit wasn't really a big company just yet. It was just, there. Sihyuk Pd-nim was one of the few people who believed that he can climb the top. He was the one who raised him to be the respected artist he is now (although not so much earlier), he was the one who pointed Soobin his path, who scolded him when Soobin can't even believe in himself anymore, who constantly tells him to do better, who, even from how far Soobin has come today, would not even say he's proud of Soobin just yet.
SiHyuk Pd-nim was everything good and bad in Soobin's memory. He was a father, he was a teacher, he was arrogant, and greedy and sumptuous. He pushed Soobin when he said he can't do it anymore and it was something he's both grateful and regretful of.
They never said it but the industry-- it was a gamble. And Big Hit was a business and Choi Soobin was one hell of a product.
Life is so fucking stupid. It couldn't get stupider than this. Soobin sighs when he entered his friend's studio, seeing his familiar face beaming at him when the younger spots him.
He looks stupid with that bandana, Beomgyu what the fuck.
Soobin tells him that.
Beomgyu just pouts at him, smacking the artist at his chest then immediately wrapping his arms around the older, "But Soobin hyung! Admit it, you missed my handsome face."
"Why the fuck would I? Your face still looks stupid as ever," Soobin hugs the younger back, ruffling his hair.
"Well, unlike you, you look like shit!"
"Wow, thanks."
"That's the truth! What happened to you?" Beomgyu scolds him, dragging him to make him sit at the couch.
When Soobin opts to speak, Beomgyu smacked him again, this time at his head.
"What the fuck, Beomgyu!"
"Now answer me!"
"I'm your hyung, kid."
"That's not the answer I need."
"No! But it means, respect me!"
"You're not my dad," Beomgyu retorts.
"Except I am. Respect, kid!"
Beomgyu sighs, standing up and throwing a bottled water at Soobin, all the while looking so done.
Soobin doesn't know if he should laugh or be offended.
"Anyways, back to business. We're already through recording your songs since last two weeks ago, so the only thing you need to work on now is the choreography. I already sent a copy of your songs to your manager by the way, as expected they are amazing, gonna top the charts, I'm sure."
Soobin wonders how easily it is for Beomgyu to be so child-like and then professional the next second.
"Yeah, figured."
"Hyung," Beomgyu calls.
Soobin throws him a look, creasing his brow at his direction, "What?"
"Stop running. If you're tired, rest. No one's gonna hold it against you."
( Sihyuk's voice sounds taunting, "If you're not what people expect you to be, if you stop living up to your reputation, then who are you? Who will care?" )
Beomgyu looks, looks at him. Soobin wonders what Beomgyu sees in him.
When another staff enters the studio, Soobin takes it as his cue to leave, nodding his head and laughing it off as he pats the younger's head before he exits.
"Don't worry about hyung too much, Beomgyu."
Soobin does not go to meet the choreographer. He doesn't think he can deal with anything right now. What he wants right now is sleep, rest. And maybe, a time alone so that he can be pathetic. Cry a little. Ah, no he won't.
He's fine. He's good.
Soobin doesn't even try to contact Minhyun.
He just grabbed his car keys, drove to his home, no, not home, he lost that a long time ago already. He went to his condo. Showered. Sat at his balcony, drank, slept.
He didn't cry. He didn't think.
What do wish you had said?
When Soobin arrived at the company building around noon, his phone still off, he easily found Minhyun at the canteen.
Soobin salutes him when Minhyun spots him. Laughing aloud when his manager kicked him at his shin the moment he sat across him, he guesses, he deserved that.
"I'm Choi Soobin, The Choi Soobin and yet people here treat me like shit, you all surely don't know how to treat a god," Soobin jokes lightly, his face crunch making an appearance.
"You're not a god, fuck off. You little shit, you didn't even messaged me where you went last night, I almost went nuts," Minhyun scolds him, all the while pointing his chopsticks at him. It was so comical, Soobin would've laughed if he wasn't so busy feeling guilty.
Of course, Minhyun got worried. He must've looked for him all night. The thought only adds a heavier weight in his chest. Plus, he was supposed to meet the choreographer yesterday. He ditched the meeting without even giving a heads up to his manager.
Wow, Soobin is such an asshole.
"You fucking do know what shit you did yesterday, right? You were supposed to meet--"
"Yes, yes, I know," Soobin rolls his eyes, "I'm here now, am I not? This is the main reason why there is something called present. Don't indulge in the past. What's in the past is past!"
Soobin cackles when Minhyun gives him a scandalised look, pointing his dirty chopstick at him again, "Don't fucking sway me with your quotes, Choi Soobin! And don't be dramatic, it's just yesterday, what are you saying past."
Soobin shrugs, "Well, you get the drill. Anyway, I'm here now, let's meet him."
"You're very aware that you ditched a very important person, right?"
"What important person? I am the important person here," Soobin says with his whole chest.
"Could you atleast get your head out of your ass for once? Your supposed choreographer was a big man, no, not literally, shut up Soobin, I'm serious," Soobin nods mockingly, grinning widely, "He's a big personality. I heard, he's from, like, US or somewhere, chief choreographer of a dance studio which is very famous apparently, I don't know the particulars though. But you get the point right."
"Yup," Soobin crosses his arms.
Huh, that's interesting.
"And you ditched him," Minhyun says as a matter of fact.
"Yeah, and?"
"God, why am I stuck with you," Minhyun says exasperatedly.
Soobin giggles, standing up. He pats his manager's shoulders while squaring his up, "As I said earlier, I'm here now. Let's go."
Minhyun groans.
Life works in a funny way, Soobin thinks. It's unpredictable and totally annoying. One second he's fine, doing good, then the next he's not, like the universe is pulling a prank on him, testing how long could he be stretched thin. Like the universe find it boring when he's doing good and find it funny when he's feeling like shit. Like looking at an ant dying in a microscope and laughing at the misery of it. Life really likes to fuck him, Soobin thinks he should moan.
"So, where's he?" Soobin asks as they head to the dance building and adds, "Or she?" as an afterthought.
"It's a he, and you know, yesterday he looked so pissed I thought he would null the contract anytime," Minhyun says.
Soobin furrows his brows. Well, it's on him. The man must've been not used by being ditched if he's really some high, glorified choreographer. He imagines how the man would look like, probably a big, bulky man.
"But did he?"
"He didn't," Minhyun sighs, like he cannot believe it himself.
Soobin snorts, "Exactly, he didn't, so," he winks at his manager.
Minhyun rolls his eyes at him.
As he was just about to enter Dance Studio C when his manager squints his eyes at him, "Don't do anything stupid."
"Can't promise," Soobin singsongs.
When he entered, a man-- young man with striking blonde hair (oh wow, such a bold color) stands meters away from them. He wasn't facing them, but Soobin can see that he's got his earphones plugged in his ears, the man's body moving along the beat, not really dancing, but it's enough for him to think that his moves are clean and sharp.
"That's him?"
Soobin thought he looks young for such glorified title.
Minhyun nods, walking towards the man-- the choreographer and tapping his shoulders lightly to get his attention.
When the man turns back, Soobin got his breath knocked out.
Panic crashes him like a riptide, he forgets how to swim.
"Soobin, this is Yeonjun, Choi Yeonjun, he'll be working with you for your album's choreography," Minhyun introduces him.
Soobin paid him no mind, his body stiff, staring wide-eyed at the man, no, Yeonjun. At Yeonjun.
Oh fuck, Yeonjun. Choi fucking Yeonjun. He's here. He's here. Fuck, why didn't Soobin asked for the choreographer's name? Even for once!
Yeonjun looks from Minhyun to Soobin, his eyes-- Soobin realizes they're still the same. They are intense, sharp but not warm, not anymore.
Soobin wondered, what changed.
Yeonjun tilts his head, his eyes scanning Soobin in a way that makes him tongue-tied. It feels like the air thickens with something like tension, if Minhyun notices, he didn't say anything. Yeonjun doesn't even look fazed. Well, that's a given since he probably knew already that he will be working with Choi Soobin, Choi fucking Soobin! He literally accepted the project, so of course. But Soobin, he's, he's everything but calm!
"Soobin?" Minhyun asks tentatively.
Soobin blinks, biting his lips hard. He got this. He's good at this. Pretending. He does it daily that it becomes easy for him, does it naturally, it doesn't need a conscious thought anymore.
Right, he just have to pretend. Smile, charm, repeat. That's all he have to do. But there's something in this situation that feels wrong for Soobin.
He sucks a breath in, forcing his lips to form a smile, offering his hand for a handshake.
"Hi, I'm sorry for the inconvenience I caused yesterday. I'm Choi Soobin," he smiles.
Wrong.
Yeonjun looks at his outstretched hand to his face again, the corner of his lips tugged upward. Wrong.
"Ah, of course, I know you," Yeonjun says.
Soobin's breath hitches.
"Who wouldn't know The Choi Soobin anyway?" Yeonjun chuckles lowly, shaking Soobin's hand, "Well, I'm hoping you know me too."
I know you, of course, how could I forget. You're Choi Yeonjun, born in the year 1999, a son, a dancer, a lover. Soobin knows the story behind each one, the specific way they ache.
Wrong.
"Of course," Soobin wasn't even sure if it was him who spoke, "Of course," he says again, just a little louder.
All wrong.
What do you wish you had said?
So here's a funny story, Soobin quite enjoys looking back.
A lot of things come to mind when you ask someone about Choi Soobin. They'll tell you he's friendly, he's honest, blunt. But among all those things, Soobin is also good at confrontation.
Soobin, at the age of 15 already knew what he wanted. He made it clear to himself already. His dreams, his goals, his needs, his wants.
But there's one problem. You see, Soobin at 15 already knew what he wanted. Or who.
It shouldn't even be an issue. He's just a teenager, hormonal and emotional. What he feels, he thinks, was just a simple attraction. Puppy love. He thinks he can't harbor deep feelings yet, he doesn't even know love, only seen it in movies or dramas where a guy and a girl meet, fall in love, add a little twist and then happy ending. In books though, love is more detailed, described with words he cannot understand yet.
So yes, attraction is normal. Crushing is normal. What Soobin doesn't get though, is why was he attracted to a guy.
A guy.
It doesn't make sense. In dramas his mother loves to watch at noon, he only see men with women.
Soobin, 15 years old, thought it wasn't normal. So he hid.
"Yeonjun hyung," he calls.
"Yeah?" The older turns to him, the ice cream he was holding slowly melting from sheer heat though he didn't give it any attention, only continues to look at Soobin with those eyes. Those sharp eyes that pierced Soobin, it aches.
They are at the park, near their middle school. The sun was just breaking into noon, golden hour making everything seem magical though Soobin likes to think Yeonjun doesn't really need that since he is magic himself. They are both peacefully sitting at the swing, licking their melting ice cream to relieve them from the heat. Soobin feels warm, not because of the weather though. But he won't admit.
"Tell me something," Soobin says. His smile turning shy at the edges, looking away so he wouldn't be blinded by the sunshine personified beside him.
Yeonjun just hummed, giving the younger his undivided attention. It only adds warmth to Soobin's cheeks. Sighs. Crushing is terrible. And amazing. And totally making Soobin's head reel.
"Do you have a crush? Have you had one?" Soobin tilts his head upwards, squinting at the sky. He doesn't notice Yeonjun looking at him, gentle smile on his lips.
"Yeah."
Soobin turns to him quickly. Confusion reflected in his eyes, "Really? Who? Do I know her? Is she pretty? Is she studying at our school? Hyung!"
Soobin refuses to acknowledge the bitter taste in his mouth.
Yeonjun laughs brightly, finishing his ice cream and then standing up, clearly having no plans of answering Soobin's questions. Soobin frowns at that.
"Hyung, tell me, we're best friends," Soobins says with a pout. He's obviously sulking, because his favorite hyung (his favorite person ever) opts to answer him. He wasn't sulking for other ugly reasons. Okay.
Yeonjun only smiles at him, offering his sticky hand to the younger.
Soobin stares and accepts (he'll accept Yeonjun with everything he have). They both have sticky hands anyway and they both don't mind. Soobin smiles at that too.
"You really want to know?"
Soobin nods eagerly that made the older laugh fondly.
"That person is the sky," Yeonjun starts, looking down at their joined hands, slowly intertwining his hands with Soobin's.
"And everything else is just the weather," Yeonjun smiles.
What do you wish you had said?
As soon as Soobin was back on the confines of his van does he draws a sharp intake of oxygen, trying to calm himself. He feels like he would start crying if he doesn't calm himself right now.
Soobin feels too much. Everything feels too little.
Minhyun furrows his brows, looking at him through the rareview mirror, obviously wanting to ask a question but also choosing to respect Soobin's space. In the end, he just gave Soobin a bottled water, silently observing him.
Soobin takes it gratefully, biting his lips hard after drinking. He sharply turns to the window, his hands still shaking on his lap, though other than that he looked fine. The only tell tale of discomfort is from the way he keeps fumbling with his fingers.
Minhyun sighs, "You look like seconds away from having a panic attack, what's wrong?"
Soobin doesn't answer him, relaxing his posture in his seat and shutting his eyes tightly.
"Just rest, we're going to your magazine shooting," Minhyun says, the underlying compose yourself was left unspoken but Soobin gets it.
He nods and when he finally found his voice again, he gives Minhyun a grateful look, "Just a headache, hyung. Thank you."
Soobin was silent for the rest of the drive. Lots of thoughts are running rampant inside his head, too many questions, too many memories flashing back. He doesn't want to think, of them, of him, of the past but he doesn't really know how to stop.
He's back. In his life. Not that it meant anything. He is now Soobin's choreographer. Someone he is supposed to work with, get things done and then forget. Move forward. But Soobin doesn't think he could do that.
How do you act around someone you've shared thousands of memories with?
Soobin deals with struggles well. He's familiar with it. All his life he bled, and it's okay. He gets it. That in order to shine, he needs to bleed first. Cracked his bones. Stretched his skin. Broke his heart. He had let go of a lot of things, his home was one of them.
Facing him again wasn't in his plan. He's dreamt of it but it's something he never dwells on. Soobin knew that facing Choi Yeonjun would bring unnecessary drama and he doesn't think he can deal with that.
Choi Yeonjun was a tragedy. Soobin has accepted that long ago already. He was equal parts the best and the worst memory for Soobin. He was a brother, a friend, a lover and everything he shouldn't think about anymore.
"You need a minute?" Minhyun asks him when they got to the set.
Soobin, for the life of him, was so thankful for having Minhyun as his manager. Sometimes, Soobin likes to think he's more than that. He feels like a family but Soobin wouldn't say it out loud, it's annoying dealing with Minhyun's ego.
"Nah, I'm okay now," Soobin shrugs his coat off, several staffs welcomed him the moment he entered the studio.
Today he have a magazine shooting, thankfully it's just inside a studio so it wouldn't be a hassle for Soobin to deal with occasional reporters trying to dispatch him so people in Korea would have something to gossip about. It's annoying, really, but he's an idol, there would always be an expectation for him to be less human.
He accepted the coffee a staff gave him and thanked him silently, grabbing his phone so the make up artist could start doing her work already.
He furrows his brows when he got a series of texts from Beomgyu, with caps and exclamation marks all over.
annoying choi
yo oldie
kai and i are on a date and you're miserable
oh WAit i think i saw someone
no nevermind it's porbably nkt him
it's not him rite?
okay what tHE FUCK!!!
cHoi SOOBION YOU WONY BELIEVE WHAT I SAW!!!!????
WHAT THE FUCK
WTF
WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOOBIN WER R U
HEY???!!?!!
HE'S HERE??? LIKE??!!!!!!
THE GHOSY OF YOUR PASY
THE KNE U GHOSTED
KIDDING!!
HES REALLY HERE!!!
IN OUR COMPANY BUILDINH
WHAT
NO WAIT
FUUUUUUUUUCK
CHOI SOOBIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Soobin rolls his eyes, pointedly ignoring Beomgyu's texts since he already knew what the younger was making a fuss about anyway. He just probably saw Yeonjun.
Soobin wonders how the younger reacted. Beomgyu and Yeonjun used to be close too. In fact, five of them were.
Soobin hates it, but the truth was that growing apart was a part of growing up.
It's a picture full of adolescent naivety, adolescent bravery and sudden pronouncements of "let's ditch," and "what?" and "c'mon!" and loud laughter, bright faces, mouth smiling and fumbling against knuckles and wrists.
It's so easy being with people you are comfortable with to show your ugliest side, boisterous personality, loud mouth, loud voice, loud eyes.
Soobin thought he can stay young forever like this, with Yeonjun on his side and Huening Kai snickering loudly while watching Beomgyu and Taehyun bicker at his side, strips of moon rays giving light in his dark room, bodies of five growing young men all squished in a tiny, small bed, artificial glowing stars on the ceiling, beaming eyes, beating hearts and an ugly poster of The 1975 band on the bedside.
Soobin likes this. Comfortable. Happy. Contended.
"What is it like?" Taehyun suddenly asked when all of them grew silent, exhaustion catching up on their growing body fast, Soobin almost fell asleep right there and then.
It was Huening Kai who responded with a silent, "What's what like?"
Taehyun suddenly moved from his laying position on top of Huening Kai and Yeonjun, looking at each of their faces, curiosity reflected in his wide, bright eyes, "Adulthood, I mean, what is it like growing up?"
"Are you asking that, like, height wise? Because your height is already cute, Taehyunie, you know. Tiny Taehyunie," Beomgyu whispered, curling comfortably on Soobin's chest.
Soobin felt the vibration when Huening Kai laughed beside him, soon being joined by Yeonjun who looked amusedly between Taehyun and Beomgyu.
Taehyun slightly smacked Beomgyu with the plushie he was holding since a while ago, Kai briefly torned between laughing and complaining because it was his doll. "Don't poke fun about my height! You're barely even taller."
"No, but still taller, that's the point," Beomgyu retaliate.
Before Taehyun could argue back, Huening Kai spoke between them, "But Taehyunie, why are you even asking? Even Yeonjun hyung is barely 19 years old."
"I'm just curious, would we still be friends after 5 years? or 10? or more?" Taehyun shrugs, snuggling closer.
"Why," Yeonjun laughs, "Who even told you we're friends?"
"Right," Taehyun nods seriously.
Beomgyu and Kai laugh at that, Soobin smiles.
"We don't know, people come and go," Soobin says silently, the rest listening to him attentively, they rarely have serious talk. Soobin thinks it's because of the atmosphere that made them have this kind of talk, or maybe it's the exhaustion. People tend to be more honest and vulnerable when tired.
"I have a story," Yeonjun points to the moon glowing at the center of Soobin's ceiling, beaming stars surrounding it, the four of them followed where the eldest was pointing, "That moon was lonely."
"What do you mean, hyung? He have the stars," Huening Kai whines.
Yeonjun laughs, "No silly. There's this story about a young girl and her undeniable admiration to the moon. Every night, the girl talks to the moon, tells him about her day, her friends, the people she loves, she never skipped doing that, never stopped even when other kids think she's crazy. For her, the moon was her bestest friend, her favorite part of her day, her confidant, the moon was so much more to her that the moon, despite the distance heard her."
Soobin smiles fondly at Yeonjun, the older grinning back at him and then turning his gaze back to the younger ones, Yeonjun smiles at the genuine attentiveness on their faces.
"So the moon listened and laughed and cried with her, though the girl had no idea. When the girl was happy, the moon was full. When she's not, the moon was half empty. The moon was the girl's catharsis, he started turning his form according to the girl's feelings."
"Oh, so that's why there's a full moon? And a first quarter moon? And so on?" Beomgyu asks, eagerness plastered on his smile.
Yeonjun chuckles, nodding, "Yes. The moon treated the girl his bestest friend too. Because he was lonely even though he's got the stars by his side, even though the sun loved him too much to set at night to give him the sky. The girl made her feel a little less lonely. But one day, as the girl grows up, she gets tired. She gradually stopped talking to the moon, until the night she completely stopped believing. The moon was so devastated, he didn't set until day came, he badly wanted the girl to believe him again so he covered the sun."
Yeonjun heard a gasp and a silent, "Solar eclipse," but he went on.
"Even though the girl doesn't believe on the moon anymore, he still watches her from afar," Yeonjun whispers, eyes unconsciously directing back to Soobin, "The moon was there with her through the night and stayed with her even during the day, even when the sun was brighter and the moon wasn't visible, he was just there, he was always there. He never went away."
Soobin couldn't take his eyes off of the older's, even when Kai starts to whine for the sad ending and Beomgyu argues back on him that it was just suitable and Taehyun cutting their argument off by saying that it was just a fairy tale anyway. Soobin blinks and stares and stares and stares.
Yeonjun's eyes hold the universe.
("That person is the sky," he heard Yeonjun's voice from afar, "And everything else is just the weather." Hyung, why? )
Soobin hears Yeonjun's answer to Taehyun's question, and accepts it.
Soobin wants to say that it's the same for him too, that no matter how uncertain the future is, no matter the whethers and the ifs, Soobin would still be there, like how the moon never went away. No matter the distance, he will be still be there.
("That person is the sky.")
They didn't say anything. Soobin's thoughts were just ghosts behind the hum of the air conditioner.
It starts raining, pitter patter on the windowsill.
"Minhyun, I'll have dinner with Beomgyu and Kai, you want to go with us?"
They are already packing up by nine pm. The night walking down the sky with the moon in her hand.
Soobin was only wearing a black dress shirt, two buttons open and sleeves folded until his elbows, partnered with grey slacks and black belt, "Where's my car keys?"
Minhyun tossed the keys to him (in which Soobin miserably fails to catch), "Nah, just go without me, I still have some errands to do, update me of your whereabouts alright?"
Soobin nods, Minhyun calls him before he get inside his car, giving the younger a pointed look, "Don't do anything stupid."
Soobin laughs, biting his lips before tilting his head, "Depends on how you define stupid."
Minhyun rolls his eyes, it was his immediate reaction to almost everything Soobin says by now, "Well, just don't go back with another scandal on your tail," Minhyun shrugs, "You know what, just be careful."
"You remind me that every time," Soobin grins, "Makes me want to break more rules."
Soobin laughs loudly when Minhyun's eyes widened, immediately starting the engine and driving away before his manager could start nagging at him again.
It's not that Soobin causes trouble intentionally. Soobin thinks, trouble likes to follow him. He's not really one to be up tight with rules, but he's not exactly the troublemaker type either. Soobin just plays around a lot. If it troubles him, he fixes it. That's his simple principle, it just gets messy when other people get involve.
Soobin stopped the car in front of a five star hotel, giving his keys to valet waiting for him, he smiled when he caught him staring at him while gaping.
When he entered the bar restaurant, he immediately spotted his two friends, Beomgyu and Kai sharing a laugh together while sipping wine.
Soobin thought, they look expensive like that.
"Good evening, gentlemen," he says in a lieu of greeting.
Beomgyu snorts at him while Huening Kai immediately went to hug him while laughing, "Soobin hyung! It's been a while."
Soobin hugged him back, patting the younger's head, "Yup, well, we're both busy. By the way, how's that gala that you attended in Paris?" Soobin wraps his arms around the younger's shoulder as Kai eagerly answers him.
They sat in front of Beomgyu, who watches them silently.
Huening Kai is a model under BigHit Models, he made it big even with such a young age, making a name for himself in the industry. Soobin always feel his chest swell at that thought. Back then, Huening Kai was just that mischievous junior who was obsessed with his dolls and laugh with his whole chest. He grew up well and Soobin was happy to be there beside him while he did.
"By the way," Kai furrows his forehead at Soobin, and then looks back at Beomgyu, "I heard something."
"Well, congrats, you have ears," Soobin rolls his eyes, sipping his wine. He knows where this talk is going, he glares at Beomgyu while Kai wasn't looking.
Beomgyu, the fucker, only smirks.
"Yeonjun hyung is working at BigHit? Really? Have you two talked?"
Beomgyu snickers when the eldest clicked his tongue, "Are you two back together?" He asks.
Soobin shuts his eyes tight, sighing loudly, "How you got into that conclusion was a fucking wonder to me but no, we're not back together," he hissed.
He didn't miss the look shared between the younger two.
"We didn't conclude, we're asking you," Beomgyu crosses his arms, raising his brows, "Did you see him? Did you talk? You don't look surprise when I told you he's there."
Soobin turns, directing his gaze to the glass window beside him. Seoul at 10 o'clock is city lights, concrete streets, crumbling camaraderie and bittersweet memories.
"He's a choreographer now, I'm happy for him."
He's not sure whether the two heard him but he wanted someone to at least know that. He's happy, he really is. They dreamt together, but got it apart.
And it's okay because at least their separation meant something.
From the start, Yeonjun made his goals clear to Soobin and he's proud of what Yeonjun has become. Maybe, the pain they felt six years ago brought them to right places and to the right destinations.
Yeonjun chased his dreams, even when Soobin wasn't there anymore, and it's okay. At least, they weren't once a stranger to each other.
"Really? He's born for it," Beomgyu says silently, smiling wistfully.
Huening Kai was silent, listening to them. When five of them fell apart, Kai remained neutral. When Soobin became an idol and Beomgyu started working on BigHit as a producer, they lost touch to others but the two of them remained close friends. After a while, they met Kai again when he got under BigHit's wing as a model. They figured that Kai never lost connection with Yeonjun and Taehyun and is still very much a good friend to them.
And it's okay, Kai knows enough not to talk about the two to Soobin and Beomgyu much and well, vice versa.
There are days when Soobin wants to know so much how the others were doing, he was dying to know.
There are nights when he just gets tired. Tired of missing people who weren't just there anymore. Tired of wanting back.
"Will he be working with you, hyung?" Kai asks, worry etched in his eyes. Soobin nods.
"Yeah."
"Will you be okay working with your ex?" Beomgyu raises a brow at him.
Soobin clicks his tongue, turning away.
Beomgyu lets him. Silence was Soobin's answer and he accepts it.
"I'm not sure if I should really say this but," Kai creases his forehead, gnawing at his lips while looking back and forth from Soobin to Beomgyu.
"Then don't," Beomgyu rolls his eyes.
"Well, I'm going to tell you this because your ass can be very dramatic, Beomgyu hyung, I'm saying this to prevent a looming headache," Kai frowns.
Beomgyu widens his eyes, "This is about me?"
"Taehyun's back in Korea too," Kai dropped the bomb.
Soobin lets out a silent 'oh' and shifts his eyes to Beomgyu. "Your ex is here too, what a coincidence."
Beomgyu looks at him ridiculously, pointing a finger at himself, "My ex what?"
"Taehyun," Soobin says slowly, eyeing Beomgyu warily who's looking more and more annoyed as seconds pass, "Kang Taehyun? Ex?"
Soobin quickly raises both of his hands in the air, surrendering, when Beomgyu grips his fork tight, "Okay! Okay! Ex almost, just ex almost," he exclaims.
Kai is laughing loudly beside him, shutting up when Beomgyu throws a glare at him.
"You know what, I don't care. I'm not affected anymore," he slams his hands loudly on the table, "See? I don't care in the slightest bit."
Kai and Soobin shares a look and nods quietly.
Soobin went home that night with Beomgyu's question still ringing in his ears.
Will he be okay?
He's not sure but he knows he should. It's all in the past, what happened to them was a history and there's no point dwelling on it up until now. Soobin's sure Yeonjun has moved on already and wasn't affected anymore.
They may not be in the same page but Soobin knows he should be professional about this. He's just over thinking this whole thing, he knows. But he can't help it.
Yeonjun wasn't a stranger.
He held a piece of Yeonjun everywhere, back then.
Today, he still does.