Work Text:
I've been holding my breath
I've been counting to ten
Over something you said
Jan heard rather than saw the door slam shut behind her.
She stood outside their apartment for twenty-six seconds exactly before turning on her heel and walking toward the elevator. The rocking motion of the metal death contraption didn’t calm her shaky hands or stop the bile from rising in her throat. Not even the frigid New York air beating against the side of her face, freezing the few stray tears that she had refused to let fall in Jackie’s presence, seemed to do the trick.
Her heart felt heavy in her chest, and each step down the sidewalk seemed to only worsen the pain and further restrict her breathing.
New York was alive and bustling as usual, not even the thin layer of ice coating the sidewalks could deter the human condition of getting unreasonably drunk in public. Jan passed hoards of people as she made her way down familiar streets, her body taking control as her brain shut off, feet walking where they may. People pushed past her, stumbling and slipping, joyful in their ignorance, in their inebriation.
Jan fought the urge to join them, to fill the sudden space in her lungs with something, anything so it didn’t feel so empty inside.
Funny.
How now that she was finally able to breathe she wanted nothing more than to smother herself.
I've been holding back tears
While you're throwing back beers
I'm alone in bed
Gigi rubbed her eyes blearily when she opened her door, traces of sleep still surrounding the blue orbs. When she recognized Jan however, oh, Gigi’s eyes widened imperceptibly, subconsciously.
Jan let herself in, brushing past Gigi’s suddenly alert form.
The apartment was freezing. It was always freezing.
Jackie liked to keep their thermostat at home on an even 70 degrees regardless of the weather. They had a comforter for the winter and a throw for the summer. It was practical that way.
Gigi’s apartment was always freezing. 65 most nights.
Just another difference between the two women that made an unpleasant feeling well up in Jan’s stomach.
You know I, I'm afraid of change
Guess that's why we stay the same
So tell me to leave, I'll pack my bags, get on the road
“What’s wrong?” Gigi spoke softly, concern weaved between the pause in her words.
Leave it to Gigi to read her so well.
Jan shook her head. “Nothing.”
“Your eyes are wet.”
Jan raised a hand to her face and pulled it back, inspecting her fingers like they were foreign to her. Drops of moisture coated the tips and Jan was shocked to find more replacing them on her face.
Gigi didn’t say anything else, just pulled Jan in by the shoulders, her long thin arms wrapping securely around the back of Jan’s neck, boxing the older woman in. Blocking the rest of the world out.
Find someone that loves you better than I do, darling, I know
'Cause you remind me every day, I'm not enough, but I still stay
Under other circumstances, Jan would have melted into the embrace. But Gigi’s arms were too bony, and her perfume too strong, and her pity too palpable.
Jan shook off the contact, kicking herself for it mentally. She had been the one to come here after all. She blamed that on her body being on autopilot, her subconscious seeking comfort.
Jan tried not to think too hard about how she associated Gigi with comfort.
Feels like a lifetime
Just tryna get by
While we're dying inside
“You wanna talk about it?” Gigi offered lightly.
Jan shook her head, turning away from the embodiment of her own shortcomings.
She never fancied herself a cheater. Had been on the receiving end one too many times herself. She hadn’t ever expected to be the one causing the pain.
Not that she was sure Jackie cared anymore. Or could feel pain.
They had both taken so many shots at one another over the years, Jan would be surprised if there was anything left of Jackie to hurt.
This might do it though.
Maybe that’s why Jan continuously jeopardized their five-year relationship by sleeping with a twenty-five-year-old who still qualified as a dependent on her parent’s taxes.
Or maybe she just wanted to feel something again.
I've done a lot of things wrong
Loving you being one
But I can't move on
Jackie was a powerhouse. Youngest judge in the state of New York, successful business owner, compassionate philanthropist.
And she never let Jan forget it.
But in the beginning, they were just co-workers, busting their asses for minimum wage in the city that never sleeps.
They used to save up their weekend tips to buy nosebleed seats for any Broadway show they could. They’d hide out in the theatres long after the show ended in an effort to catch any of the actors or directors, foolishly thinking that Jan could somehow worm her way onto a production.
You know I, I'm afraid of change
Guess that's why we stay the same
And then one day Jackie had kissed her. As they were crouching down in between old theatre seats that creaked when they sat, she had kissed her.
And every day since Jan had felt a little more of herself slip away.
So tell me to leave, I'll pack my bags, get on the road
Gigi placed a careful hand on Jan’s shoulder, her confidence in herself overpowering her understanding of the situation.
Find someone that loves you better than I do, darling, I know
Jan turned around, and this time, she didn’t push Gigi away.
'Cause you remind me every day, I'm not enough, but I still stay
They rested their foreheads against each other, Jan inhaling the scent of lavender and youth.
If you want me to leave, then tell me to leave, and baby, I'll go
Their lips pressed together softly and Jan heard the creaking of a theatre seat.