Archive of Our Own ^beta

I. Whole

He gazes at his best friend's sleeping form, all at once happier and more miserable than he can remember ever being in his short existence. On one hand, he is saved. Touya had saved him. He would not die, would not fade away, would never have to leave Touya. Ever.

On the other hand, Touya... Touya saved him.

Touya - so still, so pale. Touya, who had always been so strong, so full of life. Always scowling, or laughing, or teasing. Alive, always so alive.

*My fault.*

The words echo in his brain, have been echoing since he had woken up.

He'd known immediately that this awakening is different. There had been none of the weakness of those other awakenings, and for a moment he'd been almost overwhelmed, dizzy with the strength and vigor coursing through his veins.

And then he'd seen Touya on the bed, pale and still as death and he'd known.

And he'd remembered.

The concerned voice, the somber eyes.

/If I don't do this now you'll disappear./

Warm touch on his cheek, infinitely kind smile.

/I know you're not human. You don't have to hide it from me./

*My fault,* he thinks, again, knowing, somehow, that it is true. *My fault.*

He doesn't understand, not really. Sakura-chan had babbled at him tearfully, and it had taken all of his newly recovered strength to keep calm and project a serenity he by no means felt. Some words had made it through the haze on sheer frequency and inflection alone -- Yue. Clow Reed. Sakura Cards. Moon Guardian. _False form._

"I'm sorry," she'd cried, but he had shaken his head emphatically, holding her as she cried. "It's my fault."

"No, it's not," he'd said, kindly, firmly, even as the same words grew to a deafening crescendo in his own head. *I'm sorry. My fault. I'm sorry.*

He'd made her go home, calling Li-kun and Tomoyo-chan to make sure she got there safely. She hadn't wanted to go, but he'd been firm. He'd get Touya home, he'd promised. Why don't you go home so your Dad won't worry?

She'd left, because she 'd trusted him, she has always trusted him.

*What have I done?* he asks again. *And you, Touya, what did you do?*

Slowly, almost hesitantly, he takes up one limp hand and presses it to his cheek. So cold.

*To-ya, I'm sorry.*

*I'm sorry.*

Touya sleeps on.

II. Consequence

Kinomoto Touya scowls as his sister Sakura brings him another plate of soup, then hovers expectantly, waiting for him to eat it. The little monster has been tiptoeing around him and catering to him since he came home from that foreign boy's house and it is getting on his nerves. Pretending to be demure and ladylike whenever Yukito was around was one thing, but waiting on him hand and foot even when his friend is present, practically ignoring Yukito for once, is downright creepy.

He eyes Yukito's bowl of rice, still almost full, and the equally untouched beef teriyaki, and scowls harder. Sakura being nice. Yukito not eating. Forget creepy, he is in the goddamn Twilight Zone.

"Will you two stop it?" he growls. "Sit down and eat," he orders Sakura, and then turns to Yukito. "_Both_ of you."

Yukito looks startled from his contemplation of the winged teddy bear decimating a bowl of noodles easily three times as big as his little body and picks up his chopsticks obediently. He fidgets a bit before placing a small strip of beef in his mouth and chewing manfully. Sakura exclaims that they need more juice, and runs to the refrigerator to get more.

He feels a tick in his forehead begin to pulse, heralding the birth of one gigantic headache. Raising a hand, he tries to rub it away, sighing tiredly.

"Umm…" Yukito asks, tentatively. "Touya, are you alright?"

He looks up to see both Sakura and Yukito looking at him worriedly.

Guiltily.

"I'm fine!" he snaps. "I am!" The effect of his outburst is ruined by the gigantic yawn that follows. "I'm fine," he repeats, almost peevishly, glaring at them both before throwing up his hands in defeat. He pushes away from the table. "I'm going to bed," he announces.

"Oniichan--" Sakura grabs his arm. He's not quite certain whether it's to help him up or push him back down. He shakes her hands away regardless.

"Leave me alone." He can feel them watching as he walks to the stairway and climbs up, hating how his limbs feel so leaden, his throat so tight.

*I just need to rest,* he thinks, *I'll be fine in the morning.*

Yukito moves as if to accompany him but the Kereberus tells him no. "We need to talk, Tsukishiro-kun," Kero-chan says. "Surely, you must have questions. About who, about what we are?"

Touya suddenly very much wants to stay. Yukito looks lost, a little frightened. Yukito hadn't seemed surprised when Kereberus had joined them for dinner, and Touya had assumed that Sakura had filled Yukito in. Now, he knows that whatever Yuki and Sakura had talked about in that house, as he lay sleeping, it hadn't been enough.

"You should go and rest, Oniisan," Kero-chan says. "This doesn't really concern you."

"Excuse me?" he growls, indignantly.

"He can stay if he wants," Yukito offers, quietly, and Sakura agrees.

"No," Kero-chan says, sounding suddenly much larger and much more formidable than his little body. "Guardians and Mistress, just this once. He can join us next time."

"But-" Yukito and Sakura's voices harmonize in their protest, and Kero-chan looks at him meaningfully.

He nods.

"I'll see you guys later," he says, smiling reassuringly at Yuki. "I'm really bushed."

It's no lie. His worry for Yukito and Sakura is no match for the exhaustion that tackles him and drags him down on the bed. His eyes are closed and he is asleep before he lands on its softness. He sleeps. And sleeps.

And sleeps.

Harsh sunlight brings him out of his slumber, the afternoon sun shining straight into his bedroom window, aggravated by an almost-desperate call of nature. He stumbles into the bathroom, holding on to the walls and cabinets for support. Thank God, he thinks, that it is Saturday. He sheds his clothes on his way out, too exhausted to pull on any sleepwear, and collapses on his bed again.

He manages to get up for dinner, waving away his father's concerned looks with murmured excuses that sound like 'school' and 'work' and 'soccer.' His father shakes his head.

"You work too hard," Kinomoto Fujitaka says, his tone laced with both scolding and exasperation despite its concern. "It was only a matter of time before it caught up with you." He looks curiously at Sakura, as if remembering her similar bout with exhaustion. "I hope it's not a bug going around." He tells Touya to rest, that he and Sakura can cover his chores until he's recovered. "I've been away so much anyway," he adds, smiling ruefully, "I haven't been pulling my weight around here."

Sakura chimes in -- not true, he's the best father in the world, and she can do everything if she has to, she's big enough now.

Touya manages a grin. "Emphasis on _big_," he teases, and she scowls and sticks her tongue out at him and it's almost like nothing has changed.

Sunday he does everything over, except his Dad brings his dinner on a tray, clucking like the mother hen he's always been. He doesn't remember eating it or his father coming to take the tray away.

Monday he wakes up early from habit but remembers that he doesn't actually have classes, that his class is busy with the cultural festival and the movie. He tells his father this, gets permission to stay home from school, and goes back to sleep.

The haze that follows is punctuated by visits from his father, bringing food and inquiring about his health, seeking assurances of Touya's well-being before reluctantly going to work. The little flying bear sometimes flies in from Sakura's room to keep him company, bringing him glasses of water or juice at his slightest expression of thirst. Sakura looks in from time to time, also bringing food and various liquids, but she can't quite manage actual conversation. She's always gone before he can muster up the energy to tell her he is fine.

Once, he wakes to find someone looking remarkably like him standing at the foot of his bed. "Master Sakura was wondering if maybe I should go to school in your place," the Mirror tells him, green eyes glinting mischievously. "That would be fun, I think, but Kereberus says we should ask you." He tells him - her? it? - no, no way, never, and his face grins down at him, then shimmers back to looking like Sakura, which is only slightly less unnerving. "Okay," the Mirror says, agreeably. "Do you want some soup?"

It's vaguely insulting, the way they're treating him like an invalid, but the Mirror's eyes are soft and concerned and hopeful to be of service. Fine, he says. He's too tired to chew anyway.

The ringing of the telephone shatters the fog that surrounds him, an almost electric shock expelling him from his cocoon. Groaning, he tries to ignore it, shutting his eyes more determinedly, but it stops only to start up again, the answering machine not picking up for some reason. He gingerly opens one eye, managing a semi-glare at the bear sitting at the top of his study desk, playing with a model airplane.

"Sakura-chan's barred me from even _touching_ the house phone," Kero-chan says, apologetically, as Touya groans and fights free of the bedsheets. "On pain of no desserts for a week." And that's that. Having been witness to the Sun Guardian's appetite in the last few days, he doubts that Clow Reed himself could move Kero-chan to touch the phone in face of such a threat. He's fairly is certain the hamster - ("A hamster?" Kero-chan had squeaked, indignantly. "A _hamster?!_") - could eat Yukito under the table if he set his mind to it.

He miraculously manages not to fall down the stairs in his quest to grab and halt the insistently ringing unit.

Akizuki's voice is loud, almost vulgar against the quiet of the near-empty house. Her strident chattering is like bells going off inside his head -- bombs, even, -- and he can barely make out her words. She gives him a quick recap of the past few days and reminds him that the cultural festival is to be held the next day and to be sure to be on time for the screening. Unthinkable, she insists, _unacceptable_ that the star, the heart and soul of the world's greatest cinematic masterpiece, be absent for the premiere. Oh, and bring Sakura-chan, she adds. She photographed so beautifully, almost like a professional. Sakura-chan should be a model, she continues, but then, she isn't surprised. Is their dad as good-looking and is there any chance he could come, too, so she could meet him?

He hangs up in the middle of her prattle, his innate good manners surrendering with nary a whimper in the face of such a challenge. Tomorrow, he thinks, the festival is tomorrow? His eyes fall on the calendar on the wall, the white snowdrops against a backdrop of pale blue. It's Friday, he realizes. Yuki, he thinks, at the same moment. A week, and Yukito has not come over, has not called, not once. 

He drags himself to school, walking this time, because he's not quite sure he can handle a bike. Sakura goes with him, skating around him in circles, babbling at full speed. He always worries about her and now he won't be able to look out for her as much as he'd like. There'll be others who'll be happy to do the job for him, though, and at this he stifles an irritated, somewhat wistful, sigh.

The sakura trees aren't in bloom yet. They look cold and miserable, and a little bitter. Snow would have been pretty, would have given them an excuse, would have covered the starkness a little, but they didn't even have that. They look impatient and annoyed, and he imagines the twigs as crossed arms. A moment later he thinks, no, they're outstretched, reaching up to the heavens, imploring.

He used to see them in bloom all the time, even in the dead of winter, because that's how they saw themselves. In winter they looked forward to spring, the time when people loved them most. Even when they were bedecked with ripe red fruit, they still saw the flowers. Like children all grown up but still infants in their parents' eyes.

He looks at Sakura and sighs again.

Yukito isn't waiting for them at the corner and the sigh turns into a sharp intake of breath, of disappointment and hurt. Seven days, seven days without a word, and now this. He tries to be rational -- Yukito did not know he was going to school today, how could he know when Touya has been absent for a week? Yukito is busy, busy with the cultural festival, busy with school, busy with dealing with learning about the truth of his existence. That last gives Touya a jolt of guilt, of concern.

He'd tried calling Yukito but he hadn't been in, and for the first time Touya couldn't seem to guess where Yuki could be. He should have called again, he thinks. He should have kept calling till Yuki answered.

He turns to Sakura, who is looking at the same spot he'd been staring at with the bald longing. He knows how she feels, but that doesn't make him feel better.

"How is he?" he asks her, quietly, and she looks at him, startled, then colors prettily.

She looks down, watching her feet as they slide across the pavement. "Haven't seen him," she mumbles, and he's struck by how little those words tell him. He'll have to learn to read her in other ways, now, and wonders idly if she keeps a diary somewhere. He grimaces to himself, shaking away the thought. "Nothing's happened since... you know..." Sakura continues, "so I haven't seen Yue-san, either." She jumps to avoid a fallen twig. "But Kero-chan says he's alright."

He steps on a rock, accidentally, and catches himself just in time before he stumbles. He forces himself to concentrate, to watch where he is stepping.

Everything feels off, rough and jagged at the edges, his movements stilted and unsure. The first time he had woken up, after giving his power to Yue, he'd flailed about helplessly, in the dark. It took a while for him to realize that the darkness wasn't just outside but in him, in his eyes.

He hates it, this flatness, this murkiness, this lack of clarity. He wonders if this is how people without depth perception feel like. Off-balance. Always worrying that they'll misjudge the next step and crash into a wall. Always sure something is happening just out of their line of sight.

Flat, he thinks again, surveying the path he has walked a thousand times. Here, he used to see the shadows of the past, here he used to see the colors of his sister's heart.

He turns to the gate of a huge brick house and gives a small secret wave to the ghost of a young girl he can no longer see.

Well, he thinks, he knows they're still there, even if he can't see them.

Yukito's eyes light up as they see him and for one moment Touya thinks it's going to be okay, that they can go back to being like they were. Better even, because there would be no more need for hiding, for lies. There's nothing but welcome and gladness on Yukito's face, but there's something wrong with his smile, strained at the edges, not quite reaching his eyes.

Touya has never had any problem reading Yukito before. This rocks him more than anything else has so far, and he's never felt the absence of his power more.

Sakura-chan smiles at Yukito, but sees Tomoyo-chan and Li-kun and that other boy, Eriol, and goes over to join them. He is not surprised they are there, Sakura has a talent for the making and keeping of friends that is more powerful than any sorcery.

He has to move across a sea of girls to get to Yukito, but he's used to that. Yukito's smile, dampened as it is, is still bright enough to guide his way.

"Hey."

"Hi," Yukito returns. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," he responds, too quickly. Yukito waits, patiently. "A little tired," he finally admits, adding "but I'm getting stronger."

"I..." Yukito bites his lip, as if unsure of what exactly it is he wants to say. Yukito takes a breath, and tries again. "Thank you, for... for what you did."

Touya is suddenly, inexplicably, shy. "Hey," he says, overly casual. "You'd do the same for me, right?"

The smile remains unreadable. "Yes," Yukito agrees, readily.

"I just wish you hadn't waited so long," he says. "You really scared me."

The smile holds, but the eyes grow more distant. "I'm sorry."

"Hmm? I --"

"Touya!" Akizuki comes flying at Touya, Yukito barely managing to step back and avoid being plowed down. "You came! Oh, I _knew_ you wouldn't let me down! How are you? Naughty boy for staying away so long. I missed you, did you miss me?"

Touya used to think that nothing could derail him when he'd set his mind to doing something. He should thank Akizuki for eradicating that delusion, if nothing else. He grasps at the arms that have encircled his neck, pushing at her until she slides down enough for her feet to touch the floor. Undeterred, she grasps his hands and starts pulling.

"Come on! The movie's about to start!" She spies Sakura and her friends and frees one hand to wave energetically in their direction. "Sakura-chan! Sakura-chan! You and your friends better go in or you won't be able to sit together! I'm expecting a _huge_ turnout. This is going to be the best presentation _ever!_"

"I'll go see they're seated okay," Yukito volunteers, already moving away. "I'll save you a seat."

"Thanks." As soon as Yukito is gone he glares at Akizuki, who grins cheekily at him. "I thought you'd be done with this already," he says, exasperatedly.

Her face is all innocence. "Why would you think that, Touya?" The grin changes color, becomes tinged with malice, as she turns away and starts towards the AVR doors. "What makes you think it's over?"

"What?" he growls, suspiciously, grabbing her back. "What do you mean?"

"Chill out, Touya," she says, laughing. "Sheesh, you're so serious!" The PA sounds, a last call before the movie begins, and she starts tugging at him again. "Come on, Touya, let's go. You're about to become a star!"

Touya has to admit that Akizuki had known what she was doing. Sakura is adorable. The movie is intense, dramatic, moving. The images are crisp and beautiful, the conflicts complicated and heart-wrenching. The viewers are on the edge of their seats, holding their breaths by the time the final confrontation scene comes on the screen.

"I know the truth," movie-Touya says, facing movie-Yukito with grim determination. "The truth about your being. No matter how hard you try to hide it, I know you're..."

"Not human."

His head swivels at the softly spoken words, barely a breath, almost drowned out by the voices of their movie-selves. Yukito is staring at the screen, his eyes dull and resigned. The tone is quiet but the words are harsh and sharp anyway, tearing through Touya. The enormity of them stuns him, steals his breath, has him shaking his head.

The movement catches Yukito's eyes. Seeing Touya looking at him so intently, he tries to smile. "I understand now," he continues, quietly, ruefully. "No wonder I can't remember so many things. That must've been when… My memories... aren't real. I... Yukito... isn't real."

There had been a lot of reasons why Touya was reluctant to tell Yukito the truth about himself. Hell, who in their right mind would have even believed it if he'd tried to tell them? He'd figured Yukito must've known somehow that he was different, already suspected something was seriously wrong or he would never have tried so hard to hide it. Still, 'Magical Creature,' for lack of a more accurate description, had to be pretty far down Yuki's list of possibilities.

"Yuki, listen to me," says Touya, trying to be firm while striving to keep his voice low. "We met and became friends. That's the truth. That's real." He tries to make it very clear to Yukito. "Remember that it doesn't matter to me who or what you are. Just knowing you'll never leave me, that we'll always be friends, that's what's important to me."

Yukito smiles. "Thank you, Touya," he says, softly, then goes back to watching the movie.

He should feel better, thinks Touya. Yukito is right there, right beside him, whole and safe and strong.

But he's never seemed farther away.

More girls, more gushing. It all washes through him like whispers, like wind and water, and he stifles another yawn. It's unthinkable that merely watching a movie could tire him out. Yukito smiles and waves Sakura over, inviting her and her friends to the nearest food stand for some sodas.

Having sodas together is a safe familiar habit, aiding to maintain the thin veneer of normalcy. He splits his time between glaring at the Hongkong brat, who glares right back, and glaring at the new addition, Eriol Hiiragizawa, whose face is bland while secrets sparkle in his eyes. Somewhere in that tennis match of glares, he spares one for his sister - doesn't she know any _normal_ boys?

Sakura doesn't act like anything has changed, she still watches Yukito with eyes that shift between giddy admiration and wistful longing. For probably the first time ever, he welcomes this. Talking with Sakura, Yukito's smile is the one he's used to, the one he loves, and he relaxes, thinking he either imagined that strange vibe during the movie or he has succeeded in making Yukito understand.

/Mistress and Guardian./

The thought is sudden and painful. Things have changed, no matter how Sakura may act. In the past it had been him and Yukito, with Sakura dancing at the outskirts. Now Sakura and Yukito's relationship has been cemented, in vows and sorcery, reaching back centuries into the past, and Touya has lost even that small peek into that world. He won't see it again unless these two chose to include him.

Yukito offers to show Sakura her friends around the school and another yawn catches Touya, stronger this time. He knows better than to fight it now, knows better than to call more attention to himself than necessary. He'll catch up with Yukito later, he decides.

"I'm gonna take a nap in the classroom," he announces, standing up.

"Are you okay, Touya?" Yukito asks, concern evident on his face.

"I'm fine, Yuki," he answers, as softly and as reassuring as he knows how to be. "I just need to rest a little." He throws smirks at his sister to make them all feel less uneasy. "Don't eat so much, Kaijuu," he teases. "You don't want to get any fatter."

"I'm not fat!" she protests, anger coloring her entire face in .0002 seconds. She's still predictable, he thinks, so maybe she's still not as grown up as she seems. The thought widens his grin. "Jerk!" she shouts after him.

Despite his exhaustion, he can't help but chuckle.

He comes slowly awake to find Yukito standing near, back to him and gazing out the window. He yawns loudly. "Sakura left?" he asks.

"Yes," Yukito nods without looking at him. "To-ya..."

"Hmm?"

"To-ya, you should go home and see if she's alright," Yuki says, his voice suddenly urgent. "Li-kun and Tomoyo-chan were with her, but... You should go home."

"What?" His first thoughts are terrible, so terrible they don't even register, his mind rejecting them even as the possibilities flickered. But he knows Yuki - Yue - would never have let anything happen to Sakura, and Yuki would have not waited till he woke up to tell him had something truly been seriously, urgently wrong. "Yuki, what happened?"

Yukito makes a vague gesture. "I think I must've... changed... again," he explains, haltingly. "I don't really remember what happened after the stars went out."

"What?" Touya's not certain how to interpret that.

"She was fine when I left her, but..." His voice trails off.

Touya asks again. "Yuki? _What happened?_"

Yukito suddenly folds into himself, there's no other way to describe it. By the time Touya reaches him he's on his haunches, head bowed, arms clutching across himself, shivering as if chilled. "I'm sorry," he murmurs, brokenly. "I'm sorry."

Touya holds him, holds him tightly against his chest, his heart flailing wildly, telling himself not to panic. "Yuki, what happened?" he asks again.

Yuki still won't look at him. "We were on Star Road," he explains, baldly. "She... She said..." He shakes his head, finally looking, wildly, at Touya. "She doesn't love me, not really. She _doesn't._ And I..." He breaks off, taking deep breaths, pulling back.

Oh.

A curse escapes before Touya can stop it and Yukito answers with a little hollow laugh. "It's okay," Touya insists. "I'm sure she understands."

"I tried to be careful," Yukito says. "I tried to make her understand. In the end she was comforting _me._ She didn't want _me_ to be sad." He laughs again. "_Me._"

Yukito is scaring Touya but to admit that would only make things worse, he's sure. "Yuki, it's okay," he says, soothing the smaller boy. "Sakura will get over it. You're right."

"I didn't want to hurt her," Yuki mumbles. "I don't want to hurt anyone else."

"What?" he says again. "Yuki, what are you talking about?"

Yuki shakes his head again, and Touya sees the sparkle of tears.

Touya is at a loss at how to handle this, what words he should use. He's only seen Yukito cry once and he'd been this useless, then, too. Yuki struggles as Touya wraps his arms around him, folding the smaller boy against his body.

"No," Yuki protests. "Sakura-chan... You should go..."

"Shhh," he says, more helpless and bewildered and in love than anyone should ever have to be. "It's okay. Sakura's with her friends. You need me more."

And he doesn't understand why it only makes Yukito cry harder.

When he recovers, Yukito walks Touya home, but won't come in. And Sakura's muffled voice tells Touya she's fine, but she won't open the door.

The thing is, Touya had honestly believed he would not miss it, those supposedly magical powers. And he doesn't, not really. But his sister refuses to talk to him about what had happened and his best friend, while constantly by his side, seems to be growing further and further away from him.

Yukito is fine, as far as Touya can see. Indeed, he envies his friend his energy, because his is pretty much still shaky. It's not that Yukito is being difficult or moody (Yukito? Moody?) and it's certainly not that he's not sweet and helpful and always smiling. It's something that Touya can't keep his finger on, something forced and strained and _not right._ Whenever he tries to ask Yukito his friends merely smiles at him, assures him he is fine, and changes the subject.

All in all, those powers would've come in pretty handy.

He wonders if its only that, that he's not used to seeing Yuki with regular eyes, and that's why his friend seems so subdued and wan.

Yukito used to be this intense blinding light, a star that had flashed and fallen by some miracle into the middle of his life. Yukito had faced life with smiling certainty, with exuberance and open affection for everything and everyone. Touya knows the exact moment that that light had first faltered, had watched his friend gradually lose little pieces of himself, the shining strength dimming, giving way to fear and uncertainty.

/Don't forget me./

He still remembers that final test, the sheer agony of it. Even now, if he could find a way, he'd happily kill Clow Reed for that, for putting Sakura and Yukito in danger. But Sakura had succeeded, and he'd thought they were safe.

Until Yukito had started fading before his eyes.

They'd overcome that, too. He'd figured out and done what was necessary. He hadn't thought anything of it, he'd do it again, he'd do more, he would have done it sooner if Yukito had been less oblivious and reluctant. He'd almost been too late, but he hadn't been and everything should've been fine.

Maybe it is, and he's just being paranoid. Maybe it's just him. There's no reason, really, why he should miss Yukito, why he should feel like everything is still off and unclear and uncertain. Why he should feel like everything is out of control, out of his hands.

By the night of the festival at the Tsukimine shrine, Touya more or less believes that he'd acclimatized, that he's feeling as normal as he will ever feel. He's looking forward to going, mostly because Yukito has been beaming with happiness since Touya had passed on Sakura's message.

"I'm glad she invited me," he tells Touya, "I knew she'd be hurt, even after I explained. She can't find the person she's meant to be with if she's still blinded by what she thinks she feels for me." He sighs, helplessly. "She tried so hard to hide it, but I knew I'd made her sad."

He ruffles Yuki's hair, fondly. "She wouldn't have invited you to the festival if she was still hurt," he points out. "I'm sure she understood."

It's a good night for a festival. Everything is crisp and clear and sparkly. Both Sakura and Yukito seem genuinely happy to be in each other's company once more. She drags Yukito away as soon as she sees him, leaving Touya, Tomoyo-chan and the Hongkong brat trailing after them. It's probably the first time ever that Touya feels a strange sense of kinship with boy, who's looking strained and somber and really kind of miserable. Even without his power Touya knows what _that's_ about.

He grumbles about having to buy drinks for his sister's entourage, but he's actually glad to have the excuse to have time alone with Yuki. His friend, as always, is pretty quick to pick on his cues to tease Touya out of his grumbling. Still, he looks a bit troubled.

"What's the problem?" he asks, seeing Yukito's downcast expression.

"It's just a little disturbing, To-ya. You didn't notice Sakura approaching. You always knew when someone was approaching, even when you had your eyes closed." Yuki shrugs. "I guess it's because I took all your power, that's why you're like this now."

He sighs. Touya had hoped Yuki had stopped dwelling on that already. "Yuki, listen to me. Think of it like this: What if you had some food, let's say you were sitting down to eat your lunch, and then I arrived, faint, _dying_ with hunger. What would you do?"

"I'd give you my food," Yukito says, readily.

"That's really all I did," Touya explains. He pinches Yukito's cheeks and pulls at them to emphasize his point. "And if you ever bring this up again I'm going to mad, okay?" he growls, teasingly.

"Okay," Yuki nods, rubbing his cheek when Touya lets go.

Later, he and Yukito watch as lights fall from the sky, pieces of stars that drop softly, beautifully, through the darkness.

"Kirei," Tomoyo-chan whispers. "Did Sakura do this?"

Yukito seems transfixed by the sight, holding out one hand, palm upward, watching as one lands dead center. The glow disappears as soon as it touches down but Yukito remains unmoving, staring at his open palm for long moments.

"Yuki," Touya asks, "is anything wrong?"

Yukito shakes his head, closing his hand and shoving in into the pocket of his coat. "Pretty lights," he's says. "I was just thinking it's too bad they're not real."

"Yuki…"

Yuki smiles reassuringly at him and turns his face back to the sky, watching as the lights continue to fall.

It happens one night when Yukito has come over so they could both catch up on some work. Sakura had asked to spend the night at Tomoyo-chan's and his father is working again. Par for the course, a perfectly normal evening. It makes Touya happy, somehow, reminding him of the last night they'd spent together, before all the craziness had begun.

Yuki's hair has fallen over his eyes, and Touya reaches out, almost unconsciously, to brush it aside. It's nothing that hasn't happened a hundred times before, except that this time, before he makes contact, Yuki flinches away from his touch.

Touya's shocked, stunned, unreasonably angry, his hand falling to his side, his vow to be patient tasting like ashes in his mouth. "What's wrong?" he asks, too hurt to keep the harshness from his voice.

Yukito flinches again. "I'm sorry," he says and Touya sees him visibly try to relax.

He's never felt more frustrated. "Yuki," he asks at last. "What's going on? Tell me."

Yuki smiles. "You just startled me, that's all."

That smile. If someone had told him, had foretold this, he would have never believed it. He still doesn't. He waits for it, does all the things he used to do to coax it out, and when it does he it makes him furious. He never thought there would come a time when he would hate Yukito's smile.

What, he thinks, what did I do? What should I do? What did I do?

If he closes his eyes he can see it as it used to be, Yukito laughing at him, always laughing. Not the fiercest scowl, not the lowest growl, could rock that smile, make it fade or falter. But this smile, this strained, unreadable, _unreal_ smile, it grates on Touya's nerves like needles. It just didn't belong on Yuki's face. It didn't.

He's tried to be patient. He doesn't have his sight anymore but he believed he understood. He's read enough pscyh texts to understand that when one was forced to face something he'd been denying all his life there could be serious trauma.

The thought brings him back, allows the anger to settle back down in the pit of his stomach.

He just needs to be more patient, he tells himself. He just has to give it more time.

He sighs, and stands up.

Yukito looks at him, worriedly. "Where are you going?" he asks.

"To the kitchen," he growls.

"Why?"

"I'm going to bake you a cake."

Yukito is obviously, adorably, confused. "Ummm... Why?"

He gives an exaggerated sniff rolling his eyes to the ceiling. "Why else would I bake you a cake?" he says, as if the answer is perfectly obvious. "So you'll like me again."

Yukito's startled laugh is genuine, for once. He lowers his head, eyes hidden beneath the bangs that had caused so much contention. Touya refuses to show that he's charmed by the slight blush peeking under the gray hair or that he's ecstatic he's managed to make Yuki laugh for real.

He takes a step away but something snags at his shirt. It is Yukito's hand, clutching the hem.

He looks down. "What?" he asks.

"You know you don't have to bake me a cake," Yukito says, softly, smiling that sweet smile Touya has missed so much. "You know I already like you.'

"Not good enough," Touya says, scowling harder.

Yukito laughs again. "A lot," he adds, obligingly. He pulls on the shirt and Touya lets himself be pulled back down. "More than cake."

"Wow." Touya mimes being impressed. "That's a _lot,_" he says, grinning. This time, when he touches Yukito's cheek it's soft and slightly hot and Yukito presses his hand there with his own.

"Thank you," Yuki says. "I really am sorry."

"Yeah, I know," he replies. "Me, too." He lifts his hand, brushes the locks of hair aside. "Let's get back to work."

"Okay." Yukito hesitates, bites his lip, then looks at Touya from underneath his eyelashes. "Touya?" he asks.

"What?"

"What kind of cake would it have been?" At Touya's outraged growls he giggles. "Because, you know, if you _really_ want to bake --"

A pillow flies, another follows, and there's no more studying done for the rest of the night.

Time passes. Things get better. Sakura recovers from her broken heart, Touya grows strong enough to go back to the soccer team and a couple of part-time jobs, and Yukito puts the Tomoeda restaurants back in the black.

Everything's fine, Touya thinks, finally relaxing, finally starting to believe that everything was going to be okay.

Everyone's safe. Everyone's happy.

Except...

They're not.

III. Truth

Touya is walking home from his latest job when Hiiragizawa Eriol appears in front of him, seemingly from empty darkness.

He blinks. "Where did you come from? How--"

"Is that important?" Eriol asks looking at him with eyes as blue and indecipherable as the night sky. "I'm very disappointed in you, Kinomoto-san."

He doesn't like Hiiragizawa, but Touya figures he owes him. "What do you mean?"

Eriol inclines his head, a deliberate challenge. "I had thought you would prove worthy of such a gift. Instead you let an angel wither in the palm of your hand."

Touya feels a chill creep up his spine. "No," he says, shaking his head. "Yuki's _fine._ He's safe."

"Fill a fractured vessel," Eriol returns, "and it'll only empty itself again."

"No."

Eriol's expression turns cold, almost disgusted. "You gave him all your power, Kinomoto-san," he says, "and yet you gave him _nothing._"

"_No._"

"How will you save him now?" Eriol steps back, the darkness already eating away at the edges of his form. He's dissolving, disappearing. Touya runs after him.

"Wait!"

"That's all you do, isn't it, Kinomoto-san? Wait until you're out of time."

"No, goddamn it! Wait!"

"Touya-san?"

He makes a grab, just as Eriol disappears. All he gets is a soft cloud of... bedsheets.

He groans. A stupid dream. Trust that boy to creep him out, even when he's asleep.

"Touya-san, are you awake?"

It's dark, it's quiet, he's supposed to be still asleep. These are the things he knows. He's lost his Power, he's not supposed to see Things anymore, so he figures the pale figure floating at the foot of the bed is still part of the dream.

"Touya-san, _please_ wake up."

The voice registers and he opens his eyes to see the Mirror peering down at him. Behind her, a Sakura card floats away.

The Dream, Touya realizes.

"What is it?" he asks, reaching out and switching on his bedside lamp. "What's wrong?"

She wrings her hands in distress. "Touya-san, you have to help him."

"Who?"

"The Moon Guardian."

The dream rushes back to him, in full force. /An angel withering in the palm of your hand./ "Yue?"

She nods, jerkily, obviously very upset. "He... His other form came to Kereberus yesterday. You were at your part-time job and Sakura-sama was still at cheerleading practice. He swore Kereberus to secrecy. Kereberus agreed, but we couldn't just..." She puts her face in her hands, shaking her head in misery. "Touya-san, you have to do something!"

"Do what?" he asks. "First you have to tell me what's going on."

/How will you save him now?/

"I was chosen to speak, but I can't. What binds the Guardians binds us, and by doing this we already test the limits of our power." Another figures appears and stands beside the Mirror. This one is wearing a cloak and carrying clock, the numbers on its face reversed. The Return moves beside the Mirror and takes her hand, smiling sweetly. "There are many things that bind us, Touya-san," the Mirror says, taking out her mirror and letting its surface reflect the moonlight. "But we come from the same place, we're here for the same reason, so we can do this much."

The moonlight bounces off the surface and hits the far side of Touya's bedroom wall. There's only light, at first, then the walls shimmers, becomes transparent. Touya sees into his sister's bedroom, where she's sleeping. Life goes on rewind, slowly at first and then faster. When it slows down again and moves forward, he sees Yukito and Kero-chan sitting on the floor of Sakura's room, talking.

It's like watching Akizuki's movie all over again. The same air of urgency, the same electricity in the air.

"I don't understand," Touya says, as he watches Yukito smile and hand Kero-chan a small box of desserts, the smaller guardian going into a paroxysm of pleasure as he rips the lid open and shoves an entire éclair into his mouth.

"Just watch, Touya-san," the Mirror instructs, somberly. "And listen. With your heart. With everything."

"Thanks for the pastries, Tsukishiro-kun," Kero-chan beams as picks up another éclair. "What did you want to ask me?"

Yuki bites his lip, hesitating. "You can't tell To-ya," he says. "Or Sakura-chan."

Kero-chan's too busy scarfing down the pastries to pay much attention. "'Mkay."

Yukito speaks slowly, as if carefully considering his words. "I wanted to know if... Is there a way to... reverse what happened?"

"What happened?" Kero-chan repeats, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Sakura-chan," Yukito says, slowly, "she's growing stronger?"

Kero-chan nods slowly.

"Strong enough to, say... support... Yue... now?"

Kereberus raises his eyebrow suspiciously, but he answers the question. "I really don't know."

"But-"

"Sakura may be stronger, Tsukishiro-kun," Kereberus interrupts, "but she's still a little girl. And even if she could, there are still cards to be changed, and there's this strange business with Clow and Sakura's unknown adversary. She needs to focus her energies. You can't expect her to try and support you now."

"No," Yuki says, quietly. "Not me. Just... Yue."

The Sun Guardian chokes. "Tsukishiro-kun... What? What are you saying?"

Yuki hurries on "I'm the false form, isn't that what you said? Yue's the real form. I'm just... just a disguise. So, that must mean..."

"Yukito," Kero-chan, using Yuki's first name for the first time. "No. You don't understand. It's not that simple."

"Yes, it is!" Yukito insists. "If it were just Yue Sakura could -"

"You can't be serious. Why are you even considering it? Sakura and Touya-"

"I can't." Yukito interrupts. "I can't do it. To-ya shouldn't have to --"

"He did it for you."

He looks up, tears in his eyes. "That's just it."

"Yukito..."

"I thought it was to protect Sakura. To keep Yue from taking her energy, to ensure that she'd be safe. I didn't..." He moans, places his face in his hands. "Not to... Not me."

"Yukito, in Touya's heart there's no difference."

"There's a difference to me." He sighs, looks pleadingly at Kereberus. "I... I don't want it. I want you to give him his power back."

"No," the Sun Guardian answers, flatly. "It's too dangerous." 

Yukito tries again. "After Sakura changes all the cards..."

"Sakura _ is_ growing stronger," Kero-chan agrees. "There's no telling what she'll be capable of, in the fullness of her power. Heck, just look at her now. Look at Touya. But if you're asking if it can be done, I really don't know. Only Clow would know. I told you, Yukito, it's not that simple."

"Yue took it. He can give it back, right?"

"In theory," Kero-chan agrees. "If it can flow one way, then, yes, logically, it should be able to flow the other. _In theory._ But Yukito, you're dealing with magics that are both dangerous and volatile, magic that --"

"I don't care. I..."

The tiny Sun Guardian shakes his head in exasperation. "Why are you doing this? Even if it were to succeed you must know what would happen."

"I don't care," Yukito repeats. "To-ya... I don't want his power. I don't want this."

"It was a gift," Kero-chan points out. "You'd hurt Touya this way?"

"It never should have happened in the first place," Yukito answers. "I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have let it happen."

"What could you have done?" Kero-chan asks. "These things were destined, Yukito. They were put in play, centuries ago, by the most powerful sorcerer in the world." He flies to Yukito, rubs one soft paw on top of Yukito's head as if in sympathy. "Clow did everything for a reason. He could have a sick sense of humor when it suited him, but he loved us. You have to have a little faith in that."

"But To-ya --"

The movie ends, abruptly. Where the two figures had stood earlier, only the Mirror stands. Another card floats away.

"I'm sorry, Touya-san," Mirror says, already shimmering, her energy already dissipating.

"Wait," he says again, though the word is useless. "Yue! Yue promised me he'd take care of himself. Of Yuki! He wouldn't let this happen!"

The Mirror looks even sadder, and Touya had thought that wasn't possible. "Touya-san, Yue doesn't--"

She disappears before she can finish. The card floats away and he's alone.

It freaks Touya out, the way everyone's disappearing all around him. The way he can't do anything to stop it.

No, he corrects himself. It doesn't freak him out. It scares the _shit_ out of him.

He throws on his clothes and climbs out the window, making a beeline for Yukito's house. By the time he's at Yukito's door, he's madder than hell, in addition to going out of his mind. Yukito _lied,_ has been lying since who knows when, and though Touya had been willing to acknowledge that perhaps Yukito had a right to deal with his Issues his own way, he's gone way too far.

He had thought they were doing better. Ever since that night in his house, it had been more like old times. There had been a few rough spots, a few instances when Yukito had seemed withdrawn and distant, that but he figured that it was only because they were still both adjusting.

Touya stops in his tracks, groaning mentally. Stupid stupid stupid.

Seriously, being without powers was one thing. Being totally clueless was a different thing entirely.

He pounds on the door, uncaring of what neighbors he may wake in the process. "Yuki! Yuki, damn it, wake up!"

Listen to me, he'd kept saying. _Listen to me._ And he'd thought Yukito did. He'd thought that the danger was past, that the thing that could take Yukito away was beaten, gone.

/Can I stay here anyway? With you?/

They'd fought so hard to make it happen. It had never occurred to him that Yuki would not want to stay. That he would try to leave anyway.

/Don't leave me!/

Yukito opens the door, looking at him in confusion. "To-ya? What are-"

He pushed Yukito into the house, slamming the door behind them.

"To-ya, what --"

He drags Yukito to the living room. "We are going to have a talk. _Now._ A real one. This ends here, do you understand? Because I swear to God you are driving me insane."

"To-ya, it's the middle of the night," Yukito interrupts, calmly. "Surely this can wait till tomorrow?"

"No!" Touya barks, louder than he intends, and Yukito draws back, looking wary.

"Do you want some tea?"

"Just..." He stops to take a breath, running his fingers agitatedly through his hair. "Just sit down and listen, dammit!"

Something flashes in Yukito's eyes, but he sits down obediently.

Now that he has Yuki's attention, Touya really doesn't know where to begin. There are so many things he wants to ask, so many things he wants to say, that they're all jumbled around in his head, tripping his tongue. So he picks the loudest thought, the most important one, and it's both a question and a statement in one.

"Yuki, you know I love you, right?"

Yukito looks stricken, actually _shudders._ It's not quite the reaction Touya had been hoping for.

"I never said it," Touya continues. "Out loud, I mean. I figured you already knew, and there wasn't any hurry. I may have been waiting for some sappy romantic moment that didn't include a bunch of kids and transforming cards, maybe. Or without the possibility of Akizuki popping out from behind the nearest lamppost. I may have been waiting for you to say it first. Whatever. I was waiting." He laughs, humorlessly. "Someone told me recently that all I do is wait."

Yuki doesn't say anything, but his face becomes carefully blank, his eyes growing darker, unreadable. Touya doesn't understand what that may mean, but he's too far gone to let that stop him.

"He's right," Touya continues. "When this started happening, I waited for you to come to me. I watched you fading away, and I still waited. For you to tell me... to ask me..."

"Ask you what, To-ya?" Yuki interrupts, softly, calmly, and Touya would never have believed his friend's voice could sound so cold. "What was I supposed to ask you? Should I have asked you to save me? You did that anyway, didn't you?" Yukito eyes and face are blank, distant and cryptic like the moon. "And what else, Touya? What else should I have asked you? What else should I have let you do? Feed me? Entertain me? Tell me when to come in out of the rain? You do all that, too. You take care of everything and everybody."

"Yuki-" He stands up, shaking his head. "Yuki, no, it's not like that... I..."

"Isn't that what I am, Touya?" Yukito continues, still calmly, still coldly. "Another one of your lost souls? Another... _thing_ you feel responsible for? That you feel sorry for, that you need to take care of, protect? Isn't that what you thought?"

"No! I... I thought-" Touya has completely lost control of the situation and he knows it. "I thought you... That you wanted..."

Yukito pierces him with a freezing look. "What do you think I want, Touya?" he asks, his voice now dangerously low.

Touya swallows. "I don't know," he answers. "I thought..." he looks helplessly, confusedly, at Yuki. "What _do_ you want?" he asks.

Yukito's eyes become ever colder. "I want you to take it back."

"What?" The words are a mere whisper. Even after watching the Return's little home movie he still can't quite believe it.

"Your power," Yukito says, flatly. "I want you to take it back."

Touya shakes his head. "No."

"Take it back," Yukito repeats, his voice stronger, determined, his hand gesturing vaguely, jerkily. "What... what you gave me." Touya steps back, horrified, but Yukito follows, grabbing his shirt. "Take it back," he says. "I don't want it."

"No!" Touya is shouting again. The anger is back. He wants to shake Yukito but he's afraid of what he'll do if he touches him. "What the hell is wrong with you? I tell you I love you and... You want to die, is that what you're saying?" Touya demands harshly. "You want to leave me?"

Yukito doesn't answer.

"And you expect me to just stand by and let it happen? To just stand by and watch you--" He stops, gasping for breath.

"Yes," Yukito says, flatly, with cold finality. "That's what I want."

It's a wonder he's till standing, Touya thinks, because he feels like he's about to have a seizure. It is so hard, being blind like this, without the ability to read Yukito. He'd been so sure before. He could simply look at Yukito and be absolutely certain.

Once Yukito laughed and teased him freely. Once he could do anything and say anything and Yukito would only smile at him. Yukito had healed all the hurts, and all Touya had ever wanted was for to stay within sight of that smile forever.

Once Yukito had seemed to want the same thing.

/Can I stay here with you?/

It seemed like another life now.

Now Yukito looks at him like he's a stranger.

He's out of words. He can't reach Yukito, he realizes, not like this. Not when he's standing there as cold and as inviolate as the moon.

He can't be this clueless, he thinks, this helpless. Surely he can manage this, even without his powers. Surely, there was a way to reach Yukito, to make the moonlight stay. Surely...

He grabs Yukito's arm and drags the smaller boy further inside the house.

"To-ya, what--?"

He doesn't answer, pulling Yukito further inside, into the kitchen. Once there, he throws cabinets open, searching.

He finds what's he's looking for. A ginzu knife. Yukito gasps as he holds it to the light, studying the shiny edge, sharper than a razor.

Yukito's voice has fallen into a whisper as he stares at Touya. "To-ya?"

Smiling grimly, he brings it slashing down on his wrist.

"No!"

The blade never touches him. A hand, supernaturally strong despite its seeming delicacy, grabs the knife out of his hand and throws it out of reach. A nanosecond later, he finds himself pushed against the wall, hands pinned on either side of his face while Yukito glares daggers at him.

"What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?" Yukito hisses. "Have you lost your mind?"

"No," he growls back. "I knew you'd stop me." He twists against the imprisoning hands, but Yuki won't let go. "And if I've lost my mind it's because you're driving me insane."

"What?" Yukito roars.

Touya realizes he's never really seen Yukito angry before. It's kind of frightening, actually, but he's mad enough not to care.

"You heard me," Touya snaps back.

"You knew I'd stop you?" Yuki repeats, incredulously. "You put a _knife_ to your wrist because you knew I'd stop you?"

"I got tired of trying to get you to listen," he groused, almost petulant. "I thought it was time for more drastic measures."

Yukito stares at him like he's lost his mind, which he obviously has. Yukito finally lets go, his hands shaking. "God, Touya, I could kill you right now."

He glares at Yuki, rubbing at his wrists. "You're killing me anyway," he snaps. Yuki flinches and Touya regrets his choice of words immediately, but at least he's proven Yuki's not completely unreachable. "You just stopped me from putting a knife to my wrist," he says, quietly, "and just a moment ago you were asking me to stand by and watch you do the same thing. Worse, you wanted _me_ to do it."

Yukito doesn't flinch this time. "It's not the same thing," he says, coldly. "I'm not human. I'm not real."

"Damn you," Touya growls, "do you think it'd hurt this much if you weren't real? Do you think I could love you this much?"

Yukito closes his eyes. "Don't."

"Don't what? Don't love you?"

"Yes!" Yuki shouts, glaring at him. "Don't!"

"Not gonna happen!" Touya shouts back. "I don't give a damn what you want!"

"And what is it you think I want?" Yukito demands again. "You thought I wanted this? For you to give up your power for me? For you to give so much up for me? To keep giving and giving when I can't give anything back?"

"I-" Yukito's words register, and again Touya is dumfounded. He pounces on those words, grabbing Yukito by the shoulders, trying to look into his eyes. "Yuki... Yuki, is that what you think?"

Yuki realizes what he just said and the façade is breached. He begins to shake all over, and Touya has to hold him tighter to keep him from falling. "I just..." he says, his voice breaking, "I kept needing you, kept taking from you. More and more. In the beginning... It wasn't so bad before. I could pretend. Being near you was enough. I could be with you and not need so much. Not take so much." A sudden sob escapes. "And now I've taken it all."

Touya shakes his head. "Yuki, no."

"Yes! Sakura told me. I thought you did for her. To protect her. But you did it for me. And I don't... You shouldn't..." He takes a deep breath. "Not for me."

"Maybe I didn't do it for you," Touya answers, tightly. "Maybe I did it for me."

"Touya..." Yukito looks helpless, desperate. "I stole your power. I _hurt_ you. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

It makes no sense whatsoever to Touya. "So you want to kill yourself? No, wait, you want _me_ to kill you?"

"Stop being melodramatic," Yukito snaps, recovering somewhat. He pushes Touya away and takes a step back. "I'm not a human being. You can't _kill_ me. And I'm not asking you to push a knife into me. I just... just want you to take back what's yours and just let what was supposed to happen happen."

Touya sighs. "We're just going to run round in circles all night, _all our lives,_ aren't we?" he asks, rubbing his face tiredly. "Goddamn it, Yuki, how can you _not_ be human? You're seriously screwed up. You've got Issues that would fill an encyclopedia!" Yukito looks affronted and Touya laughs, suddenly. "This is like, I don't know, some grand romantic comedy, a twisted Gift of the Magi, or something. That Clow Reed had a shitty sense of humor, that's all I can say." He sighs again, then looks at Yukito, feeling the familiar tenderness well up inside him. Yukito, with his dark gray hair and his shadowed eyes, and he's still the brightest thing in Touya's life. "Yuki," he asks, softly, intently. "Could you love me if you weren't real? Because you do love me, don't you?"

Yuki sags, looking like all the fight left him then, as if all his strength, all his conviction, was pulled away from him by the question. "You know I do," he answers, quietly, refusing to meet Touya's eyes.

"So?" Touya asks.

"That's not the point," he answers, weakly. "You shouldn't have had to give up your power. Not for me."

"So I should have just given up my best friend, the person I love, instead?" Touya counters, raising one eyebrow. "Damn it, Yuki, you think I care about that?"

"You do," Yukito whispers. "You lost so much. It was a part of you. Of course you care."

"Not as much as I care about you."

"You shouldn't."

Touya groans mentally, feeling like he'd just run into an invisible wall. Here we are again, he thinks, it's like they're stuck in the Loop. Every time he thought he'd gotten rid of one obstacle, Yukito just put it right back up again. He wonders why Yuki never tried out for the debate team. Time for another tactic. "Do you remember?" he asks, "that night, the last time we spent the night together? Do you remember what you asked me?"

Yukito nods.

"Don't you want that anymore?"

"Not if it means hurting you."

Oh, damn. Hello, again.

"Why do you keep saying that?" he demands, again losing patience. "When have you ever hurt me? Aside from now, I mean, with your stupidity and potentially giving me a heart attack?"

Yukito snorts. "You can't see things anymore, can't sense them. You can't even see your Mother anymore. That's not hurting you?"

Touya has the world's largest headache. He'd always thought of Yukito as sweet and biddable and uncomplicated. He'd had no idea Yukito was even capable of being this stubborn, this contradictory. Somewhere out there, he thinks, the Paradox card is floating, smirking gleefully down at them.

Insane doesn't even begin to cover it.

*This is going to take a while.* He sighs yet again and pushes Yukito towards the dining table, making him sit down. He's pretty much lost all pretense of calmness and wonders if he should simply go with his earlier urge and just shake Yukito till he yells uncle.

*That'll be Plan B,* he decides, because he figures Yukito is acting crazy enough for both of them. He opts to give the logical approach another shot.

He pulls up another chair and sits down next to Yukito, facing the smaller boy. "Let's just take it all one by one, shall we?" he says, trying to sound more calm and less crazed than he's feeling. "And if you still don't hear me, I'll just have to keep saying it until you do. Today. Tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. As long as it takes. As long as you're here. Because that's what _I_ need. You not being there, that's what's going to end up hurting me."

He ticks off the items one by one on his fingers. "One, I love my Mother, I'll always love her. And I know she'll always love me. I don't need to see her to know she'll always be there, watching me. You couldn't take her away from me, nobody can." He ticks off another finger. "Two, I love Sakura. Yes, I want to protect her. But she's strong, she doesn't really need it. That's not going to stop me from worrying or wanting to protect her, the way I'm never going to stop worrying or wanting to protect _you_ even though you could probably, I don't know, wave your hand and drop a mountain on me. And you can turn into a Magical Creature or a caterpillar, that still won't change."

"To-ya-"

*So much for the not sounding crazy part. Ah, the hell with it anyway.*

"I'm not finished. Which also covers three, the you not being human thing. Covered, okay? Moon Guardian, bug, whatever. I love you. Four, the you needing me and you not giving back anything thing - wow, what Universe have you been living in? Because Yuki, if you think that, you need stronger glasses. Or you need not to wear them anymore. Or you need a serious knock on the head. Or something."

Yukito is looking at him strangely again. "I understand now," Yuki says, his voice choked as if he isn't sure whether to cry or to laugh. "All those times you told me to shut up. It's not that you're withdrawn and close-mouthed by nature, you just have no conversation skills whatsoever."

"Shut up. Newsflash, Yuki, I need you a hell of a lot more than you've ever needed me. I survived losing my Mother, I survived losing Kaho, and someday Sakura will grow up and belong to someone else, and I'll survive that, too. I have never ever lied to you, have never made you a promise I didn't keep and I promise you, losing you will kill me. And I mean _dead._ So you better stick around and make sure that doesn't happen. And you think you don't give me anything back? You're wrong, but hey, if you want to spend the rest of your life making it up to me, _giving_ to me, I won't even try to stop you. You can start with your heart. And maybe, soon, your other parts, too. You can cook and clean and bear my young. No, on second thought, I don't need all that. Just be my sex slave, that good for you?"

Yuki makes a strangled sound.

"And lastly, unless you come up with something else to angst about, this so-called power you keep harping on? It's gone, and it'll be some time before I get used to that, but I will. It was convenient, yes, but I sure as hell don't need it. All I really miss is being able to tell what's going on, what you're thinking, and I wouldn't even miss that if you would just open up and _talk_ to me. And you know what else? As far as magic goes?" He reaches out, gently takes Yukito's face in his hands and smiles tenderly at him. "Yuki," he says, softly, "you're all the magic I need."

Yuki just stares blankly back at him, unresponsive.

Again, not quite the reaction Touya had been hoping for.

"Yuki?" he peers deeper into Yuki's eyes, worriedly. "Yuki? Still with me?"

Yukito blinks, his eyes now looking dazed. "I see what you did there," he whispers, weakly. "You just kept spouting nonsense, rambling and babbling on and on until you got me all confused and muddled, and now I can't think."

Touya grins. "Good. I'll just have to keep doing it then. Everyday. Or maybe I'll just do this." He brings his mouth the rest of the way to Yuki's.

After an eternal moment, Yuki responds, as Touya knew he would. He never ever had a doubt about that. And as Yukito melts into him, wraps his arms around his neck, and brings him even closer, he relaxes. He knows everything's going to work out.

"Wait," Yuki says, suddenly, lifting his mouth from Touya's, his eyes filling again with doubt and panic. "To-ya, wait."

"No," he answers, and goes back to kissing Yuki.

Never again.

Touya used to think his life was pretty much perfect. Dad, sister, Mother who loved them too much to really leave them, who'd stayed past all the laws of logic and nature, and even more wondrous than that, his best friend Yukito.

But things always change, no matter how hard you try to make them stay the same.

Yuki's not really his best friend anymore.

Rather, not _just._

He grins at the thought.

Sakura walks down the stairs, listless and morose, and he stifles an irritated sigh. The day before, his father had jokingly complained that he and his sister were a tag team, and that after years of not giving him any worries, they suddenly seemed to be cashing in. In a stage whisper he'd confided that the was becoming quite nervous, too, because if 'this is how moody Sakura is now, imagine how she'll be when she's a teenager!'

The phone rings, and Sakura, who's nearest, goes to answer it.

They hear her a few moments later, running up the steps, her bedroom door slamming behind her.

"Was that Sakura?' Yuki asks, peeking from the kitchen.

"Yeah," he answers. "She seemed upset. It was probably that Hongkong brat."

Yuki chuckles. "You really have to give him a chance, To-ya," he says. "He really does care about Sakura-chan."

"Oh?" he growls. "And how would _you_ know?"

Yuki smiles, the sweet smile that Touya had always, will always love, no matter how much things change. "I recognize the look of misery."

"Is that how he used to look at you?" Touya teases.

"No," Yuki shakes his head, grinning. "It was how I always looked at you."

"You lie!" Touya says, pointing dramatically. "You _never._ I was always the one running after you. You never looked like that, you never pined after me."

"To-ya?"

"What?"

"You should have looked closer."

His grin turns into something softer, smokier, and he was just leaning into the kiss when the whole house seems to shift and the atmosphere becomes charged. It builds and builds until it releases, with an almost audible pop.

"What the hell was that?" Touya asks. He doesn't miss his powers at all, he just misses knowing what the hell is going on around him. No wonder people are so crazy sometimes, he thinks, it's nerve-wracking. But he doesn't care, not really. There are worse things than being normal and clueless.

Yukito's smile has become even wider. "I think Sakura just created her first original Sakura Card."

Touya blinks. "She can do that now?"

"She can do anything," Yukito answers. "Surpass Clow Reed, even."

"Clow Reed," Touya snorts in disgust. "I really hope we've seen the last of him. And that Eriol person."

"But I'm thankful to him," Yukito says. "He's why I'm here, now, with you."

They hear the beating of wings, and a sudden, heavier silence.

"And that was?"

Yukito grins. "She seems to be heading for the airport."

"Without letting us know where she was going?" Touya demands, irritably. "What if Dad--"

"You know she wouldn't have done it if it wasn't necessary," Yuki says "And we'll know if she needs us."

"But still," Touya protests, "she can't go flying off in broad daylight! What if someone sees her? And what if --"

"To-ya?" Yukito's voice is soft, but there's a thread of laughter and a hint of promise running underneath.

He looks at Yukito suspiciously. "What?"

Yukito smiles and threads his arms around Touya's neck, already raising his head towards his. "Shut up."

Life is choices. Life is change.

Today, it seems, Sakura made hers and things will change again, but then they always do anyway.

That scares him a little, but he knows whatever happens they'll survive it, because he's stubborn that way, he doesn't know how to let go, and he loves person he holds in his arms more than anything. Beyond magic, beyond reality. And whatever happens, whatever comes, _that_ will never change.

IV. Half

He watches his beloved sleeping, happier and more terrified than he's ever been in his short existence.

He's known all along that his life begins and ends with Touya, and it frightens him that just might work the other way, too. So he has to stay here, to make sure Touya's safe, that he's happy.

Funny thing is those are exactly the things that makes _him_ happy, too. He can do this, he thinks, he can do this forever. He has Touya, he loves Touya, and no magic could ever compare to that. He's here because of Touya, Touya loves him, and no lack of magic could ever invalidate that. Whatever he is, however he came to be here, he makes Touya smile. He makes Touya happy.

_That's_ magic, he thinks.

That's _real._

But there are times when he feels something stir inside of him, and a loneliness fights free, rising above his almost-perfect happiness. This confuses him, it makes absolutely no sense.

*Yue,* he thinks, *is that you?*

He hasn't quite dealt with that yet, there are too many issues, his life is too complicated, and he doubts that he'll ever know what it feels to be a normal person. He's different, he knows that. He's a magical creature created by a sorcerer, imperfect and helpless despite the power that supposedly resides inside of him. It's so easy to mess up, he thinks. Somewhere inside him he already knows the taste of loss.

*Yue, what do you want?*

He still doesn't understand everything - false forms and Moon Guardians and a sorcerer who has been dead for centuries but still held a part of him hostage. He knows he'll always have questions. There's a part of him that still doesn't fit, that still isn't really his. He stands at the edge of wisdom, but he doesn't understand, not really. He's seen Tomoyo-chan's videos, knows the face that comes with his other self's name. *I don't want to be like that,* he'd thought, recognizing the sorrow in those lavender eyes.

*What do you want?*

Someday, he thinks, Yue might tell him.

And then what?

THE END


copyright JCSA2002
19 November 2002