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Buck knew he was kind of a hungry guy. He had always been that way, even from his early childhood. It was just.. complicated he guessed. He was honestly tired of the comments about it at this point. "Wow, Buck, eat any faster?" Chimney would say, a daring look on his face. "Dang Buck, where does it all go?" Hen would say, bringing a hand to pat his stomach.
"Buckaroo, I swear your stomach is a black hole." Athena would say, shaking her head with a small, yet seemingly disapproving, smile. Bobby would sometimes look warily at him when he was in the kitchen helping, thinking that all of the food would disappear if his back was turned for just a moment. Sometimes, he would say things like, "Your food isn't going to run away from you, Buck."
Hell, even Maddie said stuff a lot. He remembered having lunch with her one day, and the disappointed look that graced her face. He ordered a healthy salad, like, why is she always disappointed in him? Eddie was the only one who rarely made comments, but he slipped up a few times too. Eddie never really said anything intentionally hurtful either, just things like, "You gonna eat that?" or "All that yours?" Just things like that.. got to him, he supposed. He was honestly surprised no one had ever noticed the look on his face, or when he sometimes flinched at the comments.
Buck guessed it wasn't that big of a deal, right? He just, ate when he could is all. He guessed it was sort of.. a vow he made to his younger self. Eat what food you could, whatever you were offered. As long as it was safe, take it and eat it with no complaint. So that's just what he did. But he was trying to cut back, to be better for the team, his family.
He hadn't weighed much when he was younger, but he built up muscle when he got older. He didn't obsess over his weight, he just.. watched it, is all. He never really saw a problem with it, so why should anyone else?
Buck got ready like any other day. The light poured into his lonely apartment like usual. The familiar twinge of pain ran through his leg. He weighed himself as usual, a guilty smile on his face when he realized he had lost another 7 pounds in the last week. That meant he was doing better at cutting back, right? There would be nothing for anyone to make comments on. He wasn't eating as much, he wasn't as talkative, he was doing better. He was careful on the field, took risks only when they were needed. He was doing everything he could to avoid being a burden.
He just didn't understand what was wrong with him.
He thought he was doing better. He was doing everything he could, honestly. He wanted to make everyone proud, wanted to help everyone out in any way he could. Whether it be watching Christopher when he was off, or helping covering Hen or Chim's shift, he would gladly do it.
He noticed the subtle flush on his cheeks as he looked in the mirror. His eyes were sunken in, the telltale sign of too many shifts ever present on his face. His lips were slightly chapped, and even his birthmark was as pale as the rest of his face. He ran a hand over his face, a loud sigh escaping him. He hopped in the shower and got himself ready for the day.
He walked downstairs, his freshly washed hair drying and sitting cool on his head. He spared a glance at the kitchen, deciding against anything for breakfast here. He figured Bobby would cook, anyway. Besides, he didn't need it, too many calories, it was just too much. They would notice anyway, his dad always did. He always noticed whenever he ate something when he wasn't allowed.
Buck paused for a moment, shutting his eyes tightly as the memories washed over him. He fell to his knees as he felt his chest begin to constrict. His phone clattered to the ground, sending Buck into a further downward spiral. His breaths came in fast, shallow puffs. Buck shook with effort to bring himself out of it as he imagined Eddie's comforting hand on his shoulder, whispering reassuring words. His breathing finally came into rhythm a few minutes later. He got off his knees and scooted to the wall, leaning his head and back against it. He wiped his slightly sweaty face, willing for the hot tears to not flood his vision. He let out a few stuttered breaths before checking his watch.
"Damnit." He whispered to himself.
He took a few more deep breaths before heaving himself up off the floor. He chucked his bag over his shoulder as he wiped at his face some more and grabbed his phone. He passed through the door, stopping briefly to spare a look at the kitchen before he closed and locked it.
He sighed, time for work.
Buck walked into work, reveling in the quietness the beginning of a shift always provided. He spotted the rest of the team and Athena up in the loft, conversing amongst themselves. He dropped his stuff in the locker room, quickly changing into his uniform before going up to join the group. He self-consciously smoothed his hair and uniform before greeting them.
"Hey guys." He said quietly, greeted by smiles and reciprocated hello's.
He watched as everyone chatted amongst themselves as Bobby prepared breakfast. He remained quiet, biting back any random facts or interjections. Buck's stomach turned slightly as the smell of the food made its way to his nose. He bit back a gag at the smell, despite it being relatively good. A minor panic arose in him at the thought of eating.
No, he needed to eat, just not as much. He needed to be more careful, that's all. Careful, he can do that. Buck swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. He scrolled through his phone, biting his tongue in order to keep quiet.
"You're mighty quiet today, Buckaroo." Athena noticed.
Buck's head snapped up, realizing that most of the chatter had stopped, their eyes landing on him.
"Yeah, sorry. I'm just.. tired." He said, knowing it wasn't the whole truth, but not a lie either.
Athena nodded her head, her eyes narrowing slightly as she accepted his explanation. He looked over at Eddie, noticing the look on his face. Buck shrunk underneath the gaze, opting to bring his eyes back down to his phone.
"Hey Buck, will you set the table real quick?" Bobby said as he finished up on an omelette.
Buck sprung from his seat, grateful that he could finally be of use. "Sure thing, 'Cap."
He moved methodically, grabbing plates from the cabinet and setting them softly on the table. Eddie noticed the tension in his shoulders and the way his uniform hung slightly loose on his frame. Buck grabbed silverware and cups, and also grabbed the orange juice upon Bobby's request. A slight tremor wracked his way through his hands. Buck tugged at the sleeves of his undershirt as they rode up slightly, exposing his pale and thinning wrists. He cleared his throat as quiet as he could as he went about setting the table. He straightened the silverware on the napkins next to the plates, and placed the salt and pepper in the middle of the table.
He switched plates with Bobby as he finished the second to last omelette. Buck noticed that the last one was his, and he was thankful that it appeared slightly smaller than the rest. Everyone sat around, Eddie coming to sit next to Buck, placing a soothing hand on Buck's knee. Buck shot him a small smile as Bobby sat down in his seat, placing Buck's omelette in front of his.
"Thank you Bobby." Buck said, a genuine smile on his face. More thank yous rang out as the rest of them dug into their breakfast, the conversation flowing comfortably between one another.
Buck looked down at the food, hesitating for a moment before picking up his fork. Okay, eat slow and in small bites, it won't draw as much attention. Take drinks regularly, it will fill you up more. He went over the mental checklist a few times in his head, making sure he knew what to do. Buck sighed quietly as he started to eat the food. He could hear his dad yelling at him in his head, telling him that he didn't deserve the food, that it would make him fat and unlovable. He glanced down at his stomach, surreptitiously poking at the flesh there. He sighed internally when he felt his pudgy stomach, silently swearing to himself that he could fix it.
He heard his name called and shot his head up. He softened and engaged in the conversation with his friends, being mindful to only eat every so often so no one would get suspicious. He let out a genuine laugh at a joke Chimney made, bumping his shoulder with Eddie's as he did so. He saw Eddie shoot him a small smile out of the corner of his eye, and his anxiety somewhat lessened.
The rest of breakfast went relatively smoothly, he remained quiet, only answering when he was spoken to. He ate the fruit that Bobby had cut up, the freshness of it easing his turning stomach a little bit. He looked down at his plate, a wash of shame coursing through him when he realized he had finished the omelette. When did that happen? How could he have been so careless? He was supposed to be able to control this better. Control is what he needed. Okay, he can do this. He would just be more careful, it's fine... it's fine.
He helped Bobby clean up, rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher. Eddie came up to him, wrapping his arms around his waist as he finished up the last of the silverware. He placed a kiss on his cheek before coming to rest his head on Buck's shoulder.
"Buck, are you okay? I don't know, you just seem.. I don't know, off today? I'm a little worried about you, babe." He explained in his ear.
Buck screamed at himself. This is the last thing you were supposed to do! Nobody should have to worry about you, you're not even worth it anyway. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid-
"I'm okay, Eds. I promise. I'm just tired, that's all." He answered.
He felt Eddie nod against his neck, peppering a few more kisses on his cheek. He smiled at the gesture as Eddie squeezed his arms around him one last time, before moving away to the rest of the group. Buck watched as he walked away, letting a soft expression grace his face as he watched most of his family converse and laugh with one another. They don't need you here. Look at them, they're plenty happy without you in the mix. He furrowed his brow at the thoughts, abruptly spinning around to hide the tears welling up in his eyes. He viciously scrubbed at the last few forks, throwing them in the dishwasher.
He went about scrubbing the counters, anything to stave off the thoughts that plagued him. He couldn't do this right now. He shook his head, sighing. Jesus, he was a mess, wasn't he?
He heard Athena announce that her shift was starting soon, and had to go to her station. She made her rounds, saying goodbye to the group and kissing her husband. She came over to Buck, pulling him into a tight hug and placing a motherly kiss on his forehead. The tears sprung to his eyes again at the maternal gesture. He smiled at her, saying his respective goodbye as she left.
The next few hours of the shift went by without any incident. It was honestly surprising, to say the least. Buck tidied up around the firehouse, knowing he had to be productive as possible. He washed the trucks, checked the tanks, ensured the latter wasn't going to almost kill him again. Everything was going smoothly, with the occasional laugh resonating throughout the firehouse.
Sometime later into their shifts, the siren went off, and everyone scrambled to get into the truck.
Buck breathed a sigh of relief as he stumbled out of the truck. lt had been a rough call from start to finish, but they hadn't lost anyone. Buck stretched his sore shoulder and his bad leg. He had moved wrong or something during the call, and he was definitely going to pay for it later on. He glanced at the clock, glad he could clock off in the next five minutes and not have to worry about eating for the rest of the evening. Not having to eat in front of the team meant nobody could make comments, and no comments made him feel less insecure. If he felt less insecure, he wouldn't spiral as much tonight.
He was snapped out of his thoughts when Bobby congratulated them on a job well done. Buck saw Bobby eyeing him suspiciously before his captain went over and talked to Eddie. Buck slinked away, going into the locker room to wipe the soot of his face and change into his regular clothes. He winced as he noticed the bruising in the mirror that littered across his chest and back. He stretched his leg out, making sure there wasn't any real damage done to it. He sighed, knowing he was in for a rough, lonely night. He scrambled to get his shirt on, not wanting to look at his form any longer. He felt the stark outline of his ribcage. He hadn't lost that much weight, had he?
What was he doing? He was so conflicted. On the one hand, his younger self was screaming at him, to eat now that he had the freedom; but the current version of himself was striving to be accepted and loved by the only people he had in his life. He didn't want to screw that up by being someone who gorged themselves and was selfish. He couldn't do that. He couldn't be even more unloveable. He was doing this for them.
That's all it was. It wasn't for himself, it wasn't. It was to be better for them, to be better for his team. By doing this he would be. He would be better for his parents who never loved him, he would be better for his boyfriend and his kid, and he would better for his sister, so she would never feel like she had to leave again. He didn't want to be like Buck 1.0, selfish and self-absorbed. No, it was about his family, not about him. Nothing needs to be about him, because he isn't important.
Buck sucked in a breath as he threw on his burgundy sweater. He always prefered the darker colors, knowing they helped slim his frame. It hung loosely on him, showing just how much weight he'd lost recently. He chucked his bag over his shoulder, as he gently rose to his feet. A wave of dizziness hit him, and he stumbled against the locker. He suddenly felt a hand on his arm as his duffel fell to the ground, landing with a soft thud.
"Woah, you okay there Buckaroo?" Chimney's worried voice rang out.
"Yeah," He swallowed. "Yeah, I'm good Chim, just got up too fast. Thanks though."
Chimney ran his eyes up and down Buck's shaky form, concern filling his eyes.
"Have you been eating enough, Buck?" The man asked.
Panic coursed through Buck. Way to go Buck, way to make it obvious, you idiot. God everything they say about you is true. You're a complete idiot. Great, just great.
"What? Of course I have been. I'm all good, I promise." He nodded, carefully bending down to grab his bag.
"Well, why don't you come eat dinner with us? I'm pretty sure Bobby ordered Chinese for us all. And considering it's late, I'm sure you don't feel like cooking anything."
Nausea bubbled up in Buck's throat. Damnit, he thought he got out of this. No, he just had to play it cool, that's all. Play it cool, Buck.
Buck rubbed the back of his neck before answering, "Thanks for the offer Chim, but I'm just tired and not really all that hungry right now. I'm okay man though, I swear." He plastered a convincing fake smile on his face.
Chimney look somewhat unconvinced, but nodded anyway. "If you're sure.."
"I am, promise."
The boys made their way out of the locker room, Buck trailing Chimney slightly. He saw Bobby up in the loft, indeed placing takeout counters on the table. He saw Eddie and Hen laughing at something on his phone. He smiled slightly at the happy look on Eddie's face. He only hoped that once he bettered himself, he could provide the same thing for him. He walked up the stairs with Chim, coming to say goodbye to his team.
"You not staying for dinner, Buck?" Hen asked, furrowing her brow as she reached for a carton, with Bobby playfully swatting her hand away.
"No thanks, I'm beat after that last call. I'm just gonna head home, I got an early shift tomorrow anyway."
"Wait, you just had a 48-hour and you're working again? That can't be right, I thought Lyles was scheduled for tomorrow while you had your day off." Bobby said confusedly.
"Yeah, but he needed someone to cover for him 'cause he has something going on with his kid, so I offered. It's not a big deal, I'll be fine, Bobby. I can do the job, trust me."
"Woah, woah, Buck we're not saying that. I'm just saying I don't want you overworking yourself." Bobby said, while Eddie, Hen, and Chimney nodded their heads in agreement.
"I'll be fine Bobby. After tomorrow I have a day off and I'll recuperate. I'm gonna head out and get some rest." He explained, not letting any more protests ring out.
He grabbed Eddie's hand, pulling him close. He placed a gentle peck on his lips, and whispered a promise to take him and Chris out to do something fun.
"I love you Eds, I'll see you soon. Bye guys." He once again placed a convincing smile on his face.
He walked down the stairs, letting his face fall as soon as his back was turned. He shook his head, running a hand through his hair as it began to curl, most of the product having sweat out from the hectic call. His shoulders dropped as soon as he was out of sight of the others.
"There's something going on with him." Eddie said after a few beats of silence between the group.
"You think?" Chimney responded.
Buck walked in nervously to work, having been called in a little early by Bobby. Confusion ran through him when he saw everyone. Wait, he thought that only he was working today. Good going Buck, he's probably called you here to fire you in front of everyone. Decided to do it on his day off so the paperwork could wait 'til tomorrow. No, 'Cap wouldn't do that to him, would he. He thought he had been doing better. He was being careful, damnit!
He padded up the stairs, his anxiety skyrocketing when he spotted Athena too. Wow, so basically everyone was here. He half expected Maddie to walk through the door at any second.
"What's going on guys?" He asked, coming to take a seat gently at the table.
He watched as they all exchanged looks, Hen adjusting her glasses like she tended to do when she was nervous. Eddie grabbed Buck's hand, bringing it up to his mouth to gently kiss it. Confusion was obvious on the young mans face as he looked around at his family. He gulped, bracing himself for the inevitable yelling that was probably about to come. He tensed, bringing his sore and pained shoulders up closer to his jaw.
"This is an intervention, Buck." Bobby said softly, coming around Buck's other side that wasn't occupied by Eddie.
Buck opened his eyes in surprise, his shoulders dropping slightly at the tone of his words.
"An intervention? I thought you brought me here to, I don't know, yell at me or something?" He said, his voice small.
Bobby sighed, casting a glance at Athena. "Nobody's here to yell at you, Buckaroo. I promise." The woman said.
"So what is going on then? You're not.. firing me right?" He looked at Bobby, desperation ever present in his eyes.
Guilt flashed through Bobby, horrified that Buck would ever think he would do that to him. He shook his head, placing his hand on Buck's shoulder. He thumbed the spot for a few moments, feeling the jutting collarbone sticking out of the skin.
"No, no, I'd never fire you. We're just-" He paused for a moment, tryinng to find the right words. "worried about. You've been off recently."
"You've been distant, quiet." Eddie interjected.
Buck's brows furrowed. "I-I wasn't trying to be distant. And I thought being quiet would be better for you guys, I know you've all been a little stressed out and I didn't want to add to that."
They all looked guiltily at one another as Buck sheepishly hung his head down, averting his eyes. He shook his hand out of Eddie's, bringing it to rub at his wrist and wringing his hands together. Hen looked up, tears threatening to fill her eyes as she looked at Buck's dejected face.
"Buck, you don't add to our stress kid. And I'm sorry if we made you feel like you did." Bobby said.
"It's fine, guys, really. It's on me, anyway. Is that all?" Buck said, looking up, his face resonating with that of a kicked puppy.
"No-" Athena started.
"You've been eating less." Hen interrupted.
" A lot less. Maddie's worried about you too. She just had to work early but wanted me to let you know." Chimney finished.
Buck swallowed. You idiot, damnit Buck! Way to go, you're losing all control right now and now they possibly know what's going on with you. They're going to be even more disappointed with you, as if they weren't before.
"I just haven't been very hungry lately." His inner child screamed at himself for food, begging him to just eat and not make it so difficult. He huffed, "Listen guys, I'm good, okay? Now I have a shift I need to get to."
"No you don't." Bobby said. "I got someone else to cover it."
Buck stood up, his seat flying back a few feet behind him. "What, Bobby why? I told him I'd take his shift and I need the money!" He said angrily, his voice slightly rising.
"I'll let you pick up an extra shift when you're not just getting off a 48-hour one." He explained calmly.
"But- I need the money Bobby. I mean between the medical bills from the surgeries and everything else and new clothes because of the weight loss I-" He paused as he realized his mistake.
"I-I." He stuttered.
"So you have been losing weight!" Eddie exclaimed as he realized his assumption had been right.
"It's not like tha-" Buck began, his sleeves swinging loosely with his manic gestures.
"How much?" his boyfriend asked.
"What?"
"Don't play dumb."
"Eddie-" Bobby began to scold.
"How much have you lost, Buck?" Eddie said, standing up as his own chair flew back like Buck's had.
"I- I dunno, maybe 20 pounds, or 30." He said, wrapping his arms around himself, cradling his fragile ribs.
"20 or 30 pounds, Buck? In what, a month or two?" Eddie said in disbelief, his hands coming down to rest on the table, hanging his head down.
Athena rounded the table, coming around to stand by her husband. Chimney and Hen looked at one another, deciding to remain and give Buck as much time as he needed.
"Buck-" Athena started.
"Stop!" Buck shouted. "Just stop, okay. I- I'm fine. So, I'm losing a little bit of weight, so what? It's not important."
"Yes it is, Buck. You're important." Eddie said, lowering his voice and softening his tone.
Buck shook his head viciously, tears beginning to spring to his eyes. He fingered a loose thread on his sweater, twirling it nervously around his finger. Well Buck, you're here now, good luck buddy, it's all you.
"You wouldn't get it." He whispered.
"Then tell us what's not to get, Buckaroo." Athena said, coming up to cup Buck's gaunt face. She thumbed his birthmark, her eyes sparkling in the light.
"My dad- he, he-" Buck choked out, the tears threatening to overwhelm.
Athena gently guided him to the couch as the rest of the team migrated with them. Eddie came to sit on his left side, placing his arm behind his waist, resting it on the couch cushions but not quite touching him as to give him the space he needed. Athena and Bobby sat on his right side, his parental figures a comforting presence. Hen and Chimney sat on the carpet in front of him, the former placing her hand on Buck's foot to give him some light, not overwhelming contact he could hold on to. Buck scrambled for Eddie's free hand, grabbing it in a death grip.
"What's going Buck?" Bobby said softly.
Buck held back a sob, clenching his eyes shut as he prepared to explain.
"My dad- he was... strict to say the least. My parents loved Maddie, but they hated me. My dad, especially." He paused momentarily, slightly smiling at the reassuring squeeze Eddie gave him. "If I got a bad grade at school, then no dinner. No dinner eventually turned into barely being allowed to eat at all."
He heard a sharp intake of breath from Athena, and watched as she gripped Bobby's hand. He felt the words begin to flow from his as he explained his childhood in one fell swoop. He told them about how it was before Maddie left, how his dad started off gradually before it got worse for him. At first it started with just not making dinner, or forgetting to simply feed his child. It eventually turned into barring meals from him, not allowing him to eat if he got bad grades at school or got in his trouble. Sometimes his parents would make up that he had an attitude or something, telling him that missing dinner was his punishment.
His eyes were shut tightly at that point as he went into more detail. He told them that when Maddie had left, it had gotten significantly worse. He described that they had new cabinets and a new fridge installed, fitted with locks so that Buck could rarely access them. He told them that as he got older and more rebellious, his father started checking him when he got home to see if he had brought any food into the house. Sometimes his fists would fly, breaking his fragile ribs that had little to pad the blows.
Tears escaped his eyes as he went on about the abuse. The belts, the fists, the starvation all brought back striking flashbacks. He held onto Eddie's hand for dear life, and sometime during the explanation he had seeked out Bobby's, holding onto it all the same.
He described the bruises hidden by makeup, and the layers of clothing required just to make it seem he was a similar size to other kids his age. He detailed the hunger pains that plagued him from time to time.
"I just- I was trying to cut back. You guys are right.. I'm always hungry but I was trying to be better. For all of you, I was just trying to be better." He choked, the sobs wracking his lithe frame.
Bobby was filled with anger and sadness for the man he saw as a son. Hate and anger overwhelmed for the elder Buckleys, vowing that if he ever saw them there would be hell to pay. Athena felt similarly, although she had more disbelief. She couldn't fathom how someone could do that to their own flesh and blood. Chimney and Hen felt terrible for their Buck, not understanding how someone could hurt a loving, kind person like Buck.
Eddie was feeling it the most, unaware that his boyfriend had undergone so much trauma in his life. He had no idea how such events could've forged such an amazing man like Buck. He looked, really looked at Buck, and saw, despite all the tears and regret, a beautiful, resilient man.
"Buck, you are already incredible. You don't need to change anything, not for us, not for anyone. None of what happened to you is your fault." Eddie explained, turning his body towards Buck more.
The rest of them nodded. "Buck, we love you so much. And I am so sorry if we made you feel like you had to change for us." Bobby said.
Buck shook his head. "You guys didn't know how it affected me, I don't blame you, it's not your fault."
"And it's not yours either. None of what happened is your fault. Not what happened to you as a child, not the truck, or the embolism, or the tsunami. You are not to blame Buck." Bobby said adamantly, squeezing his pseudo son's hand.
Buck nodded despite not believing it very much. He thought back to the time when Hen and him had been in Bobby's apartment, holding him as he asked for help.
"Help." He breathed out.
They all crowded around him, Eddie wrapping himself around Buck as he sobbed into his shoulder. They held him through the tears, the hiccups, the tremors that ran through his body. They held onto him tightly despite the bones sticking out, pressing into them. They held him through the pained yelps, as he cried out for everything that had happened to him. They held him as he slowly drifted in Eddie's arm, the emotional events of the day taking its toll. His eyes began to shut, even as Buck struggled to fight his exhaustion.
"Shh, shh, don't fight it Evan. Rest, we'll be here, I promise." Eddie cooed, placing a kiss in Buck's curls.
"I'm sorry." He hiccuped.
"You have nothing to apologize for son. None of it is your fault."
Buck fell into a restless sleep a few minutes later in the warmth of his boyfriend's arms. Eddie stroked his hand down his arm, running up and down the thin limb.
"He deserves so much better than this." Hen said.
"He does." Chimney agreed. "Do you guys think Maddie knows?"
"No, I doubt it. He said they loved her, so I'm sure they hid the abuse from her when she was there. And he was young when she was still there, so he wouldn't really have known better." Eddie said.
"Jesus kid." Bobby breathed out, moving as Athena draped a blanket over Buck.
"We just got to help him. Be better to him from now on, we're all he has." Eddie whispered.
"We'll protect him, do everything we can. He deserves everything we have."
They all looked at one another, agreeing to do whatever they could to take care of their boy. Eddie tightened his hold around his lover, vowing to do his best to never let anyone hurt him again. They all sat around, watching the stready rise and fall of Buck's chest as the information continued to really sink in.
They would protect him, no matter what.