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There was a moment after Even closed their apartment door behind him where he did nothing, just staring ahead with a tight fist around the strap of his backpack. Isak stared silently from their lumpy second-hand sofa, waiting to see what would happen. With a melodramatic sigh, Even let his bag slip onto the floor and made three long strides to the couch, flopping himself onto it and, subsequently, squishing Isak between himself and the fabric.
“Hey,” Isak laughed softly, attempting to wiggle his way out from underneath Even so they could both be more comfortable. He managed to free himself from the waist up, but his knee remained firmly lodged in the slight dip beside Even's hip bone. Even simply groaned in response, pushing his face into Isak’s stomach and tucking his knees underneath himself. It made him look a lot smaller than he had any right being.
“What’s going on?” Isak asked as he threaded his fingers through Even’s hair. It was soft, which of course Isak already knew. Even seemed to visibly deflate as Isak continued his ministrations, losing the tension in his shoulders and tipping over onto his side. “Did something happen?”
Groaning, Even tilted his head up slightly so he could meet Isak’s eyes, before settling them directly ahead. It was only then that Isak noticed Even’s eyelids were half drooped, face completely lax but not in a way that suggested he was relaxed. All Isak could read in his expression was exhaustion.
“I’m just tired,” Even shrugged half-heartedly. “I didn’t sleep much last night.” Isak felt a pang of guilt for not noticing but quickly pushed it away. Regardless, due to the late-night study sessions and all-nighters, Isak would often pull to prepare for an exam or finish an assignment he neglected, he found himself waking up later and later in the day, to the point where he wouldn’t see Even before university. He reminded himself it wasn't his fault — it wasn't anyones — but he still wished he'd seen it sooner.
“How many hours did you get?” Isak asked him. Despite his own occasional flareup of insomnia, Isak usually got a decent amount of sleep regardless of whether it was at a reasonable time or meant getting up at midday.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only insomniac in the apartment. Even shuffled a little, turning onto his stomach so he could rest his arms on Isak’s ribcage and look up at him. “Four,” he said, not even bothering to try to evade the question. “It could be worse,” he insisted, attempting to play it off at least a little bit.
“It could be a lot better, too,” Isak replied, pressing his lips together and frowning. “Is there something wrong? Or is it just randomly not being able to sleep?”
“Nothing happened,” Even said, his tone causing Isak to grimace sympathetically. He twisted a cowlick sticking directly upwards from Even’s skull around his finger, tugging slightly before letting go and moving onto another lock. Even’s eyes drifted shut and he tilted his head into Isak’s hand, a small but content smile gracing both of their faces.
“I just-” Even inhaled sharply, taking a second before continuing. “I feel lost. Hollow. I love you, I love film school, I love our friends and our life but whenever I get a second to think everything feels … wrong. Like we’re just going through the motions.” Isak nodded, smoothing Even’s eyebrow with his thumb to reassure him he understood because he did.
“In a way, I guess we are,” Even mumbled. “We live until we die. But I … I just want more than that.”
“Yeah,” Isak exhaled, watching as Even’s forehead creased. Thoughts like these plagued Isak, hell they plagued everyone. But he knew it was different for Even. Even, who’s brain would sometimes work against him and have him obsess over the darkest thoughts it could create. Even didn’t often share everything he went through during episodes, but from what he had confessed, it wasn’t somewhere Isak wanted to venture. But, he would do anything to help Even.
“I think I’m going into a depressive episode,” Even whispered, opening his blue eyes to look into Isak’s green ones. “Not bad. Well, not as bad as it could be. As it has been. Before. I don't know. Maybe I’m just tired.”
“Could be both,” Isak offered with a smirk. Even grinned up at him, scooting upwards to press their noses together.
“Could be,” he agreed, pressing his lips to the tip of Isak’s nose and then nuzzling it with his own. Isak smiled softly, holding back giggles. No matter how long they were together, no matter how much Even did this, it always rendered Isak to a flustered mess.
They stayed there, exchanging chaste kisses and pressing themselves together. There was no heat behind their actions, only a desire to be close together. Eventually, Isak spared a look at the clock. It was past dinnertime, and he hadn’t eaten since breakfast. Knowing Even, he hadn’t either.
“Alright,” Isak said with a grunt as he tried to push himself up under Even’s weight. “We need to eat.” Even groaned, briefly keeping Isak pinned to the couch before relenting and allowing Isak to stand up. The moment he was on his feet, however, Isak felt two arms latch around his waist and a chin hook over his shoulder. With practised ease, since they seemed to do this routine at least once a week, they made their way to the tiny kitchen where Isak made quick work of preparing cheese toasties. A laugh rumbled behind Isak, reverberating slightly in his own chest, and reluctantly he pulled away so they could eat. He hooked an ankle around Even’s, though, not willing to fully let him go.
Soon enough, they finished and cleared up. Both tired, they got into pyjamas and brushed their teeth. Isak got into their bed, but when he didn’t feel the familiar presence beside him, he turned his head to see Even still standing, gaze slightly darkened from its earlier contentment. Wordlessly, Isak stuck his hand out, and with only a second’s hesitation Even took it and climbed into their bed.
They rolled over so they faced each other. Isak took Even’s face between both of his hands and pressed a tiny kiss to the space between his eyebrows. “I can’t fix it,” he spoke softly. “The thoughts, the troubles. I know it’s heavy. But I know that you don’t need fixing. And I know that I’ll always be here. To help shoulder the weight.”
Even smiled at him sadly. “I’m probably going to be useless when we wake up.”
“No,” Isak disagreed. “Not useless. Never useless.” Even raised his hand to rest on Isak’s cheek, running his thumb across Isak’s eyebrow as Isak did the same to him. Wordlessly, they took each other into their arms and tangled their legs together, utterly wrapped up in each and content to do so.
Isak fell asleep long before Even did. No amount of reassurances or kisses would fix the chemical imbalance in his brain. But, looking down at the beautiful boy gently snoring into his chest, Even knew there would always be someone waiting for him, helping him. So as the darkness took over, Even closed his eyes, knowing it would eventually recede and his boy would be there on the other side.