Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Clay stood still, watching as Justin and his parents looked for a place to put the picture.

The strange feeling that he had been feeling the past few days were back.

He hated that Christmas morning was when he felt this way. He was supposed to enjoy the day with his family that day. Justin had finally returned home. All was supposed to be well.

But no.

Here he was, having a panic attack.

His chest hurt, it felt too overpowering. He couldn't breathe. He felt strangely disconnected, his vision blurring. A dizzy spell hit him, making Clay stumble, grabbing onto the nearest chair. He held the chair tight, trying to fix his vision, and not fall over.

But it was too late.

His legs gave away, making him stumble and fall.

"Clay!”

If the panic attack on its own wasn't bad enough, falling down during one was definitely worse. His mind felt jumbled like he couldn't figure out what was happening. All he knew was that there was no air coming in through his windpipes and that there were three pairs of eyes looking at him with concern.

Clay tried using his very shaky hands to prop himself up but in vain. Suddenly a pair of stronger hands, helped him sit up, gently rubbing his forehands. 

He closed his eyes, gasping for breath. He needed to breathe. How was there no air in the room?

He looked up, his eyes meeting his mothers, who was sitting next to him, her hands on his.

“Can’t breathe,” He choked out, before whimpering, squeezing her hand again.

He felt a pair of his hand tightly grab his shoulders. It was his father. “Clay, kiddo, leans against the wall, alright? Deep breaths.” He moved him so that he could do just that. 

"Justin honey," Clay heard his mother's voice say, "Can you get Clay some water?"

"Yes," Justin's voice was strained, and even in his disoriented and panicked state Clay could pick up his panic.

He hated that. He was supposed to be the one taking care of Justin. Making sure Justin and all his friends were okay. And yet, here he was panicking and sobbing like a little child.

He let out a little sob, shaking his head. His mother pulls him onto a hug. It was a loose hug. Not suffocating him. Solely meant to provide him comfort and protection. For once, he accepted her embrace wholeheartedly, a few more chocked sobs escaping your lips.

"It's okay," He heard her say, "It's okay, honey. Just breathe."

And they stayed like that. His mother hugging him. His father sitting next to him. Justin having returned, sitting right in front of him, the cup of water in his hand. They stayed that way for a while until Clay felt his chest loosen, and it became easier to breathe.

He took in a deep breath, untangling himself from his mother's embrace and leaning against the wall instead. He took in a few more deep breaths, before letting his head drop. He ran his hand through his face, feeling the wetness of the tears in his finger, "I'm okay," He whispered.

"Okay," he heard his dad whisper back, softly patting his shoulder, "You're okay."

Justin propped up, putting forward the cup of water. Clay took it from his hand gingerly, his hands still shaking, but took a few small sips. He put the cup down, his head drooping low.

Clay felt exhausted. Both with the lack of sleep he had been getting due to his nightmare, and now with the panic attack. All he wanted to do was go back and lie down, and for once not have Monty and Bryce infiltrate his mind. 

As though reading his mind, Clay felt his father squeeze his shoulder, before patting it, "C'mon, let's get you to the couch, kiddo. It's more comfortable. You need to eat, and then you can rest for a while."

CLay nodded silently, before standing up. His eyes met Justin as he did so. Justin gave him a small comforting smile, although he still looked frightened.

He walked till the couch, lying down there.

"We'll eat breakfast on the couch today?" Matt asked or rather stated, before going to the kitchen, 'I'll make something quickly."

There was a hand running through his hair softly. It was his mother. He looked at her to see her worried expression, which disappeared as she masked it into a smile, "Are you feeling better honey?"

He nodded, "Yeah. Sorry for spoiling-" He stopped when his mother shook her head.

"It's not your fault Honey, you had a panic attack. It wasn't intentional."

Clay just nodded, not really digesting her words.

“Lainie, can you help me with this?” His father called out from the kitchen. It was immediately followed by a loud bang before they heard him swear. 

Despite the current mood, Clay cracked a smile. Justin snorted. 

"I better go, before something breaks," Her mother said, before leaving.

There was a silence, as Justin took a seat where his mother was seated before.  

“Sorry,” Clay rasps out again, but Justin shakes his head before he can say anything else.

“You didn’t do shit. You fucking collapsed because of a panic attack. Don’t say sorry.”

Once again, Clay keeps quiet, feeling his eyes close. He was just so tired.

“Is this your first panic attack?” He opened his eyes at that, staring at Justin's worried ones.

Clay shook his head, “No I’ve had them since I was eight”

“No, I know that. You had one in middle school remember?"

Clay nodded. He did remember. He had had one in the middle of class because he had had a presentation next period. It was one of the most embarrassing moments Clay had endured in the last eighteen years of his life. "I meant recently.”

“No, I haven't.”

Justin saw through his lie. He sighed, giving Clay the same look his mother gave him when he had come home drunk, “Clay-”

“I’m fine, or I will be. Please.” He felt his breath quicken as he spoke, and he sighed.

Justin noticed too, which was why he let it go. He rubbed Clay's shoulder comfortingly, “Okay. It’ll be fine. We’ll help you. We'll figure this out."

No, we won't. I'm fucked up.

Clay didn't say so out loud and instead closed his eyes again.

They stayed like that: CLay with his eyes closed, and Justin with his hand on Clay's shoulder, rubbing it comfortingly. 

Chapter Text

Justin scoffed as Clay entered the outhouse, and put his keys on the table.

"You fucking drove home drunk?" He asked, but didn't get a response from Clay, "What the fuck is up with you? Are you dumb?"

Justin could feel his blood boiling as Clay ignored him, his face stoic, and poured himself a glass of water. 

He got up from the bed and banged the table. Clay flinched, but remained stoic, "Clay for fuck's sake I'm talking to you."

Clay looked up, his eyes cold.

It didn't seem like it was Clay. His shoulders were squared and he had an angry look on his face. He looked about ready to punch Justin right then. For a moment, Justin thought he was about to do that. But instead, all he find was look back down.

"Yeah, well stop." Clay's voice was low, "I don't want you too. Just leave me fucking alone. I don't want you to talk to me."

With that, Clay left, going to the bathroom, before slamming the door shut.

Justin was left standing on the dark alone absorbing these words. He felt tears well up in his eyes and he angrily wiped them away. he didn't understand. He didn't understand why Clay hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. 

For a moment he wondered whether he should run away again. Clay had told him that Matt and Lainie didn't trust him, and Clay clearly didn't want him here.

Maybe he should just leave.

But a small part of Justin knew that this boy wasn't Clay. That something was horribly off with Clay, and he shouldn' leave without talking to Clay about it properly.

Which was why, he went back to his bed, wiping the tears from his eyes.

I'll leave tomorrow, Justin thought if this is what Clay truly wants.

-

Clay woke up at around eight the next morning with a mind-numbing headache. He hissed with pain, sitting up slowly. He didn't remember why he suddenly had that bad of a headache, or why his entire body felt as weak as it did.

He looked towards the table to see Justin sitting there, scrolling through his phone.

"Hey," He told Justin. The latter looked up at him briefly, before looking back down, his eyes hardened.

Clay frowned at that. Something must have happened. Justin was always a morning person. Always bright and happy early in the morning. Never angry.

"What?" he said, slowly standing up, and walking till the table, "Why are you being all pissy?"

Justin's face stayed emotionless, still looking at his phone, "You were the one who said you didn't want to talk to me."

CLay frowned at that, shaking his head, "I didn't- when did I say that?"

Finally, Justin looked up. But he was glaring at Clay, clearly annoyed with him, "Really that's how you're going to act? That you don't fucking remember?"

"I don't." Clay rose his voice, defensively, "What did I say? What happened?"

Justin scoffed, putting his phone down with a slam, and standing up, "Fuck you, Clay."

"No, Justin, Please." Clay racked his mind, trying to remember what he had done to set Justin off, but he couldn't remember anything, "I really don't remember."

At that, Justin frowned. Clay's expression was believable. He genuinely looked really confused and out of it. Like he didn't remember why jsutin was acting the way he way. Justin coked an eyebrow, "How high were you that you don't remember what you did?"

He watched as Clay did a double-take, his jaw slackening, "I was...I was high?"

"You don't remember being high?" Justin asked, frowning as he sat back down. Justin had been high many many times, but not once had he been so high that he didn't remember being high.

"Wait what happened?" Clay asked, sinking down on the other chair, "I went to the party and then-" He shook his head, closing his eyes as if to see if he could remember anything, "I don't really remember much."

Justin stayed quiet for a moment, his eyes searching Clay's. As unlikely as it sounded that Clay didn't remember anything, he also didn't look like he was lying. He genuinely looked lost, as though he wasn't in touch with reality. And having been sharing a room with CLay the last few months, it didn't seem that far off. 

So he sighed, before nodding, "You drove home drunk. And then you said some shit to me at the party. And you had a fight."

"Who- what- why?" If the situation was different Justin would've laughed at the expression that came over Clay's face. It was a mixture of horror, surprise, and confusion, "What do you mean, I had a fight? Is that why my nose is swollen?"

"Holy shit, how do you not remember any of this?"

When Clay didn't respond, and instead just gave him a look of disbelief, Justin continued, "You had a fight with Valerie's boyfriend."

"Who the fuck is Valerie? And why did I have a fight with her boyfriend?"

Justin snorted, "I'm pretty sure you had sex with Valerie. And I don't know why you had a fight with his boyfriend."

There was a silence as Clay nodded, running his hand over his face. He was just so confused and lost. Nothing made sense anymore. but it still didn't explain why Justin was that mad at him.

He suddenly looked back at Justin, remembering the second part of Justin's sentence, "And what shit did I tell you?"

At once, a much more serious look came over Justin's face. He shook his head, averting his eyes from Clay's, "It doesn't matter."

"It clearly does. What did I tell you?"

Justin swallowed, clearly uncomfortable about telling Clay whatever it was that he had told Justin. Clay felt dread fill him as he waited for Justin to fill him in.

But nothing prepared him for what he had actually told Justin.

"That Matt and Lainie were your parents, not mine. And that, they never really believed me, that's why they drug tested me. And that no one really believes me." Justin's voice was barely over a whisper as he told this to Clay, and he had sunk even lower into his seat.

All Clay could do was stare at him dumbfounded for a moment, not believing what he had told his brother. He shook his head, taking in a shaky breath, "I didn't- I didn't mean that."

"Are you sure?"

The guilt that settled in Clay's stomach was vast. He looked at the boy in front of him, who had just asked him if he was sure, and he hated himself. It had taken all of them forever to make Justin believe that he was a part of their family and that they loved him. And within one night, they were back at square one, just because Clay had been an asshole.

"Yeah, fuck. Justin, I swear on my fucking life I never meant that. Mom and dad are your parents too. They probably love you more than me at this point given how fucked up I am-"

"Don't-" Justin started, but Clay shook his head, making him trail off.

"No, listen." Clay swallowed, "I shouldn't have said that shit. Fuck. I didn't mean it. They trust you, okay? And they love you. And they are your parents, okay? I don't, I really don't hate you."

Justin nodded, although there was still a flicker of doubt in his eyes. He exhaled, looking back at Clay, "Then why have you been such a dick to me lately. I didn't do shit?"

Once again, Clay didn't have a good answer. All he could do was shake his head, "I don't know. I really don't. I don't know what's wrong with me."

The two of them stayed silent absorbing each other's words. It was the first time in months they had talked properly, without Clay snapping or walking out, or ignoring Justin.

Clay swallowed, clearing his throat, "And I'm sorry that I accused you of switching the drug tests."

"So you did do drugs?" The hurt in Justin's voice was very clear. He gave Clay a disappointed look, before looking back down.

"I don't know-" Clay shook his head, staring at one spot in the table as he tried to make sense of what was going on with him, "I just- I don't remember doing them. But I also didn't remember telling you all that shit or getting high at the party, so maybe I did and-" Clay sat back, biting his lips, "I don't know. I don't know anything."

Justin nodded, offering Clay a small smile, "It's okay." 

"I'll tell mom and dad that I did drugs and I lied," Clau suddenly said, sitting straight up. 

Justin shook his head, frowning. Even he knew that Clay would get into serious trouble for not only lying but also putting the blame on Justin. And as annoyed and hurt as Justin was with Clay he didn't want Clay to get into trouble, "You don't have to-"

"I do." Clay interrupted, and Justin knew that nothing he would say would make Clay change his mind. One of Clay's most aggravating traits was being stubborn, and headstrong, which meant it would be next to impossible for Justin to convince him otherwise, "I was an asshole and I'm going to make up for it."

Justin smiled, "Okay. But that's not-" Justin gave Clay a concerned look, "The fact that you don't remember doing it is not good."

Clay nodded, "I know. But that's not my priority right now."

Both the boys stayed quiet after that, Justin getting up to go for breakfast, and Clay going to get changed.

"Fuck," Clau suddenly said, a realization hitting him. He groaned, looking at Jsutin.

"What?"

"How am I going to explain to mom and dad what happened to my nose now? They think we've been home all night."

Justin snorted at that. After everything, this was what Clay was worried about, "You fell off your bed?" he offered. 

"It's either that, or you punched me. So I'll go with bed one," Clay said, a small smile on his face.

"Okay," Justin clapped his back, smiling.

-

"I lied."

About halfway into breakfast Clay said this. That was the first word that was uttered that day during the meal. Given that both Justin and Clay were grounded, and Matt and Lainie were mad at both of them, family breakfast was very awkward.

"What?" Matt asked, looking towards his son. He frowned slightly at the swollen but decided to bring it up later. A part of him didn't even want to know what had happened.

"I did drugs." Clay muttered, looking down as he moved his food around in his plate, "I blamed it on Justin. He didn't swap the tests."

Both Matt and Lainie looked at Justin who was also looking at Clay. He didn't seem surprised at the sudden declaration. He had clearly known about this.

"Why would you put the blame on Justin then?" Lainie's voice was sharp as she asked that, her gaze piercing into Clay.

Clay shook his head silently. Lainie wanted to shout at Clay. She wanted to tell him to talk to them properly. To not close every conversation by refusing to speak. Maybe, for one, they could hold a good conversation.

"Justin, we're so sorry for even doubting you for a second," Lainie told him, an apologetic expression on her face, "We apologize."

Justin gave them both a weak smile, fidgeting on his seat, "It's -It's okay."

"Clay," Clay looked up at her father's words to see the disappointment in his eyes, "Why?"

"I don't know." He swallowed shaking his head, "I swear I haven't been doing it that frequently or anything. It was a one-time thing."

"Any yet you blamed it on Justin!" Unlike Matt, Lainie was vocal about her disappointment with Clay, "Clay Jensen, do you know how hard it has been on Justin to recover and how hard he has been trying? And after all of that, you tell him that he switched the tests? I cannot even believe you-"

"I know." CLay sighed with resignation, "I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry."

"Well, you're grounded for the next month." Lainie watched as Clay opened his mouth to argue, before shaking her head, "It's non-negotiable. You go to school, you come back. I don't want to hear any excuses from you, got it?"

"Yeah."

There was a small silence as the four of them went back to their food before Justin cleared his throat. All of them looked at him.

"I um- I went to visit my mom because she's been calling me. She wants money, and I don't know. I guess, she's not doing good. I wasn't buying drugs or anything I swear."

Lainie's eyes softened as she looked at Justin, "When has Amber been calling you since?"

"A week or so?" Justin shrugged.

"Okay." Matt nodded, sharing a look with Lainie, "We can- we can help her if you want."

"You don't have to." Justin shook his head rapidly, "I got this."

"Justin,  kiddo" Matt told him, giving Justin a warm smile, "we want to help."

There was a silence, before Justin spoke up again, "So does that mean that I'm not grounded anymore?"

Even Clay laughed at that. All four of them chuckled, Matt and Lainie exchanging looks again.

"Yeah." Lainie told him, before looking back at Clay, a much more stern expression on her face, "But you still are."

Clay sighed, "I know, mom."

"Clay, what happened to your nose?" Matt asked finally, raising an eyebrow. He watched as Clay and Justin exchanged looks, Justin clearly biting back a laugh. A part of him wondered if Justin had punched Clay. He wouldn't be surprised.

"Um- I fell off the bed," Justin snorted at that, while Clay's face went bright red.

"You fell off the bed?" Matt repeated, the disbelief clear in his voice.

"Yeah, I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, and I tripped." Justin snorted once more, covering his mouth after that, while Clay glared at him, his jaw tightening.

Matt and Lainie sighed collectively but didn't push it. They had had enough revelations as of one breakfast.

"Well, ice it."

Chapter Text

It had been about a week since Clay was out of Jail. 

A lot had happened since day. He had helped cover up a murder. Thanksgiving had happened. Justin had confessed to doing drugs. His parents had set Justin up to go to rehab in a day. He had started having his nightmares again (except now it was about Monty and Bryce.)

But one thing hadn't happened. He hadn't talked to Justin about standing up at the assembly that had taken place in school. It had been playing at his mind as soon as he got out of Jail, and things had sort of settled down. he had been meaning to bring it up, but he didn't know how to.

But now, Justin was packing and leaving for rehab the next day. He wouldn't be at home for three weeks. Clay didn't have more time to put away from talking to him about this.

That was why, as Justin worked on his college applications in his laptop, and Clay was reading one of his comics that Friday evening that CLay decided to go for it.

Clay put his comic down, straightened his back, and cleared his throat, "Justin?"

Justin raised an eyebrow, "Yeah?"

"You remember the day I um-got arrested?" Clay asked, his voice hesitant.

At that, Justin closed the laptop, giving Clay all his attention, "Yeah, what about that day?"

Clay swallowed, before taking in a deep breath, "And that assembly that we had at school?"

At that, Justin stiffened knowing what Clay was alluding to, "Oh."

Clay let out an exhale, shaking his head, "You don't have to tell me like seriously you really don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I totally understand and honestly, I get why you haven't brought it up yet or whatever. I won't be angry at you because you haven't told so you can relax, but I just- you know I care about you and if you ever need someone to talk to about this or something-"

Justin knew that if he didn't interrupt Clay then, Clay could go for the entire evening. Knowing Clay, he probably knew how to say that once sentence in every different way possible. Which was why, he chuckled, breaking him off, "Clay, Jesus, relax."

"Sorry," Clay smiled, chuckling softly, "What I want to say is that I'm here if you want to talk about it. Not that you have to-"

"Yeah," Justin interrupted, giving him a warning look, "don't start back up again. I get what you mean."

"Okay."

Justin knew that Clay kept quiet waiting for him to either speak up or tell him he didn't want to talk about it. Which was why, he got up, and sat on his bed, resting his forearms on his thighs. He looked down, taking in a deep breath, a prepping himself, "I was five, and my mom had a boyfriend who wasn't a  very nice guy. And um- after my mom would pass out he would come to my room and he would like, touch me at first. And then he um-started to make me touch his..."

Justin stole a glance at CLay to see his reaction. He had a look of horror on his face, his entire face white as he listened on, "He would put his fingers in my mouth and start jerking off."

Justin exhaled at that, reaching and wiping his eyes. Clay kept quiet, somehow knowing that Justin had more to tell him.

"And then when I was homeless," Justin heard Clay inhale deeply, "sometimes I had to do stuff with guys to- to get money. And sometimes those guys did stuff we didn't agree on."

There was a pause after he finished, and Justin took that time to compose himself. No matter how many times he told people this or how much time passed, he felt the same way every time he spoke. As though he was five, and he was alone and scared in his room hoping that his mother wouldn't pass out. As though he was all alone in this world, with no one in his side.

And every time it took him a minute to remember that it was different now. He had a family now. He had Clay. He had Jess.

"Justin I-" Justin looked up to see Clay's lips tremble, "I'm so sorry that happened to you."

There was a pause, Clay sniffled, before wiping his eyes.

"You're crying. Clay, fuck, you're crying," Justin laughed with disbelief, before getting up and sitting next to Clay and punching him lightly on his arm, "Clay, hey, I'm fine. It was a while back."

Clay just shook his head, looking at Justin, pain clear in his eyes, "I'm so sorry that you went through that."

"Yeah," Justin nodded, looking at the floor, "me too."

"Are you okay though?" Clay asked, looking at Justin. He hated that Justin had to go through this. And when he was 5? He couldn't even imagine how that was like.

"Clay, I literally just said that I was okay."

"Yeah," Clay shook his head, his eyes not leaving Justin's, "but are you really okay?"

Justin clapped his back, nodding, "Yeah. I am. It's because of you and your folks."

Clay shrugged ignoring the last part of the sentence. Suddenly a thought crossed his mind, and he looked back at Justin, "Speaking of my parents, do you- should you tell them?"'

"I- not yet." Justin confessed, fidgeting with his hands, "I don't think I can tell them yet."

"I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had to tell me," Clay told him, exhaling, "I didn't mean to."

Justin snorted at that, looking at Clay. How had he gotten so lucky to have someone like Clay like his brother, and Lainie and Matt as his parents? He was the luckiest son of a bitch, "Dude, you literally repeatedly told me that I didn't have to tell you almost ten times before I told you."

"I love you," Clay told him, elbowing him gently and looking down.

Justin did the same, elbowing him a bit harder and making Clay grunt, but smiling at Clay.

"I love you too, bro."