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Yoongi stops. Physically, abruptly, frog in the mouth heart somewhere in his left big toe, stops. The person walking behind him mutters an obscenity and glares at him but Yoongi doesn’t hear it. He doesn’t hear anything but his ever-increasing heartbeat and Joe Jonas singing ‘it’s gonna take me longer than I thought oh to get over you’. Cue beats. Cue funky music. Cue yoongi’s heart falling even further below his toes. Cue Yoongi having a mid-existential crisis over seeing his ex in the middle of one of America’s busiest subway station at peak rush hour at five in the evening. Cue more swearing from strangers who just want to go home and dive straight into bed and read Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf or who can finally binge that new Korean drama with that hot actor who looks 21 but is actually 32 and Yoongi is currently in the way causing a shift of angry, frustrated, tired people around him wondering if he has a problem. The drama is called It’s Okay to Not be Okay and the word phrasing really annoys Yoongi because it should be ‘It’s Okay Not to be Okay’ but that's okay. He’s not okay.
And Yoongi gets it, he really does. He had a nice little plan himself to go home and produce some tunes here and there that’s been floating in and out of his head the past couple of days. But that’s ruined. It’s ruined because Park freaking Jimin is standing there with orange! ORANGE! Fucking orange hair wearing glasses (is that new?) and a long brown coat laughing with another dude that seems to be wearing similar office attire but Yoongi isn’t focusing on the other dude right now because Park freaking Jimin is in his line of sight. It’s ruined because now, Yoongi is going to a) wish he hadn’t deleted all those photos even though technically, he didn’t. Namjoon did, after an extensive and unnecessary powerpoint presentation titled ‘why Yoongi should forget Park Jimin and delete his photos and clear his deleted folder immediately thereafter’. b) drink hot chocolate and start writing distressing and aching poetry that only Taylor Swift will truly understand. c) allow himself to cry two tears to sleep because he’s weak-hearted but he still has some aspect of dignity left and still misses Park Jimin. Joe Jonas was right. Joe Jonas is always right. Oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why am I stuck on you- Shut up, Joe Jonas.
Yoongi breathes. Tries to think rationally, purposefully, logically. The key word, is obviously, tries. He should’ve listened carefully when Hobi was crafting that plan. A genius plan, brilliant plan probably but Yoongi does not remember because it was ridiculous and stupid. The What Should One Do When One Crosses Park Jimin Plan. He’s sure interacting with him is not one of the steps, but a sudden desire to, at least, have Jimin look at him grabs Yoongi by the hands and steers him towards Jimin and his lovely colleague-friend-oh-shit-potential-boyfriend-I-did-not-think-about-that-previously. He hears Namjoon in his gentle, firm voice asking him to think again and Hobi downright yelling at him to abort, crying out ‘are you crazy?’ while simultaneously cheering him on but he also hears his heartbeat, still ever increasing and in his foot and telling him to walk to that person with orange hair and that smile that causes short circuits in Yoongi’s brain and so he does. He is unaware he takes crooked, pained steps that makes him look like he’s got a severe case of pins and needles but nothing matters right now. Step 1: walk up to orange-haired Jimin. What comes after that remains unclear; he is unable to think further ahead. C’est la vie, non?
Today, at this very moment at 5:15pm, Yoongi is reckless and doesn’t know pride and integrity. At 2am he will, but not at 5:15pm.
A train zooms by on the platform and comes to a rest in front of where Jimin and that dude are waiting, but they don’t get on for some reason. The doors slide open and let loose another horde of eager people being tugged by their threads back home and Yoongi loses Jimin for a blurry moment. But that orange, he’d recognise that anywhere again. Not that he’s thinking about that specific autumn day on the 3rd of September but that’s exactly what he is thinking about. Don’t think about it don’t think about it he can’t not think about it. Yoongi can only see Jimin’s side profile and he is still effortlessly, god-help-him, stunningly, gorgeous. Wind/train-swept hair, and that face that Yoongi has tried not to think about for three years. That person. It has been partially successful; Yoongi thinks someone should commend him. Who the fuck thought it was a good idea for Fate to thrust this particular Park Jimin in his life again?
Something the other dude says makes Jimin laugh, the kind of laugh that makes his whole face light up and his eyes unintentionally shut so he can’t see anything yeah, you know which one. The one that causes those butterflies Yoongi thought was dead goddamn it in his stomach to revive and flutter again. The one that Yoongi has partially forgotten the effect of. The Butterfly Effect. Yoongi’s entire solar system elapses and stars collapse and explode everywhere, causing him to frantically arrange his planets and think of a new sun that isn’t so deadly and bright in approximately 2 seconds. It almost makes him stop dead in his pitying hobble. It occurs to Yoongi that this is a bad idea.
Jimin was an aspiring journalist when Yoongi met him. He became a journalist for the New York Times doing short, often overlooked columns a few years later but is now doing feature writing that people actually read and love now. Of course, it is just coincidence that Yoongi buys the New York Times paper daily at a local hotdog stand every morning before he goes to work. It is also coincidence that he scans the pages and always ends up only reading articles written by a certain person that has the initial P.J and doing the crosswords. Coincidence. Yoongi is in denial. He did say partially successful.
‘You don’t say hi to your ex’. Yoongi is pretty sure that was one of the steps in the What Should One Do When One Crosses Park Jimin Plan. If it was anyone other than Park Jimin, any other ex in the world, Yoongi is sure he would be fine. In fact, he remains friends with Daniel, the one that came before Jimin, who he even grabs the occasional coffee with and he’s fine. There’s nothing awkward or butterfly-inducing in that. It’s the Park Jimin effect. The Butterfly Effect. Yoongi is breaking that step. Joe Jonas is still singing in his ear but the song is ending soon. Don’t you think about it, don’t you second guess it- he pulls his earphones out his ears and stuffs them in his jacket pocket. Target approximately six metres away. He thinks he’s hyperventilating slightly but that can’t be it because Yoongi is the epitome of the cool, calm and collected ex that you wish you never broke up with, Park Jimin.
Four metres away. The route is clear with no obstacles obstructing except for maybe that dude/potential new boyfriend. This is a bad idea. A woman talking loudly on the phone enters Yoongi’s self-external warzone path for a moment, talking about something to do with dogs and manicures and Yoongi sees it as a sign. A sign to reconsider his probably healthier options to tackle this sticky situation but he can’t just stop now four metres away from him and have another semi-existential crisis oh my god. So he continues walking, chickens out last second while pretending to scroll through his phone and passes them by. He doesn’t look up, doesn’t look at them not even a small glance, doesn’t do anything but walk straight through he is impenetrable, Jimin are you looking?
The butterflies explode.
Jimin sees Min Yoongi walking in front of him, and stops. Stops listening to Eun-woo’s one-sided debate on whether he should watch Your Name or Grave of the Fireflies tonight or if he should just watch both but that’s too much crying then. Stops listening. Stops time. Stops breathing.
Min Yoongi, who he didn’t know goes to this subway. Who was scrolling on a black-screen who just passed by who was his ex. Jimin laughs in disbelief, Yoongi’s name on his tongue before he stops short. His smile fades. It’s probably best they don’t talk or meet again, after all these years stretched between them. What is he even going to say? Hey Yoongi-hyung, remember me? I know we haven’t spoken in what, close to three years? I’m still sorry about that day I think about it every night and every other way it could’ve gone I’m so sorry I wanted to call you but I couldn’t find the courage to I hope you’re doing better than I am. He watches Yoongi getting further and further away, a rush of feelings rising up in his throat like bile. And then he’s being swallowed up by a sea of commuters and a racket of rowdy teenagers and then he’s gone. I miss you.
“Hey are you even listening to me right now?” Eun-woo waves a hand in front of his face.
Jimin snaps out of his daze and gives an apologetic grin. “Sorry,” he looks back at the direction Yoongi walked to. “Just thought I saw someone I knew.”
“Anyways because you were being so attentive I will repeat my decision and tell you again that I have decided to go with Your Name,” Eun-woo rambles on. Jimin nods but he’s only half-listening because Jimin is still thinking about Min Yoongi.
He’s gone he’s gone he’s gone. Yoongi exhales. Wills his butterflies to calm the fuck down please this is not necessary. Only realises now that he was scrolling a black screen and internally cringes and dies a sorry death by reliving the past five minutes. He groans and tries not to cry right there and then at 5:22pm. He’s not being delusional if he’s positive that Jimin looked at him and almost called his name right? Right? That’s right, he’s not being delusional. He tries not to cringe again and dejectedly plugs his earphones in his ear. His friends are going to die laughing from this while he dies another sorry death. Some Taylor Swift would be good now but he replays the Loote and Joe Jonas song again. Hell, it’s definitely going to take him longer than he thought to get over Park Jimin.