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The twang of a banjo and the beating of drums was infectious, it coursed through your veins like the cinnamon whiskey you’d been sipping on all night. You were sweaty, your arms flailing in the air, not caring how ridiculous you might look. Various friends of yours, men and women alike, grabbed you by the hands and danced with you, your bodies moving rhythmically together. It had been a long time since you’d let go like this, let yourself just revel in being alive, not just being a survivor. Friends kept offering you shots of the cinnamon whiskey and you kept downing more, one after another in between songs, in between your chest pressing against your current dance partner, raucous giggles and tripping over heavy work boots. A slow song came on, and you walked over to a table, leaning on your elbow. As you wiped the sweat from your brow, a friend of yours tapped you on the shoulder.
“Don’t look now, but I think Joel is checking you out.”
“What? Nuh-uh,” you turned to look at the table where he sat with Tommy, and sure enough, you made searing eye contact with Joel for a brief moment. He seemed shocked when your eyes locked onto his and he quickly averted his gaze to the contents of his mug.
“I told you not to look, dipshit.”
“Shut up,” you slurred, but you couldn’t stop the smirk from creeping onto your cheeks.
“If you don’t tell that man how you feel, I’m gonna hurt you.”
With a scoff, you tossed another shot back, wincing through your next words. “He doesn’t like me, dude. Trust me. I’ve lived next door to him for almost two years? He’s nice and all but... he never talks to me for more than ten minutes.”
“Maybe you just make him nervous,” your friend said with a teasing grin.
You shot them an incredulous look, eyebrow raised. “Joel Miller? Nervous? We talking about the same guy?”
“I know he’s a hard ass and all but he’s not got a heart of stone. You ever seen the way he treats Ellie? He’s got a soft spot. Maybe you just need to get him to open up to you.”
“That’s different. She’s his daughter. I’m just a random person that lives next door.”
Your friend shook their head emphatically, rising to rejoin the crowd that had started dancing to another fast-paced song. “You keep making excuses and it’ll never happen. Try, at least. Okay?”
“I’ll think about it!” you answered over the music, but you were already planning to do the opposite. Truthfully, your high spirits were starting to crash, especially after that “pep talk”. They’d meant well, but your insecurity about making a move had been plaguing you for quite some time. You decided that now would be a good time to slip away and go back home to turn in for the night. You were supposed to have patrols in the morning anyway, and though you knew there would be no stopping the raging hangover you would undoubtedly wake up with, you could at least make it less debilitating by drinking some water and getting some sleep. Grabbing your jacket, you slung it over your shoulder and stumbled towards the huge double doors of the community center, concentrating on trying to look like you had your shit together so no one would bother you. It clearly wasn’t working though, as a voice stopped you in your tracks before you could even exit the building.
“Hey, uh... You want me to walk you home?”
You knew it was Joel from his voice before you even turned to look up at his face, lined with... worry? Was he concerned for you? At this point, your eyes could barely focus on any one thing. You just knew that even with double vision, he was still as handsome as ever.
Well, now would be a good time to at least try to make a move.
“Yeah, that’d be good.”
“Alright then, come on,” he said, walking in front of you to hold the door open. You said thanks in a voice you weren’t even sure that he heard over the volume in the room, but he nodded anyway, and you stepped out into the dark winter evening, the cold air settling deep into your bones.
“Put that jacket on,” huffed Joel.
“You’re not the boss of me,” you retorted lamely, but you put your jacket on anyway. You could barely keep your balance, swaying in the ankle deep snow, and you saw Joel look over to peer down at you, shaking his head in disapproval. You frowned up at him.
“You need help walkin’?” He seemed impatient but also amused, like he was doing everything he could to hold back a smile. His eyes betrayed him, an unusual twinkle giving you hope that maybe you weren’t just a dumb kid to him.
“I’m fine,” you said, but you stumbled over your own feet almost as soon as you had said so.
Rolling his eyes, he held out his arm, bent at the elbow. “Come on, just lean on me.”
Hesitantly, you looped your arm through his, and he began walking you to your house. It would only take a few minutes to get there, and you tried to walk purposefully slow, unwilling to cease contact with the older man. You’d never touched him intentionally before, and even through his thick coat you could feel the heat that radiated from him, dispelling the chill within you. It almost made you shiver.
“You’ve had quite the night, ain’t ya?” Joel said awkwardly, staring straight ahead. You thought it was adorable, him trying to fill the silence, even though it wasn’t necessary. You would’ve been fine just thinking to yourself about what you wished would happen.
“What do you mean?” you asked, but you knew what he meant.
There he was, shaking his head again, but this time he didn’t conceal a smile, a deep chuckle rumbling deep in his chest. It was the first time you’d heard him laugh beyond a slightly amused exhale from his nose at one of your dumb jokes. It warmed you from within.
“You know what I mean, you damn hellion. Gettin’ piss drunk, dancing for hours.”
You shrugged your shoulders, looked up at him through your lashes. “Is it so bad to wanna have fun every now and then?”
“No, I never said that, it’s just — Oh, look. We’re here,” he said casually, but he didn’t drop his arm, didn’t make a move to leave. He paused, standing there in the snow, looking at you like he was sizing you up. “You like coffee?”
You nodded, teeth chattering slightly.
“Wanna come have a cup?”
Another nod and he was leading you up the steps, jangling his keys in his pockets while you leant up against a post to stop your swaying. You suddenly felt a lot more drunk than you had before, and a lot less sure of yourself. The sudden urge to apologize for your sloppiness arose within you, but you held it back.
He opened the door and you stepped inside, slipping your boots off on the welcome mat.
“Well, here it is. My humble abode,” he gestured lazily, shucking off his own snowy boots before stepping towards the kitchen. “Go ahead, make yourself at home.”
He disappeared, and you stood in the entryway, unsure of what to do with yourself. You decided to peruse his living room, observing books on shelves, carvings of woodland creatures, a framed drawing of him that was labeled “To Joel, From Ellie”. Perhaps your friend was right — underneath all the hardness, he had hobbies and interests. Even with his reputation of being a stern and serious man, he loved Ellie like his own daughter. When you were sure you’d seen it all, you tip-toed into the kitchen to see his back turned to you, pouring steaming hot coffee into two mugs. When he turned around, he saw you leaning in the doorway, and you could swear you saw the ghost of a smile on his face.
“I don’t know how you like your coffee, but if you need some cream, I’ve got some sittin’ on the counter.”
You took the mug from his hand, poured a healthy dose of cream in, and followed him into his living room. He had already sat down on the couch, propped his feet up on the coffee table. You hesitated, not wanting to set him off or cross a boundary.
“You can sit next to me, you know. I won’t bite.”
A blush crept up your cheeks, but you sat next to him, hyper aware of the placement of your legs in relation to his own. For a moment you sat silently, daintily sipping the coffee. It was exactly what you needed, a subtle shock to your system after a continuous numbing session.
“This is the first time I’ve ever been here,” you offered awkwardly. There were so many times when you’d imagined what you’d say, what you’d do in a situation like this. Now that you were here, you couldn’t shake your nervousness.
“Yeah, it does seem a little overdue, huh? Considering we’re neighbors an’ all. I’m sorry about that, I...” he cleared his throat, took a sip from his mug before continuing. “I’m tryin’ to be better about, uh. Bein’ more social. That’s why I was at the dance tonight. Kinda promised Ellie I would work on it.”
You turned slightly to look at him, appraising. “You’d do anything for that girl, wouldn’t you?”
He met your eyes, not shying away for the first time that night, and said “Yes,” in a definitive tone.
“You guys are sweet. She’s a cool kid.”
He smiled, and his face was overtaken with light. “She’s a handful, that’s for sure.”
“I see her with her girlfriend a lot, what’s her name, Dina? They seem happy together.”
Joel’s eyes were full of mirth, the smile still plastered on his face as he shook his head fondly. “Happy enough that she’s begging me to start dating.”
You arched a brow at him. “Oh really?”
He immediately seemed regretful, no longer meeting your gaze.
“Well, I, uh... she just wants me to meet new people. Try to be happy, I guess. I tell her I don’t need someone else to be happy, but I guess she just thinks I’m by myself too much.”
“Are you? By yourself too much, I mean?”
Shrugging his shoulders, he said “Probably,” in a toneless voice.
“If it makes you feel better, all night my friend was trying to get me to talk to this guy I’ve been crushing on for a long time. It’s really annoying because I know he doesn’t like me back, so what’s the point in trying, you know? But they just want me to be happy, too.” As soon as the words came tumbling out, you wished you hadn’t said them, but the whiskey was still working its dark magic on you, pulling feelings from you that you had tried and failed to internalize.
Joel didn’t say anything for a moment, and it only served to increase your heart rate. When he broke the silence, his eyes met yours as he said, “Well, you never know. He might feel the same way. You just gotta try.”
Were you imagining the way his eyes darted down to your lips? Were you reading too deeply into the intensity of his stare? Were you still swaying from the whiskey or was he leaning in towards you —
Fuck it.
You pressed your lips against his, probably a little too hard, but he didn’t recoil. He placed a hand on your shoulder, deepening the kiss for a moment, before pulling away.
He mumbled your name, and you began to panic.
“I’m sorry, I — I shouldn’t have done that,” you said, making to stand up, your coffee still in hand.
“It was me?” he asked, his voice full of vulnerability as he looked up at you.
You stared at him blankly, unsure what he was asking.
“I’m the one you were talkin’ to your friend about?”
Embarrassment rushed through you, but you nodded.
His face was unreadable, and the silence in the room was stifling. So many thoughts and emotions were running through your head and hot tears threatened to form in your eyes the longer he sat there, unmoving.
“I’m just gonna go home,” you stammered, gently setting the coffee cup down on the table.
“Hey, now hold on a second,” he grabbed your wrist just as you had begun to leave, turning you back to face him. “I’m sorry, I’m not... good at this type of thing. I haven’t... it’s been a long time.”
Oh.
You tried to choose your words carefully. “I wasn’t trying to — um. I just wanted you to know... it seemed like a good time to — you know. Try to show you how I feel.”
Confusion was on his face, his eyebrows slightly furrowed.
“I wasn’t trying to make things too intense. I care about you, Joel, and if you want... I’m willing to take it as slow as you need.”
After searching your face for something, you didn’t know what, he gently tugged on your wrist, pulling you back down on the couch. When you were seated, he didn’t let go of your hand.
“I’d like that,” he said finally, his thumb grazing yours, soothing you.
With a smile, you said, “Okay.”