Chapter Text
2015
She held her breath as his fingers laced through hers.
Cassie closed her eyes and for that moment, nothing else mattered. Cole was here. He was alive. And for the first time in two years, Cassie didn’t have to steel herself against him suddenly disappearing from her life. The paradox had destroyed his tether. He now belonged to her time. The thought flooded her with joy.
Cole was waiting for her to meet his gaze. His eyes were open and full of warmth; telling her what she dared not ask out loud. As the snow swirled around them, Cassie felt like they were on the precipice of something new. He smiled slightly and squeezed her hand. His tight grip felt like an anchor against the swirling emotions within her chest.
But this isn’t over.
Cassie forced her eyes away from his face and stared ahead. The child who was also the man at her side had gone inside the foster home with Ramse. Both Coles had been saved last night. Jones was gone. And yet the mission remained. This world was still in jeopardy and they had mere months to stop the Army of the 12 Monkeys. But now it was just the two of them against an army and without a time machine to fight them. She slowly withdrew her hand from his and turned to face him.
“Cole, we have to find Aaron. He could know everything.”
Anger flashed in his eyes. “All those years --- my father. It was always because of us.”
The words hung there between them. Cassie’s heart clenched. Cole had gotten his father back and then lost him all over again. She thought of her own mother and her regrets; all the things that had been left unsaid.
“Cole, this isn’t your fault. Your father died protecting you from them.”
Cole nodded. “I know that, I do. It was just … a lot seeing him again. Cassie, he looked just like I remembered him. But I realized I had forgotten what his voice sounded like.”
He broke off and closed his eyes, gathering himself. Cassie fought against every instinct to pull him close.
“There was so much that I wanted to tell him, so much I needed to understand. He talked about my mother in a way I never heard as a kid…” He trailed off again, his face lined with sadness. The wind pushed his hair into his eyes. Without thinking, Cassie reached up and gently pushed his hair off his face. Her fingers lingered there for a moment against his cheek. Cole leaned in slightly to her touch and her breath hitched in her throat.
Time seemed to stop for just a moment.
Then a car door slammed behind them and Cassie spun around, on alert. The driver of a delivery truck cursed loudly at the parking restrictions. She relaxed for a moment but it was a salient reminder: they were exposed with nowhere to go. And the Army would be looking for them even if she hoped that the explosion had rid them of the Tall Man.
“Cole, we have to move on. They can trace us to here. Someone could be watching us right now.” She couldn’t help but nervously look over her shoulder.
He nodded and smiled wryly, “And thanks to me, your grandparents’ bookstore is blown up.”
Cassie managed a laugh. “Well at least you took some of those assholes out with you. Come on, let’s get something to eat and figure out our next steps.”
“Yeah, I’m starving.”
“Of course you are.”
Cole raised an eyebrow, narrowing his eyes playfully. “Hey, you paradox yourself and see how you feel.”
She laughed again and fell in step with him as he began walking toward the car.
*******
“What’s pad theigh?”
They were sitting in a booth at a Thai restaurant. Cassie had driven to Federal Hill to regroup. It was a neighborhood bustling with people unaware that the world would soon end. It was public enough to temporarily avoid a confrontation with anyone who might be following them but close to the highway if they needed to disappear quickly.
Cassie stifled a laugh. “You mean, pad thai? It’s a noodle dish. Try it, you’ll like it. But you’re definitely going to need a fork, Cole.”
“Hey,” he growled, smiling. “Guess I have time to try a lot of new things now.” He looked up at her quickly and then back down at the menu.
Cassie took refuge in her own menu and kept her voice light. “Imagine all the culinary delights ahead of you. Not just cheeseburgers anymore, Cole.”
“Why would anyone want to eat anything else? Okay, pad… thai? Pad thai it is.”
After they had ordered, Cassie turned to business. “I think I should reach out to Aaron. I can act like I want to talk and ask him to meet me.”
“Doesn’t sound like you ended your last conversation too friendly.” Cole met her eyes and the sentence hung there for a moment. This wasn’t just about the mission and she knew it.
“It didn’t.” She paused as Cole shifted in his seat. “But if I call him, he will come.” A range of emotions flash across Cole’s face. Is he jealous?
“I”ll ask to meet him near the waterfront in DC. It’s in Southwest, close to his office. There’s a place that we used to meet to go sailing near the hill. It’s quiet and close to a bunch of abandoned warehouses. We’ll pick one. Then I’ll meet him alone and keep him talking while you make sure he’s alone. I can make him think I’ve had second thoughts.”
“And then?”
“You still have a gun?”
Cole was silent. He leaned back and held her gaze., “Yes,” he responded slowly, “But Cassie I don’t think…”
“Good. Then you can use it to force us to the warehouse. Then after we get him inside, we’ll get him to talk.”
As she heard herself saying these words out loud, Cassie couldn’t believe that they were coming out of her mouth. But it was the only way they would have any hope of getting Aaron Marker alone. Whatever he had done, Aaron loved her. And now she would have to use that.
Cole leaned forward, his brow furrowed. “Cassie, are you sure that you want to do this? I can take care of it. You don’t have to.”
“Cole, he was my boyfriend. I trusted him. He betrayed me. There’s no way I am sitting this out.”
Cole nodded and then they were silent for a few moments. Cassie felt the anger rising up again. How could he. Aaron had betrayed everything -- her trust, her mission, the world. First, he questioned her sanity. Then when he finally believed her, he had used them to buy safe passage from a pandemic. As if she ever could have stood by and let people die. All those years and he didn’t know her at all. And Cole lost his father because of him. She would never forget Matthew Cole lying in the street. Or the pain in Cole’s eyes when she had told him his father was gone.
Cole dipped his head to meet her gaze. “Cassie, are you ok? I’m not the only one who went through hell last night. What happened … we can talk about it you know.” His eyes were searching her face. She cleared her throat and straightened her back.
“It’s fine, Cole. Really. That’s the past now. All that matters is finding a way to stop them. We’re on our own and we only have a few months left.”
“Okay, then we’ll do it your way. But when it comes time to question him, believe me, you don't want to be a part of that. We'll make it seem like you got away.”
Cassie silently assented to the compromise and slid out of the booth to call Aaron. She took a deep breath and dialed the first number in her recent calls. What a difference one day could make.
He picked up immediately. Cassie closed her eyes and swallowed the bile in her throat. She made her voice sound as soft as possible and told Aaron everything that she knew that he would want to hear: that she had been rash, that he was right, that she wanted out, and to see him. As she hung up, Cassie almost felt guilty at how relieved and hopeful he sounded. She clenched her jaw. He made his choice.
When she returned to their booth, the food had arrived and Cole was struggling to get the noodles on a fork. She smiled to herself.
“Cole, like this.” She took his fork and twirled the noodles around. As she handed the fork back to him, he looked amazed and smiled so broadly that it flooded her with warmth. She marveled at how in the middle of this madness, something so simple could make her feel so happy.
He nodded as he chewed. “Cassie, this is fantastic. I should always listen to you.”
“Yes, you should.”
Cole smirked. “Easy there.” Then gravely, “So, is he coming?”
“Yes, tomorrow at noon. In southwest DC. We can go there first thing and scope it out. It will be no one but us and people working the fish market at that time.”
Cole looked at her, waiting for her to say more. Cassie picked up her fork and started eating instead.
After a moment, he changed course. “So, what did you think of Jones?”
Cassie raised her eyebrows and tilted her head. “She sure is something. I think I liked her.”
“Ha, yeah she can be a little abrupt at first.”
“A little? At first?”
Cole laughed and held his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I wasn’t sure for a long time either. But man, I didn’t know much I was going to miss her until today. I can’t believe I’m never going to see her again.”
“What was that like?” Cassie asked leaning forward. “Seeing the younger version of her?”
“It was weird. It was her for sure -- bossy, confident. But she was a little softer too -- I don’t know. From what Ramse told me, I always knew that losing her daughter was behind the mission but seeing how she was before that — it really let me see how it changed her. ”
Cassie opened her mouth to say something and then stopped. It’s not my secret to tell. She thought back to how Jones had confided in her about her pregnancy just yesterday. And then this morning how she had changed her mind and decided to have that very daughter. How strange that the choice was, in some way, why Cole was sitting across from her right now. Cassie shook her head as a dark thought entered her mind. Is there anything that we can actually change?
“What is it?” Cassie looked up and saw Cole’s concerned expression. For a moment, it chased the dark thoughts away. He misses nothing. It was generally endearing that he already knew her so well. But frustrating at the moment nevertheless.
“It’s nothing. I was just thinking about the heartache that is ahead of her. I can’t imagine losing a child.’
Cole thought for a moment. Then he swallowed hard and pushed his plate away. His eyes glistened with unshed tears. Cassie immediately reached across the table and grabbed his hand. She remained silent, waiting for him to speak.
“I was so hard on Ramse. I know what you’re going to say and it doesn’t make anything he did right. Of course it doesn’t. But I coulda listened more, you know? Been there for him. He always was for me. Seeing us today at the foster home …and what my dad was willing to do for me, basically a stranger to him ….I just wish it all hadn’t gone the way it did.”
Cassie inhaled sharply. Given what she had seen today, she had finally begun to understand the bond that Cole had with this man. But it didn’t change the fact that he was the witness. Ramse was now their enemy -- the architect of a plague that would end the world. Compared to Ramse, Aaron was a boy scout. Of course it was natural to regret the past but they had to be clear eyed about the future.
Cassie squeezed his hand and leaned back in her seat. “I know you do, Cole. I’m sorry.” She looked around at all the people having dinner oblivious to the fact that Jose Ramse was plotting their mass death in a matter of months. As much as her heart ached for Cole, that was all that she could give him.
Cole sniffed. “Well not much to be done about it now.” He gave her a crooked smile. The setting sun cast long shadows through the windows. “What do you say we get out of here and find a place to crash until morning?”
*******
Cassie turned the key to the hotel room and the door creaked open. “Oh.”
There was only one bed.
Cole stopped in his tracks and ran his hand through his hair. “It’s fine. I’ll sleep on the floor. I’m used to far worse.”
“Cole, I’m sorry. This isn’t what I asked for. I think there is something going on at the convention center. Maybe this is all that they had.”
Cole gently touched her shoulder and said, “Cassie, believe me, if you had ever been to where I’m from you’d understand that I’ll get a better night sleep on this floor than I’ve had in years. Don’t worry about it, really. Now, where’s that whiskey?”
She held the bottle up and strode toward the table and two chairs. She could feel Cole’s eyes on her as she opened the bottle and poured generously into two glasses. She pretended to focus on the task at hand. But all of a sudden she was intensely aware that she and James Cole were in a hotel room and no fritzing lights were going to take him away. They were alone. All night.
She drew in a shaky breath and turned to hand a glass to Cole. “To 2015, your new home.” Their eyes locked.
“To 2015,” he replied. As soon as he took a sip, Cassie gulped down half her glass.
Cole eyed her curiously as he took a seat. “I didn't know you could knock 'em back like that.”
As the warmth flooded her body, Cassie felt her nerves steady and the tension in her shoulders ease slightly. She sat down across from him.
“Well there’s a lot you don’t know about me, Cole.” Cassie sounded a lot more confident than she felt. It was true. But also untrue.
He raised an eyebrow at the challenge and leaned forward slightly. “Is that right?”
“That’s right.”
“Okay, tell me what I don’t know.”
“What do you want to know?”
Cole bit his lip for a moment and considered that. Suddenly, all of the rules Cassie had made up to keep her emotions under control were gone. Cole wasn’t going anywhere. She and Aaron were done. The guardrails were off. It was thrilling and terrifying all at once.
“Why did you show up in Philly?”
Wow, ok. Cassie took another swig of whiskey.
“Well, the watch trick was pretty startling, Cole. And then you did disappear in front of my eyes. So I had to find out if I was crazy. Everyone thought I was crazy. Sometimes I even felt crazy. And if I wasn’t, then I had to do something to help.”
Another sip of whiskey. And I kept seeing your face in my head for two years. I just needed to see you again and even I couldn’t understand why.
Cole gave a nod and folded his arms. “Ok, you go.”
Cassie smiled and poured more whiskey into their glasses. She had always wondered something and she was already on her second glass. Fuck it.
“Have you ever had a girl that you were seeing back in 2043?”
An amused look passed across Cole’s face. “Um that’s not where I thought you were going but ok. Yeah, there have been … um, you know, women. There was a woman I saw a while back.” Cole paused. “Her name was Max. But she’s gone now. And that ended a long time ago anyway.” His eyes met hers. “Why do you ask?”
“I just always wondered. You have seen so much of my life. I don’t really know about yours.”
“Well there hasn’t been much in my life that I’d want you to see, Cassie. All the things that are worth doing, I’ve done here. With you.”
A lump formed in her throat. Her mind flashed to them dancing at the museum. The nervous look on his face. They way it felt to have his hands on her body, to be that close. How many times since had she sat alone in the bookstore listening to “These Arms of Mine,” with a whiskey in hand, wondering if she would ever see him again? Before his return, it had become her ritual of remembering him. Longing for him.
Cole set his glass down and it interrupted her thoughts. “My turn. What were you like as a kid? It’s only fair. You already met me as one.” They laughed together at the absurdity.
Cassie thought for a moment. “Well, I was pretty serious. Always wanted to be a doctor. I danced ballet until I was old enough to quit -- not every caterpillar becomes a butterfly I guess. Kind of thought I had it all figured out. My grandparents owned that bookstore and my mom was a psychologist. So they fed me books and my mom was always talking about art and writing. I thought that was boring and usually was trying to dissect something gross. Looking back, it was important— seeing her like that, being a professional woman. I just assumed that’s what women could do. She was kind of my hero. I’m sure that seems silly coming from where you come from.”
“No it doesn’t. Sometimes you can’t figure out who you want to be until someone else shows you.”
The way he was looking at her made Cassie feel like there was more to that, but she wouldn’t allow herself to take the bait. Instead, she finished her whiskey and poured them another.
“It’s going to be that kind of night, huh?”
“Yeah, I think so” she answered. “We’ve earned it. And, for once, you have no place to be.”
Cole chuckled and tipped his glass to her before taking a sip.
“Ok, Cole, I’m up. If there wasn’t all of this ,” she waved generally around them, “and you could go anywhere right now, where would you go?”
“Ah, good question. Well, I really liked that museum. I wish I could see more things like that. Beautiful things, you know? Things that people made before they were worried about what they were going to eat next. But, if I could go anywhere tomorrow, I guess I would really like to see the ocean.”
“The Keys,” she said softly. Their eyes met.
“Yeah, The Keys.”
They were quiet for a moment.
“Where’s your favorite place that you’ve been?”
“Me? Hmmm. Well, once I started working I didn’t take a lot of time for vacation. My residency, fellowship and practice didn’t leave a lot of time for that. Oh well!” She grimaced slightly and took another large gulp. “But I travelled a lot between college and med school backpacking in Europe....”
Cole looked confused. “Backpacking?”
“Yeah, like, you pack a backpack and kind of hop around all over from country to country, and you kinda don’t know where you are going next.”
“Huh.”
She giggled at his confoundment. The whiskey was starting to make her feel a little lightheaded.
“So you were a scav? That’s basically what you are saying? For fun?”
“Ha. Well when you put it that way. No, I mean I had a plan. But it was probably the time in my life when I least had a plan, if that makes sense. Anyway, I loved London. I loved all of its history, the pubs and markets, the secret gardens tucked away that you would miss if you weren’t paying attention. I wandered around London a lot.”
Cole looked at her wistfully. “I would’ve liked to have wandered around a beautiful place like that. With you.”
Cassie looked up at him, surprised. His glass was empty and he was looking at her in a way that made her stop breathing. He was so open and vulnerable that she felt her heart swell. All of a sudden she couldn’t hold it in anymore.
“I was so afraid that I was going to lose you yesterday.”
Cole absorbed that for a moment. Then he shifted his chair closer.
“Thank you for everything that you did. If it weren’t for you, I never would’ve made it. I know what a pain in the ass Jones can be.”
Cassie nodded but she couldn’t speak. She could feel tears pricking and she was desperately trying to keep them at bay. She blinked her eyes rapidly and looked up, but it was no use. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m like this all of a sudden. Maybe it’s the whiskey or....”
Cole’s hands took both of hers in his. “Hey, I’m here. I’m here. And for the first time, I’m not going anywhere. You and me, we’re in this together.” He looked deeply into her eyes. “Whatever comes.”
His voice was soft and low. It stirred something deep within her. He was so close, she could feel his warm breath on her skin as he made that solemn promise. Cassie felt like she was being pulled under by a current.
She leaned forward and whispered, “Here’s something else that you don’t know about me. I used to hate it when you’d go.”
Cole swallowed hard at that but didn’t answer. The narrow space between them felt charged. Cassie lowered her eyes to his lips. She could just do it. Right now. She wanted to, desperately. For a moment, Cole leaned almost imperceptibly forward. It was so quiet that Cassie could hear the second hand ticking on her wristwatch.
There was a knock at the door. Their heads both snapped in its direction. Cole rasped, “Get in the bathroom. Now.”
Cassie hurried to the bathroom and left the door slightly ajar to monitor what was happening. She exhaled. It was only someone from the front desk. She could hear them apologizing about something and watched as Cole’s shoulders relaxed and he nodded his head.
As the adrenaline left her body, her hands began to shake and her legs felt as if they were going to give way. She gripped the sink for balance. What are we doing? It felt like they were caught in some unspoken dance around what they were feeling.
When Cole was lying on that bed yesterday, close to death, Cassie had been confronted with the new reality that she didn’t want her life to be without him. She loved him. She knew that now. It wasn’t just the mission, it was him. It was confusing and impossible and messy. She had only closed the door on Aaron yesterday. The two of them always felt like a choice between two lives — who she used to be and who she was becoming. And as familiar and safe as Aaron felt, the pull she felt around Cole was beyond reason. It just was. But until today, she never knew when the lights would flicker and he’d be gone. What sense did it make to let him know how she felt if she never knew if she’d see him again?
But now he was here, for good. They suddenly had time. It made it both easier and harder all at once. Cassie reveled in just being with him. It wasn’t just the whiskey that was making her feel lightheaded, she knew that deep down. It was being around him . And yet their situation was still impossible. They were facing either a pandemic in which she would die in a matter of months or time would be reset. And he would be that little boy.
Cassie looked up at the mirror. Her cheeks were flushed. She wanted him. No question. She wanted to walk back out there and do everything she had ever thought about as she laid in bed next to Aaron. She felt a flash of guilt. If she were honest with herself, she had been thinking about that far longer than had been fair to him.
But it’s the losing that haunts us. She clenched her hand into a fist. Those were the words she had heard her father say to her grandfather on the day of her mother’s funeral. She had been in the hallway at their home after the service. Cassie has wandered upstairs from the reception to escape the endless pitying looks. She stopped short at the sound of her father sobbing and had peered into the room. Their backs were to her and her grandfather had one arm around her father. Her father was crying, his head in his hands. She had never seen an adult like that before. And while she couldn’t make sense out of everything that he was saying through his grief, she had never forgotten those words.
She stared at herself hard in the mirror. This cannot happen. At best they’d have a few months. What was the point? It would only make this worse. And as it was, her heart was clamoring to launch headfirst into the abyss. And that’s what it would be. Once she started with him, she knew it would never stop. And it would never be enough. A sob ripped through her chest and she hurried to turn on the faucet to mask the sound.
Cassie bent down and splashed some cold water on her face. She breathed in and out until her heart steadied. She was making the right choice no matter how much her heart was breaking. If she felt like this now it would only get worse. And even if there was hope for the world, there was no hope for them. She dried her face & smoothed her hair. Assessing herself in the mirror she figured that there would be zero chance that he wouldn’t notice that she had been crying. But she couldn't hide in there forever. Cassie took a deep breath and steeled herself as she walked back into the room.
Cole clocked her state immediately and looked at her quizzically. Rather than answer the question that she knew he was asking, she avoided his eyes and sat down on the bed. “Everything ok with the hotel?”
He gave her a look. She wasn’t going to avoid the subject for long. “Uh yeah, they came to apologize for the mix up with the bed and offered a complimentary breakfast. Man, the way people just give away food here is amazing.”
Cassie forced herself to give his half hearted joke a cursory laugh. It did not escape his notice. Cole took a step closer. “May I?” He gestured toward the bed.
“Of course.”
Cole sat down next to her. She could feel his arm touching her arm; his leg grazing hers. It was comforting and welcome. But also dangerous. Cassie dug her fingers into the mattress bracing herself for what she knew they were about to discuss.
“Cassie, what’s going on?”
“Nothing, it’s just been a long two days. And for the first time in my life, I don’t even have a place to live. And we are taking on those bastards alone and without the benefit of any foresight. It all just hit me at once, I guess. ” Also, I love you and there is no way that we can be together because the world is ending and even if we can stop it, then you will be a ten year old boy. Who I just met.
“I’m so sorry Cassie. I feel like I ruined your life,” his voice broke a little as he confessed that to her, eyes forward. “I did ruin your life.”
His guilt was too much to bear. Cassie reached up and slid her hand along his jaw. His beard was rough under her hand. She drew his face to hers so that she could make sure he really heard her. “Cole, you didn’t ruin my life. I gave you this mission, remember? I gave you that note to find Jones-- the future me or whatever you call it. I chose to meet you at that hotel. And long as there is something that we can do to stop them, this is my fight as much as yours. I spent my whole life studying and fighting diseases. How could I not be in this with you? Despite everything, I am so grateful that you came into my life, Cole.”
Cole absorbed her words silently, his eyes searching hers. He was asking her something that she would not allow herself to give him. “Cassie…” he whispered. His eyes flickered down to her lips. She knew what would happen next if she just leaned in. Cassie pictured how his lips would feel against hers. What it would feel like to taste him, to run her hands through his hair, to pull him down with her onto this bed. To be with him, here and now, while they could be. God she wanted to give in.
“James, I…” She could see the effect that had on Cole; calling him by his given name. It pulled him in even closer. His lips parted. Her other hand slid of its own free will up his chest.
She was struggling to keep her unruly heart in check. Her thoughts were a riot inside her head. Cassandra Railly had never felt more at war with herself then she did in this moment. She closed her eyes and forced herself to say it.
“I think we should get some rest. We have to be in DC in 8 hours.” She dropped her hands to her side.
Her decision was met with a heavy silence. When she opened her eyes again, Cole was staring at the ground.
“Right,” he nodded slowly as if in a daze. “Yeah...you’re right.” He stood up and started to move away from the bed. She instinctively grabbed his arm.
“Cole, please don’t sleep on the floor. You’re still recovering.”
“Cassie, really it’s ok and I think it’s better if I--”
“I want you to. Please. I will feel better if you’re close.” The tears threatened again as she looked up at him. This man was everything. She had walked away from her life as she knew it, for him. Even if she couldn’t let herself be what she wanted to him, Cassie still needed him.
Cole nodded his assent. As he did, his eyes were filled with such love that she feared her heart would shatter. There was no disappointment or frustration. It made her love him even more. Then he walked over to the other side of the bed, shut off the lamp, and laid down. His frame stretched out next to her, facing the ceiling.
Cassie looked back at him and their eyes met. She felt an ache in her chest, a yearning to be close to him. In silence, Cassie shifted back and laid her head on his chest. She felt him stiffen for a moment and then his arm pulled her in close. She breathed in his shirt and felt more at peace than she had in months. If only the world could stop and just let them be this. It was exactly where she was supposed to be -- all that she wanted and yet nothing that she could ever have.
They lay there together in silence. As if one word could break the spell of this moment that they had found together. Cassie felt his chest rising and falling under her cheek. She could hear his heartbeat, steady and sure.
Finally, he spoke. “Cassie,” he whispered into the darkness, “I hated it too. Leaving you. Every time.”
Her arm encircled his chest and she pulled him in even closer. A tear slid down her cheek as she held onto James Cole as tightly as she could.
*****