Chapter Text
The effect of the alcohol was leaving him, and though his heart had still felt heavy while the booze clouded his mind, although the sadness, bitterness, and pain hadn’t left him since they lost the prison that was their home, now it started to grow even more, to become unbearable again, as if someone was ripping his heart, as if he could drown in pain.
Daryl welcomed it, though. That’s how he should feel, he didn’t deserve any relief from it, not after losing his home, his family, his wife, without him doing anything to stop it.
Beth had fallen asleep there on the porch of the tattered cabin, drunk. It was the girl’s fault that he was drunk too, she hadn’t stopped until he’d found them booze.
He’d been a prick to her, he knew, but it seemed Beth didn’t hold it against him. He just hadn’t been able to hear her talk like that anymore, like if their family might be alive, somewhere, like they weren’t dead, like she hadn’t seen her own father beheaded in front of her, talking about tracking them, about how he could find Y/N, it felt like too much.
Y/N.
She was gone, he knew she was. Even if Beth was right, even if she might have been able to run away from the prison too, he wouldn’t see her ever again. How was he going to find her? He couldn’t just track her and the others like that, it didn’t work that way, no matter what Beth believed. Either way, Y/N was gone, and probably dead. He left his wife die. He had lost the Governor when tracking him down, had stopped searching for him, and then he’d come back, destroyed his home, killed his people. He’d lost Y/N.
Daryl bit his lip to stifle a whimper, rubbing his eyes furiously, ashamed, he didn’t want Beth to wake up and see him like that again, but he couldn’t help it, he felt nauseous, he felt as if his heart were being ripped out of his chest and devoured by walkers.
Rick was gone too, he had gone out to try and talk with the Governor, even though Daryl had known that wouldn’t work, and when the shooting started Daryl hadn’t seen him anymore, he didn’t know if he’d been killed. Carl…he had given the kid one of the riffles, but he’d lost him too during the shooting.
Judith…he didn’t even know where she had been, with the other kids, he guessed, he thought the kids had gone to the bus but he wasn’t sure, maybe the baby was gone too, maybe all them were…
Daryl couldn’t take it anymore and he rushed onto his feet and stumbled a few steps away from the porch before throwing up. He stumbled back to the porch, flopped down again, reached for the jar of moonshine, swallowing greedily the few drops that were left inside, begging for it to make him numb, he couldn’t deal with this anymore, he didn’t want to feel anymore…
Y/N… She’d be so upset seeing him drunk like this. She never drank. He hadn’t drunk during all their time together. But he didn’t feel like he could be sober anymore.
Y/N…
He met her at the quarry…but they didn’t get along back then, damn, he didn’t get along with anybody of his group back then.
He hadn’t talked much with her back then anyway, though she had, a couple of times, showed interest in tracking and hunting, asking him about it, as she seemed eager to learn anything useful to surviving, which he’d respected. He’d tried, told her a few things, showed her a couple, but he hadn’t been sure of how to act around her, and it had ended up in them arguing kind of often.
Besides, her arguments with his brother made her soon stop asking anything to him too. Daryl knew Y/N couldn’t stand his brother, and in his eyes, back then it’d been enough for him to be annoyed by her. She’d snapped every time Merle said something racist, sexist or homophobic, arguing with him every time that he was…himself.
Daryl knew most of his brother’s words had been his own too, though, no matter he was ashamed, and Y/N had barked back at him quite often too. He didn’t know how she’d ever given him a chance.
He still didn’t know, either, why he had decided to talk with her that night at the CDC, or why she had decided to talk to him either. That was their first real conversation, he thought, besides some words at the quarry and those times he’d harshly explained to her something about tracking and hunting…
Then…
He wasn’t drunk, not really, not yet, but drunker than in a long while. That CDC place was strange, he didn’t like being under the ground, no sunlight, nothing, and the doctor…he didn’t like him either, couldn’t put his finger on why, though.
But he had given them rooms with beds, showers with hot water, more food than Daryl had seen in he didn’t know how long, and even booze…couldn’t complain.
He felt content, somehow, thanks to the alcohol, he knew. He even had fun with the people of the group, laughing at Glenn, the kid couldn’t handle his alcohol for shit. Rick…he was never gonna forgive what he did to Merle, but maybe the man could be worse. He’d proved he could handle himself in Atlanta, when he went with him to search for his brother, and he’d been right about the CDC.
Everyone had gone to sleep already, and Daryl was just silently wandering around, exploring the place, trying to see if there was something that didn’t feel right. He was still carrying a bottle of booze on his hand, taking sips from time to time.
He took a turn to go back to the showers, finding an illuminated corridor among the dark ones, and he bumped into Y/N, who was sat down there on the floor, engrossed on a book.
“The hell you doing on the floor?”
Y/N jumped a bit, seeming taken by surprise. “Oh…” She looked up from her book, finding him there. “Reading…this place has a big library and I had read all the books we have, I’m going to take advantage of it, I’m going to like, read a book a day.” She smiled, and Daryl wondered how drunk he was, but hell, that was a pretty smile she had. “I’m sharing a room with Andrea and I don’t want to bother her with the light…besides she’s puking her guts out, and she’s so sad, I don’t know how to help, but it’s like she doesn’t want me near…”
“She lost her sister…” Daryl shrugged, trying not to think on his brother, but it was too late, and there it was, pain and sadness gripping his heart. “Ain’t nothing you can do to help.”
“Yeah…” Y/N let out a sigh, looking down, before looking at him again, chewing on her lip. “How are you?” Daryl just frowned at her question, taken aback. “I mean…Merle…”
She trailed off, but Daryl knew what she meant, and he felt agitated. “I know you are glad he’s not here,” he snapped.
“Daryl…yeah, your brother and I…you know what I thought of him. But I don’t I wish to anyone to go through what you’re going, to lose a brother like that…”
Daryl squinted at her, he couldn’t believe or trust her words that easily, he did know what she thought about his brother, and about himself too, but she seemed genuine, like maybe she actually meant it…Daryl didn’t know what to think.
“He ain’t dead, tho.” He muttered, even though he couldn’t shake the fear that maybe Merle was, indeed, dead, and that even if he wasn’t, he seemed pretty much lost to him, that he wouldn’t ever see his brother again, and that he was all alone in the world now.
It was too much, it felt like a bolt to the heart, it felt too overwhelming, and so he took a big gulp of booze. He looked at Y/N and offered her the bottle.
“No, thanks.” She shook her head. “I don’t drink.”
“Seriously?” Daryl scoffed, arching an eyebrow. “The world ended and you wanna stay sober?”
Y/N chuckled, but Daryl thought she looked sad. “I made a bow to never drink again. My best friend was driving one evening when she was rammed by a drunk truck driver, she ended but with brain damage, fought like hell, but in the end, she passed…” She said quietly, swallowing hard as her eyes got wet.
“Shit…” Daryl just looked at her, he didn’t know what to do or what to say. It seemed as if Y/N noticed, and she gave him a sad smile.
“It’s okay, you can drink.” She shrugged, and Daryl still didn’t know what to say or do.
“It ain’t like we can kill people by driving drunk anymore…” He said awkwardly, and it sounded even more stupid now that he said it aloud than in his head, and it had sounded stupid enough, why did he have to say anything, but everything was so awkward…
Y/N just chuckled again. “I don’t know…if we all get shit drunk and take the cars, I bet nothing good is gonna happen… and you, with that bike of your brother and no helmet, that’s not safe even sober.
“I ain’t gonna crash the bike, not even shit drunk.” Daryl scoffed. “And I know no one gives a damn shit if I kill myself.”
“Daryl! Don’t say stuff like that!” Y/N chastised, much to his surprise.
“What, it’s true…” Daryl shrugged, defensive.
“It’s not. Yeah, you are an asshole, not as big as your brother, but damn, you try,” Y/N smiled softly and Daryl didn’t know if take offense or not. “But, you’re a great tracker and hunter, a great survivor, you got lots of skills, whether they like you or not, you’re the most useful of us, probably.”
Okay…okay, he was blushing now, why would she say shit like that…Daryl wondered if she meant it, for real, why the hell did she think like that of him.
“And…asshole or not, I don’t want you to die. I don’t think anybody does. And I don’t know, I’ve been stuck for a while with you now, prick or not, I’d be kind of bummed if you die now.” She shrugged, giving him another small smile, and Daryl scoffed, but couldn’t help his own small smile, feeling…weird, he didn’t know how he felt, but it was kind of weird.
Daryl didn’t know why, but he found himself sitting down beside her, resting his back against the wall as he took another gulp of booze. He was starting to actually feel the effect of it in the wrong way, getting tired and kind of numb.
Y/N didn’t seem to mind his company, she didn’t say anything, just went back to his book, and Daryl found himself peeking at it. Y/N still didn’t say anything, but Daryl noticed her angling the book so it were easier for him to read.
He didn’t talk again with her until they were out of the CDC and on the road again, after that insane doctor almost blew them all up. They had been holed up in a warehouse, and as Daryl had looked around, everyone seemed defeated…
Y/N was sat down on the ground, hugging her knees, playing with a loose thread of her trousers. Daryl approached her, chewing on his lip, feeling nervous.
“Uh…there…” He muttered, dropping some books from his bag next to her.
“What’s this?” Y/N looked at him surprised.
“I…uh…when things got weird and we packed our stuff, when we were going to leave the CDC before knowing that the guy wanted to blow us up…I walked past the library, and I had space in my bag, and I remembered you said you wanted to read the books, figured more people might want too…so I picked up some,” Daryl explained, feeling like an idiot, he didn’t know why he had done it. “Didn’t know which ones you liked or nothing…” He shrugged.
“That’s…” Y/N blinked at him and Daryl looked away, embarrassed and nervous. “Woah…I didn’t expect…I…Thank you, Daryl, thank you so much. This is so thoughtful and so great, thank you, Daryl, I’m so happy I can read a book now when everything feels like shit, I’m sure everyone else will appreciate it too, seriously. I don’t know how to thank you.”
“Stop it, ain’t nothing.” Daryl couldn’t help but feel more embarrassed, even though when he looked at Y/N she was grinning. He wasn’t drunk now, but her smile still was quite pretty…Daryl nodded at her and rushed away.
*
They were still on the road when Y/N began talking to him more, as she approached him some times to tell him about the book she was reading, making him nervous and awkward, he couldn’t help it. However, she picked his interest, to the point he began reading the same book too when she wasn’t reading it. He didn’t tell her, but she found out anyway and she seemed delighted to have someone to talk to about the plot, the characters and whatnot, even if he was awkward, even if he didn’t say much, she didn’t seem to mind…and on his side, Daryl found he actually didn’t mind to listen to her talking.
Things changed when Sophia got lost. If the spirits had been low already, now they were even more. Daryl did all he could to find her, yet he couldn’t even find her trail, not that he would stop.
There was no time for reading anymore, neither his brain could focus on it, he’d only Sophia in his mind. However, a couple of days after he began looking for Sophia, Y/N had approached him and sat down next to him, book in hand, seeming nervous and unsure, and Daryl didn’t know what was going on, until she began reading the book aloud, right from the part in which he had left it.
Daryl was confused, he didn’t know what to think, but he found he didn’t mind it…and as she did it again the next day, and the next, and the next, he found maybe he actually liked it.
He liked to hear her speak, he liked her voice, he liked to hear her reading, it helped him calm down, it eased his mind, stopping it from razing with a thousand unhelpful thoughts about Sophia, helped him to feel almost at ease. He didn’t know how to tell her, though…and it also scared him.
She worried about Sophia too, he knew. He had seen her crying quietly a couple of times, hiding from everyone, thinking nobody was around. Daryl never said anything.
She kept reading to him after his accident, after he almost died, and Daryl even got to think that it might be the only thing keeping him sane when he was sick of being bedridden, unable to look for Sophia.
And then, when they found that the little girl was dead, when he pushed everyone away from him, tried to go back on his own again…Daryl had found he missed Y/N.
He had wondered if that meant they were friends…he hadn’t known how that made him feel…scared, but good too, but nervous…
Not much later, they had lost the farm and were forced to hit the road once again. It’d taken them almost a week to finally find a place with a roof to stay, finding and clearing a warehouse.
A week after that, Daryl had been taking watch, when Y/N had approached him…
She was carrying a book and a plate with food, nudging him with it as she sat down next to him.
“I saw you, you can’t keep giving most of your food to everyone else and go hungry.”
“Ain’t hungry…” Daryl lied, if he wanted to eat then he should have been able to hunt more. Y/N gave him a stern look, nudging him with the plate again, and Daryl gave up, taking it and eating.
“Do you mind if I read aloud?” Y/N asked and Daryl shook his head, he didn’t mind, he actually welcomed it, he looked forwards to it, to hear her voice reading, easing his mind.
It wasn’t even just her reading anymore, he looked forwards to just hearing her talk, telling him stuff, even if he usually didn’t have much to say back to her, he liked to listen to what she had to say, and he liked that no matter what she smiled to him.
It made him nervous, though, that he liked all that about her, the way she made him feel, sometimes he felt like running away from her, but he was never able to do so.
“I was thinking…” Y/N began, instead of reading. “That maybe you could read to me too?”
Daryl frowned at her, taken aback. “Really?”
“I mean…if you don’t mind…but it’s okay if you don’t want to.” Y/N shrugged, seeming shy.
“No, I don’t mind…” He was surprised she was asking, though, but then Y/N was smiling at him and everything felt better.
“We could take turns, maybe, you read to me one day and then I read to you the next day, while we take watch.” She grinned, and Daryl found himself smiling back.
“Okay.”
*
Months passed, and it was not only reading anymore. They still read to each other almost every day, but every day it was less reading and more just talking about anything and everything, their thoughts and worries, their life now and before, and each day Daryl found himself talking a little bit more.
He still preferred to listen to Y/N than to talk himself, though, he liked listening to what she had to say, he liked it when she shared things about her, and he liked the sound of her voice.
At some point, he found himself wondering if he’d fallen for her. It was a sudden thought that made him panic, but that seemed true, if he thought about it.
He found his mind wandering to her when she was not around him, he sought her company, the world felt less awful when she was talking to him or just next to him, she always managed to ease his mind, and when she smiled to him, which he always tried to get her to do, he couldn’t help his own smile as he felt weird twirls in his stomach.
So, yes, maybe he had fallen for her and he didn’t know what to do about it…
A few days after that realization hit him, Daryl was sat down on the ground, listening to Y/N as she told him about the last run she’d gone, along with Maggie, Glenn, and T-Dog, while Daryl stayed back hunting, they’d needed food urgently. He didn’t like it when Y/N went on runs and he wasn’t around, since he always found himself thinking and worrying about her, but as time passed, she got better and better at it and at fighting walkers, and so he could more or less relax, even though that worry at the back of his mind wouldn’t leave him.
He wasn’t really listening to her at that moment, though, mostly hearing her, because his mind had gotten distracted once again by the realization that he’d fallen for her and that he had no idea of what to do about it.
It was only getting worse, though, day by day his mind wandered more and more to her, the twirls in his belly would get worse, and when she was around, more often than not he’d get caught on his own mind, he’d turn flustered around her, even clumsy…someone was bound to notice it, if they hadn’t already, Y/N herself had probably noticed it, and it embarrassed Daryl to no end, but he couldn’t stop it.
Daryl still didn’t know what to do about it, though. Sometimes he felt like running away. Other times he felt like trying to put distance between Y/N and him, but he couldn’t get himself to do so, not with her smiling at him, he was drawn to her and he couldn’t help it. Other times he felt like just clinging to her and never letting go, but he’d never dare, and the thought of him feeling like that embarrassed him.
What the hell was he going to do.
Y/N cared for him, it seemed she liked to spend time with him and talk to him, she was nice to him, but that didn’t mean she would want something else with him.
Even if she might give him a chance, somehow, Daryl didn’t know how that would work, he didn’t even know himself what he wanted. He wanted to be around her, he wanted them to talk, he wanted to listen to her, he wanted to make sure she was alright, he wanted her to smile and be happy…
But did he want their relationship to change, in a way? He wasn’t sure…but not really…the idea of a relationship made him nervous, not that he had much experience with those, or any, but he didn’t want what he had with Y/N to change…maybe even get spoiled and lose it…no, he didn’t want their relationship to change.
Did he?
He wasn’t sure…maybe…maybe it could still be the same, their relationship didn’t really need to change…but maybe he could hug her, or hold her hand, or something.
Sometimes, when they were sat down together or patrolling next to each other, sometimes he felt like reaching for her, to touch her, place his hand on the small of her back as she walked through a rocky path, hold her hand while they speak, even wrap his arm around her as they sat down together, comfort her when he felt she needed it…he never dared to do that, though, sneaking just some light touches, like a hand briefly on her shoulder. Y/N did the same to him, sometimes, more often than him, and he craved her touch even though it sent electricity through him, even if it made the twirls in his belly go crazy, even if he never dared to ask for it.
Damn, he really didn’t know what to do.
Sometimes, though, he’d look at Glenn and Maggie, and he’d wonder if he could have with Y/N something similar to what they had…he’d never given it much thought, and now he wondered if it was possible, if he even longed for it…still, he wasn’t sure, it still made him nervous…but he gotta admit, the idea didn’t feel bad…
Sometimes Daryl thought about Y/N having with someone else what Glenn and Maggie had together, and it felt like a kick to the gut. Still, she hadn’t seemed interested like that in anyone from their group, she spent most of her time with him, and in the apocalypse, it wasn’t like they had many chances to meet new people, so maybe he didn’t have to worry about it, about Y/N stepping away from him after finding someone she wanted to be with, leaving him and what they had… He felt like an ass thinking like that, not wanting Y/N to find someone, but he couldn’t help it…
Still…did he want to have with her what Glenn and Maggie had? Sometimes he felt like he didn’t want anything to change, but others he found himself daydreaming, Y/N on his mind, longing for it, no matter it embarrassed him.
He wasn’t sure what Y/N might think, either, if she knew what was in his mind, if she’d give him a chance or if he’d make things between them weird, losing what they had. He didn’t know how to bring it up, didn’t dare either, didn’t know if there was anything he could do to have Y/N maybe considering it…maybe things between them should stay as they were…
“Daryl, are you even listening?” The change on Y/N’s voice as she stopped reading to ask him a question took him out of his thoughts.
“Wha-yeah,” he lied but Y/N arched an eyebrow at him, as if she didn’t believe him. “I’m sorry…” He apologized sheepishly, blushing.
“It’s okay…” Y/N nudged him with her shoulder, which just made him more flustered. “Just tell me what’s on your mind.”
“Nothing…” Daryl knew Y/N wouldn’t believe him, though. “Just…same old.” He hated to lie to her, the words tasted bad in his mouth, but he couldn’t tell her where his thoughts had gone. Y/N just hummed, and as Daryl heard Maggie giggling, he couldn’t help his eyes from wandering to them again, and Y/N noticed.
“Yeah…they like to rub their happiness and perfect relationship in front of everyone, don’t they?” Y/N joked and Daryl nodded.
“It’s good that they’re happy, though…” He said quietly, and he meant it, even if it gave him all kinds of weird thoughts and ideas, like him maybe wanting something like that, maybe with the woman sitting down next to him.
“Yeah…” She let out a sigh, and the way in which she looked at Maggie and Glenn made Daryl wonder if she might want something like that too…
“Aren’t you happy?” He found himself asking.
“I’m…as happy as you can be in this world, I guess.” Y/N shrugged, and Daryl didn’t know what to think of that. He wanted her to be happy.
“But you want to be happy like they are?” He said quietly, anxious all of a sudden.
Y/N just shrugged again, but she smiled softly, looking at him. “Don’t we all?” Daryl didn’t know what to say, and the way in which Y/N was looking at him was making him nervous and making him feel things all over again…yes, yes he wanted it, but he not just wanted it, he wanted it with her…he didn’t know how to tell her, didn’t dare to, didn’t know how…and that urge to touch her was back, he wanted to reach for her no matter he didn’t dare to…
Y/N chewed on her lip, and then looked away from him, taking the book again. “You better to listen to me, I’m not explaining the plot to you if you get lost…”