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Ian Gallagher had a problem with insecurity, and he knew it.
It had started when he was a young teenager, getting into the gay club scene, and screwing married guys twice his age. At the time it made Ian feel impowered, making these men choose him over their wives, but that was a dwindling satisfaction when Ian soon came to realize that he was the one getting played. They’d cast him away when they were done using him, and Ian was left to pick up the pieces, wondering what the hell he did wrong.
It would be worse when the wives found out. They’d scream and cry, making Ian feel awful because it was his fault. He never meant to hurt anybody. Though, as the years went on, Ian began to understand that he was getting hurt too. All those years as someone’s dirty little secret, and also hiding his own, got to him in a way he couldn’t explain. It caused his self-worth to diminish. It caused him to go into a manic episode, which came with a label to permanently be slapped across his forehead, the same label as his mother, bipolar disorder. It caused him to collapse in his sister’s arms one night in the middle of the kitchen floor, confessing everything to her. Worst of all, it caused him to keep people at arm’s length, especially people he intended to date. That was, of course, until Mickey.
Mickey Milkovich was Ian’s boyfriend of three years. They’d started dating during Ian’s freshman year of college and had been inseparable ever since. Mickey wasn’t like the men Ian used to be with, he was different. How Mickey looked, with his jet-black hair and piercing blue eyes, and his knuckle tats. How he spoke, which was rugged and sharp. Sometimes offensive, but always to the point. The way he carried himself, with aggressive confidence, but only the people close to him got to see his soft side. He was a kid from the streets, Southside through and through, but under all of it was a gentle guy, with a fucked-up past. Just like Ian.
The best thing about Mickey, was that he was always upfront with Ian. He never lied to him, which was important. Trust was so important, and Mickey felt the same way. The more they trusted each other, the more they opened up. Ian told Mickey everything, even about the bipolar disorder, the married men from his youth, and the insecurity that came along with it. Mickey, in turn, told Ian about his abusive father, and the strangers he’d let have their way with him in the back of alleyways. He told Ian about the years of internalized homophobia. They knew everything about each other. They trusted each other. They loved each other. Or, so Ian thought.
It had happened on Monday. Ian had woken up alone in Mickey’s small twin sized bed. He pressed his nose into the pillow, inhaling his lover’s scent, and smiled. He could hear the distant sound of the showers going across the hall and assumed that’s where Mickey was.
As Ian slowly started waking up more and more, another noise brought him out of his thoughts. It was the vibrating sound of his phone going off. Ian lazily reached for his phone, grabbing it, and propping himself up on his elbow, opening his eyes to check and see who called. Though a few short seconds of staring at the screen, he finally realized he grabbed Mickey’s phone instead of his own. With a small chuckle, Ian went to set it down, when a text popped up from an unknown number.
‘Hey, I got what you need. Come by my place later.’
Ian was now very awake. He read the text over and over again. Who was this person texting his boyfriend? And why did Mickey need to go to their place later? A small panic started to arise in Ian, but he soon pushed it down. He needed to think rationally about this. This could be some guy selling Mickey something. It could be a classmate letting Mickey borrow notes. There was no reason for Ian to be suspicious. It was Mickey. His Mickey. There was nothing to worry about.
Ian took a deep breath to calm himself and set Mickey’s phone back down on the nightstand. He then picked up his own phone and saw about ten texts from Mandy, asking him where he was, and if he knew they had a study group session this morning? Ian checked the time and saw he was about thirty minutes late.
“Shit,” he groaned, and then sent a quick text to Mandy, saying he was on his way. As he finished the text, he heard the door swing open to reveal Mickey, his hair wet from his shower.
Mickey grinned at him, “Morning, Gallagher.”
“Morning, Mick-mphf,” Ian was soon cut off by Mickey’s lips on his own. He sighed contently as he laid back down and let Mickey slot himself between his legs. Morning make out sessions were the best. Something that would start off sweet, but by the end had both boys lazily going at it, usually resulting in one or both being late for class.
Ian wanted to keep going, but he thought about Mandy, and fuck he was already late. So, Ian pushed Mickey off him, trying to get out of his boyfriend’s grip.
Mickey raised an eyebrow at him, “What?”
“No sex this morning.”
“What? Why?”
“I promised your sister a study sesh for the Psych test tomorrow.”
Mickey groaned, “Who fucking needs to study for Psychology? It’s all hippie ‘talk about your feelings’ shit, anyway.”
Ian snorted out a laugh, “I still need to pass the course to graduate. Besides, I’m pretty sure you need to get to a Business Ethics class. Also, you just took a shower.”
Mickey shrugged, “I can be a little late, and you know I don’t mind getting dirty,” he winked.
“Fuck off,” Ian laughed, “We can bang later. I really need to get to the library.”
Mickey sat up and huffed, “Fine. My bitch sister ruins everything.”
Ian rolled his eyes as he got out of bed. When he started putting on clothes, he noticed Mickey checking his phone. When he saw Mickey’s eyes light up, Ian felt his heart sink. That wasn’t the face of someone who was just buying something or picking up notes for class. He watched Mickey hastily text back a reply, before he said, “Good news?”
“Hm?”
“Your phone. How you were smiling at, must have been something good.”
Mickey nodded, “My professor just posted our latest exam scores. Got an A.”
Ian felt a chill run up his spine, because Mickey just lied to him, right to his face. And he did it so easily.
“Hey, you ok?”
Ian snapped out of his heartbroken daze and said, “Yeah.”
Mickey scooted off the bed, and gravitated closer to Ian, “You sure?”
For the first time Ian had known Mickey, he wanted to back away. He didn’t want Mickey to touch him, but he stayed still anyway, trying to calm the rapid thoughts forming in his head, “I need to take my meds,” Ian said quickly, an idea coming to him, “Mind grabbing me something to eat from the vending machine.”
Mickey nodded, “Sure, or course,” and he grabbed his wallet off his computer desk, before going into the hallway.
Ian tried not to think about how endearing and caring Mickey was when it came to his disorder, as he made his way over to Mickey’s phone. It may have been wrong, but something was going on, and Ian was going to find out what it was.
He quickly opened Mickey’s phone, and luckily it was still on his text conversation. Ian read over it, and his heart stopped suddenly.
‘Hey, I got what you need. Come by my place later.’
‘Sure. What time?’
‘Whatever time works for you.’
‘Fine. How about nine pm?’
‘Little late, don’t you think?’
‘My boyfriend’s working then. Can’t have him getting suspicious.’
‘Riiight. Ok, see you then.’
‘See ya.’
Ian tossed the phone back on the nightstand, feeling as if he were being weighed down by ten-ton bricks. Was Mickey cheating on him? Oh, god, what if Mickey was cheating on him?
“Hey, they only had blueberry muffins, but I also snagged a banana from the RA’s room,” Mickey said, but then stopped when he saw the state Ian was in, “Hey, man, you ok? Really, you’re starting to freak me out.”
Ian swallowed hard and did his best to cover up his emotions. And then he did what all Gallagher’s did best. He lied, “I’m fine.”
“You look pale, Ian,” Mickey said, gently guiding Ian to sit on the bed. He handed his boyfriend the food, and then got him a water bottle out of the mini fridge, “Here, eat. I’m not leaving till you do.”
Ian sighed and started eating, while he watched Mickey grab his pills. The way Mickey took care of him. The way he treated Ian like a person, instead of his illness. His Mickey. It was hard to imagine Mickey cheating on him, but there was that voice in the back of his head. The small voice that would counter with, ‘Why wouldn’t Mickey cheat on you? You’re too needy. You’re too much of a burden. How can someone like you find love? Some Southside slut?’ It was getting louder.
“Here,” Mickey said, handing Ian his pills, “Are these still working ok? Do we need to set up an appointment to get your meds balanced back out?”
Ian shook his head, and took the pills, “I’m fine, really. I’m just a little stressed with the workload this semester.”
“Tell me if it gets to be too much,” Mickey said.
“I will,” Ian said, finishing off the food Mickey had given him, “You worry too much about me. You need to get to class.”
Mickey laughed, “Hard not to worry, Gallagher. You’re all I think about.”
Ian didn’t know what it was. The way Mickey said his name, or the way he looked at Ian, but it caused the redhead to surge toward Mickey and kiss him with everything he had.
Mickey moaned and grabbed Ian’s ass, pulling him closer.
“I love you, Mick,” Ian whispered against his boyfriend’s lips.
“Love you too, Firecrotch,” Mickey said, before stepping away.
Ian watched silently as Mickey gave him a wink, and then leave out the door. He sat there a moment, thinking about the idea of Mickey cheating on him. It was starting to get more and more absurd, until Ian came to the conclusion, that of course Mickey wasn’t cheating on him. This was all a misunderstanding, and Ian was stupid to think it in the first place.
When Ian finally made his way out the door and to the library, he was already an hour late. He let Mandy scold him, and they soon fell into their regular rhythm of studying. With Ian sitting on one end of the couch and Mandy on the other, her legs draped over his.
About an hour in, Ian was still unable to focus fully. All he could think about were those texts. He knew it was ridiculous to jump to that conclusion, but his brain wouldn’t come off it. Finally, he sighed, and looked to Mandy, who was deep in thought reading her textbook.
“Hey,” Ian said, causing Mandy to look up.
“Yeah?”
“So, I have this friend. She’s a friend from work.”
“Ok?” Mandy eyed him quizzically, “Hope you’re not trying to set me up. I happily have a girlfriend.”
Ian rolled his eyes, “Yes, I know you and Karen are the perfect couple, you two won’t let me and Mickey forget it.”
Mandy playfully punched Ian’s arm, “So this friend from work?”
“She saw this weird text on her boyfriend’s phone. He was arranging to meet up with someone specifically while she was at work, and when she confronted him, he lied about it.”
Mandy’s eyes widened, “Oh shit.”
“Yeah, she wants to know if he’s cheating.”
“Oh, he’s definitely cheating.”
“Well, she doesn’t have any solid proo-”
“Nope. Don’t need any. He’s definitely cheating on her. Why meet up when she’s not around? Why lie?”
Why lie? Yeah, Ian was wondering the same thing.
“Anyway, let’s talk about something else.”
“Like what?”
“Like what did you get Mickey for your anniversary?”
Their anniversary. Fuck, Ian forgot it was tomorrow. Luckily, Ian had already bought Mickey’s gift. It was a guitar. Mickey had been taking lessons, but it was hard when he didn’t have his own. So, Ian took extra shifts at his job at the movie theatre and he bought one at a thrift shop nearby. He got the strings replaced and bought Mickey a case and some picks. He had been so excited to give it to him. How could Ian almost forget their anniversary? Oh, yeah, because apparently Mickey was a lying, cheating, sack of shit.
Ian looked to Mandy, and realized she was still waiting for his answer, “A guitar.”
Mandy gasped, “Oh, Ian, he’ll love that.”
Ian gave Mandy a fake grin. What did it matter anymore?
When Ian and Mandy parted ways for class, Ian ducked into Mickey’s dorm. He was going to find out what the fuck was going on with his boyfriend. When he entered the room, he was startled to see Lip sitting on the bed opposite from Mickey’s.
Ian put his hand over his heart, “Fuck, Lip, what are you doing here?”
Lip raised his eyebrow, as he glanced up from his textbook, “I live here. Your boyfriend’s my roommate, remember?”
Ian rolled his eyes at his brother and shut the door. Mickey and Lip were assigned roommates ever since their Freshman year, and they never switched. Mickey liked living with Lip at first, because he was gone a lot, and Lip liked Mickey, because he stayed out of his business. Though soon the two became closer than that. Ian knew Mickey wouldn’t admit it, because he had major problems with affection, but him and Lip were best friends. They were close like brothers. So much, that Fiona, their older sister, declared Mickey a Gallagher before Ian and Mickey even started dating.
“Mickey’s not here,” he said, going back to his book.
“I know that, Lip. I have eyes,” Ian said, as he sat at Mickey’s computer, “Why are you here anyway? I thought you had class.”
“Youens was hung over and let everyone out early. Why are you here?”
“Left my laptop at Fiona’s,” he lied, “don’t want to walk all the way to the library, so I’m using Mick’s.”
“Cool,” Lip said, sounding very uninterested.
Ian made sure Lip wasn’t watching when he logged into Mickey’s email. They had both given each other their information, like email and phone passwords as a sign of trust. Ian really had to laugh about that now.
He did a quick scan of Mickey’s email and didn’t see anything interesting pop up. He was about to call a quits when he had the idea to look at Mickey’s search history. When Ian clicked through that, nothing really seemed out of the ordinary. That was until he saw searches for hotel rooms, and Ian saw red. Why the fuck was Mickey looking to book hotel rooms? Was he really going to fuck some rando in a hotel? Their anniversary was tomorrow. What the fuck?
Ian logged out of Mickey’s account and got up to leave.
“Ian, what’s wrong?”
Ian ignored his brother and stomped out of the room. Mickey Milkovich was a dead man.
A few hours later, after taking a walk around the quad, Ian calmed down. He tried rationalizing it all out, but his mind kept going to cheating. Mickey cheating. Mickey with his hands over someone else’s body. Someone with a better body. Someone better than Ian. That was it. Ian had to know what was going on with Mickey, and he was going to find out tonight.
Before his shift, Ian called in and said he was sick. They were understaffed, so for Ian to call off he’d have to get someone to cover his shift. He quickly dialed Karen’s number and hoped to god she picked up.
“Hey, Ian. What’s up?”
“Hey, Karen. I hate to ask you this but is there any way you can cover my shift at the theatre tonight? I’m sick.”
“You’re sick?” Karen asked, sounding unconvinced, “Look, if you think you can skip out of work, just to fuck your boyfriend then-”
“It’s not that. I promise. Look, Karen, please just do me this one favor.”
There was a long pause over the phone before Karen sighed, “Alright, but you owe me big time, Gallagher. Mandy and I were supposed to go out tonight.”
“Karen, thank you. I promise I’ll be forever in your debt.”
“I know you will, but are you like gonna be ok? You know, you and Mickey’s anniversary is tomorrow. Getting sick would be a total bummer.”
“I think it’s just a twenty-four-hour thing. Thanks again, Karen,” Ian said and then hung up the phone.
Ian waited outside Mickey’s dorm, hiding around the corner, when he saw his boyfriend walk outside. Ian was careful to stay hidden as he followed Mickey to the L. He got on the train, keeping his head down, watching Mickey intensely. He looked nervous. That fucker. He should be nervous.
When Mickey finally got off, Ian followed him at a safe distance. After a few more blocks, Mickey stopped in front of a house, and Ian ducked behind a car so he wouldn’t be seen. He watched as Mickey rung the doorbell and waited.
Ian held his breath as the door opened to reveal an older man. He wasn’t ugly, but he was definitely older than Mickey. Maybe forty-five? This was him. The guy Mickey was cheating on him with. Ian felt bile rise up in his throat when he watched them disappear into the house together.
“Fuck,” Ian said audibly, his voice cracking. Tears were falling freely onto his cheeks. It was true. It was all true. Mickey was lying to him. He was fucking some middle-aged asshole, who wasn’t even cute! Ian wanted to pull his hair out and scream. He wanted to go up there and beat the shit out of that guy for touching his boyfriend. But in the end, Ian didn’t do anything. He just cried, feeling so defeated. Because he knew this would happen. In the back of his mind he knew. Why would Mickey ever want to be with someone like him?
With one more look at the house, Ian left. He felt so numb, he didn’t even know where he was going. Eventually, he did end up stopping at his house, the one Fiona still shared with his younger siblings. Ian didn’t even realize he was that close to the Gallagher home. However, he let himself in, and immediately went to Fiona, crying on her shoulder.
Fiona soothed her brother the best she could, telling him there had to be some explanation to all of this.
Ian let her hold him, but he wouldn’t listen to her lie. Mickey didn’t want him. Mickey never wanted him.
He pulled away from Fiona, “Hey, uh, I think I’m gonna go back outside. I need some air.”
Fiona gave him a sympathetic look, as she touched the side of his cheek, “Ok, Sweetface.”
Ian walked back outside and sat down on the steps. He felt awful. He felt like nothing. As the cold October air blew, Ian contemplated on going inside, when he saw someone coming up the sidewalk. It was Mickey.
Ian watched emotionlessly as he got closer.
“Ian, what the fuck?” Mickey questioned, walking through the gate.
Ian looked up at Mickey, his expression cold, “What do you want?”
Mickey raised his brows, “Ian your acting fucking nuts. I just got off the phone with Karen. She said you called into work cus’ you were sick, but when Mandy went by your dorm you weren’t there. You’re lucky Fiona texted me where you were. Also, Lip said you came by the room earlier today all pissed off. Does this have something to do with how you were acting this morning? What’s going on with you?”
Ian chuckled darkly, “What’s going on with me? Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”
“What?”
Ian got up, and walked slowly over to Mickey, “The weird texts from unknown numbers. Searching prices for hotel rooms. Meeting up with people specifically while I’m at work.”
Mickey gaped at him, “You’ve been spying on me?”
Ian was so close to Mickey now, he could feel the other boy’s breath fanning his face, “We promised never to keep secrets from each other,” Ian pushed Mickey back hard, “Fuck you, Mickey! I can’t believe after three years; you decide to cheat on me. Our fucking anniversary is tomorrow! How could you?!”
Mickey grounded himself. He looked Ian hard in the eye, “Cheating on you? Is that what you think I’m doing?”
Ian felt tears well up in his eyes, “Isn’t it?”
Mickey laughed. He actually laughed in Ian’s face.
“Fuck you! This isn’t funny!”
“Goddamn, Gallagher. You are so fucking dense sometimes it’s baffling. I’m not fucking cheating on you.”
Ian was taken aback. Why did Mickey still need to lie? It was over. Ian knew. Unless?
“Hey,” Mickey said in a gentler tone, “Look at me.”
Ian did. He kept his eyes level with Mickey, but he could feel his body shaking all over.
“I’m not cheating on you, Ian. How could I? I fucking love you.”
“Then…” Ian faltered, “The texts?”
“I was buying your anniversary gift off some asshole who’d sell what I needed for cheap. I had to pick it up while you were at work. It was the only way I knew you wouldn’t catch me going out to meet the guy. Obviously, that didn’t fucking work.”
“But, the hotel rooms?”
“Were for me and you. I was going to take you out, and then take you to spend the night some place nice. Y’know we never had nothin’ like that growing up. So, I saved up. I’ve been taking odd jobs, so I could surprise you.”
“Mickey,” Ian said, feeling foolish. He stepped closer to Mickey, who took a step back.
“Fuck off. How could you think I was cheating on you, Ian, what the fuck?”
“I-” Ian stopped. It was the insecurity. The feeling of never being good enough. A feeling that almost wrecked his relationship. He loved Mickey. He trusted him. Why did he have to ruin everything? Ian shook his head, “I just. I saw the texts. And- and you lied to me about it, and… I mean I guess I kind of got it. I know I’m a lot to handle. It’s gotta be hard sometimes for you. Why wouldn’t you want someone better?” Ian was crying now. He let himself go and let his emotions out. He didn’t stop until he felt Mickey’s thumb graze over his cheeks to wipe his tears. Ian blinked slowly at him.
“You listen to me, I’m not going to cry about how much you’ve changed me, or some pussy flowery shit like that,” Mickey growled, sounding angry and almost desperate, “But you did change me, Ian. You are the most important thing in my life. Nothing I have or will ever have could compare to what I feel when I’m with you.”
“Mickey, I-”
Mickey cut Ian off by cupping each side of his face, “I love you, Ian Gallagher. And I want to spend the rest of my fucking life with you,” Mickey then got down on one knee, and then reached into his pocket, pulling out a silver ring, “If you’ll have me?”
Ian was in shock. He didn’t know how to make sounds. Mickey was proposing?
“The guy I bought this from had just gotten divorced. He sold it to me pretty cheap.”
Ian still couldn’t speak.
Mickey started to look extremely nervous, “Christ, Gallagher. I just poured my heart out, and now I’m down on one knee. Say something, please.”
Mickey was proposing. He was proposing to Ian. Even after Ian accused him of cheating, even after everything. Mickey still wanted him. Him. Ian. He was good enough. Mickey thought he was good enough.
“Ian!”
“Yes,” Ian said quickly, “Fuck, yes, Mickey. Of course, I’ll marry you.”
Mickey exhaled, like he was holding in his breath. He slid the ring on Ian’s finger, and then let his fiancé pull him up for a kiss.
“I love you so much, Mickey,” Ian mumbled against the smaller boy’s lips.
“I love you too. Fuck, I love you too.”
Ian continued kissing him, now feeling the cold metallic band wrapped around his finger. A symbol of their love. A symbol that Ian was enough. All of him, every fucked-up part of him, was enough. And in that moment, Ian decided that sometimes you needed secrets. Sometimes, secrets weren’t so bad after all.