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He felt revolted that his first instinct upon seeing her was to shoot her. Then he felt revolted that he’d felt revolted. He wondered if he was meant to live in this vicious cycle forever. He could not forgive her, nor could he let her go.
Curiosity and need drove him to the other side of the camp where a copy of his Sharon sat closely with Helo, long thought lost on Caprica.
“Hi.” He could tell he was interrupting something.
“Hi,” she said awkwardly.
”Sharon?” It hurt to even say her name, but he had to make sure.
”Hello, Chief.” She straightened up and moved away from Helo.
“You know who I am.” He didn’t know if that made him glad or angry.
“Yes.” She started to move toward him and he tensed. “We haven't met, but I remember you.” She gave him a hug and he wanted to relax into it, but he couldn’t. “It's good to see you.”
He couldn’t even speak. He needed to leave and he maintained himself until he was out of their sight. Then he lurched into the forest and fell to his knees, losing everything in his stomach.
With a constant reminder of what he’d had and lost and never had, would he ever be able to let go?
***
He felt ashamed for attacking Helo. It almost seemed like sacrilege to the memory of his Sharon to compare her with the other. But then weren’t they all the same? How could Helo loving one make him jealous? It seemed like all he did every day was relive his time with Sharon. He did resent the fact that Helo could still spend time with her, even if she wasn’t the one he remembered. But then he felt angry at himself for wanting it. How could he want to spend time with something that had lied to and used him, who had tried to kill the old man? But he could still feel her warm body in his hands, still hear her ragged voice whispering that she loved him as she died.
He worked on his bird, he felt like it would give him some sense of clarity. He felt like if he could only make something new, it would release him from the old. He was grateful to Cally for what she did for him. He hated her for killing his Sharon. He loathed his own changing emotions.
In the end all he could do was visit the Sharon in the brig. He didn’t know why, but somehow she was the only one who could make sense of it. The only one who could possibly know what life was like when he’d been happy and not this hollow shell. He wanted so badly to believe that his Sharon hadn’t meant to hurt him, that when she’d come to him afraid of her actions, she’d been sincere.
Looking into this Sharon’s face, he could believe it.
***
He didn’t even have to think when he heard the appalling obscenities coming from the Pegasus crew members. He simply grabbed Helo and ran. It was the right choice. He didn’t regret his actions. He didn’t feel repulsed, except by Thorne. He didn’t feel like a traitor. But he could see Sharon’s face, his Sharon. When the other Sharon crumpled to the floor, he felt more of his resolve break down. There was something there. It made him feel better and worse at the same time.
***
Facing death caused him to reflect on what he really wanted to do. He thought that he’d been able to put to rest what had happened. He felt odd trying to explain it to Helo. Somehow he knew Helo was the only one who could understand. The only difference between them was one had his Sharon and one did not. Helo could accept his Cylon family. But he himself would never have the opportunity.
He knew that as he watched Helo and Sharon communicate their love through the bars that separated them.
An overwhelming feeling of guilt surrounded him and he almost ran back to his rack. He almost felt as if he’d pulled the trigger and shot the Admiral.
What if he’d been like Helo? What if he’d accepted Sharon when she’d begged him for help? Yes, he’d thought breaking off their relationship was the right thing to do and it had nothing to do with her being a Cylon, but she’d been alone, doing things she had no control over, with no idea why. How could she have stood up to her programming without someone to give her a reason? Like the one Helo had given this Sharon.
It could have been him in there, communicating through bars. Maybe he would have even been behind bars. But if he’d made that choice, it would have been worth it. Helo’s love was just as forbidden as his own had been, even more so. But he could never go back and find out. All he could do was live with his regret. But at least he could now see and admit, though only to himself, that he loved Sharon Valerii and while he wished she wasn’t a Cylon, if she were alive it wouldn’t matter to him.
***
Helo had become his friend. It didn’t matter how or why. They hadn’t mixed much before the Cylon attack. There was the usual knuckledragger/pilot antagonism, but he’d always gotten the sense that Helo wanted to stay away from any possible involvement with Sharon while they were having their relationship. He respected Helo for it and appreciated the gesture.
But now they were friends and he was honored to be the one spreading the ashes of Hera with Helo since Sharon couldn’t be there. He felt like it was a fitting end to his own fixation with Cylons and his connection to them.
Except it didn’t end. The dreams started. When he was awake he could see that maybe a desperate thought within him believed that if he was a Cylon than he wouldn’t have to feel guilty anymore about loving Sharon. It would be proper for him to do so, even a good thing. But he wasn’t a Cylon and he didn’t really want or believe himself to be. It was just something that lurked within his mind.
He decided it would always lurk there. It would be a scar from his past, to remind him of his choices. He chose to love Cally and to move on with his life. Their life wouldn’t be perfect, but he would love her and he loved their son. Even as all hell broke loose around them. He made the choice to move on.
***
But he was a Cylon. He accepted it calmly, almost rationally. His first thought was that Cally must never know. Her hatred of Cylons was utterly irrational. She’d never been able to understand about Sharon and he didn’t try to explain. Now there was no way she would be able to cope. Especially not with the way she’d been acting lately.
He thought about Nicky. His son was part Cylon. He could almost hear his words shouted at Helo about how grateful he was not to have a Cylon baby. But it didn’t matter because whoever he had a child with, the baby would be part Cylon. He felt proud of his son and a fierce desire to protect him came over him. Now he understood Helo and Athena’s intense fear that something would happen to Hera. He could easily see it happening to Nicky.
He wondered about his loyalty. He feared what could happen to the ship if he didn’t control himself. He agonized over his marriage and his family. He hated it, but there was a barrier between him and the rest of the world. He couldn’t see it, but it was there and he wished it would go away. He felt like he’d lost the ability to feel and all this emotion was just human residue and that he was truly becoming a machine. It terrified him.
Mostly, he thought about Sharon. The guilt was coming back to swallow him whole. What a hypocrite he was. Yes, he had not known, but he had the feeling that if he had found out first, she would not have been so unforgiving of him. Now all the hateful things he’d ever said or thought about her came back to haunt him. He was a Cylon. He wished nothing would have ended up this way. He wished he could go back to the moment when he ended their relationship and change his decision.
He loved Cally and he wanted to spare her the pain. He felt so disconnected from her. He was determined to see their marriage through and be the husband she needed him to be, but it didn’t change the fact that he didn’t even have to wonder about what she would do if she found out. He loved his son, but he wished that Nicky didn’t have to grow up in a world full of people who would hate him.
He longed to go back in time.
***
When Cally died, he felt numb again. He felt like his world could no longer be turned over and taken from him, it already had been so many times, there was nothing left. He’d loved her, but he couldn’t bear to think about that love. He chose to focus on her negative qualities, to see nothing but her faults. He comforted himself with the fact that he would never have to see her eyes filled with distrust again. They’d never made up. He hated himself for that even if he couldn’t see what he could’ve done about it.
When Adama tried to comfort him, all of his thoughts, crazy and turbulent and filled with secrets and shame, flooded out. He began to wonder if he would ever be sane. He tried to remind himself he was a father, but even that didn’t help. He just longed to go back in time. He longed to be with Sharon, because that one bit he didn’t exaggerate as he shouted at the Admiral. He chose this life. He’d tried to do the right thing and instead, he’d picked the worse possible life in which to discover he was a Cylon. He hated himself for ruining his life and the lives of everyone around him. Of the woman who hadn’t known she was a machine, as well as the one who had killed her.
***
He poured his life into Nicky. Earth wasn’t a paradise, but it wasn’t a wasteland either. Cylon and human integration was new. It was feared. It was needed. It was longed for and put off. But he couldn’t join in, unless it was to help bring Tory Foster to justice for the murder of his wife. That much, at least, he could do for Cally.
One day he looked up and saw her. She wasn’t wearing a flight uniform and he guessed that it must be Athena’s day off. No other 8 ever came to his house. He’d made his feelings about being glorified with the Final 5 very clear. He was glad to see her. Athena and Helo were the only two people he could still connect with. They understood him and he them.
“Figured you’d stop by. Where’s Helo?” He straightened up and halted his steps when she didn’t approach him.
“Hello, Chief.” An incredulous look passed over his face.
“Sharon?”
A hesitant smile appeared on the lips he remembered so well.
“It’s me.”
He decided to walk closer. It wasn’t a hard choice to make. Then his life started over again.