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Becky was cleaning when she found them: polaroids of her and her highschool girlfriend, Linda. The first polaroid was grainy and blurry, but Becky could remember the day like it was yesterday.
It was the third day of sophomore year when Linda asked her on a date. Becky remembered having a crush on Linda from the moment she transferred to Hatchetfield High in the middle of freshman year. Her friends had constantly teased her for not being able to ask Linda out and getting tongue tied around her.
She remembered promising her friends that she would ask Linda out when sophomore year started; she remembered having stayed after cheerleading practice had ended in hopes that she would run into Linda after band practice. She had been so nervous to talk to her and tried to walk away when Linda had called out to her. Linda still had her band polo on as she quickly ran up to Becky.
“I understand if you don’t want to, but I really like you and I want to go on a date with you. So, do you want to go on a date with me?” Linda nervously asked.
Becky grinned, “Yeah I do.”
Linda held Becky’s hand cautiously and smiled up at her as Becky wondered how she could be so lucky. Neither had noticed Gary Goldstein taking a picture of them until he handed them a polaroid. Becky remembered pulling out a marker to write the date on it, thinking that she would never want to forget the happiest day of her life.
She was wrong.
Becky stared at the polaroid, searching for the happiness she felt in that moment. She tried not to feel bitter at the memories of Linda. Their relationship had felt like a dream until Linda cheated.
Becky sighed, trying to push that memory away. She picked up the next polaroid; it was equally as blurry as the last, but she could still recall every detail of that day.
It was her first date with Linda and Becky had nervously paced her room while her best friend Charlotte had tried to calm her down. Linda had said that they were going on a very special date unlike one that Becky had ever been on before.
“Maybe she’s taking you somewhere super fancy.” Charlotte had said over the phone.
“But I don’t have fancy clothes! She’s going to break up with me before we even go on a date.” Becky said.
“Becky, she can’t stop talking about you in band. I’m sure she’s not going to break up with you for being underdressed. She likes you way too much to do that.” Charlotte said.
Becky looked out her bedroom window to see Linda walking up to her house. “Char, she’s here! I have to go, wish me luck!” She said before hanging up the phone.
Becky remembered the confusion she had felt when Linda had taken her to the grocery store for their date. She wasn’t sure what she had expected from Linda, but the lobster tank at the grocery store had not been it.
Linda had told her to just watch as the lobsters started fighting over territory. Becky’s confusion quickly turned into amusement as she watched her favorite lobster, which she named Harold, beat Linda’s lobster, Laurence. SHe giggled as Linda made faces at the other lobsters in the tank.
Becky remembered how the grocery store lights had lit up Linda’s blonde hair, making her look like an angel. She remembered Linda convincing her to sit in a shopping cart so that Linda could push her around the store. She remembered being too busy laughing to care about the stares they got from others.
She remembered Linda walking her to her house that night and leaving her with a kiss on her cheek. She remembered the pure joy she felt as she sat on her bed that night.
The next day, Charlotte presented her with a polaroid of her and Linda standing in front of the lobster tank. Charlotte had been at the grocery store with her mom and knew that Becky would want a picture.
Becky stared at the look of pure adoration on her face. She often wondered if she would have still been in love with Linda if they had stayed together. Her relationship with Linda was the one what-if that kept her up at night. She picked up the next picture and immediately regretted it; the polaroid was clear as day.
It was her first kiss with Linda. It was winter break and their friends had planned a white elephant get-together. Becky had pulled Linda’s name from Gary’s hat and Becky wasn’t sure how but she was convinced that their friends had rigged it.
Becky sat nervously on Gerald Monroe’s couch as she watched Linda carefully tear the wrapping paper on her present. Next to her Charlotte was buzzing with excitement because she knew exactly what Becky had gotten Linda.
Becky stared at Linda, who looked like a goddess surrounded by fairy lights and shiny ornaments, as her face lit up at the present Becky got her. It was a gold necklace with their names engraved on it. Linda looked up at her with tears in her eyes and kissed her; they ignored the teasing of their friends and the crinkling of the wrapping paper beneath them. At that moment, it was just Becky and Linda.
Becky wondered if Linda kept that necklace after they broke up or if she even remembered that she owned it. Becky would never admit it, but she often wondered if Linda ever thought about their relationship or if she moved on. She took a deep breath and looked at the next polaroid.
It was Valentine’s Day; the picture was a grainy photo of her and Linda holding red balloons and flowers.
Becky had been planning for Valentine’s Day for weeks with Charlotte. She had woken up early to buy the flowers and balloons before school started and excitedly gave them to Linda. Looking back on it, Becky should have known that that was when everything changed. Linda looked happy but in the picture her smile didn’t reach her eyes.
Becky, however, looked overjoyed to be with her girlfriend. Although, she didn’t recognize the candy box that was in Linda’s hands. Becky felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner; Linda had looked so bored, but Becky’s stupid optimisim had blinded her to it.
Becky angrily put the photo down before Linda’s fake smile could taunt her further. Linda had strung her along for so long. Tears pricked her eyes as she picked up the next photo.
It was the summer before junior year when Linda and Gerald’s families went on vacation together; it was their tradition to travel somewhere with beautiful sandy beaches unlike the ones in Hatchetfield. Becky remembered feeling jealous that her girlfriend was going to be with Gerald for three months. There had always been rumors that they were dating despite the fact that they always denied the rumor.
Charlotte had told her not to worry because Linda was clearly head over heels in love with Becky. Becky remembered Charlotte’s use of the word “love” had made her blush at the time. She had tried to put her jealous feelings aside at their going away party, but she couldn’t help the anxious feelings that had pooled in her stomach as the night went on. She had clung to Linda the entire night, trying to have as much time with her as she could.
Gary, she remembered, had come around taking pictures of everyone as parting gifts for Linda and Gerald. She thought back to Linda’s insistence that Becky should keep the picture of them hugging; did she not want any reminders of Becky on her trip?
Becky wished she could stop torturing herself with the memories of their failed relationship, but she was in far too deep. Even when she darted Tom Houston in senior year, she still thought about Linda. She wished she could find a way to live without her.
Becky wiped her tears away and picked up the next polaroid.
Linda and Gerald had come back from their trip and their friends decided to have a welcome back party at the park. Becky had noticed that Linda was more quiet and reserved but she had thought it was jetlag. Now she knows it wasn’t.
Becky had convinced Linda to sneak off to a more secluded part of the park with her. Becky couldn’t remember what she had said, but she knew that she had told Linda how much she had missed her in the past three months. Becky remembered seeing Linda’s face after so long and thinking how much she cared about her.
“I love you.” Becky blurted out.
Linda was silent for a moment, “I love you too.”
Becky teared up and kissed her, not noticing Linda’s hesitation. Their friends had teased them when they finally made their way back. Becky had never felt happier.
Looking at the picture now, Becky saw how uncomfortable Linda looked that day. Becky could help but think that her friends knew that Linda wasn’t happy with her anymore and just didn’t tell her to spare her feelings.
Becky ignored her tears as she picked up the last polaroid in the bunch. She tried to prepare herself for the end of what she thought to be the best time of her life.
They had taken the picture at Gary Goldstein’s Halloween party in junior year. Linda was dressed in Becky’s cheer uniform and Becky was wearing Linda’s band uniform, much to Linda’s chagrin.
Gary had wanted to take pictures of their costumes before the party started to make sure that they would all remember what he called the “best party of the year.” Becky had been so excited to have been invited to a Halloween party because it was clearly the best holiday, no matter how much Linda had argued that Christmas was the best holiday.
The details of the party were fuzzy; all she could remember were loud music and lots of dancing until Linda went to the bathroom.
She noticed that Linda hadn’t come back after thirty minutes and she decided she would go looking for her. She regretted that decision as soon as she walked into a room and saw Linda kissing Gerald on someone’s bed.
Even now the memory brought tears to her eyes. She had thought she had done everything right, that she had been a good girlfriend.
Tom Houston found her crying in the garden and took her to her house without asking a single question. Becky appreciated that. He had given her a soft smile and Becky hoped she could fall in love with someone like him.
Linda called her the next day; Becky had wanted to fight and scream and tell her to fuck off, but she had let Linda apologize and break up with her. Becky forgave her and told her that she was okay. She cried to Charlotte for hours after that.
She replayed every moment of their relationship and wondered where she had messed up, where she had slipped up. Becky threw the polaroid onto the floor. She had never moved on, even when Linda and Gerald started dating by the end of junior years. She hadn’t moved on when Tom asked her out in senior year and took her to prom.
She still never moved on when Linda and Gerald got married and Tom broke up with her and married Jane Perkins. She thought that she would never move on from her feelings and she sometimes hoped that Linda thought about her too.
One day, she would find the power to move on but today she stared at the polaroids on her table and replayed the memories again.