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JJ looks out towards the march. It’s a beautiful evening as the moonlight reflects on the water, and the light breeze makes the hammock swing. JJ looks back towards his friends, Pope and Kiara, who sit together with him on the hammocks near John B’s shack. The ropes above them creek with their weights as they rock back and forth.
The scent of the ocean fills the air around them and small fireflies produce a buzzing sound close to JJ’s ear. He waves them away.
“There’s a party by the beach tomorrow, are we going?”, Kiara asks and disrupts the silence.
It’s silent for a while before JJ responds. “I’m not sure I feel up to it”.
Pope and Kiara jump where they sit and looks at JJ with mouths agape.
“Since when do you of all people say no to a party?”, Pope asks with an incredulous voice, brows raised.
JJ rolls his eyes at their shocked expressions and shrugs. “I dunno, it just won’t be the same without John B”.
Kiara and Pope looks at eachother before Pope responds. “C’mon, it’ll be a good way to get mind off of things”.
“Since when does the notorious good-boy Pope persuade people to go to parties?”, JJ asks mockingly.
Pope laughs and pushes JJ lightly on the shoulder. “Shut up”
Pope’s deep, rumbling laughter is so contagious that peals of laughter threatens to burst from deep within JJ. A smile had completely enveloped Pope’s face and he looks so radiant that JJ can’t take his eyes off him.
“If you guys want to go, I’ll go too. I’ll fix a beer keg and everything”. JJ has a satisfied smirk on his lips and lifts his arms behind his head to get into a comfortable position.
“Wait, how are you going to get a beer keg? You don’t have any money, remember?”
JJ gives a light laugh and responds “Well, there’s other ways to get your hands on some alcohol than paying for it”.
“Oh no, don’t tell me you’re going to steal it. We’re already deep in trouble with the police as it is!”, Pope exclaims with wide eyes.
“Dude, chill, it’s not like I haven’t done it before”
Pope turns his head to look back at Kiara, whose been quietly observing them both. Pope asks quietly “Help please?”. Kiara sighs in annoyance.
“No, this time it’s your turn to take care of him”, she replies sarcastically.
JJ looks up in an exasperated manner. “Stop talking about me like I’m a child”.
“Well, maybe then stop acting like a ch-“
“Like a child, yes I got it”, JJ mutters quietly before lighting up. “Wait, but in that case you’re my parents, right?”. He grabs Pope, who’s closest to him, and lifts his hands up to his face. “Your child deserves some kisses”, he says in a high-pitched voice, puckering his lips mockingly. He receives a hard smack on the shoulder from Pope who gives him a look of annoyance, before dropping his hands off him in defeat.
“Dude, cut it out”, Pope says with a stern look, but a small laugh slips from him anyway.
----
The next morning, JJ wakes up on the mattress in what used to be John B’s living room. Pope and Kiara are still asleep, and JJ looks up at the ceiling above him.
The shack is completely silent, except for the distant sound of the waves crashing against the shore and the wind ruffling the trees.
Ever since John B disappeared, JJ had trouble sleeping. This night had been no different. For most of the night, he had been laying awake. Sleep kept clouding his mind but thoughts about the recent events raced through his mind.
John B’s disappearance meant JJ was left alone. He had Pope and Kiara, but he knew it wasn’t for long. Soon Pope would leave for college after getting a scholarship, and Kiara would leave to travel the world.
JJ knew they would stay if he asked them to. But he couldn’t do that to them. They deserved to leave this place and experience everything the world had to offer. He wanted that for them, of course he did. But knowing all he had to look forward to was loneliness was at times too much for him to bear.
Sobs threatened to claw their way out of him and JJ couldn’t take it anymore. He had to go. He can’t risk his friends seeing him this way. He can't risk destroying their last couple of months together because of his emotional bullshit.
Taking a leap out of the worn-out bed, he puts both hands to his face, trying to stifle the scream that threatens to come out of him.
He grabs his bag and make a quick exit for the door. The others are sleeping in various rooms around the small shack, and JJ knows he won’t disrupt their sleep.
The walk home gives JJ more time to think. More time to ponder and it feels like his head is going to explode. Something in him tells him, no screams at him, to turn around. To not go home. But he has to. It’s the only place apart from his friend’s house he can go to, and he can’t be with them right now.
Finally, JJ sees the outline of his house and he comes into a full stop. He stares at the aged and run-down house before taking the last few steps to what used to be a driveway, but now is full of overgrown grass. It’s dark and there shows no signs of anyone else around. JJ walks up the stairs, before opening the door, silently. With each step as light as a feather, he walks past the sofa and the TV-table, full of empty beer and whisky-bottles. His dad lies on the sofa passed out, a beer bottle in his hand.
Go figure, JJ thinks before walking to his room.
The next morning, JJ goes out to see his dad working on the front porch. He gives a curt nod to suffice as a greeting and starts inching his way towards the door. His father sits by a table with a clutter of tools and cans surrounding him. He seems to be in a bad mood, which causes JJ to stop by the door frame. He knows better than to go closer to him when he’s like this.
“Where have you been?”, his dad asks with a small growl, disdain on his lips, as he goes mindlessly through the tools.
“I’ve been at John B’s house”, JJ replies, taking off his cap to have something to do with his hands.
“Why haven’t you been here? Huh? And why have you been at John B’s house? He’s gon’ disappeared and you still at his house? For what?”
JJ stiffens. His father’s words reopen the fresh wound inside him, from the loss of his friend. He looks down on the floorboards below him, trying not to let the tears from falling as he fiddles with his stained shirt.
“I’ve needed your help with the repair work. With getting parts” his dad continues, his voice trembling with rage. “Do you think I’m able to do everything around here?”
This makes JJ look up. He had finished all his work the days before, he was sure of it.
“What do you mean, I did everything you told-“
“What do I mean? Boy, I do everything around here, you better do some goddamn work, son, if you haven’t noticed we’re a bit short of money around here.”
JJ stares at him in disbelief. He was helping him. He was doing his best.
“You’re such a disappointment”, his dad mutters, with an irritated look on his face.
“I know, I- I- I’m sorry dad”, he manages to stutter when the weight of his words finally reach him.
“You’re sorry huh?”. He stands up and drops the wrench in his hands.
JJ takes a few steps backwards.
“Here I am doing my work and all you can say is that you’re sorry, you ungrateful little shit. How do you think we’re getting food on the table, huh?”
He isn’t quite fast enough and his father steps closer to him.
“I’m talking to you, boy”, he growls lowly and JJ can feel the stench of alcohol and sweat.
JJ knows what this tone of voice means and braces himself. But he can’t stop the words from leaving him, in an attempt to deflect the conversation.
“But I did everything you asked me to do last wee-“
The punch came out of nowhere. Neither did the second one. Then they stopped and JJ was held up by his shirt, his hair ruffled and his gaze flickering.
“You better start realizing that life ain’t gonna be easy, boy. Things don’t come to you on a golden platter. Start helping out and maybe do some damn work for fucks sake”, his dad says as he holds him at the back of the neck. He shoves him back, hard.
JJ looked his dad in the eyes, stubborness shining through his deep blue eyes. Another punch was given to his stomach, causing JJ to double in on himself.
His father stands directly in front of him, waiting for him to get back up just like he know he will.
“Dad. Please stop. Ple-“
As another punch hits his stomach, JJ lets out a small grunt that goes unheard as his dad gets ready for another one. Brazing himself, he tries to push him off, using his position by the wall to push his arms in front of him to keep his dad at bay. He whips his face around to face his father and adrenaline surges through him, anger rising.
It must’ve shown on his face because as soon as his dad sees a glimpse of his face, JJ feel another set of those familiar knuckles across his face and he’s seeing nothing but stars.
“Please stop dad”, a sob breaks through and he is pushed back into wall, making his head swim from the collision.
His dad grabs JJ by the wrist so hard that he’s sure it will be bruised now too. JJ tries to jerk away from him, a small whining sound leaving from somewhere in his throat. But he doesn’t try to fight back. Not this time. There was no strength left in him. He gets another blow to the face and his stomach seize, as if the air wouldn’t find their way down to his lungs.
He stumbles back and falls down hard as his father lets go of his hold on him, wiping his bloodied knuckles on his jeans.
JJ groans, trying to crawl across the floorboards to get away, not daring to get back up.
His father stands behind him, rolling his sleeves. Fear bubbles up inside of him and tears well up in JJ’s eyes as he knows he can’t get away. He knows exactly how it’s going to end, just like it had been so many times before.
“Trying to get away, huh?”, his dad growls behind him. “Thought you would know better by now”
“Dad, please, no”, JJ reasons, putting his arms up in front of him as in surrender. He knows his dad has little tolerance for begging, but he can’t stop himself.
His father gets two more punches in– one in the abdomen, and one across the side of his face. JJ can practically feel his skin blooming with purples and blues. His father rummages through JJ’s backpack, finding a few wrinkled dollar bills that he puts in his jeans, before he walks out.
JJ gulps as his vision start to blacken. Without completely remembering how he got there, he eventually finds himself curled up on the wooden floor, a trickle of blood dripping from what he’s guessing is a split lip.
He lay there for a while, feeling numb and unsure of why he should get up in the first place.
JJ was strong, and only sixteen years of age, but he felt cold and as if all of his energy had been taken away from him. His muscles contracted as he made a weak attempt to get up. He took a deep breath, trying to not let panic seize him as the room swayed and blurred in and out of focus. He felt a terrible yearning in his chest, as he ached, hopelessly, for someone else to be there with him. Someone that would hold him and tell him things would be alright.
But no one came.
He sucked in a deep breath and remembered that he had to take care of this himself.
His mind wandered back to his dad. This tyrant, who didn’t love him. Who didn’t appreciate him. Who saw him as nothing.
And soon, he would be all he had left.
----
“Don’t forget about the party down at the beach later. JJ will probably be there”, Kiara says to Pope, sitting across from her in a lounge chair.
“You sure? Well, I guess it’s our best bet at finding him after he bailed this morning”, he replies with a concerned look on his face.
“Yeah, such a JJ-thing to do”.
“He probably just needed some space, you know what JJ can be like at times”, Kiara says nervously, looking at him with caution.
“He’s probably fine. But we should go to the party tonight in case he’s there. And make sure he’s alright”, Pope says anxiously, before saying goodbye and making his way to work.
----
Later that afternoon, Pope and Kiara meets at the edge of the beach. Despite being pretty early, there are many people there already. They can see kegs of beer and people sit around fire pits, talking and laughing loudly. Music was blasting through speakers that people had carried with them.
“C’mon Pope, JJ can’t be far away”, Kiara says, trying to console Pope. He had been on edge the entire day, trying to focus on work but his mind had continued to stray to thoughts about JJ.
At the far end of the beach, they could see a large group of teenagers, standing close together and laughing in delight. One look at eachother, and Pope and Kiara could tell exactly where JJ was.
They walked towards the group, and just like they had expected, they could see JJ among them. He was talking and entertaining them, to the others delight. But Pope and Kiara were far from being amused.
Across JJ’s face, red and blue bruises was appearing. But that was nothing compared to the injuries spread across his arms and torso. He was wearing the same tank top as the day before, and with every single move he made they could peek bruises in various states and size. Across his collarbone, a particularly hideous dark-purple bruise was visible, lining up from below his neck.
Pope and Kiara had seen him in a bad state before, but never like this. JJ readjusts his cap, and they could see dried blood caking his blonde hair. The movement expose his black and blue side, which JJ didn’t seem to realize. Neither did his audience, or they didn’t care. Most people around here knew JJ got into fights pretty regularly and had no idea about the source of the injuries.
The sight of his bruised and battered body made Pope’s blood boil. Kiara was in a state of shock. They both had been there for JJ through tough times. After beatings from his dad they had been there to soothe him and make sure he was alright. But somehow, this was different. He hadn’t been beaten by his dad in a while, a trend which they had hoped would continue. But like he always did, JJ seemed to brush it off in its entirety and acted like everything was totally fine. As if nothing had happened to him.
Moving around, JJ finally saw Pope and Kiara, standing a few metres from him.
“Pope! Kie! You came!”
He jumped from the small elevation he was standing on, and left the crowd of his admirers.
“Yeah, of course we did” Pope said, as Kiara walks up to him, engulfing him in a big hug, relief practically seething off from her.
“JJ, what happened? What’s with all the injuries? Are you okay?”, Pope continues, seeking eye contact with JJ, who with a smile brings Pope into the hug.
“These?”, he asks, taking a step back and shrugging, “Oh, they’re nothing. Just the usual. Anyway, let’s go get you two something to drink, shall we?”, he says before putting his arms back around them and walking towards a beer keg.
Kiara stops and pushes his arm off her.
“JJ, stop. What’s going on?”, she says, lowering her voice and hesitating before continuing, “did your dad do this to you?”
“Yeah, he did but it doesn’t matter. We’ll have a fun time and forget about him. And besides, I kind of asked for it so it’s my fault”, he says, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
“JJ, that’s not true. It’s not your fault”, Pope says, voice taut with frustration.
Pope walks forward, coming close to JJ and looking at him gently into his eyes.
“JJ, are you sure you’re okay?”, he asks with a quiet voice.
Kiara looks nervously at the boys, from one to the other. JJ looks up and meets his eyes and nods affirmatively back at him.
“I’m fine”, he says with a stern look on his face, not completely meeting Pope’s eyes.
At this point, the words felt like a reflex, one of the many defense mechanisms he had gotten throughout the years. All those mornings at school, where teachers and classmates had asked him where he had gotten the fresh bruises from, all the detentions he was sent to for fights he’d caused so he wouldn’t have to go home, all the questions and looks from others. It had taught him to lie. To pretend. To impersonate someone he wasn’t. And now he did the same thing to the people he was closest to.
His best friends.
No.
His family.
JJ knew it was wrong to not tell the truth but if he’d learned anything, it was to not show any weakness. And he was good at it. It was easier to put on a brave face than showing vulnerability. Than showing how extremely numb and empty he felt.
An irrational part of him knew he would never tell them how he felt. He was too scared. Scared they wouldn’t understand. Scared that they would leave him if they did.
JJ wouldn’t let that happen.
“C’mon stop with the sad looks on your face, it’s alright. Let’s just forget about it”
JJ keeps walking and start to pour beer in a plastic cup.
“Can I have one?”, a girl asks shyly as she approaches.
“Sure thing, madam”, JJ replies and obliges by giving her the cup, before giving a small wink her way. He turns back to Pope and Kiara.
“JJ, you need to come live with us instead. I’m sure my parents will be alright with it. Or you can stay at Kie’s or John B’s place”
JJ exhales and walks ahead, eyes straight down and his jaw clenched.
“Guys, stop, we’ve been over this before. I can’t just leave”
“Why not?”, Kiara asks, looking straight at him, gaze unyielding.
“You know why!”, JJ exclaims, making the people closest to them look up in surprise.
The outburst causes silence to spread around them. Pope is the first who manages to regain his composure.
“No, we don’t. We’re your family too and we’re here for you.”
JJ scoffs and looks between the two of them, his eyes brimming with unshed tears, but determined nonetheless.
“No, you don’t get it, my dad is my family. He needs me. And besides, John B is gone and soon you two will too. And I’ll be all alone, except for my dad”, he shuffles back and forth, as if unsure where to go and what to say, his throat closing up.
There is a long, painful pause of silence as Kiara and Pope looks at him, pain evident on their faces. JJ keeps looking down on the ground, trying to hold the tears that is threatening to spill. They watch as JJ’s expression falters. His shoulders sag slightly.
“Look, you don’t understand. I just wanted to have a fun night that’s all. You know what, I don’t need you guys anyway”, JJ says suddenly, voice trembling.
Before they are able to figure out how to respond, he turns and storms off, past the crowds of people and they lose sight of him.
“Fuck”, Pope mutters and covers his face with his hands. Kiara just stands next to him, her heart heavy and on the verge of tears.
----
JJ needed a distraction. Despite that each movement he made hurt, it had been fun to dance and drink at the party. People didn’t expect anything from him, and he was good at entertaining people. Pope and Kiara had ruined that. They cared too much. He had made them sad. The one thing he didn’t want to happen. Maybe they were better off without him.
His heart started aching again and panic threatened to seize him.
JJ clutched at his shirt, tipping his head up and let out a big breath.
He needed a distraction.
Something, anything, to take his mind off the pain he felt inside.
----
“Pope, we have to find him. I’m scared, what if he’s going to do something stupid. What if he’s going to hurt himself”, Kiara says in between steps as they make their way through the town.
They had been trying to find JJ for the last hour, but without any result. Each passing minute, their dread and fear only increased.
“Kie, you always say he’s the strongest of us, remember that. He’s going to be fine. We’ll find him”, Pope replied, sounding nowhere near convinced but trying his best to reassure them both.
Another twenty minutes pass before they find him. All alone, he sits in a dark alley. Empty bottles surround him and from the distinct smell, they can tell he’s been drinking alcohol. From the way his body is slouching, he looks tired. His eyes glisten from the silent tears that track down his face and slowly drips down on the pavement.
Carefully, they make their way up to him.
“JJ?”, Kiara asks, her voice low. JJ looks up, bruises illuminating from the light of the street lights. Quickly, he swings his hand up and runs it across his eyes to dry the tears. His split lip grows into a smile.
“Kie, Pope!”, he says, slurring a little bit, “you came! I’m sorry about the mess before but now the real party can start. I missed you guys”, he says while trying to get up, stumbling on his way up.
Pope goes forward, in fear of JJ falling, and ready to catch him if need be.
“JJ, you can’t just run of like that. We been looking for you”.
JJ looks guilty and full of remorse.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry you had to worry about me. But things are good now, you found me!”, he says, arms wide in an illustrious manner, with a big grin on his face, as if satisfied with the situation.
“Listen JJ, let’s go home. Come with us, you can stay with us tonight. Screw your dad, let’s go”.
With words slurring, JJ begins to protest.
“No, no, let’s not go just yet”, his eyes darken and he looks away before exclaiming, “also why are you always yapping on about my dad? You’re obsessed with him or somethin’, huh? It’s like you can’t think about anything else”
Pope and Kiara looks at him, incredulously.
“JJ, he’s hurting you. It’s not right. Come on, let’s talk about this tomorrow, let’s go”, Kiara says pleadingly.
“No, no you still don’t understand”, anger flares up in his face. “He’s my dad. I don’t get another one. Stop talking about him. Just stop. I’m fine. I’m fine”, he chuckles, “I’m fine”.
“JJ- “
“WHY CAN’T YOU JUST UNDERSTAND?”, JJ shouts as he spins around, his hand forming into a fist. With a loud bang, he slams it into the wall behind him.
The impact with the wall brings a wave of pain from his hand up through his arm but it’s not unpleasant. To his realization, he welcomes the pain. He looks at his red and bloody fist for a second, then raising it, punching it to the wall again. This time, he uses both hands to pound the wall, one by one, bringing a horrific crunching sound with each blow of terrible force.
Pope and Kiara rushes forward, grabbing him from behind.
“STOP, JJ, STOP, WHAT ARE YOU DOING”, they scream as they try and grab his arms and make him stop. He pushes them away and punches, punches, punches, punches.
He doesn’t want to stop, even as blood begins to spray across the wall and on his face. He can hear screaming and feel the tugging from his two friends. But he sees red and he can’t think about anything apart from the feeling of pain, that for each blow feels a little bit subdued. He feels in control. As if the pain he’s inflicting on himself makes him feel something else. Something he’s in control of.
He can’t hear Pope’s and Kiara’s pleading cries. It is as if the world around him had turned silent.
JJ’s face is screwed up in a grimace, making small grunting noises each time his fists make a sickening sound to the wall.
“Please stop, JJ, please”, Kiara says, as a sob tears at her throat and she clings to him.
Shaking, JJ brings up his right fist, but Pope runs forward and grabs his hand.
“GET OFF ME POPE, GET OFF ME”, he screams, trying to wrench himself to the side to get free from his friend. Pope doesn’t bulge and tries to follow the movement so he stands directly in front of him, his hands a gentle but firm grip on JJ’s arms, while JJ tries to break free.
“Please stop, JJ”, Pope says with tears in his eyes. ”Just stop”
His voice is full of pain, causing JJ to look up.
“Shattering your hands won’t solve anything”
JJ stops, panting loudly, as realization dawns on him and he looks at his hands. His right hand throbs with pain and it sticks out in a weird angle. The pain overwhelms him but it’s nothing compared to the emptiness he feels inside.
He had hurt his friends.
Again.
He looks at Pope again, into his desperate eyes.
“It’s my fault”, JJ says with a small whimper as tears welled in his eyes, “I’m sorry, Pope, I’m so sorry”
“Hey, it’s okay JJ, please don’t cry”
Kiara instinctively wraps her arms tight around him from behind, her chin rested atop his shoulder. JJ brings his hand around her arms, leaving bloody marks but knowing she don’t mind. His legs don’t carry him anymore and it’s like he’s falling, but Pope and Kiara are there to make sure he doesn’t as he drops to the ground.
Tears spill down his cheeks, and he tries to gulp down air as it becomes harder to breathe.
“Hey JJ, Kiara says soothingly, “please takes deep breaths for me, okay?”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to”, JJ whispers in between breaths.
“I know, I know, deep breaths. Nobody’s mad at you”, Kiara says reassuringly, trying to stay calm despite the tears that are spilling down her cheeks, and tries to offer him a weak smile.
Pope is examining JJ’s hands, blood splattering on the ground below them, as it drips from his cracked and ruptured skin.
“I think it’s broken”, he mumbles quietly so only Kiara can hear.
”JJ, why did you do that to yourself?” Pope asks in a quiet voice, taking JJ's face with both his hands and looking straight into JJ’s light-blue eyes. He’s so close to him that he almost touches him. Pope smells of the scent of the ocean and burnt wood, making JJ feel safe as he leans into the touch.
JJ swallows hard and lays his head on Pope’s shoulder. Kiara gestures with her hand for Pope to join in on the hug, and Pope wraps his arm around him, completely engulfing the three friends. JJ’s buries his face into Pope’s neck, tears soaking his shirt.
He’s so exhausted. So exhausted.
”I just wanted to feel something”, JJ says with a shudder, voice cracking.
Kiara and Pope don’t know how to respond, looking at eachother for a second before bringing their full attention back to JJ.
Pope inhales sharply and tightens his grip around him.
“It’s going to be alright JJ, we can fix this. You don’t have to bottle everything up, you know, not to us. We know you do it out of love, but you don’t have to protect us. We love you. You’re our family. All you have to do is accept our help. And I promise, we’re not going anywhere without you”.
He sounded so sincere, so desperate for JJ to believe him, that JJ can’t help the new, fresh tears from falling. He squeezes his eyes shut, and takes another deep breath, holding on to them both.
JJ feels the ache, the terrible yearning taking control as he realizes that this is what he’s been wanting and waiting for so long. Someone to help him cope with all that fear, pain, anger and loneliness he’d felt. Someone to comfort him.
His lungs felt heavy. But this time, from relief.
He wasn’t alone.
His family, his real family, was there for him. And they wouldn’t leave. He had to believe that.
“JJ, why do you keep insisting you’re fine when you’re obviously not? We’re here to listen you know, you don’t have to go through it alone”, Pope says after a while, with an exasperated sigh.
At this, JJ raises his head a little bit and to their surprise, a slight sneer is playing at his lips. “You know my style. Deny, deny, deny”.
Pope and Kiara can’t help the laugh that leaves them, and JJ breaks into a smile. He presses his face back onto Pope’s shoulder and collapses into the hug.
He clutches his arms around his friends like his life depends on it. Cause the truth is, that it does.
He’s still shaking, but he can feel the warmth from Kiara’s and Pope’s arms around him, making him feel anchored.
He feels loved.
And maybe, in the end, things will be alright.