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To say Sakusa Kiyoomi is afraid of love would be a gross understatement.
The man was a germaphobe, yes but the one thing that scared him shitless more than unwashed hands and dusty rooms was the idea of giving up all control of your heart to someone else.
It was such a foreign concept to him, the concept of trusting someone so much that you let them into the nitty gritty details of your personal life, all your flaws, your lowest moments, and trusting them enough to know your weaknesses — like handing them a gun and hoping they won’t pull the trigger.
Nevertheless, he caved in and gave in, he gave his heart to one loud, cocky bastard named Miya Atsumu.
They were an odd duo.
“You’re one of the best spikers in the country, why didn’t you go professional?”
Those same old questions that annoyed him on a daily basis didn’t stop, they didn’t stop even after they broke up but that moment of silence in his life once Atsumu came was a blessing he’d never take for granted.
“And what about it if he wants to focus on becoming a lawyer first? Being a pro-athlete isn’t going to be a guaranteed future for anyone and he’s still playing for collegiate levels isn’t he?”
Those same old words that always cut through their snobby questions, the slight accent in his voice that Sakusa caught himself growing to find endearing.
No matter how much he re-assured his boyfriend that it didn’t matter, that he wasn’t bothered by those questions, just mildly annoyed, Atsumu would scoff and smile, proclaiming himself his knight in shining armor.
“Shining? How can you be shining when you can’t even clean yourself,” Sakusa ‘tsk’ed, reaching over to wipe the boy’s lips of spaghetti sauce.
He only replied with a boyish smile.
The same smile that Sakusa fell for.
The same smile that hurt him.
The type of hurt that couldn’t be described with words, it was way too painful for someone to understand unless you experienced the same thing yourself.
It wasn’t supposed to end up like this.
It was supposed to be a happy ending, him studying as hard as he can while Atsumu chases his dream as a pro volleyball player and a year from now Sakusa would’ve been standing on stage in his graduation gown, his law degree in one hand and Atsumu in the other.
Well, that was the plan.
That was the plan before the cracks started appearing.
That was the plan before the supports of the house they built together started breaking right in front of their eyes.
“You should’ve seen it coming,” they say.
“It was inevitable,” they’d preach.
But who would think to save themselves from the deadly waves when their eyes are all on the sunset?
“They were right though,” Sakusa mumbled, absent minded, his face mask barely muffling his words.
Akaashi looks up from his phone, a confused expression on his face.
“Right about what?” Ushijima and Kageyama approached their table, holding the coffees they ordered for the four of them.
Tobio too looked distracted, the reason? He wouldn’t say.
“About our relationship, about everything,” the bags under Sakusa’s eyes looked darker, far darker than they do on finals week.
The three of them sat quietly, knowing full well to let Sakusa rant his feelings out.
You see, Sakusa Kiyoomi is one of those emotionally constipated people, actually all four of them were but he was on a whole other level on constipated.
“Our relationship was like a candle, the flames were hot and strong but the wax was gonna run out eventually or even a simple gust of wind could’ve easily blow it all out,”
Tobio lifted his gaze from the table in front of him, opening his mouth to say something but decided against it.
Sakusa didn’t notice though, he was still looking at nothing in particular, eyes far away.
His lips move on their own, it was as if his words were being played back, his body on autopilot.
“I hate to say it but everyone was right, the two of us were too much for each other, he needs a boom to his spark, not someone who will extinguish his passion before he can even explode,”
Sakusa Kiyoomi was a smart man but he was blind.
“Not to be rude, Omi, but in my opinion, it doesn’t matter if you’re the rain and he’s a roaring house fire, being able to balance each other out is as important as being able to bring out the best in him, we’re not meant to fit to be with one type of person, Omi, we’re meant to change and grow to fit the type of person we choose to love,” Akaashi leaned forward, grabbing his cup to take a sip of his cold brew.
There was a momentary silence, Tobio looking even more agitated as the seconds pass by.
“Even then, we still broke up didn’t we? The inevitable happened,”
The germaphobe pulled down his face mask to drink his own coffee, the familiar taste of caffeine was weirdly comforting, the burning feeling of the warm beverage going down his throat was a contrast to the way his heart was being consumed by frostbites.
It had been Atsumu who melted away those ice chains keeping Kiyoomi’s heart safe, Atsumu and his conceited words, his clownery, his dumbassery, his everything.
Sakusa Kiyoomi had grown to love Miya Atsumu in the 4 years they were together and he hated it.
“How about you, Tobio? What about you and your best friend?” Ushijima turned his gaze towards the youngest of the four. He could see the way his lips trembled, the tell tale sign that Tobio had something important to say.
The setter’s blue eyes widen a bit, realizing the chance to talk was finally given to him.
“Didn’t you say you were planning to confess to Shoyo this month?”
His eyes shot down to his nervous hands, to his phone, and finally towards Sakusa’s dark eyes.
“I did but,” his voice was trembling, something that caused a spike of worry in the chest of the three.
Kageyama Tobio was not the type to show vulnerability, even towards his friends.
“But what?” Akaashi probed on, his eyebrows furrowed in worry and curiosity.
“Someone already beat me to it,” Tobio laughed bitterly, voice breaking at the end, the trembling of his lips continued on.
“Someone told Shoyo you liked hi-” Akaashi was cut off by a shake of the dark head boy’s head, “No,” it was almost a whisper.
“Someone confessed to Shoyo they liked him,” Sakusa deduced correctly, eyes narrowing.
“Who is it, Tobio?”
There was a pause, a hesitation before Tobio replied. He was clearly torn between letting them know and keeping it a secret but the way all three pairs of eyes looked at him, he eventually broke under the pressure.
“Atsumu,”
Automatically, all of their attention went back to Sakusa.
He didn’t move. He didn’t react. He stayed still.
He didn’t move a muscle.
But they knew better because behind that cold, emotionless facade were the cogs of his brain furiously turning, his thoughts were running and they weren’t stopping any time soon.
“The boom to his spark,” was the only thing Sakusa managed to say, clearing his throat and bringing his cup back towards his lips.
He could see Akaashi and Ushijima comforting Tobio who was now full on sobbing, muttering words of heartbreak, he could see them trying to calm the young boy down, occasionally speaking to Sakusa but he couldn’t hear their words, he couldn’t hear anything.
It was as if someone pressed the mute button to his ears and all he could hear were his toxic thoughts consuming him, toxic thoughts with Atsumu’s voice.
He thought he could keep this up, this facade of indifference up until the end of the day but it was proving to be quite difficult.
Looked up from his cup towards the windows beside him, gazing up at the cloudless sky.
The cerulean blue shade was exactly like the sky years ago, exactly like that day, the memory that Sakusa swears will always be with him until the day he dies.
“Munchkin, come on!” Atsumu ’s grip on Sakusa’s hand was tight as he dragged the boy with him.
It was March 20, Kiyoomi ’s birthday but it also happens to be their one year anniversary.
‘A year of putting up with his bullshit,’ Sakusa sighed internally but there was the tiniest smile on his face.
His dark eyes drank in the image of Atsumu painted by the summer rays, his brown eyes almost a glowing golden hue every time the sun hits them. He loved to watch his bleached hair be blown back by the cool summer winds, his pale skin had that sun kissed blush.
God, he was so in love and it scared him so much.
Everything about this relationship scared Kiyoomi, honestly, he didn't know how he didn’t run away when Atsumu confessed to him but there they were, on their hundredth date.
‘I think that proves just how much you love him, right? It proves that no matter how scared you are, you’d face that fear — maybe even death — just to be with him,’ Ushijima had told him once, a rare occurrence for the usually quiet boy.
“Babe, I know I’m handsome and all but could you at least want to be a little subtle with your staring?” Atsumu cut through his thoughts with that same old cocky attitude.
‘I take it back he’s a fucking idiot,’ Sakusa rolled his eyes, this action being met with the Miya’s whining.
“Did you enjoy yourself today, love?” The day was coming to a close as they sat on the shores of the beach, far away from other people, far enough that the only sounds they could hear was the sea crashing on to land, the quiet whispers of the wind, and their beating hearts.
Sakusa Kiyoomi would be lying if he said he didn 't enjoy today.
Because truthfully, he enjoys every second of every moment he spends with that idiot he calls his boyfriend.
“Yes, dumbass,” he hummed, appreciating the way the setting sun painted the sky with a picturesque palette of orange, pink, and purple. The colors reflected almost too perfectly on the clear blue waters.
“Hey, thanks for today,” Sakusa couldn ’t hold back the smile forming on his lips, eyes still looking forward.
Atsumu moved his head to look at the boy beside him in shock.
“You made falling in love less terrifying,” those words built a little moisture in the blonde ’s eyes.
Atsumu always knew his boyfriend was more of an ‘action speak louder than words’ type of person but man, did he love these moments when Kiyoomi lets him hear all those pent up poetic words.
“Happy Birthday, my shnookums!” his voice was quiet but it was loud enough to be heard by the birthday boy who let out soft laugh — the sound almost giving Atsumu a heart attack.
It sounded so sweet. So light. So ethereal.
“Happy one year anniversary, my prince charming,”
Miya Atsumu could feel his face burning up, his cheeks and ears quickly becoming a bright shade of red.
If he thought his heart was beating fast before then now It was beating so fast Atsumu almost thought it completely stopped.
‘My prince charming’ that simple possessive pronoun, that simple way his lips tugged upwards — that extraordinary way his dark eyes shined, like there was a galaxy right behind them. It all made Atsumu Miya fall in love all over again.
“You— Me— I’m—” His nervous stuttering cut short when Sakusa pressed their lips together and god was it perfect.
Atsumu couldn ’t pinpoint it but kissing him was like hearing the soft tapping of rain on a cold rainy day while underneath a warm duvet with hot coco in one hand, a reverie.
It was like waking up at 9 AM in a cottage and stepping outside to gaze out at a field of sunflowers.
It was like a chilly autumn day wrapped in a thick wool sweater, the orange leaves crunching underneath your bright red converse, nose deep between a Jane Austen novel.
Home. His kisses felt like home.
“Shut up, idiot,” Sakusa broke the kiss for a split second, resting his forehead on Atsumu ’s own.
“But you’re still in love with me, either way,” The setter laughed before closing the gap between them once again.
And yes, he was right, he was still in love with that idiot no matter how much he hurt him.
“You sure you don’t want to stay at my place?” Ushijima pulled the car over in front of Sakusa’s apartment. Akaashi already took Kageyama home, the youngest boy needed to rest after an entire day of emotionally draining conversations about Hinata and life in general.
Sakusa wanted to say ‘yes, yes I don’t want to be alone right now, I don’t want to be left alone with my thoughts,’ but he only shook his head.
“I’ll be fine,”
Ushijima knew that was a lie, he saw right through his friend but he didn’t move to stop him or persuade him any more, he knew he was far too tired, emotionally and physically.
“Alright but I’ll be checking up on you later,”
The law student bid him goodbye, slightly shivering once he stepped out the car, his coat wasn’t enough to shield him from the cold night air.
Every stepped felt heavy, the key in his hands felt heavy.
Everything was heavy.
His heart felt like it dropped to his stomach.
His breathing gradually became heavier, his throat got tighter, it hurt.
It hurt a fucking lot.
The door to his apartment swung open before being slammed shut, his body taking him towards his bed, still messy, left like it had been since this morning — since the two months he left their shared home.
Burying his head in the sheets, he inhaled the scent of old spice and that distinct Atsumu smell; these were the last sheets that still smelled like him.
Sakusa promised himself that after tonight, he’d finally work on letting go and forget everything but he always procrastinated on it.
‘Just one more night,’ he’d fool himself.
Not with how vivid the memories of waking up next to Atsumu was.
How vivid the memories of his eyes closed, eyelashes kissing his cheeks, lips parted with a bit of drool down his chin, his bed hair impossibly perfect for some reason.
How vivid it was to wake up at the break of dawn, a slither of the first light of morning peaking through their thin curtains, with the love of your life right next to you, holding your hands even in their sleep.
How vivid it was to be the first thought, first sight, first name in someone’s day.
But that golden light is dimming out, now left alone in their once warm home.
That warmth left long ago.
It left along with him.
Sakusa would’ve suffocated himself using his pillow if it wasn’t for a ‘ding’ from his phone, notifying him of a text.
It took him a minute but he reached over to his night stand, begrudgingly opening the message from his constitutional law professor about some research paper that Sakusa could honestly care less about.
Closing the app, he opened Twitter out of habit.
Oikawa was making thirst tweets once again about his boyfriend, Iwaizumi. Sakusa wasn’t surprised.
Ushijima tweeted a photo of Tendou baking something.
Kageyama was tweeting sad Lany lyrics.
‘But it might take a hundred sleepless nights
To make the memories of you disappear
But right now I can't see nothing through these tears’
It read.
Sakusa liked it and dropped a reply, ‘do you really want to forget him?’
It was a question he often asked himself, and now he was directing it towards Tobio.
He continued scrolling down his timeline, mostly uninterested at the content but he had to distract himself or else his mind would be flooded once again by chocolate brown eyes.
And right under a tweet made by Bokuto, boasting about how hard working Akaashi was, was a tweet by Atsumu.
Why hasn’t he blocked him yet, again? Oh yeah, because he was too prideful to do so.
‘I love you,’ it read and attached was a picture of Hinata Shoyo.
Breathe, that’s what he told himself.
Calm down, that’s what he tried to do.
Another ding broke the painful silence of the room.
And then another ding and then another.
‘Did you see it?’ from Akaashi.
Of course he fucking did.
‘That asshole,’ from Ushijima.
Damn right he was.
‘It hurts so much it feels like my lungs are gonna die on me,’ from Kageyama.
It did hurt.
It did hurt, more than anything.
Because breaking up after a mature talk between two adults? Reasonable, understandable but for someone to leave you because they found someone new? That’s the worst betrayal of all.
Sakusa didn’t know what to feel; anger? Betrayal? Sadness? What?
These past few weeks have been nothing but a blurry haze, his chest empty almost as if his heart was ripped right out of his chest.
Sakusa knew this feeling very well, it was similar to those days when his depression and anxiety got the better of him. The days before Atsumu came to him.
It was as if Aphrodite cursed him to feel nothing but this cold emptiness and now there was so much emotions trying to claw at him it made him dizzy.
There was so much emotion that he couldn’t feel anything, just staring at the screen in front of him.
No, instead of lashing out, instead of making a scene, instead of making vague subtweets, all his tired body can muster up to do was put his phone on silent, put it down, and hide himself underneath his blanket, not even bothering to change clothes.
All he could do was cover his mouth with his hands as he sobbed, as he cried himself to sleep.
The tears didn’t stop, it couldn’t stop.
This was a different kind of hurt now, it was a numbing kind of hurt.
This pain started in his chest and spread towards his finger tips, it consumed every inch of his being until there was nothing but Atsumu.
Long after his mind slips into unconsciousness, he was still haunted by that boy; was faith pulling a cruel prank on him? Hindering him from being in a state of peace even for 8 hours?
He was haunted by the very second Atsumu broke his promises.
It was supposed to be a normal day, another day of classes and never ending homework and research and essays. Another day of waiting for Atsumu to come home from volleyball practice, hearing about his and Bokuto ’s antics.
Today wasn ’t supposed to end like this, they weren’t supposed to end.
Sakusa didn ’t really know the fight started but it didn’t matter if they were at the middle of a war of hearts.
“You’re so insufferable, Kiyoomi!”
“How am I insufferable when you’re the childish one? Why can’t you just fucking do the simplest things I ask of you?”
“I’m trying my best to understand your side here, Kiyoomi but not everyone is as obsessive with cleaning as you are,”
“Here’s a tldr, Miya Atsumu — I can’t just turn off my mysophobia,”
“You’re so unbearable,” Atsumu turned around, hands combing through his hair in frustration.
Sakusa leaned against a wall, arms crossed, trying to grasp at the strings of his quickly disappearing patience.
“Why can’t you just fucking take your pills and go to therapy?” That hit a nerve.
“I am! I fucking am! I’m trying so hard to become better, Atsumu, you out of all people should know this!” Sakusa finally screamed, he didn ’t really care if their neighbors heard them anymore.
Atsumu knew of his clinical depression and anxiety were sensitive topics, he knew not to bring them up but still he decided to let his mouth run and for what?
“Then why are you still like this? I thought I could fix you!”
The air was a thick, silence settling between them.
Atsumu held his glare while Sakusa took a minute to finally let the words sink in.
“You can’t fix a person, that’s not how it works,” he said quietly and slowly.
“You can’t fix me like some broken porcelain doll, I’m a human and I have my flaws, why are you forcing this…this ideal vision you have of me? I can’t be that perfect Kiyoomi in your head,”
“I’m only doing it because I love you, Kiyoomi, I want you to be the best version of you that you can be,”
“If you really do love me then why can’t you understand I can’t just magically make myself be normal? That I can't just turn off all of these issues? It doesn't work like that, , Tsumu, You know I have so much on my plate right now,” Sakusa was so close to tears but he held it in, he refused to cry. He would never let Atsumu see him cry.
“Then let’s break up,”
“What?” Sakusa blinked.
“Let’s break up; you’ve turned into a liability,”
A liability.
Sakusa gulped.
“Fine,” his voice wavered, those words more painful than expected.
To be called a liability. God, was that a fucking hit to the heart.
“If you can’t keep understanding me or at least try to, if you can’t put up with my depression and my mysophobia — if you can’t put up with me then leave, leave and never fucking come back,”
“Fuck, I shouldn’t have confessed my feelings to you earlier if I knew you were gonna be this harmful to me,” Atsumu left quietly but still, Sakusa heard those words.
So now he was a liability and toxic?
He knew he was too much, that he was high maintenance but he didn ’t mean to be toxic, he didn’t mean to be harmful to the only boy he’ll ever love.
All he wanted was happiness, all he wanted was unconditional love but instead this is what he got.
The sound of the front door being slammed shut brought Sakusa back into reality, eyes finally leaking of tears, his knees giving up on him.
And for the first time in forever, he cried.
He cried that night and he almost thought his tears would never stop.
The one person that kept him alive, the one person that promised to never leave was now gone.
Gone because of him.
He did everything for him.
He broke his own rules for Atsumu Miya and in the end it brought nothing but harm for the both of them.
If this is love, Sakusa Kiyoomi doesn ’t want it.
Sakusa slowly stirred awake, his head hurt so much but not as much as his heart.
Wiping his eyes, he looked up at the plain white ceiling, the memories of last night coming back, it was almost like there was a projector and the memories played on the ceiling.
And finally the dream or more like, the memory of their breakup came back to mind.
‘It’s too early to be crying,’ Sakusa reached over his phone, ignoring the messages from his friends.
He caught sight of Hinata’s name in his notifications and a few ‘I’m sorry’s’ and ‘forgive me’ but again, his pride stopped him from reading the whole thing, choosing to clear his notifications instead.
His fingers hovered over the twitter icon, hesitating to press it.
He just knew for a fact that their face and tweets would be all over the timeline and so, he chose to open Instagram instead, knowing he could waste an hour or two on the explore page.
The first post that was presented to him was a picture of Kageyama, he had just posted it last night.
The setter was in his large gray sweater, bangs covering his face as he looked out the car window.
‘I gave you my sweater, it’s just polyester but you like him better,’
Sakusa knew about this peculiar gray sweater.
The sweater that originally belonged to Kageyama would be passed on to Hinata and then back to him and it went on—it was an adorable little tradition between the two boys.
They had also recently started this tradition with each other’s scarves.
They were adorable but Aphrodite was cruel, way too cruel.
He continued to scroll down, stopping to like and comment on a photo Kiyoko had posted with Tanaka, celebrating their 6th anniversary.
Everyone else seemed to be so in love except for him and Tobio.
Bored, he opened the camera to post a story but quickly he was reminded of this trend he had seen on twitter the other day.
‘Should I really do this?’
Sakusa Kiyoomi was a big masochist and a hypocrite but he didn’t really care as he posted on his ‘close friends’ story an old picture of Atsumu and him holding hands with a question box.
‘Make It Hurt,’ he typed.
Closing his phone, he finally got up to change out of his clothes and take a shower.
It was so unlike him to sleep without cleaning himself up first, he felt disgusted at the sweat making his clothes cling to his body. He only just realized he didn’t even turn on the AC last night.
Love made you stupid but heartbreak made you reckless.
The warm water ran down his soft curly locks and towards his back — he could feel Atsumu’s fingers running down his back, to his waist, holding them softly.
Sakusa sighed, turning his face up as the heat of the water kissed his skin, just like Atsumu’s lips on his neck, occasionally pulling away to whisper sweet nothings in his ear.
“My sweet baby,” he’d lick a strip up his earlobes.
Sakusa quickly opened his eyes, snapping himself out of the twisted fantasy he found himself in.
“Snap out of it, Kiyoomi,” he groaned hitting his head on the tiled walls.
When will Atsumu Miya get out of his head? Eventually he’ll need to move on and heal, Sakusa knows that but how can he do that when every turn and every thing he does, all he can remember is the guy that broke his promises?
Stepping out the shower in nothing but a towel, Sakusa pushed back his wet hair as he glanced over at his calender — mid-term break.
Good. He has the chance to cry all he wants without anybody asking him why.
He looked over at his phone, deciding against checking the replies he got.
He has 70 or so people in his close friends list so he’s probably got a few responses already.
Finally dressed in a clean white shirt and gray sweatpants, he grabbed his phone and went straight to the kitchen.
Stirring his morning coffee, Sakusa opened his phone at last.
‘How did you two meet?’
Sakusa found himself fondly smiling at the question sent by one his friends from Itachiyama.
‘I knew him from high school from all thosr volleyball tournaments we had but I officially met him at Starbucks in our 3rd year of college, it was pretty crowded so he had asked to sit with me and I immediately recognized him and the rest is history,’
The background was their first official picture from that faithful day.
He could still remember Atsumu’s order that day.
Mocha frappuccino, 4 pumps of toffee nut syrup, soy milk, whip with mocha drizzle.
“ Tastes just like Reece’s pieces,” Atsumu excitedly told him when asked what he was drinking.
‘Since day one, he’s always been such a hyper dumbass,’ Sakusa chuckled dryly, taking his cup of coffee to sit outside his balcony.
Inhaling the scent of morning dew, the sun just starting to rise, he looked down again to answer more questions.
‘How long did you two last?’
This one was from Oikawa.
‘4 years and would’ve been 5 this year but we both gave up,’
He chose to use the last picture they ever took together, in their matching gucci hoodies.
Why was he such a masochist?
‘Favorite memory of him?’
Asked Sugawara.
‘When I first got into law school 3 years ago, he started calling me Atty. Or Atty. Sakusa, sometimes even Atty. Miya and it just…it somehow always takes away my fatigue,’
Sakusa found himself smiling at all those times Atsumu called him ‘Atty. Sakusa,’ even though he’d remind the boy he was still pursuing professional Volleyball.
“Wow, my shnookums is going to be a lawyer and a pro-volleyball player at the same time?”
He used a candid picture of Atsumu, right after it was announced he got into law school.
He looked so proud.
Sakusa doesn’t know why he’s doing this to himself, why he’s letting himself be drowned in this mixed feeling of heartbreak and pure adoration at the person who caused it.
He was about to answer the next question when he felt the need to add something to the last one.
‘It was always like a reminder that I’ll get through this, and that I’ll obtain that title as long as I don’t give up. All those times where I almost lost hope, he was always there to cheer me on, so I’ll keep on fighting,’
‘For him,’
He deleted that last line.
Too much, he thought.
‘Did you go on dates together?’
From Tendou.
Sakusa sighed, immediately remembering that hundredth date.
‘Of course. He took me on dates every time he saw an opportunity to, even if it was a simple Mcdonald’s date at 10 PM. My favorite one was when we went to Palawan for our first anniversary and my birthday.
It was beautiful.
He was beautiful, ’
Atsumu would always be beautiful in Sakusa’s eyes, even when he witnessed all his ugly, unlovable sides, the sides of him that he’d never let the world see.
‘One word to describe him’
Oh that was easy to answer.
‘Bittersweet,’
He didn’t offer an explanation, he didn’t have to.
Atsumu was like hoping for a happy ending that the author snatched right under your nose. He was like waiting for a train station for hours on end. He was like sleeping in a cold room with thousands of duvets.
Loving Atsumu was destruction but it was also healing.
Loving Atsumu was figuring out he wasn’t this perfect image he portrayed, that there were flaws beneath that smile but it was also finding a newer side to yourself, it was finding interest in something you never thought you’d enjoy, it was learning how to live in the moment.
Other people are boring and Atsumu was a burning house Sakusa would willingly live in.
‘Did he make you happy?’
Was that even a question?
‘Always have and always will. He was the light to such a boring world. He brought this golden glow to my monochrome life. He introduced me to so many things I never realized I could love because of my stupid fears. I love him more than anything.’
Sakusa could never ask for anything more.
He wasn’t just enough, he was more than enough.
No word in any language would be adequate to describe how perfect he was.
‘Why did you two break up?’
And there it is, the question that everyone expected to appear.
‘We were too much for each other.
I love him, trust me, I really do, so much that words can ’t even describe how much. But I couldn’t keep up. Maybe not with how I am right now. That’s why when we broke up, I finally decided to better myself. To improve,’
Like Akaashi said, we’re meant to change and grow to fit the type of person we choose to love and Sakusa is trying his best to grow into that person that Atsumu deserved.
‘What are you wishing for?’
It was Ushijima that sent this question.
‘I hope fate lets our paths cross once more in the future. By then, I’ll be better. By then, I’ll be enough for him, deserving of him. By then, I’ll be strong enough and I won’t give up on him anymore,’
It was cruel, to find the right person at the wrong time.
Again, loving him was like waiting for a train for hours upon hours only to realize you were waiting at the wrong station.
People were always quick to ask Sakusa why he was with Atsumu, why the perfect ace chose to be with this chaotic setter but in reality, Sakusa was the lucky one, he was the one who snatched a perfect setter.
‘Do you still love him?’
Sakusa knew it was dangerous to answer this question but it was almost like his fingers were moving on their own.
His brain was screaming stop but his heart was screaming go on.
‘Infinitely,’
That was only a one word answer but he hoped it sent the message of how much he still loves him.
Sakusa Kiyoomi still loves Miya Atsumu so much.
It was a curse, to still have feelings for someone who’s already moved on to another.
Sakusa tried so hard to be enough, to be good enough but in the end Atsumu still replaced him but why? Why doesn’t he hate him? Why can’t he hate him?
It was like being addicted to smoking — you know, you know it’s bad for you but still you continue on with this self destructive habit because it’s satisfying, it’s fulfilling but at the same time it’s unpleasant, it’s terrible, it’s pathetic.
And then he did something stupid, something so immensely stupid you’d think his account was hacked — he took a screenshot of Atsumu’s tweet of Hinata and posted it on his story with the caption ‘But he doesn’t anymore,’
I love you above a picture of Hinata smiling so brightly, so brightly it rivaled Atsumu’s own.
Just looking at Sakusa’s icon — dark, mysterious, grungey, his dark hair framing his face in a way that only he could pull off — and comparing it to Hinata’s crazy bright orange hair, charming smile, and colorful everything, Kiyoomi understands why he picked that shrimp over him.
That’s enough for today, he finally turned off his phone just as a loud knock on his front door.
“Who the fuck is here at…” Sakusa glanced towards his kitchen clock.
“At seven in the morning,” He quickly put on a face mask and hesitantly unlocked the door, finding his friends — Akaashi, Ushijima, Kageyama along with Bokuto and Tendou — standing right before him.
“What are you doing here?” He bluntly asked them who only laughed lightly.
“We can’t have a sleepover with our dearly beloved Kiyoomi?” Tendou wrapped an arm around the boy.
Sakusa stared at him for a minute then back at everyone standing at the front door.
“Is this because of my instagram storie-”
“Let’s just act like this is more for Tobio than for the both of you,” Akaashi cut him off, gentle smile plastered on his pretty face.
"Might I remind you that you haven't answered our messages either,”
And that’s how it went for over a year, his friends constantly doting on him and Tobio, making sure they were loved and cared for.
In the blink of an eye, Sakusa Kiyoomi was standing at his graduation, being awarded MVP and in his hands, the degree that he promised he’d get.
He worked so hard for this degree and he was proud of himself but there was something missing and deep down he knew it was the empty space beside him. It was the lack of hands holding his own but he ignored it. This was no time to long for someone who probably hasn’t thought of you for almost two years.
“You do know you can mute their accounts right?” Kageyama sat down beside Sakusa, sipping on his freshly opened carton of milk.
“Huh?”
“You’ve been complaining non stop about those two being in your TL all the time,”
“Oh,”
It wasn’t like Atsumu even tried to reach out to him to even keep a friendship but Hinata was still Kageyama’s best friend, so he still got involuntary updates on him either way.
“You’re such a martyr,” Sakusa commented one day, noticing Tobio’s mood becoming sour at a text he had received. It was Hinata apologising, he couldn't be there for their weekly movie nights because of a date with Atsumu.
“As long as Shoyo is happy, I’m happy, I’m gonna be okay,”
“But you’re not,”
Kiyoomi had a choice of either going straight into studying for the board exams or take a break but he chose a third option, an option he always promised someone he’d choose.
He started his professional volleyball career.
And that’s how he found himself standing in front of Bokuto, Atsumu and Hinata, wearing the same uniform as them.
“This is Sakusa, our new outside hitter, the player Bokuto recommended,” Their coach introduced him but half of the team already knew who he was.
“He’s great guys! He was awarded MVP just last month at his graduation,” Bokuto might love to boast about his achievements but he loved boasting about his friends much more.
“What’d you study?” A libero asked.
“Law and before you ask, yes I’m not taking the board exam right away, If I have to read one more damn court document I’m going to tear my hair out,” Sakusa stood high, his figure straight and chin high but at the same time calm, pulling his face mask down to talk properly.
He definitely got more talkative, Atsumu thought to himself, noticing just how much his ex changed.
He knew he wasn't allow d to feel proud after what he did but damn was Atsumu proud. He knew more than anyone in that room just how hard Kiyoomi worked to graduate law.
He knew he left abruptly but all he wanted was to run up to Kiyoomi and hug him and congratulate him for finally reaching his dreams — because deep down, this was also Atsumu's dream, to watch Kiyoomi's late night studying and his last minute cramming finally pay off.
“You got taller, Shoyo, I thought Tobio was kidding when he said you grew,” Sakusa turned an eye to the said boy who had sparkles in his orbs when he realized the intimidating player wasn’t resentful of him even after what had happened years ago.
Atsumu cringed at the mention of Tobio and Sakusa definitely noticed this, it’s been a long time since they last saw each other but they still knew each other’s ticks and the slightest reaction from the other were easily caught.
“We need to talk-”
“We need to talk-”
Atsumu and Hinata faced each other, the same sentence escaping their lips.
“You…you first,” Hinata nervously laughed.
Atsumu looked down, to the right, to anything but at his boyfriend.
“Shoyo I— I recently just realized something and I’m…I’m sorry but I don’t think we’re working out,”
“I was just about to say that too,” this shocked Atsumu.
“Really?”
“Yeah, I just realized that, that I’ve been looking for someone that’s not you and I feel so guilty for it, knowing you’re my boyfriend and all but…but you’re not the person I look for first thing in the morning nor are you the person I think of before I sleep,”
Atsumu had a knowing smile on his face.
“It’s Tobio, isn’t it?”
“How’d you know?” Hinata started fidgeting, a blush on his tan face.
“It’s kinda obvious, ya know? The way you look at him and all, the way you always point at something that reminds you of him, how you always buy me milk even though you know I don’t really drink fresh milk that much,”
Hinata ’s face was now bright red and he was about to open his mouth but Atsumu didn’t stop talking.
“And I realized that’s how I am too — I’m always looking for curly black hair and this specific smell of alcohol and air freshener, how I’m always bringing tissue everywhere for you even though you don’t really use them that much,” Atsumu laughed quietly.
“I think we just thought we were in love because we spent so much time with each other, being team mates and all, we fooled ourselves into thinking we were each other’s perfect match when we all know we just used each others to fill this holes in our heart, that we just used each others as substitute for someone else,”
Hinata was stunned, bright brown eyes staring up at the usually chaotic setter.
“Ah— are you Osamu? I didn’t know you could be so serious!”
Their chests felt light, like a huge weight was lifted off their shoulders.
Atsumu knew they were never meant to be because they broke up but there was no pain, his heart wasn ’t jumping out his chest just like when he broke up with Sakusa.
Hinata knew they were never meant to be because there was no ugly crying, no screaming, no breakdowns just like when he had his first fight with Kageyama back in high school.
“And that’s how we broke up, if you can even call it that,” Atsumu finished telling the entire story to Sakusa as they stood outside, staring at the night sky together.
Together.
It’s been so long since they’ve even had a decent conversation.
“I know, Tobio told me, I just wanted your side of the story,” Sakusa buried his hands deeper into his jacket’s pocket.
“Oh,” Was the only thing Atsumu would mutter.
“I still love you, no doubt but you hurt me,”
“I know,”
“You hurt me when you knew just how much it scared me to even be willing to give you a glimpse of my heart,”
“I know,”
“And yet, here I am, still willing to give you a chance,”
Just like that sunset in Palawan, Atsumu looks at Sakusa in shock while the latter stares up at the heavenly bodies above them.
“Because Ushiwaka once told me that being able to face my fear, to surrender my every being to you, is proof just how much I love you,”
Atsumu could see the stars reflecting off his eyes, just like before.
God, he could never get enough of looking into those orbs and seeing an entire universe behind them, seeing constellations and moons and suns swimming in them.
“Can we continue from where we last left off?” The setter was uncharacteristically timid, waiting for the answer that could make or break them.
“No,”
Fuck.
“But we can start over,” That same simple smile was once again on Sakusa’s soft lips, the same smile that Atsumu loved to look at and admire, it was so small and was barely noticeable to the untrained eye but he knew Sakusa enough to see it.
Sakusa moved his head to finally look back at the beaming boy.
“Let’s go,” Atsumu took the ace’s cold hands from his jacket, holding it and effortlessly warming him up.
Just like old times, Atsumu would always hold his hands, to provide warmth to Sakusa who always seemed to be freezing cold.
“To where?”
“To Starbucks,” Sakusa immediately knew where this was going.
“Do you even still remember my order?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Easy, Cool lime refresher made with coconut milk — no water — topped with passion tea,” Atsumu recited it with ease, as if it was his name or birthday.
“Do you still remember mine?” Atsumu teased. Oh yeah, that little make it hurt thing? It got spread around their friend circle, conflicting reports would say it was either Nishinoya or Lev who sent screenshots to the others but it’s just that no one really brings it up — Sakusa is scary when he’s mad.
“Of course I still remember your disgustingly sweet order, dumbass.” He was starting to sound like Kageyama now.
“Come on, Shnookums! I can’t wait!” Sakusa rolled his eyes, letting the energetic boy drag him along with intertwined hands.
They were both enough now. They were both more than enough. Because they chose to grow and become the perfect fit for each other. Like a two pieced puzzle.
To say Sakusa Kiyoomi was scared of love would be a gross understatement.
But to say he wasn't completely and utterly in love with Miys Atsumu would be a crime.