Archive of Our Own ^beta

JANUARY

Last year, we watched the fireworks together. Tonight, Jimin insisted that we sleep through New Year's instead. I didn't want to, but I joined him for a while before I got up and wrote this instead.

He's been getting moody lately. We're supposed to celebrate another year of us together, but I suppose neither of us can't be bothered anymore.

I'm watching the fireworks right now.

They're pretty.

He didn't eat breakfast, although he took a picture of us and went straight to work. I wanted to give him a goodbye kiss, like we used to, but he was gone before I could even tell him to be careful.

Writing songs is getting repetitive lately. I don't want to think about why I can't write a single word for weeks now because if I do, I'll just blame myself and him.

I don't want to blame him for anything.

It's a good day today. Jimin joined me for a bath. He doesn't do that anymore, not since he got accepted at his workplace. I think he works as a fashion model now. I'm not sure, we don't talk much lately.

He told me he loves me and asked me to give him a blowjob. I wasn't in the mood, so I used my hand instead. He never asks for those things anymore and I want to give it to him even though I'm not fully in the moment.

I love him.

Namjoon called me over at the agency. Jungkook's set to have a comeback next month and everyone's deep into the production and promotion. It's exhausting, but it's infinitely better than having to argue with Jimin about the damn detergent. I don't even understand why he's so fucking irritable these days. I try not to make the issue worse, but he always finds something to complain about.

I hope he I just don't know what to do about him sometimes.

My schedule has been hectic. I barely had time to eat (it's only thanks to Hoseok that I'm alive and functioning until now). 

I spend more time in the studio than in the house. Before, that would be enough for Jimin to go here and drag me by the ear, but now he just texted me, asking when I'll go back.

He doesn't even tell me to take care anymore.

The month is ending in a flash. I hope February is easier. I don't remember the last time I enjoyed being at home. It's either I'm too tired to stay awake for more than a few hours or Jimin isn't around anyway, too busy with his career to maybe remember he's living with somebody.

It's okay though. Work is good to me. It can at least take my mind off of things that I don't want to think about.

I have many goals I want to achieve this year, but I didn't write them down for a change so I won't be disappointed if I fail. Jimin had always said he wanted to go to France. I want to take him there on our anniversary. Maybe it would bring us close again.

I haven't had high hopes since New Year's. I suppose I should be more thankful because no matter how complicated my relationship gets, my professional life continues to prosper. At least that's one thing I'm not worrying about.

FEBRUARY

A repeating seesaw seesaw game

Now I’m sick of it, sick of it

He's drunk and this guy Taehyung had to drop him off here. I don't even fucking know this dude and he has his disgusting arms all over my fiancé.

I'm jealous fuck.What's worse is that Taehyung doesn't seem to know Jimin's taken. He even kissed my fiancé on the cheek and told me to take care of him. FUCK. LIKE HE HAS THE RIGHT TO SAY THAT. LIKE THAT'S NOT WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING SINCE DAY ONE. 

Jimin is passed out on the couch. I don't want to drag him here in the bedroom. I can't look at him anymore. I'm so tired of him sleepy and I don't want to deal with this tonight.

He's not wearing his ring.

He just started screaming when I went to grab his phone.

Hoseok asked me to have dinner with him and Namjoon. He said I should bring Jimin. He asked me about the date of the wedding. I shrugged and said we're working on it.

I don't know either.

Jimin climbed to bed and kissed me. I was in a foul mood the whole day because this particular track isn't turning out to be something I like, but the moment he straddled me and nipped at my neck, I couldn't explain how relieved I felt. It's been a long time since he initiated anything sexual. It felt good. It felt so good to have him like that that I didn't even mind when he said he wanted to fuck me this time.

I told him I love him. His ring dug into my hip a dozen times, yet I barely noticed. It was amazing to have him so close again, to feel him deep inside my muscles, to feel the ache every time I move my bones.

He fucked me so hard and I liked it. I don't know if we'll ever do that again any time soon, but I'm going to hold onto what he made me feel tonight before I forget again.

Namjoon and I ate in this fancy restaurant today. We're celebrating after finishing more than half of Jungkook's album.

It's a great day.

Sometimes I wake up and think about the things I still want to do. These days, I'm lost and it's frustrating because I don't think I should be having a midlife crisis right now. Not when life is kind to me compared to what others have to experience.

Still, I want to travel more. I want to learn how to draw. I want to finish another degree, maybe. I want to get married. I want to try going to therapy to practice being more optimistic. Namjoon gave me a calling card of the one he's consulting with. He said Jimin and I should go together, for a healthier relationship.

I didn't question why he thought we needed counseling for our relationship because I agree I know what we seem like from an outsider's perspective. It's okay.

I want to be okay.

Jimin woke me up with breakfast in bed. He even texted me throughout the day, sending selcas and stickers.

I gave him the chocolates he likes when I got home. He kissed me and we made love on the couch. After that, we took a bath together and talked for hours while sipping champagne.

Maybe there's hope after all.

I got home later than usual because of the meeting for Jungkook's comeback.

Jimin was crying.

He screamed at me when I tried to comfort him, babbling about how much he hates me.

I'm on the couch right now. I'm scared. I don't know what to do to help him.

Jimin hasn't talked to me for two days now.

A repeating seesaw seesaw game

Now I’m sick of it, sick of it

A repeating seesaw seesaw game

We’re getting tired, tired of each other

Hoseok asked me when Jimin would join our sad trio of producers.

I'm running out of excuses.

Somebody left flowers for me at the reception desk. A bouquet of carnations. I never liked flowers, but I took them because it made me feel less shitty about myself.

I stared at my computer for five hours straight. I don't want to go home.

MARCH

The whole morning was lazy. It was my day off so I cleaned the house a bit. It's alarming how messy our place is ever since Jimin stopped cleaning. I don't know when he stopped and why. I don't want to question it anymore.

I cooked dinner in hopes we could eat together for a change. I waited for three hours before I couldn't take it anymore and I had to reheat the food.

I think I'm sleeping alone again.

Jimin tried to cook breakfast. He saw me walk in the kitchen and he left so fast.

I'm so tired.

Fuck.

Sometimes I look at Jimin and wonder where I fucked up.

Jimin woke me up at 12 to greet me for my birthday. I almost forgot because we used to watch horror movies until my birthday rolls around, even though we just always ended up having sex anyway.

But he kissed me all over to wake me up today. We didn't fuck. He just held me tight and whispered he loved me. Somehow, I think it was the best thing I've gotten from him in the last months.

When I got home from work, Namjoon, Hoseok, and Jungkook were all waiting in the living room. Jimin wiped cake on my cheek and kissed me.

It felt like happiness.

Something's weird. Can't pinpoint it, but my heart is beating so hard right now all of a sudden. I'm scared. I'm sure everything's fine.

I woke up a while ago for no reason. It's 2 AM right now. Jimin didn't come home. I know this because there's no trace of the scented candles he likes to light up during weekends.

He isn't answering his phone. I want to call his employer but I realized I don't have a way to contact them.

Something's wrong I can't fall back to sleep.

He's dead.

It's been exactly two weeks since he died. Everybody was telling me to talk about it, to face it. They said what I'm doing is unhealthy. I think it's because I didn't cry at the funeral. I didn't even cry when the hospital called me. But I did. I was walking to my car and my knees gave out and I couldn't stop crying They said I'm shutting down so I'm writing right now to prove that I'm not. I'm not. I'm okay I'm okay it doesn't hurt.

What I don't tell them is that talking about it It. It. Like his death is just a fucking conversation starter does not help whatsoever. He's gone. Nobody gives a fuck about what I feel. He's gone. Words won't bring him back. Words can't bring him back.

I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it because it just hurts doesn't do anything but waste brain space. I'm okay. He's just gone. 

I can't smell him in the house anymore.

People have been asking me why I refuse to say his name.

I don't tell them it's because there's always a lump in my throat whenever I try to.

I've been sleeping on the couch. It's weird because sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and think I'm smelling those damned scented candles.

Today I found our liquor collection.

I miss him. I miss him so much. It feels empty without him.

Woke up with a hangover was hoping I wouldn't see the sun today and ever again . I never knew I'm the kind of person who still writes when drunk.

I'm pathetic.

APRIL

Jungkook invited me to his comeback party. I only went because there's alcohol.

My head hurts. I can barely see what I'm writing. I burned my finger trying to light his candles. It smells good now. I feel heady, but I can feel him. He's here. He's here and he's not he's not stop pretending because he's not coming back.

I'm scared of going to sleep. I'm scared because I know when I wake up, he'll leave again.

Why did you leave?

Taehyung came over. I punched him.

Namjoon said writing helps. He knows I won't go to his stupid therapist anymore not when I'm alone now. He told me writing everything down will help. I don't believe it. I don't believe it I want to but I'm doing it anyway because it's not like I have better things to do.

So this is how he died.

He ate dinner with Taehyung after their shoot. This Seokjin guy (he was at the funeral but I didn't talk to him and I didn't care) convinced them to go to a bar. The doctor said he wasn't pissed drunk, but he was tipsy enough.

Enough to fucking leave me.

He was forced to walk home because Taehyung ended up making out with Seokjin in the car. The witnesses said he was waiting to cross the street when a kid started running in the middle of the road.

The truck hit him instead.

He pushed himself in harm's way to save that child. That stupid child.

Everybody said he was a good man, that he died with purpose. That he was kind and noble. That he was a hero.

I think he was a fool.

I hate you. I hate you so much.

I love you. Please come back.

MAY

Work work. They fucking forced me to take a break. I can do it. I can still fucking do it but nobody believes fuck I don't understand.

He had always believed in me. He never made me feel shitty for being me. Fuck, where is he? It's been so long since I last saw him.

I miss him. I'm wearing his clothes. I used his shampoo and lotion. I smell like him, but it's not enough because it's not him.

I miss him so much.

There’s no such thing as beautiful goodbyes

So just begin now

Woo take it easy, slowly cut out my heart

Step on the pieces that were broken apart

So no other feelings will remain

Hoseok came over to clean the house.

Namjoon came over three days later. I actually didn't realize time passed by that fast. It seemed like it was only yesterday that I'm not living alone in this goddamn houseHoseok bombarded me.

I tried to push Namjoon away. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore, not when all I see is that pathetic pity in their eyes, but he barged in our the bedroom and opened the drawers until he found the Ziploc bag from the hospital. He threw it at me and left.

The bag is placed beside my arm right now. It's painful to look at so I pretend like it isn't there. I know what's inside anyway, I can identify the items with eyes closed. A ring, a watch, a phone, a pair of earrings the ones I gave on his birthday last year, and a cracked phone.

I don't want to open it.

I opened the bag. It's sitting right there and I miss him. I wore his ring on my middle finger because he has always had chubby fingers. I wore his watch too.

I turned on his phone but there's liquid in my eyes and I couldn't see anything.

I breathe in and I can smell him. 

Somebody's knocking. My head hurts and I don't want to open the door.

Fuck. Fuck, it's Namjoon. He's screaming. He's screaming and I'm shaking. He's pounding on the bedroom door now. I don't want to let him in. I don't want to oh shit he's here fuck I—

Come to think of it, he's always been sad since this year started.

I guess I'll never find out why anymore.

JUNE

I ran out of scented candles. It's the only reason why I left the house at all. The shop was nearby and we had always gone there for the same product. The sun blinded me and the calendar said it's been a week since the last time anybody came over. That's weird, it felt like a day.

They didn't have the kind he liked in stock. I wanted to scream. The cashier asked me where my boyfriend was.

It's a wonder how I got home in one piece when I could barely feel my knees.

For some reason, I started breaking things. I accidentally stepped on a broken plate and that made me angrier so I threw more ceramics on the floor.

My hands are bleeding. There are red fingerprints around the neck of the bottle of tequila beside me.

Nobody really understands anymore, because they're not you and they don't know what to do when I'm a mess. I'm always a mess these days. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

I wish we didn't take each other for granted.

I wish you were here.

I miss you.

Jimin Jimin Jimin Jimin Jimin. Jimin. Jimin. Jimin. Jimin. My Jimin.

Park Jimin.

I love you.

Cleaning up is a bitch.

I ’ll just drink adequately and sleep,

the sleep is not coming to me anyway

I’ll just worry about tomorrow’s work tomorrow,

fuck I don’t care

I pass the time by staring at the hands of Jimin's watch. The ticking helps me sleep.

Today, I saw you. You were smiling. Beautiful. Perfect. You wrapped me in your arms and held me for the longest time.

I asked where you've been. You said you never left. I called you a liar, because if you never left then why am I alone? Why do I miss you?

But you looked so pretty, skin unblemished and not covered in red. I told you I love you. You didn't respond. I said I want to be with you.

You pushed me away and shook your head.

I woke up. I was crying. It was a dream.

Jimin.

S ometimes, I wonder.

Pretty gorgeous need you yes like this hold me please it hurts I'm sorry I'm sorry I love you please don't leave I need you sorry sorry sorry fuck so sorry jimin jimin jimin jimin.

I broke things again. Hoseok kept calling and I only answered because I ran out of alcohol.

Namjoon stopped coming.

JULY

My phone told me it's July today. I remembered something important, something I kept forgetting because of the alcohol.

I charged his phone and waited. Jungkook visited and he ordered pizza for us. He didn't comment about the dirty laundry scattered about the house, or the lack of plates, or the way I stank.

He told me about his work, his plans, his fans. He said Hoseok and Namjoon were planning to get married. Jungkook didn't force me to talk, didn't even check if I were listening. No, he just kept talking and talking and talking with that soft tone.

For the first time, the house didn't feel too empty.

His phone felt heavy in my hand. The bottle of tequila was half empty beside me on the floor and it was the only reason why I had the guts to turn on the phone in the first place.

Our picture greeted me with a smile. My face was cracked because of the screen, but it was a pretty photo nonetheless. Orange and mint. We took it two years ago, in Busan, when we visited his family for Chuseok. The sea was barely visible in the background, his arm slung around me with his cheek mushed against mine.

It was a good day.

I took another swig of tequila before opening his Twitter account. I never understood his fixation on the virtual world, but I respected it. He has an account for this Kpop group he liked, another for his modeling career, and a last one for private stuff. For Us stuff.

I deactivated all of them.

I went through his Tumblr, Line, Email, and Pinterest. It was easy to delete his accounts because I was as good as drunk.

Instagram was the last one. For a moment, I hesitated. He had always loved that thing. Always taking pictures, always posting videos. 

There were two profiles logged in. I scrolled through his posts on his professional one. A million followers. No wonder he never put down his phone. Clean shots and professional studios. It was Little Mr. Perfect Park Jimin.

I didn't delete the account. I didn't want to delete him. I clicked on the other profile, which had a black icon and Minimini as the displayed name. No followers and following, just a mysterious private account. Still, I scrolled through it, too.

I dropped the phone.

Jimin, why?

There's puke on the floor near the bathroom. I'm so hungry, but my body only accepts the alcohol.

His phone is still open on the Instagram profile and I can't look away.

I think I'm going to die.

We were supposed to get married.

I 'm drowning. Nobody told me it felt this good.

Jungkook found me. I only knew because he was screaming so loudly. Apparently I looked dead. I'm in the hospital right now. Malnutrition and substance poisoning. Funny how life works for me huh.

Jungkook never stayed long, mainly because he's a superstar and he's already doing too much for me just by giving his time. He cried and told me to take care of myself.

I wish I could.

Tomorrow will come and go again

I, who’s like this, and you, who’s like that,

we just endure through the day, I guess

It was a private Instagram account dedicated to our relationship. The oldest post was from a year ago, back when I proposed to him. Just a picture of his finger and the ring with a caption of "To continue our forever".

There are 405 posts in total. Just me and him. Those pictures he used to take when we ate out, the selfies he insisted to snap during our baths. Me sleeping. Me cooking. Me glaring at him.

Me, me, me.

There's more though. Pictures of wedding cakes, of matching suits. A photo of wedding rings.

The pain almost physically crippled me.

He was going to give me a surprise wedding.

I got discharged today. Jungkook brought Hoseok and they both accompanied me to the supermarket.

The house was clean, like someone actually lives there.

All the alcohol bottles are gone.

It's the first time that I'm this lucid for two days straight. I'm shaking. I want a drink. Want to drown in tequila fuck fuck it hurts it hurts.

Hoseok comes every day to check if I've been drinking again. He doesn't say it, but I know he's disgusted.

I don't say it, but I am too.

I called Jungkook and begged him to bring me any liquor.

He hung up on me.

"Hello, hyung! I've been preparing this account for a year now. We're gonna get married soon, don't worry! You always write in that journal of yours and I wanted to do something like that too, so I made this for us! I've been busy, I know, but . . . oh, it's time? Right, coming. Hyung! I have to go. I love you! Let's have many babies together!"

It was the last post in the account. I watched it so many times that I could almost trace the shape of the words on my mouth.

My body still hurts, but I drink water and pretend it's beer. I can eat food now without throwing up.

Today, I went through Jimin's clothes. I didn't know what I was searching for. Still, I kept throwing pants and shirts and scarfs on the floor. Something tumbles out of the folds of an orange hoodie.

I didn't have to pick it up to know what it was, yet I opened that small blue box anyway.

It was a ring.

AUGUST

Namjoon dragged me around today. It was the first time I saw him in months. I was too empty and tired to feel annoyed, so I didn't fight back when he stripped me down and pushed me into the bathtub. He swatted my hand when I reached out for Jimin's clothes and didn't let me off his sight until I was done.

He drove for nearly an hour to God knows where. I didn't pay attention, I was too busy staring at the cracked screen of Jimin's phone. 

We climbed out of the car and I realized we were in a suburban area. Namjoon jogged to a small house and rang the doorbell. I kept my eyes on the phone, like it could bring me back to our bedroom.

I only looked up when two small feet stepped into my line of sight. It was a child. Namjoon was walking back to the car, nodding when I raised an eyebrow in question.

The child called me and it dawned on me that it was the child.

That. Him. The one that cost me my everything.

I was kneeling. I have no idea how it happened, but I was on my knees and I was staring at the boy. He blinked at me and told me not to be sad. That he was sorry. That he wished Jimin didn't save him so I wouldn't be sad anymore.

He reached out and wrapped his arms around my neck. He told me it was okay, that he hopes I will be okay.

I hugged him back. He told me Jimin was watching me from heaven, that he must be sad too. I couldn't stop crying.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

I stared into the mirror for the first time in months.

I looked as disgusting as I felt.

Hoseok and Namjoon drove me to the therapist. I didn't tell them, but I think they knew I was a little scared.

The therapist said I should try saying Jimin's name aloud three times a day until I'm not stumbling over the syllables anymore.

I can't. I can't do it. This is a fucking joke.

Jungkook kept calling me whenever he had free time. I pretended to be annoyed, but I wanted to thank him every time.

Today, I managed to whisper "Jimin" after five tries before I went about my day.

Namjoon texts me with reminders to eat and to send him pictures. He doesn't trust me anymore and I can't blame him.

The therapist told me to try doing the things I used to love again.

I've been trying to write lyrics for hours now. I'm not too productive. Inspiration was like a phantom limb, something that used to be there, something that I missed, but is now unreachable.

I miss the days when life was easy. When life meant fighting with him and loving him and hating him at the same time.

Sometimes, I just don't want to think about anything.

At night, I stay awake for hours on end. At least I got used to being alone on the bed.

Jungkook forced me to work out with him. I didn't complain even though I didn't want to go. It's still better than staring at the jumble of words I call "lyrics".

I want to feel down about the lack of progress, but it seems mundane compared to what I've been feeling for months. Honestly, it doesn't feel like that much time has passed at all. The memory is still fresh. It's like time completely stopped for me. He's still gone.Maybe it did.

I said Jimin's name two times without realizing it.

Namjoon took me out for a walk. He said I could go back to the company anytime I want, that he's glad I'm doing so much better. He told me he's sorry for not being a very gentle friend.

I didn't tell him, but I hate him a little for what he did to me.

Today, the acrylic paints I ordered arrived.

Nobody bothered me the whole day. I baked muffins in the morning and painted in the afternoon. I didn't look at the Instagram account. I said Jimin's name five times.

I found out I forget for a while when I lie down and blast music into my headphones so loudly I think the floor is shaking.

For a while, the world is quiet.

SEPTEMBER

Did you change?

(Did you change?)

Or did I change?

(Or did I change?)

I hate even this moment that is passing

I guess we changed

I guess that's how everything is

Yeah I hate you

Although you left

There hasn't been a day

That I have forgotten you

Honestly, I miss you

But now I'll erase you

Because that will hurt less

Than resenting you

OCTOBER

I've been sober for two months.

Happy birthday, Jimin. I visited you today. You don't know, but I bought your favorite flower. Roses, right? You've always been such a cliché-lover. Your new home looks good, by the way. I guess our friends took care of it when I wasn't fit to even breathe properly.

I'm sorry. You're probably sad. I'm trying now, Jimin-ah. I can say your name without flinching. I painted you, you know? I gave you wings. I wish you could see it. I'll visit more. Promise.

I always wear the wedding ring, by the way. It's okay, I'm not doing it to punish myself. I feel closer to you when I have it.

I donated some of your things. I hope you don't mind. The therapist, Miss Kim, told me it's going to be a cathartic experience. In a way, it was. I only cried a little bit, don't worry. No snot involved.

I love you. I hope you're doing well. I miss you.

October is almost done. I have an assignment before the year ends. Miss Kim said I don't have to rush it, and that it's completely fine if I wouldn't be able to do it at all.

It's a bit weird, but I'm ready. I think I can finally do it.

It took two years before I fell in love with Jimin. We met in college, thanks to the university's semi-annual foundation event. He was an accounting student and we wouldn't have met if he hadn't bumped into me and I spilled my hot coffee all over his shirt.

We became friends, mainly because he wouldn't stop apologizing. From there on, it was just me and him. Min Yoongi and Park Jimin. Nobody really cared in Uni, but somehow, everybody knew who we were. Min Yoongi and Park Jimin, a package.

He was my best friend. Sure, there was Hoseok and Moonbyul, among other people, but no one came close to what Jimin made me feel. Even as a friend, he was amazing. Caring. Thoughtful. Loving. Someone nobody could ever deserve.

Two years later, when I graduated in Film and got an offer from a small company, Jimin stayed in contact and did everything to squeeze me in his busy college schedule. I didn't mind. After all, I was always happy with him. He's my safe place. Just Jimin.

It was only natural that I loved him.

When he graduated, he asked me out on a date. He brought me to a local concert. We kissed after the fourth date.

Soon, we moved in together. We fought a lot sometimes, especially about the stupidest things like who would do the dishes. Still, he had always loved me. He was there when I was hesitating to go into music production. He was there when I got fired from my director position. He was there when I met Namjoon and made another career.

In return, I was there when he told his parents he didn't want to pursue accounting anymore. I was there to give him a push when he wasn't sure if he was cut out to be a model.

We loved each other, despite what other people might think. After all, we were the kind of couple who was only affectionate in private. We didn't flaunt our relationship, didn't pretend we were always happy. We were just Yoongi and Jimin.

I proposed in Daegu on my birthday last year. I remembered thinking it must be what forever felt like.

The beginning of this year was almost painful, but it wasn't because we were falling out of love. I realized now that it was because Jimin was exhausted, of keeping the wedding a secret, of his modeling career that I knew he was starting to hate, of feeling like I couldn't give him time because of my own job.

I wouldn't say it was all my fault, but I took part of why we fell apart at the seams. I just didn't try hard enough. I became complacent with what we had. He wanted kids. I knew that. I knew that was probably the only thing that could save the both of us.

I love Jimin. He's the only person I can love like this and I feel his absence every single day in the silence of the house, between the cracks in the wall, in the empty side of the bed.

I miss him so much and his very existence is being carved out of my heart, slowly, as I watch the world move on without him.

NOVEMBER

I ran out of pages.

I started going back to work. People welcomed me. They no longer looked at me like I was a charity case, like grief lined my face.

When Jungkook saw me, he smiled so widely and hugged me.

There was a party at the company. Somebody offered me alcohol.

Namjoon looked so proud when I declined.

Hoseok and I went shopping for Christmas gifts. It's still early, but he says we're both free anyway, so why not?

I bought him a razor because I remembered him complaining that Namjoon kept breaking his. I bought Namjoon headphones. I got this huge Iron Man figurine for Jungkook.

I bought matching bracelets for me and Jimin.

DECEMBER

Jungkook won Artist of the Year in a year-end award show. Namjoon won Producer of the Year.

Everybody was in high spirits.

It was a good day.

I read a book and drank coffee today.

Miss Kim said I'm doing splendid. A part of me agrees, just a bit.

Merry Christmas, Jimin.

Nothing much different from yesterday

Same old days, it’s just you’re not here

We were together just up until yesterday

But it’s to the point where it’s scary, same days but no you

JANUARY

I met Taehyung. I didn't punch him this time.

I started posting my art, as per Hoseok's suggestion. People are starting to notice.

Someone bought my art. It was a painting of Jimin, looking up at the night sky with his face covered in shadows.

There's a faint ache, but it feels like letting go. 

Taehyung has been coming over. I don't remember when I agreed to letting him in. Somehow, he managed to squeeze himself in anyway. He was great company, surprisingly. He likes to force me to watch anime with him.

Jungkook barged in one night just when Taehyung was about to leave.

I recognized the looks in their eyes.

FEBRUARY

Namjoon, Hoseok, and I went to an amusement park. I don't know why when none of us liked it. We screamed in every ride and spilled caramel popcorn all over the ground when Namjoon accidentally pushed it off of Hoseok's hand.

The sky was a nice pinkish color. I took a picture of it with a light feeling in my chest.

Happy Valentine's Day, sunshine.

I miss you.

I'm drunk again but it's because of Hoseok's birthday. He looks so happy. I'm glad for him. He deserves it.

Everybody misses you, Jimin.

The company offered me to be a senior producer. I accepted it without much thought.

I found the kid again. His name was Hueningkai. I told his parents I'll support his entire education and they don't have to worry.

Taehyung brought me to a Japanese restaurant. I met Kim Seokjin. He was Jimin's boss and Taehyung's ex-boyfriend. They said Jimin was one of the best people they have ever met.

Seokjin told me stories about Jimin. That he liked showing them photos of the two of us, that he constantly asked them for advice about weddings and birthday surprises. Seokjin said Jimin was the most beautiful soul he knew.

We cried a little over bowls of ramen.

MARCH

It's still a bit shocking that I keep receiving fan mail. I got so many messages on my birthday. More people want to commission me.

Wish you were here.

It's been a year, Jimin-ah. Are you doing well? The flowers around your grave are beautiful. I hope you like them.

I cried today. I hope you don't mind. I know you hated seeing me cry, but cut me some slack this time.

I love you.

Life is okay. If I would have to decide, I think this is the peak of my career. I met many friends, received so much love.

I'm beginning to accept this as my own.

Jin-hyung met Hoseok, Namjoon, and Jungkook. Taehyung arranged the whole thing, even rented a resort for a night. We had barbecues and wine. There was laughter and stories and secrets.

I thanked every one of them. I didn't say why. They already know. Jungkook ended up crying first, which in turn made us all cry. Jin-hyung made a lame joke and we were all crying and laughing. Namjoon slipped when he tried to get into the pool and Taehyung caught him, but they both lost balance and fell into the water.

Jin-hyung and Jungkook sang at least fifty songs in the karaoke. Hoseok and I kept eating and messing up rap songs.

It was the best night I've ever had in a long time.

I forgot about it all

Even your scent

But wait, this perfume smells familiar

Just when my memory was about to come back

I turned my head and saw you

Smiling brightly and next to you was

(Hi) Hi

How have you been? I’ve been okay

Unlike my heart that feels like it’ll explode

The temperature right now is -248

AUGUST

Namjoon and Hoseok got married in America. I was the best man. I clapped and cheered with everyone.

Back in Korea later that day, I cried myself to sleep. It reminded me of what could have been my future and my heart ached.

The world is turning and moving and people are helping me to be happy. I'm helping myself to be happy. 

It's hard and I'm still alone.

People have been asking me to open a gallery. It'll be a tough process, but I'm willing to look into it. After all, every Jimin in the canvasses deserve to be showcased in front of everyone.

SEPTEMBER

I donated money to different charities. I also auctioned some of my art to support environmental projects.

It felt good to do something right.

Hey, Jimin. I'm doing well. I miss you every day, but I'm learning how to live with it.

I love you so much.

OCTOBER

Three Years Later

Happy birthday, love. These past few years have been tough without you. I never realized how many things revolved around you. In a way, thank you for helping me find myself even if it meant living alone. I wish you didn't go. I wish every day, for the last three years, that I'd wake up and be with you.

Alas, this is reality. I'm doing great, sunshine. You don't have to worry anymore. I'm going to enjoy this life for you. For us.

I love you. So much. My heart still hurts when I think about the times I would whisper your name and hope I'd get a response, but it gets easier sometimes. Our friends are amazing.

I adopted a baby girl. She's almost one. I named her after you.