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How they are now is perfect. It wasn’t always this way.
At one time, many years ago, not long after the beginning, Nicolo looked at the man he loved, knew he loved him, and was afraid. This love was no flight of fancy. It was all-encompassing. Overwhelming. Not only the kind you die for, but the kind you kill to keep.
That power, the absoluteness of it that was rivaled only by his dedication and love to his God, shook him to the depths of his soul.
“Nicolo?” Yusuf said, a question there. They hadn’t yet reached the stage when they could decipher the other’s thoughts with a glance. Though Yusuf hadn’t needed that skill, surely, with the way Nicolo’s hands were shaking.
“I am going for a walk,” Nicolo said.
“A walk?” Yusuf glanced at the midnight wilderness around their camp. The fire between them cast dancing light across the planes of his face, and Nicolo wanted to kiss him.
He was losing his mind with his want for this man. He backed away, forcing more space between them.
“Yes, I…” He didn’t want to lie, but he wasn’t sure of the truth. Where was he going, and why? “I need some air.”
Yusuf held out his arm. He glanced up at the stars, a hint of a smile pulling at his lips. “Are we not outside?” He looked an angel, cast in fire and moonlight, until his eyes returned to Nicolo and Nicolo saw the fear there. That smile, beautiful, but so frail a thing, ready to break.
“Air.” Nicolo turned, a coward, unwilling to see the damage he caused.
He could stay. Between them, they’d formulated channels of communication built on patience and a variety of languages. But how could Nicolo explain what he couldn’t put to words himself?
He took one step toward the treeline, when behind him, Yusuf spoke as soft and gentle as a summer breeze. “Are you coming back?”
Nicolo stilled. His movements, his breath. Only his treacherous heart kept beating, while it ached at the fragility of those words, at their implication.
Yusuf thought he meant to run.
Nicolo looked over his shoulder, back to the camp, to his bedroll warm by the fire, to Yusuf, now standing behind it.
“I never meant to leave.” Nicolo turned fully toward him once more. He shouldn’t have turned away. “Only for a walk.”
The shadows darkened Yusuf’s eyes, the hollows of his cheeks, the curve of his mouth. He looked uncanny and ethereal, and Nicolo wanted him to be human.
Yusuf nodded once, curt.
Nicolo crossed the expanse between them, rounding the fire to return to the space beside him. Yusuf moved with him, facing him always. Hands at his sides, he watched Nicolo’s approach. When he didn’t reach for him, Nicolo was ready to burn the forest down.
Fear struck him once more. So many destructive thoughts. He wrapped his arms around himself.
Finally, blessedly, Yusuf touched him - a quick brush of his thumb on Nicolo’s arm near his elbow. As his hand fell away, the warmth of it lingered.
“I can do nothing if you will not tell me,” Yusuf said.
Nicolo’s words, thoughts, breath - all broken. “I am lost.”
“Tell me.”
Nicolo closed his eyes. The fire crackled, and an owl called through the night. He felt Yusuf’s presence, his patience and kindness, and somehow found himself.
“I would… kill everyone to keep you safe,” Nicolo said. “I would raze this world to ash for you. I would…”
Yes, he would destroy the world for Yusuf, would break commandments, and corrupt his soul, but had he not already done so in the name of his religion?
To fight for love and not hate - was that not more noble, more pure? Was Yusuf not saving his soul simply by loving him?
Violence was a bed-mate, and death a friend. Neither was his purest fear.
He swallowed and tried again. “Forever is…” He struggled to give voice to the thought at the forefront of his mind. His skin grew cold. His stomach twisted. “If ever you tire of me…”
A step, and Yusuf had him in his arms. “You blaspheme.”
“Yusuf.”
Yusuf only held him tighter, palms insistent on his shoulder and back. He kissed the length of Nicolo’s neck to his ear, holding on even as Nicolo shivered.
“The sun stops rising, and I will love you,” he said, words hot on Niccolo’s ear. “The stars disappear, I will love you.” He nosed at Nicolo’s jaw, pressing fresh kisses there. “At our final death, I will love you no less than I love you now.”
With all his heart, body, and soul, Nicolo wanted to believe.
“Tell me,” Yusuf kissed his chin, his cheek, a blaze of fire over his skin. “Is it so different for you?”
And like that, Nicolo knew. “No.” He opened his eyes, found Yusuf’s gaze and held it. Yusuf would see his truth. “I will love you beyond my final death.”
He was still afraid of many things, no less of this overwhelming love. But he would run no longer. He would steel his courage and plunge himself into the flames, so long as Yusuf was beside him.
Years and years and years later, Nicky looks at Joe, reading in the chair beside his. He stretches his hand out across the distance. Catching it, Joe brings Nicky’s fingers to his lips and kisses each one at the knuckle.
“I love you,” Nicky says. It’s easier now. Like breathing.
Joe smiles. “Forever.”