Chapter Text
Elissa didn’t know if she was looking forward or dreading to go home. Every time she thought about home her heart threatened to climb out of her chest.
It’s been months since she saw her brother. They met after the events of dealing with the Architect. He told her of how he was fixing what Howe destroyed. He never asked about him, other than acknowledging that she killed him.
“Off to see the family?” Oghren asked.
He was still with her. Elissa was thankful for that. Oghren was a pain in the ass but he was important to her. The wardens rebuilt. They didn’t replenish their numbers but they were getting more.
“Yes, I’m going to see my brother.”
It has been so long since she saw Alistair. Before the Architect. Alistair was sent elsewhere while she was made Warden Commander. Elissa thought Alistair should be the one, besides he was a warden for longer than her. But he disagreed.
She asked him to come with her. Somehow this felt easier to face if he was at her side. But when she got a letter that brought the news he wouldn’t be able to, her heart fell.
Why do they need him? Why did he have to stay?
She played with the ring in her finger unconsciously. When she felt Oghren’s eyes on her hand she realized what she did.
“You always do that when you think about him.”
“What do you mean?” Surely it couldn’t be always.
“When you think about Alistair,” he clarified. “You’ll see him again soon.”
When? But she couldn’t dare say that out loud.
There was always something. Warden business. People that needed help. It was a times like these that she missed the old days.
Morrigan. Shale. Zevran. The whole team. Sitting around the campfire after a long day. Friends exchanging stories. Those were terrible times. But they were also the best times.
But as the days turned into weeks. And weeks turned into months. Even years. They all drifted apart. Each walking their own path.
Today, Elissa didn't know where half of them were.
“Thanks, Oghren.”
The journey to Highever was hard and long. A couple of wardens took the journey with her. At night they took shifts. Elissa used her time keeping guard to sharpen her blades.
It reminded her of the good old days. But for some reason, it also reminded her of the bad.
But why?
Was it because she was going back? She hasn’t been back since everyone she loved and was close to her heart was ripped from her.
No darkspawn battle even comes close to this. It felt like the hardest thing she ever had to do. And she needed to do it all by herself.
When her shift was finally over she tossed and turned in her sleeping back. Elissa was awake before the sun and decided to hunt for breakfast.
After breakfast, they moved. But the more they travelled the less they became. Each one going where they needed to be.
They knew where Elissa was heading, after all, it was no secret who her brother was. But the ones who didn’t want to share their business didn’t share it.
At the end of the travels, she stood before the gate to the Cousland castle. She took a deep breath hoping she would find the courage but she knew in her heart she couldn’t. Elissa kept staring at it as if it was a dragon that needed to be slain.
A fight with a dragon she knew she would lose.
But luckily someone spoke, “Announce yourself.”
Her heart beat faster with his words. She realized there were two guards. One of each side of the gate.
Have they been standing there the whole time?
“Elissa Cousland.” She sat straight on her horse. Looking the guard ,who spoke to her, in the eyes.
“My lady.” Both of the guards bowed deeply. “I apologize.” It was the one who spoke to her in the beginning.
Elissa swung her leg off the one side. “No need. You’re only following your orders. And I haven’t been a lady since becoming a warden.”
The other guard spoke this time. “Of course Warden Commander. I’ll go give Teryn Cousland word of your arrival.”
“The name is Nilson,” the other guard spoke and led her to the stables. It was strange to be back. A lot has changed but at the same time, many things stayed the same. Elissa didn’t know what she expected if she was honest with herself.
“Nice to meet you.”
“The pleasure is all mine my La- I mean Warden Commander.” Nilson quickly realized his mistake.
After taking care of her horse her brother arrived. “Elissa!” he embraced her. “Thank the Maker you’re safe.”
“Thank you, brother. It was a good trip.”
His eyes searched as if looking for someone. “You travelled alone?”
“Yes,” she confirmed, “Alistair couldn’t make it.” But something in her brother’s eyes told her it wasn’t what he meant.
"Alright," he nodded. "Your old bedchambers are ready…" But something flashed in his eyes. What it was, Elissa couldn't say. Maybe it was guilt. Maybe something else. "Or would you rather sleep somewhere else? There are other rooms ready. I wasn’t sure what you would prefer."
Her brother wasn't sure if she wanted to sleep in her old bedchambers and they all knew why. She took a shaky breath and closed her eyes. No, she wasn't ready to sleep there. But in truth, she wasn't ready to sleep anywhere in the castle.
Time passed but the memories of what had happened didn't. Elissa wasn't sure if they ever would.
"My old bedchambers are fine," Elissa tried her best forming a smile with her lips but she knew it was weak.
Fergus awkwardly ran his hand through his dark hair. "I know coming back here isn't easy." His gaze shifted shamefully to his boots. "I can't bare going to my old bedchambers."
Fergus never asked so Elissa never shared how his son and wife died. It was brutal. Oren was just a little boy. He didn't do anything wrong. Yet he paid dearly with his life. He had such a bright future ahead of him.
Elissa loved him. Oriana was like a sister to her. She and Elissa weren’t at all the same. Where she loved her daggers Oriana loved fashion.
They didn't deserve to be murdered like that.
She would've loved sharing stories of being a warden with Oren. He loved stories of wardens and griffons. Maybe he would've been a warden himself. And now he'll never get the chance.
"I'm sorry I wasn't here," Fergus continued, "If I was…"
"No." She knew where he was going with this. She knew what going down that path did. Elissa was still trapped. Some days she wondered if she didn't go to sleep or if she would've been stronger if maybe some people would've escaped. Maybe Mother and Father wouldn't have died. Maybe little Owen would've been saved. She couldn't let her brother go down that path as well. "There's nothing you could've done." She squeezed his arm in hope of reassuring him. But she knew it was a lie.
Disbelief was clearly written on his face. Fergus slowly nodded, "I suppose you're right. I can't help but wonder."
"I know." More than I can say.
Fergus sighed and stood straighter as if he shoved the memories away. "Supper will be ready shortly. In the meanwhile settle in. I'll let someone come and fetch you."
Elissa couldn't stay long in her bedchambers. The past events haunted her quickly. Her eyes kept lingering on her door, Howe's men to be stopped by an arrow coming from her mother's bow.
But that never happened.
She couldn't do it anymore. Instead, she walked through the halls remembering the ones that fell.
Why am I alive and they're not?
She shook her head. Elissa dealt with these feelings. So why do they keep coming back?
"You're still living in the past dear," Wynne's wise words replayed in her mind. It was after she did a favour for her in the city of Amaranthine. "You're not there anymore. You escaped."
Elissa told Wynne once what happened. She didn't mean to but the words just flew out of her mouth.
"Lady," one of the guards greeted her. She decided not to correct this one. It would only waste her breath. "You're brother commanded me to find you. Supper will be served as soon as you're present."
She gave her thanks and left. But as soon as she stepped into the great hall her eyes settled on a head with familiar dirty blonde hair. She frowned.
It couldn't be him. Her mind was only playing tricks on her. She walked closer and closer. But with every step she got surer, it was him. Until he turned around and his blue eyes shone brightly.
"Alistair, is that you?"
"Is there another handsome fellow around here?" He turned around with a mocking look. But his remark only made her laugh.
She embraced him and greeted him with a kiss, "What are you doing here? I thought you couldn't come."
Elissa thought he would make a retort but he was serious instead. “That’s true my love. But I was able to make do. I didn’t want to let you know because I knew there was a chance something would change again.”
She smiled. she had truly missed him. “I’m glad you’re here.” Then she turned her gaze to her brother, “You knew he would come?”
“Yes,” her brother confirmed.
Elissa admitted she was surprised. The two times Fergus and Alistair had seen each other it was very clear Fergus didn’t like him. But the last time she had seen her brother he promised he would try.
The biggest problem was that he wasn’t a part of their wedding. It was sudden and in the middle of fighting the darkspawn. Getting married wasn't part of the plan but Alistair wanted to and she agreed. Back then Alistair was the only family she had. She wasn’t even sure if her brother was alive or not.
At supper, they talked about some of the adventures she and Alistair were on and their time apart. There was so much to catch up on. Fergus spoke about rebuilding the castle and what new allies he had made.
“It’s strange to be back here,” he said as he took a sip from his ale. “Even after all this time of rebuilding it’s not the same without them.”
Alistair looked like someone who didn’t belong in the conversation. He kept staring at the door. She squeezed his hand and hoped it was an unspoken way to tell him he did belong. He was her family too.
Elissa nodded at her brother’s words. She couldn’t imagine living here after all this time is easy. She didn’t want to come. But telling her brother to meet her elsewhere again would be suspicious. She had a feeling he knew why she suggested staying elsewhere. “It’s empty without them.”
The subject was changed shortly and it wasn’t long until they finished their food. Things between Alistair and Ferus were still tense. Neither knew what to say.
Alistair tried his humour out but her brother wasn’t too fond about that.
The time she dreaded came near. The castle began to quiet down and it was time to sleep. She was thankful for Alistair being there. It meant that she didn’t have to be alone in her bedchambers.
No darkspawn was so scary as her bedchambers and she couldn’t say it out loud. Not even to Alistair.
“Are you alright?” Alistair asked as they got ready for bed. “You’re looking at the bed as if it’s a dragon you need to slay.”
Maybe it is.
“I’m fine,” she lied, “Just a long day.”
Alistair didn’t believe her. He knew her too well to believe her. It might’ve been a while since they had seen each other but that didn’t change things. He didn’t utter a word until they were in bed though.
There was no light in the room except for the fireplace that gave them more warmth. It was something that Fergus must’ve built-in. And lucky for her, her eyes could linger on the flames that danced. But she didn’t need to look at Alistair to know he kept his eyes on her.
“Are you sure you’re alright? I know it can’t be easy to be back here.”
You don’t know. But instead of saying anything, she gave him a glare he probably couldn’t see. She bit the side of her cheek to stop herself from saying anything. Until she couldn’t bare to look at him anymore and turned to her side.
“I’m fine,” she said after a while in a firm voice that left no space for debate.
“Elissa, you need to talk about it.”
She knew this was where it was going. The times she did talk to Alistair about what happened had been very hard for her.
Still avoiding to look at him she answered with more force, "I'm fine."
He placed his hand on her arm and squeezed. "You can't keep doing this. We're here. You can't avoid it."
She knew he was right. Being back here brought so many memories back. Some of it resurfaced when they went back to Ostagar and afterwards she believed she dealt with it.
Elissa turned on her other side to look at her husband. "I'm not avoiding it," she lied.
"Alright," Alistair said when he realized he was getting nowhere. "What's on your mind then?"
"Nothing." It was another lie.
Every time she closed her eyes she saw the events of that night in her head. Leaving her parents to die. Howe's betrayal.
She thought after killing Howe, she would feel something. Relief, the anger flowing away. She’d feel that she has done what was necessary.
But that’s not how it went down. She couldn’t stab him enough times. Killing him wasn’t enough. Elissa didn’t know what would be enough. Maybe nothing will be.
Alistair had to pull her away. “It’s enough. He’s dead.”
The others looked at her, they were shocked. Elissa just breathed rapidly with her two daggers in her hands. Her hands held them firmly, so tightly that it turned white.
Alistair approached her, “Elissa…”
But she wouldn’t let him, “Let’s go.” And the rest followed her lead.
Alistair gave another sigh and it brought her back to reality. “You’re lying. Just talk to me.”
That’s when she started to get offensive. “You don’t see me bringing up Duncan and what happened to the rest of the wardens.” It was unfair of her throwing it back at him. But right now she’d do anything to not talk about what happened.
“You want me to talk about it. Fine, let’s talk about it. What do you want to know?”
His words made her stop. Alistair was very open to her about what happened. But she couldn’t do the same. She wasn't sure why. It’s not that she didn’t want to. She couldn’t.
But he called her bluff.
She pulled the covers off and stood up from the bed. “I can’t do this!”
“Where are you going?” he sounded concerned. She couldn’t say why though.
“Out,” as if that was enough explanation.
When Elissa closed the door to her bedchambers behind her she saw her brother staring at the door that was once his.
She walked up to him, wondering what he was doing.
“Can’t sleep either?” Fergus asked as he could hear her come closer.
“No, I needed to get out of there,” she admitted.
“Ah.”
Elissa frowned at his words, “Ah, what?”
“You two are having problems. Was there an argument?”
She knew he asked because he wanted to make sure everything was alright. After everything happened, they were still close. She had been there when he and his late wife had arguments.
“No. Nothing like that.”
“Oh,” Fergus said and it made her frown. It wasn’t possible that he could read her mind yet it felt like he did. “He wanted you to talk about it. And you didn’t.”
Elissa blinked. How did he come to that conclusion? It was a mystery. “How…”
“I was married before Elissa,” he said as if that explained everything. “There’s certain things your partner will expect you to share.”
She frowned in response to his words. “So I should talk about things even if I don’t want to? Why?”
Fergus sighed as he saw he wasn’t getting his point across. “That’s not…” But he stopped as something crossed his mind, “Do you want some tea?”
“Alright,” she nodded. She doubted she'd be able to get much sleep.
While the water was set to be boiled Fergus and Elissa sat at the table. Most of the castle was asleep. Except for the guards working in shifts.
“Alistair will expect you to share things on your mind. He wants to help you, but he can’t do that if you don’t talk to him,” he continued where he trailed off. “Didn’t he share some things that happened to him?”
Elissa sighed as she thought it over. What Alistair went through and what she went through was different, yet there were also similarities. They were both betrayed but in different ways.
Duncan was like a father to Alistair. Losing him was hard. Just as losing her parents was hard on her. At both places of betrayal, a lot of people died. Both of them killed the man who was behind it. Yet Alistair dealt with it.
Elissa thought she did. But what if she didn’t?
Alistair talked about it. He was more opened about it than she was. It was unfair to him, she knew.
“I don’t think I can,” she admitted to her brother.
Fergus slowly nodded as he understood. He hadn’t been here when it happened but he went through it as well. He experienced it differently, but he lost the same people as well. “How did you kill him?”
His words were unexpected. Whatever she expected him to say it wasn’t that. But she knew who he meant. “Yes, we tried to help the Queen escape. We came across him and I killed him.”
“Would you have spared him if it was an option?”
“No,” the answer was immediate. There was no doubt. “He deserved it.”
“I’m glad one of us got to him,” Fergus admitted. “Did it help?”
“No,” Elissa admitted with a sigh. “After what happened that night I thought killing Howe was all I needed. I got what I wanted, but…”
“It wasn’t enough…” he concluded. “Nothing would be enough. All those people died for nothing.”
That’s what bothered her all this time. They died because someone was power hungry. They paid an undeserving price. Those people did not deserve it. At least she could get them some justice. But that was just it.
Was it justice or revenge?
If it was anyone else would she have handled it differently? She couldn’t say, if she was honest with herself.
The chair creaked in response to Fergus getting up to check on the water and it brought her back to reality. He poured the tea and gave her a cup.
“I tried going into their bedchambers,” Fergus said once he took his seat again, “But the closest I got was touching the doorknob.”
Elissa nodded. It was past memories. Memories of happiness that were turned into ash.
"How could you stay in your old bedchambers?" The question came from her brother.
Elissa stared at Fergus. Her lips were frozen with hesitation. The truth was too complicated.
Her bedchambers was the best place to be. The rest of the castle had seen more death and destruction than her room had. At least what she was aware of.
But it was different for Fergus. He hadn’t been here. He didn't have the events burned into his mind. Fergus only had his imagination.
Her bedchambers being the best place didn't help though. She didn't want to be here at all.
"It's different," she said instead of all the other things that buzzed around in her head.
"How did they die?"
The question came out fast. It demanded an answer that Fergus wouldn't like.
He's been dying to ask, hasn't he?
Elissa couldn't give him the answer, but she couldn't lie either. "You don't want to know."
Fergus stood up and buried his face in his one hands. When he looked at her again it looked like he aged 10 years. “I need to know,” his voice told her how tired he was. There was no way tonight was the only time he had difficulty sleeping.
Elissa didn’t need to ask him for her to know.
After she escaped from home she didn’t know where her brother was. Elissa couldn’t be sure if he was dead or alive. She tried to search for him but it didn’t help. Every time she tried there was something in the road that stopped her.
So her mind made the events up for her. She imagined many, many situations. Some worse than others.
It was a shock when her brother arrived. Alive and well.
“Alright,” she sighed, “That night mother arrived at my door with a bow…”