Work Text:
Your brush swept across the canvas in soft little hisses. You had no expectations when it came to spending time with Severus. He gave little away with what he may think or feel while speaking. It made you feel out of control in the conversation—uncertain of what felt sincere. Part of you hoped that painting him would help create an equilibrium, help balance the dynamic. And so you prepared past what was necessary, wanting to be able to focus on the craft once Severus sat before you, staring onward.
Dioxazine purple was a strange color to wash all over the bare canvas, but you were interested to see how it might influence the portrait. A transparent, deep violet that pulled strangely fluorescent and bright. You hoped it would make Severus’ pale skin gleam as cool and bloodless as Madame X.
Against the pale light of dawn, dioxazine seemed to refract prismatic hues. The white of the canvas made the thinned out paint a pastel, bright lavender. You pulled out large reserves of mars black, excited to see how the fluorescent shade would glow against the matte, reddish-black pigment. It worked—you were feeling ready.
You heard someone call your name softly, over and over. Cracking your eyes open, you noticed that the train had come to a stop. You could hear footstep after footstep pass by your train compartment. Stretching, you looked up to see Remus shaking your shoulder with feather light force. “We’ve arrived?” you yawned, sitting up straight.
Remus pulled away, getting your luggage out for you. “Welcome to Hogwarts,” he greeted, his voice low and warm. Remus waited for you to gather yourself and pick up your trunk before heading out. You watched as the youngest students were ushered towards a lake by the largest man you’d ever seen; the rest of the students climbed into carriages that seemed to pull themselves towards the distant castle.
You walked towards the group formed up of Sirius, Peter, Remus, James, and the red headed girl James had ran after at platform 9 ¾. You began to thank them all for their company, when you heard a voice behind you call out your full name.
Turning, you saw a boy framed in all black clothing approach you. He was tall, with a sharp, pointed face, and black hair that fell to his clavicle. He repeated your full name as he came within conversational distance, before nodding to you. “I am Severus Snape—we spoke through owls? I am your liaison for your residency here at Hogwarts.”
“Oh, right!” you replied, smiling at him. “Thank you for finding me among all the chaos.”
Midway into your thanks, you saw Severus look over at the red headed girl. The change in his demeanor betrayed the stoic nature he had before. His posture relaxed ever so slightly and there was a subtle weakening of his brow. “Hello, Lily,” Severus uttered tenderly.
Lily stared back at Severus, her expression difficult to read as she looked into his eyes, trying to better see some small detail that would explain him. She shifted her weight on her feet, unsure if she should approach him.
“C’mon, Lily!” James called after her as he, Remus, Sirius, and Peter climbed into a carriage. You smiled up at the lot of them, but you were surprised to find Sirius glaring between you and Snape, before Lily climbed into the cart and it took off towards the castle.
Whatever strange mood had gripped Severus while near Lily seemed to dissipate and with it, the stoicism returned. Climbing into the last remaining carriage, you were left in silence as the sounds of other groups’ conversations and laughter bounced off the forest trees. Pulling your scarf closer around you, you smiled towards Severus, “Congratulations on graduating this term!”
Severus didn’t look like he was interested in responding. He slowly turned his eyes to you, studying you, allowing your words to hang in the air as if listening for a sour tone in them. “Do you know any students?” he asked, his tone neutral.
“No, actually! I did meet the boys Lily went with at King's Cross, but—”
“I wouldn’t recommend associating with them. Lily is, of course, not regarded in this but the rest of them…” Severus hung on the last word while his hands came to rest tightly on his knees, “are so depraved they may not even graduate. They have done nothing in the last six years except toy with the very well being of the school and its reputation.”
Your eyes widened at this, surprised into silence. Admittedly, Sirius and James hadn’t made the best first impression, but what could they have done that may lead to expulsion mere months before graduating?
“I… will keep that in mind. Thank you, Severus.” Your eyes fell to Snape’s hands, still gripping his knees, knuckles white.
Severus led you past the Herbology Conservatories to a small gardener’s cottage. The cottage looked as if it used to be another green house, before being converted. The tall windows that made up the front wall of the home had been changed out with stained glass and floor length voile curtains. It had been outfitted with a heavy wood and brass door and a chimney lopsidedly stuck to one wall as if placed as an afterthought.
When the two of you neared the front door, Severus reached into his pocket and pulled out a small brass ring. It was an intricate piece of jewelry, with folkish designs running along the band as well as the silhouette of a little jack rabbit. Lifting it up demonstratively, he slipped it onto his finger and took hold of the door knob. The mechanism inside the door ticked several times. You watched as the jack rabbit on the ring disappeared only to reappear etched in the metal of the door knob, hop into the key hole, and with a final tick, the door swung slowly open.
You peered into the cottage, propping open the heavy door with your luggage. The faintest reflections of colored light fell through the studio as twilight took hold of the day. It was mainly one large room. Near a four poster bed was a wood burning stove equipped with a kettle; to its side was a cupboard containing various teas, all hand labeled with which conservatory the ingredients came from and the date. Two large wooden tables took up another corner of the home, a few wooden chairs, and a well worn sofa. “This… will do nicely!” you said, lightly touching one of the tables as you walk through the room.
“…There you are, then,” Severus answered unaffectedly. He slipped the ring off of his finger, dropped it into the palm of your hand, while his head jerked quickly into a stiff, abbreviated bow. “Should you need anything else, you may find me,” was the only goodbye you got before Snape headed off towards the castle.
Through the stained glass wall you watched Severus walk away and slipped the ring onto your finger. You were relieved to see it was a perfect fit before realizing that this was likely part of its design.
It didn’t take you long into unpacking to become very hungry. You bitterly regretted sleeping through the train ride and not grabbing anything from the trolley witch, as your stomach suddenly seemed to ache with emptiness. Not wanting it to be cold when you returned, you quickly built a fire in your stove before pulling on your coat and heading towards the castle.
As you approached the castle, a small cluster of windows glowed a flickering gold from the outside. Making your way in, the scent of a feast easily guided you towards the Great Hall, with dozens of conversations echoing down the corridors.
Stepping inside the Great Hall, you blanched as you realized it didn’t seem like there was any obvious place for you to sit if you weren’t faculty or sorted into a house. Worse than not knowing where to sit was standing before the four long house tables and looking like you didn't know where to sit. You felt a swell of pressure rise in your throat as you regretted not having considered this before stepping in, but then Lily Evans walked up to you.
“It hardly matters—” Lily started, lightly slipping her hand around your wrist as she gently lead you towards the Gryffindor table. You caught several students glance over at you curiously as Lily brought you to sit with her, Peter, James, Sirius, and Remus at the heart of the table. You mentally made a note to yourself to thank Lily when you had a moment for not giving you the opportunity to think twice about where to sit. You settled in between Lily and Sirius, with James, Peter, and Remus directly across from you.
You smiled to everyone as you sat down, glancing at the feast before you. Still steaming, plated on golden dishes, was an overwhelming amount of food: buttery bread buns, roasted winter vegetables, pies, fresh greens, and several potato dishes from mashed, to roasted, to scalloped with herbs and sauce. Pumpkin juice, cider, and butter beer pitchers seemed never ending, and for every used plate a shining new one would appear. As you had helped yourself to all that you could fit on your plate, Lily turned to you, holding a bread bun in one hand and an absurdly large glass of cider in the other.
“So!” she began, smiling. “I have already heard such good things about you! Remus mentioned that you’re here for an artist residency! That’s so fascinating, I had not really considered what goes into painting portraits of wizards and witches! How long have you been an artist?”
Lily asked you lots of questions about yourself, your interests, and as you answered and fell into an easy conversation with her, you realized that both Sirius and Remus were paying more attention to the two of you than anything else. Sirius’ mood in particular seemed to lighten as he learned more about you, and he kept glancing over at Remus to gauge his reaction to your replies.
By the time the crescent moon was high in the sky, your stomach was so full you couldn’t have eaten another bite. Everyone seemed sleepy and content, except for Sirius who had spent most of the night talking instead of eating, and whose energy seemed to be as bottomless as the pumpkin juice.
“Well,” you yawned, starting to bundle yourself back up in your coat and scarf, “I should head back to my room.” You smiled over at Lily, who was sleepily leaning against James’ shoulder. “Thank you so much for letting me sit and eat with you all.”
“Nonsense,” James answered, tapping Lily’s nose, “you should keep at it.”
“Yes,” Sirius agreed with a hushed voice, leaning towards you in theatrical secrecy, “you’ve landed in the lap of popularity, brilliance, magical… virility—”
“And modesty,” Remus chimed in, his voice quiet but low enough to overtake Sirius’ more husky voice. Sirius chuckled, waving a dismissive hand very close to Remus’ face.
You felt a gleeful tightening in your chest as you smiled at them all, grateful to already know a group of people that were so welcoming and friendly. “I will keep that in mind. Perhaps I will see you tomorrow for breakfast,” you replied, standing up. “Well, goodnight!”
Peter, Remus, James, Lily, and Sirius all said their final goodbyes before you walked out of the Great Hall, bracing yourself for the crisp outside air. You inhaled sharply as you stepped into the cold, your breath left little hot puffs of air in the night as you walked as quick as you could in the direction of your cottage.
The school grounds were dark, besides the weak glow of candlelight that trickled from the castle. The shadows were so deep it was hard to see the edge of the forbidden forest, as if the dark had swallowed all sound. No bird or beast seemed alive out here besides you, until a voice from behind you started, “Sorry, I—”
Whirling around, your eyes fell upon Remus Lupin. He stood about fifteen paces behind you, his cheeks flushed bright either from cold or from self consciousness, it was difficult to tell which he felt more. “I had just wanted to make sure you got back… to your… safely.” He winced at himself before swallowing dryly and taking a step closer. “I know it’s forward, I just—”
You shook your head, stepping closer to him. “No no no, that was very kind of you,” you breathed a laugh, startled, but still flattered by his thoughtfulness. "You are allowed to walk alongside me though, you don’t have to stalk.”
Remus huffed, his flush growing a deeper shade of humiliation as he closed the distance between the two of you. “Well let’s get you settled then,” he replied, clearly eager to move on from the moment.
You fell in stride beside him, grinning a little to yourself. Remus had been so much quieter with his friends than he had at King’s Cross. You wondered if that was due to Sirius and James being louder personalities, or if he had just been trying hard to keep conversational when he had found you alone.
“Do you like it?” he asked as your cottage came into view. The glow of the few candles and the stove you left lit from within filtered through the stained glass and cast rainbows onto the earth by your feet.
“I mean look at it,” you almost laughed, “of course. I didn’t know what to expect, I was half afraid they would sort me with the eleven year-olds.”
Remus chuckled, pushing his hands deep into the pockets of his cloak to keep himself warm now that the two of you had stopped walking.
“What house do you think you would be in?” Remus leaned against the wall beside the front door, watching you take your hand out of your coat pocket to lift the ring up to the doorknob.
“I will leave that up to you and your friends,” you suggested as the front door clicked unlocked. You put your hand on the knob, glancing up at Remus. “Do you want a cup of hot tea for the walk back? It’s just that there are all of these teas in there from the gardens, like Hogwarts blends… they look good!”
Remus struggled to answer, his mouth opening and closing a few times before you pushed open the door, ushering him in with a sweep of your arm. You couldn’t help but smile a little at Remus’ shyness, dragging two chairs over to the stove, you patted one of them and stared over, inviting him to sit. Remus obediently followed your cue, as you pulled out your wand and filled the cast iron kettle on top of the stove with water.
“Okay.” You stretched up on the tips of your toes to open the cupboards that housed all of the custom teas. “Do any of these look intriguing to you?” you turned to look at him over your shoulder.
Remus squinted up at the jars of tea, before rising out of his chair to stand right behind you to get a better look at the options. He was so tall he could read each label over the top of your head. He considered the options carefully, reaching his arm over you to take a jar that read BLUE CHAMOMILE, GLOBE AMARANTH, POLLEN and carefully placed it in your hands. Sitting down again, Remus watched as you stoked the stove to get the water hot enough.
“There’s the muggle in you again,” Remus chuckled. “Sirius and James would have already rendered that stove molten with their wands if they were here.” You rolled your eyes, about to make a remark back but Remus held up his hands, needing to explain, “No no, I only mention it because I like it. My mum is muggle you see.”
You remembered how Remus had sympathized with you on the train after Sirius lost patience with you moving you luggage manually. “I see,” you replied, tipping some of the tea leaves into the kettle. “It can’t be helped. When you don’t even know that magic exists before you’re eleven, certain things just stick.”
Remus nodded, leaning his elbows against his knees. “Magic was… downplayed a bit in my home growing up,” he started, looking to the fire. The kettle began to steam and, managing to find two mugs, you strained the tea into each, handing one to Remus. He thanked you, wrapping his hands around the cup.
“I hope I haven’t been too forward today.” Remus glanced back up at you, the light from the stove highlighting his facial scars so the lines of them shown pearly and bright. “It wasn’t in my plans or anything, it just happened.”
You tilted your head, brow furrowed slightly as you thought what to say, leaving only the crackling fire inside the stove to fill the silence. “You’ve been nothing but kind to me, even after the day started with me judging you and your friends!” you laughed. Remus glanced up at you again, surprised. “You can’t apologize for being kind. Not in my cottage—and this tea needs… something.”
After a moment of thought, Remus asked, “Want me to try to find some sugar? Honey?”
“No…” you replied, walking over to the table that your trunk rested on, half unpacked. “I brought some maple syrup with me actually, and nothing goes better with chamomile.”
“Maple?”
“Yeah! Try a little,” you grinned, bringing over a small bottle of maple syrup, you tipped a little into Remus’ mug. He peered curiously into his cup, swirling the tea around so that the maple would better incorporate, before taking a small experimental sip. As you put some syrup into your own tea and sat back down, Remus started to chuckle.
“What?” you asked, making yourself comfortable.
“Why is this something you have packed?” He smiled over at you, more candidly, taking a more generous sip of tea.
“It’s a great painting medium.”
“Really?”
“No Remus, I just like maple syrup!” You rolled your eyes, leaning back into your chair with a dejected grin. Remus shook his head, continuing to chuckle. A comfortable silence washed over the room as the stove’s fire died down, casting a rosy hue through the studio.
“I should get going,” Remus sighed, standing up he carefully placed the mug on the nearby table. “Thank you for this, it has been very pleasant.”
You made your way to the door to open it for him. You felt a pit in your stomach as you realized that you’d soon be left to your own devices. Of course you knew that having a residency at Hogwarts would likely mean being a little solitary, but you wondered how easy or awkward it would be to try to spend more time with Remus and his friends.
“I hope you have a good night! Don’t get caught by any teachers on the way up to your common room,” you teased, as Remus shrugged dismissively. “And hopefully we will run into each other again.”
“Hopefully,” Remus agreed, pulling on his cloak. With one last nod to you, he made his way outside.
You closed the door and fell into the freshly made four poster bed. Waving your wand, you extinguished all flames but the stove to softly crack and hiss yourself to sleep.
You ended up sitting before Severus at your easel, palette knife in hand, as he stood haughtily before you, one hand resting on the nearby table. You couldn't help but smile considering your Madame X thought from earlier, it was funny how things seemed to fall into place.
Breakfast had been a quiet affair. You had risen early enough that as you poured yourself tea and buttered your toast, you could see the enchanted sky of the Great Hall lift from a soft black-blue to a pale lavender and then the hazy yellow of morning.
The light was beautiful. The sun was still pale and yellow, the shadows faint and thin, it created a softness to the room that didn’t seem to suit Severus, but created an interesting juxtaposition perfect for a portrait. “This is a good time for you to come by, I think. The light works well.”
You began to mix more paint, glancing up to him for reference occasionally. It was always tempting to look at his expression, as Severus seemed to have such a storm of thoughts always about his mind. You constantly asked yourself what he might be thinking, what he thought of having to sit for a portrait, what he thought of you, but you never expected to arrive at an answer.
“It does seem fitting that it would be you,” Severus said, causing you to jump in your chair. It had been almost an hour of total quiet before he suddenly began to speak. Looking up to him, you saw that Snape’s eyes were fixed on you. “Since… you trained here as well.”
“It’s sweet,” you replied, concentrating on the palette in your hands. That was a lie. It was easy to get caught up in the charm and wonder of Hogwarts and its people, but the past fifteen years had left its mark on you. Everything that had happened with James and Lily, with Sirius and Peter, and consequently you and Remus had carved you into an anxious and confused figure. It felt too coincidental that the year you and Remus returned to Hogwarts happened to be the same time Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban and remained at large. It filled you with a bitterness, a hysterical threat that reminded you that there was no running away from your past.
It was happening, the control of the conversation was slipping from you. You felt your throat tighten as you dreaded Severus asking about Remus, or Sirius. Would you ever get through this portrait if one remark by Snape could get you so anxious? It couldn't happen this way.
You grounded yourself with a deep breath. Taking your graphite, you picked up the canvas and began sketching Severus standing there, dark and haughty. This was your space, if Severus wanted to confront the past, you could meet him there.
“I have spent a lot of time asking myself how wide of a circle I would have to draw around my life to carry on.” You opened your mouth to say more, but then decided to leave your words to hang in the air. You could play the same hand Severus did.
Snape’s brow furrowed softly, he looked like he hadn't expected you to make that conversational jump. His teeth scraped against his bottom lip as he considered his reply, perpetuating the silence. Eventually, in a softer tone, he replied. “We all test ourselves with such questions from time to time.”
Surprised by the kindness, you glanced up at him. Severus met your eyes, his face shadowed by a heaviness you were not used to seeing. You smiled at him, and the corners of Snape’s mouth twitched upwards briefly.
By the end of the first week of term, you had fallen into a good daily routine. When you were not painting, your time was quickly used up by the scheduling tables you had to draft, keeping in mind when all of the faculty was available. Every night at the Great Hall you tried to introduce yourself to more faculty and learn their schedules. Keeping social and busy helped with the anxieties that stuck in the back of your mind.
Sitting down at the end of the table, you smiled over at Remus as he took a spot beside Minerva, quickly engaging in conversation with her. You were just putting your napkin in your lap when you heard an unmistakable voice boom from behind you.
“No… it can’t be.”
Standing up and spinning around, you broke into a huge smile as you saw Rubeus Hagrid standing before you, smiling down at you with an equally large grin.
“I’d heard you’d come back but I wasn’ goin’ ter believe it till I saw ye for myself!” He pulled you into a massive hug, both of you chuckling throughout the long embrace.
As the two of you sat down for supper, your heart swelled with joy. Hagrid was so easy to talk to—you didn't have to worry about him bringing up anything painful. He piled his plate high with food, always offering to give you an extra serving of whatever dish he was taking from.
You asked him all about how teaching Care of Magical Creatures was going, and he launched into an excited explanation of everything he had planned for the entire year. Your face began to get sore from how much you smiled, eventually interrupting him to ask, “When we do your portrait you should have some of your favorite creatures around you! If you think they would enjoy being painted.”
Hagrid turned to look at you, his eyes glittering. “Oh, nothin’ would make me ‘appier than that.” The conversation quickly turned into a list of which animals would sit well on his lap and shoulders. “Fang o’course by me knee,” was something Hagrid repeatedly said, as the two of you ate until you could eat no more.
You left the Great Hall still smiling. Making your way up to the faculty’s quarters, you saw Remus walking just ahead of you. Something in you stilled and quieted. Every time you saw Remus, you second guessed how close you could let yourself get to him. How painful would things be? How much might he be going through, knowing Sirius Black was free? Did he think of the past every time he saw you?
“You don't have to stalk,” Remus spoke aloud, not bothering to turn around. Deflating a little, you sped up to be at his side. “Hagrid is a treasure, isn't he?” he asked, glancing down at you with a smile.
“I am so happy that he's been made a teacher,” you replied, still warm at the thought. “He deserves it, he’s so good with the students.”
“Yes,” Remus agreed, one eyebrow raising. “He seems capable of keeping them safe, more capable than most.”
“I didn’t know that safety was a priority to you, Lupin.”
You and Remus glanced to the corridor on your left, to see Severus approaching both of you. He was carefully holding a small box so that it wouldn’t tilt. You frowned at Snape’s comment, tilting your head up at him. Severus glanced down at your confused face before smiling at Remus.
Remus stared at Snape for a beat, and though his disposition still seemed relaxed, his jaw ticked slightly. “Did you need something, Snape?”
“No… No I don't need anything at all.” He dropped the box into Remus’ hands without the same care he’d used while carrying it.
“Good evening,” Snape glanced back down to you, before walking away.
You and Remus walked in silence for a moment, you stared at your feet, wondering how Snape and Remus could still not be on terms with one another? You heard Remus call your name and realized that he had stopped some paces ago and was now leaning against the door to his quarters.
“Oh, sorry,” you started, walking back over to him. You looked up at him, searching his face for answers to all that you couldn’t find the gall to ask. He returned your gaze with his own, tired countenance. “Remus…” you barely breathed, and you saw his posture stiffen as he waited for you to speak. “Are you… alright?”
Remus’ brow bent into an arc of pain even while he smiled. Lips parted, he shook his head, his hands coming to rest on your shoulders. The weight of his hands pushed your shoulders down, relaxing your posture, as the heat from his hands spread through your upper chest and back. Remus looked into your eyes, catching the surrounding torchlight. “Not when you look at me like that.”