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Race was having a panic attack.
We were at a party, having a good time when I saw how his smile faltered, his breathing shakier and the fear in his eyes. His nails dug into his thighs, scratching desperately at the denim. I tapped his forearm, nodding towards the exit and he blinked up at me before the fear melted into something much different and he agreed. I excused us from Jack’s house, leading him outside. He tapped my shoulder timidly before pointing across the street towards our apartment.
“Of course,”
Now we were home.
As soon as we’d gotten through the door, he let himself go. I could see the tension build quickly in his shoulders and he made himself small on the couch. I looked around, worried for him. I started a cup of tea for him, careful to find one without caffeine, before I looked for a blanket.
I returned a few moments later, handing him a blanket. He didn’t move.
“Racer?” I spoke quietly, cautiously. “Do you want a blanket?” He was still for another second before nodding. I wrapped it around his shoulders, rubbing his shoulder a little bit before I went back to the tea, carrying it to the coffee table. I stood beside the couch. I’d heard about Race’s panic attacks from Jack, but I’d only ever witnessed it twice. Race kept his face buried in his knees, reaching out his hand towards me and making grabby motions. “What is it?” No response, “Tea? Do you want your tea?” He shook his head. I looked around for a second when he grabbed the hem of my sweatshirt, tugging it softly. “...me?” I asked slowly. He nodded vigorously and I sat down next to him. He pulled his arm back towards him. “Do you want your fluffy socks- and your bear?” He nodded quickly, a small noise coming from him. “I’ll be right back, okay? I promise- I just wanna grab them before we get settled in.” He nodded, his voice muffled and quiet, but sounding something along the lines of ‘I understand’.
I returned once again with fuzzy socks and a soft bear. I put his socks on for him, setting the bear next to him before sitting on the couch myself. Race moved rather quickly, but hesitated as his hand hovered above me.
“Touches?” I asked. He nodded slowly, “I’m comfortable with them, it’s up to you, okay?” He melted into my side, his face pressed into my chest. I pulled him into my lap the rest of the way, taking a second to see if he was okay with it. His breathing slowly evened out, after maybe thirty minutes he lifted his head. His eyes met mine, red and watery. He wiped his tears away, giving a forced chuckle.
“S-sorry…” He stammered, I shook my head,
“It’s okay, Racer. Are you tired?” As if on cue, he yawned, nodding.
“A little…”
“Do you want to be in your own room by yourself?”
“Uh…” He looked down, going quiet.
“If you want me to be with you, that’s okay.”
“But- but you’ve already done so much and-”
“Race, if you want me to be there, I’ll be there.” He pondered it for a second,
“I… yeah- if you don’t mind…” I nodded,
“Do you want to go now?” He nodded, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.
Soon, we were both lying in his bed. He was wearing soft, blue pajama pants. I wore plaid ones with a white tank top. We were silent for what felt like forever, but neither of us seemed to be able to fall asleep.
“I’m sorry…” His voice was soft. He was laid next to me, looking up at me through watery eyes. I cupped his cheek, shaking my head slightly in response.
“What for?” I asked, confused.
“I didn’t wanna do that tonight but- but thank you… thank you so much, Spot.”
“Oh- it wasn’t a big deal-”
“Except it was because you’ve never seen one that bad and you’re still here laying with me and-” He spoke quickly, a passion behind his words.
“Where else would I go?”
“Maybe you’d think I was fucked up and walk out- but you didn’t- you stayed and- and you’ve seen me at my lowest and you’re still here and- and you brought me my fluffy socks and- damn it Spot I know this isn’t the right time but just get what I’m saying would you?” I blinked at him in the dim light,
“What… what?” I was so confused. He shook his head, closing the distance between us and kissing the corner of my mouth, his hands on my chest.
“You’re sweet and kind- you watched me freak out at a party and it took you seconds to realize what was happening and I watched you punch a guy in the face because he called Davey a queer and that was ninth grade and that’s when I realized I was so gone for you-” He shook his head. “I can’t- I just- I can’t not tell you anymore because- because I need to know if you like me too so we can either be something or I can try and move the fuck on-” I stared at him, my heart hammering in my chest.
He had to be joking.
That, or the panic attack messed up his head.
“You aren’t fucking with me?” He shook his head. I closed the small distance between us, pressing my lips sweetly to his. I pulled away after a few blissful seconds, my eyes fluttered open. “Maybe… yeah, I’d like it if we were something, you and I.” I whispered timidly.
“Really?”
“Race- I loved you since I sat out on the trampoline with you and you told me everything you knew about the stars.” I remembered, feeling him doing the same beside me.
“You’re such a softie…”
“You… you really are okay, though? I just wanna make sure- I’m worried-”
“I’m alright.” He paused before snuggling into my side. “You brought me my fluffy socks… I fell a little bit more for you… I did everyday…. You brought my bear and my fluffy socks…”
“Well- you said that one time that you liked them- that they calmed you down…”
“When?”
“We were watching a movie and you were talking about how unbelievably soft they were-”
“That was like- three years ago- and we were super drunk.” He said,
“That doesn’t matter- I just… remembered, I guess.”
“I… you’re adorable.” He nuzzled into my side once more, yawning.
“We’ve had a long day, Racer. Sleep?”
“Sleep.” He agreed.
He fell asleep in his fluffy socks.