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23rd of the Pegasus Moon, Imperial Year 1185
The Cathedral at Garreg Mach was always a place of comfort for me. Even as a student I would sometimes spend hours in there praying or just lingering.
It was very early morning; the sun hadn’t risen yet and darkness flooded the Cathedral save for moonlight that spilled in through the holes in the ceiling. I knew I there was a war table meeting in a couple of hours to discuss our journey to Ailell at the end of the month to meet with Lord Rodrigue, but I hadn’t been able to sleep. The events of the previous day weighed heavily upon my mind.
”When next we meet, I will kill you without hesitation.”
I hadn’t been able to stop crying for the entire night. I had hidden in room crying as quietly as possible, but as the hours wore on my sobs had only increased instead of subsiding. It had gotten to a point where I was concerned that I would wake Lysithea up. So I left my room and went to the Cathedral. I had hoped that being in this wonderful and familiar place would soothe the anguish in my heart, but here I sat—in the front row of the pews unable to contain my tears.
Even in the solitude of the Cathedral, I stifled my sobs with all my strength. I dipped my body forward as I cried as quietly as possible, even though I was alone inside the sanctuary. The pain inside of me was so great, the guilt stabbing deep into my heart. Emile...oh Emile... My mouth was pressed tightly closed but I couldn’t stop the moan that rumbled in my throat. My brother...my poor brother...I have failed you so greatly...
A hand gently touched my shoulder, startling me greatly. I cried out and swiftly stood up, scrubbing the tears from my face as fast as I could. I knew that whoever was here with me was an ally, but I didn’t want them to see me upset. I forced a smile as I turned around. “Y...Yes?”
”Are you all right, Mercedes?”
I allowed myself to relax as I recognized this voice, and the face that emerged from the shadows. “O-Oh, hello Sylvain.”
Sylvain Jose Gautier had his hands up as though to show me he meant no harm. He was not wearing his black armor, but he was wearing the green shirt and red pants he always wore underneath his armor. I saw the concern in his brown eyes, and the worry in his expression caused tears to sting my eyes again. I blinked rapidly to clear them and I felt a more natural smile slip onto my face. “What brings you here?”
”I couldn’t sleep,” he admitted sheepishly. “So I went for a walk and found myself here. I-I thought I heard—” he looked away and rubbed at his nape awkwardly.
”Something seems to be troubling you,” I observed. I pushed aside my own inner turmoil and moved towards him. “You know you can speak to me if you need someone to talk to.”
Sylvain’s eyes flickered back over to me, and my heart skipped a beat when he gave a small smile. “I know Mercedes, but I’m quite all right. I was actually worried about you.”
”Me? I don’t—”
Sylvain reached out and gently wiped underneath my eye with one finger. When he withdrew his hand I saw that he had collected a teardrop on his finger. I looked up at him, but he...I felt more tears slip out when I saw the way he was looking at me. He still looked concerned, but also like he was in pain. “I...”
”Mercedes.” His tone was now low, gentle even. “You didn’t let me hide from you when I cried. Please, don’t hide from me now.”
My throat closed and the pain in my chest spread. The sobs that I’d suppressed were trying to wrench free, and my body started shaking as I tried to vain to hold them in. My vision was blurred from my tears so I closed my eyes, but I couldn’t stop them from escaping. I tried to speak, but the pain in my throat took my breath away and I barely spoke above a whisper. “My brother...” it was all I could manage to say.
”I heard,” Sylvain said softly. “I know I wasn’t there for the mission, and I wish to goddess that I’d been there, but Felix told me what happened. I’m so sorry, Mercedes.”
The sobs ruptured out of my throat. Before I could catch my breath I was screaming wailing so hard and so loud that the sound frightened me. I was blinded by my tears but I surged forward and grabbed Sylvain by his shoulders. I didn’t have the strength to wrap my arms around him but I felt his arms close around me as I buried my face into his neck and curled into his body as I tried to muffle my sobs and failed to do so.
I lost track of time; years worth of tears spilled and screamed out of me and I dug my fingers into Sylvain’s collar for dear life. I couldn’t think and I couldn’t speak; the ugly grief and pain overwhelmed me. Sylvain was silent; he didn’t use words to soothe or comfort me, but the way his hand gently stroked my hair and the sensation of his arms around me felt like a balm against my emotional wounds.
I don’t know how long we stood there holding each other when my sobs subsided, but my head hurt and I felt dizzy from emotional turmoil and from crying so hard. I swayed on my feet, even in Sylvain’s arms, and he held onto me tighter. My eyes were still closed as he guided me back to the pews and we both sat down. “I got you, Mercedes.”
I nodded, my throat feeling raw from crying. I felt a cloth be pressed against my cheek, and I realized that Sylvain was cleaning the tears from my face. I was still clinging to my own handkerchief so he must have been using his own. “Don’t worry, it’s clean.” His tone was so soft and reassuring and I felt the urge to cling to him and cry again, but I forced myself under control. I was still feeling light-headed, even while sitting down, and I knew if I started crying again I might actually faint.
Sylvain’s ministrations were soft touches of his handkerchief against my cheeks, as though he was concerned he would cause rashes if he rubbed my skin too hard. I sighed quietly and allowed myself to bask in his attention for a little bit. When I had joined the Academy, it was easy to love the students of the Blue Lions House. All of them were so wonderful in their own little ways and it had felt good to bond with everyone and form different friendships with the other students.
Sylvain...he was always different. Multiple people had warned me against him (particularly Ingrid) and I knew his bad reputation as a philandering heartbreaker was not unwarranted. I had seen how he had treated his lovers and it was honestly disappointing seeing him show those women such contempt.
But...But I also found my heart breaking for him, because when I saw his personality in action I could see that he was wearing a mask to hide his true self. Indeed, so many of us in the Academy wore different masks to hide ourselves. I knew when some people looked at him they only saw a self-centered, carefree man who only cared about himself. But I saw the pain inside his heart. I had seen it quite clearly when we fought his brother Miklan all those years ago. While others saw only his mask, I saw beneath the mask. And the more I saw underneath his mask, and coaxed him to show me his true self, the more my heart ached for him. I pitied him, but I also yearned for him.
I love him.
But I had felt awful about falling in love with him. Sylvain had opened himself to me, shown me the pain in his heart, and I fell in love with the man he showed me. But he...I knew that showing this side of him to me was emotionally draining, and I felt horrible about loving him when he was so emotionally vulnerable. I had thought that I didn’t have the right to love him when he had exposed so much of himself to me, when I had given him nothing of myself in return.
But now...now he was seeing me at my lowest emotional point. I didn’t dare think that this would make us even, because such a thought was inappropriate.
”There,” Sylvain said when he finished cleaning my face. I opened my eyes and forced myself to meet his gaze. He was smiling, but it was gentle and soothing. He reached out and tucked some strands of my hair behind one ear. “I won’t ask if you feel better, but I can imagine you’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.”
I nodded slowly and allowed myself to look away. “I...I don’t remember the last time I cried like that. Thank you for staying with me.”
”Of course I was going to stay with you. I couldn’t just leave you alone like that. You needed the company and I wanted to give it to you.”
I swallowed thickly, although I tried not to get my hopes up about his attention towards me. “You’re very kind.”
Sylvain snorted. “You’re the only one who would say that, Mercedes.”
I shook my head and looked back at him. He was no longer smiling but he was watching me closely. “I...”
Sylvain reached out and took my hand. “If you want to talk to me, take your time. You listened to all of my troubles, and now it’s my turn to listen to yours.”
”A-Are you sure? I—”
”It’s not in my nature to just leave a beautiful, vulnerable woman alone.”
The hope that had fluttered up quickly vanished. But Sylvain continued. “Talking about painful memories hurts, but sometimes you need to feel that pain to fully heal from past wounds. You taught me that, Mercedes.”
”I-I did?”
”Yes, you did. Whatever you tell me now will be kept in confidence if you so wish. I swear on my life that I’ll never tell another soul if you don’t want me to.”
I laughed softly at this. “Swearing on your life sounds a little excessive, Sylvain. Why not just swear on your honor?”
Sylvain shrugged. “I thought you would take that as an insult, since a lot people believe that I don’t have any honor.”
I burst out laughing, hiding my laughter behind my hand. “There!” Sylvain cried out, pointing to me. “I got you to laugh! See, we’re on the right track, Mercedes! You’ll feel better in no time!”
I only laughed harder at his words, which did feel better than crying. I sobered up though and nodded. “All right...I’ll tell you.”
”I know that Professor Jeritza is your little brother,” Sylvain said. “And that means your little brother is the Death Knight.”
I nodded to this. “His real name is Emile. He’s my half-brother, a child of House Bartels. When my mother had him, within a few years we were seen as a burden on the House by my stepfather.”
”Yeah. You told me House Bartels casted both your mother and you out. Was...Was that the last time you saw your brother until now?”
I nodded. “He was just a little boy, full of so much life and love. But after he was born my stepfather—he just didn’t want my mother or I around anymore. We were forced to flee. I...” the ugly memories began surging up again, and I ducked my head. “I wanted so terribly to bring Emile with us, but he was the heir to House Bartels. There was nothing we could do to bring him—no.” I shook my head furiously. “No more excuses. I could’ve done something to save Emile, to bring him with us. I could’ve snatched him from his bed and fled with only the clothes on our backs. But I didn’t. When my mother and I left, we left Emile behind. We—I abandoned my little brother. I abandoned him to his fate in that horrible household. Because I left him...because I did nothing to save him...that’s the reason he’s the way he is now. Why he...”
I felt Sylvain take hold of my chin and he lifted my head and forced me to look at him. He was frowning—he looked angry, but not particularly at me. “That was not your fault.”
”But I—”
”Enough, Mercedes,” he interjected. “What happened to Emile wasn’t your fault. You were a child too; a child that was struggling to survive in a world that discarded you. You say that you could’ve brought Emile with you, but you don’t know if you would’ve been successful at bringing him. You said he was heir to House Bartels, right? If your mother and you had successfully spirited him away, then you would’ve had battalions from House Bartels chasing you down. They would’ve killed your mother and you, and then Emile would’ve been sent back to that household. Please do not blame yourself for what happened to him when you had absolutely no control over your own fate!”
”But I should’ve done something!” I cried out. “He’s my little brother! I’m his older sister! I should’ve protected him as his older sibling! I should’ve guided him as his older sibling! Instead I left him behind, and he turned into a monster!”
Sylvain’s face softened, and he withdrew his hand. It wasn’t my intention to raise my voice like that, but he didn’t look angry anymore. He didn’t speak for long time, his expression slowly becoming wistful as he turned to sit straight in the pew. I had to resist the urge to hug him, but I watched him closely. “A...Are you okay?” I asked quietly.
Finally, Sylvain spoke. “I wish you were my older sibling.”
I was ashamed at the disappointment I immediately felt. He looked at me and paused, and I was further ashamed that I was showing the disappointment on my face. I tried to force a smile and force a positive tone as I spoke to him. “You’re quite good at compliments, Sylvain.”
”I-I didn’t mean it like that,” Sylvain said. He almost looked embarrassed. “I don’t want you to be my blood sibling, Mercedes. But I wish that I had an older sibling who had as much care and love in their heart like you do.”
I shook off the disappointment I felt. I could sense that Sylvain was about to open up to me again and so I focused on my feelings for him to compose myself and give me the emotional fortitude I needed to be strong for him in that moment. It was difficult because my grief over Emile still made my emotions feel raw, and while I didn’t feel as emotionally strong as I usually did when I spoke to Sylvain, I did feel better than I had earlier. I reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. “You told me once,” I began, keeping my voice maternally soothing. “That Miklan hated you. That he tried to kill you.”
Sylvain nodded stiffly. He wasn’t looking at me now. “Did...have I ever told you about the time he tried to kill me that led to him being disinherited?”
”No,” I answered honestly. “But I would like to listen if you feel comfortable telling me.”
”Well, I’ve already told Professor Byleth what he did so telling it again hopefully shouldn’t be too bad.” He glanced at me. “I-I mean, do you want to hear it? I came here to help you, not to burden you with my problems.”
”It’s not a burden to help you. I want to be here for you as you have been here for me.”
I saw an unfamiliar emotion flicker in Sylvain’s eyes. He looked at me fully then, and I saw him swallow hard. His expression was melancholy, but...it wasn’t just melancholy. There was something else there, but...I couldn’t define the emotion.
”Mercedes?” Sylvain’s voice sounded small, and...scared. “You...”
”Yes?”
”I...I...” he broke eye contact with me and looked away. “I, uh...”
What is he trying to say to me? The hope inside of me unexpectedly flared up, and I tried to ignore it. I held my own words at bay as I waited for Sylvain to speak. He stumbled over his words for a few moments before he shook his head furiously. “It’s nothing, forget it.”
”Oh.” I was proud of myself for not allowing my disappointment to show this time.
”So, right. The day Miklan tried to kill me.” Sylvain rubbed a hand through his red hair. “I was sixteen years old, during the Pegasus Moon. It-It was actually nine years ago to the date a couple of weeks ago. Mind you this wasn’t the first time Miklan tried to kill me, but it...it was the first time I knew for certain that he wanted me dead.”
”He’d tried to kill you before?”
Sylvain nodded stiffly. “He’d poisoned my food and tea—a couple of servants of House Gautier have actually died because they tried the food before I did. Then there was one time when I was eleven where I think he shoved me down a flight of stairs, but I hit my head pretty hard and even now I can’t remember the fall. I don’t even remember what happened that day entirely, because I was unconscious for a day. We’d all thought that it was an accident, but now...now I wonder if he’d deliberately pushed me.”
Unable to help myself, I reached up and ruffled his hair. Sylvain leaned into my touch and closed his eyes, but he seemed to remember himself and pulled away slightly. “I-I’m sorry,” I said, withdrawing my hands.
Sylvain smiled at me, and I saw that it was a genuine smile. “Don’t ever apologize for touching me, Mercedes.”
”A-Ah, okay.” I felt heat on my face. “I’m so sorry that he hurt you.”
”Yeah...” Sylvain’s smile faded. “I knew how bad things were for Miklan. I never lorded my position over him. I fought with Father constantly so that Miklan could be included in the family but I wasn’t successful. So instead I focused on trying to make Miklan love me. I-I bought him gifts, I fixed his weapons, and I tried to stay out of his way if he was angry. He...He used to hit me, like a lot. He would punch me and kick me with steel-toed boots. The first time I told Father about it he had Miklan beaten until he was unconscious.”
”Oh dear...”
”Yeah. All it did was fill Miklan with greater rage. There was absolutely nothing that I could do to appease him and make him love me.”
I swallowed thickly and reached for him again. This time I took Sylvain’s hand and he squeezed it reassuringly, but his eyes looked unseeingly into the darkness of the Cathedral. “So, the Pegasus Moon...Miklan woke me up early before sunrise and told me he had a surprise for me. He was so happy, Mercedes—he was smiling and giggling with joy. I’d never seen him like that before. H-He’d wanted to take me on a trip into the mountains. He told me that he had a gift for me and that we had to leave in secret. I thought...” his voice became quiet, and I saw tears forming in his eyes. “I thought ‘finally, finally my brother loves me’.” He shook his head and swallowed again. “We took one horse. I remember that Miklan had said that because we’d had snowfall the night before that it would be safer and quicker to ride together on one horse. So we rode for hours, deep into the mountains. We rode farther than I had ridden into the mountains. I didn’t suspect a thing.
”Finally, we came to a stop in the middle of nowhere. All I saw was a well in the middle of an empty clearing. Miklan said my surprise was in the well. So I...” tears leaked out of his eyes and he quickly wiped them away and sniffled. “I couldn’t see anything in the well, so I asked Miklan what my surprise was. And he—he said my surprise was ”my death”.”
Sylvain paused for a long moment before continuing. “I don’t really remember what happened when he pushed me. The next thing I knew I woke up at the bottom of the well with a broken leg, broken elbow, head bleeding, and Miklan was gone. The well was dry, which I guess was good because if there had been water in the well I would’ve drowned. I...sorta went in and out of consciousness, but I remember patches of time where I was screaming for help, screaming for Miklan to come back and help me. I don’t remember how long I was down there, but it had to have been a few hours. Then it started snowing, and I realized that if I didn’t so something then I was going to die down there.
”I guess...I guess the goddess was thinking of me that day, because I found a broken lance at the bottom of that well. The blade was still sharp. I-I don’t know how I did it with a broken elbow, but I used that lance blade to climb out of the well. It must have taken two hours at least—I fell a couple of times and ended up breaking my ankle on my good leg, but I was able to get myself out of that damned well. So, that was one problem solved. The next was getting home without a horse, and without any capability of walking. I-I don’t remember what happened after I pulled myself out of the well, because the next thing I knew I woke up in my own bed three days later.”
”Your family found you,” I said with relief. Of course they did, though. He’s here right now, after all.
Sylvain nodded nonetheless. “I don’t remember this, but I crawled on my belly through the snow following the tracks of Miklan’s horse. A couple of wolves found me and almost made me a meal, but that’s when the soldiers of House Gautier found me. According to them I was hysterically blabbering about what had happened. Miklan denied everything to my parents, but I had left a bloody trail in the snow all the way back to the well so he couldn’t deny what he’d done. By the time I had woken up he’d been disinherited and had been expelled from the house. I didn’t see him again until...” he trailed off.
I smiled at him sadly, my heart aching for him. I reached up and carefully wiped away the scant tears he’d shed with my thumb. “Forgive me. My own handkerchief is soiled.”
Sylvain grabbed my hand, and he looked at my fingers with half-lidded eyes. My heart thudded as I saw him clench his teeth, but it wasn’t a grimace. I didn’t know how to describe the expression on his face as he stared at my hand. After a moment he lowered my hand, though I sense his reluctance in doing so. He forced out a laugh. “How did we get so off-topic? I came here to comfort you, not to get comfort from you!”
”But I like comforting you,” I assured him. “And I’m glad you told me this story. It must have been painful to relive that memory.”
Sylvain shook his head. “It hurts, but it does feel good to talk about it with you.” He looked at me again. “I feel I can tell you anything.”
”That’s because you can.”
”So I want you to feel that you can tell me anything,” he said firmly.
I stared at him, feeling the sorrow resurfacing in my chest. I ducked my head forward and closed my eyes. “You swear to never repeat this?”
”On my life,” Sylvain calmly repeated myself.
“Emile said he will kill me the next time he sees me.” I paused before continuing. “I...If he tries to kill me, I feel I should willingly offer my life to him.”
”If he tries to kill you, then I’m gonna kill him.”
My head snapped up, but I saw Sylvain’s hard expression. “I won’t let him kill you, Mercedes. You don’t deserve to die. I know that you feel that you need to give your life to redeem yourself to your brother, but that’s not the way to do it.”
”But I—”
”Enough!” Sylvain grabbed my shoulders and shook me slightly. “You’re not dying and that’s final! We’ll figure something else out! If we have to knock your brother out and drag his ass home to your mother, then that’s what we’ll do! But don’t you ever just throw away your life like that! Do you understand me, Mercedes?!”
I was stunned by his anger. I stammered a little before I nodded stiffly. “I...all right.”
”Promise me right now that you won’t let him kill you!” His angry tone now sounded desperate, and I flushed with embarrassment. I nodded again. “I-I promise you Sylvain. If I’m to lose my life in battle, it will be because I lost a fight.”
Sylvain seemed to accept this and let go of my shoulders. After a moment he laughed awkwardly. “Just take care of your life. You don’t want to disappoint your fiancée the Professor, right?”
I burst out laughing again. “M-My goddess, how did you hear about that?!”
”I heard a rumor about your merchant “father”.” He made quotation marks with his fingers. “Being none too pleased about you telling him about engaged to our non-noble, acting archbishop Professor Byleth. I heard that he wasn’t at all upset at the idea of you being engaged to another woman, just for the fact that you couldn’t have “Crest Babies” with your betrothed.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me. “You know, if you really wanted him off your back you could’ve told him that you were engaged to me.”
I laughed even harder. “I-I’m sorry! It’s just that I had to somehow refuse the arranged marriage he’d set up for me, and the Professor was the first person I could think of!”
“Well, you could do worse than a woman who can rip the sky apart with the power of the goddess.”
I was crying again because I was laughing so hard. It took a moment for me to get myself under control. “Professor Byleth means a great deal to me, but I do not have those feelings for her. She seemed okay with me calling her my fiancée if it meant my adopted father stopped trying to arrange a marriage for me. I would rather marry for love.”
”Me too,” Sylvain said, though his tone was quiet. “I think we all would.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes. I looked down at my hands as they fiddled with my handkerchief. “...Sylvain?”
”What is it, Mercedes?”
”Can we hug again?”
”Eh?”
I looked up at him and smiled. “I hope this isn’t too forward of me, but I liked it when you hugged me. I would like to us to hold each other again, if you don’t mind.”
Sylvain was blushing dark crimson. It was cute because I’d never seen him blush like this before. He stammered, and rubbed at the back of his head. Finally, he nodded. “If-If you want to, sure.”
I decided to tease him. “Well if you don’t want to—”
”No!” He quickly interrupted me. “I want to hug you! Truly I do!”
I reached up and wrapped my arms around my shoulders like I’d wanted to do earlier. I heard him gasp as I pulled him in for a hug, and he reached up to hug me around the middle. Now with our emotions more stable, the feeling of his arms around me felt so powerful. I could feel my heart pounding from feeling him so close. I love you, Sylvain. I don’t know how you feel for me, or if I can even express to you how much I love you, but thank you for everything you’ve done for me.
Sylvain’s face was pressed into my shoulder. I felt him inhale and breathe hard against me, and I released him with the concern that I was making him uncomfortable. “Thank you, Sylvain.”
”Anytime,” he said, although he looked...disappointed? No, it couldn’t be. “It’s still very late, Mercedes. Let me escort you back to your room, we both have to be up in a couple of hours.”
I nodded and stood up. “I would appreciate the escort, Sylvain.”
We didn’t speak as he walked me back towards my room. I could still feel a lingering sadness over Emile in my heart, but it wasn’t so heavy now. I wasn’t in my nature to burden others with my problems, even Annie, but I was glad to have talked with Sylvain about this.
I’m sure Annie would not be pleased with me though if she knew that I shared a moment of physical affections with Sylvain. Ah well.
”And he we are,” Sylvain said as we climbed the steps to my room.
I quickly shushed him. “Lysithea is a light sleeper.”
”Ah,” he said, immediately dropping his voice. “This question may sound stupid, but...how do you feel, Mercedes?”
I shook my head slightly. “I feel...awful still, but better. Better because of you, Sylvain.”
Sylvain didn’t respond to me. I looked up at him again and saw that he looked uncomfortable again. He rubbed at the back of his head again. “Um...Mercedes?”
”Yes?”
”I...um...” His face twisted and he waved his hand violently. “Sweet dreams.”
”Oh. Sweet dreams to you too, Sylvain.” I smiled at him and slipped into my room. I turned and looked at my closed door. Was...Was he about to give me a love confession? I quickly shook my head. No, that’s not it. Sylvain is an extroverted, passionate person. If he were about to confess his love for me, then he would’ve just come out and said it.
I heard a loud thud outside, followed by a shout of pain. “Damn it all!”
I quickly opened the door and in the moonlight I saw Sylvain sitting on the ground near the Fishing Docks. His left foot was buried in a barrel that was gushing water through the hole his foot made. “Sylvain, are you okay?!”
”I’m fine, Mercedes!” He called back to me, waving to me. “Good night!”
”...Good night.” I slowly closed the door. After a moment I rested my forehead against the door. A lot has been going on, but I’ll get through this. Sylvain...I’ll worry about my feelings for him later. For now, I have to focus on a way to save my brother. I have to save him.