Archive of Our Own

30th of the Great Tree Moon, Imperial Year 1186

I was exhausted in body, mind, and spirit but my resolve was unwavering. I knew that no matter what emotional turmoil I was going through, it paled in comparison to the grief that Felix was not outwardly showing. I needed to be strong. I wanted to be strong.

I wanted to be there for Felix.

After the short funeral service for Rodrigue, I had helped Sylvain and Dedue guide Dimitri back to his room, and Sylvain promised us that he would keep an eye on Dimitri’s door. I made note that Felix had not returned to the dormitories. When I went to my room, for the first time I was actually grateful that my room was the first in front of the stairs, so that I could listen for him when he returned. As such I took off my armor but didn’t get dressed into nightclothes. When he returned I didn’t want to overpower him with my own grief, so upon returning to my room I decided that I needed to let out all of my grief right then and there. I would shed all my tears and crumble under the stress of my emotions and everything going on, so that when Felix came back to the dormitories I could be ready and be there for him in this dark hour.

But...it was not difficult to drown in the power of my grief.

Pressing the heels of my hands hard against my eyes, I leaned my elbows into my desk and sobbed loudly. I was unable to control the volume of my voice, as I was unable to control the emotions tearing me apart inside. The ugly images of the day swam behind my closed eyelids. We had been chasing after the retreating Imperial soldiers when we heard that Dimitri and Rodrigue had both been attacked in the middle of Gronder Field. My heart had leapt into my throat and immediately abandoned the pursuit of the Imperial army. “Follow me!” I commanded the soldiers of House Galatea under my command. “Our Prince needs us!” I tried to look for Felix, or any soldiers of House Fraldarius, but I didn’t see them at first.

Then we made it back to Gronder Field, and I saw the soldiers that served House Fraldarius first. What I saw immediately brought tears to my eyes and a cold, ugly feeling of fear filled me. The soldiers of House Fraldarius were scattered across Gronder Field, and all of them were crying. Some were silent weeping, tears streaming down their faces, others were sobbing so hard that they were howling. I couldn’t stop the words that came out of my mouth. “Oh no...”

For a brief moment, I thought that Felix had fallen and for that brief moment I felt my world crumble. But then I saw Felix, standing alone and unscathed in the area the Imperial Army had stood just hours earlier. I felt guilty for the sudden relief I felt and ran over to him. He stood stiff, hands clenched at his sides, eyes staring forward wide. I followed his gaze and saw Dimitri...and Rodrigue.

In the present I sobbed harder into my hands, digging my fists into my bangs. Dimitri had sat on the ground in a daze, bleeding from wounds but not seeming to notice. Resting against him was Rodrigue, head on Dimitri’s shoulder, eyes closed and small smile on his lips. He looked like he was asleep, but he was very obviously not asleep. Though I knew because of the grieving of Rodrigue’s soldiers around us, I definitely knew he was not sleeping when I saw the sword peeking out of Rodrigue’s body. I knew he was dead. Not too far away I saw the body of a dead girl—the waif we had recruited at the Great Bridge of Myrddin. Her face was frozen in twisted pain. I didn’t need to be told what had happened. The waif had attacked Dimitri, and Rodrigue had scarified his life to protect our prince.

And standing between the waif and Rodrigue and Dimitri stood Professor Byleth. She was shaking her head back and forth, sadness etched onto her otherwise usually calm face. “I was careless,” she was mumbling. “I ran out. I should’ve been more careful. I could’ve stopped this if I was more careful...”

I didn’t know what she was talking about, but I knew she was probably babbling because of how upset she was and so I knew her words didn’t mean anything. Everything was just a blur after that; Mercedes and Marianne both casted healing spells on Dimitri and it healed the worst of his injuries but not all of them. Dimitri didn’t respond to his surroundings; he didn’t speak or cry, he just moved where we moved him. Our retreat back to Garreg Mach felt like we were fleeing from the battlefield despite the fact that we were the victors, but everyone was numb. Soldiers of House Fraldarius were completely inconsolable; they all loved Rodrigue so much.

But Felix didn’t cry. Like Dimitri he barely responded to his surroundings, but he gave quiet commands to the soldiers who were now suddenly solely under his command. He was still wide-eyed and pale...but still stoic and under control.

But I knew he was hurting. His relationship with Rodrigue had never fully recovered after Glenn’s death (Glenn, oh Glenn...) but I knew that Felix had loved his father. He loved him but had been angry with him, and now that Rodrigue was dead they could never reconcile their differences.

I groaned in anguish as the tears still flowed. House Fraldarius meant so much to me. Had things been different I would’ve married into that household and bore children with the Fraldarius name. I had been engaged to Glenn, Rodrigue’s oldest son and Felix’s older brother. We were so young but I had loved him so much and had wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

But then the Tragedy of Duscur happened, and Glenn lost his life protecting Dimitri, and my dream of being with Glenn was impossible.

Rodrigue’s funeral was fresh in my mind, and in my grief I juxtaposed it with Glenn’s funeral nine years prior. At Glenn’s funeral no one else’s grief mattered to me but my own. I spent the entire day crying, from the moment I woke up, straight through the funeral and burial, and all the way to the moment I went to bed. I hadn’t paid attention to Rodrigue or Felix at Glenn’s funeral, but I knew that both of them had been devastated.

But Rodrigue’s funeral...at Rodrigue’s funeral I had shed no tears. I spent the entire speedy service staring at Felix. We were surrounded by House Fraldarius soldiers who were still loudly crying, but Felix showed no emotions. He didn’t speak and he didn’t cry.

But I knew that he was hurting.

The grief inside me was starting to subside and my sobs grew quiet. I removed my hands from my face and hugged my arms, huddling close to myself. I was sad that Rodrigue was dead, but I was also sad for Felix. The entire army was scared for Dimitri, grieving for Dimitri, but nobody had thought to consider what Rodrigue’s last surviving son was feeling or going through. While I was sad for Dimitri that he had to witness Rodrigue’s death when his mind was so lost to us, my concern for Felix occupied my thoughts. 

Because I love him.

I sobered abruptly at the thought, and looked towards the ceiling. Love...yes, I loved Felix. He had been one of my closest friends for most of my life, but our relationship had strained in the last few years because of our different ideologies. His words were harsh and cruel towards me, and I had also said hurtful words to him that I later regretted. I had wanted to have a good relationship with him because he had been my friend and because, had things been different, he would’ve been my brother-in-law.

Over time though, my feelings evolved without realizing it. I had thought I saw him as a friend and that I wanted to be close to him for friendship sake, for family sake. I came to realize that I thought of him a lot, and despite our harsh words towards each other we fought side by side in battle. First for our House in school and then for our country. We fought in the mud, in the rain and snow, and in the aftermath of battles we had treated each other’s injuries and stood strong. When I wasn’t near him I worried for his safety, and then I realized that I thought so much of Felix that I hadn’t thought of Glenn.

It was something I struggled with because of the fact that Felix was my friend, and I had loved his brother so much. When I realized the depths of my feelings I had panicked because I had thought that I was projecting the love I felt for Glenn onto his younger brother.

But...

But I knew this couldn’t possibly be the case. I may have loved Glenn and dreamt of marrying him, but I realized that the love I felt for Felix was different. My life experiences with the two brothers was so drastically different, and the way I felt love for them was in fact different. My love for Glenn felt soft like white clouds, innocent and idealized. My love for Felix felt raw and harsh like storm clouds, but at the same like a soothing balm and...real.

I sniffled and pulled out a handkerchief to wipe my face. One of my hands fell to my right side and pressed there. It didn’t hurt me anymore, but there was a scar on my skin. It was a scar though that I was proud of; proof that I had successfully protected Felix. I had gotten the injury in Ailell, that hot and unbearable wasteland our army had traveled to to meet with Rodrigue. From my Pegasus Daphne (I had loosely named her after my ancestor Daphnel) I had little trouble navigating the hostile landscape, but we were met with an ambush by House Rowe’s soldiers, led by the Grey Lion Gwendal. I was moving towards the northeast with Felix and Professor Byleth to meet up with Rodrigue, when a soldier of House Rowe jumped out from the hazy heat and lunged at Felix’s back. I saw him first from my position in the air (and I later learned that most everyone was delirious from the heat and saw mirages everywhere) and quickly steered Daphne towards him. I lunged forward screaming, determined to not allow anything to happen to Felix, and disregarded my own safety. I felt the soldier’s sword nick my side, missing my armor, but I didn’t immediately feel pain so I didn’t pay it any attention and instead slammed my lance under the soldier’s armor and deep into his ribs. The soldier fell dead upon the smoking ground, and I had turned to Felix to ask him if he was okay, but the pain from the wound struck me then and I swayed in my saddle. I heard someone scream as I fell from Daphne’s back and plunged towards the flaming ground. I nearly hit the ground—I felt the heat burn my face—when arms roughly grabbed me and I toppled away from the burning ground onto more stable soil.

I had blinked with delirium and realized that I was in Felix’s arms. His face was twisted in rage and he was shouting at me, his face centimeters from mine, but I couldn’t hear the words. I remember smiling because I could see that he was unhurt, and that I had successfully protected him. I asked him if he was all right, but I didn’t even hear the words come out of my mouth before I lost consciousness.

I smiled sadly at the memory as the last of my tears shed. I was proud that I had protected Felix, but he had been furious with me. Ultimately though I knew his anger was born of worry for me and not because I made him look weak and so his harsh words and harsh tone didn’t offend me.

“My point is, don’t let this happen again. If you died, I’d be...annoyed.”

I was proud of the scar I bore on my body because it was a badge of honor that showed that I saved his life. I saved him...but I hadn’t been able to save Rodrigue.

I cleaned up my face, satisfied that I had shed as many tears as I could, and looked towards my door. Even in the throes of my grieving I had kept my ears open for anyone who would come up the stairs. I hadn’t heard anyone, which indicated to me that Felix had not returned. I sighed quietly, and nodded in resolution before standing up and throwing my cape around my shoulders.

I won’t let you be alone, Felix. I don’t know what you might feel for me, but I want to be there for you. I’m coming for you.

I knew that Felix was most likely as the Training Grounds, probably pummeling the training dummies into oblivion, so I knew that was the best place to look first. It had started to rain outside, so I pulled the fur trim of my cape’s hood up over my head and headed up towards the Training Grounds. Garreg Mach felt eerie in its silence; not too long ago the area was filled with screams and cries of grieving soldiers, but now other than the soft patter of raindrops falling from the skies the area was silent. I walked alongside the First Floor Dormitories, and my eyes lingered on Professor Byleth’s door. I stopped for a moment and wondered if I should ask her to help me look for Felix. But I shook away the thought and kept moving towards the Training Grounds. I wanted to see Felix and help him in this moment, and I wouldn’t help matters if I had more people with me to help him.

I stopped in front of the Training Grounds doors. I steeled myself and took several breathing exercises before I reached for the door and pulled. The door didn’t budge at all. I tried pulling on both doors but neither one of them budged. They were locked.

I pressed my ear to the door and listened to see if Felix was in there and had locked the door behind him. But I didn’t hear anything on the other side of the door.

Okay, he’s not at the Training Grounds. He couldn’t have left the Monastery though. I’ll continue to look for him.

I sighed quietly to myself and turned around, debating where I should check next...and I saw Felix.

Felix was sitting midway up the stairs leading up to the Sauna. I quickly started to approach him, but slowed my steps as I got closer. He was still dressed in his military attire, but he was hunched forward with his elbows on his thighs, hands gripped tightly together across his knees. He had the hood of his coat pulled far down over the top part of his face.

I came to a stop right before the first step, staring up at him. He had to have known that I was standing there, but he didn’t react to my presence. He didn’t look up or say a word. He sat frozen on the stairs unmoving, not making a sound. I swallowed thickly, but gathered my resolve and carefully climbed the stairs towards him. I likewise didn’t say a word of greeting to him. I stopped on the step beside him, and after hesitating for a moment I slowly sat down next to him on the step. He still didn’t respond to my presence, but he didn’t otherwise shift away from me. I allowed myself to relax slightly and faced forward, resting my hands in my lap.

I didn’t want to say anything because I knew there was nothing I could possibly say that could make him feel better. And I knew that any attempts at platitudes would only make this horrible situation even worse for Felix. So I sat there beside him while the rain came down on us, glancing at him briefly but keeping my eyes forward because I didn’t want to make him more uncomfortable by blatantly staring at him.

Then Felix suddenly grabbed my hand in a tight grip. The motion startled me and I looked at him fully. He remained hunched forward and didn’t look at me, but I saw his lower face. I saw his mouth pulled back with the grinding of his clenched teeth from underneath his hood. And...I saw the tears sliding down his cheeks.

He didn’t make a sound once. Not a whimper, not a sob, not a groan. His body shook with the sobs he was suppressing, but he contained the nosies of grief in his throat. His left hand was gripping my right hand so tightly to the point of pain, but the pain in my chest was stronger as I felt the trembling of his body through his hand. Felix was shaking so violently that it was shaking my whole arm. I knew that if I hadn’t shed my grief earlier then I would’ve started crying right with him, and though my emotions were still raw I was able to keep myself under control. I wanted to embrace him but instead hung onto his hand with a returning gentle grip as he cried beside me.

I love you. I love you so much, and it’s killing me inside to see you in so much pain.

It was a long few painful minutes before the shaking began to subside. His grip on my hand began to relax. I saw his mouth relax into a deep frown, and he let out a shaky, quiet breath. We still sat in silence as Felix scrubbed swiftly at his eyes with the sleeve of his free hand. Then, he shoved my hand away.

It was a forceful jerk of his arm, and pain ripped through me once again as I felt his rejection. He still didn’t say anything to me, but that simple gesture spoke volumes. He didn’t need to say the words out loud. “I appreciate you being here, but you need to go away now.”

I wasn’t going to push the issue. Felix had lost so much, and he didn’t need any further stress. He had let his guard down enough to cry in front of me so I knew that he trusted me and didn’t simply see me as a nuisance.

But I wasn’t going to demand more of him when he was in a vulnerable position.

I continued to remain quiet. Felix didn’t need my words; he had needed my presence briefly, and now he didn’t. I stood up, and descended the stairs with a quiet goodbye in my mind.

”I’m here for you, as I always will be.”

I was startled when I felt a tug on my cape, and I turned around. Felix’s head was still lowered, but his hand was now gripping the edge of my cape. I felt my heart pounding in my throat as I looked at his hand. He had a tight grip, hand curled into a fist around the fabric. He still didn’t say anything, but this new gesture spoke the words he kept inside.

”I was wrong. I want you to stay.”

I swallowed thickly, and closed my eyes briefly to compose myself. Instead of returning to the spot beside him I knelt down on my knees on the step directly below his feet. I knelt in such a way that I was slightly between his parted knees. He didn’t move away from me, but his body language otherwise didn’t acknowledge my presence other than the hand gripping my cape. After a moment I reached out and rested my hands on his knees, and he released his grip on my cape, dropping his hands limply into his lap.

My breathing was short, nervous and pain-filled as I stared at his hidden face. “I’m here. I love you, and I’m here with you.” I wanted to say it out loud, but I hesitated because I didn’t know what his reaction would be. I knew that it was better to speak with my gestures and not with my words, so I kept the words to myself. I gathered my nerve and my hands left his knees and pressed against his cheeks, cupping his face. Felix’s cheeks were hot and wet. He didn’t pull away from me or push me away, so I took that as an encouraging sign. Trying to maintain a gentle and coaxing touch, I started to lift his head.

Felix resisted, shaking his head no and grabbing my wrists in a tight grip, though not to the point of pain. I waited for the moment that he would push me away, but the moment didn’t come. I don’t know how long I knelt there waiting for his rejection again as he continued to keep his face hidden. Then...then his grip relaxed. He didn’t let me go but I felt the warning in his grip wane. I could hear the words he wanted to say in this gesture.

”I don’t want you to see me this way.”

My heart was still pounding strongly; Felix had to have felt it in my pulse. I didn’t want to overstep his boundaries but I didn’t want to just leave him this way. Slowly, I leaned forward and pressed my forehead against his. I lowered my hands away from his face but he kept his hold on my wrists as I tried to ease his head up in a coaxing manner with mine. It felt awkward, the behavior abnormal to me. The last time I allowed myself to be close to a man like this was with Glenn, and now I was using subtly intimate gestures to get closer to his younger brother. I ignored the reflexive shame that wanted to flare up and focused instead on the feelings in my heart. Using gestures again to say the words I couldn’t say out loud. “Don’t be ashamed. I won’t judge you. Open up to me.”

Slowly, slowly, I was able to ease his head up and I was finally able to look him in the eyes. They were swollen red from sobbing, and had a look of anger and pain, almost like he was glaring at me. I held his gaze, praying that he couldn’t see how much I had been crying and focused on my own feelings of love and acceptance I had for him. He could glare at me and express his pain with his eyes, but I only wanted him to see what was in my heart in mine.

I don’t know how long we sat there staring at each other very closely, but then Felix suddenly reached up and grabbed me by my collar. I gasped in shock and jolted back from the unexpected movement, but he jerked me forward and our mouths smashed together so suddenly that our front teeth smacked into each other. I felt my own eyes go wide with shock, and a slight pang of pain from the hard kiss. Felix’s eyes were still staring narrowed at me, but I saw the flicker of pain briefly in them from the hard contact of our mouths. After a moment the kiss broke with a loud, awkward smack.

I still didn’t say anything. I took a moment to test my front teeth with my finger and then licked my lips. I saw Felix’s gaze drop down to my mouth, eyes now looking half-lidded. After a moment his own tongue flicked out and licked his front teeth. The motion got my attention, and I let out an involuntary short breath. He looked up at the noise and then we were staring at each other in silence again.

Felix kissed me. He kissed me. I could tell that it was an impulsive action and he clearly didn’t mean to hurt either of us with the motion. The anger was fading from his gaze, replaced with irritated embarrassment. He still held onto one of my wrists, but the grip was loose and he held himself still where he sat. He slowly released my collar with his other hand. I knew in that moment that he wasn’t going to move any further, and that he was leaving it up to me what would happen next. Whether I attack him, or walk away, or...

I pressed my mouth together briefly, and decided to take the plunge.

I leaned forward and closed my eyes. I felt Felix flinch very slightly, but didn’t lean completely away from me. I pressed my mouth against his in a gentler kiss. He pressed his lips together unyieldingly against mine and I opened my eyes. His eyes were still open, still half-lidded, but I didn’t see anger or disgust or rejection. I broke the kiss, and his mouth relaxed and he bent his head forward but not entirely to hide his face again. I pressed my free hand against his cheek and this time he allowed me to tilt his head up. I leaned forward again and his eyes slid closed. I kept my eyes open though and watched his face as I kissed him again. This time his mouth softened and relaxed. Not really knowing what to do I parted my lips and sucked his bottom lip slightly into my mouth. I repeated the gesture again, rolling his lip with my tongue, and his brow rose. I released his bottom lip and covered his mouth completely, running my tongue across his lips. His jaw relaxed, and when I repeated the gesture I felt a jolt straight to my toes when he reciprocated with a similar gesture of his mouth and tongue. I finally closed my eyes when I felt his hand release my wrist and press against my shoulder, fingers rubbing encouragingly.

I didn’t really know what I was doing. I had kissed Glenn years before, but they were little more than pecks on the cheek and mouth. I hadn’t kissed a man since until this moment, and I’d never kissed anyone with such intimacy before. I could tell by Felix’s body language and gestures that he was also inexperienced with this. Our tongues stroked each other and we sucked on each other’s mouths awkwardly, our lips fumbling against each other. Our kiss broke with the same awkwardness and I felt heat on my face, but I knew that it was from embarrassment and not from the feelings invoked from our kiss. I kept my eyes closed though, and my hands fell away from his face. I jumped slightly when they fell upon his thighs, and I held myself still for a moment. Then my hands slid forward and wrapped around his waist. After another moment I leaned back in. Our mouth opened against each other as we kissed again. I felt his arms slide around my shoulders and he pulled me close to him.

Relax, Ingrid, relax. You want to kiss him, and he wants to kiss you too. Just let things happen naturally.

That was what I did. I focused on the feelings I felt for him, and my elation at his reciprocation, and focused more than the movements of our mouths against each other. His tongue flicked inside my mouth and I sucked on it, and I heard him groan softly. The sound shook me to the core and I clung to him tighter—

“Professor! Professor!”

We broke the kiss abruptly and stared at each other in confusion at the sound of Sylvain’s panicked shouting. Following by a loud pounding sound. “Professor, please!”

”Professor!” Dedue called out.

Felix and I quickly released each other and in a flash he was flying down the stairs. Felix had superior speed to me and he was a blur as he rounded the stairwell and raced towards the First Floor Dormitories. I ran after him towards the Dormitories and ahead of me I saw Sylvain and Dedue standing in front of Professor Byleth’s door, Sylvain pounding his fist on it. I was still running up to them when Felix arrived at their side. “What is it?!” Felix demanded. “What happened?!”

Syvlain looked at him, and he looked at me when I raced up the Dormitory stairs in front of Byleth’s door. His face was pale and he looked frightened. What he said next frightened me deeply.

”Dimitri’s gone.”

Those two words filled me with dread and terror.

”What?!” Felix snapped.

”What do you mean, gone?!” I likewise shouted as the fear snapped through me.

”I-I fell asleep,” Sylvain exclaimed apologetically. “I-It was only a few moments, I swear! When I woke up his door was open and he was gone! I don’t know where he went! He’s not in the Greenhouse or the Fishing Pond or the Dining Hall! I-I’m so sorry!”

 “We’re trying to wake Professor Byleth up so that she can help us look, but she’s not responding to us,” Dedue said, his expression also full of fear.

”Is she even in there?!” Felix demanded, gesturing to her closed door.

”I’ll find out,” I volunteered. Sylvain and Dedue stepped aside as I approached the door. I knocked on it. “Professor Byleth?” I called out. “It’s Ingrid. Please excuse me, but I must come in.”

Felix, Sylvain, and Dedue stepped out of view as I cracked open her door. I peaked inside her clean room and looked around. I leaned back out and closed the door. “She’s not in there.”

Felix scoffed. “Of course she’s not in there. She wouldn’t have ignored all the shouting.”

”We have to find his Highness,” Dedue said. He was calm but his tone was full of fear. “He’s not in a good frame of mind. He may do something drastic.”

”That’s an understatement,” Felix grumbled.

”Then let’s not waste time standing here talking,” Sylvain said, waving his hands. “I’ll go look in the Cathedral.”

“I’ll check the Stables,” Dedue offered.

”I’ll check the Knights Hall,” Felix said.

I nodded. “I-I’ll check the Classrooms. Let’s hurry!”

The four of us quickly split up and took off running. I felt violently sick to my stomach as I raced around the back end of the Classroom building towards the floor. This was turning out to be one of the most emotionally draining and exhausting days of my life. As if dealing with Rodrigue’s loss wasn’t enough, now our future King, who was so narrow-mindedly focused on vengeance that he was dragging us all into the dark abyss with him, was missing. If we lost Dimitri, then it would all truly be over.

No, I won’t think that way. We’ll find him.

The courtyard in front of the classrooms was empty and silent except for the heavy rainfall. I ran to the Blue Lions classroom and pushed open the doors. “Your Highness!” I shouted as I raced inside. I searched every corner of the classroom and checked underneath the desks, but there was no one inside. Scoffing, I left my old classroom and checked the Golden Deer and then the Black Eagles classrooms. All of them were empty. I left the Black Eagles classrooms with raw emotions, and I scrubbed a hand over my face. “Your Highness!” I shouted across the empty courtyard. I was only greeted with silence. 

Calm down, Ingrid. Focus your mind and keep looking!

I ran south towards the breezeway that connected the Central Building to the Classrooms and gardens. I resolved to check the Central Building and steered left through the doors. I was about to turn into the main part of the Central Building when I saw the doors directly ahead of me were open. They were the doors that led to the Knights Hall.

Outside, in the breezeway between the Central Building and the Knights Hall, I saw Dedue standing idle next to one of the pillars. He was staring towards the Stables, but not going towards the Stables.

I ran towards him and saw Felix descending the stairs to the Knights Hall. His head turned in the direction that Dedue was looking and stopped in his tracks near another pillar. I left the Central Building and joined them on the breezeway. “Hey, what—”

”Shh,” Felix abruptly cut me off. He looked at me briefly and nodded his head towards the Stables. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sylvain running towards us from the direction of the Cathedral, but I followed Dedue and Felix’s gaze towards the Stables. My heart leapt into my throat.

There he was; Dimitri. He was standing in front of the Stables facing us, and Professor Byleth was standing directly in front of him. They were quite a distance from us, but I saw from Byleth’s body language that she was standing in his way.

”Guys,” Sylvain gasped, almost falling to his knees beside us. “What’s—”

”Shh!” Both Felix and I hissed at him. Sylvain looked towards the Stables as he straightened up and saw Dimitri and Byleth. “Oh thank goddess, she found him!” He kept his tone quiet though.

I looked between Felix, Sylvain, and Dedue before looking back at Dimitri and Byleth. “He’s trying to leave, isn’t he?”

”Of course,” Felix said grimly. “Nothing will stop him from going after Edelgard.”

”No,” Dedue said, his tone somber. “The Professor can stop him. She can convince him not to go.”

Felix scoffed. “He’s not listened to her up to this point, though. If she cannot convince him not to go, then it’s all over.”

”S-Shouldn’t we go out and help her?” I wondered out loud. “M-Maybe Dimitri will listen to reason if he hears from us, his friends.”

”There’s no point,” Felix said. “If he won’t listen to her, then he won’t listen to us. If we go out there and help her, he might respond like a cornered wild animal and attack us. The Professor has to be the only one to stop him.”

”He won’t listen to us,” Dedue agreed, though the words sounded like they were being forced out of him. “He didn’t listen to Lord Rodrigue, and the worst happened. The Professor is the only one who can do this. He will listen to her.”

“But why?” I felt stupid asking the question but couldn’t stop myself from asking.

”Because he loves her,” Felix said matter-of-factly. “He’s been in love with her this whole damn time. If he won’t listen to the woman he loves, then he won’t listen to anyone.” 

”Yeah,” Sylvain said quietly. “If he can’t—or won’t—listen to Professor Byleth now, then there will be no turning back for him.”

I looked at Sylvain, shocked at hearing his uncharacteristic fatalism about the situation, but even in the darkness his face was grim. Dedue folded his arms over his chest but his armored hands gripped his arms. “Please,” he said through clenched teeth. I looked at Felix, and he was frowning deeply but he didn’t say anything else.

The four of us stood there in the breezeway in silence, watching Dimitri and Byleth talk. Admittedly I wasn’t surprised to hear that Dimitri loved Byleth. The subject of love was probably very painful to him, but I’d been his friend for years and even five years ago I could see how different Dimitri was with the Professor compared to everyone else. He’d been so tense (and we knew now that his psyche had been so fragile) but when he was with Byleth he seemed to naturally relax. He smiled easily around her and his whole face always lit up when he talked about her. It’d been uplifting to see him so uncharacteristically happy, even it was for a short while.

I knew that whatever he felt for her, since her return his feelings of love didn’t stop his cruelty towards her when the darkness consumed him, but she had remained steadfast his ally. I knew that there was no way she felt anything less than love for him. And now...now she was the only one who could save him.

Please. Oh please goddess, please let her get through to him!

Dimitri turned away from her, but only partially. He was swaying on his feet, his body undoubtedly still weak from the wounds of battle. They continued to talk, and then suddenly Byleth moved to stand in front of him again. She extended her hand to him. In the darkness of the night, her pale hand looked a beacon of salvation.

Dimitri stared at her hand for a long time. Then...Then he took her hand. Her hand was swallowed up by his larger one, but he took her hand. After a moment, he raised her hand and pressed it against his cheek. I couldn’t make out their expressions from our position, but Byleth reached for him with her other hand. Dimitri grabbed her wrist and pressed her other hand against his other cheek.

She cupped his face in her hands and drew him closer. For a moment I thought she was going to kiss him, and my heart started pounding at the thought. However, Byleth guided his head towards her shoulder and rested it there. They stood there still for several moments until Dimitri finally moved. He grabbed Byleth and clutched her tightly around the shoulders, his face buried into her neck. They sank to the wet ground and Byleth reached up with one hand to gently stroke his hair.

It was then that I heard it. Sobbing. Soul-wrenching, screaming sobbing. It was Dimitri who was crying, shedding a decade’s worth of rage, guilt, and grief in this one moment. I could see him shaking violently, shaking so badly that Byleth was also shaking. But she held onto him and cradled him to her, letting him cling to her for dear life and cry so loud that it echoed all around us.

I choked on a sob and covered my mouth. The dread dissipated inside me, replacing instead with relief. Beside me I heard Dedue burst into tears and he pressed a hand over his eyes. He voiced the words that vibrated in my head. “She did it. She saved him...”

Felix sighed shortly on the other side of me, and I glanced at him. His expression was still hard but I could see the relief in his eyes. “We’ll know for sure how much she really saved him once he recovers from his injuries.”

”I...” Sylvain quickly scrubbed at his eyes and forced a smile at us. “I’m going to the Dining Hall. I know where the cooks have the wine hidden, and I want to get a drink. Would any of you like to join me?”

”Sure,” Felix said, surprising the both of us.

”Count me in,” I agreed.

”I would like to join you as well,” Dedue said. He dropped his hand away from his eyes, and at once the tears were gone. He looked towards Dimitri and Byleth, where they still sat in the rain. “But I wonder if I should help the Professor take his Highness back to his room?”

”Nah, leave them alone,” Sylvain said, grabbing Dedue by his shoulder and steering him towards the Central Building. “She’s done well enough on her own. She doesn’t need our help.”

Hearing this made my heart ache, but I knew that Sylvain was right. I glanced towards Dimitri and Byleth again, and she was helping him to his feet. “Let’s go.”

The Dining Hall was deserted. Dedue lit a couple of candles as we took a seat at the table closest to the garden near the Classrooms. I sat beside Felix, and Dedue sat across from us. We sat there in awkward silence for a few minutes while we waited for Sylvain to come back. None of us knew what to say; our relationships with each other had improved over the years but it was still tense. Both Felix and I had disliked Dedue for separate reasons, and Dedue was naturally not very talkative. So none of us tried to make conversation.

”I got it!” Sylvain shouted cheerfully, breaking through the silence. He jumped over the counter, holding four cups in his hands. A wine bottle was tucked under his arm. “I got the good stuff—I think this bottle has been here longer than Professor Manuela!”

”Is that really a good thing?” Felix asked as Sylvain dropped the glasses in front of us.

”Aged red wine is always good,” Sylvain responded. He poured for each of us, filling all of our cups to the brim, and poured his own glass last. He took a seat beside Dedue and raised his glass carefully because of how full it was. “Shall we have a toast?”

”What should we toast?” Dedue asked, picking up his own cup.

”Let’s toast Lord Rodrigue,” I interjected, raising my cup.

”To Lord Rodrigue,” Sylvia agreed.

Dedue nodded, and raised his cup higher. “To Lord Rodrigue.”

Felix raised his glass, but didn’t join the toast. None of us pressed the issue though and drank from our cups. I tentatively sipped my cup and tried not to wince when the red wine burned down my throat. I set my cup down and glanced at Felix. He drank heavily from his cup and set it down sharply. Sylvain and Dedue also set their cups down. We sat in silence again, all of three of us watching Felix. I knew he didn’t want to be stared at, but despite the general fear and concern for Dimitri tonight there was no denying the fact that Felix was the one who had lost the most tonight.

Felix was staring down at his cup. He traced the side of it with his finger. “That was a shallow grave we put my father in, wasn’t it?”

I flinched, and I saw Sylvain flinch out of the corner of my eye. Felix continued, not looking at any of us. “It’s not surprising, though. We had to bury him as quickly as possible, along with everyone else who died today. I checked on my father’s battalion a little while ago. Men and women, many of them older than me...and all of them were still crying.” He frowned again. “They really loved my father, looked up to him. My old man lived for so long, survived all those battles—and this was how he ended up dying. Like a true knight.” He practically spat out the words.

I once again didn’t know what to say to Felix. I just sat there and stared at him while I tried to formulate the proper words in my head.

But I didn’t need to worry about what I should say, because Sylvain spoke before I did. “Felix.”

”Hmph.”

”Do you blame Dimitri for what happened to Lord Rodrigue?”

My head snapped up and I gaped at Sylvain in horror. I almost couldn’t believe he’d said that out loud. However, Felix didn’t become upset. He flicked a finger against his cup. “Of course I do.”

All three of us looked at him closely then, but Felix didn’t look up. “That boar succumbed to his animalistic urges and he’s dragged all of us down with him. My father gave him very good advice on how to proceed, and the boar didn’t listen to him because what he wanted mattered more than the needs of other people. People that he’s supposed to be helping as the rightful King. My father died today because the boar wanted this fight to occur.”

”Felix...” I said his name involuntarily and I reached for him. But I stopped myself and withdrew my hand.

”But...” Felix lifted his head then. His expression was still hard but it more closely resembled the grumpy looks he always wore. “My father is also at fault. He could’ve had more spine in telling the boar that he was making a mistake, but he didn’t. And the way he died—he threw himself on a girl’s sword.” He scoffed again. “He didn’t need to do that. My father knew magic; he could’ve blasted that girl from a distance with a spell but he didn’t. And even if he couldn’t cast anymore spells, he was a seasoned warrior who had led many battles. He could’ve wrestled the sword away from a girl like that. He had other options than taking a killing blow. And of course that waif was at fault because she attacked our Prince and tried to kill him. She’s most at fault because she killed my father.” He shrugged stiffly. “Of course, the Professor avenged my father by slaying his killer. And...hopefully she’s saved us all by saving him.”

Silence fell between the four of us again. I picked up my cup and drank again, but it was mostly to give myself something to do. Dedue seemed content with sitting in the silence, as did Felix.

It was Sylvain who again broke the silence. “It’s been a horrible day all around. I say we finish this bottle of wine and get mighty drunk.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know about that...”

”Getting drunk is pointless,” Felix added. “Drinking to the point of passing out won’t make my father come back to life.”

”Aw, you’re both no fun,” Sylvain teased, but didn’t press it. He turned to Dedue. “I guess that leaves us. Let’s get drunk and then throw up and pass out. Preferably in that order.”

”No,” Dedue said immediately.

”No?” Sylvain echoed incredulously. “Why not?!”

”I will not get drunk.” was all Dedue said.

”Ah, that won’t do at all!” Sylvain exclaimed, slinging an arm around his shoulders. “Live a little, Dedue! You’ve certainly earned the right to get drunk!”

”No.”

”Oh, come on!”

”No.”

Sylvain’s insistence and Dedue’s blunt refusals easily broke the tension in the room and I choked on a laugh. I put down my cup so that I wouldn’t choke on the wine and I glanced at Felix. He didn’t visibly react to the increasing volume of Sylvain’s voice across the table, but the tension had eased in his shoulders. I glanced down and saw his hand resting against his thigh. I took another sip of wine, and though I wasn’t drunk I felt a little more courageous than I did before. I reached underneath the table and took his hand.

Felix flinched, and he looked at my out of the corner of his eye. I smiled back at him and squeezed his hand gently. It was the same hand that had gripped mine so tightly earlier. Felix looked away from me and picked up his cup to drink it. But...I felt his hand squeeze mine back. It was a gentle squeeze, and his hand shifted to intertwine his fingers with mine. I felt heat on my face and my heart started pounding once more. It was selfish, but...but I felt a little hope grow inside me. Felix didn’t use words to express his feelings and neither did I, but he had initiated a kiss between us, and when I held his hand he increased the intimacy of it.

Maybe, just maybe he did feel strongly for me too?

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sylvain watching us while Dedue stoically drank his wine. I didn’t know if Sylviain could see that we were holding hands, but I saw unbridled glee in his eyes and I quickly looked away. But I didn’t let go of Felix’s hand.

And he didn’t let go of mine.

“Our victory at Gronder was certainly a turning point for us. However...Rodrigue’s death has been difficult to bear.”

I didn’t drink enough wine to be hungover, but my head still ached as we stood in the Cardinal’s Room for our meeting. The mood was unbearably somber, though I was relieved to see Felix look cool and collected this morning. I didn’t doubt that he was still grieving, but he was ready and available for the army.

“Are there no lord we can rely on?” I heard the Professor ask. 

“Unfortunately, with things as they are now, I don’t think House Gautier has any resources to spare,” Sylvain said sadly. He’d drunk more than all three of us but he didn’t look like he was suffering any ill-effects of a hangover.

“I’m sorry,” I also chimed in, bowing my head. “I really wish we could help. If only House Galatea had anything to give...” because unfortunately my House didn’t have anything to give. My father provided the soldiers needed to assist Dimitri, but we barely had any resources to feed our own people. 

I could feel the atmosphere in the Cardinal’s Room grow more somber, and Gilbert looked especially stressed and stricken. I looked at the faces of my friends, and most everyone looked just as stressed and sad. I swallowed thickly and looked towards Byleth. Byleth however did not looked stressed or sad. She wore the same calm and serene expression that we were all familiar it. It was an expression that had put me at ease when I was a student at the Academy we were all caught in bad situations.

But...

”Your Highness!” Dedue exclaimed and I looked up. My jaw dropped as I saw Dimitri walk into the room. “You should be resting. Your wounds are still healing...”

”I am well, I assure you.” There was clarity in Dimitri’s voice that I hadn’t heard in years. I quickly looked towards Byleth, noting that Dimitri was also looking at her. “More importantly...may I have a moment of your time?” 

Byleth nodded. “Thank you,” Dimitri said sincerely, and I looked back at Dimitri again. I saw that his body didn’t look as tense as it’d been for the last few months. The dark shadow he’d had over his eye was gone. And his eye...the darkness that had been permanently etched into his gaze was now gone, given way to clarity.

Oh goddess, it’s true. The Professor did it!

Dimitri further confirmed this as he humbled himself before us and apologized for his transgressions. I felt my eyes go wide as I stared at him, almost not believing what I was hearing. The monster who had been our prince for so long was gone. He was back. Dimitri was back!

”Hmph,” Felix scoffed, and gestured to Dimitri. I looked towards him. “And how do you intend to make up for my father’s death?”

”Felix...” Dimitri bent his head forward slightly. His brow knitted and I could see the pain and shame in his expression. “I realize words alone are not enough to repent, but I fear they are all I have.”

”I’m not after empty words!” Felix shot back, throwing up his hands. “I want you to speak through your actions!”

Felix was understandably angry with Dimitri, but despite his harsh tone it also reassured me. He was angry, but it was a calm and rational anger. He had grieved for his father, but he was in control of his emotions.

Does this mean he...he believes in Dimitri?

I couldn’t help but get my hopes up, especially when Dimitri announced his plans to us. When he told us he was abandoning the advance on Enbarr for now to focus on liberating Fhirdiad, I almost wanted to shout with joy. I think the headache (and my still raw but gradually healing emotions) helped to keep me under control. Otherwise I would’ve thrown myself at Professor Byleth and hugged her for dear life in gratitude for everything she had done for us.

He’s going to be okay. His Highness may not fully be over the trauma he suffered, but he’s returned to us.

I looked at the others, and most everyone looked just as relieved as I did. I could even see Gilbert fighting back tears as he spoke to Dimitri. But Felix’s expression was still hard as he stared at Dimitri while he gave his impassioned speech, and remained frozen while all of us pledged ourselves to Dimtiri’s new cause.

Then Felix spoke again. His tone had not softened, but I saw his face softened as he looked at his childhood friend. “Fine. I’ll help you...in my father’s stead. But in return, you must win. You know that, don’t you...Dimitri?”

It was the first time Felix had called Dimitri by name in almost ten years. I met Sylvain’s gaze and he looked just as shocked as I no doubt looked. But we both smiled and I looked at Felix again. As we resolved to take back our Kingdom’s capital, Felix caught my gaze. He held it for a second before quickly looking away. I also looked away and smiled.

I was relieved. Felix had lost his father and his brother, but he was strong and he was serving the rightful king now as they did. And while I wanted to know what he felt for me, and why he kissed me (did he love me, or did it mean nothing at all?) I knew that at the moment it didn’t matter. There were other things we had to worry about.

I’ll make sure we succeed, so we can free our country from the Empire and so that I can live to find out what he thinks of me. If he doesn’t love me back, I’ll find a way to get over it. And if he does love me back, I’ll be with him no matter what.