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Dear Kuro,
I know you’re leaving for university tomorrow and we’ve already said our goodbyes, but i can’t stop thinking about you. A picture roll filled with our memories keeps playing through my mind on repeat, and I can't help but watch as the moments overwhelm me over and over again. I’ve been crying for three hours now, I can't sleep, I can't do anything. I feel so helpless, all that fills my mind is you.
I wrote you a poem this morning before we met for the last time. I was much happier then, with the sun raining on us as you hugged me so tightly to your chest I could feel your heartbeat against my jaw. I was a lot more hopeful too, with your reassuring voice telling me that you were going to come back for me. But now I’ve lost that feeling; all I feel is empty and scared. I can’t help but feel as if I’m going to be forgotten and replaced with someone new. Knowing you, I know I’ll see your texts and missed calls on my phone every morning. But knowing me, that won’t be enough to suffice my need for your attention.
There's something I need to tell you. Something that I’ve been holding inside of me for such a long time, something that I’ve tried so hard to throw away and puke up with my heart and self-hatred. But it never comes. I can’t take it out of me quietly, I keep trying over and over but it won’t go away. And now, I’m not sure I want it to. It’s time I let it out.
Do you remember that night when we were having a sleepover in middle school, the one with the stars hanging above us in your backyard? We felt like we could touch them, you told me they looked like they were hanging from strings that connected to God’s fingertips and I agreed. I didn’t believe in a god, but it was so surreal and magical that I knew that the stars weren’t made of anything humane.
I remember that night. It’s so clear—of course I remember it. You looked so wonderful. so carefree, so adorable, so… you . I took a picture of you in my mind that night and I won’t let myself delete it. Your gorgeous smile was so big, your face was illuminated by the clear night sky. I felt as if I was floating, absolutely delirious with joy. You took me by the hand and we danced around in your backyard for what felt like hours beneath the magical dark sky, surrounded by the beautiful night lights and june bugs. You told me that I was your best friend, but to me that didn’t feel adequate for how I felt about you. An indescribable feeling festered in my heart after that night, and I haven’t been able to remove it since.
Do you remember when we saw our upperclassmen in the gym playing volleyball? You were so marveled by their talent, it shone in your amber eyes and our future flashed before my eyes. I saw you on the court with your muscles taut and a smirk lining your lips; I knew where you were going as I felt my cheeks flush with excitement and admiration and maybe a little bit of embarrassment too. I couldn’t let you go alone. That’s why when you decided to join, I did too. It wasn’t because I wanted to. It wasn’t because I felt like it might be fun. It was only and solely because of you; it was only ever you. I joined because I knew that it would be one more way to be around you more often and that was all I wanted. I was so ravenous for your attention.
So we played volleyball, and I hated every minute of it. But seeing you look over at me during sprints with your big smile, that made the entire experience worth it. You asked me, “Isn’t this fun, Kenma?” and it wasn’t. It was terrible—but that smile was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I lied to you. I told you it wasn’t fun, but I lied. Helping you grow into a blocking monster was the most fun I’ve ever had.
You looked amazing on the court. You were strong, you were excited, you were talented. You held the team together with your spirit and sent them into war as your dangerous battalion ready to tear apart every team that came towards you. You belong on the court, Kuro. You belong in volleyball—and I was dumb to get myself involved. All I did was betray myself every time I watched you jump to block, my eyes lingering on your muscular legs a little bit longer than they should have. Hugging you as tightly as I could after every game so that I could smell your sweat and delve myself into the protection of your sore strength—I betrayed myself in every way. Though I hope I’ve never betrayed you.
Do you remember our last game together, when I thanked you for getting me into volleyball? I was lying on the gym floor surrounded in a pool of my own sweat; you made me feel as if I was beautiful that way when you towered above me and grinned, then leaned over to wipe my forehead with your jersey and lift me up into your arms. You made me feel so loved as you carried my shaking body from the empty gym to the locker room, where you helped me to change and shower because I had no energy left to do it myself. That night we slept at your house and you told me over and over how strong I was, how well I played, and how amazing it was to watch me. But all I wanted to do was tell you how I felt about you.
Kuro, all I wanted to do was kiss you.
Because I was in love with you. I am still in love with you, and it’s been eating at my head and my heart since that day in your backyard with the stars swallowing us in their warmth. I don’t want to be with anyone but you.
I don't want you to leave. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you here. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to find a way by myself. I wish you wouldn’t leave me.
I can’t imagine going to high school without you. There will be no more skipping classes to sit in the bathroom and watch shows on my phone. No more fooling around in the locker room whipping each other with towels and wrestling until I give up and collapse on your chest for you to wrap me in an embrace so tight that for once I feel okay, even when you think you’re ‘choking’ me. There will be no more sleepovers on school nights, where we hurry up and cheat on our homework so that we can dive under your fort of blankets and play video games together until we fall asleep on one another. I won’t wake up to the embarrassment of having drooled on your chest, your body sprawled across the entire bed and left leg hooked above my hips, pulling my waist so tightly to yours that I could feel every nook of your body. There will be no more of your soft kitten snoring into my hair, no more waking up from the best sleep I’ll ever get.
You won’t be able to braid my hair anymore while it’s wet after I shower. You won’t be here for me to rely on to buy me food and remind me to take my medicine. You won’t be here for me to run to when something goes wrong. I can’t imagine not having anyone. I’m so scared.
But I know full well that it’s too late—I wrote this too late on purpose. I wanted you to know how I felt, but I want you to know that I would understand if you don’t feel the same way for me. I’ve lived most of my life with you with the constant reminder of my love being unrequited, I’m sure I can handle a few more years.
If my love for you is requited though… I think it might hurt even worse. Knowing that I could have had you, but I was too late. I’m too late. I’m sorry.
I love you, Kuro. And I’m going to miss you so bad.
I hope that you have fun at university. Please text me a lot.
Love,
Kenma