Work Text:
Hey Kenma,
I just wanted to check in to see how you’re doing. You haven’t been replying to my texts or calls and I really miss you.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the first time we saw one another. Wasn’t that such a good day? It was December first, and when I met your eyes I knew I had found the one. You looked away first, but your blush was enough for me to know that my immediate feelings for you were reciprocated. Key word: immediate.
And the first time we talked? At the training camp, we sat and watched as Kuroo and Bokuto tried to scare Tsukki. You asked me, “Is that your best friend?” and I told you that he was. You said, “Yeah, Kuro is mine,” before you got up to go stop him from torturing Tsukki. You were really cute, you know. You made me blush so hard—I had such a huge crush on you.
We’ve had a lot of firsts, don’t you think? The first time I made you laugh… I think this memory of us is my favorite. When we went to dinner with Tsukki and Kuroo, I had made a comment about how slow the waiter is, and you laughed about it so hard you spit out your drink. It made my heart feel good, even though you looked at Kuroo while you laughed instead of me. But it was my joke you were laughing at, and he was your best friend. I can understand why you wanted to laugh with him instead of me.
What I don’t understand is why you didn’t tell me how you felt about him when you asked me out for the first time. I was so scared when you first proposed a date that I turned you down; a day later was the first time that I asked you out. You accepted and we held hands as we walked around the nighttime streets of Tokyo.
Our first night together, your eyes shone so bright under the moon and the stars. I liked you so much, my heart was skipping the entire time we walked down the sidewalk. We gazed at the nighttime above us and you loved it more than anything, I could tell. You had such a big smile and you glimmered like the sun. You swung our arms intertwined at the fingertips as we made our way down the street, and you had a bounce in your step. We didn’t talk much, but I thought a lot. And I looked at you a lot. You didn’t really look at me, though. I kind of wish that you did, it would’ve been really cool.
And then the first time we kissed…
Thinking about it still gives me butterflies. I’m smiling as I write this, Kenma. Are you smiling as you read? Or, if you even see this letter. I guess you’re pretty preoccupied right now.
The first time we kissed was so magical. In that café where we met up when I was in my second year and you were in your third, and we hadn’t seen each other in a month. I was so excited to see you again, I enveloped you in a hug and you hugged me back. You said, “Tadashi! I missed you!” but I kind of wonder how much of that was a lie. Our café date, that was definitely the best one I’ve ever been on with you. You were so interested, and so excited to hear what I had to say. And when I told you that you looked beautiful, you leaned across the table and you kissed me.
You were such a great kisser, I know I wasn’t your first kiss. But you were mine, and I haven’t kissed anyone else but you. I want to kiss you again, it made me feel really great when our lips met. But I don’t know what else to do, you just… ghosted me.
Anyways, remember the first time you called me your boyfriend? You were on the phone with Lev—he wanted you to take him out to eat. He was being really annoying, to the point where you snapped and said, “I’m out with my boyfriend! I’m not buying you food!” and hung up. I blinked at you a few times, but I remember that I smiled really big and put a kiss on your cheek.
“Your boyfriend?” I asked you, and you smiled pretty big too.
“Yeah,” you replied. “Is that okay?”
And I nodded, because it was even more than okay. It was great! I was so excited to be your boyfriend, I didn’t think that you would completely shut me out a few months later.
The first time we fought… I didn’t like that at all. You had told me that I deserved better than you. You had told me that I was too good to be held down. I remember distinctly what you told me before you stormed out of my bedroom.
You said, “Everything about you pointed to love, Tadashi. But I was so afraid that I would break you. You are the sweetest person I’ve ever met. But me? I know I’m a monster.”
You know, the first time I affirmed to you that you weren’t a monster, you pushed me away and told me to go date Tsukki instead. But I didn’t want to date Tsukki, no matter how he felt about me. I wanted to date you, because you made me feel happy. Was it that I didn’t make you feel happy? Because I’ll try harder. I’ll do anything to salvage our relationship, Kenma. If you would just stop leaving me on read and reply to my texts…
I remember another time you made me feel really good, though. The first time we had sex. Do you remember that? It was really amazing, I thought. You seemed to enjoy it too; you were really kind to me.
I was in the beginning of my third year and you were in university. You visited us in Miyagi and watched our practice game, then I took you back to my house. My parents weren’t home, so we goofed around on the couch kissing and tugging at each other’s clothes and laughing. You asked me if I was ready. I said yes.
I took you up to my room and showed you around, and you told me that my stuffed animals were cute, but you were going to have to put them somewhere where they couldn’t see you fuck me into the bed. That made me blush so bad, I felt my entire body’s blood flow turn upside down when you pulled me towards you and sat me down on my bed, sitting on my lap afterwards.
You kissed me, and your tongue was down my throat half the time. I didn’t mind it much, but I know I accidentally bit you a few times. Sorry about that—I’ve been trying to get better at kissing so that when I’m in university I can kiss you all the time and you’ll want me to. I hope it wasn’t my kissing that made you stop talking to me.
You laid me down and made me feel wonderful. You whispered in my ear the entire time, making sure I was comfortable and I wasn’t in pain. You made me feel protected and safe, and I have to thank you for that. I don’t know if I ever did, but you made my first time so incredibly special I won’t ever forget it. But I do wonder… was it your first time as well? It didn’t seem like it, but if it was then you were really good at putting on a fake front to make me feel better.
We christened the room with our pleasure, and you crucified me to my bed with my arms pinned above my head. You resurrected me, watching with me wrapped around your fingertips as my back arched and I fell into you. It was so magical.
I think about that night as I sleep sometimes. But it always turns sour in my dreams, and I wake up sweating or crying because you would always end up leaving me or hurting me. I didn’t know that my dreams were going to come true though.
It’s been two months since our last date. We had a lot of fun, I thought. It was our first time going to the aquarium together and I loved being with you. We looked at the fish and you told me which ones you thought looked like me. I bought you a stuffed manatee from the gift shop and you almost cried. You were so happy about it and it made me feel like a good boyfriend. We walked out of the aquarium and you held the manatee to your chest like I wanted you to hold me.
We went back to your house and cuddled on your couch until my mother called me and yelled into the phone to come home, that she didn’t want me out with my boyfriend at his house alone. Was that the reason you stopped talking to me? Because she feels bad now, I promise she won’t do anything to try and curb our relationship. Even if that was the first time that our parents had ever tried to get involved. She’s harmless, I promise. She actually really likes you. She thinks you’re very kind, even if she finds it sketchy that you’ve been ignoring me.
I know there must be a reason. I keep trying to search for it, but I’m coming up completely empty. Well, aside from one reason… but I don’t want to think about that. That’s why I’m sending this. I don’t know how to fix this, but please let me know if I can, Kenma. I really want to stay with you.
I love you.
There. That’s another first—my first ‘I love you’. Because I do, really. I think about you every day, and every night. You’re in my dreams, and everything about you makes me smile. I want to sleep in your bed for the rest of our lives, Kenma. I want to cuddle on your couch and leave kisses on your nose and cheeks.
I want you to teach me everything about you. I want to know you better than anyone, but right now I don’t think I do. I want to be the best boyfriend for you. I know your favorite songs, next time we’re together I’ll play them as I lay you down. I really want to.
I love everything about you. Even the parts that you don’t want to show me, I’ll shower with my affection. I think you’re the best thing that’s happened to me, Kenma. I want to go on a million more dates with you, and I want to throw your blankets over our heads as we lay by each other and stare into one another’s eyes.
Everytime I see you I’m reminded of the first time we met, and it makes me so warm. When your gorgeous autumn amber eyes first took from the ground and looked up—I was struck with Cupid’s arrow. I could hear the string of the bow snap back into place as you cocked your head at me and blushed. I haven’t seen you blush that brightly since then, but I’ll find a way to make it happen again.
That is, if you ever text me back.
It’s getting really late, I know I need to wrap this up. But I could go on forever about how much I love you… I don’t think you would want to hear it, though. You always smiled brighter when Kuroo complimented you.
Tsukki told me that I should just text Kuroo to make you reply to me, since you’re always with him now that you’re both in University. You guys practically live together, he told me. Kuroo has been texting him just to see how he’s doing with volleyball, but he told Tsukki that you and him are doing really well together.
Together.
Let me write the text out for you, just to let you know what I now know about you.
I’m glad that you’re considering joining a team after high school, I think whoever accepts you would benefit greatly. And thanks for asking, Kenma and I are doing really well together. We’re going out later.
Why is it that you never told me you and Kuroo went out, Kenma? Did you finally feel guilty about hiding him away while you dated me in public, is that why you stopped texting me?
Do you love him more than me? It sure seems like it, seeing that you live with him and are doing ‘really well together’ with him. It would’ve been great if you had told me this before you decided to date me. Or, were we already dating when you and him got together? At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised.
I’m not sure I can trust anything you told me anymore, actually.
There’s only one thing that you’ve ever said to me that’s sticking true in my head. Remember that night that we fought for the first time? The one I mentioned earlier in this letter?
Everything about you pointed to love, Tadashi. But I was so afraid that I would break you. You are the sweetest person I’ve ever met. But me? I know I’m a monster.
Do you remember that, Kenma? Because I do. And I can’t stop thinking about it because for once—for once you shared with me what you were really like. You’re right, you’re completely right. You are a monster. But you didn’t break me, no, you just hurt me.
I’ll break myself when the day comes. You pushed me to the edge, but Kenma? I’ll teeter here for years if I have to, because I’m not going to fucking break until you are there to witness it. I’m not going to break until you are close enough to feel the shards of glass stick in your skin.
Everything about me pointed to love, but I can turn that around real quick. There’s a few things you don’t know about me either, Kenma. I might have been the ‘sweetest person’ you’ve ever met, but I can also be the meanest.
But I will never be worse than you, because at least I won’t ever cheat and lie to my boyfriend because I’m in love with someone else. That’s just really, insanely fucked up. Just like you.
So if you can, text me back. We have a lot to talk about.
If you don’t reply, I’ll just come show up at your house. You don’t deserve peace of mind. I won’t stop until you feel my pain.
Fucking cheater.
Love,
Tadashi