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Slender yellow chrysanthemum petals and wide-petaled violet pansies dotted his bathroom sink as he continued to cough, and out of all the things that stupid horny florist missing-nin they encountered in Iwa could have cursed Kakashi with, the jounin couldn’t imagine anything more annoying than this one, not even the stupid puppet seal that had just jolted him out of bed.
When Tsubaki cursed him eight years ago, it wasn’t the first time he had pissed off a sexed-up psychotic kunoichi by politely refusing her advances, and it definitely wasn’t the first time someone had screamed at him that they would make him suffer. “You’ll know what it’s like to suffer alone in love as I did!” she had screamed before lunging at him with full force, a surge of ivy whips right behind her. While he had managed to incapacitate her soon enough with little injury to him, he had not been able to avoid the scrape of her dark green nails as she slapped a seal on his neck, which had flashed warm for just a moment. He hadn’t experienced any obvious effects by the time he returned to Konoha, and the medic-nin checking up on him had been unable to find anything wrong with him either.
“Perhaps she failed to complete the seal, Kakashi-san?” the young medic-nin had offered. “You’ve got a nasty gash on your neck, but we couldn’t find anything different about your chakra or your vitals.”
“Hm. Perhaps.” Kakashi hummed in assent.
And that was that.
Years later, after many days of training with Naruto, watching the boy-becoming-a-young-man make shadow clone after shadow clone to persist in dividing a leaf with his chakra, eventually to split a whole waterfall in half with his power, and begin his path towards developing his own high-level jutsu, the words had slipped out before he could stop himself or think about.
“Maa, Naruto, I really think I’m starting to like you!”
He had meant them very sincerely, but Naruto’s exaggerated response had come back to him that evening long after Naruto had stopped running away from him.
I didn’t mean it like that! he had whined desperately in pursuit of his former student, but now that he was alone… what exactly would it mean anyway, to like the boy like that?
Well—did he really see Naruto as just that, a boy? The blond was clearly blazing through a growth spurt and soon enough would be almost as tall as Kakashi, he knew that. But he still had some baby fat on his face, and an indomitable knuckleheadedness that would follow the jinchuuriki around for the rest of his life. And yet there was something changing with the unpredictable ninja, every day, and Kakashi knew he was witnessing not just a new man, but a new era of shinobi on the horizon when he saw Naruto at his best.
And Kakashi very much wanted to protect that.
He coughed once, and then twice, the second time harder. He felt a strange texture in his mouth, something soft and earthy in taste. He spit it out onto his hand. His eyes widened.
A cluster of wet bluebells in his palm.
Despite the weight in the pit of his stomach, he decided not to mention it to anyone.
Best not to think about this again.
But truth be told, by the time Hiruko had declared war on the elemental nations and he found that been claimed by the missing-nin’s Puppet Curse, Kakashi had to laugh. It seemed like he had a horrible knack for acquiring delayed seals, like a hobby. By this point the coughing had become more frequent, and it was at this point that he was coughing up pansies and chrysanthemums into his sink, blood pouring in rivulets down the drain. Prior to this, it had hardly impacted his ability and life had been fairly manageable save for the occasional flowery hiccup. (One time he had coughed up dandelions after a perfunctory challenge spar with Gai and he had played it off as a change in diet. The jumpsuit-wearing man decided to be vigorously vegan for a month after that to compete with his health-conscious rival).
But now, the message from the universe at this point seemed fairly straightforward. The woman’s curse rang loudly in his ears. You’ll know what it’s like to suffer alone in love as I did! And in this quiet hour when the whole village was sleep, he knew he had to be honest with himself about the nature of Tsubaki’s seal on him. It had…not gone unnoticed since he first coughed up those bluebells that he tended to cough any time his thoughts lingered on one whiskered blond with a grin that felt warmer and brighter than sunshine.
But as he contemplated giving up his Will of Fire to destroy Hiruko, a presence who threatened every single person he had ever loved, well… it seemed like a better way and a path of less suffering, if he were being honest.
Shikamaru had been the first person to know about his illness, that night he allowed himself to be possessed by the puppet seal. As he had walked away from the memorial stone, he had begun to ask the young man, “Please give a Naruto a message from me.”
The Nara had raised an eyebrow, but quickly both eyes widened as Kakashi doubled over, and blood spurted all over the concrete. “Kakashi! You’re—”
“—very fond of plant-based diets, yes, I’m sure you’ve heard Gai mention it.” Kakashi wiped the blood from his mouth, flicking the morning glories off of his wrist to the join the dark blue petals strewn across the ground.
“Is this Hiruko’s doing?”
The jounin shook his head. “Another…mishap. Bad timing both seals are being more activated now, I suppose. I had a run-in with a missing-nin years ago who said she cursed me to know her pain, to suffer alone in love. I didn’t think much of it then. Maa, it doesn’t matter much now.”
The shadow user furrowed his eyebrows. “You haven’t told anyone?”
“It hadn’t seemed noteworthy. And it isn't important now.”
The pony-tailed boy sniffed. “I suppose you’re right.”
Kakashi sighed. “That’s why it’s important you pass on this message to Naruto. You know how he is. Don’t tell him about my. Condition. Just let him know this: even if I disappear from this village, don’t come after me. Be sure he fulfills his goal of becoming Hokage.”
Shikamaru nodded. “Yes sir.”
And with that, Kakashi waved goodbye. Shortly after that that the curse activated and he felt his consciousness slip into darkness. He only prayed he didn’t kill anyone on his walk to the end.
But, as luck—or Naruto, more accurately—would have it, he was not to die sacrificing himself for his village.
Kakashi had been jolted back to consciousness when he heard something crumble and fall behind him. A rock perhaps. And he heard that voice, faintly. “Wake up. I promised Sakura. Wake up. Why does it always turn out this way? Damn it. Damn it.”
“Ohayou.” Kakashi ran his tongue across his teeth, inspecting for any stray petals in his mouth. Good morning, Naruto. Start a new day. Let’s start over. Don’t ever sound so desperate like that around me ever again.
“Sensei.” Breathy, almost like a sigh, relief pouring out of every part of that kid even though a dark miasma enveloped both of them.
“What the hell are you doing here, Naruto?” He couldn’t help but be angry. I never wanted you to follow me here.
“Man, you really made me worry! Here, look.” The bells jangled lightly in front of his gaze, shining brightly in the strange glow of Hiruko’s distorted body. “You told me to, so I fixed them. I followed the teachings of the bells and they led me to you. I’ll never forget what you taught me, Kakashi-sensei.”
Ah. That’s where Kakashi messed up. I suppose I did, at some point, tell you to follow me here. This is my mistake and failure, again.
And yet, perhaps he didn’t feel so bad about it, as he watched Naruto calmly repeat Obito’s words back to him, his resolve unbroken as he insisted that those who gave up on their friends were worse than trash.
“Naruto,” he said softly. His chest felt tight, like he could feel vines wrapping around his lungs now. It hurt to be here. But, he realized, it also hurt to imagine not being here with Naruto. The young man he loved. “Yare yare.” What to do, what to do. “Since I’m still alive, I guess the plan failed, huh.” I guess my plan failed, he didn’t say.
Kakashi felt a furious irritation when Hiruko yelled, “Give up, Kakashi. Allow yourself to be absorbed into me!” He really just wanted to respond, well I wanted to, truly, I think it would have been rather pretty to see you exploded into pieces among camellias and wisteria, but now you’ve made it entirely pointless and I won’t be able to die in peace at this rate.
But as he lifted his hitae-ate and activated the Mangekyo Sharingan, throwing a thumbs up at his former student (truly former at this point, the young man before him had truly exceeded any expectations anyone had for him, Kakashi could only think about protecting the ones he loved, the reckless blond who seemingly had moved the heavens themselves to reach the end of the earth here, in this barren place. To follow him. To find him.
Kakashi felt a quiet pride as the young shinobi of Konoha faced Hiruko. He was privately relieved he did not have to intercede much in fighting the chimera user. It made him feel awful then, when his best-timed attempt at Raikiri was easily dragged from his hand, and he felt his landings shaky as he tried to evade Hiruko’s wrath. He wasn’t coughing, but he knew an attack seemed inevitable at this point. His heart stopped when he witnessed the shining light that was Naruto’s enormous Rasenshuriken. There he was again, saving Kakashi over and over again.
He coughed up blood in his mouth. Refused to open his lips, swallowed whatever petals were there back down.
“That’s a logic someone who was born strong would think,” Hiruko had told him. He didn’t know why he felt such a softness towards the broken old man, not at first. Everyone else had cleared away from the wreckage. It was just Kakashi and Hiruko in that barren landscape.
“You should have connected with your friends instead of choosing loneliness,” he chided the chimera user gently, but he heard the words in his own heart.
“I see,” Hiruko murmured weakly. “You almost made the same mistake as I did.”
“You and I are the same. Maybe it’s not you who had really lost, but me. If I had become the sacrifice and saved the village, that would have meant cutting off my connections to the village. I was going to sacrifice the most important thing. I’m the loser here.” It was all he had wanted, and now, holding the bandaged and broken man in his arms, he felt a heavy sense of shame. Obito, I failed to heed your words again, my friend.
As Hiruko quietly faded away, lightly squeezing Kakashi’s hand, he slipped a daisy into the man’s palm.
The sounds of the Konoha youth were faint, became clearer as he focused. He looked over to see them all throwing Naruto into the air with joy.
“You’ve already far surpassed me, Naruto…” he whispered quietly to himself.
But I will keep running towards you, your back like a signpost to live, doing my best to walk alongside you again.
He didn’t mean to confess his feelings to the blond right then, not like that in front of everyone. But somehow Naruto felt something about him, when he had remarked “Sure enough, you’re just like him, you know,” and then suddenly it was a barrage of responses from the rest of the Konoha 11.
“I didn’t know you were that kind of person, Kakashi-sensei”
He’d never felt any kind of way toward the Hyuuga girl before but in that moment, good god just shut the hell up what do you mean ‘that kind of person’? And why was Sakura sighing?
“Sometimes love can blossom, by sharing the same excitement, according to this book. But between two men?”
“I knew it. You two are in love!”
Kakashi panicked as Naruto looked right at him. He knew he couldn’t hide his expression, in that moment knew he was utterly exposed. But no one else but Kakashi saw Naruto’s face in that moment, as a certain kind of realization also fell across his own whiskered countenance.
That’s when the young man shrieked.
“Come on! Give me a break!”
“Naruto, hold on! It’s a misunderstanding! Naruto!”
“Stay away!”
“Naruto!
“No!”
Kakashi chased him tightly for a long distance before he finally succumbed to a body-wrenching coughing attack. For whatever reason, the other shinobi had not followed them. Guess I’m gonna die here like this, Kakashi thought, as he watched all those flowers splay across the stony ground in front of him. The bluebells. The daisies, white as snow. The morning glories, the chrysanthemums, the pansies, piling up one by one.
And he felt his body supported by a strong grip.
“Kakashi-sensei!” He didn’t have a moment to reassure the blond, confident his light wave of his hands did not assuage the boy’s terror at all. But as the flowers continued to leave him, for the first time he felt his body get lighter. And it was then that he knew.
He had to try.
He had to hope.
So his gloved hands gripped onto Naruto’s arms, and he allowed himself to feel it all. Every last flower, like he himself was in full bloom.
It was the last time he would ever cough up flowers in such a fit, he knew that. It would be the first time he’d give himself permission to be held by Naruto. He would reassure the young man he was okay. He would tell him, “I’ll tell you one day what happened. But first you have to keep following the lessons of my bells.” Because Naruto had a world and a best friend to save first. Because Naruto deserved to learn about his own feelings, that moment of recognition earlier, on his own terms. Because Naruto deserved so much time. He would shakily whisper into Naruto’s blond hair, “Just know that I love you, Naruto.” He would make room for Naruto’s uncharacteristically shy but relieved, “Yeah, sensei. I love you too,” as he buried his face into the jounin’s flak jacket.
Kakashi would continue to hiccup the occasional bluebell or wisteria, he knew that. But he could withstand a small discomfort for just a while longer. As long as he could look to Naruto’s back for guidance.
One day, he knew, Naruto would find his way back to him.