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The winter chill still lingered in his bones but it was made bearable by the warmth of the sun kissing his skin. Cherry blossom trees bursting into flower lined the street, petals swirling gently to the ground in a shower of pink.
A perfect day.
The man walking in front of him turned to gaze back lovingly with innocence in his smile. He picked up the camera hanging around his neck and pointed it at him, rotating the lens to focus on his face. In a low sweet voice, that man uttered, “Stop there, Jinu-hyung!”
He stopped as if a spell was cast on him.
“Smile~ 1, 2-”
[flash]
“Oppa, Jinu-oppa! What are you spacing out for? The man in front already moved…” urged a younger woman to Jinu. They were lined up to order a drink at the counter.
“Oh? Ah...sorry…” he said as he moved to lessen the gap between him and the man in front.
He did it again. He went back to that day…
Once in a while, he would remember those days when he was younger. He would remember that man’s smile, that man’s eyes, and his heart would always squeeze. Because that day would never come back. What was left of him was just an empty shell - a hollow heart, because he had decided to give his whole heart to him but he never got it back. Not that he wanted it back, it was his choice to leave it with him, along with the memories of them together.
The back of the person in front of him looked familiar and it took him back to that day again. But the man in his memories was a lot shorter and a lot thinner than the confident back of the man standing in front of him now.
“One vanilla latte grande, and two iced americanos, please…” Jinu heard the man order.
No….no, no, no…
Even in his denial, he knew exactly who that voice belonged to.
It was him. The man he missed so much.
Kang Seungyoon.
When Seungyoon finished ordering and was about to leave the line, Jinu instinctively grabbed his arm, “Seungyoon-ie?”
Ahhh...if only I just held onto him like this before too.... If only I didn’t let him go….
A brief thought passes his mind.
Seungyoon stops. He looked stunned. “Kim Jinu...” he heard him softly mutter.
“Oh! Ah! Sorry!” Jinu got flustered and quickly released his hold.
Seungyoon looked surprised when he first saw him but it quickly changed into a blank expression. He could not fathom what that beautiful face could be thinking.
Has he moved on? He must have. It has been 4 years since we broke up.
The thought hurt Jinu. He might sound selfish but he hoped Seungyoon would at least show a reaction when they saw each other again — to at least be angry or to curse him for disappearing from his life without a trace. At least he will know that he still occupied a part of his mind. But Seungyoon doesn’t.
A brief silence.
Should he ask about the weather? His work? How he’d been?
Small talk.
Anything.
Just to make Seungyoon stay. But all he could utter was, “Long time no see.”
“Ah. Yeah,” Seungyoon replied.
“You still drink vanilla latte?”
“No, it is not for me.”
Another silence.
Then, for whom?
Seungyoon used to love his vanilla latte. He could still remember how cute Seungyoon looked while sipping his favorite drink — with puckered lips and full cheeks from holding the drink inside his mouth before gulping everything down.
Things had changed. He had changed. And Jinu could not think of anything to bring things back to the way it used to be.
“One vanilla latte and two iced Americanos for Mr. Seungyoon!” the counter called.
“Then…” Seungyoon said before he goes and picks up his orders.
Jinu followed him with his eyes. He saw him sit down with two other men on the table. They were carrying big instrument cases and boxes that probably held speakers and other equipment.
So he pursued music — his passion. That’s good to know.
“Oppa? Someone you know? Are you okay?” his female companion asked — making him snap out of his trance.
“Hmmm-hm...Sorry...I’m just out of it today,”
“It’s okay, you’ve always been like that hahaha...but you promised you will help me with my homework today! You can’t back out now. I ordered the drinks already.”
“Yeah yeah, princess.”
“Where should we sit to study? ”
Jinu looked around. But of course, his eyes fixed on one particular table. The table where Seungyoon sat.
“Let’s sit here,” he said, picking the table diagonal to where Seungyoon sat so he could see him and hear his voice clearly.
He opened his notes and started teaching her, “Which parts do you not understand?”
“This. How do I make an equation of the line that is perpendicular to this equation and passes through these points?”
“Ahhh...that’s easy..You just have to get the slope and…” Jinu continued to teach her but his ears concentrated on the noises from the other table.
So I’m right. They are Seungyoon’s friends. Looks like they are busking regularly. I should take a walk around the area, maybe I can meet him again.
His thoughts got startled when he heard Seungyoon’s loud laughter. He smiled. That annoying hyena laugh, it reminded him of that day.
* 4 years ago *
“AHAHAHAHA...It sounds like a broken can getting strummed. Hyung~ Why are you so bad at it?” Seungyoon laughed, mocking the elder.
He glared at him and complained, “It’s because you are not teaching me properly!”
“Aight! Come here~” Seungyoon invited in his gentle voice, making a space between his legs for Jinu to sit between. Seungyoon rested his head on Jinu’s shoulder and slowly moved his hand to reach Jinu’s fingers. He put his fingers over his and grabbed the guitar tighter. Whispering in his ears, Seungyoon said, “You need to press the strings harder to make a sound. Now, try to strum”
Finally, a decent sound could be heard as Jinu strummed the guitar in simple up and down strokes. Seungyoon guided his fingers to the right strings as he changed chords.
“There. You’re doing better. You’ll be able to play it in no time,” Seungyoon praised. He never held back in his compliments for Jinu.
After repeating for a few minutes, Jinu stopped and showed his fingers that were now red and imprinted with lines from the guitar strings, “Seungyoon-ah, it hurts,”
“Ahhh...my poor baby is hurt..what should we do with your soft beautiful hands?”
Seungyoon teased him while tenderly blowing each of Jinu’s fingers then kissing them. He added, “Your fingers need to have calluses like mine so it won’t hurt anymore. But that takes a while.”
At Seungyoon’s remark, Jinu pouted and said, “Play me a song.”
“Suddenly? Are you giving up on learning the guitar now?”
“Hmmm-hm. I could have you play for me whenever I want to anyway.”
“Ok, then…”
Seungyoon always surrendered to Jinu’s every request. He gave him a smile — the one he always gave him. A gentle smile that always felt like home for Jinu before proceeding to strum every note and bring the song to life with his emotional husky voice.
Jinu listened comfortably to what felt like Seungyoon’s lullaby as it resonated in his ears. Seungyoon’s warmth enveloped him. He fell asleep.
* present *
Right. He took him for granted. He thought nothing would change and he would always be there — understanding his every whim . He forgot that only one thing is constant in this world - change.
“So this is how you do it. Do you get it now?” he asked, finally lifting his head to explore the face of his young student.
The girl smiled and nodded, “Thank you, Jinu-oppa! I think I can ace the test now.”
“Of course! Since I’m the one who taught you. Tell auntie thanks for the warm meal she made you bring. It’s been a while since I tasted a delicious home-cooked Korean meal. You actually don't have to bribe me with this just to make me teach you though.”
“Haha... It’s not a bribe, Mom just loves you that much. I think she loves you more than me. I'm not complaining though, I’m lucky to have such a handsome and smart cousin~ Don’t go back to the US anymore, okay? Just stay here with us. Mom missed seeing your handsome face in the morning.”
“We’ll see,” he gave her a smile.
He actually just came back from the US after finishing his undergraduate study in Robotics and Computer Engineering. Four years ago, he was lost and unsure and just wanted to escape — from his parents who were on the verge of divorce. Despite the long distance, Seungyoon and he had tried to make it work. They used to have long talks over the phone even if they were miles away although he kept his crumbling family hidden from him. He didn’t want to bother him with his insecurities. But soon enough, the darkness ate him up. Seungyoon’s voice and messages that used to be a comfort to him became burdens of guilt that choked his throat. Seungyoon was too kind for him — too understanding. Until one day, he just decided to stop answering his calls. With a “Let’s break up” message, he stopped replying to him too.
One day, he realized that he had been incredibly unfair to Seungyoon.
The younger had given him all his love but got none in return.
In the end, Jinwoo had chosen to let him go. He had wanted him to be happy and he thought Seungyoon wouldn’t be happy if he was with him.
He thought time will make both of them forget. He thought Seungyoon had only become a memory to him. But after seeing him today, he couldn’t stop the flowers from blooming in his heart again. There he was, the only person he had ever loved — the one that had got away — only looking more charming and more handsome with lost time.
“Should we go now?” his cousin asked.
“Should we?” Jinu glanced one last time in Seungyoon’s direction while packing his things.
He heaved a sigh.
Hoping that he would see him again, he left the cafe with his cousin.
Before they parted ways, his cousin told Jinu, “Oppa! They said cherry blossoms will be in full bloom tomorrow. I have my classes but maybe you’d want to take a walk and see the cherry blossoms to cheer you up.”
“Really? Ok, I will. Thanks, Soo-ya.”
~~~~~~~
The next day, Jinu prepared the food he planned to bring for the cherry blossom viewing. He used to be really bad at cooking but he had learned to cook after living alone in America.
Reminiscing on the places that he and Seungyoon had used to walk by, Jinu wandered aimlessly while looking at the cherry blossoms. He didn’t have any location in mind and just followed where his feet led him. Until he heard a familiar voice.
“Seungyoon-ah,” his name escaped his mouth when he saw him.
Seungyoon and his friends were busking at the park they often went to. They were singing a sweet ballad. A serenade to the couples gathered to hear him sing.
He stopped — as if magic was cast on him.
After a long time, his heart beat faster again. It was so overwhelming that water spilled from his eyes. That voice that used to belong only to him. That smile that used to be his only sun. Those eyes that used to only see him. They did not belong to him anymore but were still so beautiful.
Always so beautiful.
Jinu realized that it’s always him. It had always been him, the only one who could make him feel this way and take his breath away. Now that he had found him again, he decided to not let him go this time.
He waited for their performance to end before he approached Seungyoon who was packing up his guitar, “We see each other again. I brought a lot of snacks, do you want some?”
Seungyoon just looked at him without answering — making his stretched out arm hang awkwardly in the air. Jinu’s heart dropped with Seungyoon’s indifference but Seungyoon’s friend enthusiastically accepted his offer, “Oh yes! I’m starving.”
Jinu smiled back at Seungyoon's bubbly friend and thanked him.
But Seungyoon doesn’t seem to like it and glared at him, “Oi! Song Mino! Stop it!”
Mino just grinned, “Why? It’s free food. I don’t turn down free food.”
Seungyoon sighed. Mino opened the lunch box, excited to see the different varieties of food inside. He picked up the sushi and swallowed it whole in one bite, “Delicious!”
“I’m glad you like it,” Jinu confidently smiled and added, “Can you let me know where your next gig is? I’ll bring everyone food again.”
Mino smiled widely and nodded, “Sure! Sure! Lucky!”
“You are always so easy to bribe,” Seungyoon grumbled at him, then finally looked at Jinu, “And you, let’s talk.”
Jinu turned at the sound of Seungyoon’s voice and a chill ran down his spine when his eyes matched his cold stare.
He followed Seungyoon quietly until they were far away from his friends. Seungyoon stopped under a big cherry tree and broke the silence between them, “What do you want?”
“You.”
He had already wasted 4 years. He couldn’t waste another minute when Seungyoon was right there in front of his eyes so he decided to be direct with him.
“What?”
“I want you. Let’s get back together.”
“Hah….You’re always so brazen. Doing whatever you want, huh, leave me when you want then come back when you want,” Seungyoon blurted out in frustration. He pushed Jinu to the big cherry tree and trapped him with his arm, “Look here, little prince.”
Seungyoon pointed to his heart, “You see this? There’s a huge scar inside this...I’m broken. You broke me. You think you can fix me just like that? Sorry to break it to you, but you can’t.”
Looking directly at Seungyoon’s eyes, Jinu uttered, “I’m sorry.”
He cannot think of any excuse. It’s he who left him. The one who broke Seungyoon’s heart.
With a resigned look on his face, Seungyoon removed his arm and turned his back on him.
“Seungyoon-ah,” Jinu called out to Seungyoon.
“Don’t call my name. Just go. Please...or I don’t know what I’ll do,” Seungyoon said without looking back and walking away.
Jinu was left alone.
The pink cherry blossoms glared at him — too beautiful — mocking him, making him cry.
***
“Your fingers need to have calluses like mine so it won’t hurt anymore. But that takes a while.”
Jinu still remembered Seungyoon’s words. A few rejections won’t faze him. A callus on his heart won’t compare to Seungyoon’s scar. He decided to try and court Seungyoon over and over again until Seungyoon could believe his heart and trust in him. Until Seungyoon could love him again.
Thanks to Mino who always texted him wherever they go, he was able to follow them to every gig they have. Seungyoon used to always glare at him but he noticed how his stares have slowly become kinder.
“Good job today, too!” Jinu greeted them after they finished performing. Then, he high-fives both Mino and Jae. He had become close with Seungyoon’s friends since tagging along everywhere. He was about to high-five Seungyoon too but stopped mid-air, figuring it might still be too awkward for him.
But even before Jinu could bring down his hand, Seungyoon briefly tapped his palm with his fist then went back to packing his things. Jinu blushed at Seungyoon’s small gesture.
Had he finally opened his heart again?
“Ah! Right! Jae and I have to buy food for Jhonny! The shop will close already! We have to go!” Mino exclaimed and grabbed Jae by the shoulder.
“We do?” Jae asked while looking confused.
“Just shut up and follow me,” Mino awkwardly left the bar with Jae and gave Jinu a wink.
Jinu smiled back at Mino. He really had to treat Mino with a good meal for always helping him be left alone with Seungyoon.
“You seem close to Mino.”
“It’s because he’s kind and friendly.”
“Maybe you’d like him more.”
“Seungyoon-ah, you know it’s you whom I love.”
“Did I say anything?”
The small hope he had been cultivating earlier shattered with Seungyoon’s remark. It annoyed Jinu that his feelings can’t seem to reach Seungyoon despite telling him he loved him everyday. For Seungyoon to think he liked Mino instead of him felt insulting and pierced him more than he thought. He finally reached his limit and pulled Seungyoon by the wrist and kissed him, “Can you still not believe I love you?”
Seungyoon stayed silent, stunned by the sudden kiss.
“If you hate it, try to avoid this next one and I’ll completely give up,” Jinu said before closing in for another kiss.
Seungyoon didn’t avoid the next one but kissed him back instead. More passionate than the last. As if he’d been saving his lips for the past 4 years until it met Jinu’s again.
When their lips parted, both were filled with tears on their eyes.
“Sorry for breaking you before, Seungyoon-ah. I won’t do it again. Let’s make new memories together.”
Seungyoon nodded and pleaded like the teen he was four years ago, “I’m still afraid, Jinu...hyung. I don’t think I could take it if you left me again..”
“I won’t. I promise and I’ll prove it to you everyday,” Jinu hugged him.
“I love you.”
“I love you more.”
In a world where everything changed each second, Jinu strived to prove to Seungyoon that his love for him would always remain constant.
Extra:
Seungyoon’s laugh faded along with the sound of the bell chimes in the background as he heard the door of the cafe close. His friend didn’t fail to notice the brief change in his attitude.
“Oh, you’re back to normal. You were being so loud earlier. I thought you’re trying to chase away all customers here for us,” his friend teased and added, “You know them? The gorgeous people who just left?”
“Why? Do you?”
“Yes, of course. That’s Jisoo and I think the pretty guy with her is her cousin, Jinu. He just came back from America.”
“Ahhh, so they’re cousins…”
Thank goodness. It would be unfair if he moved on when I’m still stuck in time four years ago.
He laid his eyes on his friend’s vanilla latte and thought, I even stopped drinking my favourite drink because I don’t want to be reminded of him.
He was still lost in thoughts when his friend asked him a question, “Don’t tell me you’re interested in Jisoo?”
“...”
“Nah? maybe Jinu?”
“Shut up, Mino”
Maybe I am. Maybe I’m still interested. Maybe he still occupies a part of my mind.
He went back to their previous topic to keep himself from thinking, “I know where we’ll perform next”
“Where?”
“A lot of couples are probably gathering at the park. I heard the cherry blossoms will be in full bloom tomorrow. Let’s go there.”
Maybe we’ll meet again if I go back to that place.
He knew he’s being a fool again but his racing heart was telling him to do otherwise. He decided to leave it to fate and maybe to Jinu — to let him come and reach out for his hand this time.
“Hmm-hm, ok. Let’s go,” his friend agreed.
-END-