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“You what?” Tony said, almost spitting out his coffee but only almost because it was coffee and he was Tony Stark. Plus, he clearly needed more caffeine because there was no way Loki had just said what he thought he said.
“I want to take DUM-E as my apprentice.”
Tony peered suspiciously into his cup. Loki smirked. DUM-E beeped curiously.
“You want to take DUM-E as your apprentice?” Tony asked. He was a genius, he’d escaped the Ten Rings, become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics overnight and saved the world more times than he cared to count but there was something about that sentence that just did not compute.
“Yes, since you are his father it behooves me to ask for your consent,” Loki explained calmly.
Tony blinked at him. “Would that actually stop you?”
“It would stop him,” Loki said, petting DUM-E’s claw. “Your children are exceedingly loyal to you Stark.”
“But-” Tony swallowed the rest of his coffee in the hopes that it would help. “What would you even be teaching him?”
“Magic.”
“J, did Pepper switch out my coffee for decaf again?” Usually he could taste the difference but maybe she’d found some new custommade abomination to torment him with.
“No sir, though I do believe you have had enough for today. You exceeded the recommended daily amount of caffeine some time ago.”
Tony snorted. “So this is really happening? Loki is really asking permission to teach DUM-E magic?”
“Yes sir.”
“Why?”
“The contract I signed with the Avengers requires it, Stark,” Loki said. “I had thought that you at least would read it.”
“I did read it,” Tony protested. He even remembered the clause Loki was talking about. They’d hoped that with Loki turning over a new leaf and joining them they’d finally have someone to teach Wanda. It was one of the many, many conditions they’d set for sweeping his crimes under the carpet. In hindsight they probably should have been more specific but they hadn’t thought that there were any other candidates for him to instruct in magic.
“Then what’s the problem?”
“DUM-E is a bot, an AI.” He wasn’t even a sophisticated one like JARVIS.
Loki shrugged. “Like all of your creations he has a soul and magic is a property of the soul.”
“What?” Maybe the problem wasn’t the lack of caffeine in his coffee, it was the addition of something else. Tony reluctantly put the cup down.
“Any being with a soul has the potential for magic,” Loki explained. “For most that is all it is, potential, DUM-E is one of the rare few who has more than that and I believe he would be a good student.”
“But I made him,” Tony protested.
“And your parents made you. The development of a soul cares little for the process of creation whether it be through mitosis or welding or binary code. It is a property of the metaphysical realm not the physical one.”
DUM-E beeped, sounding very proud of himself.
“I’ve never seen him make things glow or float or you know, anything magicy.”
“This isn’t one of your Midgardian novels,” Loki said. “Only exceedingly powerful mages show any sign of magic without the proper training.”
Tony looked at DUM-E, who was trying to pick up his ball so that Loki could play fetch with him, and decided that was probably a good thing.
The thing is Tony thought it was a joke. Loki was just trolling the Avengers, he had to be, there was no way he was meeting with DUM-E three times a week to teach him magic. They were definitely having “lessons” but Tony was sure that the lessons consisted of reading and playing fetch or something, not actual magic.
As such he was very surprised when, three months later, instead of dousing his latest fire with the fire extinguisher DUM-E froze the lab.
“What the hell?” Tony yelled, hugging himself and shivering.
“I believe DUM-E used one of the spells that Mr Liesmith has been teaching him.”
DUM-E’s claw nodded. Tony stared wide-eyed at his frozen lab.
“Loki,” he yelled.
“Yes Anthony,” the god purred, appearing in a shimmer of green. He looked around the lab, his gaze raking over Tony’s latest explosion and the layer of ice coating everything. “Well done DUM-E,” he said, his smirk transforming into a proper smile.
DUM-E beeped and whirred, whizzing (and slipping and sliding) over to the god so that Loki could pet him.
“You taught him magic.”
“Yes.”
“But-” he looked around at his still frozen lab, his breath fogging in the air. “I thought you were just trolling the Avengers.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Loki said, banishing the ice with a flutter of his fingers. “This was much more fun.”
Tony blinked at him and then he grinned. This was definitely more fun.
Thor, unfortunately, was out. He was either gullible or trusting enough that he’d never questioned Loki’s choice of apprentice. He wouldn’t be surprised by DUM-E’s magic. That still left the spy twins, Steve, Bruce and Wanda. Steve and Wanda would definitely rat them out but Tony thought that the others would keep quiet.
The spy kids were first. Tony knew that they snooped through his lab for Fury and they knew he knew so they were careful to only snoop through certain files and he was careful to leave something out for them so that they wouldn’t have the one eyed pirate breathing down their backs.
On the appointed date Tony and Loki went out for dinner and the spies dutifully watched them go and set about sneaking into the lab.
Clint went in through the vents, anticipating the occasional feral romba (there was nothing Tony wouldn’t tinker with) but no major trouble. The hiss coming from the vent that led into the lab was rather concerning.
“Is that you Loki?” Clint asked warily. He seemed to use his shapeshifting for pranks more than battle and this would be right up his alley. Besides, Tony would never let a real snake anywhere near his precious lab.
He (briefly) considered turning back but they were his vents damnit and Loki as a snake was definitely better than that time he’d walked in on Loki and Tony in the kitchen. Maybe he’d find a new formula for brain bleach down there. A guy could hope.
He crawled around the next corner and found zero snakes, which would have been good if it wasn’t so concerning. Maybe it was something else hissing, ideally something that wouldn’t explode but you never knew with Tony.
He opened the vent and dropped into the lab, nodding to Nat who had already broken in via the door. He started assessing the tech left out on the benches while Nat hacked into the JARVIS approved systems.
They both spun at the sudden thump and then relaxed when they saw it was only DUM-E. Clint rolled his eyes. Tony could afford (or more probably make) the best security in the world and he left it all to his bots. And the all seeing JARVIS but he preferred not to think about that.
DUM-E prodded him in the side and he looked down to see the bot holding his favourite ball. Nat carefully didn’t smile as he took the ball.
“What the fuck?” Clint yelled, dropping the ball which had suddenly shimmered arc reactor blue and sprouted half a dozen snakes. DUM-E beeped disappointedly and picked the ball up again, clearly not impressed with his ball throwing skills.
“I thought Loki was going out with Tony?” he said, looking around warily.
“He did,” Nat said.
“Indeed,” said JARVIS, “Sir and Mr Loki are currently enjoying dinner and a show and I do not anticipate their return for several hours.”
“Why do we keep doing this?” Clint asked.
“Fury gets paranoid if we don’t regularly ‘break in,’” Nat said, taking the ball from DUM-E, who had clearly decided that he was a substandard fetch player.
“Fury was born paranoid,” Clint muttered. DUM-E beeped impatiently and this time the ball grew eight glowing blue spider legs. Nat didn’t drop it but her eyes did snap to Clint as if to confirm that he was seeing it too and then they both looked at DUM-E just in time to see the arc reactor blue glow fade from around his claw.
“Did you?”
“Did he?”
“Well done DUM-E,” JARVIS said, “Sir and Mr Loki are very proud of you.”
Clint facepalmed, of course they were watching.
“Thanks DUM-E,” Bruce said when the bot beeped and gently poked him with his dropped pen. Tony’s kids really were sweet in small doses, in large doses they were a little too chaotic for his tastes. He half turned to take his pen back and then froze.
Slowly his eyes moved from the floating pen to DUM-E who was in the corner trying to pick up a can of oil, probably for another smoothie. Oh god. Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose.
“JARVIS?” he asked.
“Yes Doctor Banner?”
“This isn’t one of Loki’s tricks is it?” he asked. They were all waiting for Loki to begin teaching Wanda. He’d had time to settle in and then once he was comfortably ensconced in the penthouse Wanda had asked for her lessons only to be told that he’d taken DUM-E as his apprentice.
Bruce had excused himself from the shouting but it had eventually been decided that they’d let Loki have his fun and ask again in a few months when he got bored. It wasn’t as if they had a choice, the only ones who could make the Trickster do anything were Thor, who seemed fine with this turn of events, and Tony, who had laughed at Loki’s pranks even when they were arch enemies.
“JARVIS?” Bruce asked when it took a worrying long time for the AI to answer.
“Loki is indeed instructing DUM-E in magic,” JARVIS answered. “However, I believe he is doing so as part of a trick.”
“Does Tony know about this?”
“I believe Sir is in on most of Loki’s tricks these days Doctor Banner.”
Bruce just sighed, it was possible that they hadn’t thought through all of the consequences of Loki joining the team. They certainly hadn’t anticipated this one.
“You wanna put your shield away Cap?” Tony asked when Steve arrived on the communal floor.
“Oops, sorry,” he said, scratching the back of his head. The mission yesterday had been a real doozy and after gorging themselves on the take-out JARVIS had had waiting for them they’d all stumbled off to bed.
“No worries,” Tony said, waving his coffee cup through the air, but carefully because spilt coffee ranked slightly above alien invasions in Tony’s top 10 list of national emergencies.
“Put some eggs on for me please Bruce,” Steve asked as he bent to pick up his shield only to have it zip across the room before he could even touch it. Steve rolled his eyes. “Haha Loki.” He hadn’t seen the Trickster yet but the god had never needed to be in the room to pull his tricks and the Avengers were all familiar with his fondness for invisibility.
“My brother slumbers still friend Steve,” Thor said. “Even for him yesterday was taxing.”
“But-” he made another grab for his shield only to have it ricochet around the room again and stop neatly before DUM-E who was trying to clean. Possibly, Steve was never entirely sure what Tony’s bots could and could not do.
“Out like a light,” Tony confirmed, “he didn’t even stir when I got up.”
The shield zoomed away again and this time he caught the familiar glow of magic but it wasn’t green like he’d expected, or even red, instead it was arc reactor blue. Steve frowned at the bot and then turned to the rest of the team who seemed utterly unperturbed.
“I thought Loki was having us on,” he finally managed.
“So did we,” Clint said.
“But-”
“The contract didn’t specify who he took on as an apprentice,” Nat said. “We all just assumed he’d take Wanda instead of some random off the street.”
“DUM-E is much better than some random off the street,” Tony protested in mock outrage.
DUM-E beeped in agreement and then gestured between Steve and the shield with his claw, apparently wondering why he’d stopped playing this strange version of fetch. It was only then that the full horror of what they’d done dawned on him. Tony’s bots couldn’t even be trusted to make a smoothie without adding motor oil and now one of them had the power to rewrite reality.
“Why did we think letting Loki join the team was a good idea?” he asked.
“My brother is a mighty warrior,” Thor declared. “We would not have prevailed yesterday without his aid.”
Well, there was that.
Wanda stormed into the lab, magic crackling around her. Steve had told her that Loki really was teaching DUM-E magic, Stark’s bot was getting the lessons meant for her. It wasn’t fair. They were her lessons.
Steve had apologised, they’d expected Loki to try and weasel his way out of the contract but they hadn’t anticipated this. They weren’t even trying to make him teach her, he’d upheld his end of the deal, but maybe if she asked nicely...
She had asked, she’d asked again and again and again and every time Loki said no. He didn’t even give a reason, even when pressed he’d simply said that he was upholding his end of the deal.
It was good enough for the rest of the Avengers but if Loki could find a loophole so could she. If his current apprentice was unavailable then he’d have to teach her. She’d be doing the world a favour really, ridding it of another of Stark’s creations.
Her magic surged forward, twisting through the air and reaching for where the bot was docked at its recharging station.
“Beep.”
Her magic froze and shattered. Wanda screamed in frustration and channelled even more magic towards the bot.
“BEEP.”
Once again her magic failed her. This had never happened before. Sure, she’d never been able to touch Loki but he was a god, not some puny, insignificant toy of Stark’s. She reached deep within herself, flooding the room with her magic.
“BEEP BEEP.”
Wanda dropped to her knees. Why was this happening to her?
“And you wonder why I won’t teach her,” Loki drawled. She turned and found all of the Avengers standing behind her looking disapproving, even Steve. “Honestly, she’s worse than Thor.”
Thor beamed at the praise and Tony sniggered. Nat, Clint and Bruce were fighting smiles too and Steve just looked disappointed. DUM-E beeped, prodding her with a smoothie, and Wanda took it mechanically.
“You’ve made your point Loki,” Steve said. “You upheld your end of the contract. We’ll try and find someone else to teach Wanda.”
DUM-E beeped.
“Are you sure buddy?” Stark asked. “She did just try to squash you.”
DUM-E beeped some more and offered Wanda a claw.
“It seems you’re in luck Miss Maximoff,” Loki said. “DUM-E is in search of an apprentice.”
“Oh my god,” Bruce muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Well Wanda?” Steve asked.
Wanda looked at them all, sighed and shook DUM-E’s claw. How had her life come to this?
“Anthony,” Loki purred. Tony put down his coffee, that was the same tone Loki had used when he first asked to take DUM-E as an apprentice.
“What is it Lokes?”
Loki smirked. “Have you ever heard the legend of the golden apple?”