Chapter Text
Dear Arthur,
I have decided it is best I write to you about everything that happened in the two years you were gone. I know Merlin brought you back, I know he's with you everyday. And I can't tell you why I can't be with you everyday too. Trust me, I would. So I hope you're not too offended I write to you instead; I hope this doesn't hurt you any more than it already hurts me to not be able to hear your voice and see your face. It's already hard enough thinking about you all the time, knowing you're out there again but without me. It's difficult too to decide where I should start from this. I guess I should explain where I am and what I am doing now from the last memory you have of me, because they do not equate.
After your demise, I was crowned queen of Camelot. This followed with the ideals you had in mind, however I know they did not fall through with the way you had hoped them to. In result, my reign did not last very long. The people of Camelot did not believe in the queen you chose for them as much as you did, as much as Merlin did too; he was there for my early downfall. Those of your court stripped me of my title in favor of the people, and watched me lose everything I once known and had. As much as they stole everything away from me, they prepared me to be banished from Camelot knowing that if they took my home I would have nowhere else to go and they did. The once queen of Camelot was about to be turned into nothing but a forgotten memory. But I'm still here, in Camelot.
I know Merlin tells you things, he's always told you everything, so I'm sure you already know what I am going to tell you next. Merlin was not only there during my downfall, he was always there. As you are here in your castle at this very moment, so am I. Merlin gave me somewhere to go when I thought I had nowhere else. I prefer not to share any more details on the subject, I don't want you to find me as much as I would like you to; I just want you to know that I'm safe and I'm still here. And as much as Merlin tells you everything, I know he is keeping this secret for me despite his own hostility about it. One thing I'm fairly certain he told you about is how I am able to remain in Camelot without you. In order to own a place I can call home, Merlin made the unthinkable decision to give himself away to me, as he asked for my hand in marriage. I never asked him to do this, and I felt that accepting his offer was only depriving him of his own happiness. But there was no greater happiness than what you gave him Arthur, and he still wanted to do everything he could on behalf of you. So I gave him my hand, and he still has it. He has provided a life for me I knew for so long in Camelot, and I could never tell him how grateful I am. If there is anyone I would lose everything for again, it would be Merlin for everything he's given me.
I'm not sure of how you feel on the subject. Quite frankly, I'm not sure of how you feel about anything. But I cannot ask you for these are not written by your hand but only my own, so I will tell you how I think you feel. I believe you feel it was righteous of Merlin to once again give up something for you, and to even do everything he can for you even in death. I believe you feel about the thought of Merlin and I together is simply implausible, for our love of each other was once all we had ever known; but it is the very foundation of our friendship that has kept us together. I feel Merlin drifting, and I know he thinks I don't notice. I don't want you to worry about that for Merlin would never leave me knowing what would happen if he did. It means too much to Merlin to have you back, and he is protecting the one thing you treasured more than your life. Nonetheless, I believe you feel alone right now. Alone with the thoughts blackening your head about me, and why if I know you are alive I have not come to talk to you, to see you once again. No matter how many times I doubt the possibility of it ever happening again, I live my life as happily as I can knowing that you are alive. I hope you can find your own peace doing the same.
There's still so much I wish to tell you. I wish you could ask me anything you wanted and I could answer but this will simply have to do. It is a thought that after Merlin gives this to you, you can tell him anything you wish to know. I understand if you do not wish to communicate with me at all. I understand if you do not even read this and decide to turn Merlin away with it. I understand you Arthur, I always have. And I understand the ways in which you despise grief, it was never once your friend and you've never been able to handle it at all. You do what you need to do as you always do. None of that has ever changed. But if you decide to communicate with me, I will be favorable in writing to you again. I will tell you anything you wish to know as much as I can.
Gwen.