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The fey are beautiful. They float through the world gracefully in a myriad of shapes and colours. It’s all a mirage, he knows. The insidious thing about the devil is that he presents himself and his work veiled in beauty, pleasing to the senses, to plant the seeds of confusion and corruption in the hearts of men. He knows, but the loss pains him still. How can something so beautiful be so wicked? That’s the true evil of the fey: that if you allow yourself to look at them for too long, you forget what they are and start to love them.
He has wondered sometimes, could some of them be saved? Would God take them if they were given scripture and instructed in His ways, like he was? Maybe, maybe not. With all his years of sincerely, earnestly trying to serve the Lord with everything he has, he’s still unsure of his own salvation. You’re supposed to feel His grace, His forgiveness, but all he ever feels is guilt and misery.
Maybe there’s no saving their kind at all and Father Carden just deluded himself into trying. Father took him under his wing and raised him, poured so much of his time and patience into straightening his ways and giving him purpose, trying to set him on the right path. Even though he is not human, even though his skin lights up with vile magic, even though he was born a demon, Father Carden loves him. Father has given him so much, but he is… he’s just a great disappointment.
He is damned and he can feel it. He feels it in the way his heart aches with the cleansings. He does his part anyway because when God gives a command, you obey. The Lord asks His children to trust Him with all their heart and lean not on their own understanding to bring them closer to Himself. He allows His children to face trials and tribulations to grow their faith.
So he tries. Oh, how he tries. And he thinks he should feel the joy of the Lord saying to him “well done, good and faithful servant,” but he doesn’t. He desperately longs for it, but every single time, his insides churn at the destruction of those pretty, helpless things, and at this point, he has resigned himself that it might never be any different.
He knows his heart is tainted, more deceitful and wicked than any human’s, but that’s alright. It doesn’t mean he has to succumb to it. He can fight back. He takes comfort in knowing that the struggle against the flesh is a normal part of life. He might feel it more poignantly because of his sinful nature, but even humans struggle against the darkness sometimes.
He is so blessed to know these things, to be able to fight back the evil inside of him. He’s so grateful to God for taking him as His son when He could’ve just thrown him into the fire. The Lord called his name and gave him a mission for His kingdom, to protect and care for His people. And he will rise up to the call, he will. It’s just… it hurts so much.
He makes it quick to spare the fey as much as he does it to spare himself. The efficiency with which he hands them death is his own inappropriate act of mercy. It’s only when the last screams die off and holy fire is all that surrounds him that he can breathe again. He breathes through the smoke—in and out—and focuses on the crackling of the flames. He lets them consume the mangled bodies, free their souls from this cursed existence of theirs. He derives no pleasure from making them suffer like some of his brothers do, but he figures he doesn’t have to. It’s God’s place to judge and punish, not his. His task is just to cleanse the land so that God can heal it.
He has faith in this. Even the laymen know that fey witchcraft has brought God’s wrath upon them, though never before had they seen the consequences so clearly. The Lord closed off the heavens and now many starve for the iniquity of a few. But the god he serves is a god of love and forgiveness. He promised that if His people humble themselves, and pray, and seek His face, and turn from their wicked ways; He will hear from heaven, and forgive their sin, and heal their land. He promised, and the Lord always keeps His promises. So he will do his duty and the kingdom will see rain again.
Maybe one day, when he’s done, God will hear his prayers and give him rest. Maybe one day, God will heal him too.