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For all that was worth, Newt believed he did well. His parents raised him the best they could, he never actually made them unhappy or caused them serious problems. He studied properly in school, he made good friends.
The only thing he couldn’t do was to deal with himself. The daily intake of insecurity and depression took its toll, and even when he smiled the hardest, acted the brightest and pretended to doesn’t have problems, he sensed it inside of him, slowly eating away his sanity.
It felt like a prison. He couldn’t sleep at night, but he was able to crash during the day until the dark came again, then sit wide awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking. He could talk to people the whole day and laugh, but the hideous cloud above him kept on creeping to rest on his shoulders, to drag him down and maybe even drown him.
He wanted help. He needed help. But no one could provide it. He tried to talk it out, but no one would listen. They smiled and nodded, told him it’s going to be okay.
Just a phase.
You are too young to feel depressed over your life.
Smile a little, get a grip.
But he had walls around him, and he couldn’t get past them. Every time he tried, it dragged him back down. He just felt tired.
Tired of pretending to be okay. Tired of assuring his mother he was eating properly while throwing away all the food she packed him. Absolutely exhausted by the thoughts that kept on passing through his skull.
Staying alone was scary. It made him terrified. But alone he remained.
You’re sweet, but there is something about your attitude… I am sorry. It’s better if we break up.
“It’s better,” he repeated, looking down. The street wasn’t busy, only darkness lurked around corners where the light of lamps didn’t reach. He opened his palm, watched a delicate necklace that already cut into the soft flesh around its sharp corners, tainting it red.
It feels wrong to keep this. Take it.
“Take it,” he mumbled, squeezing it firmly, spilling more blood around the edges. His mind felt numb; there was no pain. The cold air around him chilled him to the bone, he felt his body shivering, but there was no real emotion connected to it.
There was no anchor to keep him here. Nothing worth to look forward to carry him away from the darkness that crept on him, day and night.
Nothing-
-worth mentioning, Thomas thought. Logistics major sounded boring, but with the widest field of a possible job in the future. It was moving goods, basically. Every company needed it. Governments needed it and military too. So it was kind of a wide view. But logistics’ people were "problem solvers" they didn’t manage it, just fix it and make it better.
It’s like a giant puzzle, kinda. You just have to make it work.
He sighed, pinching bridge of his nose tiredly. The clock already showed past 10 PM and he was still stuck at the college choosing. It was making him nervous, and his parents surely didn’t help with the constant fussing. Not to mention he had to take care of the apartment too, chose one, maybe live alone? It needed to be close to the college, or at least closer than his parent’s house.
A roommate sounds better, less strain with money .
His head started to hurt, so he quickly jumped off the bed and opened the window to get some fresh air into the warm and dry room. It chilled him immediately when a swept of cold wind blew inside unmercifully.
Poor people who get to walk home in this. I’d freeze to death.
“Tom?” a knock on his door interrupted his thoughts and he groaned internally. His mom just couldn’t give him the rest today, for real. Sometimes all this attention made him too annoyed, really wishing for a piece of quiet.
“Yeah?” he answered from the window, not even bothering to turn around. The door clicked and she entered, humming a little under her breath.
“Just reminding you about tomorrow appointment-,”
“At the doctor, I know,” he finished the sentence for her, sighing. A white puff of air escaped his mouth and disappeared in the darkness. The night was-
-calming, somehow. The wind curled around his body like a blanket, sweeping away the worry and dread, leaving him strangely unattached. He stared to the distance at the lights blinking in the midst of blackness, standing at the bridge, and took a deep breath.
I guess this is it. How was that saying?
Hello darkness, my old friend.
He let go of the railing, standing unsteadily at the thin line and-
-jumped back on the bed, bouncing up and down, papers flying everywhere. This was important. It was going to change his life. The first actual adult decision about his future.
Stupid college.
Wish I could just forget about it all.
Wish I could just forget about it all.
***
The fuss was never-ending. The pills were too strong for him to actually mind the constant chatter around him, the worried glances and tear-filled eyes. He was so tired. He just wanted to sleep, and sleep and sleep, for days, for weeks, forever.
They got him a psychiatrist, of course. He refused to talk to him. It was an annoying man, bald skull and unfriendly face.
Like a rat. Rat man for sure.
His parents were constantly there. His mom looked like she couldn’t stop crying. His dad was on border of disappointment and aggravation.
Then there was Minho, Newt sometimes wondered if he slept there or actually left between his awake and sleeping moments. He brought him his laptop and said something about passing time with a game.
“You should try it, it’s this one,” the Asian pointed at the female icon on the desktop and Newt clicked it.
“TERA?” he read the name doubtfully. “Is it some kind of female protagonist RPG?”
“An MMO,” Minho smirked. “Man, you need to socialize a little. Seriously. We started it with Alby a week ago, made a guild and all. You totes have to join, it’s gonna be fun!”
“You know very well I don’t play MMOs,” Newt grumbled and flinched when he moved abruptly, his injured leg sending an unpleasant pain through him. The medication was strong; otherwise he would probably cry his eyes out from it. His whole body felt like a giant bruise, but the leg got the worst of it.
“Well, then you have to change your fucking attitude, man,” Minho answered curtly, making Newt blink in surprise. He glanced at the Asian with raised eyebrows, such vocabulary or attitude was so not him, and met a pair of angry brown eyes in return.
“So it’s probably better now to get it out of the way, dude,” Minho continued, brushing his fingers over the edge of the notebook slowly. “This stunt you pulled. You fucking pissed me off. And not just me, man. All the people that know you. So don’t you think we are going to feel sorry for you.”
“Minho-,”
“You seriously have so little faith in us? In me?” Minho didn’t let him finish, his posture stiff. “To talk about that shit? You were fucking sick in your head and wanted to kill yourself and didn’t even tell me? You know I would listen! We would fucking deal with it!”
“Stop shouting at me!” Newt returned the anger immediately. The pills made him a little dizzy, but he still had the spark in him, and it just burned like a bonfire. “I didn’t even ask for your bloody pity, so shove your lecture-,”
“Yeah,” Minho interrupted him again firmly. “That’s right. I just wanted to know we are on the same page.”
“Yes, we bloody are, now shut up and tell me what to do with this,” Newt gestured towards the notebook sternly and wished he missed the smug smirk on Minho’s face. But liked it or not, a weird, tight knot suddenly eased up somewhere deep inside of him.
***
2 years later
[Received Whisper][Minmin]: I think it’s a pretty good healer actually.
[Sent Whisper][Badland]: I think you are just horny and want to see some elven titties.
[Received Whisper][Minmin]: It’s a nice bonus, I admit. But hey, we need a good priest in the guild! You keep on QQing about not having enough high quality healers in here?
[Sent Whisper][Badland]: Ugh, do what you want.
[Received Whisper][Minmin]: You will like the chick, dw!
[Sent Whisper][Badland]: Is it a girl?
[Received Whisper][Minmin]: I think so.
[Sent Whisper][Badland]: Ugh.
Khiori joined the guild.
[Guild][Minmin]: Welcome!!!
[Guild][Khiori]: Woo, thank you :-) Hello all!
Newt sighed, looking at the happy greeting with a frown. Definitely a girl. Or a weird guy. Maybe 13 years old. Definitely going to be on a good terms with Fizzle.
[Guild][Badland]: Sup.
He typed his unhappy greeting back and turned the guild chat off. He definitely wasn’t even a little curious about seeing Minho getting all worked up about the new addition to the Maze Runners, let alone actually interact with the greenie.
He picked the global chat instead and nagged the regulars there until Rosa appeared in the doorway, holding a food tray. She smiled at him brightly and put the tray on the table, sitting behind him and propping her chin on his shoulder.
“Turn it off already,” she said lightly, pinching his side. “Let’s go eat.”
“Yeah,” he nodded slowly and logged off without saying good bye, knowing that Minho was going to understand. Or maybe wouldn’t even notice with the elven chick in there now.
“Something happened in there?” Rosa asked and Newt only smirked.
“Nah. Don’t worry about it. Couldn’t care less.”