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It’s a very warm June-day. The sun is directly above me and I can feel the sun rays hit my face. Elias came home from a week-long trip to Morocco with his family yesterday. Now we've been sitting on the wooden stairs outside my apartment for a couple of hours catching up.
“Elias?”
“Mm?”
“I need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay, what?”
What I’m about to talk about has been weighing heavy on my shoulders for a while now and I really need to talk to someone. I turn my body Elias' way, make sure he can see my face as we talk, and take a deep breath.
“It’s about Isak.”
“Is something wrong?” Elias asks quickly.
“I don’t know and that’s the problem.” I sigh heavily. ”He’s been acting so weird lately, been distant, more silent than usual, and caught up in his own thoughts. And I have no clue what's going on. Has he said anything to you?”
“No. How long has this been going on?”
“About a month or maybe a little less.”
“Maybe it’s because of his exams, you know how stressed he gets.”
“I thought so too, but his last exam was a week ago and he’s still the same. I’m worried.”
“Have you talked to him about it?”
“Not really...”
“Why not?" Elias sighs. "Communications is key, Even.”
“I know, but we’ve hardly seen each other the last month."
“Even….” Elias sighs again. “That’s no excuse.”
“I know. I should’ve talked to him. I’m just… afraid. What if there’s something going on? Like… what if he’s trying to break up with me but hasn’t found the courage yet?”
“If that’s the case, I’m gonna eat my own sweaty socks." Elias takes my hand and links his finger with mine. "Pinky Swear!”
“Eww.” I hear my own strained laugh as I pull his finger a little.
“Exactly. It’s gross and I will never do that. That’s how sure I am he’s not breaking up with you. I’ve never seen a guy more in love than him. It’s been three years now, hasn’t it?”
“Three yes.”
“I don’t get it.” Elias elbows me and laughs. “How can anyone be in love with you for so long?”
“Idiot!” I retort laughing and elbow him back. Elias laughs too. When the laughter subsides, silence falls upon us. I think about other reasons he's acting so weird. "Do you think he could be sick and not tell me?"
“How would I know? You need to talk to him, not me.”
“Yeah.” I sigh.
I know Elias is right, but it’s not easy. Especially not when you can’t see the one you’re talking too. I can’t make eye contact with him, see his facial expressions, or interpret his body language. I only have his voice to go by. Even with ten years of experience with this, I still find it hard.
“You’re meeting him soon, aren’t you?”
“Yes.” I let my fingers run over my watch. It’s ten to three. “Oh fuck. I need to go now. He said three o’clock at the park.”
We quickly get up from the stairs. Elias disappears without saying anything. I think I hear him walk inside. Maybe he needs to pee before he leaves? Just when I’m about to turn around to go inside myself, I hear him again.
“I got your keys and cane. Anything else you need?”
“I don’t know. Isak just asked me to meet him at the park. Maybe you can find my wallet as well, just in case?”
“Sure.”
I unfold the cane as I wait for Elias to come back. He returns a few moments later and I thank him as he hands me the keys and wallet. Elias follows me until we reach the church, then our path splits.
“You’re gonna be OK, right?”
“Of course. I have google maps to guide me just in case.”
“Let me help you with that at least.”
Elias grabs the phone out of the pocket hanging loose around my neck and soon I hear a mechanical voice tell me to walk straight forward.
I thank him, we hug goodbye as we always do, and then I start to walk. I stay focused and listen carefully to all the sounds around me. The cane swings from side to side and I make sure to keep close to the buildings on the right side of me.
Four street crossings and about five minutes later, the phone lets me know I have reached my final destination – the park.
I feel the ground around me with my cane, in search of a patch of grass. The park is quite big, and I want to sit down and call Isak to tell I'm here. I don't feel safe navigate it on my own when I don't remember where things are. I don't know exactly where Isak is either.
A few careful steps forward the ground goes softer and as I take a few more steps, I can feel the grass under the soles of my sneakers.
I sit down and places the cane next to me. Just when I’m about to tell my phone to call him up, I feel a hand on my shoulder.
“Who’s there?”
“It’s me, baby.”
“Isak!”
“Hi, baby. I called your name when I saw you, but I guess my voice drowned in the noise of the truck passing.”
“It must have.”
I move my head towards Isak’s voice and give him a big smile. He slouches his arm around me after helping me up on my feet, and pull me in for a long and tender kiss.
I drop my cane and flip his beloved snapback off, letting my fingers disappear into the soft curls and gently pull his hair. Isak loves when I do that and so do I.
The kiss breaks and our lips part. I let out a shaky breath and a tiny moan fills the air between us.
“What was that for?”
“Because I love you,” he says pecking my lips.
I smile softly and brush the soft skin along his jaw. “Well, I happen to love you too.”
"Cool." Isak leans in and bops our noses. "Shall we go?"
"Sure."
Isak gives me my cane and grabs my hand. I normally hold his upper arm, for security reasons, but since we're in a big park with no cars and other dangerous things around, I feel safe just holding his hand. It's romantic the way our fingers interlock and it always makes my heart flutter when we can walk like this.
"Where are we going?"
"Just a little further up, away from all the people."
"Ok. So… what are we really doing here?"
"Uhm… eh…I am… no… we are..." Suddenly Isak fumbles with the words. "We're just hanging out."
"Okay.” I scrunch my nose at the somewhat odd answer, but I refrain from saying anything.
After a minute or so, Isak makes me stop and tells me to sit down. I fold my cane and place it beside me on the ground.
I hear some soft sounds, then a sharp pop, and I smile brightly.
"You brought beer?"
"Yup."
"Ah! Great!"
Isak hands me a one and we clink our bottles together – say cheers. I take a zip and the cold beer tastes so good. I think it’s my favorite beer.
"Is it Grolsch?"
“Yes.”
"Thanks, Issy! You’re really the best."
"I also got us some hot buffalo wings with a dip."
“Is it bring Even all his favorites day today?” I ask with a wide grin.
“Yeah.” Isak giggles then mumble something I don’t catch.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing.”
I hear some clatter and a few moments later, Isak guides my hands towards the boxes of food between us, explains what's where and hands me some napkins.
"Thank you, Issy. It smells great. This is gonna be so good."
"I think so too."
As we start to eat Isak falls into silence. He seems lost in his own head – again, and after my third buffalo wing, I understand I have to start a conversation if we’re gonna talk at all. I nudge his knee with my hand to make sure I have this attention.
“How was Jonas?”
“Good.”
“Any news from him?”
“Nah.”
“How did it go with that closet?”
“Huh?”
“The closet Jonas needed help move?”
“Oh fuck!”
“What?”
“I lost a buffalo wing in my lap.”
Isak groans out loud. I hand him one of my unused napkins and smile softly in his direction. He takes it, says “thank you.”
“But the closet, how did I go?”
“Oh... yeah… the closet… eh… good.” Isak coughs. "How was Elias? Did he and Sana have a good time in Morocco?"
"Yes, they had. It was so good to see him again.”
“That’s nice.”
I tell Isak about the trip, all the funny things Elias told me, and he just hums in response, adds a few cool and great here and there.
“When are Jonas and Eva leaving for Morocco again?"
“Friday.”
“Okay.”
Talking about traveling, sparks my own desire to do so. With Isak of course. I've hardly seen him the last month. He's been so occupied with school and exams, and the time he's been home, he's been eating and sleeping, or having people over to study. I miss being alone with him, over a period of more than just a few hours.
"I want to go on vacation too."
"Me too."
"I’ve been thinking about it and I want you for myself in Copenhagen. Rent a cute little Airbnb, have slow morning sex, drink beer for lunch, and eat all the danish pastries we can find."
"Yeah?"
"Mm. Would you like that?"
"Yes!" I can hear Isak smile and I can't help but smile back at him.
"Cool."
"Especially the slow morning sex." Isak whispers and a cute little laughter slips out of him.
I feel myself heat up just by the thought and take several large zips of the beer to cool myself down. Isak has gone quiet. I only hear some soft sounds around him and I wonder what he's thinking about.
I stretch out my arm and find his knee, place my hand over the kneecap and let my thumb press against the warm, soft skin.
"Are you thinking about the sex?" My voice is barely a whisper.
"That too," he says a bit absentmindedly.
"What else are thinking of?"
"Oh… uhm… just…" Isak lets out a few shaky breaths, then stills completely for a few seconds. "We should go to Tivoli, spend the entire day there, and ride all the fun carousels and roller coasters until we almost throw up."
I doubt that was what really was on his mind, but I smile nonetheless because the idea is great. I would love to spend a full day in Tivoli, just laughing and having fun with Isak.
"That sounds fun. We should totally do that."
We empty our beers and finish the food, then lie down beside each other on the grass. I entwine my fingers with Isak’s, take off my sunglasses, and stare at the sun with closed eyes, let the sun warm my face.
Isak goes quiet – again, just lays next to me holding my hand, and all I hear is inaudible humming and some low scattered moans.
We lie like this for a long time, or maybe not, it's hard to measure time some times. Perhaps it just feels long because all my attempts to get a conversation going has failed, Isak's response has been short, a yes, no or i don’t know, and now he hasn't said anything in a long while.
Despite the nice picnic we're having, the feeling of something being wrong creeps up on me again. The conversation with Elias from earlier today pops into my head. He urged me to talk to him. I turn my head so Isak can see me, take a deep breath, and nudge him.
"Isak?"
"Yeah?"
“Is something going on?”
“Going on? What do you mean?”
“It’s just…” I still for a moment, then clear my voice. “You’ve been acting weird for weeks. I thought it was your exams, but school ended over a week ago and you're still the same. You’re often hard to talk to. It’s like you’re not here , but somewhere else.”
“Oh… nothing is going on.”
Isak let go of my hand. He stills for a long time and I wait. Just when I can't deal with the silence any longer, he coughs like he’s clearing his voice, and I close my lips.
“Or… well… there is… eh… something going on… something… eh… we need to talk about...”
Isak's voice is wobbly. He sounds nervous, hesitant to speak. My heart starts to beat really fast and my thoughts instantly start to spiral.
Isak kissed me passionately and told me he loved me merely half an hour ago, so surely he’s not breaking up with me. But what is it then? What makes him act like this? Is he in trouble somehow? With the law or something. Or sick? Did he go to the doctors without me knowing and is now gonna tell me he’s very ill?
I feel Isak move and when I stretch out my arm, he’s not there anymore. I get myself up and try not to crash into him in the process. Isak shuffles on the grass, bumping his foot into my leg before there’s no sound or movement and I assume he sits still.
I bite my lip and take another deep breath, trying to embrace myself for whatever bad that’s about to come.
Isak takes my hands and holds them – tight. His hands are clammy and shaky, and it makes mine the same.
“You’re making me nervous,” I blurt out.
“Sorry,” Isak says and sends out a tiny, shaky laugh. “It's just… I… I… I’m nervous too, really nervous, didn’t think it would be this hard.” He sighs.
“What? Just tell me. We can deal with whatever it is together.”
Isak lets out another shaky breath, mumbles something I don't understand, then groans. I look at him, try my best to look collected, and give him a soft smile, but I don’t think I succeed very well. At least not if my face matches my inside right now.
"You… you got to hear me out without interrupting, okay?"
"Okay…?"
"Promise?"
"Yeah, yeah. Sure."
Isak takes a deep breath.
“Even, I love you more than anything. More than there are dots in a thick braille book.”
“I love you too.” I blurt out, unable to hold it in.
"Sssh! You promised."
"Sorry," I laugh, feeling both nervous and jittery.
“I fell for you the moment I laid my eyes on you. You were absolutely perfect to look at and not long after I found out you were perfect in every other way too. I have never felt like this, so happy and content, so safe and loved and I'm sure these feelings will follow me until I die.
Isak pauses, takes a few deep breaths – then continues. His voice is thick like he's gonna cry any minute. I sit completely still, but my inside is buzzing like crazy.
“Everything we have is so precious and I don’t want to lose what we have and...and… I don't want to hurt you – ever.”
Isak pauses – again.
My heart speeds up. I can hear it thumps in my ear and I feel an army of angry bees are buzzing in my stomach.
Why is he declaring his love for me like that and why is he talking about not wanting to hurt me or lose what we have? And about dying?
Oh god, is he seriously ill? Like full of cancer or does he got a big brain tumor that no one can reach?
Isak is still holding my hands, now even tighter, and it's a bit painful to be honest. He takes a long, deep breath, it hitches at the end and I hear him sniffle. The thought of him crying, tugs heavily on my heart, it always does, and I can’t sit still or be silent anymore. I break myself free from his hands and let my hand run up his arm until I find his face.
“Isak, are you…”
“D-do you want to marry me?”
“What?” My heart stills.
“Do you want to marry me?”
“But… what?”
I throw my arms around Isak, pull him into a tight hug. My eyes start to water. I can’t hold it back and cry into his neck.
“I thought you were dying.”
“What? Dying?” Isak lets out a surprised laugh. I sniffle and try to hold back the tears, talking into his neck.
“You were acting all weird and I thought you were gonna tell me something bad.” The words fall out of me like a ball down a hill and I’m unable to stop myself. “And then you started to talk about having these feelings until you died and that you don’t want to lose what we have or hurt me and…and...” My breath hitches and before I get my breath back, Isak takes over.
“Oh, baby. I’m not dying. I just want you to marry me.”
Isak strokes my back, gently and reassuringly, and after I get control of myself, I lean back and try to meet his eyes. I shake my head a little while a tiny laugh escapes my mouth.
“You’re not sick?”
“No, you silly.” Isak laughs.
“Oh good!”
I heave a sigh of relief and a small smile springs from the corner of my mouth as my heart starts to beat normal again. I rearrange myself on the grass so I sit more comfortably and end up in a lotus position.
Isak nudges my knee lightly and chuckles.
“Dying, huh?”
"Well…” I moan. “...it just didn't cross my mind at all that you would propose to me."
"So it was more likely that I was very sick, maybe dying, and hooked you up with some beer and buffalo wings to numb you a little before giving you the bad news, huh? In a park!"
Isak snorts out a laugh and I hear how dumb it sounds when he says it like that. I groan and roll my eyes, feeling stupid for thinking like that.
"Sorry for ruining your moment."
"No, no! You didn't! You were concerned and I love you for that.” Isak kisses me. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I know I’ve been super weird lately. I’ve just been so freaking nervous about asking you.”
“You had no reason to be, but I get it. I probably would’ve been too.”
I take a deep breath and fall into silence. Isak coughs and bops my nose with his finger.
“You haven’t answered me yet though...”
“Oh fuck!” I start to laugh and my smile takes over my entire face.” Yes. Yes! YES! Of course, I wanna marry you!”
I lean forward and try to hook my hand around Isak’s neck and pull him in for a kiss, but I punch him in the face instead. We both start to laugh. I try again, lose my balance in the process, and fall backward with my feet in the air. Isak follows me and lands with his face into my crotch.
We belly laugh and our bodies shake vigorously.
“Was that intentional?”
“Nope. But I like having you there.”
“I like being here.” Isak chortles and kisses my crotch.
The laughter slowly subsides and Isak crawls up to me. His body presses against mine and I feel his hot breath against my face. He adjusts himself and his leg slips between mine as he grabs my cheeks with his hands and presses his lips against mine.
The isaktonin inside me makes my whole body shake of happiness and I moan loudly into the kiss. I feel his knee presses against my dick.
“You have to move that knee or else I’m gonna get a boner.”
“Yeah?” he says, breathing into my mouth and rubbing my dick with his knee.
“Yeaaaah,” I moan. “You proposing to me makes me hot and that knee is not helping. P-please.”
“Okay.” Isak rolls off me. “I actually have something for you.”
“Oh yeah?” I smile widely, knowing that every gift Isak gives me is very thoughtful.
“It’s not rings,” Isak says fast.
“Oh… I hadn’t even thought about that.”
“I wasn’t sure if you’d wear one...”
“I’d love to wear a ring.”
“Cool. I want that too.”
I touch my ring finger and try to imagine what it would feel like to wear one every day. I’m positive it will feel great. Like a constant reminder that Isak is mine and that we’re bound together forever.
“Rings will be so awesome,” I say grinning like a fool, feeling all giddy-up.
“Yes, it will! I can’t wait to pick them out with you.”
Isak takes my hand and soon I feel his lips kiss my hand softly, one finger at the time, and it sends shivers down my spine.
“So… I got us something else in the meantime.”
Isak lets go of my hand. I hear some soft sounds. Seconds later he asks me to open up my hand and places something light in the palm of my hand.
“Open it.”
I get my hands around the gift and touch it. It’s a small box wrapped in paper with a curly ribbon around it. I tear away the paper and open the box, find a pendant with a small rectangular plate. One side is bumpy.
“A necklace.” I smile. “Thank you.”
“It’s metal. Can you feel the dots?” Isak asks.
“Yes, I feel the surface is a bit bumpy. “What is it?”
“It’s braille and you got an I on yours. I got an E on mine.”
My eyes immediately start to water. I open my mouth to say something, but I’m at loss for words. This is so sweet and thoughtful. I let my index finger run over the plate again and now I manage to connect the two dots and see the I.
“You like it?”
“I love it, baby. Thank you.”
Isak helps me put on the necklace and it feels nice around my neck. My fingers run over the plate over and over while my smile grows bigger and bigger – it nearly outgrows my face.
“Can I see yours?”
“Sure.”
I stretch out my hand and find Isak’s chest. Let my fingers trail its way up until I find the necklace. It lays perfectly in the pit of his throat. I touch the plate and feel the two dots that make out an E under my fingers.
“They’re both perfect! Absolutely perfect!”
“Awww.” Isak pecks my mouth. “I’m so glad you like them.”
I lie down. All my worries have evaporated into thin air and it feels like I’m floating on a big, fluffy, pink cloud. Isak lays next to me and his shoulder and arm brush against mine. If I could’ve seen stars, rainbows and the sun, I would’ve right now. I’ve never been this happy in my entire life.
As I grew up I thought I’d be the blind guy who never found true love. And for a very long time that was me. Then I randomly met Isak at a party and my world turned upside down. Isak saw me before anything else – and he still does. There was an instant connection between us and I trusted him sooner than I’ve done with anyone before.
Now I feel like any other guy who has found true love.
I get the urge to touch Isak and flip to the side, let my arm support my head as I sneak my hand under his t-shirt, and make incoherent swirls with my fingers on his belly.
“Thank you for making me the happiest guy in the world.”
“I can say the same, Evi. You make me so, so happy. I’ve never been happier before.” I hear the smile in Isak’s voice and let out a content sigh. Isak bops my nose with his finger. “You know what?”
“No?”
“Today marks three years since we met.”
I stop mid-motion. “Really?”
“Yep. You know, when I decided I wanted to propose to you, I wanted to do it on this day. I ordered the necklaces online from a woman in Canada, a bit late, and was so nervous it wouldn’t arrive on time.”
“Oh my god, you’re such a sap.”
“Your sap.” Isak laughs.
“Mine and only mine.” I grin widely and move my hand upward his chest, feeling all the strong muscles under my fingertips. “So when did the package arrive?”
“Yesterday. I had it delivered to Jonas’ just in case.“
“Afraid I was gonna see it?” I snort out a laugh and Isak laughs with me. I feel his chest vibrates under my fingers
“I had a mild case of paranoia.”
“You’re just so adorable.”
My fingers reach one of his nipples. Without thinking I let them circle around it, over and over again, and Isak lets out a series of soft, almost inaudible moans. I stop for a second and place my thumb over the nipple, feel it like a braille dot – read it.
The nipple is hard under my skin. Isak snaps after air and continues to releases soft moans as I play with it.
“Even…” Isak eventually says, voice dark, low and breathy.
“Mm?”
“We need to go home.”
“Why? We’re having such a good time.”
I tease, pretend not to understand why he suddenly wants to leave the park. But of course, I know. That deep, husky voice is very familiar and I know exactly what’s happening to him. I just want to hear him say it out loud.
“Because I’m getting a boner,” Isak whispers.
“Yeah?”
I love the effect I have on Isak, that I can turn him on just with a simple hand movement. I give him a suggestive look, then move my hand from his nipple and down between his legs to feel him. His hips push slightly against my hand. He’s not lying – his dick is hard. The touch makes my head spin and it tugs between my own legs.
“What are we gonna do at home?”
“My fiance is hopefully going to ride me.”
Isak’s words send shivers down my spine. I lick my lips and pull my hand away. Isak sends out a tiny groan as I flop myself on top of him, but welcomes me by putting his arms around me and nuzzle my hair.
I bury my face in the crook of his neck, intoxicate myself with his scent – musk, sweat, and just him – and place a few soft kisses on his damp skin.
“Your fiance is most definitely going to ride you.”