Work Text:
Charlie was asleep.
Kaidan found her sitting at a workbench in the shuttle bay, her body draped over the table next to her various guns. He could see she had her earbuds in, no doubt listening to music while she maintained her guns. Now, though, her full lips were parted, a small line of drool dripping down her chin to pool into a tiny puddle on the workbench table, small snores punctuating the quiet hum of the ship as she breathed.
Carefully, Kaidan took her assault rifle and made sure it was assembled properly before putting it in her weapons locker the way he knew she liked it, and did the same with her sniper rifle, SMG, and shotgun. He placed her pistol next to her on the workbench so she could slip it into her thigh holster when she woke up, since she always carried it on her. He held his breath and slowly reached for the earbuds in her ears, taking one out and then the other, placing them next to her pistol, before brushing stray strands of hair out of her face.
He was just about to gently call her name to wake her up when she stirred and shot up with a gasp. Her eyes were wide, darting around the shuttle bay as she tried to regain her senses, and her chest heaved, her breaths short and quick as if she were struggling for air.
"Charlie!" Kaidan shouted, reaching for her as he sat beside her. One of her hands grasped at her throat, the other clinging tightly onto his arm, and he felt his heart rate increasing, alarmed at her sudden despair. "Charlie," he repeated again, keeping his voice calmer this time, hands holding her arms, trying to steady her. "Hey, breathe. Look at me, you’re okay."
Her eyes darted to his, and they were almost bulging out of her head. She was still gasping for air, so he kept whispering to her, telling her that he was there and that she was okay. Her vice-like grip on his arm loosened as she gained control over her breathing, and when she wasn’t panting anymore, she closed her eyes and swallowed hard, taking slow, deep breaths.
Once she had calmed, his own body had become less tense, his heart rate lowering back to normal. He ran his hands up and down her arms and watched her closely, waiting for any sign of whatever the hell that was to come back.
- . - . - . -
"What was that?" Kaidan asked quietly, and Charlie almost missed it. His voice was so soft and she’d gotten lost in the soothing feeling of his hands moving up and down her arms. "Are you okay?"
Sighing, she pulled away from him and stood up, turning from the workbench. "I’m fine," she replied. "Just a nightmare."
She heard him stand up. "That wasn’t just a nightmare."
"It’s nothing."
Kaidan stepped in front of her, brows furrowed over his beautiful brown eyes. He was worried, she could see it all over his face, and she just wanted to melt into him when he took her hand and rubbed his thumb over hers. "Charlie, talk to me," he said, voice deep, almost pleading with her.
His eyes bored into hers and she sighed, giving in to him. She wanted to tell him about the nightmares anyway, and now was a good a time as any. Besides, how was she supposed to deny him when he was looking at her like that?
Sitting back down, Charlie pursed her lips, looking for the right words. Just because she wanted to tell him didn’t mean it was going to be easy. Kaidan sat beside her and patiently waited—he was always so patient with her.
"Remember the other day when I told you about the Lazarus Project," she started, and he nodded. "I said I didn’t remember being dead, and I don’t, but… I remember dying." She looked down at her hands in her lap and swallowed hard. "I have dreams about when the Normandy went down. I relive it—the whole thing," she continued. "I’m flying through space and then I can’t breathe. No matter how hard I try, I can’t breathe, and it hurts—it burns. I claw at my throat because it feels like it’s closing, and I just need some damn air." Charlie felt her throat tighten now, somewhat similar to in her nightmares, but it was because she was trying not to cry, dammit. "And the whole time it’s happening, I hear you calling for me over the comms," she forced out, lifting her gaze to Kaidan’s. "I tried to tell you, I…"
Kaidan reached for her, and had her folded up in his embrace in seconds. Wiping away the stray tears that escaped her eyes, she cursed herself and then settled into the hug.
"Apparently when you die, your hearing is the last sense to go," she mumbled into his shoulder. "You were the last thing I heard before it was just… nothing."
"I heard you, too," he said, his breath tickling her neck. "We all did."
"I know."
Kaidan pulled back to look into her eyes again, and he was frowning, his eyebrows drawn together. "Being on the escape pod, hearing you… I’ve never felt so helpless in my life."
"I’m sorry," Charlie whispered, her heart sinking as she tore her gaze from his.
"You couldn’t have done anything. You don’t need to apologize," he breathed, his fingers catching her chin and tilting her head up.
She huffed. "I could have told you how I felt. It was pretty shitty of me to dump that on you while you could do nothing but listen to me die."
"Hey," Kaidan started, the hand that was just under her chin finding her hand resting between them, "you already apologized for that. And I already forgave you."
"I know," she replied, enjoying the warmth of his hand in hers. She looked at their hands and intertwined their fingers, her heart skipping a beat when he seamlessly went along with the movement and tangled his fingers with hers. "I still feel guilty about everything I did to you."
"You told me to forgive myself for the part I think I played in your death, right?," he asked, and she nodded, looking up at him.
"Yeah."
"Well, you need to forgive yourself for what happened with us. I do, and now you do, too."
"Easier said than done," she droned.
"I know," he said with a huff. "Trust me, I know."
Pursing her lips, Charlie processed their conversation, and her eyes wandered to his lips. Feeling heat rise up her neck, she darted her gaze back up to his eyes, but his were trained downward, on her lips. She released a shaky breath and unintentionally licked her lips, and the moment her tongue darted out to wet her lips Kaidan swallowed hard, his adam’s apple bobbing as he did so.
Fuck, she wanted to kiss him.
But she couldn’t… she didn’t want to mess up whatever it was that they were. She’d fucked things up between them already once, and she wasn’t about to do that ever again.
Giving his hand a final squeeze, Charlie pulled herself away from him and stood up, surveying the workbench she’d been cleaning her guns at before she fell asleep. "So, I passed out down here, huh?," she said. "That’s a new low."
It took Kaidan a second to follow suit, but he did, standing beside her. "Yeah. I put your other guns away and left your Paladin here." He took her pistol and handed it to her, and she took it, sliding it into the holster on her thigh.
"Thanks," she said, smiling, grabbing her abandoned earbuds and slipping them into her pocket. "And thanks for trying to wake me up. It would have been real uncomfortable to spend the night down here."
"That’s what I figured," Kaidan said with a light laugh. "And you’re welcome."
With that taken care of, Charlie supposed it was time she headed up to her cabin to sleep in her bed. But, the thought of spending the night alone up there, especially after that bad of a nightmare was… not ideal, to say the least. She could always go find Garrus, Liara, Joker, or even Tali now that she’d decided to rejoin the crew, but they were all probably sleeping already and she didn’t want to bother them… again. And why would she, when Kaidan was right there in front of her?
It wasn’t the first time she’d slept around him. She’d fallen asleep when they’d been doing paperwork in the starboard observation lounge or just hanging out—hell, she’d even fallen asleep on him back on the SR-1. But this… asking him to spend the night with her, in her cabin, was a little different than the random times she happened to fall asleep around him since he’d rejoined the crew.
"Hey, Kaidan?" she said, quietly.
"Yeah?"
She looked away, and forced herself to gather her courage to ask him. She was Commander fucking Shepard for god’s sake, she could ask Kadan to sleep in her cabin so she could get some damn shut eye. "Will you sleep with me tonight?" she asked, wanting to shoot herself in the foot at how the words came out of her mouth. His eyebrows shot up and she mentally cursed at herself for not wording it better.
"I just… normally I would go find Garrus or Liara or someone else, but you’re here and… I don’t want to be alone right now," she explained, hating how… small her voice sounded. "Please? I just need—"
"Of course," he answered, and she let out a breath of relief. They made their way to elevator, Kaidan stopping off at the crew deck to grab a change of clothes to sleep in, saying he would meet her upstairs. When Charlie arrived at her cabin, she went to the bathroom, placed her pistol on her nightstand, and then grabbed the next clean oversized shirt from her built-in storage drawers and tossed it on the bed.
Stripping out of her clothes, Charlie had just pulled on a new pair of underwear when she heard the door to her cabin open. She looked over her shoulder and found Kaidan standing in the doorway, his change of clothes in hand, his eyes glued to her almost naked form.
It’s not like he hadn’t seen any of it before, and besides, he saw her in her bra and underwear every time they changed in and out of their armor. She’d caught him taking a peek now and then—she did the same exact thing—but the way he was looking at her in that moment was… different.
"You don’t mind, right?" she asked, reaching for her shirt on the bed, making sure to keep her bare back to him.
Kaidan didn’t answer right away, and she saw a slight blush crawl up his neck and onto his face. "No, not at all," he said quickly. "It’s your cabin."
Charlie smirked, pulling the shirt over her head and turning around to face him. "It’s my ship."
"That is is," he said with a chuckle.
Charlie started to set up the bed while Kaidan went into the bathroom. She heard the toilet flush, the sink running, and then soon after he emerged from the bathroom, pulling an Alliance t-shirt over his head. She shamelessly caught a glimpse of his abs—her eyes following the contours of muscle down his torso into the top of the sweatpants he wore—before they were covered up by the shirt.
She mentally chastised herself and got into the bed, settling under the blankets as Kaidan followed. Charlie waited for him to get comfortable, watching as he wriggled around a bit before resting on his back. She did the same and sighed, glancing at him from her pillow.
"Thanks again for this," she muttered.
"You’re welcome," he replied, offering her a small smile.
Charlie smiled back and then got her head comfortable on her pillow and was greeted with the sight of her open skylight… and the view of interstellar space it provided.
"Oh, fuck," she snapped, quickly reaching over to hit the switch to shut the shutter for the skylight. She should have done that first, dammit, instead of getting distracted by Kaidan. Instead, her heart had started galloping in her chest and she was forcing herself to breathe steadily.
"Come here," Kaidan said, and Charlie glanced at him. He was partially on his side, arm outstretched towards her, the other holding the blankets up to make room for her at his side. Confused, she furrowed her brows, and searched his eyes for an answer.
She saw nothing but warmth in his whiskey eyes, and she bit her lip, swallowing hard. He started scooting closer to her and she did the same, sighing contentedly when his arms wrapped around her and she rested her head on his chest.
Her anxiety instantly melted away—well, the nightmare anxiety at least. Her stomach felt like there was a colony of butterflies fluttering around in there, and she was sure her heartbeat was raging in her chest so loud that Kaidan could probably feel it. Sure, they’d hugged, on several occasions, but cuddling? Now that was a whole new thing for them.
She hadn’t really cuddled anyone since… since Tucker, and that was nine years ago. Yes, she’d go to her friends for comfort for varying amounts of time but they were her friends. Kaidan was her friend, too, but he was also… more. Charlie loved him, and being in his arms felt so right, so safe, and she hadn’t felt that way in a long, long time.
Charlie secured her grip around Kaidan’s torso and felt him do the same, and she smiled to herself. Closing her eyes, the strong, steady sound of his heartbeat had her drifting off to sleep in minutes.
The blaring sound of Charlie’s alarm clock startled her awake, and she rolled over, shutting it off before she was tempted to shoot the thing. She felt movement on the mattress of her bed and froze, until the night before came back to her.
Sitting up and whirling around, she saw Kaidan stretching out his arms. He flashed her a tired smile before he sat up as well, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
"How’d you sleep?" he asked.
"Good," she replied, a small smile on her lips. "Really good, actually."
"I’m glad," he said, smiling back. His smile fell and he gave her a serious look. "Last night wasn’t the first time I’ve found you napping. And the others have said you sleep with them sometimes, too. How often are these nightmares happening?"
Sighing, she frowned. "Oh, you know… enough," Charlie droned. "But at least I get a variety of horrific things to keep me up—dying, the beacon on Eden Prime, this weird one with a kid I saw on Earth when the Reapers attacked, among others. Hell, even Torfan is popping up again. The really good ones are when they all start to mix together into some monstrous, horrific mishmash."
"Charlie…"
"It’s fine."
"It’s not," he protested. "And it’s more than just nightmares isn’t it?"
She quirked an eyebrow at him. "What do you mean?"
"The geth dreadnought," Kaidan clarified. "When you were in the docking tube, EDI picked up on the change in your bioscans because you were scared." Charlie pursed her lips, frowning. "Joker and Garrus were trying to distract you from flashbacks, weren’t they?"
"Fine, yes, that happens sometimes, too," Charlie admitted. She gestured to the shuttered skylight. "When I first saw this damn window I almost flipped a shit. Sticking it right over where I was supposed to be sleeping must have been some sick joke to TIM-my." She sighed, looking back to him. "I’ve been better with that, but last night was… it was just too much."
Kaidan was looking at her with his "worried" face again, and said, "Have you told anyone about this?"
"Like who? A shrink? I wasn’t going to tell the one Cerberus stuck on the ship so she could go report my deepest darkest secrets back to the Illusive Man."
"I’m being serious," he said, staring into her eyes.
Charlie shrugged. "I don’t really talk about it. Everyone who needs to know just knows. We make it work," she explained.
"Well, I didn’t know," he pointed out, his words like a punch to the gut. "Not until now."
He was right. He was probably the one who needed to know the most. Kaidan knew her best, and she spent the most time with him ever since he rejoined the crew. She trusted him absolutely, with her life… but she hadn’t told him until now.
"I’m sorry," she muttered. "I should have told you sooner."
"Just promise that you’ll tell me if it gets worse, okay?"
"Kaidan."
"I mean it, Charlie," he said, firmly. "If you’re not going to talk to a professional, you have to rely on someone."
Sighing, she slumped against the headboard of the bed. "Okay, I will." He quirked an eyebrow at her, and she groaned. "I promise, geez," she added, and the corner of his lip curled up into the tiniest of smiles.
"You know I’m just looking out for you."
"I know," Charlie said, sitting up and giving him a sincere look. "Thank you. And thank you for staying last night. Having you here helped a lot. I mean it."
"Anytime you need me to come sleep here, let me know," he started, a smirk on his lips as he spread his hands over the mattress. "You’ve got the nicest bed on the ship, after all."
Snorting, Charlie rolled her eyes and went to get out of bed, but Kaidan caught her hand and gently tugged her back onto the mattress. She sat and stared at him, trying to decipher the look in his eyes as he stared back at her.
"Listen, I’ve been meaning to ask you something," he began, and Charlie waited, a little worried by his serious tone. "When we dock at the Citadel, let me buy you dinner."
She raised an eyebrow at him, her eyes narrowing. "Buy me dinner?"
"Yeah."
"Do you mean… like a date?"
"Yes, a date," he said, eyes trained on her face, analyzing her reaction. "We should… talk about some things. Like us."
Charlie felt her stomach flip. "Us?" she asked, her voice slightly higher pitched than normal and she wanted to smack herself.
"Us," Kaidan said confidently. "What we are to each other."
"Right," Charlie drawled, slipping out of the bed, her back to him. She wanted to grab her Paladin from the nightstand and either shoot herself with it, or shoot someone else with it, repeatedly. Instead, she took a deep breath before speaking. "We should probably do that. Before things get… complicated."
"I just don’t want us to do something that one of us later regrets," he said, and her stomach dropped, her heart sinking in her chest. He was talking about the first—and only—time they slept together before Ilos. How she went and slept with him and then ended things before they even began. "Better to talk it out first, you know?"
Turning around, Charlie met his gaze and murmured, "You know I didn’t—don’t regret it, right? Us, before Ilos?"
Kaidan shuffled to her side of the bed and slid off, standing before her. "I know," he said, hands sliding up and down her arms as reassurance. "You apologized, we moved on, and now you need to forgive yourself, remember?"
She snorted. "Yeah, yeah."
"I just want to make sure that if something happens between us now, it isn’t… muddled by miscommunication," he clarified.
"Right," she said, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Makes sense."
"And besides," he continued, sitting next to her, "after everything with the quarians and the geth, we could use a breather."
"You can say that again."
"I was thinking we should try Apollo’s. It’s that little restaurant in the courtyard overlooking the Presidium."
"Why there?" Charlie asked.
Kaidan leaned in closer to her. "Well, between you and me… I heard they still have steak."
She barked a laugh. "You’re kidding, right?"
"Do you know how hard it is to get decent steak nowadays?" he asked, completely serious, and she rolled her eyes. "I’m serious! You should have seen what they tried to feed me in Huerta Memorial."
"Okay, okay, we can go to Apollo’s if you want steak that bad," Charlie conceded, holding her hands up in a defensive position.
"It’s a date, then," Kaidan said with a grin.
"Yeah," she said with a sigh. "I guess it is."