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It was another movie night in the Trobedison household.
I was perched on the arm of Abed’s chair and Troy sat in his own chair while we watched the Dark Knight Rises. This was a good day, or at least it should have been. Nothing bad happened, I had classes, study group and now I was in the comfort of my own home with my boyfriend and our best friend watching a movie. This should be enough to keep me happy.
It was one of those days though. A day where I felt restless and am hyper-aware of my body. A day where as soon as I woke up the feeling of hunger in my stomach awoke the part of me that makes each bite of toast at breakfast a battle and makes getting dressed take double the normal amount of time because I don’t like the way my body looks in anything. The kind of day that makes trying to sit through a conversation in the cafeteria so panic-inducing that I excuse myself to the library for some paper I have to work on. I know I can’t punish myself for having days like this, it's a part of the recovery process but that doesn’t make it any easier.
And I know Abed can tell something is up, he’s been giving me looks all day, private check-ins. Each time I give him a smile and try to project some semblance of happy and normalcy. I don’t know how to explain that today some of, okay a lot of, my anxiety is Abed related. I don’t know how to have that conversation so I close my eyes tight in an attempt to center myself and when I reopen them I fix my eyes on the screen and try to focus on the movie.
This plan instantly backfires.
On screen Anne Hathaway is in a skin-tight black bodysuit prowling around Gotham and immediately the comparisons and the insults come racing through my mind.
Abed had mentioned wanting to go to a convention together someday, what if he wanted me to dress like that, to be the Selina opposite his Bruce. What would he think seeing my body like that, completely on display with no cardigans or layers to shield me. I can hear it in my head, a ruthless cataloging of all my flaws in his cool monotone. Ever since Shirley, Britta and I used Abed as an insult wielding machine I’ve been thinking of all the things he might notice about me, but not say. It was getting better but then we started dating and I noticed myself thinking about it more and more until today and it’s like a damn broke and everytime I so much as breathe I’m imagining Abed picking apart my every imperfection. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair to myself or to Abed because he’s never done anything in our relationship to make me feel ugly or scrutinized but I can’t stop thinking about it and I don’t know how to stop and I’m to scared to talk to him about it and oh god what if I ruin the best relationship I’ve ever had because I can’t stop obsessing….
“Annie?”
I move suddenly and my eyes jump back to focus. The movie is paused. I feel Abed’s hand on my back and realize Troy and him are both looking at me, concern etched on their faces. I straighten myself and start to sit up off the chair. “Gosh, sorry I just zoned out. I’m not feeling great. I think I’m going to lie down, but you guys should finish the movie. I’ll catch up later when I’m not so out of it” I say, trying to keep my tone even and not look so suspicious as I avoid eye contact and head towards my room.
As soon as the door closes I curl up on my bed and surround myself with my stuffies, clutching one to my chest. I feel like a kid again. I feel like it's high school and I’m spinning out of control using anything I can to try and get that control back. It’s really hard in moments like these to remind myself that I have grown and adapted and I don’t need that kind of control anymore. I sit up and force myself to do a deep breathing exercise. I’m focusing on counting each intake of breath, each hold, and each exhale.
Time passes and I start to feel a little better, more grounded. My phone buzzes on the nightstand and I reach over to check it.
A text from Abed, “water, tea, or special drink?”
I smile and think for a moment before typing my response, “tea” and then, “thank you”
Barely a minute later there is a soft knock on my door and I look up to see Abed entering with two mugs, one gently steaming the other likely his special drink. He sets my mug on a coaster on my nightstand then turns to me,
“Do you want me to stay?”
I nod and start to move over all my stuffies so he can sit beside me. As Abed settles in next to me I grab my mug, blowing lightly before I sip.
“Did you guys finish the movie?” I ask, still looking at my mug.
“No, we decided to pause and wait to finish it another night with you” he answers, no hint of annoyance in his voice.
“We might need to start at the beginning”, I reply sheepishly, “I kind of zoned out”.
“Are you feeling better?” he asks and I finally turn towards him,
“I’m starting to. Thank you for this” I add, gesturing to the tea.
“Of course” he says looking at me contentedly.
I turn to set my mug back on its coaster, “I want to talk about something, but I’m pretty embarrassed and I don’t know exactly how to say it so is it okay if I just start talking and you listen for a bit?”
Abed nods. I take a deep breath and face him.
“So I’ve been anxious lately, while more than usual, and it was really bad today and I guess I’ve just been really self conscious and stressing about how I look and that kind of thing except that now I’m worrying about how you think I look and I know it was a while ago, but I keep thinking about that time Britta and Shirley and I used you as some kind of take down machine, which I’m still sorry for doing that to you, but I can’t stop thinking about all the things you’ve noticed about me and didn’t say because you were being nice like do you really think that my laugh sounds like a piglet or do you think my face is too round or not symmetrical or notice that my clothes don’t always fit right and I know won’t look like Anne Hathaway in a catsuit and I…”
“Annie”
Abed’s voice pulled me back from my rapidly derailing train of thought speech.
Sorry I murmured
“Thank you for sharing that with me. You’re right, I do notice a lot of things about you that I don’t say out loud, but it's not the way you think”
“What do you mean?” I ask trying to regain my breathe
“You’re my favorite thing to watch Annie. You read about 1 page every four minutes when you're studying, that's faster than the national average, and it's faster for non academic reading plus your forehead scrunches when you have to reread a passage. I notice which cardigan you wear most often and the different outfit combinations you favor. I don’t tell people these things because most people find it uncomfortable to be watched that closely, but I can’t help but watch you Annie. And I do notice your body. How soft you feel pressed against me when we watch movies or sometimes the light catches your face and it's so perfect I wish I had a camera on me to try and capture it.”
I couldn’t help but smile. When Abed talks like that, so straightforward and sure, it’s hard to doubt what he’s saying, to not accept it as fact. I leaned forward to embrace him, but he stopped me holding me up instead and I looked up, finding his eyes staring back at mine.
“I am attracted to you, all of you, and I’m sorry if I don’t always verbalize that”.
He held my gaze for a long moment
My eyes watered and he loosened his hold allowing me to rest my head against his chest and wrapping my arms around him
“Thank you” I murmured, not moving my face from against his body. A moment later I part slightly to look back up at him
“I’m attracted to you too”
A smile spreads over his lips and i can’t help but mirror it
We both let ourselves fall back onto the bed, lying down I nestle close to him
“For the record I think you’d make a great Catwoman, catsuit and all”
I hit his arm playfully in response
“I’m serious. I’d never make you cosplay in something that made you feel uncomfortable, but it's all about commitment and character. We both know I don’t look like Batman, but when I put on the costume I commit so it works and Annie you’re so committed to everything you do so you’d be great. You as a Catwoman, hot. hot hot hot”
I grin again, pressing a kiss against his cheek then I whisper into his ear
“Maybe for your birthday”